Note: First and foremost, there is a trigger warning for this chapter. It's a bit dark and there are some allusions to rape. I know anyone reading this has probably watched every gruesome episode of the show, but I didn't want to let anyone read on without being forewarned. The song I've chosen for this chapter I think fits this brooding chapter perfectly- "Home" by Daughter.

6. Home

The dew was cold on Mason's bare feet. The difference between it and the humid morning air made her shiver.

Daryl was exactly where she thought he would be, his fingers resting lightly in the turned soil at his feet. He didn't turn to look at her as she approached.

She sat next to him for a while in silence, studying the white flower perched delicately at the intersection of the cross. In the peace of the morning it was easy to pretend that they were the only two people left in the world, separated from it by the numbness. She dragged her fingers through the soil, wondering what it felt like to be buried…

"You know what you said the other day," Daryl murmured, "about letting fate decide?"

Mason nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Fuck it. Fuck fate. You shouldn't believe in it."

Mason dug her nails into the dirt. The ground felt solid enough, but the rest of the world felt disconnected.

"I don't know if I believe in anything."

"Carol did," Daryl growled. "She thought some higher power was just gonna step in and make everything better, and look where it got her. You can't trust nothin' now."

She thought about reminding him that they hadn't found Carol's body, that they had no more evidence that she was alive or dead other than her bloodied head scarf (which, if Mason was being honest, was not particularly encouraging).

But she didn't. She couldn't. Lies were for children of a former world.

"I know what you were doing before, runnin' yourself ragged," Daryl continued. "Tryin' to distance yourself from this."

He waved a hand toward the prison, but his eyes stayed locked on Carol's empty grave.

Mason stared at the cross for a long time, at the shock of white from the flower, trying to feel something. But there was only the numbness. After a moment, she stood.

"I didn't get to bury my friend, either," she said.

Daryl looked up.

"There wasn't anything left." She held out her hand before he could respond. "C'mon. The others'll be awake soon. There's still plenty to do."

He looked at her for a minute and then at her hand, until finally he reached out with his own and took it. His fingers felt warm and gritty in hers. It was more grounding than the earth under her feet.

Everyone else was awake when they got back to the cell block. She scanned the room for any sign of Rick, and was unsurprised when she saw nothing. Yesterday, after Lori, he'd disappeared into the tombs and when Glenn went down to find him he said he was covered in walker blood, completely out of his mind.

She did see Beth, though, standing near the perch stairs with a bundle in her arms. Mason sighed. Of course she liked babies.

Glenn nodded at her and Daryl. "We were about to eat breakfast," he said. "If we clean out the tombs today we'll need our strength."

"Who all is going?" Daryl asked.

"I am," Oscar said. "I'm gonna take a look at the generator room, see if I can get it working to our advantage. We don't want another day like…like yesterday."

Mason stared at the floor. Everyone's voice was subdued, like the aftermath of a storm, but the quiet spaces in between were bundling up against her, louder than anything. She thought maybe they were echoes from yesterday. She thought maybe she would scream if they didn't go away.

"Maggie and I are going to make a run, see if we can find any more formula," Glenn said.

"Ammo, too," Maggie said. "Everyone's runnin' low."

Daryl nodded, chewing his bottom lip. "Okay," he said. "I'll go with Oscar. Clear whatever else needs clearin'."

"Do you want me to come, too?" Mason murmured.

Before Daryl could reply, Carl spoke up. "I'll go."

Nobody said anything. Nobody told him he was too young, or that it was too dangerous. Mason tried not to think of why, but the gun on his belt was a heavy reminder.

They all sat in silence while they ate their breakfast- oats soaked in warm water. Mason wondered idly if Maggie and Glenn would find any sugar on their run, but remembered quickly that it didn't matter.

You can find your own sugar when you leave.

Beth busied herself with feeding the baby the formula Daryl and Maggie had found yesterday. Mason felt awkward sitting so close to them. Babies made her uncomfortable.

When Rick spoke, everyone jumped.

"Everybody okay?"

He was standing behind the commons room door, peering in through the bars. Mason noticed that he did not look as disheveled as he had last time she'd seen him, and must have cleaned himself up. She wished she could take it as a good sign, but she knew how these things worked.

