Chapter 19
This chapter is Jane and Lisbon getting used to taking care of the baby and a week after. I haven't done any angst at all throughout this story, but this chapter has angst in it and there will be some in the next chapter. I wanted Jane and Lisbon to have a challenge other than the baby. I had to split this chapter up into the next chapter because it was getting too long.
Disclaimer:Don't Own the show.
After Wylie and Cho left to allow Jane and Lisbon alone time with their new baby, it suddenly hit Lisbon they would begin their new reality of being parents. It seemed like yesterday, she and Jane were struggling their way communicating after coming together again after two years of separation, now they were married and new parents. They had gone through so much together and Lisbon knew adjusting to parenthood was another task she and Jane could do together.
"So, we're on our own now." Lisbon noted. "No nurses." She said as she and Jane got seated on the couch..
"We can do it, dear. If we can take down criminals daily, we can handle a baby." Jane quipped grinning. "And prepare for sleepless nights." He was carefully holding the baby.
"I'm as ready as I can be." Lisbon answered.
"I'll probably repeat this over but I can't believe I'm this lucky to have this again, married to you and now we have her." Jane said.
"I feel the same way." Lisbon said smiling.
"It's just so surreal, like I might wake up and this turns out to be a dream." Jane admitted.
" This is real for us. Sometimes I can't believe this is happening either. I never thought either I would get this chance, being married to the man I love and having a child."
" We have this wonderful life now and I look forward to it." Jane admitted looking lovingly at his daughter.
"Oh, she needs changed." Jane said feeling the baby's bottom. "Do you want to do the honors, Teresa? Be the first one unless you have." Jane grinned holding the baby.
"No, I haven't. I just fed her." Lisbon admitted. They got up and headed to the nursery. They set the baby on the changing table and Lisbon unsnapped the bottom of the onesie, revealing the diaper. They looked at each other. Jane looked at Lisbon. "Well, you're going to do it? I will guide you." Jane grinned.
"Very funny, Jane." Lisbon rolled her eyes. "You just peel off the tabs."
She slowly peeled off the tabs and Jane handed her the baby wipe. "Oh, How did a little baby produce that much poop? She's not on solids yet." Lisbon turned up her nose. "I've never seen it that color."
"I thought you'd be immune to it considering all the bodies you've seen. It's supposed to be that color for now." Jane explained.
"I remember when you smelled the bodies and wondering what you were doing." Lisbon said.
"Well, this is a sweet smell. She's our daughter." Jane grinned.
She quickly took the diaper wipe and cleaned the baby's bottom and threw away the diaper in the pail. She then with Jane's guidance put on a fresh diaper. "Next time you're doing it." She looked at him.
"Gladly, dear. We have to take turns and pretty soon it'll be second nature to change a diaper." Jane said grinning.
"Little girl, you're all cleaned up now." Lisbon said to the baby who was moving. "I love you so much." Soon the baby went to sleep. Jane carefully put her in the crib. "You want to know what else to learn about babies. We'll have to give her a bath. She's going to be asleep most of the day. Newborns sleep a lot."
"I'm aware. The nurse said that much and I've read up on it. I'll have to work getting the bottle ready." Lisbon said.
A few minutes after putting Lisby Michelle down for a nap, Lisbon's phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and saw it was her niece Annie. "Hello." She answered.
"Aunt Teresa, hi!" Annie said excitedly.
"Annie, it's good to hear from you."
"I'm not disturbing you, am I?" Annie asked.
"No, the baby's asleep now. Though we've had quite the day adjusting. We just got back home with her today."
"I got the text and picture. I'm so happy you had a girl, Aunt Teresa. It still would've been okay if you did have a boy, but I'm so excited that you had a girl to join me and Annie Lou." Annie said excitedly.
"We're very happy with her." Lisbon said smiling into the phone.
"I mean, Uncle Stan already has a million boys." Annie exaggerated.
"I wouldn't call three a million." Lisbon chuckled at her niece's exaggeration.
"They certainly seem like it. They're so wild." Annie said.
"Two of them are babies." Lisbon reminded.
"They're wild, Aunt Teresa. You can't control them." Annie said. "You were more creative than dad and Uncle Stan with a girl name, her name's not Annie, is it?"
"No, we made sure it was different. Her name's Lisby Michelle."
