Chapter 6. Living on the streets.

It's been a month since I received my father's letter, and truth to his word, he hasn't sent any money. I've tried to improve my grades, I've really tried, but because of the amount of stress so great that it feels as if the weight of the world is over my shoulders, they have been just getting worse and worse. Now, instead of 90's, I'm barely able to obtain 80's, being my average grades around 60's and 70's. I'm so depressed that I've stopped doing works that require to team up with my classmates, just to avoid talking to them, and I don't pay attention to classes anymore; I just sit there, wanting to disappear from the face of the world without leaving traces of my existence. On top of that, my brain isn't working as it used to, probably because of lack of nutrition, not only because I feel like I don't deserve the food because I didn't pay for it, but also because I don't see the point on eating anymore.

So no, I haven't got any money and by the looks of it I won't any time soon.

By now I should've paid Gerda the rent, but I haven't and she hasn't reminded me of it either. I think she knows I'm not just forgetting to do it, I think she knows I can't pay her anymore. I've been waiting for the day she decides I've lived there for free long enough, but it doesn't comes and the anticipation is literally killing me. I'd prefer to get over with it quickly, that's why I came to the resolution of confronting her today.

Today bulling at school wasn't that bad and, fortunately I barely saw Anna. Besides no grades were given to me, so I'm pretty calm and the less depressed I've been in weeks, so it's a good day to face what will happen anyways even if I don't accelerate the process.

As I arrive home, I go to my room and put my back pack on my bed, sighing at the thought of what I'll have to do next. I open it and gather all my belongings inside; clothes, books, shoes, my towel, a photo of my brother, the only souvenir I brought from my former life..., all what I own. It all fits perfectly in the small backpack and is packed in a matter of minutes. Once I'm done, I grab it and head down to the kitchen, where I know Gerda is preparing the food for the evening meal.

As I arrive, I stand awkwardly at the doorframe, waiting for her to notice my presence, but she has her back turned at me, and the suspense is literally eating me alive. Suddenly I'm trembling badly and sweating cold, my mind not deciding if it wants to do it or not. On one hand, it's better this way because I won't have to pressure myself any longer, but on the other… I don't like confrontations, I don't want her to demand me her money, because I know I won't be able to give it to her. Maybe it would be better if I just leave for good, no confrontations and no goodbyes, just a note I'll leave to avoid seeming ungrateful and rude.

I decide on it and leave the kitchen, my ragged breathing normalizing considerably, and go to the dining room, where I take out of my backpack a notebook and pull off one page, then taking a pen and writing on it:

Mr. and Mrs. Andersen:

I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly, but I have no money left and my father won't send more. I can't pay you anymore and I'm so sorry for living in your house for free during a month. If I could find a way to pay you, not just for the room I've been living on, but for all the things you've done for me, believe me, I'd do it without thinking it twice.

I'm sorry I didn't tell this to you in person, but I'm not good at goodbyes.

So, this is the last you'll hear about me, I'm sorry if I caused you any discomfort, but now I won't anymore. Goodbye.

Elsa.

I don't realize I'm crying until one tear lands on the little note. I quickly put it at the table, under the salt, and wipe my tears, hurrying to leave the house before I start sobbing noisily, alerting Gerda about my departure. As I close the door, I face the snow covering the streets, but I'm resolved to keep walking and not looking back, and that's what I do; walk with no direction, just away from my former living place, until the night falls.

It's cold, like freezing cold, and the stone benches of this park are really uncomfortable, and covered with snow. The white and wet powder keeps falling from the sky continuously, as it's been for hours now. Many would think it was stupid to leave the house at December, but for me it isn't; with this cold I will die faster and that way I won't suffer that much.

I smile at the thought, my first smile in months, and close my eyes, grateful to the little snowflakes, so beautiful they seem harmless, but that will soon help me leave this world. It reminds me of my childhood, when winter was my favorite season because there was just so much snow and the lake would freeze, and I could build snowmen and ice-skate with my brother. Then I learned ice was also very dangerous and could kill, so I started despising the cold. What an irony that I will die by it, but loving it anyways.

