I woke up sweating again. The pillow was stained with tears as well. I know what comes next. The knot on the back of my throat and the cold sweats.
I got up and held another blanket around my trembling shoulders. I stepped into the hallway and passed Erwin's room. Is he still awake..?, probably not. And going to him, asking to spend some time with me wasn't very appropriate even though we were in fact friends. Also, in my current state, I wasn't fully in control of what I did and he was my commander after all. Hange was snoring tonight, her sounds echoying in the empty hallway.
A light. Again. Levi's room was once again illuminated. I stopped in front of his door and heard the brush scraping the floor. Again. I made my way to the kitchen and repeated the same ritual of the day before.
Reaching his door again, the sound of his cleaning was louder. I knocked on the cold wooden door and everything went silent.
- Who is it at this fucking hour? - his bored and cold voice spat from inside.
- Corporal, it's me.
- Oh. - he replied, in a dry fashion.
- Is everything alright?
- You're going to come annoy me every night? - Fucking hell, what's his problem?... I'm just trying to help...
I passe by and saw a light... Since I made tea for myself, I thought it would be polite to do the same for you, since you're awake.
- 'Polite' would be for you to disappear and go to sleep, Martha. - He... called me by my name...?
I understand. Good night, captain. - I left the mug on the doorstep and got back to bed. This time, the tea seemed to calm me enough for me to go back to sleep.
I woke up ill rested and took a shower, washing my hair. After getting dressed, I went to look for Erwin.
- Martha! - Petra called me, smiling. - I heard you joined our squad! Finally!
- Yeah, well... I... I'll talk to you guys later, okay? I'm in a hurry right now. - I ran throught the winding hallways until I reached his office, but it was locked. I can't believe it... I made my way, with heavy footsteps, to his room. - ERWIN, YOU ASS! - I screamed, pulling the covers from his torso - Do you know hat time it is?! We're going to be late!
- Get lost... fucking hell - he rolled in bed, clinging to his head. - How didn't I foresee this... shit..
- Come on! Hurry up.
- Stop shouting! - he yelled, squeezing his forehead - Don't worry, the clock is an hour ahead. - This guy thinks about everything... - Now, you little screaming shit, you know I'm commander, don't you?!
- Yeah, I do...
- Well, now I shall exert my powers as your superior.
- Erwin, no, please, I-
- STABLE DUTY FOR A MONTH!
- Fuck this, you're the worst...
- What did you say?... That you want more punshiment for your disrespectfull behaviour? Well, since you insist... Clean the cadets' common room as well.
- You have to be joking... You have to be... - I covered my forehead with a hand. Cleaning in front of the cadets... The shame... He finished getting dressed rather quickly and we hurried to meet the others. The trip wasn't too long, specially on horse, so we got there in a quarter of an hour.
- Well, good day, Erwin - smilled Pixis, shaking his hand - Morning, Krieger. - I saluted him.
- Sir!
- Eh, leave those formalities. You want some? - he handed me his flask and I refused.
- Hm, hello Erwin.
- Morning, Dok.
- The... deserter came too. - Deserter MY ASS, you son of a bitch, I was cleared!
Good morning, commander Dok. - I flashed him a death glare and sat next to Erwin.
- The Commander's Meeting is in session - declared the scribe.
- First of all, I believe we should discuss the recent failure of the Survey Corps' last mission - spat Dok. - Erwin, care to elaborate?
- Indeed, I do. Due to poor information, we entered wrongly mapped territory and were caught by surprise. Besides this, the equipment we use is old and broke, further endagering the soldiers.
- How so? - asked Pixis.
- Commander Erwin's left cable broke and he fractured an arm due to it. He was in serious danger. - I interviened.
- Refrain yourself from commenting, soldier - Dok snickered, giving me a side stare.
- Lieutenant - correct Erwin. Thanks, man. You always have my back, I smiled internally.
- That will not do.. - mumbled Pixis. - It is a disgrace to the Military Forces that a commander almost died due to faulty equipment...