"I like it." Annie said.
"Patrick named her."Lisbon admitted. She'll have to explain the name to everyone.
"I can't wait to see her in person sometime. I don't know when I'll be able to come again." Annie said.
"We'll be glad to see you when you able, Annie." Lisbon said.
"How's school?" Lisbon asked.
Annie talked more about her classes and her friends and finally they finished the conversation.
Jane and Lisbon looked at the schedule and they knew the baby needed to be fed every two or three hours. Lisbon lifted her up from the crib. "Daddy and I are going to feed you. Daddy's going to the kitchen to get the bottle ready." She came in the kitchen and saw Jane putting the formula in the the bottle and then heated the bottle in a bowl of warm water. She watched him and took note of what he was doing so next time she would try her stab at it. She sat down in the chair and Jane right away gave the bottle to her and she started feeding the baby. Lisby Michelle started sucking and calmed down as she drank. It was very rewarding to just hold the baby and care for her, Lisbon realized. Jane sat across on the couch and watched his wife. "Are you watching me?" Lisbon asked noticing Jane.
"I love seeing you with her. You're great with her." Jane said. "I love you even more now."
"I hope so. I think I'm holding her right." Lisbon looked to her husband. He nodded positively. "I feel so calm with her. She's so beautiful."
"Though we'll have to do this routine all night."Jane said.
"I look forward to it." Lisbon smiled looking at her daughter.
After a few minutes the baby finished, Jane took away the bottle and Lisbon just held the baby. She started singing her lullaby, "Livin' On a Prayer."
Jane winced and then laughed at her singing the rock song. "Teresa, are you seriously going to sing that song to our daughter?"
"Well, it's the only lullaby I know." Lisbon looked at him. "It helped my brothers sleep."
"There are lullabies specifically for babies." Jane said.
"Well, genius, why don't you do the honors, if you know so much." Lisbon said and rolling her eyes. Jane took the baby from her and started singing "Rock a bye Baby"
"You're not too good of singer either." Lisbon smirked.
"I've never bragged about my wonderful singing ability." Jane said back.
After putting the baby back to sleep and some of the day Jane and Lisbon were able to relax and unpack Lisbon's things while the baby was sleeping. They were also going to try and rest a little.
That night they of course experienced the baby waking up. They would change her and have to feed her. Lisbon got up in the middle of the night with Jane following and Lisbon headed to the nursery. "Hello, little girl. You're a night owl, aren't you." She picked up the baby carefully and held her against her shoulder. They went through the same routine as earlier in the day. Lisbon was as prepared as could be. This was going to be a wild ride, she knew adjusting to this lifestyle of the baby commanding her time. It seemed like she and Jane were not in charge, the baby was and this was just the beginning.
A week and three days later after coming home from the hospital, Teresa was feeling worn down and exhausted. She felt the excitement of any kind had left her. Her psyche inside her head was a jumble of emotions she couldn't keep track. She had gone from happiness to fear and now to sadness. For her being a parent was new for her, taking care of an infant, of someone so small relying on her. Sure, she was responsible for her brothers, but they could dress themselves and basically do most things on their own. They just needed guidance and help with meals. It was hard to get used to caring for someone after years of just fulfilling only her basic needs.
She sometimes felt inadequate being a mother. She was trying, she sometimes made mistakes. She forgot how much formula to put in the bottle or the what temperature it needed to be or other things. She noticed Patrick was still on his high of caring for his child. Patrick remembered everything from being a father before, his memory intact, though he was very good at making sure she had her chance of caring for their daughter with feeding her, changing her and dressing her. She noticed he was exhausted, but it was joyful exhaustion and he was beautiful with their daughter.
Lisbon felt like drowning. It was getting too much for her. This wasn't what was supposed to happen? Being with her child was supposed to be joyful and rewarding. Now she was just feeling anger and disgust mostly with herself for not being as good as mother as she needed to be for Lisby Michelle. She had gotten up for the baby, she was still going to try. She held Lisby Michelle and couldn't feel anything as she gave the bottle and instantly the baby took it. What happened to her, she was so happy when the baby was born? She enjoyed watching her and admiring her. She felt sad now. Why? It didn't make any sense. She could feel tears run down her face and she heard herself making a crying sound.
