Chapter 17: Struggling with old fears.
Today I'm going back to school. Not that I really want to, of course, but I've missed far too many classes and, besides, I'm not going to leave Anna alone, not now that we're, you know… girlfriends? Wow, even in my head that sounds weird. Wonderful, but weird. I know from what she's told me, that being with Hans and the others when she doesn't want to is literal torture for her, but she's very afraid of being alone (and of what Hans would do if she leaves him) and she won't do something unless she feels she's safe. So that's when I come into play; I've decided I won't hide in my house anymore and step up for her… even if the sole thought of facing my bullies gives me chills.
I decided all this soon after my first date with Anna and yesterday I actually called her to inform her of my decision. Since then, I haven't been able to sleep and I've been worried and stressed all day, and it's not only because I fear my bullies, or the dispute about Anna that will undoubtedly happen. It's mostly because I'm afraid of two things that may be completely opposite; that Anna abandons me like the last time, denying we're girlfriends and crushing my heart, or that, well… she actually doesn't; that she embraces me as her girlfriend and tries to initiate something with me in public and then something bad happens. And honestly I'm not sure which one would be worse.
But well… there's nothing I can do about it right now, since Kai is already waiting for me to give me a ride to school. Actually Anna wanted to come early today so we could make our way to school together, but I refused, not only because I know Anna hates waking up early and coming here for me would make her get up even earlier than usual, but also because I don't want her to kiss me or something in front of Kai and Gerda, in case they're homophobic.
When I arrive to school, however, Anna's already waiting for me and waving happily, an action that I promptly reciprocate as I start (nervously) making my way towards her. Anna looks gorgeous today, even more than usual, since she's wearing her twin braids and dressed with wonderfully looking black skinny jeans that really adhere well to her toned legs, and a really nice pink jacket. She looks cute and sexy at the same time, so much so that a large part of me wants to just kiss her senselessly for the rest of the day… And another part of me doesn't.
"Hey Elsa." Anna says as I approach. However, before I can think on the best way to say hi to my new girlfriend (I don't think kissing her at the entrance of the school is a good idea, but I guess maybe Anna would want me to, and a simple 'hi' may be too awkward), Anna steps towards me and tries to kiss me. Suddenly, I'm not in control of my body anymore, it's just like that time that guy named Olaf tried to give me a 'warm hug'; I don't want to reject her, I don't want to hurt her feelings, I may even want to kiss her… but I don't. I just step back, feeling my heart beating rapidly, almost having a panic attack. It's like my body is afraid of her contact, of her closeness, but it's weird, since it had never happened before. Not with Anna.
I look back at her and she has a hurt expression. A very hurt expression, like I just broke her heart. I want to say anything, or to hug her or something, but I'm petrified and confused. My head is a mess.
"Uh… Is everything alright?" She asks.
"I-I…" I honestly don't know what to say, I mean, even I don't understand why I stepped back, and everything I tell her now may sound as an excuse. But I don't want her to be sad, I should at least apologize. "I'm sorry." I gulp, looking to the ground to avoid Anna's sad gaze. "I w-wanted to kiss you, really, I-it's just…" I pause and take a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts. Why didn't I kiss her? Was it because I don't want anyone seeing us in public? That sounds bad. I can't say that. "It's nothing." I say giving her a reassuring smile and hoping it doesn't look too fake. "Really, I'm just tired."
"Elsa… I know you're lying." She berates me and for a second I'm afraid she got even more upset with me (with good reason), but then she takes my hands as she continues to speak. "And I really don't think that's a good way to start the first day of our relationship. Come on, tell me." She insists, and she's being so gentle and understanding that everything I can think of right now is "I don't deserve such a wonderful girlfriend".
"I'm sorry." I sigh. I wish I could tell her the truth, but it'd probably make her angrier, and I'm not even sure what's really the truth, so instead, I tell her something that could be true, but probably isn't. "I think I'm still not used to have a girlfriend and the physical contact it implies… since I've been alone all my life." I feel bad for having to lie to her, especially after all she's done for me. It's just… I don't want to lose her, not now that we're finally together. As selfish as this may sound.
"That's okay, I understand." She assures me, before quickly kissing me on the lips, and I'm so relieved that she believed me that I don't even think on pulling back this time. Of course I don't kiss her back either, but that's because we really should go inside school now. As much as I'm enjoying the feeling of her lips over mine. "Come on, let's go." She says after also realizing this fact and pulling back. Then, she takes my hand and we start walking towards the entrance "So…" She starts. "Why the sudden change to your look?" She asks, referring to my new hairstyle.
