"Lindsay decided that Avery's consequence for that little episode would be to not come to family dinner. There was much kicking and screaming, but we didn't back down. So Lindsay stayed home with her and I am sure they are avoiding each other as much as possible."

"Wow," Austin sighed, stirring the pot on the stove and shaking her head. "What is going on with that girl?"

"Not sure."

"So are you guys going to try for family pictures again or are you just going to buy the ones with Avery screaming?"

"I don't know. I wanted to ask but Lindsay was so ticked I figured it's a conversation for way later."

"Like on the seventh of never?"

"That's what I was thinking."

"Are you doing okay with all this?" Austin asked, leaving the stove to grab something out of the fridge.

"I'm not okay with it. You mean am I dealing with it?"

"Yeah."

"I'm trying. Linds wants me to think about talking to someone. She says I don't trust myself and that's not good."

Austin shook her head contemplatively then leaned against the counter next to him, stealing his glass of water and finishing it off.

"Sometimes I wonder if we think we're going to be like our fathers because we keep hearing "break the cycle" over and over again, but really we're at no more risk than anyone else. Initially I mean."

"Like, if we hadn't been told so much not to do it, it wouldn't be in our heads that we might?"

"Yeah."

He shrugged and took the glass back from her, spinning the ice-cube around in the bottom while he thought.

"Sometimes when she throws tantrums like this, I get a voice in my head saying "don't be like him, don't be like him." And I'm focusing so hard on not being him that I forget I'm supposed to be correcting her behavior. So then I feel like a failure in a totally different way. I broke one cycle and started another."

"You're a good dad, Adam whether you feel like it every waking moment or not."

"Thanks."

She reached up and squeezed his shoulder, feeling a moment pass between them that no one else would ever understand.

"Avery's pushing her boundaries and testing you right now. She's going to figure out soon enough that all these consequences don't add up to fun, just like the boys did. Unfortunately for Avery, she's about ninety percent Lindsay and that kind of stubbornness gets stronger with every generation. I mean, look at Isa."

Adam chuckled.

"I think our kids, no matter what kind of bad genes they have, are also blessed with some pretty good ones. What's that you and Lindsay say? Strong of bone, sly of wit."

"Yes that's true," Austin laughed. "Although sometimes I wish the kids weren't so sly of wit. Makes it hard to send them to their room when they crack me up."

"Yeah, you try punishing Ben when he says the things he says."

"At least you don't back down. I've watched you send him to his room and start cracking up when he's out of earshot."

"See, that's the difference between Avery and the boys. They might argue a little but they take their punishment. She fights and screams and acts like she's trying out for The Exorcist on Broadway or something. It's really kind of frightening how she gets."

"Do you think there's something actually wrong with her?"

"No, I think she's just found out how to get attention. And I kind of think that maybe she feels like she's left out. All the other kids get to go to school and she doesn't."

"She has her tumbling class though."

"She does. But it's not the same. She packs a backpack every night and puts it by her bed like the boys do."

"Have you thought about putting her in preschool?"

"Yeah. We want to wait until she's potty-trained a little better. And we don't want to do it now so she sees it as a reward."

"You guys sit up late at night and talk about your kids while Danny and I sit up and talk about the Yankees."

"Parenting styles. I never believed the hype."

"I thought there was just good and bad. I figured I would create a bell curve and fall in the middle."

"You're not in the middle. Unless cooking skills are taken into account."

"Just because my kids subsist on peanut butter and jelly and your kids are specific about what kind of salad they like doesn't give you license to mock me. Besides, I've heard of your cooking skills dear sir."

"Okay fine."

She chuckled and patted his knee before moving back to the stove where the soup she'd spent all day on was just about to overcook.

"It'll be okay, Adam. She'll grow out of it and when she starts dating you'll look back and wish for the tantrums again."

"Thanks for the perspective, Scrap."

"Daddy do we really have to go to bed already?" Ben asked for the fourth time as they made their way inside a few hours later. "We only just gotted home."

"I know, but it's late. Go up and get ready."

The boys obeyed, whispering as they went up the stairs to their bedroom. Avery's crying could be heard through the whole house, and Adam wondered how long she'd been carrying on this time. If she'd broken her two hour record, he was seriously considering permanent ear plugs. He opened her bedroom door and found her on her bed, staring at the ceiling and crying for Sarah.

