Firstly, I took care of the stables. Cleaning it all up took less than two hours because, luckily, one the cadets, Sasha Blouse, was tasked with the same thing as me. I grabbed a bucket, a brush, a dust rag and, putting the captain's basket of clothes under my arm, I made my way to the cadets' common room.
It was a total mess, the volume of their voices was far too loud for me to handle. I guess it was the same every six months... I decided it wasn't a good time to try and clean the room so, I left as fast as I got there. Fuck... actually having to clean these guy's shit... No one deserves a fate like that...
- Lieutenant? - I heard a voice calling me. Turning around, my eyes met Jaegers'.
- What is it, cadet? I don't have time to slack off, follow me. - I kept walking and his footsteps matched mine, following.
- I just wanted to thank you for giving us instructions on how to do the reports.
- I don't want to have to read shit like that again. I heard you and Jean were at eachother's throats. What happened? - I approached the tank that we had in the courtyard and dumped the dirtied clothes inside. - And, since you're here, make yourself useful and pass me the soap. - Damn you, Levi...
- Well, it was about something stupid... It doesn't really matter now.
- No one hits a comrad for stupid things, cadet. - I started lathering up the captain's white shirt with the blue bar of unscented soap.
- He... commented on another cadet. - I smiled and let out a soft chuckle.
- Oh... Jaeger, I thought it was something serious. Was it about Ackerman? - I glanced at him and thought I saw him slightly blush. - I think I've got my answer...
- No, lieutenant, it's not-
- Listen, Jaeger, I really don't care about what you cadets do with eachother. I have more important things to worry about. - I dunk the shirt in the cold water and let it rest on the tank's brim. - Just don't let it affect your training performance and concentration on the field. People have died by far less.
- Yesterday was the anniversary... when Wall Maria was lost... - he mumbled.
- Don't you have anything to do? - I interrupted his musing - Because, if you need something to occupy your idle hands with, I'll find something for you to do. Just get lost, cadet. - he nodded and left me alone. I had been there during his trial and Erwin had told me a bit about the boy. It mustn't have been easy for someone so young. Finally, I finished washing all the clothes so I pinned them to que hanging rope and left them out to dry.
I had to talk to the others in my current squad. It must have left a pretty bad impression, me shouting at them and disobeying the captain out of the blue.
I went to the officials' common room, where they usually hung out and walked towards their table. Eld gave me a distrustful look and the others gave me side stares.
- Listen, I came to apologize for what happened earlier.
- You have some explaining to do, (Y/n). - the blond man spat. I sat on one of the chairs and told them what had happened.
- Hm... still, that was very unlike you, Krieger - Gunther concluded. - You're always pretty composed and you blow up for something like this?
- Well... I don't know... - yeah... he's right, that doens't sound like me. The lack of sleep is probably starting to seriously affect me, or what?... - Well, yeah, that's that. It was wrong of me to do it. But it's not going to happen again.
- And, to make up for her insolence, she's going to clean all of your rooms. - it was Levi's voice. I turned to look at him.
- I am? - his cold stare made me shiver. - I am... For how long...?
- Until I tell you to stop. - Is he for real...? You have to be fucking with me... fuck this. - Oh, and I passed by my clothes on the way here and it's not clean.
- It's not? Yes it is! I washed it just now!
- I want the shitty clothes washed. I don't want to repeat myself. Go. - he made a gesture with his head for me to stand up and get a move on. I walked out and went outside, to where the shirts were hanging, perfectly clean.
Well fuck, this IS clean! Again then... I scrubbed everything again until I was more than sure that it was absolutely spotless. Afterwards, the rooms of my teammates. I started with Petra's since she was one of the cleanest there.
It didn't take me long to finish her room but the others were far more dificult. I left Oluo's to be the last. Why does he have to have that weird colection of bugs...? I tried maintaining myself as far away from those jars but the calm waving of the tapeworms distracted me and for several times I had to stop what I was doing to calm my stomach.
I had to control myself not to throw those disgusting creatures out of the window. I sighed in relief when I was finally done. The last thing to do was clean the cadets' common room.
