Author's Note: The pronouns in the quotes have been changed from "she" to "he" to better fit the story. No infringement on the author is intended.
Chapter 43
I never dreamed of this sorrow.
I never thought I'd have reason
To lament.
I hoped I'd never know heartbreak.
How I wish I could change
The way things went.
I wanted nothing but goodness.
I wanted reason to prevail.
Not this bare emptiness.
I wanted days of plenty.
- Mindi Dickstein, Little Women
(Subsequent quotes from the same source.)
00000
Hydroponics was dark and still. Flowers closed their petals in deference to the artificial night, and pre-programmed showers gently replenished life. On a bench in a corner, tucked purposefully out of sight, a lone figure sat, arms wrapped tightly around knees, still as stone…
…if stones could weep.
Trance didn't bother to wipe away the small tears that trickled down her golden cheeks. She had come here to let them fall.
The dreams had returned, the strings had straightened, the fog had lifted again…her vision had cleared. She knew.
She knew and her heart broke.
Sometimes she hated herself; what she was. Humans longed to have the universe revolve around them, but when it really did, the responsibility and knowledge could be crushing. Especially when you let your heart get involved in ways it had no right to…
She closed her eyes.
Life was so much simpler when she was younger…when she was purple. When she could bounce and sparkle and laugh without it being an act… When she could wrap her tail around the shoulders of her friends and not see the paths of pain and sorrow stretching out before them like ominous, lurking shadows that she had to let them pass through.
Growing up hadn't diminished her love for her friends; it just made it hurt more. Hurt so badly that she let a small wall build up between them simply to protect herself; hurt so much that she tweaked things she had no business touching, pulled strings better left untouched to save them from what she could.
But even she knew there were things too big to be messed with, strings too large to be pulled. Some things simply must be.
And just because she didn't physically have a heart didn't mean she couldn't feel the pain of one breaking.
00000
The lighting in the Maru's common room was dim and subdued, casting the edges of the space into shadow. Flexi's and data-pads littered the small table, cluttered around empty mugs and dirty dishes. In the midst of the mess, Beka Valentine sagged on one of the stools, one elbow planted in a semi-clear spot so she could brace her head on her hand. The other arm was held close to her side by a sling. Deep lines of weariness and worry etched her face, lacing across several dark bruises.
"Here." Rommie entered carrying a hypo and a fresh cup of coffee. The mug she placed on the table and the hypo she injected into the other woman's neck.
"Thanks," Beka said, rolling her shoulders and grabbing for the offered beverage.
"That's the last of the nano's," the android told her, settling on a stool across from her friend.
"We'll have to pick some up at the next safe drift we go by."
"Almost out of coffee, too," Rommie added, watching her friend carefully.
"Definitely, have to stop at the drift," the pilot said wryly. She straightened, the caffeine and nanobots flowing through her veins reviving her, and pulled one of the scattered flexi's toward her. "I've been thinking. We've hit so many prisons and come up blank each time. Maybe they're not in a prison. Maybe Felix has got them stashed away somewhere close by so he can get to them... I think we should –"
"Beka," Rommie cut her off firmly.
Beka glanced up at her friend, surprised at the harshness of her tone. "What?"
"Beka," Rommie began again in a softer tone, "it's time to stop. It's time to let it go…"
"What?" Beka cried in horror, certain she'd heard wrong.
"We can't do this anymore and you know it; we both know it."
"Like heck I can't do this anymore!" Beka cried, rising in anger. "Harper and Dylan are still out there, in the hands of that sadistic madman! I'm not stopping until I find them!"
"Beka, look at yourself," Rommie said calmly. "You barely got off that last drift alive!"
"I'll be more careful. It was just a stupid mistake," Beka defended.
"And what about the time before this, or the one before that? You're tired, you're worried, and you're making too many "stupid" mistakes, Beka. I've patched you up more times than I want to count. You can't keep going on like this or you're going to kill yourself!"
"I'm not leaving them out there! I thought you felt the same way! It's Dylan, your captain! It's Harper!"
"I know," Rommie said sadly, emotion flashing across her face, "and it's tearing me apart inside, but I also know they wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."
