Warning: Mentions of suicide.

Chapter 12: What have I done?

One week has passed since I saw Elsa. She didn't show up to school on Monday, or the next day, or the rest of the week. At first I thought that maybe she was sick, and I was happy that she hadn't attended classes because Hans kept repeating that he'd beat her to death if he saw her. Given that she kicked his "treasure" (Yeah, he calls his genitals "treasure". It's kinda odd). But as days went by, I started to get worried. There was always a feeling of dread in my guts and I couldn't stay still for more than a minute because I started to get restless, like my body was telling me that I needed to do something. Quickly. Before it was too late.

Today is Friday, and I've already decided to visit Elsa today, even if the prospect scares me deeply. It's not that I think she'll be cold with me or would want me to leave, no, it's rather the thought that she won't be there anymore. That's what makes me wake up in the mornings screaming and covered in sweat and tears. I always try to calm down telling myself that she wouldn't go back to Norway without saying goodbye, but… maybe she would. After all, our relationship is a little complicated. I don't even know if she still considers me a friend.

Anyways, so after school I waited until everyone was gone, went to my locker and pulled out Elsa's backpack (I had asked the janitor for it on Monday), then went to her house. I'm not gonna lie, I can't easily remember the names of streets or their position, and so I got lost and ended up in a dead end a couple of times, but after half an hour walking around the blocks, I'm finally facing the old blue house that is where Elsa lives. Or lived.

No, Anna. Think positive.

Taking a deep breath and with shaky hands, I reach the doorbell and press, hearing the nerve-wrenching sound echoing through my ears. I wait one second, two seconds, five seconds, until my nervousness and impatience make me reach for it once again just as the door opens and a woman, approximately fifty-something years old, appears in front of me so suddenly that I take a step back and fall on my rear as I miss the step.

"Ow!" I exclaim rubbing my sore ass and getting up quickly.

"Oh! I'm sorry if I startled you. Are you okay?" The woman asks concerned.

"I'm fine, really, I've… I've fallen from worse heights." I say as I look at her. We stare at each other for a few seconds before I speak again, nervously rubbing my neck. "Uhm… I'm sorry for disturbing you… Mrs. Frost." I start, assuming she's Elsa's mother.

"I'm not Mrs. Frost." She says and for a moment I think I ended up in the wrong house… or that Elsa's family already moved back to their country, but then she adds with a gentle smile: "I'm Gerda Andersen, but you can call me Gerda." I guess she's the house keeper; she doesn't seem like Elsa at all, I should've noticed it sooner. "I assume that you are here to see Elsa?" She asks, her gaze turning a little sad at the mention of the blonde. I quickly take note of that.

"Yeah… I'm her fr…" As I remember everything that's happened the past weeks I cut myself. "Her classmate. She didn't go to school this whole week and I was worried. After all she seemed pretty troubled when I walked her here last Friday. I also brought her backpack; she forgot it at school".I say bringing it up.

"Are you the girl she visited on winter break?" She seemed to think for a minute. "Anna?" I nod, surprised and glad that Elsa told this woman about me.

"Yes, that's me: Anna Summers. Can I see her?" I look at her with a hopeful face, but her hesitant expression and sad gaze make me doubt. "S-she's here… right?" I ask fearing the answer.

"Well, she is…" She sighs closing her eyes and hanging her head low, as if something was depressing her. "I… I think you should come in."

I can't help noticing the trembling on her voice when she says it, and a terrible feeling promptly invades my entire being. I swallow loudly, fearing what is going to happen now, but I gather my courage and, legs shaking slightly, enter the house after Gerda, who closes the door behind me and leads me to the small dining room. She motions for me to sit. I do as she asks and she sits in front of me, placing her hands on the table and fidgeting anxiously, not looking at me.

"Is… is something wrong?" I ask concerned. She sighs before taking a deep breath and finally looking up.

"… Yes." She says after a long pause.

"Oh." I swallow hard, trying to get rid of the uneasiness and fear that I'm feeling, but no use; I'm promptly sweating and cold. Some minutes pass in silence before I gather enough courage to ask. "D-did Elsa...?" I don't know how to finish my question, so I just leave it there.

