Chapter 16. Wrong but so right.
I wake up when I heard someone yelling. At first it's distant yelling, but then it becomes more intense and I can't continue sleeping anymore. It's a shame because I'm pretty sure it was a good dream, though as soon as I open my eyes I can't remember it anymore.
The first thing I notice is the blinding sunlight and the heat. I'm not used to it, being from Norway, so I need to get rid of whatever is making me warm. I try to move to take off my sweater, but there's someone keeping me from moving. When I look down, shielding my eyes from the sun, I see it's Anna holding me tightly.
Suddenly, memories come back to me and I remember I fell asleep on a bench at the small garden inside the museum… after crying like crazy and saying horrible things that were clearly referring to my past. And Anna stood by my side all that time, trying to make me feel better about myself. She's very sweet. I even manage a smile as I see her still snoring lightly as she holds into my body.
The moment would have been perfect if not for the guy who was yelling. He suddenly appeared in my field of vision and started yelling again, this time louder. He's tall, blonde and muscular, dressed in sweatpants and a plain black t-shirt, and seems to be looking for someone apparently called "Sven". I don't know what he's doing here but I doubt he came to see the pieces at the museum. I wouldn't have minded him, however, if his yelling hadn't caused Anna to wake up.
Anna stirs and frowns, her eyes still closed, before leaning on me more, placing her head on the crook of my neck and nuzzling me. This makes goosebumps appear on my skin, but I didn't dare move, fearing I would wake her up. That's when the blonde man gets just in front of us and yells again, so loudly that Anna jumps and almost falls, except that I somehow manage to catch her. However, before she can completely wake up, the man approaches us and asks:
"Excuse me, have either of you seen my dog?" I'm about to tell him that dogs aren't allowed here and that he can go look for it somewhere else when Anna (who has a lot more consideration and social skills than the recently-rudely-awaken me) answers, still half-asleep.
"Dog? Uhmmm…" She blinks, trying to fully rid herself of sleep's gentle embrace. "Yeah… dog… found… over the…" Before she can finish the sentence, she closes her eyes and starts snoring again on my shoulder, which is really cute, but the rude man doesn't seem to enjoy the sight as much as I do.
"Where?!" He yells, desperately trying to reach Anna's shoulders (probably to shake her awake), but a glare from me makes him reconsider that course of action. It doesn't matter, though, since Anna is finally awake.
"Oh, right, dog!" She exclaims opening her eyes. "Uhm… there was a puppy over there." She signals the bushes where she found the animal a few… minutes ago? Hours ago? How long have we been asleep? "It was a… German shepherd." She smiles to him and he runs away to where the puppy was, not even thanking her first.
"How rude." I comment once he's out of earshot.
"Nah, he was just worried because of his puppy, I saw it in his eyes; he is nice deep inside.
"Very deep inside." I mumble, which makes her giggle. I see her laughing and suddenly I don't remember why I was grumpy, and I feel myself relax, smiling to her… until that blonde guy appears again, this time tightly hugging a muddy puppy that doesn't stop licking his face… an action that his owner reciprocates, making me cringe in disgust. That must be the most unhygienic thing I've ever seen.
"Thank you." He says to Anna, finally stopping his show of affection towards the animal. "Seriously, Sven is my best friend and I don't know what I would've done if I couldn't have find him."
"It was nothing." Anna says politely, but obviously as disgusted as I was at how he just licked his dog's face.
"I'm Kristoff." He offers his hand for Anna to take, but it's muddy and she obviously doesn't accept it. He seems to realize this and quickly tries to wipe it on his pants, only managing to make a mess, his hand still not being clean enough for anyone to hold.
"I'm Anna." She answers carefully placing her hands behind her legs, as if to subtly say she really doesn't want to touch him. I can't blame her; he smells like sweat and wet dog.
"Well… uhm… thanks again." He says awkwardly after such a blatant rejection and turns to leave. I sigh in relief at his departure, but he suddenly stops and turns around. "I work near here, at Pabbie's Auto shop if you ever… you know… need anything?" A hopeful smile forms on his face and I almost feel bad for him (almost being the key word), because I'm quite sure Anna's never going to visit him… maybe she'll visit his dog, but I seriously doubt she has any kind of interest in that guy.