Jane heard Teresa move from the bed to get the baby. He heard her say she was going to do it so he just stayed. Then he heard her crying this time. He realized she had been going through some strong emotions and still recovering from the birth. She never said anything to him about it, and if he did, she wouldn't answer. So, he got out of bed and headed to the living room and saw his wife crying.
"Teresa, is everything okay?" Jane came in the living room seeing her sit in the rocking easy chair they had bought specifically for rocking the baby.
"I'm a terrible mother. She doesn't deserve me." Lisbon said still crying.
"No, you're not. She's not crying with you. Do you want me to take her?" Jane asked looking at her concerned at his wife.
"She's better with you. Go ahead, I make so many mistakes." Lisbon said.
Jane went up to his wife in the chair and carefully took the baby, held her as he sat on the couch. "That's not true. You do a great job. You're a good mother." Jane reassured her looking lovingly at his wife, however, she was burying her face in her hands and then looked up.
"I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I've gone through so many emotions lately. Now I'm sad all the time the last few days. My joy is gone. It's disappeared." Lisbon cried more with tears running now.
"You'll get it back. You're just going through a little post sadness. It's normal." Jane explained. Jane thought about Lisbon's depression. He knew it was a common emotion after pregnancy. Angela experienced it a few days after Charlotte was born. She got over it so he knew Lisbon would as well. It was just a matter of a few days.
"You know everything. I'm not good enough. I don't care about her anymore. I don't know why." Lisbon said.
"You'll be better in a few days. I know you will. Look, the fact that you're worrying about that is you do care." Jane reassured.
"I'm not sure." Lisbon refused to believe.
"We can't be happy all the time. Parenthood is a struggle and a challenge. This is the beginning, I'm sure we have to have all the emotions. I've let fear take over me and I nearly lost my chance of happiness again with you." Jane explained noticing the baby stopped sucking on the bottle. She was fast asleep. "Teresa, let's go to bed." He carefully got up and headed to the nursery and set the baby carefully in the crib. Lisbon followed.
"Do you think she'll hate me?" Lisbon asked assuredly.
"No, of course not. She loves you." Jane said. "You'll get over this. We've been on a high so long and it has to slow down a little. We need to experience all emotions." Jane explained. He thought about himself how he let fear rule over him for so long. Fear of losing Lisbon, before that fear of opening up again to someone. That tiny little voice kept telling him he would lose her. Every day she spent in the field, the closer she was to death. Fear drowned him. His happiness gone. The sadness of Vega's death left him crippled with fear and caused him to run away and hurting the most important person in his life. Then he came upon the shack and the three legged dog and realized, if that dog could survive, he could too. Now he was happily married to Lisbon and taking care of their child. He knew there would be some obstacles along way, but he was positive. He wasn't going to worry about her job anymore.
"What are you now? A psychologist?" Lisbon asked sarcastically still feeling as bad as ever. Even though her husband tried to calm her worries, she still felt the same way. She didn't think this will change. They entered their bedroom and went in the bed. Lisbon laid on her side and cried still. She couldn't stop it. She felt Jane's hand on her shoulder. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be touched. She moved away from him. "Don't touch me."
"Teresa, I'm sorry." Jane said disappointed she didn't want any comfort. He had noticed her starting to wear down and feel depressed the last week. He worried about her, hopefully it would go away in a few days. He had heard of it getting more serious than a few days of sadness and exhaustion. Maybe he was getting overly worried. Just like he remembered with Angela it should only last few days. So he just tried to get some more sleep until it was time for the baby to wake again.
The next morning he heard the baby cry early at 6, Teresa was fast asleep surprisingly. She hadn't stirred with the baby's crying. He got out of bed and quickly got the bottle ready and put it on the stand beside the chair. He went in the nursery quietly and picked up the baby and noticed she needed a change and quickly changed her on the diaper table, then he took her out to the living room and sat in the chair and grabbed the bottle. He held the bottle to her mouth. She cooed and started sucking. "Good morning, little girl. You're up early again. Mommy needs her rest."
Lisbon stirred noticing Patrick gone from the bed. She knew he was tending to the baby. She don't recall her crying, but of course obviously slept through it. She got up and came out to the living room. "Sorry, I didn't wake up. I should've woken up."
"It's okay."Jane reassured her. "We're having a fine time, aren't we baby girl." Jane said to the baby.
