Chapter 7. The truce.

It's been a week since that day when I escaped from the Andersen's house, and I haven't attended to school since then. I was careless; I didn't think what could happen if I just went out there but didn't die, and so I got sick.

The cold had never bothered me before, not that I remember, but now I've spent seven days lying on my bed, trembling from cold but burning in fever, sneezing loudly and wasting too many tissues which aren't even mine, but Gerda's and Kai's. I wanted to literally kick myself for being so irresponsible and becoming such a burden and, on top of that, missing school, which would probably result in lower grades.

But today I will finally attend, even if I'm not completely recovered yet.

This brought up another problem. I don't have any money left, not even a dollar, so how am I going to get to school? Well, I decided to walk. Yes, I'll walk the 12 kilometers that separate this house from the school, so yesterday I set up the alarm clock to wake me up two hours earlier than usual so I could arrive in time.

So I wake up without being able to totally get rid of the slumber. If it is because of the disease or the hour, I'm not sure until I see the clock.

What? 5:30 AM? Why did the alarm sound at the usual hour? Now there's no way I'm going to arrive to the first two classes!

That's you fault, useless piece of pseudo-human being! Where was your head last night when you were supposed to be changing the time where the alarm should've woken you? Probably pitying yourself, thinking at how unfair the world is with you. How pathetic.

B-but I was sure I changed the time!

Guess what? You didn't! You probably just dreamed about it and aren't even capable of differentiating reality from your stupid imagination.

I try not to panic because it would only make it worse, and quickly get up from bed, dress myself, do my hair into my usual braid, gather all my belongings and run downstairs as if someone was chasing for me, all of this in less than five minutes. When I'm about to open the door, I realize it's locked and I turn to see Gerda and Kai standing there, apparently waiting for me to come down.

"Aren't you going to have breakfast first?" Gerda asks.

"I don't have time." I answer out of breath.

"You were planning on walking all the way to school, weren't you?" Kai speaks this time.

"I don't have money to pay the bus." I state.

"Why didn't you ask me to drive you there?"

"B-because I didn't want to be more of a burden that I already am." I answerer ashamed, lowering my head.

"That's what we thought." Gerda sighs. "But even if we appreciate that you don't want to give us any problems, we really want to do all that we can for you. That's why we changed your alarm."

So it was them after all. Good, I thought I was getting crazy.

"B-but…"

"We won't take a no for answer." Kai cuts me off. "Now go have breakfast, then I'll take you to school."

I realize there's no point on arguing, since it's already too late to walk anyways. So I just sigh in defeat and follow Gerda to the table. Actually, if I'm very honest with myself, I'm kind of glad that they ruined my plans, because I'm very tired because of the cold, and I know that the unpleasant chill of the outside won't be good for me if I want to get over this disease soon. However, just as I'm taking the first bite of my sandwich, the voice in my head speaks again.

You're such a parasite, imposing yourself upon these people who don't have to pay for your mistakes, and then making excuses to defend your selfish behavior. You are worth nothing, you are a parasite, a monster, a selfish comedy of a human being. You should be locked in a dungeon where you couldn't hurt anybody, or better yet, DEAD!

Suddenly I lose all my appetite as an overwhelming sensation of sadness and disgust towards myself seizes over my mind and body. I'm despicable. I'm not worthy of eating this sandwich or drinking that coffee. I don't have the right.

"I'm not hungry." I say pushing my plate away from me. My growling stomach disagrees, of course, but I'm so used to hunger that now I don't even feel it anymore.

"Elsa, you need food to get better, we've talked about this." Gerda tries to convince me.

"I'm sorry, but even if the food is really good, I don't want more."

"At least drink your coffee." She says placing the mug in front of me. "It'll help you warm up."

I was going to refuse again but I'm still somewhat asleep, and the caffeine would help me wake up and put more attention to my classes, so I accept it and drink all the bitter beverage, even if I'm not a big fan of it. Then I thank Gerda, go to the restroom and wash my teeth, but just when I'm heading to the entrance, a hand stops me. I turn around to discover that it's Gerda.

"Elsa, please take this." She says giving me a paper bag. "It's for you, in case you get hungry at school."

