Chapter 22: The trial (part 1).

The school year is over and we're in summer break. Our grades have already been reported to us and I'm happy to say that they were acceptable. Despite how a majority of the time I was unable to attend classes, and the severe depression I had for the better part of the year, I was able to get relatively good grades. The lowest grade was a 71 in math, but it still didn't affect the overall culmination of my grades that much. Anna on the other hand… well, she studied like crazy for the exams and at the end got a weighted average of 87. It wasn't fantastic, but isn't exactly bad either, so her parents decided not to punish her.

Our situation at school, on the other hand, improved considerably during the last two months due to Hans' imprisonment and Snow's expulsion. All their friends finally stopped bothering me and, most importantly, Anna, and no one else dared bully us, not even the most homophobic and hateful students. This, together with the unending support of Anna's (and my, I guess) friends has made my life a lot happier and easier… except for one little detail. Well, actually, two little details.

The first one is, as you may have already guessed, is that each day that passes is one day closer to confronting my father. To face him, to look him in the eye and denounce all the things he did to me in front of an entire courtroom full of people… people that could easily be corrupted by my father's money, even though I hope they're better than that. This usually gives me nightmares, and I keep waking up screaming at night. I haven't told anyone, because I don't want to worry them, but when this happens, it usually brings my mood down all day. The return of the Other Elsa doesn't help much either.

Maybe it would've been better if the trial had been as soon as I accepted to do it, but unfortunately Mr. Summers insisted that we had to plan this carefully. That and we'd already skipped too many classes. And so, he met with numerous Norwegian lawyers before deciding on the one he considered to be the best.

From there we talked a little about my situation, and finally we pressed charges against my father, the objectives being total emancipation and full access to my inheritance. If possible we'd love to get compensation for all the harm he caused me. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it'd be great if we won all of that.

But anyways, aside from that, there's another thing that's been bothering me: Anna wants to have sex with me. That, itself, isn't really a problem, because I want to have sex with her as well, but every time we're about to do it… something stops us. It's either something external (like Kai or Gerda arriving home), or the fact that I remember her parents forbid us from having sex in their house, or that I never feel the situation is romantic enough for our first time and (against my libido) I stop Anna.

Call me hopelessly romantic, but I really don't want our first time to be solely about lust. I want to plan it, to make it perfect and so pleasurable we'll both remember it forever… but Anna's getting impatient, I can feel it despite her multiple assurances and understanding words. I don't want to disappoint her, and many times I've thought about giving in, but… I don't want to do it while my mind is still on the trial with my father; while I still live in fear. And so, I will wait until the trial has passed… even though if my father wins, it'll be too late then.

Right now we're arriving in Norway (Kai and Gerda came too, as they are important witnesses, though they're staying in another hotel), and my stomach is making painful twists, my heart wants to beat itself out of my chest and my legs are literally jelly. I'm practically hyperventilating just thinking about being in the same country as my father. I felt a lot safer when I was at the other end of the world.

Anna seems to notice my panicked state, because she promptly takes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile when I turn to look at her. I try to return it, but I really can't. I'm too nervous to pretend I'm alright, so I just try to seem interested in the clouds outside our window and hope she'll leave me alone. She does, but only because it's like the tenth time she's seen me so nervous since we boarded the plane, and she's probably already realized that there's nothing she can do to make me feel better.

Once we arrive to the hotel, Anna's parents suggest that we go to see the great city of Oslo, but I tell them to go without me; I'm really not in the mood to go sightseeing, much less of playing guide in my natal city. A city that brings back so many memories, some good, some bad, but all make me feel depressed. Anna seems to notice my state because she insists on staying with me despite my protests, and we end up watching kids movies on Netflix all day, even though my mind is in another place.

