Chapter 4: The most difficult thing.

All I've been thinking about since Saturday is Anna. And it's already Tuesday. Even if it's normal for me to think about her (since I'm madly in love with the girl), the fact that she is on my mind all the time worries me because of what I'm supposed to do from now on. All I want is to talk to her, to laugh with her, to give her compliments, but I can't if I want to keep both of us safe… well, relatively safe from Snow, Hans and their friends.

Yesterday Anna called me from the distance cheerfully and all I wanted to do was to run to meet her and spend some time in her company, but I did what I had to; restrain myself, walk away and pretend not to have listened to her calling my name. That was very difficult even for me (and I'm used to deal with difficult situations), but surely it was nothing compared to what I'll have to do today. Today I'll have to go into that damn classroom, see her sitting there with that beautiful smile she always has and ignore her. I won't sit with her, I won't talk to her, I won't even look at her. I'll just walk past the girl and sit at the other end of the classroom pretending I don't give a sh*** about her, while in reality it's the opposite.

Today is gonna be a longe and difficult day. To say the least.

English is the last class of the day, so I spend all of the previous hours wanting to disappear spontaneously just to avoid the confrontation that will most likely happen; Anna doesn't seem the kind of person who would just let it slip without at least questioning me about it.

Time passes faster than what I would've preferred, as if the universe is against me, and the dreaded English class finally comes.

I walk slower than usual while I head across the hall towards the classroom and, when I arrive, I pause, not daring to get in. For a moment I even consider skipping the class, but I know I can't; father would kill me (maybe literally) if he knows, so I just sigh in resignation and walk through the door frame.

As soon as I enter, I'm greeted by the most amazing voice in the entire planet, the one I want to hear less and most at the same time.

"Elsa, Elsa!" She shouts while standing up and waving enthusiastically at me.

You can't imagine how hard it is for me to ignore that voice, even more after seeing her hopeful gaze and radiant smile. How could I ever destroy such happiness? I'd never forgive myself if I'm the reason of her sadness.

Do you really think she would feel sad if you stop talking to her? She'll probably be glad for not having to carry with such a burden like you anymore.

The voice in my head might be right, even if it hurts me badly to hear it. She doesn't need me. She won't miss me… well, maybe a little at first, but only because she is a good person. Then she'll forget about me and she'll be happier than she could've ever been at my side. It makes me sad to think about it, to have to keep my distance from her, but it's necessary; I don't want her to be one of Snow's victims, because it's horrible.

I try to keep my impassive face intact as I walk past her, resisting the urge to say hello or to even look at her once more. As I sit at the end of the classroom I feel relieved and miserable at the same time; relieved because now that I'm not near her, it should be easier to stay away, and miserable because I miss her. If I were at her side she'd already be rambling awkwardly and cutely, making me blush and smile like crazy. Here I feel so... alone.

You should be used to it. You've been alone half of your sorry life, and don't even start lamenting over it because it's your fault.

I sigh. I was used to be alone, but Anna changed everything. How am I supposed to return to the darkness I was living in after she showed me the light?

In that moment the teacher gets in and I get my notebook out of my backpack. The class starts and I take notes, or try to anyways, hoping it keeps my mind from thinking too much about certain redhead, but no use. She's in my head all the time, so I end up just writing her name repeatedly at the margin of the sheet.

I glance at her and wonder what she's thinking about. Am I in her mind too? Does she feel lonely without me at her side?

Of course not. She has Meg and Ariel. Why would she possibly miss you?

Yes, you're right. I'm stupid for even considering it.

In that moment she quickly grabs her belongings and stands up walking to the front of the classroom, briefly saying something to the teacher, though I can't hear her from the place where I'm sitting. He nods briefly and Anna rushes out of the classroom, as if she was suffocating inside.

Probably she wanted to run away from your undesirable presence.

No, I think she was sad because of me and didn't want our classmates to see her cry.

You're too hopeful, aren't you?

No. I'd preferred it if you were right. I don't want her to feel bad.

I was hoping she would come back, but as the class goes on, it's more obvious she won't. I wasn't expecting her to run away, but I don't know if I should be glad she did or not. Is her running out of the classroom better than a direct confrontation? Probably, but only for me. I'm such a coward.

There are only fifteen minutes left until the class ends when I see Ariel getting out her cellphone from her pocket, probably because she received a text message. I don't pay it any mind, since it's relatively normal for her to be texting her friends during class. However, after about ten minutes, someone's pokes at my shoulder and I turn to see him handing me a piece of paper. I take it and turn around to see who sent it to me, since I've never gotten one before, only to find Ariel's malicious gaze pointed towards me. I'm tempted to just crush it and throw it away, but my curiosity gets the best of me and I reluctantly start to read it.

