The new cadets had arrived a couple of days earlier, just after the failed expedition. According to the training method we used, they'd have classes and training for a couple of months before actually leaving the walls. When I passed by one of the windows, I saw that they were already standing in formation, awaiting orders.
It wasn't the first one I'd ever given them, in fact, I was probably the person who gave them the most training out of everyone there and I was perfectly aware of the fact that the majority of them either was afraid of me or hated me. I didn't really care about that, let those kids think whatever the hell they wanted, as long as they learned what had to be learned.
As I was walking towards the cafeteria, my eyes grazed captain Levi's door, noticing the absence of the mug I'd left there yesterday. Some cadet has probably cleaned it already...
-Good morning, Martha! - shouted Hange, as soon as I stepped inside the dining hall.
-Hey - I smiled, sitting next to her, holding a piece of bread a baked potato in my hands. - What are you going to do today?
-Hm... I don't really know. I thought about asking Eriwn to give us permission to do a hunting mission. Since, you know, Sonny and Bean were murdered and all. - That would be awesome. Studying titans is still my main goal in the Corps, after all...
-Nice! - I replied, sinking my teeth into the small loaf of bread, while she kept on rambling.
-Good morning - Levi's squad saluted us, entering the hall. I raised my eyes to look at them, only to find myself staring right into Eld's. I looked away almost immediately, feeling a sharp sting in my chest.
-You okay? - he asked. Usually, I was pretty good at controling my emotions so that things like this didn't happen but today, the memories just kept plaguing me.
-Yeah, sure - I gave myself a few hard punches on the chest, pretending to be trying to get stuck food to go down - I just ate a bit too fast - I found myself smilling at him again, as if everything was alright.
-Martha. - turning around, I saw Erwin standing right behind me, with his arm still wrapped with bandages and hanging on his abdomen, supported my more ligatures. It's still like that? Must've been worse than we thought
-Good morning, commander. How can I help you?
-I need you to come with me to my office. Now.
-Right. See you guys later - we walked side by side until the dining hall was at the far end of a narrow corridor. When I was sure that we were alone, I turned to him, concern spread across my face. - Erwin? How are you? How's your arm?
-Lieutenant, treating your commander in such a formal way? - he grinned.
-There's no one here... - I muttered, scowling - Sorry about that, commander, sir...
-I'm better, yeah. This thing comes off tomorrow. - he nudged me with his good side and let out a light chuckle.
-I was getting worried... - I sighed, closing my eyes. When I saw Erwin's cable break, I only had time to attach mine to some random tree and try to stop him from falling. He ended up landing all his weight on his right arm before I could reach him. - Did you figure out why it broke in the first place?
-Not yet, no. There isn't any particular reason for it to have happened. Oh, well - he sighed - I called you to know how you are doing.
-Me? I'm fine - I answered with a wide smile. - It wasn't me that almost died last week, commander. - Yeah... I almost died as well. Why can't I just admit that it's hard? Grief is not a weakness, Martha. Your squad died, you are allowed to feel like shit. No I'm not, I need to keep fighting, to honor their sacrifices. That way, they won't have died in vain...
-I heard someone walking on the corridor last night. In fact, I've been hearing that someone ever since we came back.
-Oh... - my smile slowly faded. I tried to get around it - A late night snack has become somewhat of a habit...
-And the missing tea? Look, I know you're having those nightmares, there's no point in denying that. If you can't handle things right now, you know you can ask for a couple of days off. - I shook my head.
-No, not that. I'm not someone who just gives up like that. I've been having more nightmares than I usually do, that's all. Everything is perfectly under control. It's not going to affect my work.
-I know, but be careful with that. If you think it's too much, don't push it and come talk to me. I'm commander for a reason. If one of my soldiers is in trouble, my duty is to help them.
-I'm not going to dishonor commander Pixis' vote of confidence. Or yours. - I muttered, confidence riddled in my voice - I will keep fighting.
-That's what I like to hear. - we finally reached his office's door. - Speaking of which, tomorrow is the commander's reunion and he requested your presence.
-Who? Commander Pixis? Why?
-Who knows? He's an eccentric. - I felt a knot forming in my stomach.
-Do you think he... has reconsidered his decision?
-And he wants you back in the Garrison? I highly doubt it. Furthermore, I wouldn't allow it. You're a precious asset here. - I sighed in relief upon hearing those words. At least, Erwin would be by my side if something happened. - One thing; has Levi spoken to you already, about joining his squad?
-Yes.
-And? I haven't seen you in their training sessions yet.
-I turned the offer down. - I replied, lowering my sight until it hit the floor.
-What, why? Are you affraid? You think you don't deserve it because of what happened?
-It's not that... I mean, part of it is but... it's not the real reason - I struggled to get the words to come out of my mouth.
-Is it because you don't see eye to eye with someone there and think that it would do more harm than good to work so closely to that person? - Damn, this man is like a sorcerer... how did he know?
-Well... it's something like that...