"Thanks, I'll take that on count." Anna answers, chuckling when he blushes then turns to leave. He almost trips on his way out since he tried to walk away while watching Anna.
"He's kinda…" Anna lets the sentence hang there obviously trying not to sound mean, but I quickly provide her with some words.
"Smelly? Gross? Awkward?" She chuckles but still shakes her head.
"I was going to say rude." This answer actually surprises me; true, he didn't say as much as a say "thank you" when Anna told him where his dog was, but he did later. Anna said it herself; he was in a hurry! He was trying to find Sven, who's apparently his best friend, so… why to say rude out of the other many defects he has?
"Why?" I ask confused.
"Because you're here with me and he basically ignored you. I mean, he didn't even spare you a glance! That's incredibly impolite." I giggle because her interest in me is very cute, but seriously, at her side… who would ever see me? She's a goddess and I'm… "Elsa, stop right there." Anna's stern voice cuts my line of thought and I look at her, confused as to what was she referring to; I wasn't doing anything. "I know you're thinking you don't deserve even the smallest attention, but you do. It may seem like a small thing to you, something that can't even be taken as an offense, but…" She swallows and fixes her eyes intensely on mine, so I can't bring myself to look away. "Looking at someone… is acknowledging they exist, that they are human beings." The way she says this is so… intense that I literally feel that if she looks away I will disappear. I almost feel bad for not caring about if that Kristoff guy saw me or not, and about wanting to be invisible half of the time I'm on school… but with how close she's to me right now… every negative emotion just fades away, like it didn't matter; I'm not ignoring it, it's just being overwhelmed by the positive emotions she's transmitting to me.
"Thank you." I say smiling, a gesture that she reciprocates before taking my hands and getting us both up from the bench.
"Well, I think we've spent too much time in here and I still plan on having dinner with you. Come on!" She prompts me as she tugs my hand to drag me towards the exit. I happily follow her, almost beaming knowing I will spend the next few hours with this girl. I can't believe just a few hours ago I was feeling like shit and almost wanted to die.
When we arrive to the restaurant it's almost sunset, and not because it was far from the museum, but because we were asleep for too long. I don't regret it though; sleeping helped me improving my mood so now I feel fresh and relaxed.
The restaurant is very nice, but not too fancy, which I appreciate, because otherwise it would've reminded me of the boring dinners I used to have with my father and his business partners. I was always afraid of committing some mistake, because he'd get mad and punish me after we got home, so I had to be very conscious of every movement. This eventually made me stress to the point of almost having a panic attack. But whatever; as I said this restaurant isn't like the ones my father always took me to, so I'm good.
The waitress leads us to our seats and asks us if we want something to drink. Anna says she wants hot chocolate, but as I'm still feeling too hot because of the time we spent under the sun, I ask for a chocolate milkshake (Only after Anna assured me that she'd be paying because, after all, she invited me. I still feel like I'm taking advantage of her kindness though, so I promise myself I will order something cheap).
As we wait for our drinks to arrive, we decide on what we want to eat. Anna can't decide between ordering a sandwich or pancakes with Nutella… or the big chocolate cake, or the Oreo cheesecake, or every other thing with chocolate. Despite my insistences that those are not real meals but mere desserts with like zero nutritional value. At the end she decides to order one huge sandwich filled with bacon, cheese, jam, lettuce and a lot more things, and a big chocolate cake as dessert (Seriously, how can she eat that much?), while I just order chicken with salad. The waitress says she'd bring us our orders as soon as possible.
Now, there's only the two of us in complete silence and I don't know what to say.
Anna's the first to break the silence.
"So…"She starts.
"So?" I say.
"So… you… uhm…" She bites her lower lip and looks around. "Uh… this is a nice restaurant."
"It is." I agree, not knowing how else to respond. She just nods and continues thinking about what to say next. I wish I could start talking, but I'm just not very good at it.
Suddenly, she laughs nervously.
"What?" I ask confused, but smiling.
"Nothing." She shrugs. "I was just thinking this kinda seems like a date."
"A-a… a date?" I can't help it when my voice sounds panicked and I start sweating cold. It's not like I wouldn't want to be on a date with Anna, but… I've never been in a date before, with a girl, no less! A girl that I like way too much.
You should be on a date with a man, the son of a successful businessman, someone your father would approve. Not her.
