Okay, first thing's first, thank you all SO MUCH for your reviews, it always makes me so happy reading them! I know it's pretty quick, but I have the next chapter ready. I kept it short because it follows pretty closely S5E4 ("Slabtown", one of my personal favorites). I didn't want it to get too boring but I felt like this part of Beth's story really, really needed to be in the narrative. Also, a note about the chapter title ("Something to Believe In" by Young the Giant): it is absolutely PERFECT for Beth and this episode, if you get the chance you should give a listen. Okay, enough prattling. Until next chapter, hope you enjoy!

25. Something to Believe In

"The very first rule of survival is to use everything you can use."

Mason leaned against the wall next to Beth with an important expression, which Beth smirked at.

"So, you're sayin' I should use your uncontrollable attraction to me as a weapon of mass destruction?"

Mason grinned. "You are on a whole other level and I fucking love it."

~m~

Beth watched the body tumble down the elevator shaft, careening off the walls until it splattered on the bottom floor.

"Use everythin' you can use," she murmured and Dr. Edwards smiled congenially at her, as if he hadn't just unceremoniously dumped a body two hundred feet to the basement.

"Exactly," he said. "That's how we've survived here for so long. Now come along. It's almost time for lunch."

~m~

The halls of Grady Memorial were raw with bleach and fluorescents. It gave Beth headaches. She'd learned to keep her head down, to speak only when spoken to, to hide everything about herself from the people around her.

Still she couldn't help looking curiously at the figure at the end of the hall, mopping studiously.

"I was a housekeeper before all this. Mopped floors in the bathrooms, cleaned nicotine off the apartment walls, and let everyone assume who I was."

The figure looked up at Beth but disappeared without speaking. She continued with her rounds.

~m~

Carrying the tray of food to Dr. Edwards office, Beth paused outside of Dawn's office. The blinds were open, revealing her on her workout bike and a boy folding her laundry, the same figure from before.

"We'll find Joan," Dawn was saying. "Until then, you've got laundry duty and I want my uniform-"

"Washed separately and pressed," the boy mimicked. "I know."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Smartass."

The boy gave her a sarcastic salute and Beth smiled. It reminded her irresistibly of Mason.

~m~

"Never be a smartass in a fight. It will usually come back to bite you."

"But you're a smartass all the time."

"Never do the things I'd be willing to do in a fight, either. Because I'm also a dumbass."

~m~

The boy- Noah- was ironing scrubs when Beth came to him with her own. They were stained in the blood of that woman, Joan, who she'd had to hold down while her arm was cut off. She closed her eyes at the memory and breathed evenly to keep her pulse normal.

"You okay?" he asked.

She hesitated to respond.

"You can't trust everyone you meet. They have to earn it first."

"I'm Noah," he went on. "The, uh, lollipop guild?"

"Beth," she finally said. "Thanks for that."

"Figured you could use a pick-me-up. After this morning."

"This morning" as in Dawn had been so upset about a patient's diagnosis that she'd slapped Beth hard enough to tear her stitches. Silently, Beth handed Noah her second set of damaged scrubs.

He raised an eyebrow. "Guess I should've brought the whole jar."

"Do you know what happened with Joan?" Beth asked. "If she'da stayed, worked for a while, couldn't she have just left?"

Noah laughed a little, but there was no humor in it. "Uh, I haven't seen it work like that yet."

"How long have you been here?"

"Guess about a year."

It was a knock to the gut. A year and he hadn't gotten out yet? Seeing the look on her face, Noah lifted his right pant leg to expose the ugly scar running from his hip to his ankle.

"My dad and I were both pretty messed up when they found us," he explained. "Said that they could only save one. For a long time I actually believed them. Now I get it. Dad was bigger, stronger. Would've fought back, would've been a threat."

"They left him behind on purpose," Beth said.

"And Dawn just looked the other way. See, she's in charge but just barely, and it's getting worse. That's why I'm outta here when the time is right. I gotta get back to my mom."

A spark of hope flickered in Beth's chest. "Where's home?"

"Richmond, Virginia," he said with a smile. "We had walls, people… See, they think I'm scrawny. They think I'm weak. But they don't know shit about me, about what I am. About what you are."

Beth smiled bright enough to put the stars to shame.

~m~

"Because you're small, because you're a girl, there are going to be so many people who underestimate you. That's a good thing. Keep them in the dark. You know who you are anyway."

