Warning: Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt at the end of the chapter.
Chapter 11. Break down.
Two weeks have passed… The two worst weeks of my entire life, and that's saying something. Anna can't decide between being my friend and being my torturer, and I'm starting to believe she doesn't care about me anymore. Lately we haven't even texted each other… well, more like I haven't had the courage to even see her messages after I didn't answer the one she sent saying she was sorry about writing 'whore' on my forehead the other day. I haven't sit with her in English since that day either.
It hurt even more to forgive her via SMS every time she bullied me that to just be apart from her, so I don't even carry the cellphone with me anymore. Even if I still want to be her friend, I know it's just mindless dreaming. She prefers her "friends" over me anyways, and I don't blame her. Plus, even if she wanted to be with me for some unknown reason, it'd be detrimental for her… not more than being apart from her is being for me, but who cares? I know I don't. I'm just a piece of trash. I'm worthless.
If, during winter break, I thought my life wasn't so bad and that, after all, things could get better, now I know I was wrong. Getting up from bed is becoming more difficult each time; as I wake up, all I think is of an excuse for skipping school; in classes, I don't care about what teachers are saying, nor do I understand a single word; and each time I see Anna I feel and unbearable fear and sadness, so much that all I can think is that dying would be a blessing.
Some would think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. It's not just about the bulling, the humiliation, or the whispers. No. It's not even the fact that I feel a burden when I'm in my house and an outcast at the school. Nor it is that a girl I thought I loved is being so mean to me that's made me seriously think about not going to school anymore. Those are just additions to the pain that was already present inside me. The pain I've been trying to ignore for more than eight years now. The phantom pain that followed me from Norway. The pain that surges full force each time my broken heart is beaten.
I'm not really talking about the pain I felt when my mother abandoned me, or when my father wouldn't even look at me when I was just a child, or the pain when he said I was no good enough and sent me here. I'm talking about the pain of losing my brother, a pain so strong that left me so damaged I know I could never again be completely happy.
My brother.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering what'd he said, how would he act. Would he defend me from my bullies? Would he shed my tears every night when I cry for Anna? Of course he would. He was too good not to. I'd kill jut to hear his voice again, to look at his eyes, or feel his embrace. I need him now more than ever.
When I'm in math class, not really paying attention to the useless equations that I don't understand anyways, I get an Idea. It's been a while since I've done it, but I think it may help me feel a little better. It always works. So, I start writing in a blank page of my notebook.
Dear Jack:
I'm sorry, I know it's been a while since I wrote, and that I only write when I have problems, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.
I'm in the United States, that's why I'm writing in English; because I've got used to it and I know you'll understand anyways. I've been here for three years now, almost four, and I really miss home. I know what you're thinking: "You miss home? Why? Agdar is so strict and he doesn't even care about you." But believe me; father is a lot better than an entire school hating me and doing bad things to me.
I know you'd want to defend me, but I wouldn't let you. Even if there's a girl named Anna that's really making my life a living hell. Sometimes I get really mad at her and I'm tempted to beat some sense into her… but I can't. You know what father said about hitting people, even if it's in self-defense. Besides, I care too much about her.
I miss you, Jack. You're the only real friend I've ever had, and losing you was the worst experience of my entire life. I wished you could be with me now, reassuring me, telling me that it's gonna be alright, that there is hope. Without you… without your love, life is just meaningless, and I can't believe in the possibility of a better future.
You were my life, Jack. Still are. I promised I'd try and I did it. For you. But I can't do this alone, and there's no one here to help me. I tried and I failed. As always.
I put down my pen with trembling hands and bury my face on my arms. I can feel my entire body shaking, my throat burning painfully and my eyes wetting with tears. I'm about to cry.
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do this in class.
I try to control it, to keep my feelings at bay, but it's nearly impossible.
"Elsa? Elsa, are you alright?" I hear the concerned voice of the teacher at my side.
This time, at hearing her voice and knowing she'd be concerned if I don't answer and just keep shaking, I'm able to control myself enough to lift my head, look her and squeak:
"I-I'm not feeling very well. C-can I… retire?"
"Of course!" She exclaims, worrying as she sees my expression. "Please, go to the infirmary. Will you?" I nod, grab my belongings and run out of the classroom as soon as possible. Tears are already falling when I finally reach the nearest bathroom and get into a stall, crying desperately.
As I do, lots of images flow through my mind. All of them, about my brother.