"I can't…"

"Please Elsa, you didn't have breakfast. I can't let you starve yourself." She seems to be very concerned about me, and I don't want to fight with her and make her upset, so I decide to take it, even if I probably won't eat it.

"Thank you." I answer very grateful, not really because of the food, but because of the care they show to me.

So once I've placed it inside my backpack, I exit the house, together with Kai.

The first five minutes of ride were very silent and awkward. It's not that I didn't want to talk with Kai, I wasn't sure what so say, and I was afraid of rejection if I dared to talk, so I just kept quiet. Finally, Kai decides to break the silence.

"Elsa, can I ask you something?" He asks. I just nod. "Are you at school just as you are with us?"

What kind of question is that?

"O-of course." I answer.

"Is that why you don't have friends?"

What does he mean? Is my attitude some kind of friend repellent?

"No… I don't have friends because I don't want to. They are all mean to me."

"And have you ever thought that maybe that is because you are too… antisocial?" He asks cautiously.

Antisocial? Me? They are the ones who bully me with no reason! I don't do anything wrong to them! Is he trying to justify their behavior?

"You don't know anything about me or my story. You don't have the right to judge me like that." I say coldly, yet calmly.

Maybe he does have the right. Besides, you're only fooling yourself; you are antisocial. It's your fault that people find you so despicable that they don't care if they hurt your feelings. Now say sorry to him.

"S-sorry." I say ashamed of my foolish outburst. "I-I didn't mean to say that."

"No, it's okay." Kai interrupts me. "I didn't mean to assume. I just want to understand the problem better, but I don't know anything about your life at school. Maybe if you told me some of the things that have happened to you, I could understand your situation and, I don't know, maybe help you?"

I consider this for a second. It's true that I don't want to talk about this with anybody, but if I don't tell him anything, I could hurt his feelings, and he'd think I don't care and I don't want him to help me.

"F-fine." I say. "I'll tell you how it all started." He nods, indicating he's listening. I take a deep breath, preparing myself to confess all this for the first time. "When I first arrived, I wasn't used to the language or the culture. I knew English, of course, but I had difficulties with pronunciation and, mostly, understanding what other people said, since I mistook some words for other which sounded similar. That's why I didn't spoke to anyone the first day, or the second, or the third. All the first week I tried to avoid speaking, afraid of being laughed at if I did. Then, a guy named Hans came and tried to seduce me, but I rejected him many times, and apparently I was the first one to do so, so he became angry and turned the whole school against me." I sigh, not wanting to remember those painful things.

"So it was fear the reason you isolated yourself from people?"

"Yes.""

"I thought it had been sadness. After all, I remember you crying every day for a while after you arrived."

Now I feel pretty embarrassed. They heard me! No one was supposed to see my weakness. This isn't good, now they'll think less of me. He must've noticed my embarrassment because his next words are:

"Don't feel ashamed, Elsa. It's okay to cry, and you had very understandable reasons. You had lost your family, your home, your friends, your country… all of that in just one day! I know you want to appear strong, but you can't keep the mask all the time."

"It's not a mask. I'm strong." I say defensibly.

"I'm not saying you're not, actually, you're the strongest person I've ever met. I just think you don't know what 'strong' really means. It's not to pretend that nothing can harm you; it's to take the harm but keep going even if it hurts."

Father wouldn't agree with you.

"You know? I'm sure you think that your father never cried or showed any feelings at all, and that for that you consider him as a strong person. The truth is that he was very week when I met him. He even thought once about committing suicide."

What? My father? Are you sure you're talking about him?

"W-what?"

"I met him when he was very young. He came to the States when he was eighteen, also sent by his father, as a test to see if he was strong enough to endure being by his own. The conditions in which he lived were pretty similar to yours, actually."

I don't think so. After all, the reason I am here is because he can't bear my presence.