~m~

"It's taken a lot to get us here, Beth. And I believe that what we had before all of this isn't over. And when we're finally rescued, when this nightmare ends, we're gonna need to rebuild."

"You don't really think someone's comin' for us?"

"There's still people like us, Beth, people trying to keep the world alive, to fix it. Until then, we all have to contribute. To compromise. If we take, we give back, it's only fair. So keep working off what you owe and you'll be out of here in no time."

~m~

"Never assume that someone will be around to save you. You have to save yourself."

~m~

"Lose something?"

Beth startled, whipping around to see Gorman standing in her doorway, holding up the sucker she'd hidden under her mattress. He tore the wrapper off and stuck it in his mouth, sauntering toward her.

"Mmm. Sour apple. Like the kind Dawn acquired from pediatrics. Suppose you could have a taste. See if it rings any bells."

"I don't want it," Beth said, but Gorman pressed it to her mouth.

"Oh, c'mon, now. I just wanna be sure I'm returning this to its rightful owner."

Beth's heart drummed against her ribcage. Her stomach churned. After a moment, Gorman slipped the sucker into her mouth and she nearly gagged. She knew she'd never taste green apple the same away again.

"Yeah," he purred. "That's right."

"Leave her alone."

Dr. Edwards strode in then, and Gorman pulled the sucker away. Beth turned her head to the side and spit until her mouth was dry.

~m~

"Sometimes a power play is necessary, but sometimes it's dangerous. Sometimes you need to fight quietly. Hide how strong you really are."

~m~

Dr. Edwards led her up to the roof, explaining about the man in charge before Dawn, about how he'd lost it and Dawn had had to kill him. The story was horrific, but as Beth approached the edge of the roof, hundreds of feet from the ground, she couldn't stop thinking about how Mason would've loved the view. Would've gone through her entire playlist in search of the perfect song to capture it.

Briefly, she allowed herself a moment to look up at the sky and smile. Mason was out there, under the same sun.

"Dawn took charge and saw us through everything," Dr. Edwards said. "Kept us together. Kept us alive."

Beth peered at him. "You call this livin'?"

"I'm still breathing," he answered. "The patients we brought here, they're still breathing. Outside these walls, alone, unprotected, they'd be dead. We'd be dead. People like you and me…we're not the ones who make it."

She had an uncontrollable urge to scream at him that he was wrong, that'd she'd lived out there, really lived. She'd had a family and she'd had music and she'd been in love. But she didn't. She kept her mouth shut, because that was the game.

They'll think you're weak.

"As bad as it gets," he continued, "it's still better than down there."

Let them.

~m~

Dawn cornered Beth in her room.

She was still shaken from Mr. Trevitt's death, the way his body had seized after giving him a dose of the wrong medicine. Still shaken about Noah taking the blame for it, how Dawn's officers had beat him mercilessly.

When Dawn walked in, it was all she could do not to rip into her.

"You really think I didn't know? Noah's smart, probably my best worker. But that story about the ventilator? Boy's not much of a liar."

Beth seethed. "If you knew, then why did you-"

"I didn't want to, I had to! A good man's mistakes almost ended everything for us and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let that happen again. Beth, every sacrifice we make needs to be for the greater good. The second it isn't, the second we lose sight of that, it's all over."

Dawn paused. Beth bristled at the pity in her eyes.

"The thing is, you're not the greater good. You're not strong enough."

Beth raised her chin defiantly. "I am strong."

"How many people had to risk their lives to save you? In here, you are part of a system. The wars keep my officers happy. The happier my officers are, the harder they work to keep us going."

Beth was too horrified to speak. Her knees shook, but she pretended Mason was right beside her, holding her hand. Keeping her standing.

"In here, you serve a purpose," Dawn continued. "But out there? You are nothing."

"That's bullshit."

"Oh, yeah?" Dawn grabbed Beth's arm and held it out, exposing the scar on her wrist. "I saw this the night you came in. Is that bullshit, too?"

For a moment, Beth could still feel it. Still feel the unnatural cold of the glass severing her skin, the sudden burn as her blood began to leak out.

She saw Mason pulling her shirt up to reveal her own scars and telling her that it didn't mean she was weak. That she was just fighting battles.

After a moment, Dawn released her. "Some people just aren't meant for this life, and that's okay," she said. "As long as they don't take advantage of the ones who are."

~m~

"This world breeds a special kind of wicked. There will always be monsters, like the Governor. And they do not deserve to live. They cannot be allowed to."

"Why are you tellin' me this?"