Maggie was the first to recover. "Yeah. We are," she said.

He nodded and opened the door. Every step he took into the commons room was slow and calculated. He didn't look at the baby.

"What about you?" Hershel asked.

"Cleared out the boiler block," Rick said. Nobody pointed out that it wasn't really an answer.

"How many were there?" Daryl asked.

Rick shook his head. "I don't know. A dozen, two dozen… I have to get back. I just wanted to check on Carl."

He laid his hand on Carl's shoulder but Carl wouldn't look at him. He stared down into his bowl of flavorless muck like it was telling him grim secrets.

Then Rick turned and headed back for the door, his movements quick now, jerky. Like he couldn't get out fast enough.

Glenn started after him. "Rick, we can handle taking out the bodies. You don't have to."

"No, I do."

And then he was gone.

In his absence, they all sat looking at each other. Mason turned away first. The emptiness in each of their faces felt like looking in a mirror.

~m~

The kid started crying around noon and wasn't showing any signs of shutting up. Mason sat in her cell, fists clenched on her knees, waiting for her iPod to charge. She needed an escape, a more satisfying separation than leaving the room or going outside. She wished she'd just gone with Daryl, or went on that run with Glenn and Maggie. Sitting there listening to the kid's screams…she was going to lose her damn mind.

Eventually she unplugged her iPod even though it was only half charged. That would be enough. She just needed out. She got up and strode for the door.

"Where are you goin'?"

She stopped, clenching her teeth. "Out."

The crying drew closer. "Outside the fence?"

"Of course not. Just outside."

"Well, I'll come with you-"

"No." Beth fell silent. Mason could picture perfectly the hurt on her face. "Her crying will draw every walker in the state."

"I can-"

"I just need to be alone."

She left before Beth could say another word.

The day was quiet aside from a few birds, but even away from the baby her mind was still full of the screaming. She slipped on her headphones, turned up the volume and let the music drown every unwelcome thought.

She lost track of time, walking back and forth along the fence, stabbing the occasional walker through the chain link. It was easier with the music washing through her to forget everything, or at least successfully block it out. All her tension drained away. It was a different time, a different place. She wasn't even herself anymore.

I want to run, she thought, and for the first time in a long time she really felt like she could. She was disconnected, free, floating…

Something moved in the corner of her eye. She whipped around, raising her fire poker.

"Easy there," Hershel said, raising one hand like he could stop her.

Instantly she relaxed, pausing her music. "Sorry, old man. I thought maybe you were a straggler from…yesterday."

"I can't tell you how flattered I feel that you would confuse the two of us."

"It's that cannibal glint in your eye."

Hershel smiled a little, but she could tell his mind was elsewhere. Her eyes flashed to the prison and back.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Is Beth alright?"

He peered at her strangely, long enough that she felt a blush color her cheeks.

"I-I just meant, is the baby okay…as well as her…"

"The baby is fine, and so is Beth," Hershel said. "That's not what I came out here to talk to you about. It's Rick."

Mason felt suddenly colder. "Is he okay?" she whispered, barely audible. "Did he get hurt down there?"

"No, not as far as I can tell. But his time down there isn't doing him any good, either."

"He needs to grieve."

"Yes, he does."

Hershel was quiet for a moment, and Mason wondered if it was out of agreement until he continued.

"I went down there to check on him. He told me someone had called him, told him they were all living in a safe place. He wants to join them."

She frowned. "Called him? Like, on a phone?"

His eyes were dark with worry. "That's what he said. I told him I'd wait with him to see if the phone rang again-"

"But…it won't…"

"I know. He needs to work through this in his own way, but it worries me to leave him down there by himself."

In the back of her mind, the screaming was starting up again. She flinched away from it, aching to slip back into her music, but she knew she couldn't. Her temporary peace was gone.

"I'll go talk to him," she said. "Probably it won't help, but it gives me an excuse to check on him."

"You don't have to do that."

"Then why'd you come looking for me?"

"Beth said you were out here. She said you seemed upset."

Mason looked awkwardly at the ground. "I just needed some fresh air," she said.

"Mason-"

"I'm heading inside now. You coming?"

