A/N: I seem to have lost some readers… well no mind. I mostly write for myself anyway.

"It's all your fault. You wanted to go to the diner. You wanted to stay out late. You wanted to stay and get dessert. They shouldn't have been there so late. It was all your idea. Its your fault they're dead.

Your fault.

Your fault.

Your fault."

She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, rocking back and forth, to the rhythm of the voice in her head. There were real voices around her, doctors and nurses, her parents and family, but the voice in her head, the loud, accusing, correct voice was so much louder and she couldn't do anything to shut it out. It was all her fault. All of it. She'd talked them into going into the diner, talked them into breaking curfew and staying there just a little longer. If they'd left on time, the diner would have closed earlier and they would have all been safe.

It was all her fault and she was the one that lived. She shouldn't be alive. It wasn't fair to everyone else. She should be the one covered in blood, laying on that cold floor. It should be her. She should be dead.

"Linds."

"Jo, what happened?"

"There was a call of shots fired. When the officers got there she was on the floor."

"I just saw her. Two hours ago, I dropped her off."

"Lindsay-"

"I should have seen it. I should have known. She was asking if we needed her help anymore, kept saying this was her fault. I should have seen it but I didn't try hard enough."

"Lindsay, you helped her as much as you could."

"No I didn't. I figured she would be fine, she'd call if she needed someone."

"It's not your responsibility to see those things, Lindsay."

"Well if it's not my job, whose is it?"

"Come here, sit down."

Lindsay allowed herself to be led to the bench across the hall and she sat down, her hands clenched up as she tried to breathe.

"You can't let yourself feel guilty about this."

"I should have seen it! She was saying all the things that…that I said. She feels like it's all her fault, like if she hadn't been in the park, Holland wouldn't have raped her and that poor kid never would have come across them and tried to save her. She feels like it's her fault he's dead. It's a crime that doesn't make sense, it has no rhyme or reason and she's trying to figure it out. Blaming herself gives it a meaning. It's like a book without a plot, and if she can blame herself it all makes sense. But blaming yourself, you have to do something about that. You can't live with yourself if you let it be your fault. I looked at her feelings of guilt and I saw my own. Instead of trying to help her, I got scared and didn't want to see myself like I was back then. It's my fault. I could have saved her, I was just too scared."

Jo was quiet for a moment, unsure of exactly what to say.

"Austin told me what happened to you Lindsay. She said you still feel guilty about it, like you didn't deserve to live."

"Sometimes."

"Can you honestly tell me that you can look into the eyes of your babies and feel like everyone would be better off without you?"

"I don't think that way anymore. I just don't understand why. Why did I get up from that table, why was I in the other room, why were they killed and I wasn't? I don't understand it."

"Did anyone ever try to explain that to you?"

"Not back then. I think the girls parents and everyone in town was wondering the same thing, and my family was just happy I was alright so they didn't question it. Adam and Austin always tell me there's a reason, that neither of them would be what they are without me. Adam says he would still be alone, he wouldn't have the kids. Austin says that… well she wouldn't be very happy either. But all I think about is the girls, and how many people they could have made happy by now. I know those things were going through Shea's head too. She figures if she's gone it can all be over. She's the bad luck. And if she's gone, life can be better for everyone. She didn't have anyone to talk to. No friends, her family is far away. It's no wonder that she… did this. I just wish I could have told her that this wasn't the way."

"Lindsay, sometimes people don't want help. Did you?"

"No. I didn't deserve it."

"What happened is awful, Lindsay. But don't add to the tragedy by blaming yourself."

"I'm always going to blame myself. I'm always going to wonder what would have happened if I had followed her inside and talked to her for just ten more minutes. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything but maybe it would have. And I can't stop thinking about that."

"I know."

The door at the end of the hallway creaked open and Austin walked through, her hair a mess and dark circles under her eyes. She and Flack had been close enough to be second responders to the call, arriving at the same time as the ambulance. She'd been filling out paperwork since arriving at the hospital and her face showed the grimness of the situation.

"We need to call her family," she said softly. There was no other explanation needed.

"I'll look at her file and see if there's a number in there," Jo offered, standing up from the bench. "I'll be back at the lab if you need me."

The hallway door slid closed behind her and Austin leaned against the opposite wall, her arms over her chest.

"You alright Lin?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Real answer?"

"Let's just deal with this tonight and I'll worry about me later."

