A/N: Occasionally I still discover things about them that I didn't know before.
Trying to frost four cakes, talk on the phone, clean up the dining room and keep the kids out of the kitchen all while keeping her sanity intact was not working very well and she knew she was going to have to figure out another way to do this. Putting her hand over the phone she told the kids to clean up the dining room and then help Adam put the laundry away. They were so hyper that they didn't argue and she could go back to her conversation and frosting the cakes.
"Okay Stell, sorry. The kids are insane today."
"Winter cabin fever," came the amused voice from the other end of the line. "It's so nice and warm down here."
"Not funny, Bonasera. Get your keister up here and battle the snow with us."
"Can't do that right now, but we're planning a spring trip."
"We? You mean we might finally get to meet this man of your dreams?"
"Yes, but if you and Austin pull out a bright lamp and play good cop/bad cop, I will disown you both."
"Threat received and ignored."
"Lindsay!"
"What? We love you, and we would like to love him too, but we've got to put the fear of God into him so we can see his true colors."
"Well alright then. I am pretty sure he can stand up to whatever you dish out."
"Are you guys going to ever have a real wedding? I mean, I know you've signed all the papers but none of us got to be there."
"I know. We just didn't really want to make a big thing out of it. Maybe we'll all have a nice dinner when we're up there."
"Okay, I guess that's good enough. How are you liking the step-mom thing?"
"I love it. Savannah's the perfect child. There were some bumps in the beginning and we've run into some independent streaks, but with Jesse gone on the rig so much, we've kind of been forced into making it work."
"You sound really happy, Stell."
"I am. I never had a family like this, you know? Come home to the same place with the same people every day. It's what I've always wanted, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't."
"I'm glad you got it."
"Me too. I've gotta go. Give the kids kisses for me."
"I will. We love you."
"Love you too. Bye Linds."
They hung up the phone and Lindsay sighed, noticing Avery creeping into the kitchen.
"Hey, what did I tell you about comin' in here Calamity Jane?"
"Uh…"
"Go help daddy."
"Sarah comin'?"
"Everyone will be here soon. Go help daddy please."
"Okay!"
She dashed off into the other room and Lindsay finished up with all four cakes, then used piped frosting to write the kids names on the tops. She couldn't think of something special for each kid this year, so she'd gone with four round cakes made into balloons. As long as they could eat it, they would be happy. She arranged it all on the counter and put the appropriate number of candles on each cake; eight for Colton, five for Ben and Junior and two for Avery.
"Hey babe, those look great," Adam noted, peeking over her shoulder. "They'll love them."
"I think so too. How are you doing?"
He shrugged and she turned around to hug him. It had been a long day for him with the kids and their energy and he hadn't woken up on a good side of the bed to begin with.
"I love you honey."
"I love you too."
"Can I do anything to make you feel better?"
"Can I lick that frosting spatula?"
She laughed and handed it to him.
"All is right with the world."
"Don't let the kids see you with that."
"Should I escape onto the back porch?"
"No, just eat it fast."
He cleaned the spatula and put it in the dishwasher just as the front door opened. The Messer kids streamed inside, shouting for their best friends and all six children soon ran upstairs to play.
"Hey Cupcake, you're winning Fantasy Football," Danny called into the kitchen. "I want to know what kind of voo-doo magic you're doin' on your picks."
"I'm havin' Linds pick for me," Adam answered, going to join Danny in the other room.
Lindsay chuckled and turned back to the counter, cleaning up the little frosting spills and making the room presentable again.
"Hey best friend that I haven't seen in weeks," Austin greeted, coming into the kitchen. "I'm about to hug the crap out of you. Be prepared."
"Oh my lord, it's the crush of death," Lindsay laughed, wondering if this was the force with which Austin took her suspects down.
"I missed you a lot."
"So much you want to see my intestines? Because you're about to."
"I love your guts, remember?"
Lindsay chuckled as Austin joined her at the sink, drying the few dishes that Lindsay had washed. They'd been running pretty much opposite schedules in the last few weeks and they'd seen each other in passing but they hadn't had more than a few minutes to really talk to each other. Not that they were saying much now either. Sometimes words were all superfluous and just standing there side by side was good enough.