Hello, Ice Queen.

I suppose you haven't forgotten about Snow's little threat from Saturday, have you? Well, at least for now you have stayed away from Anna, but it isn't going to be enough. When the class ends she'll be waiting for you to ask you why you ignored her. Whatever you do, don't tell her the truth. You will answer that all this time you've been acting, pretending to be her friend, just to make her suffer later by ignoring her. If you don't do this, then Anna will have to deal with all her friends turning their backs on her instead of just one. You don't want that for her, do you?

Ariel.

And here I was thinking this day couldn't get worse. Now I will have to let Anna down for her own good, just when the lack of a direct confrontation seemed more than just wishful thinking.

I take a deep breath trying to prepare myself for what I'll have to do next, but it's useless. I could never be ready to hurt Anna's feelings; I care for her too much to do it. But I have to. There's no choice, because I know she will feel worst if all of her friends abandon her instead of just me (and it's just me, so I hope she won't feel that bad). She'd be suffering anyways if I don't do it and it'd still be my fault. I have to do what they told me. There is no other way.

The class comes to an end, too early in my opinion, and all the students start heading out. I quickly stand up and try to mix with the crowd, hoping that'll keep Anna from seeing me, but as soon I step out, our gazes meet. I try to run away, but Hans (who is at her side, even though I hadn't noticed him) grabs my hand with so much strength that it hurts, preventing me from going anywhere.

Well, f***. Escape plan failed.

"My friend here wants to speak with you." He says motioning at Anna. Then, thankfully, he releases my hand, but I don't dare to try running away since I know I won't like the consequences if I do.

"I don't want to speak to her." I say with a cold voice avoiding their gazes, trying to keep my feelings concealed.

"Well, she doesn't wish to waste her time talking with you either, but she does want to know why you ignored her earlier after acting as her friend during a month."

"Was it all an act, Elsa?" She ask with a sad tone that breaks my heart into pieces.

I have to spend a few seconds to regain my composure before speaking again. I'm thankful with my father for teaching me to not let my emotions lead my actions, because if he hadn't done it, I'd probably be telling everything to Anna after hearing how sorrowful her voice sounds and seeing her redden eyes, probably because she cried all this time.

It takes all my strength, as well as almost ripping my heart out of my chest, to say the following words to the broken girl in front of me without collapsing myself:

"Yes. It was all a plan I made to make you feel bad."

I see how the tiny hope that remained in her pained eyes disappear to be replaced by utter agony. I didn't think she'd be suffering this much for my rejection, does she really care that much about me? Why? I'm not worth it. She shouldn't feel pain because of me. Something is wrong here, something that doesn't match my previous believes. Maybe she cares about me more than what I thought?

Yeah, right. Are you stupid? Why would she care about you? You of all people in the world?

Just as I see tears appearing in her eyes, and I'm actually considering telling her the truth and comfort her, I see Hans whispering to her ear something. And, as he does, her gaze changes completely, not showing grief anymore, just indescribable anger. She couldn't have switched moods so quickly right? Maybe she wasn't about to cry from sadness after all, but from indignation and fury.

"Why? What did I ever do to you?!" She snaps in a way very unlike her. She is really pissed off, I can tell.

"I don't have to answer that question. I'm not wasting my time with you." I force myself to answer, to avoid telling her some another lie.

I turn around and start walking away as calm as I'm capable of, trying to seem cold and maybe even intimidating, so that Anna won't dare to press the topic and just let it go. I'm not that lucky; she roughly grabs my hand to prevent me from running away.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" She yells.

What does she means? I've never consider myself more than a pitiful presence who doesn't even deserve to be acknowledged. Why is she asking that? And in such an angry way?

"Who gave you the right to speak like that to me?! You are just a loser, a disgusting crap at my shoe sole, you are nothing!" I feel real pain in my heart, and I have to clench my teeth so I don't get out a pathetic whimper at her words.

She obviously interpreted your coldness as a way to say that she's not worth your time. She believes you think of yourself as someone too good for this place or something like that.

Atleast she realized what I truly are, though it hurts ten times worst to hear it from her than from anyone else.

I feel tears threatening to fall from my eyes at her words, but I can't cry. Not here, not now. I have to end this as soon as possible so I can go somewhere to drown in sadness and self-loathing. I have to stay calm at least a little more, I have to keep my feelings in.