"Hey sweetie," he started, sitting down next to her.

"Want my Sarah," she blubbered, sitting up and wiping her eyes. "Mama say no."

"Your consequence was to stay home tonight. I'm sorry you didn't get to see Sarah, but you did get to talk on the phone."

"She not love me."

"Sarah doesn't love you?"

"No!"

Adam shook his head and hugged his daughter tightly. Sarah had been distraught about the phone call too. She'd just called to say hi to Avery and talk to her for a few minutes and he wasn't sure what exactly had been said but by the end of the call Sarah was crying, saying that Avery was too upset to talk to. Adam had tried to get the story out of her, but she'd just shaken her head and climbed into his lap, refusing to say a word. They'd work it out, he was sure, but he didn't like seeing Sarah so upset, especially when it had been Avery's fault.

"Of course Sarah loves you. She was just upset about whatever you two argued about."

"I not wanna be mean to Sarah. I so sorry!"

"Let's call her in the morning and you can tell her you're sorry."

"I can?"

"Yes you can. Where's mama?"

"She say time for bed."

"So she put you to bed?"

"Yes. Then… I not know."

"Okay. Why don't I tuck you back in and I'll see you in the morning."

She sniffled and shook her head, but was so tired from the day that she didn't protest when he put her down and tucked the blankets tightly around her.

"Goodnight Averylin. I love you."

"Love you daddy."

After checking on the boys and tucking them in, Adam went upstairs and found Lindsay in the bathroom. The tub was filled with bubbles and she was sitting there serenely with her eyes closed and her head tipped back against the back of the tub while candles flickered from different corners. She must have broken out the aromatherapy ones because he could definitely smell eucalyptus and mint, which meant she'd needed a little stress relief.

"So how was your night?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her softly.

"Mm," she answered, keeping her eyes closed.

"Did you know Avery was crying?"

"I had the baby monitor on."

"Honey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. What happened?"

"She broke the grandfather clock," Lindsay sighed, finally opening her eyes.

"What? How?"

"She was mad that she didn't get to go to dinner and I told her that she could be mad as long as she wanted and when she was done she could come in and have something to eat. I left her in the living room and a few minutes later I heard glass breaking. She threw a toy and it hit the clock and broke the glass on the front."

"Oh babe," he sighed, reaching over to wipe away the tear that was starting down her cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'll get it fixed. I just feel like the worst mother on the planet for not figuring out why she's acting like this."

"You're not. We'll figure it out together."

"After I put Avery to bed I went and checked my e-mail and the photographer had sent me a picture from this afternoon. It was before Avery had her melt-down. We all looked so happy. And all it did was make me sad."

He sighed and knelt down on the bathmat, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She sniffled a few times and he kissed her while he thought of what to say.

"Did you eat yet?"

"No, I was mad about the clock."

"Why don't you finish up in here and I'll make you something and then we can talk things over until you feel better and we'll go to bed and I'll let you have most of the blankets."

She smiled at that and he kissed her once more before standing up.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not hungry and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Can we just go to bed?"

"Sure sweetie. I'll meet you up there in a little while."

"Aves? Can I talk to you?"

Avery looked up from her toys and smiled at Colton, nodding her head enthusiastically.

"Come sit, Coley. Sit by me an' play toys."

He gave her a little grin and sat down on the floor, taking the stuffed animal she offered him and joining in her game for a few minutes.

"Hey Aves?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love you a lot."

She giggled and crawled over the floor to hug him.

"I love you Coley. You so nice for play toys."

"Well, I do like playing with you because you come up with some crazy things."

She smiled and went back to her toys while he sighed and reached over to play with one of her curls.

"Aves, I don't think you are a baby."

"Nope, I not. I big girl."

"Yeah. That's how come I think it's time for me to tell you the truth."

"What's that?"

"The truth? Remember how mama explained to you about a lie?"

"Yes."

"Well the truth is the real story, without lies."

"Oh. Okay."

"Can you stop playing for just a minute so I can tell you the truth?"

She nodded and folded her hands in her lap, looking up at him with a small smile on her face.

"Aves, here's the thing. When you get mad and cry a lot, that makes mama real upset. Did you know that?"

"No Coley. I upset."

"Well I know that. Because you get mad huh?"

"Yes! Yes I do."

