CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

THE ROAD CONTINUES

CHAPTER 11

I don't think either of us planned on falling asleep on the hood of the car that night. But we did. The bright moon shining down on us. A perfect cool breeze blowing through the air. Complete silence besides the crickets and tree frogs chirping. An overwhelming peace that filled the darkness. We both woke, rested, for the first time in a long time. The warmth of the sun's rays shining down on us, waking us in a peaceful, natural way. I'm pretty sure Dean was feeling the same way I was. I didn't want to move. Didn't want this peacefulness to leave, but knowing it couldn't last forever. Dean, finally rolling himself off the hood of the car.

"I gotta pee, man." he announced as he stepped into the row of trees.

I soon followed, stepping to the other side of the tree line to relieve myself as well. Once finished we both walked back to the car. Dean stood outside the closed driver's door, his arms on the top of the car, his body leaned against the door, he gave me a big smile. I couldn't help but smile back.

"What?"

"Dude, we kicked ass!" he said smiling the entire time.

"Yeah, we did."

"Felt pretty good."

"Yup, gotta agree with you there, didn't realize how much I've missed it." I said as I opened the car door and sat in the seat. "I've also missed food, wanna go get some?" I added.

"Hell yeah." Dean replied as he opened his door, sliding in his place behind the wheel. The purr of the engine was perfect right now. Dean seemed happy. I was happy. Everything felt right, finally, everything felt right.

We stopped at the next town, making sure there were signs telling us where we were and that it was a real town. Ordered our regular, but this time, Dean ordered it to go.

"Hey Sammy, how about we get a room and just stay here till tomorrow?"

It was still early, barely breakfast time, the sun had woken us when it rose. "Right now?" I questioned.

"Never mind." Dean replied as he grabbed the bag the waitress handed us with our food in it. "We'll just eat on the road."

I was honestly confused on why Dean would want to get a room and stay put this early in the morning, we had an entire day ahead of us. But then again, it's not like we had anywhere to go anyhow.

"Dean, if you wanna stay put that's fine."

"Naw, we'll see what else is out there." He said as he pulled out of the parking lot and back onto the road.

I sat and ate my breakfast, Dean turned his music on, only he kept it quiet, which was not normal for him. But I didn't want to make a big deal out of it because I didn't mind the music when the volume was turned down. The silence became too much, more than I could handle. I didn't want to get into anything personal with Dean, I was afraid I would kill the mood, the happiness he was feeling. Wait. I just realized he didn't touch his food. Now, I was really beginning to wonder why he wanted to stay in that town. Maybe things weren't so great after all.

"I wonder what the story behind that town is." I had to break the silence. I couldn't handle it any longer.

"Dunno."

"Maybe I'll research it and see what I can find out."

"okay." Another one-word answer from Dean. And more silence.

"You gonna eat your food?"

"Not hungry." Was all he replied, then more silence. He drove down the road a little longer, pulling off into a truck stop. "I need a shower and Baby needs a fill up." He said as he parked the car, got out and grabbed his bag from the trunk.

"I'll take care of filling her up while you shower." I volunteered. In agreement to what I had offered Dean threw the keys down in the seat. I fueled her up, grabbed some road snacks and parked the car back in a parking spot outside the door, sat and waited for Dean. I started getting bored. For some reason I thought about that stupid notebook. Began to wonder what else was in it. I popped open the trunk and grabbed it out of my bag. I sat back in the front passenger seat and opened it where I left off.

I hadn't gotten but a few lines into reading it when Dean got back to the car. He threw his bag into the back seat and got behind the wheel. I hadn't noticed he was at the car until he opened the door to throw his bag in. I closed the notebook and sat it in my lap. I tried to tuck it away, like I was trying to hide it or something.

"That thing, again?" Dean said as he started the car and backed out of the parking spot. "Sam, you don't have to hide it, it's not like I don't know you have it."

That's when I noticed I was trying to tuck it away. I felt a little embarrassed, child-like. "I know".

"It's okay Sammy, I gave it to you, for some unknown reason why, I told you that you could read it. It's okay." He may have said it was okay, but if it was then why was he staring so emotionless out the windshield watching the road he was driving on.

Silence once again. I was getting really tired of all the uncomfortableness the silence brought. I opened the notebook and began to read again. This time it was about times we were at Bobby's house. He wrote about how much he loved football and enjoyed going to the park with the both of us. He talked about how happy it would make me when he chased me around and pushed me on the swing. How much I loved playing in the sandbox and rolling around in the grass.

He said it was hard to get the grass stains out of my clothes but it made me so happy he wasn't going to stop me. I remembered some of those times. I truly was happy when we got to be kids. I loved playing and running around for no reason, not running after a monster, just running to run, and laughing, a lot. I remember Dean pushing me on the swings higher and higher. And, I remember how upset I would get when it was time to leave, I was just thankful we were going back to Bobby's and not with Dad. When Dad would come back to get us I would get so mad. I wanted to stay at Bobby's forever, but Dean always had a way to make it better and make me okay with it. He never complained about leaving Bobby's. I sat and wondered if he hated leaving too.

"Hey Dean?" I could see Dean roll his eyes, I could almost hear him think 'great another chick flick moment'.

"Yeah?" he said after I didn't say anything else for a moment.

"Never mind." I said, lowering my head, looking at my lap.

