Chapter 5: I'm worth nothing.

It's been two months. The worst and longest months of my entire life… well, maybe that's not entirely truth, but they've been definitely the worst two months of my life here. If I thought I was depressed and literally going through hell before, it's only because I never imagined it could be even worse. Guess what? I was so wrong.

Hans and his friends bulling me was bad enough, even if I never cared in the slightest about them and procured to ignore them as much as I could, but to be mercilessly harassed everyday by the one I love is just… I can't bear it. I've been crying myself to sleep almost every damn night, just thinking about what Anna did to me.

On top of that, I've seen the once always-happy redhead almost depressed lately. At first I wondered if it was because of me, since I was too harsh to her the first few days in order to push her away from me, but soon I found out the real reason. I saw her kissing Hans. What's the problem with that? You may be asking, well the problem is I've seen before how he treats his girls. He has never had a girlfriend and I doubt that's going to change with Anna. They are all "friends with benefits", but the truth is that they are just objects to Hans, objects to be used by him as he pleases. They are always sad, even if they think they are happy, and as soon as they show signs of not agreeing with Hans, or if he simply gets tired of them, they are thrown away as some kind of trash and despised by the entire school.

Obviously I don't want that happening to Anna, and I've tried telling her the truth, but honestly, would she believe me? Of course not, she hates me now and thinks that I hate her too. She'd think that I'm just trying to separate her from her friends.

Maybe not. What if she listens? Shouldn't we at least try?

Your memory is failing you or what? Even if she listened to you, her fate has already been sealed, and if they discovered she's been talking to you, it all would be worst for her, remember Snow warnings.

This conversation has repeated on my head at least every time I see Anna, and it always stops me from warning her about Hans.

I'm sure you're wondering why do I still care about her if she's done so many bad things to me. Well, it's because I know none of this is her fault; she's only been doing what her friends tell her to do. Sure, she could've not listened to them, but then who knows what they would've done; she'd be even more unhappy, and that's something I don't want. Besides, she must feel very upset and frustrated, and takes it all out with the only person she can do it without consequences or regrets: me. Yes, I'm her punching bag… literally. I accept it, because I know this way she feels like at least she has power over someone, even if that someone is at the slowest rank on the hierarchy of this High. It still hurts a lot, of course, but at least it's a solace to think I'm being helpful to her in some way. That's what I tell myself, anyways. The truth is this line of thinking only prevents me from hating Anna.

But forget about her. To continue thinking about the redhead would only lead me to yearn for her company and I'd end up hurt hurting even more.

Today I'm especially sad, I'll tell you why. Yesterday was a bad day, like a really bad day. As soon as I arrived home after a day full of insults and some other awful things done to me mainly by Anna, Gerda greeted me with a letter from Norway, from my father. I opened it at my room and read it.

Elsa:

I'm very disappointed of you. You were doing well at school, but now your grades are far less than acceptable. I told you when you left that I expected only the very best from you, otherwise I wouldn't help you anymore. Well, I will stay truth to my word; I won't send any money to you unless you get perfect notes in all subjects. The principal will give me a full report next week, and if your grades haven't improved by then, they I suggest you to start packing your belongings, since you won't be able to pay the rent and you'll have to live on the streets.

PS. Don't even try finding a job, because if I get word of it, I will make sure you're punished properly.

Adgar Frost

At first I had been excited when I saw such a large letter, but I soon realized the meaning behind it and a dreadful sensation possessed my entire body. I can't say I wasn't expecting that; he did warned me, but it didn't make it any less shocking. I started trembling badly, dropped the evil piece of paper, and cried for the rest of the evening, not stopping until I fell asleep at some point.

It isn't my fault that my grades aren't perfect now; subjects that once were easy for me, like maths and History, now seem to be downright impossible to comprehend, and my concentration keeps slipping through my fingers as soon as my thoughts wander around certain redhead (though not like in a daydreaming way as they used to, but more like in a fearful and depressing mess, which crumbles me down in a way I'm left as an useless piece of nothing) and her friends… who are also to blame for this because they stole a very important homework from me.

As you see I'm very stressed, sad and angry, but I can't worry about my feelings right now. Conceal, don't feel. I have an English exam to study for, and I'm planning on getting a 100, not mediocre 90's and 80's as I've gotten lately in all subjects, but the perfect score. So I woke up early today and studied everything I could from my notes, then I went to school and I planned on studying from some books I had borrowed from the library during the two free hours I had, so I went to my locker to get them out and started heading to said building, but just as I am walking through a lonely hallway, I hear hurried footsteps approaching me. I try not to pay attention to them, keeping my gaze at the floor and hoping it is someone who doesn't knows me, but I'm not that lucky.