-I cannot believe it, Martha! - I felt like I was a child being scolded by their parent. He rarely talked to me in this tone. - Humanity's STRONGEST soldier trusts you enough to invite you to his squad, where only the best amongst the best are and you turn him down because you don't get along with someone?! To say I am severely disappointed is a vast understatement!
-Erwin... it's.. It's not like that! - the memories started flowing, just as my tears refused to be held back anymore. I tried swallowing it all up but it was just too much. - This has to do with the Colossal Titan's first attack... - his expression seemed to soften up a bit.
-I see. Explain it to me, then. - I inhaled slowly, trying to keep calm and sat on the chair across his desk.
-Do I really need to? - my voice sounded pathetic. I felt like a kid again.
-Give me one good reason for you not joining Levi's squad. - I guess I can't escape this time... Throught the years, several people tried to find out about my past but I chose not to share it with anyone. The memories were just too painful to relive.
-When I was in the Garrison... I met this guy named Nathaniel. He-
-I don't need your life's story, Martha. Just tell me why. - I could tell he was impatient, but his attitude was starting to get on my currently frail nerves.
-Fucking hell, Erwin! It's the fucking anniversary of the death of my whole first squad! Right after the first fucking squad I ever led died as well! Sorry if stirring up those memories makes me get a bit off topic! - I fell down on the chair again, my face slowly sinking between my hands. A ligh sob escaped my lips and I stood there quiet for a couple of seconds, trying to calm down. - It's been so long... Why can't I forget? The reason why I don't want to join Levi's squad is that I knew Eld's younger brother, his pride and joy and he died in my arms. And Eld has no idea... I can't fight with someone if i can't even tell him something like this!
-Then tell him. He knows his brother also swore to defend humanity with his life.
-But... - I bit my closed fist, muffling the cries that climbed up my throat. - He was deserting. - Erwin's expression changed.
-I see. You don't want to go because you can't tell Eld that his brother died without honor.
-He talks about him with such pride... He just looks so happy, I can't take that away from him!
-Why did you join the Survey Corps, Martha? - the question caught me off guard.
-Why?... Because... I wanted to know more about the titans.
-Why?
-I wanted to find out more so that no one else wold die because of them.
-How did you reached that decision? Think before you answer. - I stare at him with a confused expression. What do you mean? I made this decision because of all the people who died, of course... Then, it hit me. A memory of my days in the Garrison with my squad. Nate, patroling with me, laughing, sleeping, resting while looking at the sunset... Then I saw him, being almost mauled to death by a titan after we fought and then his horrified face when he told me he was afraid of dying. The frightened gaze and the muffled screams... his silent tears. He was on his way to the gate when he was caught. It was mere seconds after the Armored Titan had breached throught the inner all. If he hadn't decided to leave... Or if I had decided to go with him... If he'd just stayed with me, fighting together... even dying wouldn't have been a bad fate.
-When Nate died, he... he held on to me... telling me he didn't want to die. And... I never wanted to see anyone like that again.
-Don't you think that denying the squad your help will do the exact opposite? Being there will increase our chances of success significantly.
-That's bullshit, Erwin. You know the most important thing to me here is research and me being in Levi's squad helps nothing.
-Martha. What I mean is that, with you there, our chances of reducing casualty numbers are significantly higher. Don't you want that?
-And I'm supposed to talk to Eld?
-Yes. It's for the best.
-Commander, I don't see how this can end well...
-It's an order, lieutenant. Stop wasting my time and just do it. You know this has to be done. I've been very lenient these past days, but you and I both know, we have a duty towards humanity. If you don't want to join them, I'll have to assign you a new squadron. - I clenched my jaw. He had no right to pull that card on me. Not right now.
-I understand, sir.
-I do believe the cadets' morning class is yours to give, lieutenant. After that, talk to Corporal Levi and Eld. Dismissed.
-Thank you, sir. - turning my back, I left towards the courtyard, where the cadets were waiting.
I put on my 3D maneuver gear before I exited the building and, when I arrived at the courtyard, the cadets were all talking to eachother.
-SO! - I yelled, startling them - You call this a formation?! - they just stood there, looking at me, until one of them decided to salute me.
-No, mam! - he yelled at me.
-Then... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! - they almost ran, trying to organize themselves. When they finally got into position, I started talking. - So, as you should know by now, I am Lieutenant Krieger.
-Also known as Lieutenant McShorty... - snarled Oluo, who was sitting on a wooden box. Some of the kids started laughing, hiding their faces. - Even shorter than captain Levi. I must say, I didn't think it was possible...
-Shut up, fuck face. - I spat, not bothering to look at him - Don't you have more women to reject you elsewhere? - out the corner of my eye, I saw him leave, with a sulky face plastered on him. - Since you found his joke so fucking funny, you little shits, ON THE GROUND, NOW! - I heard some of them swearing but I kept going. - One, two, three.. - they didn't understand what they were supposed to be doing. How dumb can you be, goddamnit
-Lietenant Krieger, mam? - I heard a soft female voice. It was a blonde cadet, a little girl. - What are we supposed to do?