I feel bad for Anna, having to stay with my depressed and pathetic self instead of going out and seeing new places as she'd obviously love doing, but she won't listen when I tell her she's free to go. Every time I go to the small kitchen in our suite she discreetly peeks and verifies all knives are on their place. I can tell she's afraid I'll hurt myself again, and I don't blame her, because the thought has crossed my mind, but I'd never do it again. Not for me; for Anna. I don't want to hurt her, to disappoint her.

The night passes without me getting any sleep, so the next morning I really look like a pale zombie with wide black circles under my eyes. I avoid Anna's concerned gazes and vaguely answer her parents' questions about my health. I just need to get this over with now. I hope the trial ends today. I really don't want it to last more.

The drive to where the trial will take place is pure torture, and by the time we arrive I'm shaking in fear and can only get out of the car with Anna's help. Then, they have to practically physically shove me into the place because I had an almost-panic-attack and tried to run away the moment I saw the court waiting for me.

Finally, however, we meet with my lawyer and we all sit down at our respective places, waiting for my father and his lawyer to arrive.

After a few minutes sweating and shaking anxiously, not even hearing Anna's comforting words or my lawyer's advices, I'm thinking that maybe my father got scared and isn't coming, that hopefully he's just going to give me my inheritance without a fight (as unbelievable as that is) but then, as I see his white hair, perfectly groomed beard and stern grey eyes, I feel like my stomach is being pierced with a thousand knives and I instinctively cower, partially hiding behind Anna, my heart racing at a million miles per hour. I close my eyes and hide my face with my hands, trying to calm down and breathe normally, when I hear my girlfriend's concerned voice.

"Is that your father?" She says, only earning an almost unnoticeable nod from me. "Wow. He does look scary." She giggles, probably hoping to make me smile too, but right now my face is stuck in a panicked expression. "Hey." She gently touches my shoulder to soothe me, but I flinch like it's a burning iron. Anna sighs at this. "Look… he's just a man, and after today you won't have to see him ever again if you don't want to, but right now you have to be brave, okay?"

I internally laugh at her words, because she makes it sound so easy, but for me he's not just a man. He's the man who never loved me, the man I was always trying to make proud, the man whose approval was the only thing I wanted for most of my life… the man who blamed me of my mother's disappearance and my brother's death when I was only a kid. No, he's not just a man. I can't just be brave. But of course, she doesn't understand that.

"Please, Elsa, do it for you. Don't let him win, don't let him see how much he's hurt you." She insists, forcibly taking my hands and removing them from my face, making me stare at her beautiful eyes that are the only thing that could make me stop panicking right now. "Please, just… just look at him, okay? Look at him and show him you're not afraid."

But I am afraid!

"A-Anna…" I'm barely able to say, shaking my head in fear. "P-please…"

"No, Elsa, you have to do it." She says firmly and, before I can object anymore, her head disappears from my field of vision and I find myself gazing directly into a pair of gray eyes. The eyes of my nightmares. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to… But I don't do anything. I don't even breathe. I'm completely paralyzed, like my body is afraid that, if I make any movement he'll notice me and he'll hurt me. Even though I don't move, he suddenly looks at me and my heart stops. My breathe stops. Time itself stops as I wait for his reaction, because a stupid part of me still hopes he'll recognize me, still hopes he'll look at me with something other than contempt.

He shakes his head disapprovingly, as he always did when I did something wrong, and then proceeds to stare ahead like he's lost in his thoughts, exactly as he always did when he was trying to think about which punishment would be better for me.

A wave a fear, intense as never before, hits me like a tsunami so suddenly that I can't control myself when I get up and try to run away, saying:

"I can't… I-I'm sorry, I j-just…" But before I can more even three steps, a hand holds tightly my own, so firm that it hurts, but so real that it helps me stay grounded. I turn to look at who grabbed me and, as expected, I find Anna, giving me and stern look.

