Chapter 13: A little spark of hope.
Damn that fucking redhead! Who does she think she is? Breaking into my life of solitude and depression like that. I just want to get lost in the void of my thoughts again, plan my death, revisit my painful past, berate myself… all what I've been doing these past days. But since she left about an eternity ago, there's something distracting me in the back of my mind, something really annoying that doesn't seem to go away as much as I try. And I know that Anna is responsible in some way. Oh, how much I hate her.
Oh, well, at least she's not returning now. Not after what you did.
In that very moment, as if the universe wanted to prove me wrong, the door opens and the devil itself comes through it; Anna.
I don't know how, but I gather enough strength to turn to glare at her and make her leave, even if that small irritating part of me wants her to stay.
She returned… She actually returned…
STOP! She's here because she wants revenge, so shut up! We need to make her leave as soon as possible.
"You again? I thought I had finally gotten rid of you." I say with even more hostility than when she came here first.
"S-sorry, not yet." She laughs nervously.
"What the fuck do I have to do to make you leave? Beat you, perhaps?" I spat out. I'd sure like to beat her right now… if I could. She swallows. Good, now she'll be leaving again, and this time she won't come back. I'm only safe when I'm alone.
"Look, I came in peace…" She starts, but I don't give her the opportunity to tell more lies that, at the end will only end up hurting me further.
"As if I were going to believe that."
"I want to help you. I'm sorry I ran out like that earlier, but I've returned and that's what matters. I was a coward for running away and I was a coward all this time. But not anymore, I promise." She casts me an apparent sincere remorseful gaze, but I know it's just fake.
True, you are a coward. You are not worth my time. Just go away!
But what if she actually…?
And you SHUT UP! She's here to hurt me. She's nothing good. She will never be.
"People can't change that quickly." I say instead.
"True, but they can try. And that's a start." She stubbornly insists. Oh how I hate that part about her. She's so damn persistent.
"Only if they have a good reason. And you don't."
I'm not worth saving and you know that. Why bother to even try?
"Seeing you in this state has opened my eyes." She walks towards my bed and kneels in front of me, searching for my gaze, but I avoid her. I can't bear to look at those deadly eyes. "This is not who you are Elsa, you are sweet and loving and… a-and the most amazing person I've ever known." For some strange reason, this words actually hurt me, like they were insults or something. Maybe they are. I bet she's just laughing of me.
"You don't know me. Deep inside I've always been a monster. I just used to hide it; all this anger, aggression, sad…" I cut myself off. She must not know I'm week; she'd only take advantage of that. As always. "But no more. I'm tired of hiding my true self."
Now, I'll only let it go. This is who I am, and you can't change it. No one can.
She seems shocked for a moment, like she doesn't believe that I'm actually admitting it, but there's no point on denying it. I've known it all my life, I just tried to conceal it and it hurt. Now that she's heard the truth she will probably leave, right?
"Y-you really think you are a monster?" She sobs as tears fall from her eyes. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting. And it annoys me to no end. It's like she actually cared about me or something, and I know it's fake.
You hate to be proven wrong, don't you? No matter what you do, she'll stay here. She actually wants to help…
STOP FUCKING TALKING! She may have stayed here, but that doesn't mean it's for a good reason.
"Stop crying." I order, but she doesn't obey, which makes me angry enough to actually act on it and sit up on the edge of the bed (something I haven't done since before my suicidal attempt), to look at her from above. "Stop pitying me!" I shout, and she actually seems scared of me. "I'm fine being a monster; it's better than being that pathetic excuse of human being I was. Always crying, always wishing for a better life. I can't cry anymore, and now I only want to die."
"Feelings aren't weakness." She keeps contradicting me. "Not even sadness or pain, and definitely not happiness and love. They make us human, they make us who we are. And without them, we are not even alive."
What do you know? You haven't shown any real feelings since I met you. All have been fake.
