Hey, all. Thanks once again for all your awesome reviews! Today's chapter follows S4E12 (Still) pretty closely; I was originally tempted to skip it but it didn't feel right to leave this part of her story out. So I made this chapter a journal entry to keep it more succinct. Within it, there is a song she references called "You're Somebody Else" by Flora Cash, a really great one that was recommended by DampishPoet (thank you again!) The chapter title itself is a reference to "Me" by The 1975, a very sad song and one of my personal favorites. I'm currently working on the next chapter. Until then, hope you enjoy!

21. Me

I know I won't be able to keep you, and I don't plan on it. There are some things we just can't keep anymore, some things that have to burn. But I will try. I will try like hell to get my thoughts out before the fire.

Mason is gone. We haven't seen her since that night with the walkers, and Daryl thinks she's dead. I don't. I know Mason. She's the toughest person I've met, and she's out there somewhere looking for me.

Last night I dreamed I found her, on some beach somewhere. The place wasn't familiar but it felt like home. She smiled that smile I fell in love with, the one that was a paradox: shy and bold, soft and strong all at once. She doesn't know how beautiful she is. She never did.

In the dream, her eyes looked like stars. They sparked at me as she took my hand and laid me down in the sand.

And we made love. I can't remember details, just the feeling that it gave me, that lingered for long after I woke up. That the world was in order again, that there was a future.

When I find her, I'm going to throw her against a wall and make her feel the same. I was always too nervous before to make a move. Sex was always something frightening and forbidden, something my friends giggled about, something my sister rebelled with. I know even less about what it's supposed to be like with a woman. But I want Mason to be my first.

I want her. I miss her. She is alive and I'm going to find her.

~m~

Today was a good day, but it didn't start out that way. Daryl and I had a breakfast of roasted snake in the seventh camp we've been forced to make and I couldn't stand the silence. Daryl refused to speak to me. He's probably said a total of five words to me since losing Mason, so it wasn't like this was weird or anything, but I'd had enough of it.

I needed a drink.

Daryl tried to stop me at first, but in the end he followed me to this golf course secluded in the woods. He spent his time raging around, killing walkers, while I searched for the bar. He reminded me of something Mason said once, about how she was before finding our group.

"When I wasn't empty, I was angry." She told me this after listening to her iPod for hours on the roof of the prison, when one of the songs put a distant sadness in her eyes.

I don't remember all of it. I just remember the chorus, talking about a person who still looked the same on the outside, but had changed severely on the inside.

That's what Mason said she was like after losing Gina. That's what Daryl's been like since losing Mason. And some mornings when I wake up I feel the same. That's why I did what I did today. I was desperate to feel something, like I did in that dream.

The only thing left at the bar was a bottle of peach Schnapps. I'd never heard Mason mention it before but Daryl said it wasn't good. I don't know. I never got to taste.

I spent a few minutes searching for a clean glass but all of them were caked in blood, and when I decided to drink straight from the bottle I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I kept thinking about Daddy, how he always imported to us the dangers of drinking alcohol. I thought about how he might look if he walked in right then and caught me.

I thought about Mason, telling me she was happy, and I started to cry.

Part of me hated myself for it. Strong people aren't supposed to cry, right? But the tears kept coming.

Finally, Daryl took the bottle from me and threw it against the wall.

"Ain't gonna have your first drink be no damn peach Schnapps."

That's what he said. And I'll never forget how I looked into his eyes right then and saw he understood. He was thinking of them, too.

He led me to a sketchy looking shack some distance away from the golf course. I was confused at first because I thought he might be taking me to a liquor store, like Mason used to, but then he pulled out the jugs. It was clear liquid inside, and I thought maybe it might be vodka until he handed it to me.

"Moonshine," he said, which made me nervous. Daddy always told me bad moonshine could make you go blind, but Daryl didn't seem too worried about it so I took a drink.

It tasted like shit, but I still wish Mason could've been there. It would've been fitting, you know?

Daryl didn't want to drink at first but I convinced him. There was nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. I was glad he was starting to listen to me.

We started to play a game my friends used to play, that Never Have I Ever game. I missed Mason even more then. I think she would've had fun. But I guess maybe I said some things I shouldn't have, because when I said I'd never been a prisoner Daryl got mad.

He grabbed me and took me outside, tried to bully me into using the crossbow on a walker. I was scared of him for the first time. I was scared of the anguish in his eyes.

He asked me what I wanted from him and I told him. I told him not to act like he didn't give a crap about anything, like the people we'd loved meant nothing.

I told him that when he looked at me, he just saw another dead girl.

I told him I wasn't Michonne, or Carol, or Maggie. I wasn't Mason. That just because I wasn't like the rest of them didn't mean I wasn't a survivor.