I'd skipped dinner to finish everything I had to do but also because I'd lost my appetite from being stuck in the same room as those demons for more than an hour. I entered the empty room and started to organize things and scrubbing the floor.
- Lieutenant, what are you doing...? - No... not now...
- Cleaning, what does it look like I'm doing, cadet? - it was Kirstein. - Are you offering to help?
- Well... I might as well do something. - he grabbed the dust rag and starting cleaning the tabletops.
- I heard something, cadet... Something about a comment on a... fellow female cadet...
- What?... Fucking Jaeger...
- Language, Kirstein - I chuckled softly - You guys... you really have nothing else to do. When I was your age... - I sighed.
- When you were our age, lieutenant? You're not that old, you're like what... 2 years older than us?
- 8 years.
- Wow... you do not look that old.
- Oy, are you by any chance implying that I'm old? - I gave a cold tone to my voice, making it sound stern.
- No, no, I apologize, mam. - I couldn't hold my laughter.
- It's so easy to scare you... I was just playing. But yes, I'm 8 years older than you. A word of advice, Jean. - he stopped cleaning and turned to face me. - You're better off forgetting about cadet Ackerman.
He blushed violently and turned his face to the table, where the piece of cloth was sitting, resuming his cleaning and remaining silent until I'd finished the floor.
- Well! - I jumped to my feet, smiling at the sight of all done. - Since you were so kind as to help me, come on, I'll pay you a beer at the bar.
- Really? Nice! - he smiled back. I imagined the cadets were already here, at least the more 'party oriented' ones. We went to a tavern close to HQ that was used almost exclusively by the Corps' personnel and I asked for something mild for Kirstein. I didn't want him to pass out on floor on my watch.
- (Y/n)! - called Gunther, mug hanging on his hand. - My room was amazing! You really aced the cleaning!
- I agree! - Eld toasted to my cleaning skills. - You should do it everyday!
- I'm probably going to... - I mumbled, sinking further into the chair. As soon as I'd stopped moving, sleep started taking over me and I bid them goodnight, returning to the maing building. During the afternoon and evening, it had been very sunny so, when I checked on the corporal's clothes, they were already dry. I folded it, and carried it in the basket.
- Captain? - I knocked on the office door.
- What is it at this hour?
- I have your clothes here. - he was sitting at his desk, hunched over some maps and scribbled notes.
- Take it to my room. - he threw a key at my feet. I nodded, picking it up and left without another word. I didn't want to risk pissing him off even more.
The room was as I'd expected it to be: clean, organized, nothing unnecessary on sight. A faint smell of pine swirled in the air, coming from a small flask and I noticed that that particular kind of leaves only occurred in the pinetrees from outside the Walls. I placed the folded clothes on a chair and locked the door behind me.
I yawned, tired from the long day I'd had but I still managed to rag myself through the hallway since I still had things to deal with. Hange had been very lenient with me ever since we got back from the mission, even though I still wanted to do research with her, I also needed time to cope with the loss of my whole squad. But now, more than a week after, I needed to get back to work.
- Captain, the key. - I passed it to him when our paths crossed on the way to Erwin's office. The same perfume touched my nostrils and I felt a slight shiver. Fuck, it smells really nice... Okay, calm down, it's just perfume... - Erwin...? - I knocked on the door and opened it slowily, entering the empty room.
My 3-D maneuver gear was still on the table and I wrote a small note stating that I was going to take the motor to clean it and check it anything else was broken but that I'd leave the cables there in case anyone wanted to examin them some more. After unlocking the mechanism, I unravelled them and left them on the table, in small coils, taking the rest with me to the repair room.
The room where the cadets had their equipments stored was the repair room. It was wide and had a series of tables with hooks and chains and all sorts of tools one might need to assemble and disassemble motors like those. I placed my on one of those tables and began to unscrew everything methodically. I thoroughly cleaned and replaced some parts that were at the end of their use span. Lastly, I hooked new cables, assembling everything again.
I yawned once more, leaning on the table. A wave of pain passed through me and I clenched my temples, massaging them. The nightmares were starting to leave marks. Furrowing my brow, I picked up the equipment and left, walking towards my room. I had to do something to help with the sleep deprivation side effects. Putting down the motor, I stopped in front of Hange's office, knocking.
