Chapter 12. Only a monster.
I don't know which time of the day it is, or which day for that matter, but I don't care. I'm just lying on my bed, feeling as if some weight above me was keeping me from moving, or breathing, or doing anything except dwelling in my sorrow, feeling all the pain, the anger and the frustration that were awoken on me the day I almost died, and that, as much as I try, won't go away; they run too deep, so deep that they are a part of who I am, after all, they have been with me since the day I was born.
Yes, knowing that my mother didn't care about me was hard, but at least I wasn't alone, I had my brother and father. However, when I realized father didn't love me… that's when all those nasty feelings really started to develop in me. Having Jack at my side helped me control them, of course, mostly the anger, which was the most destructive emotion, but when he died… when I killed him, it was like a locked door was opened, and all the negative feelings I was trying to conceal, came out at once.
Well, that's exactly what's happening right now.
I was doing a great job keeping my feelings at bay when Anna came. After the death of my brother, I had to lock in all my emotions, good and bad, and Anna… she had the key to both. I don't know exactly why it was, perhaps the obvious attraction I felt for her, or maybe the fact that she was the only person who could somehow thaw my frozen heart due to her warm smile and charming attitude, but the fact is, she made me feel again. At first I didn't think much of it, I thought I still had the control, but when she betrayed me… when she hurt me by demonstrating she didn't care about me… I lost every ounce of control I had left. I lost myself.
It's exactly as nine years ago. Now I'm just a monster full of rage, fear, pain, and every other negative emotion to ever exist on the human race, and I know I won't ever be able to be human again; the road back is too hard, no one knows it better than me. After all, father locked me in a room for over a week before I was finally able to control myself.
I am running as fast as I can, not caring if my little feet are hurting because I'm not wearing shoes, or if my legs are begging me to stop, or if the cold air is hurting my throat. I only care about the mission I've imposed on myself: saving my brother.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, I reach my house, and get in screaming, crying for help. Many servants come and I tell them that my brother fell into the frozen lake. Some of them leave the house as fast as they can, as my nanny takes me to see my father. When we arrive to his study, however, he tells us to go away, without letting me explain anything. He says he is busy, and that, whatever I have to say, would have to wait.
Knowing arguing with my father is useless when he has things to do, I go to my room and sit on my bed, waiting for news of my brother. I'm scared. Oh so scared! I don't want him to die; he's my only friend, I could never live without him. The mere thought makes a few tears fall from my eyes, but I quickly wipe them. I have to think positive. I know he'll be saved.
A few hours pass, and I'm still in my room. I tried doing something, but I'm too nervous to even think coherently, so I'm just rocking back and forth. Suddenly, the door opens and I look up hoping to find my brother, or at least someone with news about his state, but it's my father… with an angered expression.
Before I can say a word, he grabs my wrist, so tight that it hurts, and drags me down the halls to his study. I try asking what's going on, but he doesn't even turn to look at me; he just keeps walking.
As we both enter his study, he practically throws me to a chair and stands in front of me, glaring at me with so much anger and hate that I genuinely fear for my life. I don't understand what did I do, but I know I'm in trouble and that the punishment won't be nice.
"Why did you kill him, Elsa?" He yells and I shrink in fear.
"K-kill?" I ask, trembling. "I-I didn't kill anyone."
Suddenly, I hear a loud hit and, a second latter, register the pain on my cheek and taste a metallic substance on my mouth. Blood. He hit me. He's never hit me before. I honestly wasn't expecting this, and so I rub the sore area soothingly as I try to control my tears while staring at my father in shock.
"Don't lie to me!" He exclaims. "Jack is dead and you were the last person he was seen with."
"D-dead?" I ask, and suddenly the physical pain is nothing compared with the one on my heart. This time I can't keep my tears in and I start crying and whining uncontrollably, feeling such sorrow that no one could ever possibly describe it with words. It is as if someone had turned off the lights, leaving only darkness. It's so terrifying, so horrible, that I feel hopeless. I know my father has been yelling at me as I cry, but honestly I don't care. All I care about is that the only person I've ever loved, is now gone, and I'll never be able to see him again. We'll never get to laugh together again, to play, to build another snowman, to go ice-skating again, he won't help me with my homework anymore, he won't comfort me when the kids laugh of me at school… we won't get to grow up together because now he's gone.
