A/N: Took me forever... eh no one reads this anymore anyway. Two years and one day with this story and I never planned this much at all but it's the most faithful friend I've got most days and I wish everyone in the world loved it as much as I do, but I've learned that it's just fine for it to me be mine and no one else's.

"I'm sorry for doing this to you," Lindsay apologized, her voice tight as she handed three backpacks over to Jo. "I just need to get away. I need to go see him and… I just…"

"Sweetheart, I understand."

Lindsay sighed deeply and watched the kids beg Mac to take them outside. She didn't want to leave them on such short notice and she hated to take over Mac and Jo's weekend by sticking them with kid-duty, but she was slowly going insane without Adam. They were halfway through and he kept telling her it was all downhill from here, but she had no idea where she would draw her strength for the next two weeks from.

"Thanks for taking the kids."

"Not a problem. You and Adam need to see each other and the kids will do well with a change of pace. Everyone's going to feel better after this weekend okay?"

"Okay."

"Now say goodbye to the kids and go catch your plane."

Lindsay smiled, so grateful for the understanding that she would never really be able to say. Walking across the room she crouched down and hugged the kids tightly, assuring them that she would be home on Sunday night and they were going to have fun while she was gone. The boys didn't take much convincing, they loved hearing stories about when Mac was in the Marines and they enjoyed the grandmotherly side that Jo showed them. Avery was a little more skeptical about the whole matter. With Adam gone she'd become slightly more clingy than normal and while she wasn't insecure or having separation anxiety, she was certainly aware that not all was right at home.

"I won't be gone for very long sweetie. Just two sleeps."

"One, two? Avery two!"

"Yes you are. Are you going to be a good girl?"

"Yes mama."

"Are you going to be the boss of your potty?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to mess your diapers?"

"Yep!"

"Oh Avery."

"Mama go bye. Call on phone later?"

"I'll do my best. You be a good girl. I love you."

"Love you mama! Most."

She skipped off across the room and jumped into Mac's lap, snuggling herself against his chest.

"See, they're fine. Now get out of here. Go see your man."

"Thanks Jo. Really. I know this isn't-"

"Lindsay Ross, move it!"

"Okay okay!"

She bid them goodbye one more them, then escaped out to the car, feeling waves of guilt and relief battling for her attention. It didn't seem fair to leave the kids when they already missed Adam so much, but the last few days had drained her to the point where she couldn't function as a good mother right now. She was snapping at the kids for nothing, she was sad and she just needed some time away.

Adam didn't know she was coming, she wanted to wait until she was almost on the plane before she told him. She knew he had a class on Saturday mornings, but she figured she could find something to occupy her time for a few hours while he was gone.

Winding her way through the New York streets towards the airport, she turned the music up a little louder and no matter how lonely she was without Adam, she was embracing the solitude at the same time. It was nice to let things go for a while, not worry about the kids or the house or work or anything else. She could just think about seeing her husband and feeling better and having two days to just exist without anything to do.

Parking in the closest lot she could find, she made sure the car was locked and the carseats were in the trunk before she grabbed her suitcase and made her way into the airport. They'd decided that there wasn't enough time or money for Adam to come home every weekend, which was kind of a moot point now seeing as her ticket had cost an arm and a leg for being bought so close to the flight time. She didn't really care though, money didn't make a whole lot of difference in the grand scheme of things.

It took a long time to get through security and by the time she reached her gate, the flight was already boarding. The sun was setting out the window and she sighed happily, glad she was finally headed to where she needed to be. She grabbed her phone out and prayed she still had a few minutes before they would make her turn it off, then called Adam.

"Hey babe. What's up?"

"Not a lot. What are you doing?"

"Grabbing some dinner. What are you doing?"

"Sitting on a plane bound for DC. Want to pick me up in an hour or so?"

"What?"

"Do you need me to repeat that or are you just stunned?"

"Stunned. When did you decide this?"

"Last night. I gotta go, but I'll text you when we land at Dulles okay?"

"You sure know how to take a guys knees out."

"I'll see you in a little bit."