I close my eyes, hopefully for the last time, my last thought before drifting to sleep being that I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for being worth anyone's love, specially certain redhead's… who now will be sad, lost and confused forever because I couldn't save her from Hans. I regret that deeply.

Goodbye Anna. Iwish I could have helped you.

I'm walking on a road completely covered by snow and surrounded by tall pine trees. I know this road, it's the one I used to take to go to the frozen lake with my bother when I was a child, the one that always brought bad and good memories back whenever I wandered over here all by my own. This time, however, I don't remember or feel anything, I'm just walking, not even thinking or caring where I'm going.

Finally, after a while, I arrive to the lake, which is frozen, but empty. Usually there'd be many people here ice-skating, but not today, and this time I know why; winter is coming to an end, making the ice very thin and treacherous, so to do ice-skating right now would be suicide.

There's a pair of ice skates at the shore. My ice skates. Suddenly I want nothing more than to put them on my feet and use them. I approach to them and do so, but just when I'm about to step into the lake, a hand on my shoulder stops me. I turn around and see my brother staring at me, his grey eyes showing deep concern.

"Elsa, what are you doing? Don't you know the ice is too thin for you to skate?" He asks.

"Yes… I know." I answer softly casting down my eyes, not wanting to explain him my reasons for doing it anyways because I don't want to disappoint him.

"Then why were you going to do it?

"B-because…" I want to lie, but there's something about him that makes me want to tell him everything, to cry in his arms, to let him comfort me. I close my eyes and speak with a broken voice, showing vulnerability in front of another person for the first time in years. "Because I want to die." As I say so, tears start escaping from my eyes, but just as I'm about to wipe them, my brother hugs me tightly, stroking my head soothingly.

"Elsa, please don't say that. You have plenty of reasons to keep living, please don't give up."

"Which reasons? No one loves me anymore, father is disappointed and mad at me, my classmates are making my life a living hell, and on top of that, I'm homeless now! Which reasons would someone like me have to keep going?"

"I know that all might seem awful right now. Believe me, sometimes I thought about giving up too, I know how harsh our father can be, and that he's only making it the more difficult for you, but there's light in all darkness, there's hope even in the most desperate situation. You just have to see it.

"I… I c-c-can't." I say between sobs. "I can't see any light."

"Is that why you're now wearing a black headband instead of the blue one I gave you? Because it's dark, as your perception of the world?"

"N-no. I… lost your present."

"You lost it?" He asks unbelieving, clearly noticing my hesitance at saying the lie.

"Well… someone stole it from me. Anna." As I say her name, I tighten my hold on him, searching for more comfort.

"And who is this Anna to you?" He asks, though I have the feeling he still knows the answer. I open my mouth, but only whines come from it. "Do you… love her?" He asks.

"I-I… s-she… It's… complicated." I manage to reply.

"How so?"

"I loved her, b-but she's… ch-changed."

"What's wrong with that? Everyone changes."

"She is b-being manipulated and u-used by b-bad people." After admitting it, I cry harder, and he gives me time to gain my composure, just holding me, and caressing me. "Sh-she doesn't seem to realize it." I say when I'm able to speak again. "B-but because of it she's b-being mean t-to me, wh-when she was the k-kindest person in the world before…" I start remembering the short month we were together, all those times that just being with her made my day a lot better. No matter what had happened, if Anna was there, I could go through it a lot easier. I didn't notice it, but thinking about it, made my sobs reduce considerably because now I don't feel so helpless, I have a little portion of hope, even if it's almost inexistent. Suddenly, an idea pops into my mind. "S-she's the light." As I say it, whoever, I remember the past three months, and all the bad things she's done to me as well. "And the darkness." I add bitterly.