But I could never like a man. I love Anna!
But it's wrong and you know it! Besides, it's not even a date; she could never reciprocate your unnatural feelings. It may seem like she does but it's not true, forget it!
"I was just kidding!" Anna suddenly screams frantically, startling the people on the table next to ours. She blushes and continues in a more normal tone. "I mean… it's not a date, come on, that's just…" She chuckles a little to show how absurd the mere thought was, but then her expression turns sad and her laughter dies. "… Yeah." She finishes awkwardly lowering her head. I may not be an expert reading people but… that display actually tells me pretty clearly that she is lying; she wasn't kidding, she wants this to be a date. But she was too nervous to admit it right away and the way I responded to it didn't exactly help her.
You're not reading her right. If she says she's kidding, then she is. Why would she share your monstrous feelings?
She did say she loves me earlier. Actually, she said it to you, if I recall correctly… or was it to us? The point is, I think I may have a chance with her.
Before I can decide the best course of action, however, Anna changes the subject.
"You know? I actually took you out to dinner because I wanted to talk to you in a nicer settling than usual. I was hoping that way you'd… I don't know… be more open?" I'm about to protest that I've been quite open, but I guess she is right, since I rarely speak when we are together, letting her make all the conversation.
"Well, I guess it's a good strategy." I admit, after all, I would feel bad not talking to her after she went to so much trouble to bring me here. "What would you like to talk about?"
"I don't know." She shrugs. "Whatever you want. I just want to know you better, as in, know what you like, what you don't, which movie is your favorite, if you prefer dark or milk chocolate… you know, the usual stuff you learn about someone before helping them overcome an emotional crisis." She chuckles and I can't help giggling a little too; our relationship has been anything but normal since the very beginning.
"You're right." I agree. "Okay, let's see." I think for a moment what I'm going to say. "I like drawing, usually buildings because I want to become an architect, but I can also draw people."
But as much as I like it, I've only made one drawing since I was nine.
"You're very good at it!" She exclaims, which surprises me. Surely she hasn't seen any of my drawings, right? "The other day I saw a drawing you made of me, and it was very well detailed."
"Y-you saw it?" I blush averting my gaze, but smiling at her compliments.
"Yeah, it was totally an accident, but I'm glad I did. You'll be a great architect."
"I won't." I answer sadly.
"W-why not?" She seems taken aback by me answer.
"Because…" I sigh, not wanting to tell her more of my problems and ruin the mood, but I guess she'd want an honest answer. "Father." It's not a lie, but short enough so I can avoid losing myself in sad memories. I hope it suffices her.
"Oh." It's her only response. "I see, well…" Please don't ask more. "I still think you have amazing skills." I internally sigh in relief when she doesn't pry for answers. "Maybe one day you could make me a drawing of you?"
"Of me?" I ask in disbelief. Truly, I've never tried to draw myself, not without being with someone, and I'm not sure it would turn out well. "Uh… what about I make a drawing of us instead?" I counter.
"Sounds good to me." She says beaming, and I smile. Just when I'm about to say something else, however, our meal arrives and we start eating.
Anna practically stuffs her mouth with that enormous sandwich of hers, so talking is out of question if she doesn't want to choke, but she still looks at me as if prompting me to talk (I almost laugh at how funny and cute she looks with her puffed cheeks), since I am calmly and composedly cutting my chicken. I roll my eyes and start talking. It feels weird at first since I'm not used to be the one leading the conversation, but then it starts to feel quite nice. It's like someone is finally showing interest in me, in who I am, and not only on my problems and tragic past, but also on the good stuff, the small mundane things I enjoy.
After a while I'm afraid that I bored her, but when I pause to see if she's still paying attention, I find her smiling at me affectionately, having already finished her sandwich and leaning into the table to listen more closely. She then asks me some questions that I gladly answer. After a few minutes, when I finish my chicken breast, she gets up from her side of the booth and sits on my side of the table, placing the chocolate cake between us. I shot her a questioning gaze and she only smiles wider.
"I think you've earned half of my cake." She says. "After all, you answered all of my questions and talked for over an hour almost uninterrupted."