"I'm sorry about last night." Lisbon apologized. She was still feeling horrible. She didn't know what to do. Jane was being so reassuring last night and he tried to calm her with his touch and all she did was rejected it.
"I'm fine. How are you feeling?" Jane asked observing her. "Still not good."
"No. I'm not. I'm horrible." Lisbon complained.
"I'm fine. Just get some rest now, Teresa." Jane said.
"I should be responsible even if I'm not as good." Lisbon stated sadly.
"Stop that, you are fine. You'll get over this, but I want you to get some rest." Jane said.
"You don't trust me now to care for her." Lisbon questioned getting irritated. What was she doing being this way? He had done nothing wrong.
"Of course, I do." Jane said. "You need your rest." Lisbon went back to bed frustrated.
Later on in the morning, at 10:00, Lisbon and the baby were sleeping, so he decided to call a person that would be familiar with what Lisbon was going through now. He picked up his phone, dialed and sat on the couch. "Hello, Jane." The familiar red head answered.
"Hello, Grace. How's it going?"
"This is a surprise. I imagine you're pretty busy and exhausted now lately." Grace said. "I saw the picture you sent. She's lovely."
"Oh, yes, indeed, but it's worth it. You're not too busy now, are you?" Jane asked since it was a Tuesday morning.
"No, of course not for you. We've been a little slow lately. How's Lisbon?" Grace asked.
"She's the reason why I called. She's been dealing with some depression lately. I know it's common. I've experienced with it before with Angela." Jane admitted.
"Yes, the baby blues. I know about it. It's not fun, but I got over it." Grace admitted though surprised Jane mentioned Angela. Grace knew about the depression that soon set in after giving birth and now her former boss was dealing with it. It wasn't easy for her, but she got over it.
"I've reassured her it will go away in a few days, but she's not really listening. I think she would rather hear from a woman who's gone through it." Jane explained. "Maybe you could call her."
"Of course. I'd be happy to." Grace obliged.
"Maybe I'm being too worried, but I hope she doesn't go into the severe postpartum depression. I tend to let my fear take over sometimes." Jane confessed.
"Let's hope not. I'm sure she'll be fine."Grace confessed.
"Yeah, she was pretty depressed last night and this morning. She's in bed now and hasn't gotten up to do anything." Jane worried. He had heard stories about mothers harming their babies, and he really didn't want that to be Lisbon. He was being paranoid, Lisbon wouldn't do that. She was going to get over it. He was going to tell himself that. It will be helpful for Grace to talk to Lisbon and she would love to hear from their good friend and former coworker.
"I will definitely talk to her. Everything will be fine and I know what you're thinking about. I've heard those stories too." Grace said knowing full well that Jane was being fearful of Lisbon doing something to harm their child.
"My, goodness,Grace, have you developed mind reading?" Jane grinned at Grace's guessing what he was thinking.
"No, I don't think so. I just know that's what severely depressed women may do." Grace admitted. "Lisbon will be fine, Jane. You called me to reassure her, but it seems like I'm reassuring you now."
"I know, I panic. A few months ago, fear had become my best friend." Jane confessed remembering his constant fear over Lisbon's safety. True, he was worried about Lisbon too, but he was worried about his daughter.
"I will talk to her. Don't worry about anything, Jane, she'll be fine." Grace reassured him one more time.
"Thank you, Grace, you're a lifesaver."Jane said. "Good bye."
"Good bye, Jane."
After getting off the phone with Jane, she checked flights on her phone and Grace Rigsby grabbed her suitcase from the closet and put it on the bed and started quickly taking clothes out the closet and her drawers and started packing her bag in her and Wayne's bedroom. She needed to be physically there for Lisbon and not just on a phone call. She was going to go to Austin. It may not be the most practical or realistic thing to do, but she was going to go. Jane sounded terrified of what his wife was going through. He was being fully responsible for the baby it sounded like. She then noticed Wayne coming into the room. Wayne looked at confusedly at his wife. "Um, Grace, is there a trip I didn't remember?" Wayne questioned seeing his wife hurriedly packing her suitcase with clothes.
"No, it's just I'm needed." Grace looked up at Wayne. She knew Wayne would question her.
"Needed where?" Wayne questioned going up to her putting his hand on her arm.