"We are all both." He says after a moment of thinking. "We're good and bad at the same time. It depends on the circumstances which one is dominant. You said she's being used by bad people, and because of it I'm sure she's going through a lot too, and that she can't see the good either, not even in herself. I bet she's lost and scared, just like you. But if you help her, maybe she can help you too, and that way you will both be happy. Together. You don't have to die to stop suffering, Elsa, you just have to believe in the possibility of a better future. You have to see the light, even in the darkest night. Promise me you will at least try it, Elsa."

"I-I'll try." I say, wanting to keep this promise with all my heart.

"Good. I love you, sis.

"Thank you. I love you too." I say breaking the hug and wiping my tears. Being with him has always made me feel better. I even manage to give him a little smile. "I missed talking to you like this… I miss you so much." A tear escapes from my eyes at this bittersweet statement, but he quickly wipes it and smiles.

"I miss you too, but please don't cry. This should be a happy moment. We should be having fun!" His smile then intensifies and turns into a mischievous one, and now he looks exactly as I remember him, that cheerful and happy boy who was my best and only friend at Norway. "Do you want to play snowball fights? Or- or maybe find a sled and slide down a hill?" He is very excited about this, I can tell. "Or do you want to ice-skate?" He points to the lake, which now is covered by a layer of ice thick enough to skate safely.

I smile, momentarily forgetting about my sadness, about all the things that have happened the past years, and suddenly I'm eight again; I have no worries, no responsibilities, no awful memories. I let it all go to live in the present and just have fun for once.

"Do you want to build a snowman?" I ask with the widest smile I've had in a long time.

I wake up when I feel someone shaking my shoulder. For a moment I'm confused about where I am, half-expecting to wake up at my room, back there on the mansion at Oslo, where I used to live, but finding only a stone bench, where I currently lay on, and the view of a foreign street. All comes back to me, including the unbearable pain, stress and sadness, and I just want to go back to sleep and forget about all that. However, I remember the reason because of which I woke up, and turn to look at the person who was shaking my shoulder.

"Hey, girl." An intimidating cop with a serious tone of voice says, while shaking because of the cold. "You can't sleep here. You must get back to your home before this snowfall kills you." I sit up, because I feel less vulnerable this way, before answering.

"I… don't have a home." I answer sadly and desperately, hoping that he just let me stay here. He frowns at this.

"How old are you?" He asks.

"Eighteen." I lie.

"Do you have an ID?"

"I lost it." I say getting nervous. I don't like his unbelieving tone.

"Where are your parents?"

"I don't have parents." I lie again. He eyes me with suspicion, before standing up from his kneeling position.

"Follow me." He says turning away and walking towards the parked police car near here.

"B-but…" I start, not wanting to go anywhere.

"I won't ask a second time." He says in a strict tone, letting it clear that I really don't want to mess up with him.

I quickly get up, grab my backpack and get into the back seat of the police car. As I do it, I notice the other cop, who is at the passenger seat. He seems younger than the one who woke me up and kinder, and is looking at me with a welcoming smile.

"Hello." He says as his partner gets into the car. "I'm Joseph, and this grumpy man here is Marshmallow."

"M-Marshmallow?" I stutter. That name doesn't suit him in the slightest. Said man turns to see me when I say it and I flinch at his glare.

"Hey!" Joseph scolds him while hitting his shoulder. "Don't frighten her. She seems pretty troubled without your help." Marshmallow just growls and starts driving. "Please forgive my friend, he just isn't very sociable, but don't worry, in the inside he is a good guy, right Marshmallow?"

"It's MARSHAL!" He yells, and I retreat into the sit, hugging my legs and wanting to be invisible.

"Okay, geez, there's no need to shout." Joseph says covering his ears. Marshal just growls again and keeps driving. After a few moments of awkward silence, he speaks again, turning to look at me. "So, what's your name?"

"E-Elsa." I reply.