They hung up the phone and she chuckled to herself, feeling light and happy and impatient for this flight to take off.

"So… what was the straw that broke the camel's back?" Adam whispered gruffly, nuzzling her cheek.

"There were a lot of straws," she answered softly, running her fingers over his arm.

"Like?"

"I was having nightmares. I didn't sleep for two nights. Austin and I got in a fight. Work sucked. I just missed you a lot."

"I missed you too. I'm glad you're here, this is the best surprise you've ever given me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Well, it ranks pretty high up there, that's for sure."

She chuckled and pulled his arm tighter around her waist, her mind barely caught up to the fact that she was finally here with him.

"You and Austin had a fight?"

"It wasn't a big deal. We're fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It wouldn't have been a fight if I wasn't so… well anyway, it's over now."

"That's good."

They didn't say anything for a while, just lay there together breathing and thinking. He hadn't been enjoying his time away from the family at all, even if the quiet was a change. He had started to miss the noise of three happy, crazy kids, the constant thrum of the dishwasher or washing machine, the familiar creak of the wood floors, the constant tocking of the grandfather clock and the comforting, gentle sounds of his wife sleeping next to him. There was no replacement for those simple things.

"I would rather be home than anywhere else," he said finally with a deep sigh. "You and the kids, I don't know why anyone would ever want anything different."

"Well we don't want anybody but you so that shakes out pretty well."

He chuckled and she rolled over to face him, running her hand over his face and stretching up to kiss him.

"I've really just missed looking at you."

"Oh really?"

"Mm-hmm. I like your face."

"Babe, you're so weird."

"This morning Ben was telling me how he's planning to introduce himself when he gets to kindergarten."

"Really?"

"Yeah. First he said "Mama, I am a planner just like you is." I asked him what he meant and he said that he's had his first day of kindergarten planned forever."

"So how's he going to introduce himself?"

"My name's Ben and I'm five! I kinda got chubby cheeks but don't let that make you think I'm a baby! I wear real underpants!"

"No."

"Yes. Then he told me that first impressions are worth their weight in gold."

"Where does he come up with this stuff?"

"I have no idea. He seriously cracks me up."

"Such a strange kid."

"And Avery. That child is so goofy. She's started yelling everything she says in this deep voice with that accent she has. I can't even imitate it but she seriously yells for everything. Not even exciting things, just normal sentences like "I'm wearin' purple!" She just so intense sometimes. One second she's fine, the next she's screaming."

"She's you."

"I'm ignoring that."

"Are Ben and Avery having trouble getting along? The other day you said they'd been at each other's throats."

"They got a little better but when they fight it might as well be the end of the world."

"How's Colton?"

She sighed deeply and dropped her eyes down a little, trying to temper the truth, but unable to keep it from him.

"He misses you a lot. He doesn't keep it all inside though, he talks to me about it all the time. It's making me realize how much he understands about life and how smart and observant he is."

"How do you mean?"

"He comes and talks to me every night before he goes to sleep. The other night he came and got in bed with me and started crying so much he couldn't talk. When I finally calmed him down he said that he was scared that I was going to get sad again like I did that time and you weren't going to be there to make it better so maybe I would be sad forever. And he kept telling me all these things he was going to do to make me happy and I just sat there with my heart breaking because that kid takes on so much and I don't know how to tell him he doesn't have to worry about it without acting like I'm ignoring the problem. This morning when I told them I was coming to see you he got so excited and he told me that I was finally going to have shiny eyes again. I wish he could always be happy like that."

"I think we got a very compassionate child and we need to figure out a way to nurture that and teach him how to let go too."

"I think he got those traits double time from both of us."

"I think you're right."

They sighed together and he reached up to brush her hair out of her face, glancing deep into her eyes and hoping that he could convey the question without asking.

"I'm okay Adam. I promise."

"Okay. But you would tell me if you weren't?"

"I would tell you. I'm not going to go through all that again and I'm not going to put you through it either."

"I know. Now come here, I still miss you."

This store was probably no bigger than her living room, but it was stacked floor to ceiling with books and she could very easily get lost in it. She absentmindedly read titles on the old and faded spines while holding the phone to her ear and trying to keep track of the time as well.