A strong shoulder collides with mine and I drop the books. I don't even dare to look who was the one who did it because I don't want a confrontation. The best would be pretending nothing happened. I start picking up my books, when I hear the voice I wanted to hear less at that moment:

"Watch where you're going." Anna says angrily, stopping and probably looking at me with that vile grimace she always has lately. I try to ignore her, hoping this way she'll leave me alone, but it doesn't work. "What? You won't even say sorry?" I stand up and walk away, trying to escape before it gets worse, but I should've known better; Anna never loses hold of her favorite prey. "Hey! Now I don't deserve even a small apology?" She says furiously, running to stand in front of me, keeping me from getting away. I just continue looking to the ground, not wanting to see her face so full of hate.

In that moment, she quickly grabs my headband and holds it out of my reach saying:

"Now, say you're sorry and I'll return it to you."

Why would I say I'm sorry? You hit me on purpose! And now you stole my headband. Give it back or I will kill you!

Stop being so impulsive. You will hurt her and we both know you couldn't possibly live with it, not only because, stupidly, you still love her, but because your father would send you to the Antarctica this time.

I almost lost my composure at this, unable to keep a hold on myself, despite my mind reminding me of the consequences of letting it go. That headband is very special for me, since it was a present from my older brother for my eight birthday, and he was the only one who's ever loved me. I don't say anything, though, not trusting myself in that moment, but I do try to reach for it, even jumping a little, and, since I'm slightly taller than her, I almost get it back, but she promptly puts it behind her back. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and try to keep calm. I don't wanna do something I'll regret latter. Once I've convinced myself that it's not that of a big deal, I finally open my eyes and look at her face, saying with the coldest voice I manage to emit:

"Give me my headband."

"No." She says curtly.

I'm taken aback by her answer. Normally that cold voice is enough to tell anyone (well, anyone but Hans and Snow) that they shouldn't mess up with me because I'll have no mercy. However, Anna doesn't seem to be impressed by it. This makes my barriers fall for a moment and my vulnerability shows against my will.

"P-please." I plead. "I… I'm sorry for hitting you."

For a moment I think she's going to oblige, due to her brief look of sympathy, but then she turns back into her previous (and evil) self.

"Well, now that you said it so nicely…" She feigns to be thinking, putting a finger behind her chin. "Mmmmh… No, I won't."

"But I already said I'm sorry." I say very upset, but trying to keep it cool.

"Yes, but it's not enough." She smirks, and in that moment I know she's planning something bad. "What about you get on your knees and…?"

Are you serious?! You tried to comfort me when Snow did this to me, and now you're copying her actions?

She isn't even original when it comes to think of ways for tormenting you. I told you she was exactly as the others.

This last thought makes me really upset, with myself for being so blind and with Anna for wanting me to do something so humiliating just because she learned it from Snow.

"Give that to me now, Anna!" I say with a loud voice, extending my arm towards her, wanting to end all this now.

"Or what?" she asks with the attitude of a little brat, clearly wanting to press all my buttons. Well, it works. I'm so angry that I don't even think my next words until they have already escaped from my mouth.

"Or… or I'll tell everyone you're sleeping with Hans." I regret it the moment I say them, but it's already too late.

Her smile disappears in that instant and the color leaves her face. It's clear as the day that I hurt her badly, and that she is shocked at my words.

Well, what were you expecting? You practically called her a whore! You know how much she must be hating her situation, but you just had to remind her of it, and why? Because it's always in your mind because you are jealous! You are just a selfish idiot, a monster who keeps hurting the ones she loves.

No, I didn't want to hurt her.

Well, congratulations! You did it anyways. You better apologize before she starts crying or something.

"I… I'm sorry." I say, deviating my gaze to the floor, ashamed. "It's just that I saw you kissing him and…" And I got jealous. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I close my eyes sighing, disgusted with myself.

"Don't be." I hear her saying, sounding confident, crossing her arms over her chest. I look up to see her and I'm surprised when I find no trace of the previous pain she had in her eyes. "There's no need for that." Now I am confused. I don't understand what's going on in her head. "Actually I'm not sleeping with Hans yet, but it honors me that you thought that. Hans is a fine gentleman and, as you must know, quite handsome, smart and charming. So, nope, it wouldn't bother me if you told everyone in this High that I've been in his bed. Actually I'm proud to say that someone like him placed some interest in someone like me, even if it is only in a sexual way." At first I thought she was telling the truth, but I soon found a glint of doubt at her own words in those beautiful eyes of her. She is trying to convince herself at the same time she convinces me. She doesn't want to admit just how miserable she really is.

"Don't you feel… y'know… degraded?" I ask carefully, wanting to see if this time she'll tell the truth.