Austin nodded in understanding and let it go. Pressing the issue right now was not going to help.

Lindsay tossed and turned all night long, sleeping for scant minutes at a time, then waking up again. She got up and paced, she tried to read, she ate something, she even went and laid down on the couch with the TV on. Nothing helped. Figuring she might as well stay up, she made a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch with an old photo album, opening it to the first musty yellow page.

"Mama, why are you awake?"

She glanced up from the book and gave Colton a little smile.

"I couldn't sleep. Why are you up?"

"I couldn't sleep either. Well at first I could but then I woke up. I heard you down here," he explained, coming to sit next to her. She slid her arm around him and he yawned, pointing at the first picture in the album.

"I remember this picture. It's you when you were a baby."

"Yeah, it is."

"You looked like Aves."

"Yeah, a little bit."

He nodded and continued to flip through the pages. He'd seen copies of most of these pictures before; he'd always loved to look at photo albums with his grandma. Some of them were new to him though, and he looked at them intently, asking her questions about what had been going on. He was getting close to the end of the book and he frowned suddenly, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Mama, these are not happy pictures," he said, pointing at the small newspaper clippings.

"I know."

"It's too dark in here to read them. What are they about?"

She took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to answer the question as he turned the page.

"Mama."

He was old enough to hear what had happened, maybe not everything in great detail, but he could handle hearing most of it.

"This is what they have in graveyards. How come you got pictures?"

"Sweetheart, remember the pictures of my friends from a few pages ago?"

"Yeah. Amy and Kelly and Stephanie. They were your best friends all your life."

"They were."

"How come I never met them when we went to Montana? I met your friend Karen once, I liked her."

"A long time ago honey, Amy and Kelly and Stephanie died."

"They died? How?"

"It was a very bad man that… um…"

"Killed them, huh mama?"

"Yes, son."

Colton was quiet for a moment, then flipped back to the previous pages.

"You mean these girls are not alive anymore?"

"No sweetie, they're not."

"How old were they when they died?"

"They were sixteen. We were all sixteen."

"I'm half that age," he whispered, staring down at the old pictures. "Was it really sad for you mama?"

"Yes it was. It was one of the saddest times in my life."

"Do you miss them?"

"Yes, I do. Very much."

"Are you scared that people will die again? Like how sometimes I am scared that someone will take me away again."

She nodded and dropped a kiss to the top of his head.

"I get scared a lot. I get scared that you kids or daddy are going to get hurt. I worry about Austin a lot, I worry about Danny and Isa and Sarah and Junior. Sometimes I have nightmares about it."

He sighed and moved closer, throwing his arms around her and trying not to cry.

"Oh mama. I wish that didn't happen. I don't want you to be sad and scared."

"I don't want you to be either."

"You and me are kindred spirits, huh? We both did something scary and no one else knows how it feels."

"I guess you're right."

"Mama, I know I am too big for this but would it be okay if I snuggled in your lap? I don't want to go back to my bed."

She moved the picture album to the coffee table and pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, then let him crawl into her arms. He was so big now, she hadn't held him like this in years, and for a moment she was startled at how fast the time had gone. She remembered so many nights like this when he was a baby, the two of them sleeping on the couch because Adam was at work or Colton was teething or they just plain couldn't sleep. They were special times that she had almost forgotten about because it had been so long since they'd happened. He was so old now, eight going on nine, but often seeming even more grown up than that. She looked down at his now sleeping face, the way his eyelashes rested on his cheeks and the small scar on his forehead that you could only see if you knew it was there. She brushed her hand through his hair and smiled when he snuggled closer to her, feeling for a moment like they were the only two people in the world.

"Thank you, sweet boy. Thank you for always being there for your mama."

Morning came a few hours later, dapples of sunlight through the window that were a nice reprieve from the constant spring rain of the last week. Colton was still snoring peacefully in her lap and she kissed his cheeks, then lifted him up and tucked him in to the other end of the couch. He sighed and scrubbed at his eyes, then settled back down, pulling the blanket up almost over his head. She kissed him once more and went into the kitchen. She didn't feel any better than she had before, and staying up all night thinking about everything hadn't really helped the issue. Pulling the dishes from the washer, she mulled it over in her head again, trying to figure out why she hadn't seen it, what she had done wrong, anything that could have changed the outcome. But there was nothing, and as easy as it was to blame herself, she realized that wasn't fair.