"Well that makes mama and daddy very sad. Because they want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you to do a favor for me?"

"Okay!"

"Could you try not to get so mad? Just try. Maybe a good idea would be to take a deep breath when you get upset."

"Oh. Coley, I try for you. Make you happy."

"I know you will try. And maybe, when you're upset, you could use your words to say it, like a big girl. Instead of crying."

"I try so most."

"Even if you don't do it right I will still love you so much because you are my little sister."

She blinked several times then closed her eyes tightly before scrambling into his arms, taking the hug he was offering.

"I want be good," she confessed, starting to cry. "I just be mad an' naughty. I most bad girl."

"Hey Aves, you aren't a bad girl. You're not. You're really good mostly, and you're funny and smart and… well, you're my sister and I love you!"

She took a few deep breaths and calmed down while he hugged her.

"Avery, mama and I need you to come downstairs please!"

She sniffled and Colton wiped her eyes before helping her up from the floor.

"I'll come with you and hold your hand okay?"

"Thanks Coley."

They went downstairs together to the living room where Lindsay and Adam were sitting on the couch.

"Colton, why don't you go into the other room while we talk to your sister."

"No Coley stay please!"

"Aves, I can't. Remember you're a big girl. You can talk to mama and daddy by yourself. Remember to try."

She whimpered and nodded and he gave her one last hug before going into the other room.

"Avery come sit over here with us. We want to talk to you."

She walked over to the couch climbed up between them, feeling her skin growing hot and her stomach starting to get rumbly. She didn't like being in trouble and it seemed like she'd been getting in a lot of it lately.

"Averylin, mama told me about you breaking the clock last night."

"I so sorry."

"We know you're sorry about that. But we need to take the clock in to be fixed and you need to pay for it."

"With money?" she asked, thinking of the piggy bank upstairs in her room that was full of pennies. She didn't want to give those pennies away.

"Yes. We will take the money out of your piggy bank and use it to fix mama's clock."

"It my money."

"It's mama's clock and it is your fault it's broken. If mama broke something that was special to you, wouldn't she have to pay money to fix it?"

"Yes daddy."

"Okay. In a little while you and I are going to go together to get the clock fixed. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Last night you told me you were a big girl now," Lindsay started, tucking Avery's hair behind her ear. "So daddy and I decided that it's time for you to have big girl consequences."

"Uh-oh."

"Your consequence that daddy and I agreed on is that you are grounded from tumbling class."

"Oh no!" she wailed, dropping her face into her hands and starting to cry. "I love to tumble!"

They didn't bother telling her that the class was already over for the holidays, it had just been a convenient punishment that drove the point home.

"After your birthday and after Christmas you will be able to go back to your tumbling class. You're not grounded forever Avery."

"I mad!"

"It's okay to be mad. But Avery, the things you do have costs. Do you know what that means?"

"No."

"When you do something wrong and something bad happens like breaking mama's clock, you have to make it better. That's why it's called a consequence."

"I pay money for clock."

"Yes, that's right."

"But why no tumblin'?"

"We took away your tumbling class because you continued to throw fits last night, even after you had a consequence."

"Oh."

"Daddy and I want you to be happy, Avery."

"That what Coley say. Tell me to try be good."

"However you feel is okay. What is not okay is acting rude and disrespectful and disobeying. Big girls don't do that. Do you understand?"

"Yes mama. I sorry I break clock!"

"I forgive you honey."

Avery cried and climbed into Lindsay's lap, settling there and letting her tears flow freely for several minutes.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Averylin. Are you going to try to be a good girl from now on?"

"Yes! I try, I try!"

"Good. That makes me happy."

"Avery, why don't you sit here with mama for a bit and I'll go get your pennies and then we can go and take the clock to get fixed."

"Okay daddy," she whispered, wrapping her arms around Lindsay's neck and weaving her fingers through her hair. She felt so much better now, sitting there with her mama instead of being so mad and yelling at her. All she wanted now was her mama and daddy and nothing else. She didn't even care about her consequences anymore.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Most sorry."

"I know you are honey. And I forgive you and I love you. Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you, okay?"

"Mama love me forever?"

"Forever and ever and ever."

"Oh good! I so worried."

"You don't ever have to worry."