"I woke up late. I didn't have time to braid it." I shrug. It's not that of a big deal, really. It just felt more fitting; I didn't want to wear my headband anymore because it makes me look childish, and after all I've been through, it just doesn't feel right, so I decided a tight bun would be better. It makes me look more mature after all. However, I'm not sure why but I can't make me tell her this, not here, not now. Maybe some other day, even if it feels bad to lie to my girlfriend for the second time today. And it's not even midday.
"Well, it looks good, though I still prefer your braid." She says and I give her a tiny smile without commenting anything. I'm not sure how to answer to that. Does she want me to wear a braid again?
We keep walking in silence (not as awkward as it could be, but still not quite comfortable) and, as we enter the school, we see Hans at the distance and my first instinct is to separate from Anna, because I know he'll be very, very mad if he sees her with me, but Anna stops me tightening her grip around my hand.
"We're together. He can't separate us." She says in an almost challenging tone, as if she wants him to see us.
"A-are you sure?" I ask nervously. "He'll be pissed when he sees us." I remind her.
"Good." She just answers with a low tone and a determined look, and I don't know if I should admire her for her bravery or roll my eyes at her innocence (I mean, does she really thinks she can just scare Hans away or something?).
Fortunately, he doesn't see us, and we're able to collect our belongings and part to our respective classes without incident. However, the rest of the day is hell. Well, not really, but in classes I don't really understand much, partially because I lost two weeks of classes, and partially because I can't stop thinking about Anna, and I don't mean only daydreaming, but also worrying about what will Hans do with her, what would happen if someone found out we're girlfriends, what my bullies will do with me when they see me again…
However, at the end I'm able to take some notes and ask the teachers for the opportunity to raise my grades; fortunately I have a justifier from Gerda and the hospital, so they'll let me deliver the homework I didn't do, and besides Anna has been apparently giving them homework as if I had done it. I really have to thank her latter for that.
Yeah, with a kiss.
I blush at my words as I walk to the cafeteria, where I told Anna I'd meet her on our free period, and decide to read a book I got from the library to pass the time until Anna arrives. Not too much time passes before I hear the most wonderful voice in the world.
"Elsa!" I look up to see the beautiful redhead coming towards me and smile at her… and then I see she's not alone. She brought friends apparently; two brunettes, one is Belle, the girl who always is reading something (much like myself), and the other one is very similar to Anna, not only physically, but she also has that mischievous glint in her eyes (Ruby was her name? No…but it definitely started with 'R'). I don't have anything against them, of course, but I still can't help feeling anxious. I'm not ready to talk to anyone who isn't Anna.
"Anna." I say trying to give her a smile, but I'm so nervous it probably looked like I have to go to the bathroom.
"Elsa?" Belle asks clearly surprised. "Is that really you? I thought you had left school."
"Yeah… uh… well…" I stammer wondering how I should answer to that. I don't really like lying, but I don't think I could calmly talk about what happened and I don't believe she wants to hear about my problems either. She has better things to worry about.
Fortunately, I don't have to decide.
"She was sick." Anna answers for me. "But I've been taking care of her and now she's better." Her friends nod in understanding and I internally sigh in relief.
"I thought you two didn't really get along?" Belle asks.
"Uh… It's kind of a long story." Anna answers clearly ashamed about what she's done. It always happens when someone brings up the subject, even if I always remember her it wasn't completely her fault. "Wait, do you know each other?" She asks.
"We're together in math class." Belle nods. "We had to make a project for last week, but when she didn't show up I made it on my own."
Oh, that's right! The project! Damn, now she probably hates me.
"Sorry." I apologize truly ashamed. "It wasn't my intention."
"You were sick." Anna says with a soothing voice as she places her hand on my shoulder. "I don't think Belle blames you for that."
"No, of course not. "The girl rushes to say." Maybe you could even talk to the teacher and see if she can count the project as if you had made it with me?
"That's very generous. But I don't think it'd be correct on my part." I answer actually feeling awkward for her spontaneous show of generosity. I mean, she doesn't even know me, and I left her to make the project on her own just because I was feeling sad. This offering can't be from the heart; she only said it because I'm Anna's friend now.
"Uhm… Okay." Belle says. Then an awkward silence settles on the table and remains this way until Anna decides to speak.
