NOTE: HAPPY CANADA DAY! In celebration, here's more adventures of CanadAnna Mayberry (I mean it's what I was going to post anyway, but it's a fun coincidence)
~ Chapter Thirty ~
The word "shock" was the closest one to describe Anna's reaction to her friend's proclamation. It was inadequate, but more accurate than "surprise" or "hurt". She just couldn't believe Elsa could say something like that to her.
"Stop… what, stop being friends?" she finally forced herself to whisper, voice weak. "Wh-what are you talking about?"
"I can't do this."
"Am… did I really… have I screwed up this much, this fast?" Anna could feel her head spinning, her knees weak. There was nothing nearby to hold onto, to brace herself against.
She was going to lose Elsa. Just because they had a few misunderstandings! That couldn't happen, it could NOT. She was going to throw up, or faint, something was going to-
"No, no," Elsa clarified, her expression pained. "You haven't done anything! It's me. I… told you I was bad at friendship. And you told me it didn't matter, so I thought, 'Okay, here's my last chance. I can do this!' And… it turns out, I can't; I'm so bad at it that I hurt anyone I try to be friends with. Y-you deserve better. Better treatment, better friends…"
This wasn't any less painful to hear. However, it was enough of an improvement that Anna could recover herself, could concentrate again. Elsa feeling as if she let her down was something she could refute, could speak out against; at least she had a clear direction for her protests now.
"That isn't true, Elsa! I… I know it feels like it to you, after what just happened earlier today, but stuff like this has happened with me and Kristoff before. Honest! You just, you try to do the right thing, and sometimes it's not. Live and learn, right?"
"But you were so disappointed in me. I could see it in your eyes; how angry and disgusted you were." Now Elsa's slender fingers were worrying the hem of her cover-up, anxious and ill at ease. This was not a conversation she wanted to have, that much was clear. Maybe Anna should have left her in solitude.
"Not disgusted. Just angry, and worried about Mulan." Trying a weak smile, she went on ahead, "B-but you were right about something. You defending me was the right thing to do, since we're friends! You just… did it a little more, um… firmly than you should have, I guess. So you didn't screw up that bad, okay?"
"I did. Because… you don't understand why I pushed so hard. Why I cut Mulan down with a chainsaw instead of just siding with you, and letting you defend yourself." Pressing both hands into her face, she turned away from Anna completely.
"Elsa… talk to me. Just talk, say whatever you're thinking. We can work through it, I absolutely promise you."
A few seconds later, Elsa turned back, cheeks wet. The orange sunlight caught the reflections and Anna hated how beautiful she found it. Seeing Elsa cry shouldn't be beautiful, but then again, everything Elsa did was beautiful. Even crying.
"I didn't have any right to be jealous, did I? That you were chilling with Mulan. But I was. You went to the party with her, had a full day with her before that, and… I resented her for getting time with you that I didn't. Which is stupid, I know. So then, when it turned out that she had hurt you during that time… I got so furious that I could hear it. Could taste it. How dare she take time with Anna, the most precious of commodities, and… and waste that! Squander it away instead of- of treating you like you deserve to be treated!"
The only thing Anna could get out in reply was "What?" She had more to say, probably, but it wouldn't come. Not even into her mind, let alone out of her mouth.
"And it wasn't until you looked at me like I was filth that I realised: I was doing the same thing. I was squandering your time, by… by dragging you to clubs, and ordering you carpaccio, and doing all these things you probably didn't want to do. And… and I'm so selfish about you, which I can't understand. Why should I care if you have a date? Didn't I help you land the date in the first place?"
Anna couldn't bear it anymore. Maybe Elsa wanted space, but the pain in her voice, the crippling terror in her eyes, it wasn't something she could ignore just because they were in mid-discussion. She started walking forward.
"NO! No, j-just stay away, and… and you'll be safe!"
"Safe? From what, you?" Laughing, she took another step closer. "You're not going to hurt me. And you haven't; even if you think you are, that isn't even close. Not by a mile."
"Not physically!" But Anna was already within one more step, so she flinched backward, wrists crossing in front of her chest and clutching at the shoulders of her crocheted top. "But emotional scars can… can last, Anna!"
Unable to help herself, she put a hand on her hip. "And how do you think you're going to 'scar' me? You have been one of the most incredible friends I've ever had! And you want to pull the plug just because… what, you're worried I'll get my feelings hurt? That you won't treat me like a friend should once in a while?"
"YES!" Elsa burst out urgently.
"Oh yeah?" Still going for flippancy, hoping it would show Elsa that she didn't share her worries, she said, "And how are you gonna treat me? Like an enemy?"
"LIKE A GIRLFRIEND!"
The wind picked up at that instant, and both Anna and Elsa hunched down against it, shivering despite how balmy it had been before the shift. Before the air between them was stirred.
"A… wait, what are you saying?"
"I don't know! I… Anna, I think I'm losing my mind!"