"But his attitude was different." He continues. "He was mad at his father for doing this to him, and he was pretty aggressive, towards other people and towards himself. I tried to help him, and we became friends, and when he returned to his country I went with him as his driver." He sighs. "I thought he was getting better, but then it all became worse when your grandfather told him he was a disgrace to the family because he was dating a non-wealthy woman. However, he knew that his father would be very angry if he committed suicide, so he attempted it just to piss him off. He was saved of course, but after that, his father's rage towards him increased to the point he was forced to become cold-hearted in order to survive. He went through a lot and changed too much. I lost my friend because of it." Kai hangs his head, looking saddened. "Please Elsa, don't let him, or anyone, turn you into something you are not."

I have been listening carefully all what he told me. I don't want to believe that, but at the same time I do. I had always thought of my father as someone who was powerful, to whom the others weren't important, who had accomplished perfection by killing all his feelings and becoming someone cold and calculating. When I was younger I didn't like it, because all I wanted was to be loved by him; I wanted him to show me affection. But then I grew to admire it, mostly after I came here and realized how important it was to keep the feelings at bay… but a part of me still wanted his praise, so all I did was to gain his favor, to make him be proud of me. To love me.

So, being honest, this all just made me confused, but I'm glad he told me, because it let me know something about my father's life before I was born.

"Thank you, Kai." I say.

The first hours went… well, not too bad. I mean, people teased me about thinking I had died and how it was a shame I hadn't. Others asked me in a mocking tone if I had caught a cold, but then laughed because as "The Ice Queen", the cold shouldn't bother me. As always, I tried to ignore them, but I realized it was harder than before because of the vulnerability I feel inside of me and the great sorrow I've been exposed to lately, so I soon gave up on concealing my emotions, even if it only increased the bulling, because I couldn't keep them in anymore. I was tired.

Finally, English class arrived. I got in later because I had been speaking with another teacher about how to make it up for my week of absence, but as soon as I entered the classroom, I handed the medical certificate to the English teacher and explained him the reasons of my nonattendance the past few classes. He told me that there was no problem, that I only had to give him the homework later and copy someone's notes, and sent me to my seat.

I sat there, really wanting to do absolutely nothing, but knowing that I've promised Gerda and Kai that I'd get money somehow, and the only way was getting better grades. But that wasn't the only reason; I'd promised my brother that I'd attempt to be happy and to make things work, and for me that includes improving at school. So I tried to pay attention, even if it was very difficult not to simply let myself drown in pessimistic thoughts.

Just the hour is about to end, the teacher makes an announcement that makes all my hope go away, because I know I won't be able to do what he is asking:

"Now, before you go, I need to tell you about something you have to do during winter break. You'll have to prepare a little conference about a subject that'll be assigned to you, and you'll work by pairs, pairs of two people, no more, no less." Are you sure there can't be pairs of only one person? "You'll present it in front of the class the first two weeks after vacation, so you have plenty of time and, therefore, I expect it to be an excellent work, original and creative. Am I clear?" All nodded with defeated and upset expressions, including myself, though I suspect the others have different reasons. "Good, now please write your names on a paper and give them to me so I can give you your topics."

They all started talking with their friends, but I stood there alone. I knew everyone already had their partner chosen, and that no one would want to team up with me, so what was the point on trying? Besides, there's no one I would want to pair up with. Maybe in other times I would have wanted Anna, but I know that if she wanted to be with me it would only be to bully me even during vacation. Besides, she has Meg; the brunette is already giving the teacher the paper with their names. There's no point on dreaming.

However, suddenly I feel someone staring at me, so I avert my stare from my notebook, where I placed it after realizing my lack of opportunities at having someone to prepare the talk with, and raise it only enough to face a pair of jeans and a green t-shirt. Even without looking at her face I know who those slim and downright perfect legs belong to. It doesn't surprise me that she is here; I knew she wouldn't miss the opportunity of bullying me after a week of absence.

So I prepare myself for the attack… but it never comes. I'm starting to get nervous, not knowing what she's up to or even why she's here, and since I really don't like the suspense, I decide to say hello and see what happens. However, it takes a lot of courage on my part to even say one simple word.

"Hi." I say as I raise my head to look directly at those beautiful teal eyes.

"Uh… uhm… hi." Anna answers nervously. This is strange; I hadn't seen her acting nervously in months. I wonder what she wants with me. "Uhm… look, I came in peace, okay? I just don't have someone to make this talk with and I think you don't either, so… what do you say?" She smiles as she says this, but it seems somewhat forced.