"I didn't do it to win a prize. "
"Oh? So then can I have it all for myself?" She says teasingly as she cuts a forkful and places it right under my nose, where the amazing smell is so clear I just want to devour it on one single bite. But before I can, she takes it into her mouth, humming in delight and closing her eyes as she savors it.
That's playing dirty. I just told her I can resist chocolate in any of its delicious forms!
"Okay, I do want my prize." I say extending my hand so she passes me the untouched fork that's beside her. She smiles in triumph and she reaches for the fork, but since it was at the edge of the table, as soon as Anna touches it, it falls to the ground.—Well, I guess I can ask the waitress for another. "I say, even if I want to have it now. I'm addicted to chocolate, I know."
"Yes, we could do that." Anna states nonchalantly before her expression turns into a mischievous one that actually makes me gulp. "Or, we could just…" She pauses, cutting another piece with her fork and then approaching it to my face. "Share." My face turns bright read as I stare at the chocolaty threat placed in the fork Anna has already used and being given to me by said girl. Anna's half-lidded eyes aren't helping either. I'm not an expert when it comes to human relationships, but I'm pretty sure normal friends don't do this.
When the tip of the fork presses lightly into my lips, I know I will faint any moment because of the sheer amount of blood that's rushing to my face, and I give her a pleading look so she will stop with this amazing torture. Anna, however, presses the fork harder, prompting me to take it in, and I don't have enough will power to resist.
I give her a timid look as I take the piece of cutlery in my mouth, taking the small amount of cake with my lips before she extracts the fork from my mouth, smiling triumphantly. She then proceeds to cut a piece for herself and, once she's eaten it, another one for me. We continue like this until the cake is gone, me blushing all the time and Anna smiling mischievously. I swear that girl enjoys seeing me all flustered and embarrassed… but I can't complain; I actually enjoyed it a lot too, not only because the cake was delicious, but because there's something about being mouth-fed by someone. It makes you feel connected to that person in an intimate way that's very different from anything you've experienced before.
Once the dinner was over, we take a bus to my house and, when we arrive to the bus stop, we descend and start walking the few blocks that separate it from the place where I live. The silence is a comfortable silence, just listening to our footsteps and enjoying the fresh, crisp night air. Then, too soon for my liking, we arrive to my house and it's time to say goodbye and end this wonderful date. Day. This wonderful day with her. Not date, definitely not a date.
I turn to look at her when we get to the door, and she gives me a tiny smile.
"I guess it's time for me to go home." She says.
"Yeah…" I sigh. I don't want this to end just yet, but it's getting late and I wouldn't want her to get in some kind of trouble. "I-I really had a good time with you." I say in thanks.
"Yes, it was pretty amazing." She smiles wider and suddenly I feel like she's too close. Did she took a step forward or did I imagine it? "I'd never seen you more happy and relaxed. And the cake part was really good!" She giggles and I follow suit. "It really was what a first date should be." Her words are followed by death silence as we both process what she said. Her eyes widen and she blushes badly, but she doesn't try to deny her previous statement, she just looks at me shyly as if waiting for my reaction.
I like her, of course, I accepted that a long time ago. But having an impossible crush is one thing and seeing the possibility of it becoming something real suddenly lay out in the open… is scary. I want this to be a date. I want to date Anna, I want her to say that she's in love with me and to say I love her in return… but something is holding me back. The other Elsa is holding me back.
I'm having a fight with myself, trying to suppress her, because I think I deserve to be happy, even if she says I shouldn't be having these feelings… and even if I know she's right.
You shouldn't love her that way. It's wrong. It's horrible. It's monstrous. It's an abomination. It's immoral. You probably forced those feelings into her. She's probably telling you this out of pity. She doesn't love us! She's not a monster like we are!
I close my eyes as I'm overwhelmed by that voice that suddenly isn't my own voice at all. It sounds surprisingly similar to my father's. It sounds exactly like that time…
I walk into my father's study, the terror building. I'm shaking. I just want to run, to disappear… but I can't. I have to remain calm. Conceal, don't feel. If I show my fear it will be worse.
I clear my throat to make my presence known, but even if it was he who requested my presence, he doesn't seem to notice my arrival. I'm tempted to just confront him and get this over with… but at the same time I want time to stop so he will never look up from his paperwork and see me.
For better or worse, he looks up at me, as if finally realizing I'm here and gives me a cold stare. I swallow my fear and speak.