I barely register when my father slaps me again and again and again, telling me to calm down, or when he throws me to the floor and starts insulting me, saying that I'm a monster for killing his son. He thinks I did it because I wanted to be the heir, but the truth is, I didn't kill him. I'd never want him dead, but no matter how much I yell at him, trying to explain what happened, he won't listen.
I get desperate and charge towards him, kicking him, hitting him, trying to hurt him, even if I have to bite him. What angers me the most is that he doesn't seem to care about Jack's death, but about how much time and money he'd spend raising an heir, now having to start anew with someone as inept as me. It doesn't matter to him that his son died, or that I am hurting so much that the sobs won't let me breathe. No, he only cares about how would this affect him. He's so selfish.
Despite my aggression and struggle, he somehow manages to grab my hair and drag me back to my room, where he throws me to the ground and briefly glares at me before locking the door.
Then, I barely hear his orders to one of the maids trough my rather loud whines.
"She'll be staying there until she stops crying. No food until she's calmed down, only water, understood?"
I don't care. If he's gonna starve me to death, then fine! I don't want to live without my brother.
I was inside my room for around two weeks, maybe a week and a half, I'm not sure; I didn't even go to the funeral. When about three days had passed the huger finally started bothering me, but it wasn't until the fifth day that it truly became unbearable and I actually started trying to bury my pain. It was difficult, but I'm quite proud to say that, at eight years, I learned quite quickly about self-control.
Of course I didn't completely locked my feelings until I came here, but after a few lessons my father gave me, I became an example of composure by practically ripping my heart out of my chest. But it took time, and it was hard. And painful. So no, I prefer to die rather than to experience it again.
Suddenly, someone clearing their throat interrupts the ever-present silence and brings me out of my thoughts. I look up to find the person I want to see the less now: Anna.
All that happened since the day I met her, and especially the last time I saw her, comes back as I stare into those teal eyes that I once believed to be beautiful, and now I just see as treacherous and dangerous.
What is she doing in my house? In my room? I want her out of here, so I glare at her and she takes a step back, but this doesn't satisfy me; I want her gone. I can't deal with her right now.
"You." I say, even if my throat is so sore that it hurts as if I had been eating burning iron. She swallows loudly.
"H-hi." She casts me a little smile that promptly disappear.
I don't answer. I literally can't answer; as I listen to my inner demons, I get more and more pissed off with her, to the point that, if I had the energy to get up, I'd probably be beating the shit out of her. This only confirms what I already suspected: I'm now a heartless monster
"Y-you haven't gone to school." She suddenly says nervously, and the apparent innocence of her voice annoys me to no end, because it has nothing to do with the person that Anna truly is, and it just serves to mask her nastiness.
"Congratulations, captain obvious." I say sarcastically, because right now talking is the only weapon I have to hurt her.
"Uhm… I… Gerda told me about what happened." She starts fidgeting, clearly trying to ignore the hostility on my voice. "And I want to say I'm sorry. I-I didn't know Jack was dead and that you'd try to commit suicide, and I didn't…"
"You didn't." I interrupt her. "Yes, that's the problem with you: you never do anything. It's never you fault, is it?" This instantly shuts her mouth. "You always think everything you do can be erased with a single apology." I make pause to remark my next word. "Idiot." I can see she's struggling to keep calm, which is a shame, I honestly wanted her to start hurting me as she always do, but anyways. I know she won't keep her composure much longer; it's who she is. "I don't believe you anymore, so go away."
She backs up until her back hits the wall and she winces. In other circumstances, in which I was just angry, I would've been glad to inflict such fear in her, but not now. My negative emotions are so strong, that not even revenge could make me happy, or at least calm down my resentment.