"Yes, Elsa, you can." She says firmly. "You can and you're going to do it." I can't believe how confident she sounds, like she already knows the outcome, like there's nothing to fear, no uncertainties. Just her tone alone is enough to make me stop trying to run away. "You're the same girl… no, the same woman that stood up for me when Hans was trying to rape me, the same one who overcame severe depression and kept going even after a suicide attempt, and I'm not going to stay here and watch you quit now. This is your final step towards happiness. Don't run away from it." She pleads, her voice trembling slightly because of the emotion, and for a moment all I can do is stare at her, at this girl who has more faith in me that I myself have ever had, and in that moment I just know that, as long as I have her by my side, I'm capable of everything. Even of facing my father. I have to be. I can't disappoint her.

"Anna…" I say as a single tear falls from my left eye and is promptly caught by my girlfriend's soft thumb. "I-I'm sorry…" I choke out, closing my eyes. "I-I can be such a coward, a-and I just…"

"Shhhh." She says as she wraps her arms around me. "I understand, you're afraid." She admits. "But you're not a coward, you are a fighter, Elsa. And you're going to get through this; you're going to win this trial."

"B-but… I don't know how." I protest weakly. "I-I can't…"

"Of course you can. I know you can." She cuts me off, squeezing me tightly and making me hum in content as I enjoy her warmth. "He's the one being judged here, not you." At this, she pulls away slightly to look me in the eye, to emphasize her next words. "You don't have to be nervous; you're just trying to get what's yours."

At this, I nod and quickly wipe my tears, conscious that the judge is probably going to arrive at any moment and cannot see me as a mess of tears (at least not until the personal questions about my father start), and also trying to look like the brave woman my girlfriend thinks I am. When I'm composed enough (even if I'm still shaking inside) I give Anna a quick nod to indicate I'm ready and she gives me a huge smile.

"Come on, the trial should start soon." She says as she makes me sit down.

"You can do this, Elsa." Anna's father whispers, making me turn to look at his gentle face.

"We believe in you." Anna's mother adds with a nod. Then I turn to see Kai and Gerda and see their supporting smiles. In that moment I realize, all these people really do have faith in me; they came all the way to Norway to support me, and I'm not going to disappoint them.

Suddenly, the sound of a hammer startles me and I turn to the front, noticing the judge has already arrived and is in his respecting site, standing above us all. I feel too small and vulnerable when I look at him, the man who will decide my fate.

"Order, please!" His powerful voice sounds throughout the room, and instantly everyone keeps quiet. "The trial about Elsa Frost's emancipation and inheritance is about to begin." He says as he gets out a folder with some documents and scans his eyes trough the papers. "Mr. Gunnarson, please come to the front."

At this, my lawyer quickly gets up and walks to the center of the court before clearing his throat and speaking.

"Your honor." He starts. "During the course of this trial we're going to prove that Adgar Frost is unfit to take care of his daughter, that she'd be better off on her own, and that he's been purposely hiding the truth of Idunn Olafdottir's death in order to keep Elsa Frost's rightful inheritance from her."

"Very well, you can sit." The judge nods and my lawyer returns to his sit. "Now, Mr. Vargson, please come to the front." In that moment, my father's lawyer, who is an old and evil-looking man, gets up and takes his place before talking with a soft but malicious voice.

"Your honor, during the course of this trial we'll prove that Elsa Frost is mentally unstable and would be irresponsible to leave her to fend on her own." I wince at his words, very aware that they have enough material to prove that; after all, I did try to commit suicide. "And that all of the actions of my client were to ensure her safety and health."

"You can sit now." The judge says and the lawyer goes back to his sit. "The accusing part must now present their proof. "

First, my lawyer called me, and I tensed up, knowing I'd have to recount all of what my father had done to me (and in front of him, no less), but I take a deep breath, put on a brave face and walk to the front, sitting in the "victim's place", chewing nervously on my lips as I wait for him to start asking me questions.

We've practiced this. I know what to say. I can do this.

I keep telling myself encouraging words, trying to pretend this is another simulation of the trial… but without Anna's comforting hand in mine, it's not the same. I don't feel strong enough.