"Well, Elsa, why were you sleeping at the park? It's very cold outside, you could've died!" I just close my eyes and say nothing, hoping he understands that I really don't want to talk. He seems to take the hint. "Okay, if you don't want to talk about it, it's alright." He says, slightly disappointed by my refusal to say anything.

The rest of the drive is spent in silence, only broken occasionally by the sound of Joseph trying to warm up by rubbing together her hands or blowing on them. It's terribly cold here, but I don't care. I can't feel it.

We arrive at the police station, and they lead me into it, indicating me to sit on a chair, and then going to speak with their superior, informing him about my situation I guess. When they're done talking, the Police Chief comes to me and looks carefully my face, as if trying to memorize every detail before speaking:

"Which was your name?" He asks. For a moment I consider on lying, but I'd already told Joseph my name, so there's no point on telling something different now.

"Elsa." I say reluctantly.

"Do you know someone named Gerda Andersen?"

My heart pace quickens as well as my breathing. How do they know her name? Did she call the police to search for me in order to make me pay her my debt? I have to lie, it's the only way to get out of this.

"… N-no." My answer sounds very hesitant, and he obviously doesn't believe me.

"Oh, really? Because she's been calling all night asking if we've seen a sixteen-year-old girl named Elsa with platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin and a slim complexion."

So my supposition was true, then. Well, I'm screwed. I could try pleading them not to let her know my location, but they're here to make sure the law is obeyed, so there's no point on trying.

"I'll ask you again. Do you know this woman or not?" His thunderous voice makes me retreat further into my seat, as I prepare myself to answer. It's pretty obvious that I know Gerda, so why should I lie?

"… Yes." I sigh in resignation. He nods thoughtfully and then goes to his office, to retrieve a paper, which he gives to the cops who brought me here saying:

"Take her to this address. Make sure she gets into the house." They both nod and Joseph tells me to follow him. I don't want to, of course, but honestly, which option do I have?

After 15 minutes of driving in silence (I didn't answer any of the questions Joseph asked me), we finally get to the Andersen's home. I want to escape, or to just disappear, but unfortunately for me, both options are equally impossible. Marshal gets out of the car and opens the door for me, I reluctantly get out and look at him with pleading eyes for a moment before he points to the entrance of the house with his head. I sigh and start walking, turning back my head when I arrive to the door, to see if they are still here. They are. Right behind me. Joseph smiles encouragingly and Marshal only nods. I sigh again and press the doorbell, waiting with a dreading sensation for it to open.

Finally it opens and Gerda comes out. Her eyes widen when she sees me and, without warning, she hugs me. I obviously flinch at the unexpected contact, but she doesn't let go of me.

"Elsa! Thank god you're okay. We were so worried about you!" She says. I'm so confused, isn't she mad at me? Doesn't she want her money? After a few seconds she breaks the hug, but keeps grabbing my shoulders, as if fearing I'll run away if she releases me. I feel a little guilty, actually. "Thank you for finding her, I wish I could repay you somehow." She says to the cops. Joseph is just about to reply, when another voice comes from the inside of the house.

"Gerda, honey, who is it?" Kai asks while coming to the door. As soon as he sees me, he lets go a sigh of relief and turns to the cops, thanking them as well for bringing me home safe and sound.

After the adults have thanked the cops plenty of times and the cops assured them it was nothing, the Andersens push me into the house, and Gerda says as she walks to the kitchen:

"Elsa, please take a sit on the couch. You must be freezing! I'll make some hot chocolate for you."

"Y-you really don't have to do it." I say tiredly, but she doesn't answer, going to prepare the hot beverage anyways.

Suddenly all what happened that day comes to get me, and I end up shivering from cold (my clothes have been wet because of the snow this entire time, but I was blocking all my feelings until now) and wanting nothing more than to sink into blissful slumber, because I'm really, really tired. Kai notices it and tells me:

"Go change into some dry clothes, but come back down once you've finished."