The first memory I have of him is from when I was three and he was nine, and he was pushing me on the swing. We were having lots of fun. Then, I remember father pushing me aside, ignoring me, and Jack coming to comfort me, making up funny stories in order to distract me from my pain. I remember when I got to school and the kids bothered me because I didn't like playing the games they liked, and how Jack went to my school one day and talked some sense into them, so I wasn't excluded anymore. I remember every snowman, every snowball fight and every ice-skating session we had, even though father always said that we shouldn't be playing pointless games.
I remember everything about my brother, hoping to get some comfort from the now bittersweet memories. But I can't. Because he isn't here anymore and I'll never hear his laugh again, never listen to her silly stories again, and I don't even have the right to cry about it. Because it is my fault that it all ended. It's my fault that he can't be with me anymore.
A memory fights to get to the surface, but I push it back to where it belongs; buried in the depths of my head. It cost me a big deal to seal it and I'm not going to let it out so easily. No matter if it kills me, I won't allow it to come haunting me. I know it'll make it all worse.
Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel. Conceal, don't feel.
I repeat my mantra as I try to get rid of my feelings. My sobs nearly stop one moment only to surge full force next second. It's horrible, but not as bad as it was years ago. Besides, now I have more experience burying my emotions and locking them away. So, in less than half an hour, I'm finally able to stop crying.
After making sure no one's out there in the restroom, I get out of the stall and splash some water on my face to get rid of any signs that I've been crying. Then, I straighten my clothes and blow my nose. I look at myself briefly in the mirror just to see the Ice Queen everyone else knows. A little shaken, perhaps. And if you look carefully, my eyes express sadness, but aside from that, everything is normal, and I can get back out to the real world.
I sigh. I don't feel strong enough to endure the rest of the day, but I'll have to. I always have to, sooner or later.
During my free hour, I walk to the library, hoping to spend the rest of the day peacefully studying and attending class, but as I see Hans and the others rounding a corner and smirking as they see me, I know I'm screwed. I lower my head and walk fast, hoping to get lost in the crowd and escape, but when a rough hand grabs my backpack and pulls it forcefully, all hope dissipates.
"Where are you going so fast, Ice Queen?" Hans asks with his usual wicked tone. I am too afraid to answer and just keep staring to the front, ignoring him. "Are you deaf?" He asks chuckling. When I don't answer, he pulls the backpack from my shoulder so hard that I stumble and fell to the ground on my rear. "Let's see what we have here." He says as he opens it. I keep staring to the ground, trying not to panic too much; he'd never dare stealing something, would he? "Do you seriously only have books?" He says with disgust as he turns my backpack upside down, shaking it to empty its contents at his feet.
I sigh, resigned to my fate as my belongings land on the floor in front of me. None of this matter; it's just school stuff, but I still don't like how he's treating my things. I don't protest or do anything to stop him, though… until a paper sheet falls from my notebook and land in front of Hans, who eyes at it curiously. I quickly crawl to get it, recognizing what it is, but the moment I move, Hans grabs me from my sweater and forces me up, pining my arms against the wall and keeping me from moving.
"That thing is important to you, isn't it?" He asks with a dreadful smirk in that stupid face of him. I fearfully shake my head, but of course he doesn't believe me. Instead, he turns to Anna, who's been watching from afar all this time. "Take it." She hesitantly does as he says and unfolds it. "Read it. Out loud." He commands.
A dreading feeling goes through my body as I hear it. I know I would break down if Anna reads it for everyone to know, and that all of them will laugh at me, I'll feel extremely humiliated, and my pain will be even worse because one of my deepest secrets would be out. I have to stop her; that letter is too personal.
"W-wait Anna." I say with a shaky voice, making her look at me, confused. "P-please don't." I plead. "Please, if… if I mean something for you, don't read that." I know I'm kind of testing how much she really cares about me, and it isn't wise because she'll most likely obey Hans, but I can't help it. Somewhere, deep inside, I hope she does feel something for me, anything, that'll save me from the worst humiliation I'm yet to experience. I'm desperate to know there's still some good in this world.
"She doesn't care about you." Snow interferes. "Don't be ridiculous. Come on Anna, read it."
And Anna starts reading, just not out loud. It is clear that she's scanning the page, probably curious about its contents, but even if I'd have preferred it if no one knew what it says, only Anna seeing it, it's far better than the entire school. Besides, I can trust Anna, right? She'd never ignore my pleas would she?
In that moment she looks at me with a killer stare and says with a mocking tone:
"Look at what the Ice Queen wrote. It's for her 'Dear Jack'." Everyone laughs.