"What Sammy?"

"Nothing."

"Fine, whatever."

Dean sounded agitated. Great. I have now made him upset. I know he wrote a lot about being a screw up, but right now I was feeling like the screw up, nothing I did seemed to be the right thing lately. I heard Dean take in a deep breath with a sigh. "Sammy, what is it?" he asked, calming his voice. "Come on, don't make me beg to have another feely moment" He added as he lightly punched my leg. "Talk to me…. Sammy… Ssssaaaammmmyyyy…. Sammy… Sammmmmm" sometimes I forget how annoying my brother can be!

"Shut up!" I finally replied.

"What do you want to know?" Dean asked again.

"I… I was just wondering, after we stayed with Bobby, did you ever get upset when we had to leave? To go back to Dad? I mean, I did, but you don't ever complain about anything, and you always helped make it easier for me so I wasn't as upset, but what about you? Did you even care where we were at? Or did you wish we could stay at Bobby's all the time?"

There, I said it, I asked what I wanted to ask, now I'll just leave it there, I thought to myself. Another deep breath from Dean before he spoke,

"I didn't like leaving Bobby's. But, I knew we had to, or at least I had to. I had to help Dad hunt. I knew that Sammy. I wish that you could have stayed, but Dad insisted you come with us. There were a couple times you stayed at Bobby's while Dad and I were on a hunt and I tried to talk him into leaving you there, letting you stay, I knew you would be taken care of there. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about you, but Dad always insisted we went back and got you."

He took another long drawn out breath before continuing, "The thing is, as much as I wanted you safe, I also wanted you around. I needed you, Sammy. I needed you as much as you needed me, maybe more." He admitted as he paused to wipe the tear that snuck out of his eye. "I needed you to keep me safe." He continued.

"wh… what do you mean?"

"You see, Sammy, when you were around… all that stuff you're reading in that notebook, it was all kept secret. It was quiet, easy in a way. I mean Dad couldn't beat the total shit out of me if you were in the same room, right? But, when you weren't around, like when you were at Bobby's alone, Dad didn't have to hide. He didn't have to be easy, or quiet. There was no one around to witness, or hear anything. He could be as reckless as he wanted." Dean stopped to shake his head a little, like he was shaking some thoughts out of it.

"How so?" I asked, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer but I asked anyhow. He took in a long deep inhale followed by a long exhale,

"Well, like I said, he couldn't beat the total crap out of me when you were around, but he could when you weren't" he repeated.

I wasn't happy with that answer. I knew there was more to it than that. "And?" I said, trying to push him into talking more.

"And…" he started, "… he would… he liked to make me scream. It was a game he played. He would tell me not to, not to make a sound… then he would use… um… he would use different things, depending on where we were at. Most the time, we would be in the woods or somewhere far away from anyone."

He took another deep breath, wiping his hand down his face again, then continued. "One time… he found an old barbwire fence, well a piece of it anyhow, and a big limb that had fallen from an old tree… and he… he wrapped the wire around the limb… he… um…"

Dean started to stumble all over his words, barely able to get them out, barely able to admit what was coming out of his mouth was true, wishing that it wasn't. The pain flooding back into his eyes. He had to stop for a moment to calm his breathing.

"He… beat me with it, it was a game Sammy, training, hunting training… I had to run, run away from a man that was three times my size. If he caught me he would beat me with the stick wrapped in the wire. I could feel…. Slicing into my skin, tearing at my back. When I would get too tired and couldn't run from him anymore he would continue to hit me… at some point he got tired of the stick he made and punched me with his fists, kicked me, took his belt and beat it over my body… just… well… he would keep doing it until it hurt so bad that I would scream, that's what he wanted, even though he told me not to make a sound, he wanted to hear the sounds of the pain he was causing."

Dean had pulled over to the shoulder of the road while talking, unable to see through the tears, having a hard time breathing, panting between words. "It was for training, Sammy, to strengthen me. He said the only way he could train me properly was when you weren't around. I knew what that meant. I knew it meant that I would be getting hurt… bad." Dean's breathing began to calm as he wiped the tears from his face. "Good enough example?" he asked, calmly, turning and looking at me for a response.

I had tears dripping down my face as well. Dean hadn't looked at me the entire time he was talking. I cleared the lump in my throat. "Yeah." What else could I say?

Dean nodded his head that he was good with my answer and pulled back onto the road.

"Dean?" I was finally able to get words moving again.

"Yeah?"

"Can we stop somewhere? For the night?" I asked. The sun was beginning to go down and it would be dark soon. I didn't want to spend another night in the car.

"Yeah." he replied as he drove to the next town.

We found a cheap motel room in the smallest town I had been to. It sat beside the local diner that was part of the only gas station they had. Dean flirted with the girl at the counter, thanking her for the room keys, we gathered our bags and entered the room for the night. Both of us exhausted.

"You wanna shower first?" I asked, looking over at Dean when I asked it. I could see the twinge of pain flash in his eyes. Only for a moment, but it was there, that fear that came with it. I looked up at the still healing gash on his forehead. "Sorry." I said as I lowered my head.

"I took one at the truck stop earlier, go ahead." Dean said, ignoring that I had just apologized for nothing.

I gathered some clean clothes and made my way into the warm shower, hoping not to find my brother an emotional wreck when I returned to his side.