- Is it even known why it broke in the first place? It's quite hard to rupture on by accident.
- No, NIle, we have no idea. - answered the blond man. - We think it might have been sabotage. - I turned to him, surprised. It was the first time I was hearing about it. Sabotage? But... who? The same person who killed the research titan subjects?
That's not good. - mumbled Pixis again, taking the flask to his lips again. - Anything else to report? How is the boy doing, Jaeger?
- We've been testing his power and training him and, so far, he's under control.
- Until he's not... - scoffed Dok.
- So Nile... I heard that the Military Police's smuggling business is going well... - started Pixis, smilling with half lidded eyes. The other man seemed to have gotten distraught and stuttered a bit before he answered.
- S-smuggling, Pixis? I have no idea of what you're talking about... I'm sure the higher-ups won't like to hear that you're accusing me of doing something like that...
- I'd do no such thing - he grinned - I was merely asking... - the rest of the meeting went rather well, ending with the discussion of an alliance between the three diferent factions. Afterwards, Pixis called me aside.
- So, Krieger, how have the past years in the Corps been?
- I've been giving it my all, Sir. I'm making the most out of your vote of trust.
- Very well. That's what I like to hear. It seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?
- Yes... - I murmured, lowering my head.
"-Martha! Come on! - screamed Nate, throwing his cables towards the now closing gate.
- We can't go now, there's still a ton of people we haven't evacuated yet! Who's going to protect them?! - I yelled, haging from one of the buildings. I heard a low groan and threw a cable towards Nate - WATCH OUT!
He turned just in time to avoid the 6m Class Titan who swung a hand at him. I cut his nape with my dirty blades and saw him fall behind me. I cleaned the sweat on my forehead. More blood... mine, from the rest of my squadron... We didn't have a chance. How was I still alive? What about the others? Reinforcements? Where are they?! I don't have time for this now!
Martha... - it was Nate, he was hanging next to me. - Come on, please. There is no use trying to fight anymore. They... won this time.
- WHAT?! The others fought until the end and you want to walk away?! Fucking shit, Nate! I can't believe that you're that much of a coward that you forget your oath so easily!
- THE WALL WAS BREACHED, EVERYONE IS DYING, WHAT'S WRONG IN WANTING TO LIVE?! I DON'T WANT TO DIE AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE EITHER!
- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF I DIE OR NOT! I'M GOING TO KILL AL OF THEM! - the images of our comrades being dismembered as they screamed in agony were too much for me, I had to do something to not feel so guilty of being alive. - If I have to die to protect the others, then be it!
- I don't want you to die... - he hugged me tight, and his tears ran down my neck, leaving a trail amongst all the dirt and blood.
- Stop being a fucking kid and do your job! - I screamed, freeing myself from the hug.
- I better find you alive on the other side, you stupid bitch - he spat, disappearing between the rooftops. I looked at the titans that kept pouring through the hole in the Wall and locked another set of blades. I ran over the roof of a house and threw myself at the back of a titan, leaving it as soon as the nape was cut. Another on appeared and I did the same. Fuck, the blade is dull already?! I locked another set and jumped to catch another. I only took on the small ones, since their size wasn't so intimidating as the others'.
Before I knew what was happenig, one of the monsters grabbed one of my cables and made me fall on the ground. For a few seconds, I had my eyes closed and rested, half passed out from shock, until I heard it's foosteps.
My eyes darted opened and my body lunged foward, getting on it's feet although stumbling. I jumped in time to escape the giant hands of one of them.
I heard a loud sound and turned to face it's origin. The inner gate! I jumped over the rooftops, avoiding the monsters until I finally saw what had happened.
A huge hole now occupied that which used to be the inner gate of Wall Maria. Oh no... Nate... I ran, screaming his name franctically, but I couldn't hear any familiar voice besides the roar of the Garrison's cannons and the groaning of the titans.