"Uh… anyways." She breaks the silence. "I actually wanted you to meet Elsa because well… she's my girlfriend now." I tense at her words. Did she really just said what I think she said? Is she crazy? What if one of them is homophobic? What if someone else heard her?
"Wow! Congratulations!" The other brunette (Rapunzel I think it is) says enthusiastically, and my racing heart diminishes considerably. My hands also stop sweating so much. "Though I must admit I wasn't expecting this."
Honestly? Me neither.
"I know." Anna sighs. "We have a rather complicated story, but we're together now, and that's what really matters."
"I thought you were with Hans?" Belle says more as a question than a statement.
"Yeah, Anna. I thought you were with me." Hans says, suddenly appearing behind Belle, and I wish I could blend with the chair, or become invisible. I mean, his face is so sinister! And no doubt he heard that Anna and I are girlfriends. I bet he wants to kill us both.
"You used me as your toy, but I was never your girlfriend." Anna boldly answers, making his expression turn even more murderous, if possible. I can't help but start trembling.
"You're my toy, indeed; my property. And I specifically told you to stay away from plagues like these." He answers gesturing to me and Anna's friends.
"These are my friends." She points to the brunettes. "And this is my girlfriend." Now she puts both of her hands in my shoulders, but I only tense further. "And each one of them is worth a thousand times more than you will ever be." I can see the anger and disgust growing inside him, festering and making him more dangerous. I wish Anna had just kept her mouth close. Not that I'm not glad she's finally confronting them, but… in this case it would've been wiser to just run and hide.
"Your girlfriend?" Snow interferes (yes, he came with all his brainless minions).—You're a lesbian?!" She screams, making all the people at the cafeteria turn to look at us
. I sink even further in my chair, because now many dozens of people know the secret I've been trying to hide ever since I got here. This is a real nightmare. Please, just kill me now.
"Calm down Snow." Meg intercedes. "Don't be overly dramatic. It's completely natural."
"Completely natural?!" Hans exclaims turning to look at Meg with barely contained anger. "You disgusting freak! You turned Anna into this!"
"Homosexuality is not a cult, you know?" Meg mocks him, and he's now so angry I can see he's about to explode. And I really don't want Anna to get hurt.
It's only the fear I feel for my girlfriend what makes me get up and speak, hoping this way, if Hans attempts something, it'd be against me.
"W-wait." I say, but my voice trembles from fear. I make a pause to calm down and gather my thoughts before speaking again. "Anna and I…" I sigh, already forming a plan on my head but knowing it'd hurt Anna if she doesn't get it's just a lie, so I turn to look at her for a moment and silently ask for forgiveness and understanding before turning again towards Hans. "We're not really girlfriends." It feels so wrong to say those words, to lie about the only thing I've ever been glad to say it's true, but I know it's necessary.
Silence soon fills our table, and I can feel all eyes pointed towards me. This makes me so nervous that, as much as I try to say something else, I just can't. I'm not very good talking with so many people at the same time.
"Explain yourself. And I swear if you're not telling me the truth, you'll regret it." Hans suddenly prompts, startling me and making me flinch. However, I tell myself that I have to be strong, for Anna, so I raise my barriers, not letting my feelings get out, so I can say what I have to say without the emotions getting on the way.
"Anna said that just to get rid of you, and I helped her because I actually love her; we're friends." This last part may be a lie, but everything else is truth, and surprisingly comes from my heart, even if I'm trying to suppress it. "And I will protect her from you if it's the last thing I do. I won't let you hurt her anymore, or use her. As long as I live, you won't get close to her. Ever again." Now I'm about to lose control. I don't even know what happened; it all occurred so soon. I feel rage and anger, suddenly remembering all they have done to me and Anna, and I just want to make them pay. "And you." I now turn to Snow and the others. "Don't you dare do anything bad to Anna. Thanks to you I have nothing to lose now, so I won't hesitate to do anything to protect her, am I clear?" I almost snarl, feeling satisfaction when I see their surprised and scared faces. I'm about to keep attacking them when Anna steps by my side and speaks.
"And if you ever touch Elsa, you'll have to deal with me too. I'm not being part of your disgusting practices ever again; hurting people is wrong, and there are not 'winners and losers'; we're all the same… until we abuse someone and we become monsters." I'm very proud of Anna, of how she just stepped up for me, but at the same time I feel fear. Because if she hadn't had spoken, I would've exploded in rage, I would have become a monster in front of her, in front of everyone, the same thing I've been trying to avoid by becoming the Ice Queen. I'm quite unstable right now, I can sense it. I can't control myself.