"Ahmin!" Avery shouted happily, thundering into the room, her bare feet slapping against the wood floor. "My Ahmin!"
"My Avery," Austin laughed, scooping her up and kissing her cheek. "My goodness how big you are."
"My belly," she clarified. "Big."
"Yes it is but that's okay, you're still cute. And you have a lot of years before you need to be faced with body image issues."
"Yep," she agreed absentmindedly, spying the cake. "Oh look!"
"Nope you don't get any cake yet."
"Please mama?"
"Nope, after dinner."
"Okay. Sarah! Play!"
The girls ran off into the other room and Austin chuckled.
"I've missed your off-spring a lot. How's potty training going?"
"It's not. Everyone says that boys are way harder to train but she is proving to be the most difficult, stubborn, lover of diapers that I have ever known."
"Not a fan of the potty huh?"
"No. I even went out and bought a new princess potty chair that chimes when you press a button on it and I tell her she can have candy every time she goes, but she refuses. She'll walk in the bathroom and go in her diaper just to be defiant."
Austin was trying not to laugh but it was proving difficult because of the mental image of Avery's behavior.
"The boys were excited about it because they wanted to be big kids but she just says "No mama, Avery baby!" and waddles away, like that's the end of it."
"She's just like you."
"I know and I hate myself for that. Adam keeps telling me to not worry about it, wait a few weeks and try again, but I'm afraid if I quit trying I'll have to start all over again."
"You're frustrated."
"And annoyed. It wouldn't bug me so much if she didn't do it on purpose. She knows what she's doing because she smirks and nods every time."
"She's trolling you."
"She totally is! I'm going to see how she does tomorrow with Adam and if it's just a mother/daughter rivalry or what."
"Good luck with that one."
"But it's not fair!" Isa whined, flopping onto the couch. "Colt always gets to turn an age before I do!"
"That's cuz I was born first, Is."
"But I want to be older sometime."
"Well I don't know how we could fix that. Daddy, how could we make Isa older?"
"C'mere princess, I'll draw some wrinkles on you."
Isa giggled and rolled off the couch, shaking her hair out of her eyes.
"I know I can't really be the oldest, but it would be fun to see what it's like sometime."
"It's a lot of responsibility, Isa. I have to be a good example for all of you. I'm the one who gives out advice and stuff, you know?"
"Yeah. Maybe I would just like to be the boss."
"Isa," Colton said seriously, tipping his head to the side. "Between you and me, who do you think is the boss?"
"Me of course but only because you let me be."
"Well that's for sure," he muttered, following her up the stairs.
"Hey Dunner, who you think is the boss 'tween you and me?" Ben asked, tapping his crayon against his chin in thought.
"I don't know. I think neither one of us is the boss because we don't have any disagreements. We just always choose the same choices."
"Yeah, because we're best buddies."
"Binyin, you know we've been best buddies for five whole years? And for our whole lives?"
"Yeah! We done all our livin' together. Wanna go play on the computer? Daddy got us a new game called The Oregon Trail. It's real fun!"
"Alright."
"Well four down and two to go," Sarah sighed, watching the boys go. "Averylin, what do you want to do?"
"I stay daddy."
"Okay. I am going to go with Colton Matthew and Isa, alright?"
Avery nodded and rubbed at her eyes while Sarah went upstairs.
"Do you father units want to go in and do the dishes before they get crusty?" Austin asked hopefully, raising her eyebrows.
"I guess we'd better go do them now before you two hens start clucking any louder," Danny replied, standing up from the couch. "You guys have got to get a dishwasher."
"If a dishwasher dropped out of the sky and into my kitchen I would be praising all the fairies and butterflies and little lambs that romp the earth and make life wonderful," Lindsay joked, her voice wistful.
"Whatever, Montana."
Adam deposited Avery on the couch and she curled up between Lindsay and Austin, obviously ready for bed.
"So is everything okay with Adam?" Austin asked after a moment, running her fingers through Avery's hair. "He seems really different tonight. Quiet or… I don't know, just not himself."