I nod, not being able to speak because of my chattering teeth, and run to my old room as fast as I can, taking off my wet clothes as soon as I close the door and desperately putting on warm and dry ones, quickly rubbing my limbs in order to be able of feeling them again. Once I'm not about to freeze, I go downstairs slowly, still trembling, and sit on the couch. Instantly, Kai puts a blanket over me and Gerda hands me a mug of hot chocolate. At first I don't want to accept it, but then I think that, if I have to go out there again after (somehow) I convince them to let me go, I at least have to be able to run further away and find a suitable place to hide so no one can find me. So I drink it without minding that it's so hot it burns my tongue. Once I'm finished I place the mug at the coffee table in front of me, thanking Gerda for the chocolate and feeling the blood slowly returning to my limbs and face.

Since Kai and Gerda, who are now sitting in the couch in front of me, obviously notice that I'm not trembling anymore and that now I can bear whatever they have to say, they shoot each other a couple of glances before Kai speaks to me in a reprimanding and severe tone:

"What were you thinking, Elsa? You could've died today!" Not exactly what I was expecting. When are they going to demand their money?

"Honey, don't be so harsh to her, I'm sure she's already learned the lesson." Gerda says touching his arm in a placating manner. "You won't do that again, right Elsa?"

I'm not sure about what to answer. I could tell them the truth; that I'll leave as soon as they let me, but I have the feeling it'd make them angrier, and I don't want trouble. But it doesn't make sense! Why wouldn't they want me to leave? Didn't they read my note? Maybe I should ask them.

"D-did…" My voice comes hoarse and too soft, so I clear my throat before speaking. "Did you read the note I left?" I ask ashamed and nervous, not really wanting to discuss this. However, I relax a little when their gazes become softer, but also… sad?

"Yes, Elsa, we read it. That's why we called the police." Gerda answers.

"Sorry." I say desperately, not wanting to go to jail or something. "Please, I'd have give you the money, but…"

"Elsa, you're misinterpreting this." Kai cuts me. "We were not-… are not worried about the money, but about you."

M-me? Why would they worry about me?

As if reading my mind, Gerda answers my unspoken question.

"Elsa, you've been living with us since you arrived from Norway three years ago, and during that time… we've grown fond of you. We care about you." Kai nods, agreeing with what his wife said.

As I look onto their eyes, I see something that I haven't seen in a long time, something that I can't quite tell what is it because I barely remember the sensation of someone looking at me like this. Something warm and comforting. Something good… but could it be true? Do they really care for me?

Of course not. You've been just a burden forthem since the day you arrived. How could they possibly, even slightly, cherish you? They are just trying to make you feel guilty for not paying them.

You're right. No even my own father loves me or even cares for me, why would two complete strangers who have been supporting me for the past three years do?

My expression, which just a moment before had been hopeful, falls. It's like this depressive thoughts that give me so much sadness, could never go away. No matter what the others say, or which the circumstances are, I'm just always negative, pessimist, always thinking about the worst possible scenario. I don't notice that Gerda has gotten up from the couch until I feel her arms around me for the second time in the past hour. I almost jump at this and she quickly lets go of me, noticing my discomfort. I turn to see her and find saddened eyes.

Great. Now you hurt her feelings because you're a weirdo who can't bear a simple hug without freaking out.

"Elsa, please believe us." She says. "You're important for us, can you see that?" I keep staring at her, the voices on my head again making me doubt of her words. She reaches to pull a strand of my hair behind my ear, and continues speaking while doing so. I want to back away from her touch but somehow I'm able to stay in my place. "Aren't we important to you as well?"

This makes me feel terribly guilty because, even if I really want to say that I do, I would be lying. It's not that I don't appreciate their company, or that I don't think they're good people, actually they are very nice, and they are not completely indifferent to me either. It's just that I'm not used to feel anything, so I consciously avoid getting fond of people because it's more difficult to control my emotions when I'm with someone who I care about.

"Sorry." I say looking at the floor. "I-If I were someone else, you probably would be, but… but I just can't feel."