Once the dishes were put away she figured a shower couldn't hurt, so she headed upstairs. She could hear chattering from the boys room and stole a glance inside when she made it to the door. Ben was standing in the middle of the room in just his underwear while Avery sat on the floor with a group of stuffed animals lined up next to her, her hands clasped in her lap.

"Now folks, today we is gonna learn how to dress ourselves. The firstest thing I like to do is put on my pants. It's easy really, just put in one leg and then the other! Then you will have to have mama or daddy help you with the zipper part. Next will be your shirt. This one is trickier, but if you watch me, you can do it right. First put the shirt on the bed like so and put it so the cartoon on the front is touchin' the bed like this! After that, you stick your arms through these holes and lift it high so it falls over your head. Sometimes you gotta pull it down. Then you are done, except for socks, what we don't like to wear in this house. Any questions?"

Avery and the stuffed animals remained silent.

"Well that's the end folks! And remember, if you have any questions, you come find me!"

He bowed as if he had just given a great performance and Avery clapped her hands and hooted happily for him.

"What are you two doing up here?" Lindsay asked, as if she hadn't just heard the whole thing.

"We were havin' a meetin' on how to take care of ourselves so you don't have to do it."

"What do you mean so I don't have to? I like taking care of you."

"Do you wanna be dressin' sissy when she's sixty?"

Lindsay laughed and leaned down to pick Avery up.

"No, not when she's sixty, but I don't mind right now. However, if you could figure out a way to get her to quit using diapers, I would be very thankful."

"Okay. Now sissy, mama would be very happy if you could do the thing what you've been hearing lots about, what's called goin' potty in your potty chair! Could you do it?"

"No way."

"Well mama I tried my best but she won't budge. Maybe next year."

"Maybe she can dress herself this morning since you did such a good job teaching her. Do you think you can get dressed Avery?"

"Yes mama. Wear dress," she said, sliding down to the floor and running into her room.

"She's growin' up so fast," Ben said with a little sigh and a shake of his head. "Seems yesterday she was just a little baby. Are you gonna have another baby mama?"

"Nope."

"Oh good. I don't know if I could teach another kid stuff too. Sissy is a difficult student."

Lindsay laughed and scooped him up in her arms, kissing his cheeks.

"Ben, I love you so much."

"I know that mama. Can I go make me some breakfast?"

"Yeah sweetie, go ahead."

Feeling very important he tromped down the stairs while Lindsay went into the bathroom to hop in the shower.

"Babe, did you sleep at all?" Adam asked, poking his head in the door before she could close it.

"No."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes please."

He kissed her gently then held her for a moment, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Come back to bed with me next time. I'll help you fall asleep."

"I'm sure you will."

"I'm being serious."

"I know. Thank you."

His arms stayed around her and she yawned, wishing that time could freeze and they could stay like this for a while longer where it was safe and happy.

"I love you Linds. I am so glad I have you."

"Even when I'm cranky?"

"Every moment. You made me believe in things that I'd never believed in before. All I could see in the world was bad, no matter how much I tried not to. And then there you came and I found that there had to be balance, that for such evil to exist there had to be good. You showed me that good, Lindsay. You outweigh every bad thing that has ever happened, you've tipped the scales completely in a way I never believed would happen. Do you understand what I'm getting at here?"

She smiled and nodded while he brushed her tears away.

"Thank you for telling me that."

"You're welcome," he whispered, his lips on her forehead, before changing the subject. "Take all the time you need in here to feel human again, and I'll worry about the kids."

She agreed and he slipped back out of the room, leaving her to decide on a warm bath rather than a shower with the window cracked so she could smell the spring air.

She certainly felt a little better as she leaned against the tub, closing her eyes and letting her mind drift. It was safe to do so right now, while she was so relaxed and peaceful, her family right outside the door and her soul calmed by Adam's words. Carefully and slowly, she thought back to her darkest days, the ones that had shaped her and molded her and yet left no deep marks on the surface. Most of those days had passed her by in a blur, whether she had been numb to emotion or had been using a vice to escape it, there were no specific memories. She did remember very clearly some of the thoughts that had flitted through her head, especially late at night when she could look out her window and see nothing but stars and sky, neither of which judged her for the darkness of her mind, for darkness is what they were displayed in best.