"He had a hard day," Lindsay replied softly, inspecting Avery's toenails, then turning to grab the bottle of nail polish that she remembered seeing in the drawer of the side table. She shook it up and opened it, taking Avery's tiny foot in her hand and painting her toenails.
"Linds. There's more than that, isn't there?"
She stayed quiet for a moment, then sighed, knowing that what she was going to tell wasn't a secret and never had been but it was never exactly something they told people about either.
"When Adam was in college, he had this girlfriend, Heather. His first girlfriend, and they were pretty serious. They were together for a while but they eventually drifted apart. A few weeks after they broke up, he found out she'd had an abortion."
"What?"
"She was cheating on him, he never knew if it was his or not. It really bugs him sometimes, especially like today because he was not enjoying being with the kids at all and he just wanted to get out of the house. That makes him feel guilty because he tells himself that he should want to be with the kids all the time because at least he has them. He doesn't think about it that often, but some days it gets to him, that he could have had another child."
"Wow. I never would have guessed that."
"Yeah."
"How long have you known?"
"He told me the story a long time ago, before we were dating. Never told me names, just said what happened. Later when he told me about his past girlfriends, I didn't think that Heather was the one, but… anyway."
"Does that bug you? That he could have had a kid with someone else?"
"Not really, because I could have too."
"Lindsay, how do you still have secrets from me?"
"I thought I told you a long time ago. I had a pregnancy scare with Brian."
"Okay, you've got to let me get a grip on this real fast," Austin said, her eyes wide. "Wow. Just… wow. When did this thing happen with Brian?"
"Um, a couple months before we broke up. I put off taking a test for two weeks and the first test I took wasn't clear. I freaked out for a few more days before I took another test and it was negative."
"What would you have done?"
"Honestly, I think Brian and I would have gotten married. It would have been a bad idea."
"If you had been, how old would that kid be now?"
"Fourteen, almost fifteen."
"What about Adam? If Heather had kept that baby, what do you think would have happened?"
"They wouldn't have been together, but he would have been there for his kid. He or she would be graduating high school this year. Definitely, if things had gone differently neither one of us would have ended up here, never would have met, any of that."
"Wow. I thought I knew everything about both of you."
"Sorry."
"No, don't be sorry. I just...sometimes I forget that you guys had adult lives before you even moved here. I guess I feel like all of us have grown up together."
"In the most important ways I think we have."
"Adam is old enough to have an 18 year old kid."
"I know. I married an old codger."
"Do you guys ever talk about this?"
"The fact that he's old?"
"No."
"The rest of it? No, we don't. Like I said, he doesn't dwell on it much, I haven't thought about what happened with Brian in years. None of it has much bearing on our lives now."
"I can't imagine what it's like. To know your husband has been in relationships with people other than you."
"It's not fun, that's for sure. We try to leave it in the past and for the most part it stays there, but I still wish none of it had ever happened."
"Lindsay, you know you can tell me things like this right? I mean, I'm not asking you to betray Adam's trust or anything like that, but if you don't talk about it together… neither one of you are good at holding things in."
"I know. When we first got married, it actually came up more often. I was insecure sometimes, thinking that he would regret settling down with me when there were others out there. He thought I was always comparing him to what I'd known in the past. We weren't as good at talking back then, so there was a lot of silence about it and a lot of wondering on both ends."
"How long did that last?"
"A couple years. It wasn't all the time, we didn't just walk around with that hanging over us every day. I don't want you to think that. It was just… when we had arguments or if we'd been busy and couldn't spend time with each other, those thoughts started to creep in. Now that we know everything, it doesn't really affect it anymore. At least not in the way that it used to."
"My mind is kind of blown here. That had to have been so hard on Adam, what Heather did to him. He didn't even know about it, he didn't have a choice in it or anything."
"I know. I don't think she did it to hurt him, I think she was scared and maybe didn't even know if Adam or the other guy would stick around, and I kind of understand, but it hurts Adam, so it hurts me too."
"He holds onto guilt for things that he had no control over."
"Yeah, he does. I wish I could change that, but I think that a lot of it is how compassionate he is, and I don't want to change that part of him."