When she glanced at his expression she could tell he wanted to argue, but in the end he just nodded and said, "Yes. Let's get back."

They walked in silence on the way back, but he stopped her as soon as they made it to the commons room.

"Be careful down there," he said.

"I'll be fine." She touched the fire poker slung over her shoulder.

"I'm not just talking about the walkers."

Their eyes met and she saw in his all the fear she was trying to escape.

"Rick asked me not to mention anything about the phone calls to the group. Best not to let on that you know."

"I'll be fine," she repeated.

He touched her arm. "I know," he said. "Be careful all the same."

~m~

When she found Rick he was slumped against a desk in the corner of the boiler room. His eyes were closed, his face covered in sweat. There was an old fashioned turn dial on the desk near his head. The sight made her cold all over.

"Rick?"

Rick's eyes popped open. One hand reached automatically for his gun, the other for the phone.

Mason raised her arms in surrender. "It's okay, it's me."

He blinked. "Mason?"

"The very same."

"What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Beth?"

Her teeth ground together. "Beth's fine. She's up with Hershel, taking care of…" She trailed off. He didn't seem to notice her unease.

"Why are you here?"

"Just checking up. Wanted to see if you needed help clearing this place but it looks like you've got it all sorted out."

He nodded. "I do."

"So why are you still down here?"

Rick twitched and his eyes darkened. "I have stuff I need to do," he said. "Things…"

"But you don't have to do them down here, do you?"

"I do."

He was sounding more belligerent, less himself. Mason knew she should back off, but something urged her on.

"Rick, it's too dangerous to be on your own. You have to think about the people who need you."

"I am thinking about them," he growled.

"You're not. If you were you'd be up there with your kids, making sure-"

He leapt up before she could finish and slammed her against the wall. She grunted as the pain knocked the breath from her lungs. Her muscles tensed to react but she stayed still, gauging him. His gaze was nebulous, but his grip on her shoulders was menacing. She had no doubt that he could kill her if he wanted to.

"You should leave," Rick said. Low and even. No doubt in his ability to force her to leave, if that's what it took.

Slow and clear, she said, "No."

With a shout, Rick swung her toward the exit but Mason was expecting it. She turned with the movement, using his force to propel her into the other wall. She racked her shoulder against it, hard enough that the pain made her light-headed, and pushed off again. Rick stumbled back as she shoved him away.

She shuffled backward, fully expecting him to renew his attack, but instead he leaned his head on the desk and wouldn't move.

Mason stood there for a long moment, waiting for the adrenaline to fade. Then she breathed a shaky sigh and said, "Gina and I, we never stopped moving. She was my girlfriend before all of this and I had this stupid hope that someday I would find us a place where we could grow old together. But things just…never seemed to work out. Whenever we found a place that was sort of safe, walkers always drove us away. We thought that was all there was to fear.

"Eventually we hotwired this car…it was Gina's dream car, actually, a red Dodge Viper, it even had a racing stripe. We lived out of it for a while. It couldn't beat a warm bed but it was home, and we were happier."

She swallowed to keep her throat from squeezing closed. Her lips were dry. Her nails dug into her palms.

"One day we ran into these guys."

Rick glanced slowly in her direction, noting the change in her tone.

"They were these mangy, biker-looking bastards. They stopped us in this rinky-dink town not far from here while we were scavenging for food. I don't even know how we managed to get out of that. Fucking dumb luck. We were outnumbered four to one but we still got away, we even managed to take one of them out before we escaped. Gina was a sight to see, swinging that fire poker like a goddamn sword. In those days it was her weapon, not mine. She had a little pyro blood in her. She loved fires, and she was one.

"A few days later we were driving through the woods and those men found us. It was raining and the sun was going down, so we didn't see them until it was too late. They ran us off the road and we crashed into a ravine. Neither of us was hurt, but we had to run so it wasn't long before I was limping badly. My knee…" She shook her head, leaning down to touch it reflexively.

"I injured it my senior year in track. I used to be faster than anything but now I can't go a mile without the damn thing acting up. So we stopped when we came across this old Caddy abandoned in the woods and hid out in the front seat. They might not have ever found us if we hadn't heard the screams."