"Elsa Frost." Mr. Gunnarson speaks before I can fully prepare myself. "Your father kept from you the knowledge of your mother's death, is that correct?"

"Y-yes." I choke out and, when he keeps staring at me, I remember I have to say more and so I do with great difficulty. "Ever since I was little child he… h-he always said she'd left us… because of me." I say, my voice trembling without me being able to control it.

You're weak. You can't do this and you know it. You're a failure.

I don't even try to argue with myself.

"The way he said she left you, could he have meant that she'd died?" He keeps asking.

"No." I say firmly, swallowing my fear before continuing. "I once asked him if she was dead but he explicitly said she wasn't. He said she had walked away from us."

"You had a brother at that time, correct?" He asks, and I answer with a nod. "Did you ever ask him about your mother?"

"Many times. But my father had forbidden him to talk about her, and so he only once told me her name." I say more confidently this time, the familiarity of the questions and answers putting me at ease, but I still avoid looking to where my father is. "I only knew my mother was dead a few months ago, when my g…" I cut myself off, chickening out at the last second and looking at my father with a fearful gaze as I correct myself. "When my friend searched her name on the internet and found an article about her."

"You never considered doing that yourself?"

"No, by the time using the internet became common, I already thought of my mother as a horrible person who had abandoned me, and wanted to know nothing about her."

"Alright, now tell me, how was your relationship with your father?"

The rest of the questions went on in a similar fashion, the first few being about my early years, then about how my father locked me in my room after my brother died, and how he treated me after that. All of them were easy because we'd practiced them and I kept my eyes glued on Anna's encouraging smile, but then the most difficult question of all came.

"And for the final question, why did your father send you to the USA?" Mr. Gunnarson asked and my whole body tensed. I clenched my fists so hard that I'm pretty sure I pierced my skin with my nails.

"H-he…" I swallow, subconsciously turning to look at him and, noticing his face that clearly says 'If you speak now, you're going to regret it', I quickly close my eyes and try to answer. I don't remember clearly the answer I'm supposed to give, so I just try to remember that day without crumbling. "That day I-I… in school I told a girl that I…" I pause, trying to keep myself from crying, shutting my eyelids to prevent the tears from falling.

"That you…?" The lawyer prompts.

"That I loved her." I whimper, tears now falling freely from my eyes.

"In a romantic way?" He asks me to clarify, but all I can manage is a weak nod. "How old were you then?"

"Thirteen." I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling, but it's a lost cause.

"And what did you father do when he found out?"

"H-he…" Now I'm sobbing badly and too many tears are falling freely through my cheeks. I feel ashamed of my weakness, but I know I have to answer. I have to be brave. "He said it wasn't natural. "I say between whimpers." He said I was filthy a-and h-he immediately called Kai.

"Why did he call Mr. Andersen?" My lawyer prompts when the sobs keep me from continuing talking.

"T-to ask if I could go live with him." I sob, my breathes now coming out quickly, as if I were about to hyperventilate. "H-he said I could only c…" A sob interrupts me. "I could only come back if… if I proved I was a good daughter and…" I'm crying now with so much intensity that I can't keep talking anymore, nor do I care. I'm in his studio again, looking at his eyes filled with hatred, hearing his thundering voice telling me he doesn't want to see me anymore, dictating the sentence to a crime I couldn't control.

"Ms. Frost?" He asks but I don't answer. "Ms. Frost, he said you could only return if you proved you were a good daughter and…?" He prompts, but I only shake my head, sobbing pathetically as I bury my face into my hands. "And if you were not gay anymore?" He suggests, and I find myself nodding as I continue crying.

"Very well, thank you. That will be all."

I don't know how I managed to get up and walk to my place, I just know that as soon as I arrived, I crumbled in my sit and hugged Anna as if my life depended on it, enjoying her comforting caresses and her soothing warmth. I only felt safe in her arms; safe from the world, safe from all that people's eyes… safe from him.