At first she'd thought obsessively of death, the science of it, the morality of it, the unknown of it. What was death? Was it an ending? A beginning? Was it just something, nothing, a void? She wondered about the girls, what they had been thinking about in their last seconds, what it was like for them to cross into some unknown, a place no living person had ever been and no spirit could ever disclose. She became fixed on the idea of death as a secret, something that was different for everyone, something that was so personal to everyone that even if someone could come back and explain, it would be futile, for everyone's experience would be different.

Shame covered her now as she remembered those thoughts, the impatience, the desire to die herself, just to experience it. She didn't much enjoy living at the time, didn't see a reason for it, wanted to move on. So heavy were her grief and guilt that she could not adequately discern between curious fascination and desired self-destruction. It weighed on her for days, months, the idea of having control of when and how, of not having to leave the way the girls did, in terror. It was one thought that brought a morbid sort of light to her, the knowledge that she had the strength to dictate this, that she could make that decision for herself.

It wasn't long after that, a cold winter day when she found herself in the house alone, various methods of quenching her curiosity at her disposal. She daren't touch any of them, realizing that as much as she enjoyed the power, she was also scared out of her mind at the aspect of death, self-preservation telling her that it was not as pleasant as she had imagined it to be. The guilt drug her down into a different darkness, one full of self loathing and hatred and anger, a place where she felt that no matter what death was, she deserved the harshest of it, for it had tried to take her once and failed. Everything that happened in the diner that night became her fault. She'd convinced her friends, led them like lambs to that slaughter and for that, she didn't deserve to take another breath.

The older, wiser, stronger Lindsay sat up in the bathtub so suddenly that water splashed over the side and created a bubbly wave in the water. As much as she could blame herself for not seeing the warning signs in Shea, she had to remember that she had not pushed the younger woman to this. Shea was capable of making her own decisions, and Lindsay, while possibly at fault for not paying more attention, was not guilty of failure. It didn't ease the sting very much, but it did get her mind back working in the way it was supposed to. A young version of herself had found a strength to say no to it, had for some reason been spared yet again, even from herself. Shea had not been so fortunate. She had not been given the same resources, right from the start of her life, and she was programmed differently in the processing of her grief and terror and shame. There wasn't guilt for either one of them. They had both fought. Fighting was victory, whether a battle was won or not.

There was a timid knock on the door and a small little voice, bringing her back into the real world.

"Mama? I dress," Avery announced proudly. "My hair?"

"Go eat breakfast and I'll do your hair when you're done."

"Mama?" she repeated, rubbing her hand against the door. "I want."

"You want me, sweetie?"

"Yes mama."

"Okay. I'll be right out."

"I count! One, eight, five, e, f, g, cinco, apples, ten! Out where you are mama!"

Lindsay laughed and leaned down to drain the tub.

"Honey, I'm not hiding."

"Oh. Mama out please?"

"Alright, alright," Lindsay sighed, stepping out of the tub and wrapping herself in the bathrobe that hung on the back of the door.

"Oh hello mama!" Avery greeted, as if they hadn't seen each other that morning. "I dress. See? It beau'ful."

"You are quite the fashionista, missy. I never would have thought to put in on you backwards."

"I dress self. I big girl," she said, shaking her hips so the skirt fanned out around her. "Mama go bye?"

"Just for a little while this morning honey. I'll be home by lunchtime and then we can take a nice long nap together, okay?"

Avery's bottom lip came out so far it was almost impossible, and her big blue eyes filled with tears while her chin met her chest.

"Mama no. Stay with Avery! Please!"

The last word came out on a sad sob and Lindsay crouched down, taking the little girl into her arms and hugging her as tightly as she could.

"I want to stay with you honey. I promise I do. But I just need to go and do a few things, and then I'll be home. And I won't work tomorrow or the next day at all. The boys will be in school tomorrow and it will just be mama and Avery. How's that?"

"Mama put on pretty?" she asked after a moment, wanting to watch Lindsay put her make up on.

"I need to get dressed and do my hair first. Go downstairs and have breakfast honey. I'll come get you in a little while."

"Love mama so," Avery whispered, squeezing her around the neck. "Come home."

"I'll always come home baby. Always."

Avery smiled and let go, reaching up to brush Lindsay's hair away from her face.

"Happy mama. Be happy."

Lindsay just nodded. She wasn't looking forward to work, facing all that had happened last night and closing a chapter of this case. But looking into those big blue eyes that shone with so much love and innocence, she couldn't help but resolve that in a few hours it would be over. It would have to be. She had three little souls to nurture, and they were far more important than anything else.