- SOMEONE HELP! PLEASE! - I finally heard a familiar voice. Please, no... I turned to the origin of the shout and saw one of the monsters lowering Nate into its mouth. I tried to reach him as fast as I could but, even as I made the beast fall to the ground, his wounds were too severe. I picked up his almos lifeless body, hugging it and staining it with bitter tears.
- Nate... what were you thinking... how did you let yourself get caught...
- I... I'm sorry... - he cought a gulf of blood, spilling it on my shirt - I don't want to die, Martha... - I saw the tears fall from his eyes and mine falling on his cheeks. - I was a coward... I should've stayed with you... Eld, he... was always my hero... today I... I failed him.. I was so affraid.. I'm so sorry. I love you, Martha.
- Nate, I should've helped you! I'm the one who needs to be sorry! Not you too... please... - I held him tight against my shaking arms and felt him relax. Pulling back, I saw his dim, lifelless eyes staring back at me. - NATE, COME BACK! - I screamed, holding him tighter. - I should've gone with you, I should've helped you, fuck! - my voice was but a whisper, nestling my head on his chest. The titans' footsteps grew louder as they approached us and I was forced to let him go.
I tried to carry his body, but the equipment refused to activate due to the excess weight. I looked at his peacefull face and took his still warm lips to mine, saying a final goodbye.
- Nate, I'm sorry... - I sobbed. Grabbing his gas tanks, I fled towards the huge whole in the gate."
- Krieger... - Pixis' voice brought me back to the present and I felt tears flowing down my cheeks. I used a sleeve to wipe them dry.
- I'm sorry, commander.
- Eh, don't worry too much. I can understand that day was very traumatic in your life.
- It was, sir.
- Those memories, those dreams you have: learn from them, child. - he peered over the wall, looking at the view outside Wall Rose. - Don't just look at them as something unhappy.
- Right, sir. I understand. - I didn't have a clear idea of what I could learn from that but I knew the commander was a man known for his ability to see beyond others.
- Lieutenant. - I heard Erwin's voice calling me.
- Dismissed, Krieger - the bald man told me, extending his hand out to me. I shook it, smiling. That man, a long time idol of mine, who had saved me from prison and death... I was forever in his debt.
- Commander, are we ready to return? - I asked Erwin, giving my horse a pat on the neck.
- Yes, we are. Goodbye, Pixis, it was nice seeing you. Nile, until next time.
- See you around - smiled the bald man. The other didn't even bother giving us a second glance, returning to the comfort of Wall Sina immediately.
- So, what did you think? - asked me Erwin.
- Boring... The only thing worthy of all this wasted time was listening to Pixis.
- You really admire him, don't you? - I nodded affirmatively. Our horses walked at a pace that allowed a conversation to take place.
- Ever since I entered the Garrison. Hearing him motivates me to push further.
- Hm... what about me?
- Oh, commander, I'd give my life for you! - I laughed but I wasn't joking. He smiled and I knew he knew that. - So, you really think it was sabotage?
- The equipment? No idea, but it's highly likely that it was.
- Could it have been someone from the Corps?
- I don't know. I do not want this to happen again. - I started to see the forest that lead to HQ.
- Last one there is a rotten egg! - I screamed, smilling.
- No way you'll ever beat me, short stuff! - we rilled up our horses and galloped throught the trees until we reached the inner border of the forest.
- I won! - I laughed.
- In your dreams...
- You're such a sore loser...
- Hey, who's commander here? Thought so. I decree that it was me.
- Always abusing your powers... honestly... - I got off the horse and took him to the stables, with Erwin by my side.
- Don't forget you still have a month's worth of stable duty and common room cleaning to do... - he casually mentioned.
- Wait, you were serious...?
- Yes, I was. Yelling at an officer of higher rank is a serious offense.
- Oi, you plan on keeping Krieger busy for much longer or what? - Levi's head appeared at the stable's door.
- No, no, corporal. Krieger, dismissed.
- Right... - I followed Levi, who walked silently towards the others from the squad.