"Austin I'm sorry I yelled, I just didn't want to hear it right then."

"I know and maybe I should have waited a while, but when it's about the kids I just feel like I have to say something right now."

"I know. And I would do the same thing. I know Avery's not as disciplined as the boys were at her age. I know it's my fault. But I don't know what to do."

"Lin, I didn't say all that to make you feel guilty. I really didn't. I just worry about her sometimes. It's not like she's running the family or she's some evil kid, but she doesn't respond to no very well. And by that I mean she completely ignores it."

"She doesn't ignore it all the time Austin. She's just trying to push her boundaries right now."

"Okay, I get that. But think about what the boys were doing at her age. They cleaned up their toys, they asked to be excused from the table, they were potty-trained, they always listened when they were told to do something. They pushed their boundaries but they weren't this combative about it."

"I know I suck as a mom, okay? But Avery's a different kid. I can't expect that she responds the same way to discipline as the boys did. I can't expect her to do everything at the same rate they did."

"I'm not saying you should. I just don't want you to give up and let her do whatever she wants."

"I don't let my kids do whatever they want, Austin. She minds pretty well at home, maybe she's just testing you. You're allowed to discipline her too you know."

"Lindsay-"

"I know you don't like to but that's part of taking care of the kids and if you can't do that then I guess they don't need to be over there anymore."

"How did this turn into you taking the kids away from me?"

"Look Austin, you act like it's too much for you to handle, that there's something terribly wrong with my kid, I can't imagine why you would want them around if you really feel that way."

"That's not fair! I just want what's best for them because I love them. I feel like you're in over your head with Adam gone and I want to help you. I don't want to fight with you and I don't want you to keep the kids from me."

"Well then what do you want Austin? You tell me that Avery is wild and she doesn't listen but what do you want me to do when I'm not there? You say you want the kids but you don't want to punish them when they need it so they walk all over you. What am I supposed to do about that? I can't change your relationship with them one way or another."

"You know what? Forget it. Obviously you don't want to discuss this like adults, you want to get your way by taking the kids from me and I guess I have no argument here."

"Okay, whatever."

They both hung up in frustration and Lindsay stalked out of the store without buying anything, her arms crossed over her chest. There was truth to what Austin was saying but it felt like an attack on Avery and an attack on her parenting and she just wasn't quite ready to listen to it, no matter how well intentioned it was. At the moment she was fighting the urge to call back and really lay into Austin for things her kids had done in the past, but she knew that was petty and the only people really getting slighted then would be the kids. She tried to put herself in Austin's shoes but that didn't help either, it just made her more upset at the whole situation. It would probably be better if they didn't talk for a little while.

She glanced at her watch and settled into the bench. It would be a few minutes before Adam would join her and she needed to be in a better mood before he showed up or this whole weekend could turn bad really fast. She picked up her phone again and called Jo, even though she'd just called to check on the kids a few hours ago.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be spending time with your husband?"

"Yes, but he's not quite done with his class for today. How are the kids?"

"They're good. Mac took the boys with him to run some errands and Avery's helping me weed the garden."

"Is she behaving?"

"Yeah, of course. She loves shaking the dirt off the roots."

"I bet she does. But she's listening and being polite and everything?"

"Yeah, she is. Why?"

"No reason. Can I talk to her?"

"Sure. Avery, wipe your hands off on your shirt and you can talk to mama."

There was a squeal in the background before Avery grabbed the phone, her hands probably grubby all over it.

"Hi mama!"

"Hi baby. What are you doing?"

"Pull the weeds with Jo-Jo. Weeds bad. They kill pretty flowers. Find a worm!"

"You found a worm? What did you do with it?"

"Put in dirt! It pink mama!"

"Oh wow. Are you having fun?"

"Yes, most fun. Mama and daddy home soon?"

"I'll be home tomorrow night. Are you using the potty like a big girl?"

"No mama. I diaper. Potty is loud. Scary."

"Okay, I gotcha. But I want you to try anyway, alright?"