"You requested my presence? Father?" I'm almost proud of how calm and composed I sounded, but there's not time for rejoice as his face turns stern… sterner actually.
"Indeed." His voice is like venom, and I can literally feel my body being pierced by the daggers he's throwing me with his eyes. I swallow. "I received a rather interesting call earlier. From Mr. Fafnerson." I clench my hands to stop them from shaking; this is exactly about what I feared it would be. "Do you know what he told me?" He studies my expression as if calculating my reactions, trying to know how much this is affecting me. I can just try to control my shaking before answering.
"No, I don't." I lie.
"Really?" He raises an eyebrow. "He seemed so sure about what he said."
"I-I really don't know what you're talking about." I insist, but his penetrating gaze makes me look down, being unable to lie while I'm looking at his eyes.
"Lies!" He yells startling me as he gets up from his chair. I jump a little but stay still, not wanting to upset him more. "I always know when you are lying Elsa, and right now you are. I suggest you to tell me the truth before I get even angrier than I already am. Did you molest his daughter?!" I shrank at his outburst and actually take a step back, but that's all I let my emotions show.
"I didn't really molest her…" I try to explain, but he cuts me.
"He said today his daughter came home traumatized because a filthy dyke named Elsa told her she wanted to do naughty things with her!"
I close my eyes to prevent tears from falling. Today was a horrible day; I had been planning for quite some time to confess my feelings for Anrid, the beautiful daughter of Mr. Fafnerson, and everything had been so perfect! I even brought her flowers! And she… she rejected me. She called me names. She said that was disgusting and she and her friends made fun of me. I spent the rest of the day crying at the bathroom, and then I came home and my father requested to see me.
As I said, today was a horrible day, but I suspected the worst part was still about to come.
"I just told her I love her!" I scream, sick of being treated like shit. I can feel tears running down my cheeks, but I don't care as I stare defiantly to my father's eyes full of hatred.
My bravery, though, doesn't last long.
"You… what?!" The tone he uses… I've never hear it before. It's so full of disdain, as if I was the worst kind of trash and I was sitting on his most expensive chair. It's a tone that would make you think I had just admitted having killed someone and eaten the corpse.
I take a step back and then another and another until my back hits the wall. Then, I look one more time at his eyes so full of contained rage, before closing my eyes expecting the worse. I just hope that when he kills me, he makes it quick.
I don't resist when he takes my collar, pulls me towards him and then slams me against the wall, hitting my head. I just let out a faint squeak of pain as I'm too terrified to even make the smallest sound. I can feel his hot breath on my face, and I know he's too close. I still don't dare opening my eyes; I just shrink even more, trying to appear smaller and more vulnerable, as if hopping he'll take pity of my and let me go.
Of course, he doesn't.
"You love a woman?!" He yells, which makes me shake harder in fear. "You admit to have such… monstrous feelings?!" I shake my head in fear, but he continues regardless. "Listen well, Elsa: You are a woman, you are supposed to be attracted to a man; that's how things work in nature, that's how God ordered it to be. Everything else is nothing but an abomination. It's wrong. It's horrible. It's monstrous. It's immoral. It's an offense against society. Do you understand?" He pushes me against the wall, harder than before, and I frantically nod, but then he releases me and my legs give in, making me fall into the ground still trembling.
I finally dare opening my eyes and I see him taking the phone and calling someone.
"Yes." He says in English using a formal tone. "Kai, it's Adgar. It's been a long time." He pauses, apparently listening to the other person, but getting exasperated really quickly. "Look, I didn't call to catch up; I need a favor." He pauses again. "It's about my daughter, Elsa. I will send her to the USA, and I was wondering if you could take her into your house. I'd pay, of course."
I freeze at his words and suddenly I'm unable to process the rest of the conversation. He's sending me far away, to the other end of the world, to live with a complete stranger. He's abandoning me. He's getting rid of me. He can't stand having a daughter who is not "normal". I failed him and he's leaving me to my fate.
When my father finally hangs up, I'm curled up in the floor crying uncontrollably. I want to rip my heart out to stop the pain. My father is sending me away. He doesn't want to see me anymore. He doesn't…
Suddenly all my thoughts are interrupted as I feel intense pain on my head. It takes me a few seconds to realize that my father is pulling my hair in order to get me up. I can barely stand on my shaky legs, but I somehow manage to do it under the threatening gaze of my father and his harsh voice.