"Elsa what's going on?" Kai asks, serious and concerned. "You've been acting very strange lately; you seem distant and depressed, a few hours ago you escaped to the cold night without even having a proper jacket, and now you're saying that you can't feel when obviously it isn't true. What's happening?"

"N-nothing." I stutter, nervous because of the interrogation.

"Elsa please, maybe we can help you? Whatever it is, you'll have our support." Gerda assures me.

Why are they doing this for me even after I told themthat I don't really care about them?

"F-fine. My grades are…" I swallow loudly because I'm about to admit a part of my problems out loud, something I've never done before. "I'm doing poorly at school."

"Is that why your father won't say money anymore?" Kai asks. I nod slowly. He nods as well, thoughtfully. "And why exactly have your grades been lower lately?"

Well, that's the delicate part of the story. I want to tell it so someone, since it's too difficult to keep it all inside, not to say painful, but I can't just say that I have a crush on a girl who has been making my life hell because she's in love with some jerk who just wants to use her as a sexual toy, and who resents me because I didn't accept to be his friend with benefits a few years ago because I'm completely gay. No, definitely not a good idea to say that, what if they are homophobic?

I decide to say a partial truth.

"J-just the usual. My classmates have been bullying me…" My plan was to stop there, but my mouth continued talking against my will. "A-and someone who I care about is in trouble, but I can't do anything to help her because she hates me now." I'm very aware of how vulnerable my voice sounded, but I can't do anything about that. My emotions are too strong to be kept in.

"Oh Elsa." Gerda says with a compassionate tone while rubbing my back. "This must be very difficult to you, but don't worry, I know that if this friend of yours realizes how much she means to you, everything will be solved sooner than you think."

"M-maybe." I say uncertainly. Then I remember the other problem, the most pressing one, the reason that made me leave today. "But what about the rent?" I anxiously alternate my gaze from Gerda to Kai, waiting for their answer.

"Don't worry about it, dear." Gerda says. "We can't just let you live on the streets while we have one spare room and an extra chair on our table." I'm about to protest but Kai interferes.

"My wife is right. You're too young, Elsa, you need someone to take care of you and we'll be happy to do the job." He smiles. "After all we always wanted to have a daughter."

"D-daughter?"

Do they want me to be their daughter? But I'm terrible at being just that, that's the reason my father sent me here in the first place. I wouldn't know how to act as a daughter should, and I know I could never completely see them as my parents.

"Don't worry, we are not asking you to see us as your parents." He continues. "Just please don't leave again like that, because you really scared us."

"And if you talked with us about your problems, it would be nice. We want to help you." Gerda reassures me.

"F-fine, if it's okay to you… I'll stay." I say, relieved for not having to go out to die at the streets. I didn't admit it before, but I'm afraid of death; even if it means that my suffering would end, it's something I'd prefer not to have to face yet. "B-but I will pay you as soon as I get some money." My father taught me not to have any debts ever, and I'm not going to dishonor his instruction.

"If by that you feel more comfortable, then we have no problem." Kai smiles at me.

"Thank you, this whole rent thing was really eating me alive." I say really grateful. "But now I think I really should go to sleep, I'm tired and I have school tomorrow."

"You don't have to worry about that." Gerda says. "We'll call and tell the principal that you're sick. You can stay home tomorrow."

"I can't…" I stop at mid-sentence when I look at their faces, which tell me they won't take a 'no' as answer. "If I feel good enough tomorrow, I will attend to school. If not, then I'll stay." I partially give in. They seem satisfied with this.

"Then, by all means go to bed. You deserve a good night of rest." Gerda says pointing to the stairs. I stand up and wave them goodbye before starting to walk towards my room, but Gerda's voice stops me just as I reach the first step. "Oh, and Elsa?" I turn to see her. "Please try to work things out with your friend. Give yourself the opportunity to be happy, will you?"

I smile, remembering the dream I had about my brother.

"I'll try."