"Well, she…" Gerda starts, but I notice she's fighting back the tears, which makes me worry even more. "L-last Friday I arrived here after going grocery shopping." Her voice is trembling, as well as her hands, but she still continues. "The door wasn't locked, so I assumed Kai, my husband, had arrived. "She pauses and I nod, encouraging her to continue. "When I came in and didn't see him, I supposed it was Elsa. She never arrives so early, so I went to check if she was alright." Her voice finally breaks and a few tears escape from her eyes. I quickly reach for her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, trying to comfort her, even if I feel my throat and eyes burning as I'm on the edge of tears, knowing that whatever she says next won't be good. She takes a few breaths before finally calming herself down enough to continue. "When I entered her room, Elsa was indeed there, lying on the bed." Many tears more come out before the woman closes her eyes and says the next words. The words that I know will be haunting me the rest of my life. "Covered in blood." She breaks on sorrowful sobs and I just stare at her with wide eyes, unable to process her words.

Finally, after staying a few seconds in complete shock, I realize the implications of that sentence and a chill runs down my spine as tears fall down my cheeks in rapid succession, like rivers of salty water. Promptly, I'm crying on the table desperately. I don't even notice when Gerda hugs me and I hold her tightly trying to gain some comfort.

This can't be happening. This is not happening. Elsa cannot be dead. Please. Don't let he be dead.

"She's not dead." It isn't until I hear Gerda's voice that I realize I expressed my thoughts out loud. My head shots upwards in the fraction of a second and I stare at her with hopeful but confused eyes.

"B-but… you said…"

"I found her covered on blood, but she was still breathing." She continues her story, letting go of me and wiping her tears with a tissue. I do the same with a napkin that is on the table, calming down a little now that I know Elsa is not dead, but little whimpers keep escaping from my mouth despite myself. "I panicked, but still managed to call for an ambulance. Fortunately they arrived in time and she was saved."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. So Elsa is alive. That's certainly a relief.

"But… why was she covered in blood?" I inquire. It doesn't make sense; she was fine when I left… at least physically fine. Maybe some criminal got into the house and attacked her? The uneasy expression of Gerda tells me I won't like the answer.

"She… well, you see, she's been having some emotional issues." I look at her confused for a moment, before she explains herself. "She's been depressed."

"Oh." I simply say, not knowing what she's implying, after all, you can't bleed to death just because you are depressed… right? Right, unless… you don't want to live anymore.

I gasp and get up faster than my body can handle it and I'm left unbalanced, staggering for a moment before clutching the table with weak sweaty hands. Suddenly it all makes sense and at the same time, it does not; how she forgave and said goodbye to me as she walked into the house, the dread feeling I chose to ignore, her down cast expression, the utter sorrow in her eyes… but what about Jack? Didn't she said that he was in Norway and that she'd go find him?

No. She didn't say that.

The voice on my mind makes me remember the exact words she said when I asked about Jack: "He's not here". Not here. NOT HERE. Not alive. He is dead. That's why she said she wouldn't be able to come back. Gosh! I was so stupid! Why couldn't I see it? Jack is dead, and by committing suicide she was trying to be with him once again. And I unknowingly encouraged her to do so. Fuck! It's my fault she almost died!

"Anna, are you okay?" Gerda asks as she sees me shaking so hard that I'm moving the table.

"Where is she?" I'm barely able to ask.

"Upstairs, in her room, but…" I don't wait for her to finish; I just run as fast as I can towards the stairs and up, reaching the first door and opening it, discovering it just the bathroom, to continue with the next, a spare room and the next, finally Elsa's bedroom.

As I open the door I notice it's a very small bedroom (mine is at least twice it's size) and it only has a mirror, a small closet and a bed for just one person, where a figure is currently lying, partially covered by the plain white sheets. I'm honestly surprised she's in bed this late, not even I do that.

I approach to her, but she doesn't seem to notice, and I take the opportunity to observe her. Elsa has always been in my mind the image of tidiness, so seeing her in this state is quite shocking to me; she's dressed in a white wrinkled t-shirt with some holes on it, her hair isn't in a braid, but instead it is a mess, kinda like mine when I wake up in the mornings, there are huge black bags under her red eyes and her stare is utterly lost; she doesn't even see me when I stand before her.