What? B-but… I thought she cared about me! She said she wanted to be my friend, and I begged her not to read it! Why?
Why? I told you you couldn't trust her. She's only been playing with you all this time. She has been hurting you since before the winter break. She's bad.
No, she's not, she likes me!
Really? Then why is he reading that letter?
"'I miss you, Jack. You're the only real friend I've ever had, and losing you was the worst experience of my entire life.'" My heart literally hurts as I hear her expose my deepest feelings for everyone to make fun of them.
"Ha! A friend? You?" Snow says, laughing. "I'm surprised you could found a single one. I bet he was blind!" Everyone laughs and I feel even more pain. "Or that he didn't mind the cold." She feigned to be trembling, making them all laugh even harder. I clench my teeth, fighting to suppress my sorrow and anger at her words. How dare she laugh about Jack? I'm not gonna tolerate it! Jack was far better than anyone in this school.
"'I wished you could be with me now, reassuring me, telling me that it's gonna be alright, that there is hope.'" Anna continues.
"There's not hope for you, useless piece of trash!" Aurora says. "Why would anyone ever bother in telling you otherwise?"
Because he loved me! He loved me and he didn't want anything bad happening to me.
"'Without your love, life is just meaningless, and I can't believe in the possibility of a better future.'" Anna laughs of something that causes me an indescribable pain every day since nine years ago. How can she be so cruel? Is she even the same Anna I fell in love with?
"'Without your love'?" Snow cites. "What was he? Your boyfriend?… wait, of course he wasn't; no one could be that blind, but surely you liked him. A one-sided love as it's always with the ones like you."
Of course he wasn't my boyfriend! He was my brother and besides I'm lesbian!
But certainly your love for Anna it's one-sided.
But Jack loved me!
Yes, that's right: He loved you. Past tense.
"No! He loved me!" I shout without thinking. Anger has consumed me. I can take people saying bad things about my brother anymore.
"This ice bitch's mind is more screwed than I thought if she thinks some could ever care for her! Let alone love her back!" Ariel states with a malicious voice.
"You know nothing!" I say trough gritted teeth as I struggle against Hans. "Let me go!" I want to hit Ariel… I want to kill them all. It's a disgusting feeling, but it's not the first time I've experienced it.
"Looks like the Ice Queen is heating up." Hans laughs. "Anger is the only thing you can feel, is it not?"
It is. Remember those days at elementary school? When you'd hit your classmates at the smallest provocation? Only because they teased you about Jack. You can't even control your feelings. Pathetic.
No, I… I don't only feel anger. I can also feel love! I swear.
"Of course it is." Anna says. "Despite what it says in this letter, she's incapable of loving someone, of feeling anything good. Not that it matters; no one could ever have feelings for her. I know I don't."
At her words, I see red. Literally. No one has ever before made me this angry. Not only because she said she doesn't care about me when, during winter break, she said otherwise, but also because she's seen the real me. She knows I'm not an Ice Queen. In her house I opened up to her. I showed her my feelings and still she… she dares saying that I can't feel anything good?
Without knowing what I'm doing, I kick Hans' balls and, as soon as I'm released, I run towards Anna without sparing him a second glance. I can't see anything else, just Anna, but this time I don't feel love or even sympathy towards her; I only want to kill her. I want to destroy her, to make her suffer until she kneels before me and says she's sorry.
As I catch her against a wall (I think we're in the bathroom, but I'm not sure), I press my left arm firmly against her throat and prepare my right fist to punch that pretty face of her. Maybe if she ends up being disfigured, I won't like her anymore.
Just as I'm about to hit her, however, I look at her eyes and I see… fear. Utter fear and confusion, before she closes them, to avoid seeing it when I hurt her. And I can't bring myself to do it, so in the last second, I deviate my blow and end up hitting the wall.
My hand's hurting but I don't care. I only care that I almost hit Anna. The one I claimed I love. I almost hit her. I wanted to murder her, I… she didn't deserve that. Even if she did read the letter, it was Hans who started it all; if someone deserved to be punished it was him… But I picked Anna. Why? Because she was weaker. Because it was easier.
You are a monster! Can you imagine how much damage you could've done to her? Remember what happened to that kid you hit once? What would your father said about you? You're a failure! You deserve all the pain you receive! No one should ever show compassion towards you, because you've never showed compassion to anyone.