The pilot sagged back onto the stool. "Rommie, I promised. I promised Harper I'd always keep him safe."
"And you've done everything humanly possible and then some to keep that promise, Beka. He'd understand, I know it. It's time to keep another promise…"
"The Andromeda?"
"They need you; I need you. Without someone to fight for it, Dylan's dream will crash and burn in this new Commonwealth. All that we've fought for and struggled for in the last three years will be gone. He trusted you with that dream, Beka. You're my captain now, and as much as I would love to keep pulling apart the universe trying to find them, I also have a duty to keep you safe. More importantly, as your friend I can't let you keep doing this. And I'm not sure it would do any good if we did."
"Are you saying you think they're dead?" Beka glared.
Rommie sighed. She walked around to stand right in front of her friend. "Beka, the chances were beyond slim when we started on this, and now…" She reached out and placed a hand on Beka's uninjured arm. "Look, my head tells me they're dead, but my heart tells me they're still out there, somewhere. And I agree with my heart, but Beka, my heart tells me other things, too. Harper did a good job on it. It tells me that we may not ever find them, no matter how hard we search, and that we're dishonoring their memory and what they stood for if we allow that to consume our lives. It also tells me that there are friends and a whole crew waiting on the Andromeda who need a captain, and who need some sort of closure to all this. Sometimes we have to do what's best for everyone… I think both Dylan and Harper would understand that."
Beka slumped in defeat. "I don't think I can…"
Rommie threw protocol out the window and drew her friend into a comforting hug. "I'm not sure I can either, but we have to try. Somehow we have to put this behind us and move on, if only because that's what they would want. And I never said we'd stop looking, or hoping, just that it's time to…I guess you could say, regroup?"
Beka gave a muffled half-sob, half-snort into her shoulder and pulled away. "That was such a warship thing to say," she said, shaking her head even as the tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She breathed deeply, trying to gather her emotions. "I don't know, Rommie," she finally said. "To just leave them out there… I know what he did to Harper the first time around, I can't…" A sob broke out again just as the Maru's computer announced an incoming message.
"I'll get it," Rommie said, giving Beka's shoulder a comforting squeeze.
The blonde woman nodded, slouching back at the table over her cold coffee. She pushed her thoughts purposefully away from images of Harper suffering and let it drift far away, back to the old days on the Maru, back to the odd-ball engineer she picked up unexpectedly from a wasted slave planet… She pictured the gravity-defying hair, the quirky grin, the ages-old eyes… She heard his voice singing, echoing off the walls of her small ship… Saw the mess that somehow managed to overflow and follow him like a plague…
And now she tried to imagine how she could force herself to say a final good-bye to that engineer, her best friend…her little brother. What could she say to express the years of memories? And how could she ever say it?
She was so lost in thought she actually jumped when Rommie reentered the room.
"The Andromeda?" Beka asked, knowing Rommie would understand the succinct question.
Rommie nodded. "It was from Trance."
"What did it say?"
Rommie paused for a moment as if hesitating, then shrugged her shoulders. "It said…come home."
00000
Beka sat at the desk in Dy-, her office and stared at the flexi. Stared and stared and stared.
Just like she'd been doing for the last two hours.
Her finger hovered over the button, then pulled away, hovered again, then shrank back…
Finally, she sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly before opening them and gently pushing the little square.
The flexi blinked out and then returned, the information on the screen changed: Captain E. Dylan Hunt and Lieutenant Seamus Z. Harper - officially MIA, presumed dead.
00000
"…and so the time has come to honor a life of noble service with one final salute. Captain Dylan Hunt was the best the Commonwealth has to offer, a statement that holds true both now and three-hundred years in the past."
Rommie was speaking slowly and deliberately. The rows of crew assembled at attention before her thought it was a nod to the solemnity of the occasion, but those who really knew her could tell she was fighting back strong emotions.
"… Dylan Hunt was the New Commonwealth. It was his dream that built it from scratch, that battled the universe to pull some goodness back out of it, and it is that dream that we honor now by continuing the fight where he left off."