"Fine." Hans sneers. "Stay with your new friends if you so want to, but just know now that I don't believe your empty treats. I'll make you regret your words, and soon you'll be begging to be with me again." At this he turns around and Snow, Ariel, Cinderella and Aurora follow him, but Meg stays behind. Ariel notices and calls for her, but she only answers:
"It's pretty clear that a war just started, and we have to decide our side. I don't know you, but I choose Anna." Ariel just stares at her confused for a few seconds before realizing the others left her behind and quickly following their steps.
As soon as they're out of sight, I sigh and collapse on my chair. Rapunzel and Belle look at each other for a moment before deciding to also sit but in the opposite side of the table, as Anna sits at my side and Meg between her and Rapunzel. For a few tense seconds no one says anything, since we're all processing what just happened, but then Meg speaks.
"Okay, what the hell was that?" She asks me, and I can only fidget with my hands and swallow, trying to calm myself but failing, and figuring I should first speak to Anna, explain to her what I did and why, and then we can figure a plan of action to solve this situation.
"Well, I… uh…" I briefly look at Anna, who seems to be utterly confused and devastated, no doubt because of what I said. Great, when trying to protect her I end up hurting her. Still, it was the right thing to do. "I'd prefer to talk to Anna first, if you don't mind."
They all seem to understand, so I get up from the table and, after making sure Anna is following me, I exit the cafeteria and keep walking through the halls filled with students without saying a word; this is definitely a conversation that I'd prefer to have in private, especially since I have to explain to Anna my reasons for keeping our relationship secret. So I wait until we arrive to a deserted hall before stopping, making sure there really isn't anyone around, and turning to Anna, who seems to be quite anxious, probably imagining the worst.
"I'm sorry about that." I say regretfully. "I know my words hurt you, but I want you to understand that it was necessary."
"H-how…? Elsa, please, explain it to me, because I honestly don't understand what happened." Anna's voice is trembling slightly, which makes me realize I hurt her even more than I anticipated. "A-are we still… girlfriends?" She asks hesitantly as her eyes fill with tears, and my heart breaks knowing it's my fault she's about to cry.
"Of course!" I exclaim, placing my hand over her cheek and tenderly caressing her amazingly warm and smooth skin, hoping to comfort her. "I-I thought you'd figure that I only said that to placate Hans' rage. I love being with you, I love you!" I assure her with as much passion I can muster, to show her I'm not breaking up with her, to show her she has nothing to worry about. It seems to work, since a little grin appears on her lips.
"Good, because I'm not letting you go anytime soon." She answers as she gently places her left hand over my right one. I'm tempted to just let the subject slip for now and just kiss her and enjoy her company, but I know if I don't tell her, I will keep hurting her and lying to her, and I don't want that, so I reluctantly start speaking.
"But Anna… as much as I like being your girlfriend… we can't tell anyone about this.
"What? Why?!" She asks with an expression that shows utter confusion, as well as disappointment.
"Because…" I sigh and look to the side to avoid seeing her eyes; I have to remain firm about it, and Anna's sad gaze could convince me of anything. "Because most people won't understand. And they will hurt you." I explain. I know she's been sheltered from the world her entire life, so it's understandable she doesn't know about homophobia, but I do. I've experienced it myself, and I don't want her to go through that, not if I can protect her. "And I don't want you to get hurt… I don't want you to suffer like I did." I say, voicing my thoughts, but the problem with saying something out loud is that it makes it much more real. That's why I never talked to anyone about my father, about the real reason he sent me here, because even the smallest mention of what happened would make me cry just like I cried that day. Just like now.
"Elsa… w-what are you talking about?" Anna asks, obviously confused about my words.
"I-I…" I swallow, trying to speak, but the pain has taken my breath away, and a part of me is resisting to tell Anna about the last time I saw my father, afraid of reviving the pain of the past that I've been struggling to forget. But I know Anna deserves to know the truth; otherwise she won't understand, so I force myself to speak, even if pronouncing the words is as hard as walking through quicksand with iron shoes. "Father sent me here because…" My lower lip trembles as I try to contain the sobs, as I try to just say it without evoking the memory, but I fail and soon I'm seeing my father's disgusted gaze and feeling the fear and the despair. Still, I somehow find the strength within me to admit out loud what I've been so afraid to even admit on my head. "Because I'm gay." They are three words, only three common words, but oh, how much they hurt! How much struggle I had to went through to say them! But now that I have, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, or rather, that I don't have to carry it alone anymore.