"Okay mama. Avery try for you. Uh-oh, 'nother weed! Gotta shake it!"

"Alright sweetie. You have fun and be a good girl."

"I do, mama. Bye!"

They hung up the phone and Lindsay smiled to herself, wanting to be in two places at once.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted as he approached. She grinned at the sight of him in slacks and a button up shirt, so different from his normal jeans and t-shirt. She'd teased him this morning about a tweed jacket and even if she'd acted like it would have been totally unattractive, the mental image was definitely one of her favorites.

"Hey. How was your class?"

"It was good. I cut it short though. The AC went out in the building so there was no point in staying if we were going to melt."

"Always a good course of action," she agreed as he leaned down to kiss her.

"What have you been up to?"

"Nothing worth mentioning. I just got off the phone with Avery. She found a worm and was very excited that it was pink."

"I miss her so much."

"She misses you too. Ready to walk?"

"Yeah."

After consulting the map she'd printed out he took her hand and they set out at a leisurely pace, checking out the shops along the street and commenting on this city that neither one of them was very familiar with.

It was a long walk to their destination, but it just didn't feel right taking a cab so half an hour later they finally reached the Reflecting Pool. It took one walk all the way around the pool before they finally reached an empty bench and sat down together, breathing and watching the world go by.

"I've thought about this for a long time," she said after a moment.

"What?"

"Sitting here by the pool together. Just existing. Coming full circle."

"Full circle to find the truth," he added, earning a smile for the inside joke. "The only problem with coming full circle is that means an end."

"No. Because we can spiral."

"You suck at geometry honey."

"I know. But you think I'm totally adorable anyway."

"That I do," he agreed, pulling her against him and kissing the top of her head. "So let me ask you a loaded question."

"What's that?"

"One year from now, what do you hope will be different than today?"

"You mean as far as our life in general?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think I would change anything. I hope the kids are still happy and healthy and growing. I hope you and I are as happy as we are now and that everything keeps moving forward I guess."

"No big dreams for the future?"

"I'm living every big dream I've ever had."

"No places you want to see, things you want to try, scary things you want to conquer?"

"Nope. I could have done those things years ago. I chose this instead. I regret nothing."

"So there's nothing I could do to make you happier?"

"Just be you. I'm happier every day than I was the one before so I think that's a good sign. Don't mess with a good thing."

"Okay."

"Why do you ask? Do I seem unhappy?"

"No. It's just that you always seem to catch on to little things that make me happy and I don't feel like I do that for you."

"What do you mean?"

"The way you fluff my pillow before I get in bed. Or how you remember to buy me oval shoelaces instead of round ones."

"Or how you remember that I like Ghirardelli chocolate better than Lindt or Godiva. And how you look into my eyes and tell me you love me every chance you get?"

"Those aren't special things though."

"What I do isn't special either. It's just because I love you. Get it?"

"I know. But babe, you're incredible and I'm… I'm just me and I am totally undeserving of you."

"No you're not. You're perfect and wonderful and you're everything I could ever want."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I love you."

"I love you too."

"And now I'm going to have to gag because we're disgusting."

He laughed and kissed her forehead, then hugged her tightly.

"Thanks for being here babe."

"But where's daddy?"

"He had to stay in D.C. Ben."

"But I thought you were pickin' him up from there! I thought we would get to see daddy! This is the worst day of my life!"

He burst into tears and ran across the room to Mac who scooped him up carefully and let him cry.

"Want daddy!" Avery shouted, stomping her foot. "My daddy!"

"Aves, daddy has to be down there for longer," Colton started, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. She growled and pushed him away, crossing her arms.

"My daddy home! Now!"

"Averylin you won't throw a fit right now when mama is tired and sad. You know better than that."

Avery's eyes went wide and she screamed suddenly pushing Colton away from her.

"Coley not daddy! Stop!"

"I'm just trying to help mama!"

"Cole don't yell at sissy!" Ben hollered, wiping his eyes. "You're not the daddy."

"Ben I am the man of the house when daddy's gone!"

"You don't make the rules Cole Matthew Ross! Quit being bossy! Nobody likes you!"