I clear my throat to gain her attention, and her icy blue eyes quickly shot up to look into mine… and I actually take a step back. They are so… cold. But it's not like when she's all expressionless, it's rather a look that says she could kill me without remorse, there's a bitterness and resentment on them I wished I'd never get to see in her. I can't even recognize in her that girl I love.

"You." She snarls, her hoarse voice utterly intimidating. I swallow loudly.

"H-hi." I manage a small smile that promptly disappear when I see her angered expression. She doesn't answer my little greeting, and, as the silence extends, I think I can even see smoke coming out of her ears because of how pissed off she is of my presence. I, of course, get nervous and say the first thing that comes to my mind. "Y-you haven't gone to school."

"Congratulations, captain obvious." She says sarcastically.

"Uhm… I… Gerda told me about what happened." I start. "And I want to say I'm sorry. I-I didn't know Jack was dead and that you'd try to commit suicide, and I didn't…"

"You didn't." She interrupts me with a cold monotonous tone. "Yes, that's the problem with you: you never do anything. It's never you fault, is it?" She shots me a glare and I instantly shut my mouth. "You always think everything you do can be erased with a single apology." She pauses. "Idiot." That hurts, and I'm tempted to retort with something nasty, but I know I'd be apologizing latter, and it'd only prove her point, so I bit my tongue. "I don't believe you anymore, so go away."

I don't realize I've backed up until my back hits the wall and I wince, not because of the physical pain, but rather the emotional. When I came here, I honestly wasn't expecting this level of hostility… Maybe I should leave and come back some other day? No, that'd be too cowardly. It's my fault that she's like this. I have to make this right.

"Y-you… I-I… I brought your belongings." I say holding up her backpack, hoping it'd work as a peace offer. Her annoyed face tells me I'm wrong.

"Go away. I don't care about the earthly things anymore. I will be leaving soon anyways." The casual tone with which she says it, is going to give me nightmares for months.

"Y-you will… attempt it again?" I ask fearing (and knowing) her answer. "Suicide?"

"Of course, since last time it didn't work…" She sighs. "As soon as Gerda stops interfering with my death, I know I will succeed. "

"P-please don't!" I frantically say, not wanting to lose her. "Please… death is not the answer."

"Curious. That's not what you said the other day." She seems to think for a moment. "Which were your words? Oh! Now I remember: 'I don't think that's a life worth living'." I feel a pang of pain in my heart.

"Yeah, but I thought you were just going to move to Norway!" I exclaim, noticing how my eyes have become wet with tears and my throat is swallow. "I'd never want you dead. I couldn't live without you." I confess, and tears fall down my cheeks. Elsa, however, just eyes me with an indifferent expression.

"Oh no, that'd be terrible." She says sarcastically. "Who would be your punching bag if I die? How inconsiderate of me!" I close my eyes as I clench my teeth and fists and more tears come out.

How can she say that? Doesn't she see how much this is affecting me?

As I just keep trembling and trying to control my sobs, she keeps her attack.

"You are a hypocrite, you know that? You said you wanted to be my friend, but you'd never sacrifice anything for me, not even your social status, no matter if I was being humiliated or hurt. I don't know how I could ever think good of you. You. Are. Disgusting."

I know it's not really Elsa who she's talking; it's all the anger, resentment and sorrow she's feeling, after all Gerda did say she was having some mental issues. However, it still hurts so much that I crumble on the ground crying.

"It hurts doesn't it?" She remarks as I continue sobbing. I try to compose myself enough to answer, but no use; it's just too much for me. "Imaging going through that every day of your life. Now you understand why I have to die?" I look up trying to say something, but the trembling keeps me from doing so. "Besides, If I die, I know you'd feel so guilty that you'd want to kill yourself just to stop the pain."

"H-how can you be so cruel?" I whine softly between sobs. "I just want to help."

I'm always doing what is correct, and this is what I get? Besides, what happened wasn't really my fault; I know I made a mistake, but that could have happened to anyone. That's no reason for her to treat me like that.

"But you always ruin everything. Why don't you go bother someone else with your presence?"