There were tears in her eyes but she wouldn't let them fall. She couldn't if she ever wanted to get this story out.

"It was a girl and a guy, not much older than us. They were wandering close by; it didn't take us long to find them. They were terrified, soaked to the bone, babbling about how their friend got his foot caught in a steel trap. Ordinarily I might've been wary…looking back now their shit story was so flimsy I should've seen right through it but…"

She was trembling now. Her knees were shaking so badly she wondered how they were able to hold her up at all.

"I left Gina in the Caddy and followed the strangers deeper into the woods. It didn't take me long to figure out that there was no other friend a few seconds and that was when Gina started screaming.

"I turned to run back to her, but the guy grabbed me and slammed me against a tree. I hit my head pretty hard. For a minute I couldn't move, couldn't see. But I could still hear. Gina kept screaming, calling my name, calling for help. I must have only been out for a few seconds but it felt like I couldn't recover fast enough.

"When I did, the strangers were trying to drag me off. I kicked them away and managed to escape, but I didn't make it far before they caught up to me. The walkers came then, attracted by the sound and everything kind of blurred together at that point. I don't remember exactly how I broke free, I just remember that I was covered in so much blood it was all I could smell."

She breathed deeply, trying not to panic at the coppery scent in the back of her nostrils. It was just memory. It wasn't real.

"She was still…alive…when I got there. Those bastards had her pressed against the car…she was naked and they…and they were…"

She couldn't say it. She couldn't. Bile rose in her throat at the thought. It took everything in her to keep going.

"I attacked the men. I pushed through the first two- I think I remember blinding one of them, jamming my thumb through his eye- but then two others caught me and held me down. The man…the man who had Gina turned her to face me. Just yanked her by her hair like…like he was directing a fucking horse. I saw red then. I tasted my own blood in my mouth, my tongue bitten right through…I struggled against the men who held me, flipping over onto my back and pulling one of them down to my chest. I was trying to bite his throat but he moved and my teeth ended up in his shoulder.

"He screamed and punched me in the stomach, so hard I couldn't breathe. The other one rolled me over again while I was still winded. He whispered something. I think he was telling me that I was next, but I could barely hear through the blood rushing in my ears.

"At first I was glad when the walkers came. It was a whole herd of them; they flooded in out of nowhere and fell on us like wolves. The men holding me tried to run but somehow I managed to hold them on top of me while the walkers ate them alive. I saw the other guy haul Gina deeper into the woods and everything in me was screaming to go after them but the walkers were everywhere and when I was finally able to scramble to my feet I had to fight my way through and I just couldn't move fast enough…"

She stopped, breathing fast. It took her a moment to compose herself enough to continue. Her vision blurred but she could feel Rick's gaze burning into her. So much for holding off the tears.

"I didn't have to run far to find…what was left of them. It wasn't much. Just blood…one big puddle of it that the walkers were drinking from. I tore them apart and I stayed there for the rest of the night.

"I don't know how long I laid on the ground while the rain buried me into the ground but it felt like years. Walkers came and went. I expected them to attack but they just…went past. Like I was dead. Because I was dead. I died that day. Panic eventually drove me to my feet. I needed to be sure that Gina's possessions were safe. It was stupid, but…there was nothing else left of her.

"Ever since I just kept moving, caught between life and death. Every once in a while I would play my music to attract the walkers, like that day you found me, but I never had the nerve to let them finish me off. I told myself it was because I was dead already, but I was worse than dead. I was…I was a walker, too."

Mason paused then to catch her breath and wipe the tears from her cheeks. She felt lighter, but not in any way that made her feel okay. It was more like she'd been hollowed out.

Rick stared at her but he didn't speak. His eyes looked a bit clearer, a bit more himself.

She sighed. "I didn't know how to say any of that before today. I know…that it doesn't fix anything and I know that it feels like you're an island in your own pain." She met his gaze evenly, though her hands still shook.

"You're not. We're all still here, and we all still will be when you're ready. It's okay to go a little crazy. Just don't lose yourself there."

She knew she could ramble on forever. Now that she'd exhumed the memory she was plagued by a strange urge to keep talking, like the wound left over required constant draining.