I start crying, ashamed and angry at myself. I remember everything I wished to do to her; every nasty punishment that crossed to my mind, and I hate myself for it. I'm really a monster. I deserve to die.
"E-Elsa?" Anna asks. I had almost forgotten about her.
I briefly look at the redhead, berating myself for what I was going to do, before stepping away, putting my hands on my face and sitting on the floor, crying pathetically as I recount every single time I lost control in the past. Every time a hit a kid because my soul was so full of resentment towards the world, even at such a young age. Because I couldn't accept that life is not fair for all. Because I didn't listen to my father when he told me not to feel.
"Uh… Are you Okay?" Anna asks, but I don't dare answering. "Do you need something?" I look up briefly to tell her that she shouldn't be with a monster like me, but I can't because the guilt I feel as I see her worried face makes me weep harder. I even pull my hair in a pathetic attempt to dull my emotional pain by inflicting myself physical pain.
More memories assault my mind. How I was forced by my father to get rid of my emotions and how I was too week to do that. Until I learned to conceal them, to bury them in the depths of my heart. I had been successful with that until Anna showed up, and I didn't only start feeling love again, but also sadness, fear, loneliness, anger… I thought I could control the anger, the most dangerous of all, even if the others flew freely out of me, but… I couldn't. Years of self-control were tossed at the trash can in less than a second, just because I've been remembering my brother too much, and Anna, the one with who my feelings are always more intense, got involved in a sick joke they decided to play me.
I don't have a purpose in life if I can't control myself, if I'm destined to be a monster. I did my best and still, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the good girl I always had to be.
Suddenly, something cold and wet pressing to my right knuckles startles me out of my reflections. I flinch and try to get away, but a hand grabs mine, preventing me from doing so. I figure out it is Anna, and, as I glance at my hand, I see she's cleaning the blood off it. I suppose I got hurt when I hit the wall. Good. I deserve it. I deserve all the pain in the world. I'm a despicable person.
I still don't want Anna cleaning my wounds, not when I was going to inflict some on her, but I don't find the energy to fight, or even protest, and I just keep crying, angry with myself.
Finally, after an eternity, she gets up and leaves, only to return a moment later, offering me toilet paper. I eye at it for a moment, trying to calm herself down in order to be able to take it, because I really need it. After repeating my mantra several times in my head, I'm composed enough to reach for it, blow my nose and wipe my tears, trying to get rid of all trace that could tell someone that I've been crying, at the same time as I swallow all my pain and fury, which is not an easy task, keeping them in a secure box that's really just a time bomb.
"Are you okay?" Anna asks, concerned.
"Jeg vil dra hjem." I say with great difficulty because my throat hurts. Several seconds after I've spoken, I notice that she isn't saying anything, and I realize it's because I spoke in Norwegian, as I always do when my barriers are down. Besides, I was probably unconsciously referring to my home in Oslo… several years ago, when it was still my home. "I wanna go home." I repeat, this time in English, so Anna can understand.
"Oh? Of course!" She says as she grabs my arms and helps her stand up. I feel so weak, even my legs are trembling, and I know it's not physical weakness; I just don't have the will to stand up. "I…" Anna starts. I'll take you home, don't worry. You'll be fine." I nod slowly, wishing for the privacy of my room, where I can cry freely, and she leads me out of the bathroom.
Fortunately, the hallway was already empty, so I didn't have to go through even more humiliation, which I don't think I could've been able to endure. My belongings were nowhere to be seen, but at that point I didn't care… I just didn't care about anything anymore, so I left the school that day without my backpack.
As I didn't have any money, she paid the bus for the both of us, even if I told her that she really didn't have to come with me, but she insisted and I didn't have the energy to argue. We sat in awkward silence after she tried to ask for forgiveness. It's not like I didn't want to forgive her; it's just that I was so sad I knew that I'd cry as soon as I opened my mouth.
All the ride, I kept hearing that voice in my head, telling me awful things, berating me for what I've done, and I suffered through it, knowing that I deserved it. I had tossed away all what I achieved this past years after all, turning into a monster.
After twenty minutes, the bus comes to a stop and we get down of it, starting to walk, also in silence, until Anna asks:
"So… Who is Jack?" I stop dead in my tracks, not expecting the question, and feeling the pain that it brings.
"I…" I'm not sure if I want to answer, but as I dulled all my emotions and even my rationality, my mouth speaks automatically. It could also be that I really want to tell someone, no matter who, about him. For the first time in forever. "He was… my friend." I answer continuing walking.