Eyebrows knitting, Anna took another step - and Elsa retreated, just far enough to maintain their distance. "Would you hold still?! GOD!"
"It isn't right for me to… why can't I stop these thoughts? These intrusive, strange, unwelcome thoughts about you? I'll go hours without having one, and then I'll look over…" Her eyes squeezed shut, and she shivered again. "How could I let my overactive imagination taint what we have?"
"Elsa, you're talking like… you have some kind of crush on me." Then she laughed. "Come on, this… this isn't funny. Maybe you thought it would be because I'm gay, but it's not. Good try, though."
Elsa didn't reply. A few seconds went by. Then Anna breathed, "Please, enough. If you're kidding, I really will be upset now."
Silence. There was only the two of them standing there, Elsa still as a statue, as if the slightest movement would unmake her.
"Elsa, what's… why aren't you saying anything?"
"It isn't right," she repeated softly. "I didn't have any thoughts like this when I assumed we were both straight. Why should I after I spent the night on your bundle bed?"
"Trundle," Anna corrected automatically. She wasn't able to stop herself; her brain was too full of questions, and voices telling her not to ask those questions.
"You telling me you were a lesbian, I felt it change things right then, but then forgot about it. For a while." She gulped and pressed a hand against her eyes, knuckles turning white from the amount of pressure she was exerting. "And that's intolerable! It shouldn't have made any difference! I tried, I tried so hard to not let finding that out change how I thought of you, a-and even though it didn't, it did, too! That… I sound crazy, I know, but while we got to be better friends, I also… started thinking… started feeling…"
"Oh my GOD," Anna said in a hoarse whisper. "You're not kidding. You're not playing a really weird prank on me, this is…" Her arms slid to cover her stomach. "Elsa, n-no, you can't be serious! Why me?!"
"Because you're perfect! You're the only one I…" Gulping, she lowered her hand, eyes wide as she gazed at the sunset, as if hoping it would burn her away and leave no trace. "You'll think I'm so pathetic if I tell you that a girl I've only spent about a week's total time with is my best friend in the entire world! And it is pathetic! I'm surrounded by other celebrities, fans and peers and producers, and I sh-should be able to connect with some of them, but I can't! No one except you!"
Unable to help herself from asking, Anna raised a finger as she did so. "That girl is, um, me, right? Just… just need to be clear before we move on."
Elsa ignored that. "And I was so excited, so happy to have someone like that, until I started figuring out that I was getting jealous over Mulan, and territorial with Esmé, protective when Meg was being a bitch, and… it didn't feel like a friendship anymore. It felt like an obsession." She took a deep, slow breath. "I don't own you. I don't want to own you, I… but I got so mad at them, and it felt right. Like I needed to protect you. Protect you so I could have you all to m-myself."
"All to yoursel-"
"I'm so disgusting. Possessive. And I've never felt like this over anyone before. I hate it." The tears were flowing even more freely than before. "I d-didn't think I could get like this. Anna, I am so sorry, I wish I could… go back, stop myself from doing those things! Treat you the way you deserve, and not… not take our friendship and ruin it by overthinking every single little thing!"
Anna was gripping Elsa's shoulders. The pop star tried to pull away, but Anna wasn't letting go; she pulled her in, pushing the back of her head so Elsa could cry into her shoulder. Which she did. The strong hands moved around to slide up and down Elsa's back as she shushed her, felt how much the racking sobs made the back under her hands shiver and convulse.
Elsa had a crush on her. ELSA, The Elsa… no. Just Elsa Valentine, her friend. "The Elsa" was nothing more than a persona, an image she had deified once upon a time. This woman was real, and deep and loving, even if she was so confused that she was in danger of despising herself completely. The kind of self-loathing that took root and stayed with a person.
"Shhhh, it's okay," Anna breathed a couple of minutes later. "I got you. I'm right here, it's okay."
"NO!" Elsa burst out in a raw scream. "Get away! I… you don't want this! You don't want me in your life!"
"Of course I do!" She wanted to shout back at her, but she knew Elsa wouldn't quite hear her meaning right now. She would only hear the anger. So she forced herself to speak gently. "Elsa, please, you haven't-"
"Don't try to tell me I haven't messed up!" she warned in a feral growl, shaking her head so violently that Anna had to lean her own in the opposite direction. "I did! My brain won't work right, I c-can't just love you as a friend! I'm worse than Mulan!"
Against her will, Anna laughed at the last comment. "So we're back to saying Mulan's the devil, huh?"
"NO! No, I don't mean that, either, I… ughhh! I'm such a mess! I HATE THIS!"
"It's okay, it's okay," Anna hurriedly soothed her, kissing the side of her head where she could reach and rocking her gently. At least Elsa had finally slid her own arms around Anna's back, instead of keeping them crossed between them. One barrier was down. "You're my friend. Elsa, you're my friend, forever. Forever."
"What? You… you can't promise that! Stop! Don't tease me!"