- Very well, - he spoke, facing us - The warm up is simple. Enter the forest and take down the targets.
- Sounds easy... - commented Oluo. We formed a line and I was last but one, Petra being the last. One by one, they entered and returned about half an hour later. The course was reset between each one. Levi was counting our times with a watch. Finally, my turned arrived.
- 3...2...1..Go - he said, in his calm voice. I ran towards the trees and launched the cables, skipping of the branches. I saw the first target and, passing my it upside down, I dragged the blades through the dummy's weak spot.
The second one, I destroyed passing over it and the third as well. According to my estimate, my time should be pretty good, fast even, according to what I'd seen from the others. The fourth target approached and, as I tried touching it with the blades, it moved out of the way. Moving target, eh? Easy. I circled it and cut through the sponge without any problems.
I launched my cables again to move to the next target and heard something snap. My body started swinging fast towards the left, where one of the cables had already attached itself. I recoiled it and attached it to a branch above me, to stop my movement. Looking to my right side, I saw the pending cable, broken where the metal hook should be.
I heard a hissing sound behind me and I turned to see what it was, being struck in the back with a boot in the process. The last cable that remained gave in and I fell, rolling a few meters on the forest floor, rolling.
- Fuck... - I muttered, getting on my knees. I wasn't hurt, but the impact of the boot was rather violent; I turned to see who it was. - Levi? Fucking hell, Captain! What the fuck!
- Watch your language, brat. - he got down from the branch he landed in and pulling me up by the collar. - Don't talk to your superior like that. Why did you stop midway?
- A shitty captain you turned out to be! - I yelled near his face. I felt burning on my face and was forced to look to the right, a sharp pain radiating from my jawbone. That motherfucker punched me!... - First, you cut my cable! Then you hit me with your fucking shoe! And now you punch me? Fucking hell, sir, what kind of captain are you?!
- I didn't cut your cable, Krieger. - he put me down and I sighed, holding back my rage. He got closer and pulled both my cables. The light breeze brought his pleasant perfume to my nostrils. Shit... now this idiot smells nice...
Are you going to explain me why you clashed with me and then punched me? - I asked, my tone visibly annoyed.
- Shut up, brat. - he sc..olded me, analysing the rolled steel. - We need to check this.
- 'Shut up, brat'?! - I yelled, my voice sounding histeric. - What the actual fuck? - I pulled back my cables and pushed him, walking back towards the start of the course. - I knew I shouldn't have joined this squad. I can't work with a man like you.
- Lieutenant - he called, I ignored. - Lieutenant - his voice sounded more insisting. - FUCK, KRIEGER! ON THE GROUND!
- What?
- Floor, now! - I threw myself on the floor. He walked towards me, stopping right in front of my face.
- What the hell, corporal...?
-Zero, one, two... - as soon as he started counting, I felt myself getting hotter with anger. I did the pushups he wanted, falling exhausted on the ground when he stopped talking. - The training is on hold. Get off your ass and follow me.
- Fuck you... - I muttered, making sure he didn't hear me. I got up and walked behind him.
- Captain, what happened. Why did you take off so suddendly? - asked Eld.
- The enemy struck again. Stay here - he ordered, walking inside the building, probably to speak with Erwin.
- Are you okay, Martha? - inquired Petra, looking at my swollen face - What happened?
- One of my cables broke, I think someone cut it. - I spat, staring at Levi's silhouette, before he disappeared inside.
- And your face? - Gungther spoke, sniffing the air.
- I was in the middle of a tight maneuver when it happened and I hit a tree. - no way in hell I'd confess I was punished by the captain.
- As expected... - Oluo snickered. - If it was me there, we'd probably have the culprit on our hands...
- Oh, fuck off... - I rolled my eyes at him.
- Hearing the truth hurts...? - he laughed. I growled and grabbed him by the collar. I didn't have enought strenght to lift him but my eyes burned with rage when I pulled him to meet my gaze and he grew pale at the sight.