When I calmed down enough, I noticed that Mr. Gunnarson had called Kai and Gerda, to recount all they'd seen ever since I went to live with them (with the help of an interpreter, of course. The trial was in Norwegian, after all), how my father would only contact with me by letters, even though he had an e-mail, how he would barely give me enough money to survive and how, after he stopped sending money at all and I tried to escape, they sent him an e-mail and he answered telling them to kick me out of the house if they wanted, and how they informed him when I tried to commit suicide and he didn't answer. The lawyer also presented the printed e-mails and letters as proof.

Then it was Anna's turn to tell all she'd seen; how I became thinner and thinner because of the lack of food, how I only had three sets of clothing and how she saw me utterly depressed after my suicidal attempt, always emphasizing that I had been able to overcome that only because of her and Kai and Gerda's help, and that right now I was in a much better state of mind.

Finally, the lawyer calls my father to recount everything from his perspective. I know this'll be a little trickier since we don't know how he'll answer the questions and I know he's an expert with words, which is making me a little (okay, maybe a lot) nervous, but I just hope he'll make one mistake, just one, that will undoubtedly turn this trial in our favor, even if I know it's highly improbable.

"Mr. Frost." He starts. "Is it true that you kept secret Idunn Olafdottir's death from your daughter?"

"I did." He says calmly, like it's not a big deal. "I wasn't going to tell the little girl that her mother had been murdered. What kind of parent would I be if I did that?" His innocent face could have fooled me if I didn't know better, but… will it fool the jury?

"But when she grew up, why didn't you tell her?" The lawyer insisted.

"She didn't ask me, and I was honestly so busy that I forgot about it entirely and didn't bring it up during our conversations." At this I clench my teeth in rage. I never brought up the subject, yes, but only because he had forbid me doing so. I hope the judge doesn't believe what my father is saying.

"Alright then, why did you tell her that it was her fault her mother had abandon you?"

"It's just a simple misunderstanding." My father laughs, like it's something funny. "Elsa asked me once why her mother had left, and I told her what Idunn told me when she divorced from me; that she did it because of our daughter. That woman was so mad that she didn't want me to be near my child." Again he laughs and I really want to punch his ugly face. How dare he?!

"And why she wanted to keep Elsa away from you? Maybe because she knew you wouldn't treat her well?—My lawyer asks, making my father's calm face disappear for a second, but it reappears just a moment later.

"She just wanted to punish me. The woman was heartbroken, you know how it is." He answered with a shrug.

"Alright, but then why did you treat Elsa so poorly all her life?"

"She just perceived it that way. I was too busy working to make money and ensure her future that I didn't have time for her, but I did try to connect with her when we were together." He said, sounding offended that I had implied otherwise. "I may not be the best father out there, but I'm not a terrible one either."

You're the worst father!

And you're the worst daughter. I think that balances it.

"And then why did you lock her up when her brother died?"

"That… was very unfortunate." He says with a theatrical sigh that makes my blood boil. I really do want to kick him where it hurts the most. "Poor thing went crazy when her brother died. She was so mad she started attacking me. I even got a scar where her nails touched me." He said pointing to a little scar in his chin that I may or may not have made. I don't remember. "I just thought it would be better for her to stay in her room until the madness had worn itself out." He paused. "I tried to visit her, of course, and comfort her, but she didn't even want to look at me! I think she blamed me of Jack's death."

"But you didn't allow the servants to bring her food." Mr Gunnarson pointed out.

"No, I didn't do such a thing!" He said, again offended. "She merely refused to eat, depressed as she was. It wasn't the last time she did such a thing either; that's why she became as thin as her friend said."

"Are you trying to deny that you stopped sending her money?"

"Of course I kept sending her money! I just reduced the quantity as a punishment for her bad grades."

You fucking liar!

"Then why is the rent more than five months overdue?"

"I don't know, she's probably spending the money in other things." He shrugs. "She's very imprudent and rebellious, that's why I told Kai and Gerda to kick her out; I thought if they threaten her with that, she'd finally give them the money."