He'd never really enjoyed talking about his father in depth, and even if he was very open about his feelings, that didn't mean he enjoyed talking about them with a therapist. It wasn't like Emily was a stranger; she'd been there to counsel Lindsay for years, they'd gone to her together, and even Colton had a few sessions with her. But he'd always been very exclusive about who he shared his past with, and he wasn't sure how to talk about things with anyone outside that close circle.

"When it comes down to it, are you worried about abusing your kids, or are you worried that you're not the perfect father?"

He chuckled wryly.

"You make it sound like it's one or the other."

"You think it's one or the other."

He was quiet for a moment, looking at his hands and trying to figure out how to put it into words.

"I don't want my kids to ever look back and think that I did something wrong. It's okay to make mistakes, but I don't want them to think that was normal for me. I would like to be a dad to my kids without ever worrying about being like my father. I don't even want it to come up."

"You still don't feel like you're free from your father."

"No, I don't. What he did has affected me more as an adult than it did as a kid."

"Do you want to know why I think that is?"

"Go for it."

"I think that as a kid it was something that happened to you, and you didn't fully understand how wrong and hurtful it was until you became a dad, and everything he had ever done flew in the face of what you discovered fatherhood to be. It wasn't just wrong because it hurt. You found out what it means to love your child, to want to raise them to be good people, and what you're afraid of isn't really making a mistake. What you're afraid of is failing altogether. So when the kids act out, you automatically worry about what you're going to do not because you were abused, but because your father didn't raise you not to be like that. You overcame it on your own."

"So you're saying it's not foundational for me."

"Exactly. That's why people talk about it being so hard to break the cycle. Because no matter how much you don't want to do it, it's not instinctive to do it right. You had to learn how, go against what was ingrained in you as a child."

"That makes sense."

Emily nodded gently and looked down at her notes for a minute, then back up at him her face quizzical yet non-judgmental.

"Adam, I have to ask, even though I know the answer. Do you feel like you are a danger to your kids?"

"No, I don't."

"Okay. How often do you talk to Lindsay about your struggles with this?"

"Not very often. I try to let it go as soon as it comes up but sometimes… I guess I tell her about it when I feel like I need to talk. Most of the time I'm fine not hashing it out."

"Any chance you could try and talk about it more?"

He shook his head then stopped and thought about it for a moment before going back to a negative response.

"I don't want it to become who or what I am. I don't want to be constantly dwelling on it. I don't want the people I confide in to get so bored with it that they don't listen when I really need it."

"I'm not trying to get you to talk about it all the time. I just think it might be a good idea to check in with yourself every few days about how you feel. Talk to Lindsay, let her know moments where you worried and times when you didn't. You'll start to pinpoint the specifics and eventually it will get easier to not think about your father when you're dealing with your kids."

"Is it normal for people in my situation to feel this way?"

"I've seen ranges of emotions from people in your situation, but for someone as stable as you are, yes, this is normal. You have to remember that getting out of his house, or turning 18, or moving away didn't fix what he'd done. It's always there, it's a fact and it doesn't go away. You're never going to make it go away no matter what you do. But what you can do is banish it so far from your mind that you don't let it influence you day to day. You've learned valuable lessons from it, and in kind of a roundabout way it makes you a better father than most. You value your children in a different way than people who grew up in a happy home. Everyone has parenting struggles. This is yours."

He nodded and let her words sink in for a while, thinking about the kids and how he would make sure that his mistakes weren't the norm, that it wasn't what they remembered someday when he was gone.

"Can I ask your personal opinion on something?"

"You can ask."

"Lindsay and I want to adopt in a few years. Do you think we're fit parents?"

"Yes. I would recommend you for any kind of adoption."

"My past isn't going to work against us? Her depression?"

"You've proven that you're different than your father. Lindsay hasn't shown signs of lasting depression in several years, right?"

"She has her days, but nothing lasting, no."

"There would be no reason for you to not become adoptive parents in my opinion. Just because you struggle with one thing doesn't mean you struggle with it all."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Adam, I want you to remind yourself what a good father you are. Because the kids you have, they didn't just happen. The two of you are good parents and you're raising them to be the way they are. Don't focus on the rough patches because when you look down and your child, that's not what you see."

"No, it's not."

"Then when they look at you, that's not what they'll see either."

For the first time in his life, it was like every worry he had was making sense, every hurt had a purpose, every scar had a lesson and every setback had forward motion.