"I'm not teasing! I'm never, ever going to stop being your friend, okay? Even if your feelings are… what you said, that's okay! It doesn't mean I'm going to hate you! S-so please, don't feel so bad, don't put yourself all the way down in the scum-pits over me! Not when I'm… I'm fine! I'm not mad at you now, I wasn't even that mad to begin with!"
"But you yelled." Her own voice was so petulant that Elsa immediately growled, "Wow, what am I, five?!"
"You're Elsa. You're the beautiful, thoughtful, compassionate, talented woman that… that can mess up sometimes, but it doesn't mean she's broken, it doesn't mean…" Anna felt her own tears starting now, but she sniffed to hold them at bay. It wasn't her turn, not yet; she had to take care of Elsa first. Had to make sure she knew. "I'm here. I'm never giving up on you, and I'm not 'disgusted' by your feelings. Just… surprised!"
"You're surprised!" Elsa burst out. "I'm straight! Why do I keep having these thoughts about you when I don't even like girls?!"
"You don't really like guys, either," Anna observed. When Elsa stilled, just barely sniffling, she pressed, "Or so you've told me. Right? You've never had a date that you actually enjoyed."
"I… I know. And I have thought about that a f-few times since…" She trailed off, but Anna assumed she meant "since the feelings for you started"; it only followed the train of logic. "Do you… I mean, you said you were born the way you are, so why would I spend all my life thinking I'm straight, and then… and then this? Isn't that wrong? Isn't that ridiculous, like…"
Anna gave her a little extra squeeze. "Not ridiculous. Some people figure it out later than others. Doesn't mean they 'turned' gay, just that they didn't figure it out before. And yeah, sometimes people do change, they go through something and they have a new appreciation for the same sex, or a different kind of music, or… I mean, I don't know. But I don't think you're lying, or that you were lying before, if that's what you're trying to ask."
"I wasn't," she whispered softly, pleading. "Not to you. I d-didn't mean to, anyway… if I did."
"But I don't get it; I haven't noticed you, like… trying to hit on me, or anything. So where is all this 'I might like you as more than a friend' coming from?"
"You didn't?" Elsa drew back finally, and Anna felt a pang at how forlorn and messy her face was. Still beautiful, but coated with grief. "You didn't see me looking at your boobs when your dress fell, or… what about all the times I was so jealous? Or how I kept trying to spoil you? I would tell myself those didn't mean anything, b-but you're the one who's already gay, so when I figured it out, I just assumed…"
"What, that I would know by default?" She grinned and giggled, and Elsa ducked her head - so she hugged her again to apologise for the laughter. "No, no. It's okay. I, um… I might have picked up on that stuff if I've ever dated anyone before. Literally anyone; I'm such a homebody. Kristoff's always teasing me when I check out girls at the mall and never make a move. Saying, 'What's the point in coming out of the closet if you never do anything once you're out?' He's such a jerk sometimes."
"Okay, see… now I feel like I should call him up and lecture him about letting you do things at your own pace. But I think I'm… overreacting?" She looked at Anna for confirmation.
"Yes, that's not necessary," she told her, and Elsa nodded glumly. "But! But it feels nice that you would, okay? Just like with Mulan; once I got past that you went too far, I realised you were doing it because you didn't want anyone to put me down like that. Which is such a good thing! Y'know, um, in moderation."
As she felt Elsa nodding more against her shoulder, she stood there in silent wonder. There she was, some random girl from Canada, having to explain to one of the most popular women on the planet how to navigate a friendship. And she was no expert herself! She wanted to scream, and laugh, and fall over onto the dirt and flop around in mingling frustration and joy.
But not from Elsa's feelings. No, that was a whole other matter she wasn't sure if she should unpack just yet. If ever.
"Come on," she whispered as she slid an arm around her back. "I'll drive you back to the house. Um, if you can tell me how to get there."
"I have GPS on my phone. Isn't that… I mean, do people actually memorise directions anymore?" They both laughed. "But, um… thank you for coming to find me. Even though I promise you, I would have come back on my own eventually."
"Yeah, to kick me out of the house. Or were you gonna let me sleep out by the pool?"
"What?! No way!" Realising the misunderstanding, Elsa closed her eyes for a moment before opening them to say, "Anna, I was going to get a hotel room! Do you really think I'd be the one to drag you all the way to this island, and then be so petty as to kick you out?"
Anna dipped her head slightly as they climbed through the bushes toward the car. "Oh. Um, I guess I was just thinking about it being your house…"
"It's your house, too. For as long as you're ever in Ibiza. That is an Elsa Valentine Promise."
"Ooh, an Elsa Valentine Promise! Those are super rare, huh?"
When Elsa realised she was being made light of, she pouted, which only made Anna laugh harder. Elsa joined in when she heard Anna snort like a pig, and they couldn't stop until they made it to the car doors. They had needed the release fairly desperately.
~ To Be Continued ~