- I do not have patience to deal with your shit Oluo. Not. Now. - I muttered, throwing him back. The others seemed amused at his reaction. - I'm going to talk to commander Erwin.
- The captain told us to stay. - Eld stopped me.
- Fuck the captain. - I turned my back and entered the building. Heavy steps took me to Erwin's office. I opened the door with a violent swing, only to see Mr Fucker himself, Levi, there.
- Lieutenant, what's the meaning of this? - asked the commander, seeing my rabid state. - Knock properly!
- I want to know why this guy - I pointed to Levi - slammed me with his boot!
- Krieger, didn't I tell you to wait outside? - the short one asked, his expression calm and bored as usual.
- To hell with your orders!
- Lieutenant, settle down - Erwin started. - If you keep making this much noise, there will be severe consequences. - I bit my tongue and inhaled deeply. - Wait outside.
- Bu-
- IT'S AN ORDER. - he said, his voice holding back impatience. I clenched my jaw and slammed the door. Motherfucker... fuck this! Shit... Pain pulsated on the left side of my face and I started pacing back and forth in front of the door, trying to calm down. I heard it finally open and Corporal Levi passed next to me.
- After this, meet me at my office, Krieger. - I ignored him and peered into Erwin's office.
- Commander...?
- Come in and close the door behind you. - he said, with his back turned to me. His posture told me that the issue was serious and that I was fucked.
- Erwin, I-
- Silence. May I ask WHY you came into my office screaming like a wild beast? - his tone was calm and controled. Ok, I fucked up. Big time. I swallowed my rage and sighed. I didn't want to be suspended for this.
- I... acted impusively. During the training, one of my cables broke and then captain Levi hit me on the back. I was furious and I wanted to understand why.
- Let me see your equipment. - I walked towards the desk between us and loosened the belts that held the motor in place, placing it on the table. After a quick inspection, it was clear that it wasn't just normal wear and tear. - This is very bad. We need to up security.
- Right.
- I can't let what you did slide. But I can't afford to suspend you now, it would be a mistake. - I sighed in relief. - I left your punisment for Levi to decide.
- You have to be joking... That moth- I bit my tongue before I dug myself into a bigger hole.
- Consider yourself lucky. Don't forget the stables and the rest. Dismissed.
- Right, commander... - I murmured, gritting my teeth as I left, walking towards Levi's office.
- Captain? - I knocked.
- Come in. - he was standing near the window, looking at the courtyard. A series of papers were scattered on the desk. - How are you? - the question surprised me and I raised an eyebrow.
- How am I?
- I suppose Erwin told you I'm the one who's going to decide your punishment. - he moved the subject, without waiting for my previous answer.
- Yes, sir. He did. Permission to ask a question. - now, I had to be on my best behaviour, if I wanted to make them forget about this day quickly.
- Hm?
- May I know why you rammed me today? - my question was filled with bitterness but I didn't raise my voice.
- It wasn't intentional. - An accident? Yeah right... - During the exercise, I had a bad feeling and wanted to be certain of something. I wasn't expecting you to be hanging from a tree in the middle of the course. - Well... I guess now it made sense... I stopped right after a sharp turn and even to an experienced 3-d maneuver gear user it would be impossible to change directions that unexpectedly. At least he hit my back and not the head...
I see... And the pushups?
- That was because of your shitty attitude. I'm surprised you're even alive. Such a reckless person doesn't belong in my squad, so see if you get your shit together. - it's not like I asked to join your freaking squad. I bit my tongue again so I didn't talk back to him and nodded.
- Right.
- Now, you take that basket and wash the clothes in there.
- What?
- Dismissed. - I'm going to have to wash clothes? Fuck... Doesn't sound like him at all... after all, I did shout at him... hell, I don't understand this... - Lieutenant - he interrupted my train of thought - don't raise your voice to me again. - his tone sent a cold shiver down my spine and I nodded again, closing the door behind me, after picking up the basket.