Colton just stood there looking at his siblings, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Please tell me they weren't like this the entire time," Lindsay muttered, close to tears herself as she gathered the kids belongings.

"No, they were fine. I think they're just overly tired. Take them home and put them to bed and you'll all feel better in the morning," Jo assured.

"I know. Come on kids, let's go home."

Colton sniffled and made his way to the door while Avery followed, her steps heavy and mad.

"I wanna stay here with Mac!" Ben declared. "I don't wanna go home."

"You can't stay here buddy. Your mama needs you at home," Mac explained, his voice calm and gentle.

"But daddy's not there! It's not the same!"

"I know it's not the same. And I know you miss your daddy a lot, but your mama needs to have all her kids in one place."

"I just miss my daddy," Ben hiccupped, rubbing at his eyes.

"Well look at it this way. If you didn't have such a good daddy you wouldn't miss him so much, would you?"

"Maybe."

"You're lucky you have such a good daddy Ben. And a good mama."

Ben nodded and hugged Mac around the neck before slipping off of his lap.

"Thanks for taking care of me and the other kids while mama was gone. And thanks for all the fun stuff we did."

"You're welcome buddy."

Ben crossed the room to Lindsay and hugged her legs, then went out to the car while she sighed.

"You're going to be okay," Mac assured, pulling her into one of his rare hugs. "You're doing just fine."

"I'm glad you believe in me because I don't."

"Well you're stubborn so it won't matter if you can't. You will anyway."

"Thank you."

"Get those kids home and into bed. I'll see you at work tomorrow bright and early and hopefully fully rested because you have to get the lab ready for inspections."

"I don't like you right now."

"Bring your cleaning gear."

She narrowed her eyes but smiled at him as he let her go.

"Thanks for taking the kids."

"Anytime."

Wishing she could stay here longer, a place that felt like home where her childhood could come back to her, she went outside to find Jo buckling the kids into the car.

"And you're going to be good for your mama, right?"

"Yes Jo-Jo," they all answered automatically.

"And you're going to clean your rooms and make your beds and clean up your toys?"

"No Jo-Jo," Avery answered with a shake of her head. "Not do that."

"Well it was worth a shot."

She leaned in and kissed them all goodbye, then shut the car door and gave Lindsay a motherly look.

"You okay honey?"

"I'm fine."

"Austin called. She said you're fighting."

"We fought. Now we're not speaking."

"That's not good."

"I'll fix it later. I have other stuff to worry about right now."

"Okay. You let me know if you need anything else."

"I will."

She got into the car and glanced back at the kids, wishing there wasn't sadness in their eyes. They were all quiet as she drove home, lost in their own thoughts. Luggage was left in the car as they made their way inside, all silently going upstairs to change into their pajamas and get in bed. Avery just stripped down and climbed under the covers, clutching her stuffed animals close and going to sleep without saying goodnight. Colton wasn't much different, turning over to face the wall and pulling his blankets over his head as to not be disturbed. Ben seemed a bit more restless, pacing around the room and chewing on his finger until Lindsay guided him into bed.

"Mama, life is hard," he confided, sliding his glasses off. "I wish that I was just swimmin' around in your belly again. Do you think I would fit?"

She chuckled as he curled into a little ball and gave her a half-smile.

"I might make you fat but I would 'preciate it if I could move in. It was quiet in there I remember. And cozy."

"Oh Ben."

"Times was simpler back then," he sighed wistfully. "At times I long for those days."

"Sweetie you are so strange."

"I know. Kiss me on my cheeks so I can go to sleep and dream 'bout daddy bein' home."

She obeyed his request and tucked him in tightly, taking a moment to watch him.

"I love you Benjamin."

"I love you too mama. Have sweet dreams."

She stood from his bed and walked over to Colton, taking a moment to hug him and tell him how proud he made her. He gave a little smile and leaned up to kiss her goodnight, a sure sign that her compliment far outweighed the squabble with his siblings. Everything felt off-center and misplaced as she went upstairs to sleep, but she knew they were over halfway done and things would be normal again soon.