- Oy, Hange, you have a sec?
- (Y/n)! Of course! - she yelled, smiling. Another officer was sitting on a chair with a bored expression, secretely grateful that I'd interrupted them. - I was just telling him what we found out with Sonny and Bean!
- I need to speak to you, outside. - I pulled her out of the room, leaving but a small slit of the door open. - I need something to sleep.
- Like a... bed?
- No, no... Something like a plant or whatever that can help me sleep a full night.
- Hm... let me see... - she went to a cupboard overflowing with small jars, picking a handfull of them and talking to herself until she found the right one. - Here - she gave me one of the flasks - chew on one of these roots before you do go sleep. Don't abuse it, if you start getting an addiction to this, you won't sleep without it again.
- I won't, thank you! - I darted out of there, carrying the glass container and the equipement with me before she could pull me into a four hour long debate. As I reached my room, I let the motor rest on a chair. The metal holsters stood on the floor, next to it and I slowly loosened the leather straps.
I undressed, contorting my muscles to stretch them before entering the bathroom and looking at my new bruises. On the middle of my back, I could see the purple and yellow stain already fully formed and, when my fingers gently brushed the skin, my muscles recoiled on their own. Furrowing my brow, I washed my back slowly, so I didn't feel much pain. I had an ointment that Hange made for me specifically for this sort of things, since I bruised myself so easily.
While I washed my hair, the memory of the pine scent came to mind and I sighed. Really...? You only noticed that Levi smells nice after 5 years? Honestly, (Y/n)... what a disgrace. It was most likely a side effect of the insomnia I was having. It was leaving me very sensitive to everything. I've never had them for such a long stretch of time in a row, usually just one or two days after a rough mission but now... it was beginning to extend a bit too much. That ends today. Finally, I'll get some rest... I closed the faucet and rolled myself with the towel, gently drying my body and tying my wet hair with some string.
As I was organizing everything, I chewed on one of the roots from the flask. It wasn't too bad, it had a neutral taste with a dirt undertone and the texture was that of a cooked potato. Finally, I could go to bed.
I pulled up the covers over my neck and closed my eyes, yawning one final time.
I woke up in a panic. What's going on?! What is it?! Are we under attack? Why is m heart racing?!. I was out of breath and I felt nauseous. I didn't even remember if I'd dreamt or not but I only had time to get up and run to the bathroom before I threw up the little food that I still had in my stomach. I slowly raised myself and gargled a bit of water, to get that acid taste off my mouth and stood there for a minute.
That fucking root... fuck... I felt dizzy and sat on the bed, resting my head between my legs. I was paying for the fact that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. I started shaking and covered my back and shoulders with the blanket, leaving my room and walking in the dark towards the kitchen.
It wasn't completely dark, there were small rectangles of light where the faint moonlight entered the windows. The stone dispersed these rays and their glow reduced the darkness.
With a hand resting on the wall, I made my way barefoot on the cold stoney floor as fast as I could. I felt myself fading and, if I didn't eat anything soon, I'd probably pass out. Not even the light that escaped the keywhole of Levi's room's door stopped me this time. As I arrived in the kitchen, I grabbed a small piece of bread and chewed slowly, throwing it up immediately.
My spasm made me lose balance and I fell onto the pot holders, scattering the metal containers all over the floor, making a ton of noise. I tried to make some tea, boiling the water over the fire. Whilst that was warming up, I cleaned my mess and sat on a small stoll, shaking, tightening my grip on the blanket. I heard footsteps and my eyes darted at the entrance.
- Ca-captain...? - I stuttered, from shaking so much, recognising the figure standing there.
- What shitty noise was this? - he asked, in a calm tone.
- Oh... I.. stumbled on the pot rack... nothing special... - I started feeling nauseous again and glance nervously at the boiling water. Was the sound so loud that he wanted to check? His room was the closest to the kitchen but still, it wasn't right besides it. I hope I didn't wake up anyone... - Sorry to have bothered you, captain... - he ignored me and walked towards the boiling water, taking it off the stove. When he took two mugs and two tea strainers, I got up and slowly stepped towards him. - I can do that, you don't have to, captain.