"Good." I spat. "I'm already dead inside. I don't want to be alive. "
"No." She whines as she shakes her head and takes my hand against my will and ignoring my struggle to free it from her grip. "I know you can still feel, you're just… you're afraid of it." Oh, so now I suppose you know what I feel better than I, right? How much more preposterous can you be? "And I don't blame you." At this, I meet her gaze, trying to figure out what exactly is she thinking. "Your life has been so unfair." She continues, taking my other hand. "Your brother died, your father blamed you, you ended up here, in a strange country with no one to fall back on, a-and your classmates bullied you without mercy." Well, thanks a lot for recounting my whole sad life. That truly made me feel better. "A-and when you t-thought you had finally found a friend… you discovered it was all fake." She looks down, obviously being incapable of holding my gaze when she's just trying to hurt me as always. I mean, why bother to mention her past actions if not? "I wasn't good enough for you and I'm sorry for any harm my stupidity and selfishness brought to you." Apology not accepted. "I-If I could take it all back or-or make it up for you somehow, I would, but I know there's nothing I could do or say to just erase my actions from our past." True, you've already hurt me too much, so why don't you just leave? "I'm not asking for forgiveness…" She continues, looking up into my eyes again. "Because I know I don't deserve it; I am here, now, asking you for yet one more chance to be in your life. As a friend, as an acquaintance, as a slave, as… as anything you want me to be… as long as you let me be here to help you."
Help me? You'd only make things worse. If you really want to help me, please hand me a sharp knife to end my life with.
No, we need help. We… we need her. She's ready to do anything for us, maybe we should listen?
No! I'm not falling for her tricks again. Don't believe her, it's just your feelings talking.
Feelings are not a bad thing. Not always. I think she's actually regretful, and this could be a good opportunity to…
No. No! We are not trusting her.
Yes.
No.
Ye…
N…
"Why are you doing this?" I whisper, more to myself than Anna, wondering if I should accept her help or not. "After I told you I'm a monster, after you've seen it yourself… Why still bother with me?" I look at her eyes, a tiny hope surging within me that maybe she actually thinks I'm worth saving, that I'm not a monster. Even if I don't believe it myself.
"Because I know you're not a monster." She squishes my hands trying to reassure me. "You're just hurt and scared, and in this moment not even you can see the good in yourself." Because there's no good left. "But I know it's there, and I'm going to help you be your old self again.
*Flashback*
"I'll help you being your old self again, Elsa." I hear his voice. "I'll help you being yourself."
Suddenly, I'm seated on a wooden chair, looking up at my father, who is smiling wickedly at me.
"You are in serious trouble, Elsa." He says angrily.
"B-but…" I stutter.
"Silence!" He screams making me flinch. "Don't argue, and tell me why did you beat that boy?" I just deviate my gaze, knowing that, no matter what I say, he'll still punish me. "Answer me!"
"H-he deserved it! He was saying I killed Jack and I-I…"
"Well, you did! You are a murderer and a monster!" I just close my eyes and retreat further into the chair.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"A simple apology is not enough. Nothing will ever be enough until you get rid of those useless feelings that just cloud your mind." I start sobbing, but he goes in. "Do you have any idea how much I had to pay to the parents and the school for their silence?! If the press knows about it…" He sighs closing his eyes and exasperatedly rubbing his temple with his fingers. "What am I going to do with you?
"I-I'm sorry." I say again, opening my eyes. "I never meant to cause you any trouble. I-I's just…" I swallow. "I'm still sad because of Jack's death and…"
"That's it!" He suddenly exclaims. "You were not such a bad daughter before. You just have to be your old self." He suddenly grabs my shoulders, making me recoil at the contact, but he doesn't seem to notice. "I'll help you be your old self again, Elsa. It will be hard, that's for sure, but I'm sure it'll work. How about I start… with this." He suddenly grabs a rope she had placed on top of his desktop before (I guess he'd already planned to punish me like this anyway) and wraps it around me, tying me to the chair. I'd protest… If I didn't know it's useless. Finally, after making sure I can't move, he speaks again." Now, I remember you've done a few drawings of you and Jack together. They are just keeping you from letting him go, and I'm not gonna tolerate it.
"W-What…?" I try to ask what is he going to do, but in that moment he takes my backpack and picks out my sketchbook, eying it with despise as he turns the pages full of drawings of my dead sibling.