"For what I read on the letter, I take it he meant a lot to you." She comments.
"He… does." I say, trying to keep my feelings from overwhelming me.
You have no idea how much.
"Oh. Do you… love him?"
"Yes." I answer, my voice shaking slightly as my barriers crack a little.
"Does he love you back?" I nod, not daring to say it out loud, afraid that I may break down again. "T-then… what… what's keeping you from being happy together?"
"He's… not here." I say, using all my self-control so I don't burst into pathetic and pained sobs.
He's far gone, and he'll never come back.
Yes. And it's all your fault.
"Were you happy with him?" She asks and I almost burst out laughing. Of course I was! And I'd do anything to be with him once again.
"Yes." I simply answer.
"Then, why don't you go with him?"
Why? Because he's dead! I can't see him even if I want to,
"I can't." I say as a few tears fall from my eyes. It pains me to admit the truth out loud.
"Why not?" She asks confused.
"Because… If I go with him, I'll never come back."
There's no way back from death.
"Come back to what, exactly? I know here you're bullied, you're unhappy and don't even eat well. And the only friend you have betrays you at the first opportunity." And then I almost hit her and kill her and become a monster. "I don't think that's a life worth living."
It's not. I'd better be dead.
"You really don't want to see me again." I mumble when I realize she's making a rather good job at convincing me. Especially because, if she doesn't want me around, I don't have anything to look for. I don't have any chance to be happy.
"What?!" She exclaims. "No! I… I'd never want you to leave, you're my friend! But… If I can't make you happy and Jack c-can, then I... I'll be happy if you are, even if I know I'll miss you."
Oh Anna! You're so sweet. Even if you don't know what you're talking about.
"You mean it?" I ask, hopeful for the first time in weeks, as I turn to see her.
"I do." She answers and there's no doubt on her voice or her face. Maybe she does care about me after all. She cares enough to let me go.
I nod.
"Thanks Anna." I return my gaze to the pavement to think this trough.
"You're welcome." She says and we keep walking in silence.
She did have some good points. No matter if there's such a thing as life after death or not, I know it'd be better than my current life. If there is, I could finally be happy with Jack, and if not… well, at least it'd put an end to my suffering, I wouldn't be a burden to Kai and Gerda anymore, father wouldn't have to deal with such a terrible daughter, Anna won't have to worry about me, and the best part is no one will miss me, so I won't hurt anyone. Sounds like a plan.
Wait. Am I seriously considering suicide?
It's for the best.
And, for the first time in quite a few months… or years? I feel free, with hope, truly liberated. It seems I only needed to let it go. All of it. Even my life.
After a few blocks, we arrive to my house… well Kai and Gerda's house actually, and I stop.
"I'll… see you on Monday?" Anna asks, unsure. I just nod as an answer. I'm not going to tell her we'll never see again, after all. "Right, then… goodbye." She tends me her hand and I look at it for a moment before getting a sudden impulse and hugging her instead. I hug her tightly, not wanting to let go, because I know this will be the last time I touch her. But I can't keep hugging her, because I will break down, so I let go.
"Goodbye Anna." I say, getting my keys out of her pocket. "It was… nice to meet you."
The good moments were nice, at least. I hope everything goes nicely in your life and that you find someone who can love you as much as I do. Someone who appreciates your true-self; the one that's kind and funny and would never do something bad. Please don't let Hans and Snow turn you into something you're not.
I, however, can't bring myself to say that and, instead, as I stand at the doorway, I say:
"Anna I… I forgive you." I force myself to give her a little smile, even if I feel sad on the inside, and then turn around and close the door.
The house is empty, which is not really a surprise, since I arrived early and Gerda probably went grocery shopping. I glance at the little notebook lying on the table and wonder if I should leave a suicide note. I decide against it; I don't want to make a big deal out of my death.
I slowly walk upstairs to my bedroom, open the door and close it behind me.
Suddenly, my heart is thumping fast and hard, as if it wanted to get out of my chest, because I'm honestly a little scared about what I'm going to do. True; I don't have any reason to live anymore, as I'm just a monster, a burden and the worst daughter ever. I'm not that perfect girl I ought to be, and, therefore, I deserve to die. But there's still the issue of how to commit suicide.
Pills? Too expensive. A rope around my neck? Too much of a spectacle, and I really don't want Gerda or Kai to deal with the horrendous sight. A dagger to the heart? I don't think I'd have the courage to do it, and the same goes to cutting my wrists open.