And so I cry, and I don't know why I'm crying anymore, is it from the pain brought on by the memory? Is it because it shames me to appear so vulnerable in front of the one person I swore to protect at all costs? Or are those tears of relief for finally sharing my most well-kept and painful secret? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter, because I'm crying on Anna's shoulder, clutching tightly to her waist, letting her heal my wounds as she's done so many times before, and feeling somewhat happy that now I don't have to cry alone in my room trying not be heard by Kai and Gerda, as I did when I first arrived to this country.
"Elsa." I hear her whisper into my ear. "Calm down, please. Maybe your father hated you because of it, but… not everyone will." At her soothing words, I feel my trembling subsiding and my sobs getting quieter so I can hear her beautiful voice better. "For example, Meg is bisexual, so I don't think she'd judge us, Rapunzel is a good person who would never hate someone just because of who they choose to love; she even forgave me after I became a total bitch with her. And Belle… I don't really know her much, but she seems to be quite nice, and I don't think she'd hurt us either." She pauses. "We don't have to hide our love. Maybe Hans will get mad and try to hurt us, maybe some others will frown upon seeing us, but what we feel isn't wrong, and if they don't understand it, then they could go fuck themselves. Sorry for the language." She adds, but couldn't care less about her choose of words. Her voice is effectively calming me down; it's almost as if it took the pain away (not completely, of course, but still). "We have each other, we'll protect each other, and as long as we are together, nothing will harm us."
"You really think so?" I ask, desperate to stick to any little spark of hope that she can give me. I want to believe that, together, we'll be able to overcome this.
"I do." She doesn't hesitate when she answers.
"Then I'll trust you in this." I say as I separate slightly just so I can stare in her beautiful eyes, and at the same time, I wipe my tears. At least I know I'll try to trust her, but only time will say if this was a good decision. I still have some doubts, but I know I will do anything in my hands to protect her and she will also protect me. "Thank you, Anna."
"Anytime." She gives me that gentle smile of hers that always makes me feel a lot better, and for a moment, I truly believe that nothing can harm us… until I remember we now should come back to the cafeteria, where Anna's friends should be waiting for an explanation, and butterflies appear on my stomach.
"So… I guess you'll want to tell your friends the truth." I say anxiously.
"Of course, but you have nothing to worry about, really." She assures me.
"Okay." I sigh, trying to give her a tiny smile. However, I didn't expect her to suddenly lean in and kiss me on the lips. My first instinct is to push her away, but I remind myself that is just the part of me that wants to please father, and honestly, why should I please a man who's hated my guts ever since I was born? No, not anymore; I won't let him ruin my life again, not when things are finally getting better for me. Not when I have the most wonderful girl between my arms kissing me like she's been waiting to do it all day. So I kiss her back, feeling way better than I did just seconds ago.
Then, the kiss ends, leaving me yearning for more.
"Come on." Anna says taking my hand. "They're waiting for us."
And I follow her, still wary about what will her friends think, but feeling much more confident than before.
The way back is still silent, but more comfortable, even if it's still strange to me to walk with Anna holding my hand, claiming me as hers. I know some people must be staring, but Anna's touch is quite calming. When we arrive to our table, Rapunzel is animatedly talking with Meg while Belle is reading some book, but as they notice us, the three of them turn to see us.
"Great, you're here." Meg says sarcastically, and I notice her eying our joined hands with an unamused expression. It's almost as if she were angry at our show of affection, and for a moment I just want to hide under the table in fear… but Anna said she's bisexual, so she can't be homophobic, right? So then, why…? Wait, she also seems somewhat sad, can she be jealous? Maybe she likes Anna? Well, that'd make sense. It'd certainly explain how Anna knows about her sexuality.
"Yeah." Anna answers.
"So, did you work out… whatever you had to work out?" Rapunzel asks.
"Yes." Anna states proudly. "And I just want to tell you that, despite what Elsa said to Hans, we are girlfriends." At this, she turn to look at me with that tender gaze always succeeds to melt me, and to make me admit what I was so afraid to say. I can't deny my love for her anymore; it's not healthy, for anyone.
"Yes." I answer without doubt. "We are."