"Of course not!" She says, but her eyes tell otherwise. "I mean it's Hans! What about you? Don't you feel degraded?" What? I'm not the one being some jerk's toy. "I mean no one ever have expressed their desire to sleep with you, and honestly who would? I mean, you're… you." She eyes me with despise and I'm unable to conceal the fresh wave of pain that comes through my chest.

Is that what she really think about me? That I'm not attractive at all?

Were you seriously expecting something different?

"You should be thankful if an ugly and dirty tramp ever dared to rape you."

Those words are like a big stab to my heart. For a moment I can't even breath because of the big amount of real pain in my chest, and I think I'm having a heart attack. But no, it's just my heart breaking to splinters.

I close my eyes, trying to suppress the tears and get rid of the knot in my throat, but it's just too painful. She thinks of me as some kind of ugly monster, a freak which who no human would ever want to even touch. Now I know for sure I don't have even the smallest chance of being her friend, let alone something more. The feeling of sadness is just too overwhelming, I won't be able to repress my sobs longer. I have to get out of here.

I open my eyes and run away as quickly as possible, completely forgetting about my headband, not knowing nor caring where I'm going as long as it is away from Anna.

I get to the bathroom just as the first tear gets out of my eyes and a sorrowful sob escapes my mouth. I clench my teeth and put a hand over my mouth to keep myself from crying out loud and letting all the school know my pain.

I then look myself at the mirror with hate and despise.

Why can't you be a handsome prince in shining armor? Why can't you at least be pretty? Why will you never be worthy of Anna's or anyone's love? Why are you just a useless piece of crap?

Another tear comes out against my will.

Look at those ugly and unnatural blue eyes, that ill-colored skin resembling the one of a corpse, that white hair of yours that makes you look like an older woman, that skeletal body that would make even the most merciless men give you a piece of bread.

Another muffled sob. That's all true, after all no one has ever told me that I'm beautiful.

And that's just concerning your physical appearance. You are way too broken and crazy. What kind of person has two voices in her head just to be able to have some conversation, even if it is with herself? You are weak and you are cold. You push people away as some human-repellent because you're clueless when it comes to human interaction. You hurt everyone who comes near you.

Tell me, Elsa who could ever want to be with you when there are so many normal girls in the world?

Another two tears come out from my eyes, and I can feel more forming in my eyes, but I push them back, using all my will to keep them inside. Finally, after a draining fighting with myself, I'm able to conceal my feelings and stop crying. I feel terribly bad and tired, to the extent that everything is just pointless to me; being at school, getting good grades, standing at my feet… even breathing. Living. I've never cried at school before and it's just horrible. I am lucky that no one was in this bathroom the whole time I've been here, because they would've seen my weakness… does it matter, though? If I feign to be strong they still bother me, so if I show the real me, the weak me, there should be no difference.

I quickly wipe my tears and wash my face, trying to erase all signs of having cried to avoid someone (the teachers, probably) asking me if something is wrong. I really don't want to talk to anyone right now.

I get out of the bathroom and walk to the library, looking at the ground and dragging my feet. I don't know if I'm really going to study, but anyways, I don't have anywhere else to go right now. In the way there I see many people and I can tell all of them are looking at me, whispering about how broken the Ice Queen seems. Who cares? They can talk about me all they want, I deserve this. I'm just a monster.

However, just as I'm about to reach the library, I feel a pair of slim arms evolving my waist, just as a voice of a young man says:

"Hi, I'm Olaf, and I love warm hugs!"

My reaction is instantaneous, I don't even think about it until it's done. I shake violently, shuddering at the foreign touch, almost afraid of it. The guy who tried to hug me, notices it and releases me. A look up just enough to see him. His is short, his head just reaching my chest, and very thin. He has black hair, round cheeks, an elongated nose and a big smile with front teeth resembling a rodent. Olaf… I think I've had one or two classes with him in the past.

"Why did you shudder?" He asks sadly, his smile now gone. "Don't you like warm hugs?"

No one has given me one in eight years, so I'm not sure. It was just strange. I don't even know why I reacted that way.

I just shrug as an answer.

"I'm sorry if I caused you discomfort." He says apologetically. "It's just… you seemed so sad that I thought you could use one." He smiles, but I don't return the gesture, I'm not in the mood of dealing with this. I just nod and walk past him, almost regretting the way I treated him when I see how much it affected his high-spirited attitude. Almost.

I get into the library and stay there for the next hour, trying to study, but not retaining anything in my head, my mind going to darker thoughts every time I try to concentrate. I collapse over the pages of my book and stop trying at all. After all, what's the worst that can happen? That I fail the exam and my father stops sending money at all? That I won't have money to pay the rent anymore? So what? I'd just have to live in the streets for a while, because with no money to even pay for food, I don't think I would live much. My suffering would end and everything would be alright.