"Elsa… please… I… I can help you." I still try to get to her, even though her rather obvious (and hurtful) dislike towards me.

"Help me?" She rises an eyebrow. "How will you do that if you don't even know me? If you can't even help yourself? If you're such a fool?" She spats venom with every word.

"B-but… " I can sense the words trying to escape from my mouth, those words that I specially shouldn't say in this situation, however, I don't bite my tongue in time. "But I love you." And I feel utterly exposed and vulnerable as I say this and she just stares at me with a bored expression.

"Love? What do you know about love?" She says, her tone clearly expressing disgust. "Love is about wanting the other person to be happy even if you are not, and you… you do the exact opposite."

"T-that's not…" I try to defend myself.

"You are selfish and stupid, and I wish I never had to be in the same room… on the same planet as someone as despicable as you.

My heart breaks and I feel an indescribable pain; this is not how I expected she'd react to my confession, and I can't bring myself to be in her presence anymore, so I get out of her room and downstairs in a heartbeat. As I get to the living room, Gerda gets up from the couch and looks at me with worried eyes.

"Anna, what…?"

"I'm sorry." I don't give her time to finish her question as I push past her towards the exit and get out of the house, then walking without direction until the trembling of my body becomes too much and I don't have other option but to sit and cry in misery.

Why was Elsa so cruel? I've never seen her this way, it's like she is a completely different person. I mean, geez! I understand that almost committing suicide can be very traumatic, but that was excessive! I know I treated her poorly in the past, but I'm pretty sure I never made her suffer like this, and I always apologized later. I was just trying to do the right thing, why can't she see that? And what did she mean saying "I can't even help myself"? I'm not the one who almost committed suicide. That girl has problems. I can't understand how I could ever thought I loved her.

You realize you just admitted you don't love her, right? And that you're justifying having hurt her. And that you're just thinking on how hard it is for you, when she was the one who almost died and is extremely depressed. It's just as she said. You're selfish.

I suddenly stop crying so I can think better. Is it true? Am I being selfish? But… but… I tried to be her friend! Even if I knew it would be difficult. And I tried to help her, I really did!

Really? How? Staying with Snow and the others even after you saw how much they enjoy bothering her? Bullying her a little less and saying "sorry" after? Being so ashamed of being friends with the Ice Queen that you even bought her a cellphone to pretend you are her friend, when in reality nothing changed? Was that really "doing the right thing"?

"Oh crap!" I exclaim as I face palm myself. "I really fucked up, didn't I?"

How could I be so blind?! Wait… I wasn't blind… I may have known exactly what I was doing, I just… didn't care. I didn't care because acknowledging it would have broken the image of myself I had, and because I thought I could be happy if I kept lying to myself. But the truth is… I wasn't happy, because all this time there wasn't one moment in which I was my real self… except when I was with Elsa during winter break, and I could've taken that opportunity to break up with my supposed friends that were... are making me unhappy, but I was afraid. Afraid of losing the security and acceptance that came with being part of Hans gang… Afraid of being alone. Because always, all my fucking life, I've been afraid of being alone. Ever since I can remember, my nightmares have been of being in my empty house at night calling for my parents and then for the servants, and not getting an answer. That's why the accident that got me locked up happened, and that's why I stayed stuck with Hans even when he kept hurting me. True, I tried to change my situation by being with Elsa, but trying is not the same as doing something, and using her to feel better instead of really getting to know her, was not the best option.

And even now, I'm sitting on the street, crying, as she's still alone inside her room, without having the will of even getting up, much less to deal with my selfishness (Because let's be honest, I was just asking for forgiveness without even trying to understand her situation first), a selfishness that's hurt us both too much and for too long.

But there's no use on lamenting. I've never been one to stay still and do nothing, and this isn't the exception; I will get up and go back there, even if I know Elsa will hurt me and push me away again, but this time, I'll keep trying, not because I want her to forgive me and to return to be the Elsa I like, but because I know if I don't help her… if I don't come back, she will suffer the consequences, maybe ending up attempting suicide… and succeeding. It is better for her to have one more person who cares about her around, aside from Gerda and whoever else that's currently helping her.

I finally see clearly; this time, it's not about me. It is about Elsa.