Andromeda's two other personifications flanked their avatar as she spoke from the pulpit, unmoving and at attention. On either side of them Trance and Beka stood, one visibly fighting for composure, the other a blank mask of hidden emotions. And bringing up the honor guard on the far right was Tyr, planted firmly and surprisingly dressed in full Kodiak splendor – his unspoken tribute of admiration and respect.
Rommie's voice broke over her words and she stopped for a moment. After a nanosecond of thought, she filed the rest of her prepared speech away. "Dylan Hunt was more than my captain, he was my friend. I served him longer than I have served any other captain…" She smiled briefly as tears started to flow. "Three-hundred years is a heck of a long time to serve with one man. You get to know him fairly well. While it is important that we honor Dylan Hunt the Captain here today, I think it is more important that we honor Dylan Hunt the man, the son, the friend…"
00000
But I refuse to feel tragic.
I am aching for more than
Pain and grief.
00000
"…Seamus Harper was annoying. He was brash, and flippant, and uncouth. He could dig a hole with his mouth faster than most people could with a blast-drill, and then fill it in a flash with his own little mudfoot feet. But he was also smart, and funny, and loyal beyond belief to his friends and his heart. He was only a ragged kid when I picked him up, but he has this annoying ability to grow on you. He was family, my brother in any sense of the word that matters… And I will remember him for that; for his incredible ability to smile through life after everything it had dumped on him…"
00000
There has got to be meaning.
Most of all when a life
Has been so brief.
00000
"…Dylan Hunt was…optimistic. He bent the universe to his will; I admire that. And Harper…Harper was a survivor. He made me laugh." Tyr straightened and stuck his chin and chest out. Looking straight above the heads of all, he pounded his fist to his chest then threw his hand out in his own unique symbol of respect. "They have benefited my survival. I salute them."
00000
I have got to learn something.
How can I give him any less?
00000
"…and so we gather to say goodbye for now to our friends, Dylan and Harper," Trance said quietly, her eyes shimmering as she held two roses before the open, empty cargo pod. "Go, and find peace wherever you are. We will meet again someday."
00000
I want life to go on.
I want days of plenty.
00000
Silently, Dylan ate the hard, dry bread and runny, grey gruel that constituted supper. He sat by himself and he had never in his life felt more alone. He picked at his food, his mind a million miles away with a quirky engineer and a solemn-eyed little boy.
Two days… It had been two days since the Ubers had taken the dying away. Two days and none had returned.
A deep despair had settled over him, as deep as any he'd ever known. He couldn't help believing that Harper and Twig were dead; that he'd failed them. They had fought so hard to survive that horrible night and it had been for nothing. For all he knew, they'd been hauled away and shot since they were too sick and weak to work. An agony of grief and hopelessness filled him, and he closed his eyes. He could only hope it had been quick and painless and happened while they were both too out of it to know what was going on.
Who was he kidding? He wished it hadn't happened at all! Wished this whole place had never existed! Wished he could rewind time and refuse to go on that cursed mission, stop this nightmare from ever happening!
Tears of rage filled his eyes, blinding him. The anger welled up inside, mixing with grief and despair and refusing to go away. With a growl of unmitigated fury, he threw his dishes as hard as he could at the outside wall of the barrack. They hit with a dull clang and fell to the dust, undamaged, and then lay there, mocking his helplessness.
The rage drained as quickly as it had come, leaving him empty and deflated. He let his head sink forward into his hands.
The truth was that more than anything, he just wished the two boys were there, beside him, helping him laugh through his pain and think of better days. It wasn't fair! After everything they'd suffered and survived for it to end with a calloused shot to the…
He swallowed, unable to finish the sentence, even in his mind. It just wasn't fair! They should be alive, not dumped unceremoniously in some un-marked, mass grave!
How could they do that to them!
How could they do that to him?
.
.
.
.
Why did they leave him so alone?
00000
So believe that he mattered
And believe that he always will.
He will always be with you.
He'll be part of the days
You've yet to fill.
He will live in your bounty.
He will live as you
Carry on your life.
So carry on, full of hope,
He'll be there
For all your days of plenty.
END of PART 3