-PUSHUPS, CADET! PLANK, NOW! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... - I carried on until I reached about twenty. - Ups, I forgot zero. - I chuckled. - Zero, one, two - by the time I reached thirty, they had managed to synchronize and silence now filled the air. - Stand up! Now that we're all quiet and warmed up, - I smiled - we can get on with the actual work. The exercise of today consists in a course with several dummies to attack. You will go in pairs through a path that leads to the exit.
-Lieutenat Krieger - a blonde cadet called me.
-Yes, what is your name, cadet?
-Armin Arlert, mam.
-What's the matter?
-Are we supposed to choose our teammate?
-Well, now that you mention it! - I felt my lips curl into a sly grin - I'll pick the teams! You there, Jaeger and you, Kirstein! - the others were paired up after - And lastly, Ackerman and Ymir. First group, start. - I saw Eren and Kirstein arguing even before they entered the forest. - OI, come here, you two!
-Yes, mam! - they nodded and stopped in front of me.
-What's going on here? What kind of shit is this? You haven't even started the drill and you're already at eachother's throats?
-No, lieutenant Krieger, mam...
-THIS DRILL IS MEANT TO TEACH YOU TO COOPERATE! You hear that?! It doesn't matter what you think personally about the other person! A stupid arguement like that could cost you your life! - It really can... - Got it?!
-Yes, mam!
-Just start already, I haven't got all day. - they entered and, after they passed through, the dummies were reset. Another group went in and, after three hours, everyone had finished. Mikasa and Ymir were the fastest, just as expected. I wouldn't be surprised if Ackerman was invited to Levi's squad somewhere during the following months... - Ok, brats, get the fuck out of my sight and tend to your horses!
As soon as they left the courtyard, I entered the main building, looking for Eld. He was with the others in the common room, playing some cards.
-Oi, Eld, got a minute?
-Yeah, what?
-I need to talk to you - he came outside and we started walking towards my office. I closed the door behind me as I entered. - You better sit down for this.
-Martha, what's the matter? You're starting to freak me out. Is everything alright?
-Yeah, I'm fine... - I sat across him, and let my forehead rest on my hands, sighing. - Listen, I have something to tell you and it's not easy for me to talk about it. It's about... - Here they come, the memories... Focus, Martha, you need to do this! - As you may have noticed, the way in which I joined the Survey Corps wasn't an ordinary one. Before coming here, I was a soldier in the Garrison and I.. - Come on, you have to tell him. Fucking hell, don't get cold feet now! - I knew Nate. Nathaniel - I corrected myself.
-Nate...? - his expression sunk a bit, remembering his younger brother. - What about him? He died fighting, I know that.
-We were in the same squad. I... we... - I had to look away and tried to dry my tears with the jacket's sleeve.
-You were with him? - I only managed to nod. - Tell me he died fighting. Tell me he was a good soldier until the end... - I started to violently sob, unable to get any words out. I tried to keep still, to stifle the shame that crept up my throat. I should've just suck it up like a soldier and not be sobbing like a stupid kid! Martha, you're so fucking weak, how you even got through training, I'll never know...
-I was all my fault... - I lifted up my gaze, face all red and tear stained. - If I hadn't insisted in him staying, he'd... he wouldn't have got mad at me and leave in a fit of rage... He'd have been more careful and... I'm so sorry, Eld! - my forehand slammed the table and I covered my face with trembling hands, not knowing what else to do.
-My brother was... a deserter? - his face was like a block of stone, unreadable. - Listen, Martha, thank you.
-What?
-Thank you for reminding him of his oath. He was my pride but he was also a boy. I don't blame him for being afraid; not everyone is made to be a soldier...
-He always talked about how you were his hero... - I muttered.
-That little shit - he bit his fist and covered his eyes as tears began to stream down his face. - I couldn't protect him and he says something like that? Good, Nate, you're a fucker, you know that?! You just had to die! - he leaned foward and rested his elbows on the table, whilst covering his slightly red face. - So wait... You were the girl he always talked about in his letters?
-I guess... I don't really know.
-He always spoke so happily about you, even his tone when he wrote was different. But he never told me your name, that shy brat. - he chuckled softly.
-I wanted to say something sooner but... I couldn't. I'm sorry for mentioning this now, so long after...
-Don't worry. I don't blame you. From what I heard and from your reaction just now, I can clearly understand that this is much harder for you. - he held his hand out - Krieger, what you told me only gives me more will to fight those monsters. So people like Nate won't suffer. - drying my tears, I shoke his hand. I felt like I'd just taken a huge weight off my shoulders and I managed a shy smile.
-He was the reason I decided to join the Corps... Thank you for understanding, Eld. I have no words to describe how relieved I feel right now. If you'll excuse me, I have another matter to tend to. - we exited the office and split up. He went towards the common room and I walked towards captain Levi's office. That went so much better than I expected... I hope this goes as well... As I reached the door, I inhaled deeply and knocked.