"In Austin. Jane called this morning and said Lisbon is suffering from postpartum depression. He sounds really worried about her. He wants me to talk to her about it." Grace explained desperate.
"Grace, I think he probably meant on the phone. Not just drop everything and go to Austin." Wayne reminded.
"Wayne, she needs me. I think I could talk to her more adequately in person." Grace admitted seriously.
"So, you're not worried about the expense or the kids?" Wayne questioned being practical. "You need to think practical about this, Grace."
"I feel like I have to do this, Wayne. We managed to find someone for their wedding at the last minute." Grace said. "I'm not worried about the expense, when it comes to friends who need us."
"So, you want me to go with you?" Wayne asked. "Since,obviously, you're not going to change your mind."
"If you want to. You don't have to go with if you feel you need to stay here." Grace said.
"I'll go, Grace. They're my friends too. Another thing to think about is, are there available flights?"
"I already checked. There is a flight today we can go on." Grace admitted.
"I'll call and see if Sarah wouldn't mid taking both Maddie and Ben, since Ben's supposed to go with her anyway this week." Wayne offered. "Then that way we don't have to worry calling somebody else for Maddie."
"That'll be fine." Grace said.
A couple minutes later, he checked on the baby, and she was still sleeping as well as Teresa. He heard Teresa's phone ring. He wondered if Cho was calling possibly or her brothers or Grace already. He picked it up from the nightstand by the bed and looked at the caller ID and saw the name Alex. He instantly remembered the teenage girl they met at the clinic who Teresa had become friends with and had spent some time with them. He decided to go ahead and answer. "Hello, Alex."
"Hello, Patrick, is Teresa there?"
"Well, she's sleeping now." Jane answered looking at Teresa in the bed. Jane instantly knew Alex could also be the answer to helping his wife as well as Grace Rigsby. Teresa needed somebody else to think about than just her. She had cared about the girl and being friends with her before, maybe if he could get Alex to see her.
"I just wanted to tell her I had my baby boy. We've been doing really well. The DeWinters have been really great. I'm sorry I haven't been in contact lately. It's been really busy." Alex described excitedly.
"Congratulations. We have been busy too, with moving and preparing for and bringing our baby home." Jane explained. "I'm sorry we haven't contacted you either."
"You had your baby too? That's great!"Alex asked excitedly. "What did you have? I know you were waiting to find out."
"We had a girl. She's beautiful." Jane smiled thinking of his daughter.
"My boy is too. So, when do you think Teresa will be awake?" Alex asked expectantly.
"She's really depressed now. I don't know if you went through it." Jane said.
"Yes, I did, for a week after he was born. It wasn't too bad. I got over it."Alex admitted.
"I think it would be good for her to talk to you." Jane said.
"Sure, of course. I want to talk to her. I've missed her." Alex said. "It's great talking to you."
"I will call you when I want you to talk to her." Jane said. He was going to plan the talks with Grace and Alex carefully. He couldn't just put Teresa on the phone. She'd get too upset or refuse. He would prepare her to see or talk to people. He was going to see if she would want to see and talk to other people first. He hadn't asked her about that yet the last few days. Even though she had been feeling sad, she was still trying to care for the baby. But now after he talked to her last night, she was going into the full blown depression and not wanting to do anything.
After getting off the phone with Grace Rigsby and Alex, he prepared breakfast and Jane went to check on his wife. He hadn't made breakfast for himself as he wanted to have it with her and he was busy with the baby and talking on the phone. Sure, he was tired as well, but he needed to be the one to keep going right now. "Teresa, are you okay?" Jane asked seeing his wife curled up in the bed.
"Go away, Jane!" She yelled pulling the blanket over her head.
"Teresa, you need to eat. I have breakfast ready." He went up and pulled the blanket off her.
"What are you doing?" Lisbon looked at him. "I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat. Teresa, this isn't you. Being depressed and holing yourself up in a room is not who you are. You're the strong and brave one. This was me for years and you were the one that picked me up from the despair. I guess it's my turn now to do the same." Jane elaborated. He remembered her constant care over him when he went to the attic to brood or figure out his Red John suspect list and telling him to come out.
"I don't feel like eating! Just leave me alone!" Lisbon said.