"Listen to me, this is what you're going to do: You will wipe those tears, go to your room, pack three changes of clothes, no more, no less, get into the car and stay quiet as the driver takes you to my personal jet. Then you'll get in there, go to the USA, search for Kai and Gerda and live with them. Your new life is a punishment to your crime, is that clear?" I nod. "Good. And by the time I decide you've earned your ticket back, if I actually decide you deserve to return, I want you to be a respectable daughter, understood? No feelings, no crying, and certainly no homosexuality. If I ever hear that you as much as looked a girl in less than appropriate ways, I swear to god that you will regret it. Your punishment will be much worse than this." I nod again and, when he releases me, I almost sigh in relief. Almost, because I know the next few years of my life will probably be the worst, and that's saying something.
When I open my eyes and come back from the flashback, I notice not more than a few seconds have passed, but I'm sweating profusely and shaking, and Anna is leaning in as if to kiss me. I automatically turn my head to the side so her lips land on my cheek. I feel horrible about it, but I can't just indulge into my naughty urges after promising my father that I wouldn't; he's already proven he can do me a lot of wrong, and I don't want to see what'd happen if he knew about me breaking my promise.
"I'm sorry." I choke out as I close my eyes to avoid looking at Anna's probably hurt expression. At the same time, tears fall from my eyes. "I-I can't… it's… w-wrong." Those words, when they come from my mouth, hurt me more than when my father said them. It's like denying an important part of myself. It's like I'm hurting myself, like I hate myself. Even the other Elsa doesn't like this. Saying it out loud is not the same as saying it on my head; it's ten times more painful.
"Wrong?" Anna's voice is sad and confused. "How? Don't you love me?" I'm tempted to lie, but I know I can't just blatantly deny my feelings for her without consequence, so instead I try to explain to her why this can't be.
"Anna, of course I love you." As I say it, I open my eyes and stare right at her, so she can see how serous I am about it. "But…" I sigh. "We're both girls. This isn't natural." A new torrent of tears escapes from my eyes and now I'm sobbing quietly. The pain is just too real.
"Not natural?" She exclaims. "How can you say it is not natural? It sure feels natural to me!" She says. "You can't say it's wrong just because we're both women! It's still love." She pauses as she takes my arms. "You know what is wrong and unnatural? To force yourself to be with a man, just because that's what society expects from you, when you really are in love with a girl, but you're too scared to admit it and you end up hurting her instead." I look at her through teary eyes, surprised by her confession. So she never loved Hans? Did she always feel attracted to me? "True love is never wrong." She continues after she wipes some tears that had also started falling down her cheeks. "It doesn't matter if it's between a man and a woman, or two women or two men; if it's love, it can't be wrong."
"I-I don't know Anna…" The other Elsa tries to protest, but I can feel her hesitation. I can see that she's as sick as I am of denying herself happiness just because of what father, who never really cared about our wellbeing, said a long time ago. However, she still needs a little push, one that Anna gladly gives to her.
Suddenly, I feel a pair of soft lips gently being pressed over mine, taking me by surprise, but despite everything, despite all the doubts I still had, my body responds, automatically closing my eyes to savor better this moment.
The first thing I notice is that there's a wave of electricity emanating from where her lips are in contact with mine and expanding throughout the rest of my being, sending pleasurable shudders that are so overwhelming that I have to lay my back on the door to avoid crumbling to the ground. Then, I notice the warmth; that sense of being safe, of being home, of being loved, that makes happy tears appear on my eyes while every thought that's not about the girl kissing me simply disappears as they're not important anymore.
It's a wonderful feeling, but one that ends up too soon.
As Anna pulls back, a sense of loss and yearning appears on my heart, and all I want is to feel those pink lips on mine again.
"Did that feel wrong?" She asks looking at me as if daring me to say yes, threatening to wipe any doubt I may have with intense kissing treatment. But, as much as I'd enjoy that, I have to say the truth.
"No, no at all." I answer breathing heavily as I take her nape and crash our lips together one more time, because no, it didn't feel wrong, quite the opposite; nothing in my life has ever feel so right.