"You married a very good man."
"So did you. I always think of Danny as a bad boy because that's how he seemed when I met him, but he really is just a fuzzy pink bunny, isn't he?"
"I'm telling him you said that."
"Go right ahead. It's better than the time I called him Danielle for three weeks and told him to get off the rag."
"Linds, you're mean to him."
"Only because I know he can take it."
Avery sat up and sighed, looking from one of them to the other, chewing on her finger and sighing.
"What's the matter honey?"
"Snuggle?"
"Yes, I'll snuggle you. Come here."
Avery gave a little smile and climbed into her mama's lap, curling up contentedly and closing her eyes. It was a little early for her to be tired, but she'd been up a few times in the night and hadn't taken a nap, so maybe she just needed to reset her clock. It was preferable for her to fall asleep early, rather than become a whining, screaming, exhausted child fifteen minutes from now.
"Can we stunt her growth a little?" Austin whispered. "I don't think I'm ready to not have a baby around here."
"I know. I'm having a hard time letting her grow up. I'd still be nursing if teeth didn't freak me out so bad."
Austin snorted knowing it was an exaggeration, but not a huge one. It was always hard to let the kids grow up, whether it was the first or the last.
"Can I hold her?" Austin asked after a moment, holding her arms out for the baby. Lindsay nodded and handed her daughter over, then draped a blanket over her.
"So I guess since you spilled some stuff, it's my turn."
"Oh yeah, you've got stuff to spill?" Lindsay asked with a giggle. "Like what, you used to sneak over and short-sheet Danny's bed?"
"I did that once when I was seven for your information and just for that snark I'm going to tell you a secret you're not going to like."
"Oh great."
"Okay, when you very first moved here, Danny and I were broken up. He used to talk about you all the time."
"He did?"
"Yeah. I thought it meant he liked you or something, but it was just because you were the first person he'd ever met that talked about skinning a deer like it was no big deal. But at the time I thought you were competition, so before I even met you, I really hated you."
"You did? When did you stop?"
"I never really stopped."
"Austin!"
"It didn't last long. Danny and I worked things out, I realized I didn't have to worry about it and I figured I could tolerate you."
"How kind of you."
"Hey, you would have hated anyone that you thought was a threat to you and Adam."
"Yes I would have."
"It's kind of funny to think about back then. Before we were all friends, when we just worked together. I mean, logically, you and I should not even be friends."
"Don't speak such blasphemy. But yeah, I know what you mean."
"If it weren't for a shared love of coffee, we might not be."
"That's scary."
Austin gave a little smile while she thought over everything she'd just heard. It was sad to think about Adam being betrayed like that, a guy who had done nothing to deserve such treatment. He would have made a great dad even back then and it really didn't surprise her that he went out of his way to raise his kids with the knowledge of how much he loved them. She'd always been impressed with the way he parented, so unlike his own father and while most of it was just because of the person he was, she could see now that some of it stemmed from the hurt from so long ago. She understood some of that feeling of loss and how it translated into the way she was with her own kids. She and Adam were a lot more alike than she'd ever thought.
"Can't we wrestle some more daddy?" Ben asked with a sigh as he was tucked into bed. "I really like doin' that a lot."
"It's time for bed right now, but we can wrestle later."
"Tomorrow? Could we tomorrow?"
"I have to work tomorrow, Ben."
He jutted out his lower lip and blinked hard a few times before rolling onto his side.
"You always have to work, daddy. Instead of playing with us. I hate it."
"I know. I hate it too."
"Is it because we were annoying today?" Colton asked softly. "When we were rowdy and didn't listen to you much? Do you want to go to work to be away from us?"
His tone wasn't accusatory but one of true inquiry and Adam's heart about plummeted to his feet at the question. It was hard to hide it when he got frustrated with them and he'd never been one about lying to his kids and acting like their behavior didn't affect him, but at the same time, he never wanted them to feel guilty or think that what they did was the only thing that controlled his mood. They needed to know that a bad day wasn't always their fault.