Does she really want to be my partner? Or is she just trying to get my hopes up and then crush them?

Don't trust her. She only wants to hurt you. Besides, who would want to work with you? You are a very disgusting person to be with.

"Don't try to fool me like that please. It won't work." I say sadly, knowing she is only trying to wrong me.

"I'm not joking!" She says defensively putting up her hands. "I swear, please, I need a partner."

I look at me for a moment, trying to decipher if she's being honest, but it's too difficult, because she does seem to be really expecting an answer with a hopeful expression, but this could be either because she really wants me as her partner or because she is here to bully me.

"How do I know you won't try to wrong me?"

"How do I know you won't try to gain my trust just to hurt me?" She retorts.

Okay. I wasn't expecting this. It's really unfair to have lost her trust because I wanted to protect her from her supposed friends. And now she's using this to make me agree with something that's more likely a joke.

She sighs, apparently exasperated.

"Look, I know you don't want to do this, and honestly neither do I; I'd prefer to work with Meg, but she's angry with me for no reason, so…"

Ouch. So that's why she wants me; I'm her only choice.

Yes, and now you're making it the more difficult to her with you absurd suspicions. And also, what were you expecting? For her to voluntary wanting to work with you?

"Fine." She says, trying to calm herself. "Let's just call a truce, okay? I won't bully you and you won't try to harm me in any way while we make this. Deal?" She asks with a false smile, tending her hand to me. I look at her hand, then at Anna, trying to decide.

If this was about what's easier for me, then with no doubt I would say no. But I promised to get money and, therefore to improve my grades, and I can't do that if I refuse this opportunity to have someone to pair up with. Besides, I should also consider Anna in this case, because if I stay stubborn, she won't have anyone and the teacher won't let her do the conference alone. Finally, but not less important, I promised my brother (and Gerda too) that I'd try to work things out with Anna, and this could be a good start… Oh! And she said she won't bully me while this truce remains.

The positive arguments overpass the negatives by far.

"O-Okay." I say taking her hand reluctantly and I'm surprised to discover that the feelings I had for here are still there, as strong as ever, calling at me with desire. However, they are somewhat numb because of my tiredness and sorrow. I don't want her to know about my feelings, because it would make me more vulnerable to her, so I decide to say something more to make her think that this temporary union doesn't matter to me at all. "After all I don't have a partner and there seems to be no one available except you… I have no choice." I sigh and look at the floor.

"Good." She says smiling and releasing my hand. Only then I notice I hadn't let go of her and I want to kick myself for my carelessness, but instead I just blush. "Then I'll write our names." She does so and gives the paper to the teacher, who in return gives her another one smaller. She returns and gives it to me. "See, this is our topic." I read it: Pirates. I don't mind it, but I don't particularly like it either. "Let's exchange phone numbers so we can contact each other during vacation. I want to start this as soon as possible."

"F-fine." I say grabbing my pen. "Dictate it to me."

She does so and then takes out her phone to have save mine. Since I don't have a cellphone, I give her my hose number.

"Uhm… won't you give me your cellphone number?" She asks.

"Uhm… actually I don't have a cellphone."

"Oh. Why? Because you don't like technology?"

Do I seem like a grandma to you?

"No, i-it's just…" I look at her for a second before deviating my gaze. The reason I don't have a cellphone is because my father won't give me money to buy one, and it makes me sad and ashamed, because it reminds me of all my problems and about the day I escaped and almost died. "I don't want to talk about it." I say, hoping that she'll remain true to her word and won't try to take advantage of this knowledge to make me feel bad. "Besides, I don't get out of my house too much on winter break, so you'll be able to contact me at every hour and every day."

"Okay, thanks." She says. "Expect my call soon. See you before Christmas!" She waves me goodbye, smiling, and quickly leaves the classroom. I just keep sitting there wondering what will come out from this. Is there a possibility to be happy with Anna, as a friend of course, at least for a little while? Or will she end up hurting me deeper this time? Those are questions I have no answer for, but I wished with all my heart I could be certain of the results of this unexpected deal with the redhead.