"Y-you… I-I… I brought your belongings." She suddenly says holding up my backpack. Oh, do that's the real reason why she came to see me, just to bring me my belongings? Of course she wasn't worried about me. If I didn't want her here before, now despise her presence even more.
"Go away. I don't care about the earthly things anymore. I will be leaving soon anyways." Can't she see all I want is to end my suffering? Does she even know why I tried to commit suicide?
"Y-you will… attempt it again? Suicide?" She asks.
"Of course, since last time it didn't work…" I sigh remembering how, after letting darkness take me, I woke up in a hospital bed after being "saved" by Gerda. If I liked that woman before, now I hater her; she's made me face life again, a life I don't want to have anymore. "As soon as Gerda stops interfering with my death, I know I will succeed. "
"P-please don't! Please… death is not the answer." She frantically says. In the past I would have believed her act, but not now; I know she's just saying what anyone else would say to someone who wants to end her life, because it's the socially acceptable thing to do.
"Curious. That's not what you said the other day." I pretend to be thinking even if I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. "Which were your words? Oh! Now I remember: 'I don't think that's a life worth living'."
"Yeah, but I thought you were just going to move to Norway!" She exclaims as her eyes have become wet with tears and her voice turns swallow. "I'd never want you dead. I couldn't live without you." I know I should be touched that she's in the edge of tears because of the mere thought of losing me, but I can't believe it is for the right reasons.
"Oh no, that'd be terrible." I say sarcastically. "Who would be your punching bag if I die? How inconsiderate of me!" My words make her close her eyes as she drops my backpack and clenches her teeth and fists while more tears come out. I take this opportunity to keep up with my verbal attack, maybe this way she'll finally leave me alone. "You are a hypocrite, you know that? You said you wanted to be my friend, but you'd never sacrifice anything for me, not even your social status, no matter if I was being humiliated or hurt. I don't know how I could ever think good of you. You. Are. Disgusting." She cries even harder and I press on, feeling no mercy for the girl that's made me suffer the most. "It hurts doesn't it?" I say. "Imagine going through that every day of your life. Now you understand why I have to die?" She looks up trying to say something, but the trembling keeps her from doing so. "Besides, if I die, I know you'd feel so guilty that you'd want to kill yourself just to stop the pain."
Or maybe you won't, since you're so cruel, stupid and heartless.
"H-how can you be so cruel?" She whines softly between sobs. "I just want to help."
A little too late for that, don't you think?
"But you always ruin everything. Why don't you go bother someone else with your presence?" I say instead.
"Elsa… please… I… I can help you." She insist, annoying me even more.
"Help me?" I raise an eyebrow. "How will you do that if you don't even know me? If you can't even help yourself? If you're such a fool?"
"B-but…" She sobs a little before she's able to speak again. "But I love you."
Wait what? L-love me? Love me like… like…?
Suddenly some of the clouds that are darkening my sight of the world, go away, and I can see a tiny ray of hope. I can feel a little spark of good again. But then it's gone.
"Love? What do you know about love?" I say, hurting myself as realize the truth that I'm telling, not only to her, but also for me. "Love is about wanting the other person to be happy even if you are not, and you… you do the exact opposite."
"T-that's not…" She weakly tries to defend herself.
"You are selfish and stupid, and I wish I never had to be in the same room… in the same planet as someone as despicable as you." I interrupt her.
Finally this works; a pained and broken expression appears on her face as I've never seen before, but unlike my past self, I don't care about her feelings and all I wish is for her to leave. She quickly does so, getting up and running away faster than one'd think it's humanly possible, and I can finally breathe, relieved that the calm returned and that I can keep dwelling on my misery and planning my death.
However, as the silence impose itself again in the room, I feel some kind of hole just where my heart used to be. It's almost like melancholy… for the redhead? I don't think so, that can't be, right? I mean, I know she won't ever come back after how bad I treated her, but… I don't miss her. I don't care about her. At all. Or at least, that's what I want to believe.
What's true, though, is that for the first time since my suicide attempt, I've felt something that's not ugly and destructive, but rather like a small candle fire in the middle of a snowstorm.