But she didn't. She had done enough, and maybe it would help, and maybe it was all just bullshit, but she had done her part all the same.

She turned to leave.

"You didn't lose yourself," Rick rasped.

She stopped. Turned and stared at him for a long time.

"No," she said. "I didn't."

~m~

The kid was crying again and Mason was beginning to wonder if there would ever be peace and quiet in this prison again. At least her iPod was fully charged. She turned up the volume and leaned back in her cot.

A shadow flickered in the doorway. She opened her eyes and was unsurprised to see Beth standing there, her expression wary.

Stifling a sigh, she removed her headphones. "Hey," she said.

"Hey."

"Where's Little Asskicker?"

"She's with Daddy. He's hoping Glenn and Maggie bring back more formula. She eats like a horse."

Mason nodded wordlessly. She wished Beth would leave. She just wanted to be alone.

Instead, she sat on the end of Mason's cot and said, "What's wrong? You've been actin' distant all day."

"Have I?"

Beth frowned. "Are you mad at me? Did I do somethin'?"

Mason sighed. "No, of course you didn't. It's just been two shit days back to back, that's all."

"Did you talk to Rick?"

"Yes."

"Is he…I mean, do you think he'll be alright?"

She thought about lying, but in the end she said, "I don't know. It isn't something…you ever really recover from. I think you just find a way through it, if that's the kind of person you are."

Beth nodded, rubbing absently at her wrist. "And what kind of person do you think I am?"

The question surprised Mason, so she didn't have time to really process it before the cell block door creaked open.

Mason sat up and saw her own anticipation reflected in Beth's eyes. Daryl's group had already returned from the tombs. She supposed it could have been Glenn and Maggie, home early from their expedition, but from the stark silence in the cell block she thought not. She leapt from her cot and followed Beth out of the cell.

The sun was shining in through the windows, illuminating Rick and the baby in his arms.

Mason stopped where she was. Beth continued on to join Carl and Hershel, who flanked Rick on either side. Oscar and Axel stood a little off to the side, although she couldn't see Daryl anywhere.

There were tears in Rick's eyes but they never fell. The smile he gave his daughter cut a little piece out of her heart. No, she was not one for babies, but she didn't have a name for the way the kid's little hands clutching Rick's shirt put a lump in her throat.

Hershel smiled. "Let's take her for a walk."

Everyone followed slowly as Rick headed outside. The sun felt heavenly on Mason's face.

Rick turned to Carl. "She looks like you."

Carl grinned. Then Rick glanced at Mason.

The smile was still on his face, but when she looked into his eyes she was back in that boiler room, heavy with tears and the stench of decay. In his eyes there were shadows that she could not reach, and others that she understood too well.

She saw it when it his eyes flickered to the fence, but she didn't look away until his expression faltered.

At first she couldn't tell what had caught his attention. All she saw were walkers lined up against the chain link. It was the flash of red that alerted her to something out of the ordinary. She squinted, trying to make out what it was. Then she glanced back at Rick.

He nodded slightly and handed the baby to Carl. "Stay here." He started down the path to the gate with Mason at his side.

They stopped a few feet from the inner fence, looking out across the gravel path at the walkers, and one lone figure looking very out of place.

Because it wasn't a walker. It was a woman, a young black woman with dreadlocks covered in walker guts. In her hand she held a red basket, full of tins of baby formula. Her wide eyes put the screaming back in Mason's head.

So far the walkers hadn't noticed her, like she wasn't any different from them.

Like she was dead, too.

Mason's stomach clenched. She jumped when Rick touched her arm.

"You distract the walkers," he said. "I'll bring her in."

~m

Note: One last thing before I go that I almost forgot. I was recently asked whether or not I had a schedule for this story, and I can't say yes but I can't so no, either. I have been working on outlining this story as much as possible, and I have a lot of it planned out, but as far as when the chapters will be posted I'm not sure. I will try not to let the time in between go on for too long (honestly as much as I might love working on a story, if I let myself drift away from it for longer than I should it's a lot harder coming back to it). Long story short, I have the chapters planned out but not yet written. Anyway, I hope you all are enjoying the story so far and I hope you stick around for more!