"You need to eat. You need to do a normal routine. You may still feel like crap, but keeping a normal schedule will help you." Jane explained softly leaning by the bed and taking her hand carefully. "Come on, let's go. "
She thought about it. She really shouldn't be so horrible to her husband, who merely was being the responsible one and taking care of her while she was brooding and feeling sorry for herself. So, she decided not to refuse his hand. He was trying to help her, but she still felt like she couldn't be helped. His hand remained gripped on her hand and led her into the kitchen. She noticed he had prepared his normal scrambled eggs and had hot water in the kettle for his tea. He led her to the chair at the table and took his grip off and went to the stove and poured the hot water in a mug and put a tea bag in and set it on the table in front of Teresa. Then he dished eggs on a plate and grabbed a couple of forks out the drawer. He put the plate and a fork in front of Teresa. "Eat." Jane said.
She looked at him carefully and picked up the fork and stabbed into a piece of egg and put it in her mouth. She noticed Jane getting his own plate and tea and sat across from her. She tried to eat some more to satisfy him but the eggs tasted like nothing. "How's the baby?"
"She's fine. She's sleeping. You got a call this morning." Jane said. He wasn't going to mention he talked to Grace quite yet. She'd get mad at him, he knew. He wanted it to seem as if Grace was the one to call.
"From who?" Lisbon asked.
"Alex. She was wanting to talk to you. She had her baby boy and she's pretty excited." Jane explained.
"She did?" Lisbon questioned raising her eyebrow up.
"Do you want to talk to her?" Jane asked looking carefully at his wife.
"I don't know if I can talk to anybody now. I feel too bad." Lisbon frowned.
"I think you should. It'd be good to talk to someone else. We haven't talked much to anybody lately, since we've been pretty busy with Lisby Michelle."
"No, I don't think so." Lisbon refused again.
"Teresa, you need to at least attempt to get better. Alex has probably gone through the same thing you're going through right now. She likes you. You've been a good friend to her. If you hadn't decided to talk to her, she wouldn't have any friends."
"I just don't think I can do it." Lisbon refused frowning now picking at her food.
"Yes, you can. You can't keep feeling sorry for yourself. You have a daughter that needs you and friends that need you and I need you. You kept telling me the same thing at the CBI. You told me I was being selfish and childish and I had people that care about me when I gave up during the Plaskett case. Now I'm telling you the same thing. You can't give up just like that. You're the best person I know and the one who saved me." Jane said passionately and seriously.
"I can't do it, Jane. I'm sorry." Lisbon said frowning walking off to the bedroom. He didn't get through to her at all. He sighed frustratedly. He didn't know what to do, though he supposed this is how she felt trying to get through to him in the past. He wasn't the one to help her, that was obvious. She needed somebody else. He decided then to call the doctor to ask about solutions to her depression after he went back in the nursery. The doctor listed some foods that would help such as walnuts, fish, tuna, and protein such as chicken and eggs. She also talked about it's good to talk to other people, get out of the house, take a walk and other options. He found out from the doctor to avoid alcohol and limit caffeine. After getting off the phone he decided to put up alcohol they did have up high so she wouldn't drink. He didn't want her to become like her dad. He also decided to make sure her guns were locked up. He searched around the house to double check all of them were accounted for. He went to the cabinet they had installed, and emptied out the ammunition and hid it. He didn't want her around her guns in her state of depression. He locked up the cabinet and double checked it was locked.
It was a few hours later, Jane kept busy around the house and with the baby. He tried to get Teresa up a couple of times and explained to her the solutions the doctor had given him to help her. She refused each time. She needed to get better and try to continue with her life. He thought about if he should call her brothers about their sister, though he didn't want to worry them too much. He would have to see how she improved. Soon he heard a knock on the door. He hadn't been expecting anybody. He went to the door and opened it revealing Wayne and Grace Rigsby.
The part with Lisbon's postpartum depression was written after I saw Disney's Inside Out about looking at a girl's different emotions in her head when she moves to a new town and adjusts to something new. The ones they focus on are fear, sadness, joy, disgust and anger who are characters in the movie. This inspired this part with Lisbon as well as Jane. I apologize if this part is a downer, but I wanted to be realistic with Lisbon feeling depressed after the baby was born though I took it up. I had read about women feeling sad and depressed for a little while. Don't worry, Lisbon will recover.