He gave me a side stare and poured the water on the cups, submerging the strainer in them.
- Go to sleep, (Y/n), you look like shit. - he vanished in the hallway with one of the mugs. Well, did you have to say that...? since when do I care what he thinks? I'm probably just tired... after sipping some tea, I felt the heat returning to my body and warm me up. I stopped shaking and started walking towars my room again, stopping at his door.
He did make tea for me as well... should I thank him? I knocked before I gave it a second thought and he opened it, the light coming from the inside blinding me. - What is it? - he asked.
- I just wanted to thank you, captain. - I smiled softly. My gaze, however was met with his usual cold expression.
- Don't think too much of it. I'll see you later. - he closed the door on my face. Clearly, it was a mistake. I entered my room and got into bed again, closing my eyes.
- Oy, Hange! - I called her during breakfast.
- Yeah?
- Those roots you gave me fucking sucked...
- They didn't work?
- They only made me feel worse. - she shrugged.
- I only have that for sleeping troubles. - she said. I sighed, well, I guess I'll have to deal with this alone. - Also, Erwin told me he wanted to see you in his office.
- Now?
- Yep. - I walked towards his office and knocked.
- Erwin?
- Come in, lieutenant. - he was doing some paperwork and didn't bother looking up at me.
- So, you wanted to see me?
- Yes, I've decided to send you to the camp with the cadets.
- Does it really have to be me? I'm kind of occupied with my new squad.
- You - he looked up, piercing me with his gaze - should be sucking up to me after what you did yesterday. - Oh... yeah... how could I have forgotten so soon... - You're lucky it's not something worse. Everything's been taken care of, just take them there, you know the drill.
- I don't know what could be worse... - I mumbled - and I don't want to find out. Understood, commander, I'll see you in a week.
- Dismissed. - I made my way to he courtyard, where the cadets where already lined up, not knowing what would happen.
- Good morning, cadets! - I yelled, pacing back and forth in front of the formation. - I hope you slept well because the exercise we're about to begin will last for a week and it's not going to be easy. You can go collect your bags and equipment at the repair room. Someone should be there to give your those things. Meet me at the stables after that. - they scattered and I went to my own room to get my things. During the next five days, I had to supervise a recon and hunt exercise on a marked area. A shitty job, basically. I was about half a day away on horse.
When I got to the stables, some cadets where already there, waiting for more orders.
- Lieutenant, where are we going? - Krista asked.
- Open your bag and look at the map, Lenz. - I answered roughly. I couldn't carry them forever, how was I still getting asked these kinds of questions? - Hurry up and pick a horse. This is, if you want to get there before it's dark, I don't really care... - I commented, nonchalantly. I heard them rushing behind me as I walked towards the back stall, where a black and brown horse I usually rode was waiting for me. He huffed softly when I gave him a pat on the neck. I saddled him up and took him outside, near the the wagon where all the bags and provisions would be transported.
When everyone was set to go, I started the drill, explaining the distributions that we'd use durint the trip. The main one was the one that Erwin used to do: disperse, with flares. I was on the front on starting formation, with the other cadets forming a V behind me, keeping the cart in the middle. We started in a comfortable speed, so the horses wouldn't get tired right away and I gave the task of documenting the trip to two cadets. Arlert and Lenz. The boy rode next to me and I sent her to the back of the formation to have a wider point of view.
- So, Arlert, why did you join the Corps? - I asked casually.
- Oh, well... - he was taken by surprise by my question - It was because... because I wanted to help protecting other people.
- Let's hope you succeed. - we continued in silnce for a couple of hours until we where about half way. I signalled them to start dispersing, adoption Erwin's formation for recon. I guided it with the help of green flares, galloping throught the grassland. It wasn't long before the moutains next to the canyon where we were going started appearing on the horizon.
I shot the thirt green flare, moving to the left and signalled to start recoiling the formation until it was back at the original one.
- Ok, cadets! - I yelled so that everyone could hear me. - Canter! - we began to slow down and eventually reached a comfortable pace. - The camp site is just up ahead. - Looking at the sun's position, I could vaguely tell that we still had a couple of hours to set up everything.