"Because…one day you might run into someone like that. And I don't want them to trick you into mercy. Someday, to stay safe, you might have to kill someone."

~m~

"It's not as bad as it looks, really," Noah insisted, but Beth still reached tentatively toward the bruises on his face. "I'm okay."

Beth shook her head, grateful and frustrated all at once. He shouldn't have taken the hit for her. It was the kind of stupid stunt Mason would have pulled.

"Look, Dawn needed Trevitt for something, I know that's what that was about," he continued. "Screwed-up thing is, she's trapped, too."

"But we're not. I'm going with you."

Noah blinked at the ferocity in her eyes, but after a moment's hesitation he nodded.

"Basement's the fastest way out. But any noise and we got rotters."

"So we won't make noise."

"Dawn keeps a spare key to the elevator banks somewhere in her office. If I keep an eye on Dawn, do you think you can find it?"

Fire blazed in her veins. Beth smiled.

"Yes."

~m~

Dawn's office was as orderly as Beth imagined it would be.

At least, aside from the corpse splayed on the floor.

It was Joan, beaten and bloodied. She'd used a pair of scissors to carve FUCK YOU into the tile. Swallowing her fear, her guilt, Beth took the scissors and tucked them into her pocket.

It didn't take long to find the key, stashed in one of the filing cabinets. She put it in the pocket with the scissors, seconds before the door opened and Gorman walked in.

They stared at each other for a moment and then he smiled triumphantly, closing the door.

Beth's pulse thrummed electrically, but through her panic she felt Mason's phantom presence behind her, urging her to stay calm.

Breathe. Play the game.

"I hope I'm not interrupting," Gorman said.

"Dawn was just askin' for her key."

"Was she now?"

Gorman stepped between her and the door, forcing her back.

"See, I was just with Dawn. And I don't seem to remember that," he said. "It's okay. Maybe she doesn't have to know. Maybe there's another solution."

He advanced until Beth was sitting on the edge of Dawn's desk. His lips skimmed across her neck as she leaned away. Behind her, there was a picture of Dawn and the former leader, Hanson, a stack of papers, and the jar of suckers. On the floor, Joan's fingers twitched with reanimation.

"So how about it, Bethy? We gonna work something out here?"

Nausea churned her stomach at the use of her nickname, the name her father used to call her, but she managed a nod.

"Good girl."

His hands coasted up her shirt. She braced herself against the desk, feigning seduction. Her fingers ghosted along the edge of the glass jar.

"Now Joan, she's not such a team player," Gorman rumbled.

The jar was in her hand.

Joan's eyes were open.

Use everything you can use.

"Lucky for me, you're not a fighter."

Before his mouth could find hers, she slammed the jar against his head, spraying shattered glass and chips of candy everywhere. He stumbled to the floor, right into Joan's waiting jaws. She ripped his throat out and his gurgling cries faded to nothing.

She took his gun and disappeared.

~m~

Escape was a blur.

Noah lowering her down the elevator shaft. The stinking dark of the basement. The blinding light of the sun.

They slipped through the gap in the first fence, but the path to the second was filled with walkers.

Beth paused, heart in her throat. She hadn't seen so many since-

Mason leading the walkers away with torches.

"Don't do the things I'd be willing to do in a fight."

Daryl telling her to grab her shit and run.

"We gotta go, Beth. We gotta go."

Fear pinned her in place. There were too many. They wouldn't be able to break through, not with Noah's leg, not with only one gun.

Mason would.

She would. And she had taught Beth everything she knew.

Beth raised the gun and fired, cutting a hole in the walkers' ranks for Noah to run through.

She almost made it, too. A few yards from the gate, one of Dawn's officers took her down and cuffed her. Noah stared, stricken, through the fence.

But Beth smiled.

~m~

Now she mopped the floors. Did the laundry. Kept Dawn's office as spotless as she demanded.

She did so quietly. She kept her head down. Pretended she'd been defeated. Pretended she was trapped.

But there was a fire in her. It was hungrier than ever.

~m~

Mason flicked her wrist and the knife was suddenly in her hand. She grinned at Beth.

"If you keep it tucked right inside your sleeve, it's easy peasy. Also, you can tuck weapons in your shoes or tape them inside your clothes, just so long as you can reach it when you need to."

Beth nodded, ever the attentive student. Her eyes gleamed with this new knowledge.

"After all this trainin'," she said, "I'll be like a weapon with a weapon."

Mason laughed. "Hells yes, my beautiful Viking queen. Hells yes."