I told him he was afraid, and now god forbid he let anybody get too close.

He was just like Mason.

The anger in his eyes then was enough that I wanted to run, but I didn't.

He screamed at me that everybody that we knew was dead. That we were never going to see them again. Rick, Maggie. Mason.

"The Governor rolled right up to our gates," he said. "Maybe if I wouldn't've stopped looking. Maybe cuz I gave up, that's on me."

But he's wrong. It wasn't his fault, it was never his fault. Things just happen now. The world isn't like it used to be, it isn't fair, and we can't shoulder it alone.

I held him close while he cried, and I cried with him. I knew it was okay then. For strong people to cry.

After a while, we went back inside. Gathered up our moonshine and sat on the porch to watch the moon come out. I wondered if Mason was watching it, too, if she was thinking of me. I pictured her face and couldn't stop smiling.

I know now why Daddy stopped drinking. Why Mason couldn't stop. Because if I could, I would make myself feel that way all the time. Like I was weightless. Like nothing could touch me.

Daryl sat across from me and he told me about his brother, about who he was before all of this. I told him about the life I wished Daddy could've had, and who I wanted to be. I held Mason's iPod in my hands and ached to turn it on, to scroll through the songs that were all her, but I knew I couldn't waste the battery.

So I sang. I sang one of the ones Mason hardly ever listened to. Not because she didn't like it, but because it made her feel too much.

Daryl listened, staring up at the moon like he could see things in it no one else could. And when I was finished, he stayed quiet for a long time.

When he finally spoke, it was to say that we should go inside.

But I was warm, and I was feeling too much, and I knew that there are some things you can't keep, and some things you shouldn't.

So I smiled and said, "We should burn it down."

I didn't think Daryl would agree, but when he stood up he said, "We're gonna need more booze."

So we gathered up the rest of the moonshine and set to work dousing the walls, the furniture, the crappy little knickknacks Daryl couldn't stand to look at because of his dad. I danced through the house, shattering glasses, breathing in the heady fumes and pretending it was what the moon smelled like.

When the alcohol ran out, we stood outside and Daryl offered me the match.

The shack went up quickly, like it was ready to be destroyed, and the fire lit up the surrounding woods with golden light.

I couldn't stop smiling. It was strange to feel so happy in the middle of so much despair, but the sight of that burning house set fire to my drunken blood.

Mason would have been smiling, too. She would've held my hand and stood illuminated, like some sunset angel.

Picturing it, my smile grew. I lifted my hand, middle finger raised, and she laughed in the back of my mind.

I might've stood there forever with Daryl, middle fingers in the air, but the walkers came, drawn by the light. Still, we left smiling. And tonight I feel freer than I have since the prison fell.

~m~

Today, Daryl and I found a funeral home where we think people might be staying. No one's here right now, but I want to wait and see if they return and I think Daryl agrees.

He didn't at first. He was pretty adamant about only staying for the night, but now he says he's okay with waiting.

He told me earlier that he didn't think there were good people left. When I asked him what changed his mind, he gave me this look I'd only ever seen him give Mason.

I changed his mind. And I didn't know what to say when I realized. I still don't. It's not like I don't know that he and Mason have a special bond, and I'd have to be blind not to notice the way he looks at her. It just completely threw me off guard to see him look at me the same way.

I guess it doesn't really matter. We're safe, and we have food, and maybe we'll make some friends when whoever lives here comes back. Maybe we'll know them.

Anyway, I gotta go. Daryl says there's a dog outside.

~m~

I don't have much time to get all my thoughts down. I don't even know why it matters because when I'm done, I'm just going to burn you. There's a chance these people have already read what I've written, but there's also a chance they haven't. I think I just need to purge myself just a little more, bleed out all the hurt and anxiety, because I think I'm going to have to do something and I think I'm going to need to not feel anything when I do it.

Daryl and I were overrun by walkers at the funeral home. I got out, but I don't know if he did. The walkers surrounded me on the road and I blacked out.

Now I'm here at some hospital in Atlanta. Grady Memorial I think. There's a woman here, a cop, who's in charge. I don't trust her. There's something unstable in her eyes, but it's hidden beneath a neat, orderly mask.

She says I owe her for saving me. She says I'm going to stay here until I can pay back my debt.

This place is a prison. The people here…they're not right. I can't stay locked in here with them when Mason and Daryl are still out there. When they need me.

I don't know how. I don't know when. But I'm breaking out of here. I'll set fire to the whole place if that's what it takes.

That's all I have left to say. I'm going to burn you in my bathroom sink. There are so many things I can't keep in this world, but the things I can?

I'm going to fight for them.