We stopped and each one grabbed their bags, after securing the horses on a makeshift fence that the previous group and I had left mounted. They scattered throughout the clearing, exploring a bit of the terrain.
- You're going to be separated into groups do to chores here. - I yelled, calling them to where I was. - I'll explain after. Jaeger, Arlert, Ymir, Reiner, Springer and Sasha, you guys sent up camp and take care of the tents, including mine. - I handed it over to the short blond boy - here. Ackerman, Lenz, Kirstein, Hoover, Basak, Corsini, make two campfires on the center of the campsite and take care of dinner. - a few of them started complaining but it only took a stiff glance from me to create silence. - Lenz, Arlert, come here.
- Now, lieutenant? - the boy asked.
- Yes, you'll get to work after. - they came closer. - I want your notes about the trip after dinner.
- Yes, mam. - they nodded.
- Another thing, call Jaeger and Ackerman for me, will you? - I dismissed them and, after a few minutes, the other two approached me.
- Here, mam.
- I decided to nominate you commanders of your respective groups. Throughout these five days, you're going to map the area and mark the advantage points of the region.
- Permission to speak, lieutenant. - Mikasa asked.
- Granted.
- If we have maps already, what's the point in mapping the area again?
- Good question. Outside, as you can imagine, our knowledge of the existing terrain is sparse. Even though the expeditions are frequent, most maps have many mistakes that, if unnoticed and corrected, could be fatal. The maps we gave you have mistakes on purpose. Some are easy to recognise, some... not so much. You have three days to correct them and memorize them. Two other activities will depend on how much you know about the terrain and on your use of it. Do this mapping exercise however you want to; go separately, all together, it doesn't matter. Just do that shit properly. Also, I want the major roads, attack points and, most importantly, places where you cannot use 3-D gear. At the end of each day, I expect a report of events. Dismissed.
- Lieutenant, but Armin and Krista aren't already doing that? Why do you want us to write reports as well? - asked Jaeger.
- Don't speak out of term, cadet. - I said, in a firm tone. - We may be out of the HQ but we're not on vacation.
- I apologize, 'mam.
- Anyway - I sighed - Arlert's and Lenz's notes are separate things from yours'. Just do the fucking reports and that's the end of it. Dismissed.
- Right. - they nodded, resuming the tasks I'd assigned them. Basak came to ask if they could fish to have something more substancial for dinner and, since there was a creak near by, I allowed it.
Pacing silently through the three border around our camp, I kept a watchefull eye for wild animals and other dangers. Everything seemed to be in order, so far, so I surrendered myself to my thoughts for a moment. During the last couple of years, I'd been coming to this exact site with the new cadets. In five days I connected to them, learned more about their personalities, their fears and just got along with them much more than I'd ever do, had we stayed in the main building for the entirety of their training.
But it just took two hours outside of the walls, outside of our safe zone, for more than half to die. I couldn't get used to that. I should; but it still left a small empty place in my chest. The year before, I'd been promoted to lieutenant due to my high kill count and my ability to devise strategies under pressure. Erwin was mostly responsible for the last one, since he helped me train the planning aspect of missions.
He assigned me my first squad: four people. Four people who accompanied me for a whole year wherever I went. The bonds I made with them where gone just like that; in seconds; because of a mistake on a fucking map.
Making friends and even getting into more intimate relations was a double ended sword, as I've had many occasions to notice. Humans join eachother almost involuntarily and, being in the Survey Corps, those friendships are constantly hanging by a thread. I tried not to think of them, knowing that it was always going to be like this. Some live, some die and new ones would always come in to fill their shoes but it was hard.
It was fucking hard being the only one who'd survived and they where still too young to be dead. The look their families gave me when I had to tell them haunted me, engraived on the back of my mind. Maybe that was why I still had those nightmares... I blamed myself for not noticing earlier. I should've been more observant.
I'd asked Erwin not to assign me another squadron for the time being. I couldn't bear to feel that failure burning my chest again and weight on my body. I knew it was childish and selfish of me and he knew it as well but he also knew how it was to feel what I was feeling; losing the first team and how it hurt. As a personal favour, I guess, he postponed the assignment. Also, maybe because of Levi's invitation to his own team.