"You are weak, Elsa, and I can't allow that. Today, I'll make you forget about Jack." He goes around his desktop and grabs a bottle of some kind of alcohol, as well as his lighter. I suddenly know what he's going to do.
"No!" I scream. "No, please, no! Don't do it." I beg.
"You left me no choice." He says with an almost regretful face. I know it's fake though. "I'm sorry." With that, he throws my sketchbook to the floor and wets it with alcohol before using the lighter to set it on fire. All this, while I beg him to stop, struggling against my bindings.
I am helplessly forced to watch as the flames consume every one of my drawings. Every memory I recreated with pencil, wanting to live it again, wanting to portray the moment in paper with absolute accuracy so I can't ever forget about those little moments of happiness I had with Jack… Every. Single. One. Of. Them. They are now just ashes. A year worth of work wiped out in a matter of seconds as if it was nothing.
I can't hold back my sobs or my tears. My heart hurts way too much.
My father seems to notice this because, softening his gaze and his tone, he says, as he holds my shoulders:
"It's for your own good. I'll help you be yourself again, I promise."
"N-no." I shake my head desperately. "No, I can't… I won't g-go through that again. I'd rather die!" I scream, utterly terrified. "Go away!" I mindlessly throw the person that's holding my shoulders off of me and, once there are no longer in my personal space, I can finally breathe, but I don't turn down the aggressiveness, fearing that they'll return and hurt me if I do. "N-no, not again. No… No more, please…" I beg, no longer being able to conceal the fear, since it's way too overwhelming. "No more." As I notice the strength leaving me, the terror paralyzing me, I know that I won't be able to fight, to defend myself, so I close my eyes and hang my head low, accepting defeat… accepting that my life will always be an endless path of suffering and despair.
What I wasn't expecting though, was a pair of strong arms suddenly holding me tightly, scaring the shit out of me. But I can't do anything. I'm trembling with fear, and my limbs feel so weak I can't even move a finger on my own, so I just resign to whatever this person hugging me wants to do with me. Fighting is useless.
After a few minutes pass with nothing happening (no damage being inflicted on me), a certain fog that was clouding my mind clears off, and I now remember the person who is with me is Anna, not my father, and I notice she's crying as she holds my body as if her life depended on it. It's weird. But at least it doesn't totally feel bad… actually it doesn't feel bad at all.
"Anna?" I ask softly.
"Y-yes?" She asks between sobs, not breaking the embrace.
"Why are you crying?" She stops a little her sobs at my words.
"I-I'm crying f-for you."
See what you did? You made her cry. You are a monster; you only bring suffering.
Well, she deserved it…
Did she?
"Then why are you still here?" I say, not having the will to hurt her further, and wanting her to leave already. I think she's already learned her lesson. She won't hurt me anymore but, if her desperate sobs are any indication, she isn't coming back either.
"I-I'm crying for you. N-not b-because of you." What is that supposed to mean? "I'm crying b-because it p-pains me to know you went t-through such t-terrible things, to know y-you a-are still s-suffering because of that, and to k-know some of that pain… I-I inflicted to you." She pauses and swallows. "I wished I c-could feel it for you, t-to spare you from it."
So you're pitying me?
No, she's feeling bad for us.
It's the same.
It's not.
"Why are you hugging me?" I ask.
"Because a warm hug can somewhat mend a broken heart." She whispers. "Two, sometimes. "
Your heart is also broken? Did I broke it as you broke mine? Can you really mend them both?
"Really?" As I ask this, I detect a tiny bit of hope expressing on my tone of voice. It's just a spark, but it's there anyways, and this time I don't immediately try to push it down. On the contrary, I lean towards it, searching for its light to guide me out of the dark prison that I'm currently in.
Anna nods.
It's all I need to press my head on my shoulder, searching for more comfort in the form of physical contact… and, despite what the dark thoughts on my head may say, it actually works. I don't feel so helpless anymore, so lonely. I feel like I may actually have a chance, if not of being happy again, at least of experiencing happiness one more time before I leave this world.