"Answer my fucking question! What did I do to you?!" She asks again completely out of her mind.

"Do you really want to know?" I ask turning around, my voice sounding softer because of the soreness of my throat caused by my about-to-cry state.

I sigh because I really don't want to tell her some lie to justify why I "supposedly" pretended to be her friend, since it'll have to be really hurtful to prevent her from questioning me any further or trying to speak with me again. I close my eyes trying to make up something before I start speaking.

"The first day of classes I was reading my book when you came to me and started disturbing my concentration with your clumsiness, your annoying voice, and your silly conversation." I open my eyes preventing myself from remembering the event I'm going to describe next, since it was the first and only time Anna has hurt me. "Then you started playing with my hair when I didn't want you to." Partially a lie, but I don't want her to know that I noticed it when she was smearing plasticine on my hair, even though I know it would justify doing something awful to her. I'll just have to add something more to make this more believable, even if I have to say the contrary of what I really think. "And finally, you kept trying to distract me during English class. I simply can't bear your presence, it's so irritating. I hated you since I first saw you."

SMACK

All the agony I've felt since I arrived here doesn't even come close to the moment when Anna's hand hit my cheek. It's not about the physical pain which, even if considerable, at least is somewhat bearable. No. This is about the fact that Anna just slapped me. Anna hit me. Anna inflicted physical pain on me on purpose. Anna, the only person who I care about, the one I love, the one who I'd do anything for.

I'm in shock because of the amount of confusion and pain that's currently clouding my mind, preventing me from moving. After a moment I regain control over my body and slowly turn my head to see her, touching my sore cheek in disbelief. I was expecting her to be at least surprised of her actions, maybe even a little regretful, but all I see is coldness.

And they seriously call me the ice queen? She just slapped me and now is seeing how hurt I am, since I'm pretty sure I'm not concealing my feelings at this moment, and yet she doesn't show even a little compassion. How did I make her hate me so much in just a few minutes? Maybe she has hated me all this time. Maybe she was just pretending to be my friend out of pity.

"I should have never trusted you and I swear I'll take revenge on what you did to me. You will always regret the day you dared to mess up with me." She continues still sounding angry. Doesn't she see how much this is hurting me?

All I want is to curl up in the floor and cry until I can't even breathe, but I know I can't show weakness now; she's just threated me with more punishment, so I cannot let her know how much influence she has on my feelings. I need to chill out. I close my eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and repeat 'Conceal, don't feel' in my head. Then I open them again and say as cold as I can:

"Fine. It doesn't matter after all. I'll only have another brainless girl to add to the list of people who hate me." My voice quivers at the last part because I know how large is the list of people who hate me (actually in my case it would be easier to have a list of people who doesn't hate me), and I really wouldn't want to add Anna, but there's nothing I can do; she'll end up despising me anyways. "Now, if you excuse me…" I continue, pulling away from her hand, which is no longer warm and comforting for me, as it used to be. "I have more important places to be at right now."

I turn and walk away, trying to get out of this hell called High School as fast as I can.

All the time I'm in the bus I'm fighting the tears that form in my eyes every few seconds and trying to get rid of the knot in my throat, but it's impossible with the scenes of what just happened earlier still fresh on my mind. I don't hope anymore to even finish this day without crying, just to arrive home before the tears start flowing like a mighty river. I know all these people around me are just strangers and that I'll never see them again, but I just don't want anyone to see me cry and take pity on me. I've always consider myself as a strong person and I don't want anyone to think otherwise. Besides, father said I should never show weakness.

Finally after an hour spent first in the traffic and then walking (almost running) a few blocks, I arrive to the house where I live, quickly retreating my keys from my backpack and opening the door, slamming it behind me in my urge to get in.

"Elsa is that you? Are you home already?" I hear Gerda's voice coming from the kitchen, but I don't stop to answer, just run upstairs as fast as I can to get to my room slamming that door as well.

I roughly toss my backpack to the floor, not caring where it lands, and collapse in my bed crying desperately.

The sounds escaping from my mouth are so sorrowful that I'm sure they could make even the most heartless men feel a little bit sorry for me, and I know that in some other circumstances, I would've felt ashamed of them, but right now I don't care. In fact in this moment I don't really care about anything, not even the fact that my cries are so loud that probably the entire block can hear them. All that's in my mind is that today I lost my first friend forever, and nothing in the entire world could ever repair the damage that has been done today to the both of us.