"Alright guys, we need to talk," he said, sitting down on Ben's bed. Colton threw his blankets off and joined them and they all sat in silence for a moment while Adam found his words.
"What happened today wasn't good. None of us were very patient with each other. I don't like when that happens any more than you do. I know sometimes you guys get carried away playing and it's hard to settle down, but I need you boys to do better at listening, okay?"
"We can try, daddy."
"And I'll try to tell you when I'm getting frustrated before I start talking so harshly to you, alright?"
"You really aren't annoyed at us daddy?"
"No, I'm not. Sometimes when we're all not getting along and we're not all on the same page I get a little discouraged because I don't want you guys to feel like that's how it's always going to be."
"It's not always like that daddy. Mostly we all have a lot of fun!" Ben assured with a smile.
"Yeah. You teach us a lot of important stuff and you always come up with good games. Maybe we need to appreciate that more, Ben. Because some kids don't got daddies like we got, you know."
"Yeah. Some daddies don't like to play with their sons. Some daddies just like to do the taxes."
Colton nodded in agreement while Adam chuckled.
"I just want you boys to know that I love you more than anything and I would rather be here with you than anywhere else, even on bad days."
"We love you too, daddy!" Colton exclaimed, throwing his arms around Adam's neck. "You are the best daddy ever. We'll try to do better."
"Yeah, we are lucky for you are the only daddy in the world what could love us so much!"
He chuckled and pulled Ben into his arms too, hugging them both tightly. He was glad they were so quick to understand and forgive him and he wished that he would never have to ask for it again, but he knew that he would still make some mistakes occasionally.
"Alright buds, time for bed."
"Could we play when you get home tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I'll be looking forward to it all day long."
"We will too! Mama likes to play with us, but she doesn't like wrestling much. She always turns it into a cleaning up game."
Adam laughed and tucked both boys back into bed kissing them goodnight and telling them how much he loved them one more time before slipping out of the room and crossing the hall to check on Avery. She was deep in sleep already, her blanket pulled up to her chin and her arms crossed over her chest, the same way Lindsay slept when she was especially tired. He leaned down and kissed her cheek a few times, holding her hand and watching her sleep for a while. He wanted to lay down and cuddle with her but he knew that would wake her up, so he kissed her cheek again and headed downstairs. Lindsay was just finishing cleaning up the kitchen and he helped her silently until everything was washed and put away and tomorrows' dinner was marinating in the fridge.
"So, you want to head to bed or live on the wild side and stay up another hour?" she asked with a little twinkle in her eye.
"I don't know. What's your idea of the wild side?"
"I'm not sure. What do you want to do?"
"Um… we could watch a movie."
"That's longer than an hour, we'd fall asleep. We could play cards."
"Last time we played cards babe, you chucked the deck and me and accused me of sleeping with the queen."
"Well we could play Clue."
"Babe, we play Clue for a living, plus, didn't Avery eat Colonel Mustard?"
"Oh yeah."
"How about Mario Kart?"
"Avery sat on our second controller."
"Dang it. Want to just watch some TV?"
"There's nothing on."
He stretched out on the couch and sighed, crooking his arm behind his head while he thought.
"Why don't you go upstairs and I'll make something to eat and bring it to you as a surprise," he suggested finally, watching her rearrange the pillows on the other couch.
"You did that last week and it ended with jelly burritos," she laughed, settling down against his chest and reaching her hand up to trace over his lips. "You know I think we could spend the next hour just discussing what we should do with this hour, when the whole time the important part was that we discussed for an hour."
Adam gave her a huge smile and crooked his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him.
"What in the world did I do to deserve you Linds?"
"Nothing honey. You were just you."
She leaned up and kissed him, putting an end to his wonderings, at least for the time being. She never tired of reassuring him of his worth, and he never tired of returning the gestures either. It was moments like this when no matter the strength of the pain of the past and the betrayal of others, everything was right, everything was okay, and nothing could ever go back to the way it had been before they'd stumbled into each other's lives. Together were more permanent than any harm that had been done and each minute that ticked by, each hour they spent simply in the presence of the other only heightened that power and deepened that bond. Together they really could chase it all away.