I had to talk to the commander about it. It was my duty towards humanity to sacrifice everything, even my sanity. Atleast to honor those who had already died for it. If that meant I'd lead a smaller group when my current team wasn't needed, and eventually dig their graves' as well, the be it.
- Lieutenant? - it was Kirstein. - Dinner is almost ready. We're about to discuss the plans for tomorrow.
- Very well. So what? - I spat, suddenly pulled out of my thoughts. He didn't sound intimidated with my tone. Well, it would be hard to, since he towered about 20cms over my head. - I don't need to hear your plan. But - I sighed - if you insist.
We walked towards the blazing firepits, where the other cadets were already talking and scribbling on their maps. The scent of roasted fish filled my nostrils and a medium size pot rested of the fire, hanging from the harness. The two pits burned slowly, waving with the breeze. The pot probably had stew of something.
- So, what you planning on doing tomorrow? Ackerman? - I sat by the others.
- We were thinking about starting with them main roads and go from there. The plan was to meet Eren's group near here - she showed me a small hill in the central region of the map. It reminded me of something.
- Hm, sounds like a plan. Take the flares in case you run into any trouble. I forgot something very important: you need to set the traps around the camp. After you eat, do that. Jaeger, your plan?
- We're going to sweep the whole region to correct some of the major mistakes. After that, it's what Mikasa said. - the stew was done. We started serving ourselves. This is pretty good... I wish I could cook like this, damn.
- I must confess, whoever did this know what they're doing - I mentioned, watching the cadets' lips curled into smiles at my unexpected compliment. - I'm going to divide you into smaller groups for future purposes. Alpha Team: Jaeger, Kirstein and Ackerman. Beta: Arlert, Reiner and Corsini. Charlie: Ymir, Blouse and Lenz. Delta: Hoover, Basak and Springer. Alpha takes the first watch. Switch every hour and a half. Last to wake up comes to me in the end. I'll finish the night. You can change the order if you want between groups, I don't care, but set some kind of order. In two hours, I want lights out, goodnight. - they said goodbye and I entered my tent.
It was the same style as the cadets' but my name was sewn on the entrance. Usually, after you graduated from cadet, you sew your own identification to your tent, bags, etc, in case something happened and you ended up unrecognisable. I loosened the straps of my gear and stored them in a corner, next to the motor and metal holsters, stepping outside to catch a bit of the night air.
I sat by one of the fires, away from the cadets, with eyes half closed, and waited for Armin and Krista to give me their reports, leaning against a log to read them. Little by little, the people started to wander off to their tents and the air fell quieter. After the two hours had passed, only Kirstein, Springer, Ackerman, Arlert and Jaeger where left, talking.
I gave them a glance from where I was and felt a slight sting in my chest, that I tried to supress. A nostalgic feeling took over me as I was reminded of the fact that it was my squad and I's task to take the cadets here and that just six months earlier, I'd been here with them for the second time but the first time as a team. Lee, Sanchez, Kayla and Jake... They always wanted to talk until the small hours and then complained that they were tired the next morning. I used to laugh at this.
Looking at the cadets now reminded me so much of them, of those moments, unworried of what happened beyond the walls and, at that time, I could almost do the same and forgot how it really was out there. It was my fault. I can't let that happen again.
- Oy, what did I say? Lights out, come on - I walked over to them. - Arlert and Springer where the first to leave to their tents, leaving us there. - You three, pick a good spot for the watch and split up to cover a large area but not too much that you can't help eachother in case you need to. That is my tent - I pointed - If shit goes south, wake me up. Remember, these exercises are meant to build trust so you both, Jaeger and Kirstein, if I even dream that there problems, you'll see what suffering trully is. - I threatened. - Good night, kids. - I raised my hand in a goodbye gesture, my back already facing them. Without noticing, a small smile hanged on my lips. I used to say this to them... Lee and Jake... always at eachother's throats.. I walked towards my tent. - If you want to switch, talk to the others.
There wasn't any point in putting on pijamas, so I just took off the coat and the shoes before I laid down. I nestled on the sleeping bag, reading the notes Erwin had left on the wagon for me to take. It talked about what needed to be done on the following days. Eventually I was lulled to sleep by the wind rocking the top of my tent.