"But in a letter you sent her, you specifically said you'd stop sending money."

"What I meant is I'd stop sending as much money as before. That's all. I wasn't going to let my only daughter starve to death." He laughs, and the sound is enough to break practically all my rationality barriers, seriously, if not for Anna's hand firmly clenching mine and her head shaking, I would have jumped out and strangle him. How dare he lie about something like this?! And in front of me, no less!

"Please, forgive my indiscretion, but I still don't think that's a good way to treat your then sixteen-year-old daughter, especially when she's at the other end of the world, living with strangers and with no one to turn to, except you."

"My parenting methods are a little harsh, I admit, but that's how my father raised me, and I turned out just fine."

Right, just fine! You hypocrite cold man with no feelings!

"So your father sent you to the USA too?" Mr. Gunnarson asks, even though he already knows the answer, based on what I've told him.

"Yes. That's correct." My father nods. "That's how I met Kai."

"But the reasons in this case were completely different, as well as the age." He states as a matter of fact. "You were eighteen, while Elsa was only thirteen. And you were sent to learn about independence and international relationships, while Elsa was sent because you wanted to punish her for liking a girl."

"That's not true." He says frowning, kind of angry. "Elsa was thirteen when I sent her because I deemed her ready to face that challenge. And it had nothing to do with her liking a girl; the trip was already planned."

"But Elsa said…" My lawyer starts, but he interrupts him.

"She was lying!" He almost shouts, losing composure for a moment. "She just wants to get my money, don't you see? She'll do everything it takes. She already killed her brother!" I wince at his words, the old wound opening all over again, hurting me, making me feel just like that day nine years ago. I close my eyes trying to calm myself down, but it's not enough to block his words. "Her thirst for money is insane, that's why I tried to give her a lesson by making her live in almost poverty, but it wasn't enough. She still wants to take what she thinks it's hers, she'd kill me to get the inheritance if she could."

"Mr. Frost…" My lawyer starts in a placating tone, but I can't hold myself back anymore. Not even Anna's touch is enough. All the anger, all he frustration, all these claims I've been keeping buried all my life… it just makes me explode. His words were the straw that broke the camel's back.

"Stop lying!" I scream, getting up, looking at him with so much fury that it's making my whole body tremble. "I'm sick of you lying to me all my life! I'm sick of believing your lies! I'm sick…!"

"Ms. Frost…" The judge tries to make me shut up, but there's no stopping me now.

"You're only a lying bastard and that's all you ever be! I HATE YOU!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you…" I keep repeating, tears now falling from my eyes as I bury my face between my hands and crumble into my sit completely, only now registering Anna's firm arms surrounding me, trying to give me some form of comfort, but nothing could comfort me now. I can feel it. My muscles are so tense that they hurt, my teeth are clenching so tightly that they even crick, and I'm pretty sure I bit my tongue because I have a metallic taste on my mouth. But I don't care, because the biggest pain comes from my heart. The pain that's been with me all my life and that won't relent. The pain that I can ignore but never placate.

I don't even notice when the judge grants us a break, or when Anna gently leads me outside to get some fresh air. But it doesn't matter, practically all the time the break lasts I'm curled up in a chair and trying to somewhat bury the pain again. But I can't. Not with the knowledge that in a few more minutes I'll have to go in there again and face my father.

Still, I try to put on a brave face and, after about an hour, a couple of glasses of soda and a chocolate, I manage to be composed enough to return to the court.

As I feared, now it's my father's lawyer's turn, and his first request is for me to come to the front. I feel nervous because I know he'll try to make me say something to make everyone think that I'm insane, and because I don't know the questions he will ask. But I still try to appear calm (or as calm as I can look with puffy red eyes and slightly messy hair while shaking like a startled deer).

"Alright, Elsa, tell me." The old man starts, making a dramatic pause. "Why did you kill your brother?"