Defeated, I sink into my bed with a sigh. I know I'm just making excuses to avoid taking my own life… maybe I'm too much of a coward to do it.
Well, if I can't see my brother in the afterlife, at least I should get to see him in this life… even if it's only a picture.
Without getting up, I reach to my closet and, inside a drawer at be base, I find a picture of my family inside a picture frame made of glass.
There's my father, of course, strict and poised as always, dressed with a black suit. Father. The one I always longed for his love, but never obtained it. I was never worth it.
A few tears fall from my eyes.
Then, there's a space that should've been occupied by my mother… who I don't even know how she looked like because as soon as I was born she left, not caring about me in the slightest. Father always said it was my fault that she left. I guess he was right.
I cry even more, to the point I'm shaking completely, but I wipe my tears in order to be able to see the only important person to me in this picture: my brother.
My brother as his thirteen-year-old-self, just one year before his death.
My gentle, funny, kind, passionate and loving brother, who made the first eight years of my life happy, no matter if I was ignored by everyone and treated like trash since the moment I was born.
He never cared about who I was supposed to be, or if I wasn't all rigid and cold as father said I should. He never saw me as the useless spare, the girl who wasn't good enough to be considered a Frost. He just saw me. And he accepted and liked what he saw. But how did I repay him? By leading him to his death.
Father always said that ice was a dangerous thing, that we shouldn't play with it, especially close to spring, and that we should behave as responsible people. As the rebellious kid I was, I didn't listen.
I remember perfectly that spring morning. Even, if I've desperately tried to erase the memory, I do. I woke Jack up and urged him to go ice-skating with me, because it wasn't fun to go alone and I couldn't carry my own ice-skates. He refused, saying that at that time of the year, the lake would most likely be thawing, but I insisted until he gave up.
We sneaked out of the house and arrived at the lake. I put on my skates and Jack did the same with his. Then, we started skating and I wanted to make a race to the other shore, as we always did, but he said we didn't know how thin the ice was and couldn't risk to step far from the shore we currently were at. I was so stubborn back then, and I didn't like to be told what to do; I was sick of that. So, when he was distracted, I skated to the center of the lake and called for him, saying he was a coward when he turned pale and an utterly fearful expression appeared on his face.
He told me to go back immediately, but I kept laughing until the ice cracked under my feet and I got really scared. He quickly grabbed a branch and skated towards me, only stopping when the ice also cracked beneath his feet. "I'm scared" I told him, but he said I should stay calm, suppress my fear and, slowly, skate towards him. I tried, I really did, but the fear had me paralyzed, and my brother was forced to take off his skates, step cautiously towards me and hook my waist with the branch before pulling me to safety.
I landed a few feet away from my previous position, but when I turned back to look at my brother, there was just a whole in the ice from where his face, full of fear and despair, emerged for moments, asking for help. I tried to go help him, maybe grab the branch and pull him out, but I was afraid of falling and, again, the fear made me suppress all rationality and I ran to our vacation-house, asking for help at the servants I found at the entrance.
Now I understand that, as fast as I could've ran, the minimum time it could have taken me was twenty minutes. Of course, when they get to my brother it was already too late.
His blood is in my hands.
If only I hadn't ask him to go skating that day. If only I had obeyed his orders of staying at the shore, or about moving towards him instead of letting the fear paralyze me. If only I had had the courage of taking that branch and help him… then he may still be alive. But no. I wasn't good enough. Still am not. I still feel too much.
I throw the picture to the floor, not caring about the cracking sound it makes as the picture frame breaks, and pressing my hands desperately on my face in an attempt to control my tears and sobs, but it's useless. I always end up hurting or disappointing the ones that care for me. Just look at what I wanted to do Anna today. I'm a monster. I should've died that day instead of my brother. Everything would be better that way.
You can still fix that.
How? Jack is dead and nothing will change that!
No, but you're alive and you can change that.
I stop my sobs briefly to look down at the base of my bed, where the broken glass has spread in sharp fragments. I automatically reach down and grab one, eyeing at it, knowing it can give me relief and peace. I only need to do one simple thing. Suddenly dying doesn't seem difficult at all. Or scary.
I glance at the blue veins that run through my forearm, knowing they contain the red liquid that keeps me alive. Suddenly, I despise them. I just want to tear them apart, to rip them off me. So, without wasting one more second, I bring the sharp tip of the glass down on my left arm and smile satisficed as I see blood flowing out of it and feel the pain that comes with it, much more welcomed than the pain of my heart.