Chapter 13: Making it right.

For the second time that day I found myself in front of Elsa's house, wondering if I should knock or just run off. Each step away from the street and towards Elsa was a fight against myself, since a part of me is still afraid of being rejected, of getting hurt, but I know that if I'm suffering now it's my own fault, so I forced myself to go on, just as forced myself to knock on that goddamn door.

As Gerda opens I smile nervously and say:

"Hi. Again. I'm sorry I left like that earlier, I-I just…"

"I know." She cuts me sighing. "Please come in, I think there's some explaining to do." I nod and get in. She leads me again towards the table and we sit down, then she starts talking, with a saddened expression on her face. "I guess you've already seen Elsa's state?" She asks and I nod again as my eyes become a little wet with tears because of the reminder of what happened. "I'm sorry, that's why I didn't want you to see her."

"N-no, you don't have to apologize." I assure her. "It was totally my fault. I shouldn't have broken in her room like that and she had every reason to be angry with me."

"That's how it feels, doesn't it?" She says with an even sadder voice, if possible. "That it's your fault, that you should've been better for her. But the truth is… I don't think it's anyone's fault. Not completely." I am about to contradict her, but she keeps talking before I can even utter a word. "You see, I don't know if she told you this but… she arrived about three years ago, almost four now, from Norway. She was alone, even if she was still too young, but even then she had that poised air, like a little adult, like she had stopped being a child long ago."

"Wait." I interrupt. "You said she was alone? What do you mean exactly? Where are her parents?"

Is she an orphan?

"Her parents are in Norway. At least her father is; I don't know anything about her mother. I think she got divorced as soon as Elsa was born."

Oh. Well, at least she has her father… or had.

"Then why didn't her father come with her?... Actually, why did Elsa came here in the first place?"

"I don't know." Gerda sighed. "Elsa never talks too much, but my husband, Kai, was Elsa's father's friend, and he thinks he sent her here as a kind of test, to see if she is strong enough." I raise my eyebrow.

"Why'd he do something like that?"

"Maybe to see if she's suitable to take over his company when she grows up." She shrugs.

"His company? You mean he's rich or something?"

"Oh yes." She nods to remark her point. "He's a millionaire, pretty obsessed with money."

"But Elsa always wears old clothes and, please don't be offended, but if her father really is that rich, she could be staying somewhere a little bit… uh…" I don't know how to complete my idea without sounding rude, but fortunately the woman does so for me.

"Larger? Nicer? Probably. But he's quite avaricious. That damn man used to send Elsa only enough money to pay the rent and eat every month or so." She says with fury and a face of distaste. It doesn't take a genius to notice she despises Elsa's father. Though for what I'm hearing, that's understandable. "And that was when she had good notes." She continues. "This year she's been doing badly at school, and her father doesn't send money anymore."

"What?!" I scream, not believing what she's saying. "But without money how will she pay for anything?"

"She can't, and of course it only made the situation worse. She even left to live on the streets when she got out of money… and it was winter. She could've died that night."

I feel intense pain in my heart again. I almost lost her twice this year, and I didn't even noticed. Why should Elsa, of all people in the word, suffer like that? And why did I have to go and make it worse? How could I be so cruel? I feel tears coming from my eyes and I notice I'm crying, so I quickly wipe them. I should be strong. For Elsa.

"I'm sorry." Gerda apologizes. "I shouldn't have told you this, it's too much…"

"No." I cut her off. "It's fine. I want to help Elsa, and to do that, I need to know her." I look at her with determination, trying to hold back my sobs. After a few seconds, she nods and continues.

"Of course. This situation affected Elsa greatly, and I don't blame her. Imagine being ripped of your home, your family, your friends, your country… all in the same day. It must have been terrible." I nod in agreement. "But she never admitted it. She always pretended to be fine but… the walls in this house are very thin and… well… we hear her cry. The first few weeks after her arrival, she cried herself to sleep every day. Then, as time passed, it reduced to at least once every two weeks, but…" She sighed and closed her eyes, as if wanting to forget those memories. "When this school year started, she began crying more frequently. And more desperately." I cringe. This year I started going to high school. It was probably my fault. "There were days when she came here with a smile on her face, and others in which she just couldn't even take her eyes off the ground, like she was defeated. Those were the worst, and they became more usual as the weeks passed, until it was every day." I'm now officially rotting in guilt. "About that time, her father stopped sending money, which worsened the situation, as Elsa seemed to be more dejected and started starving herself, so we sent him an e-mail explaining Elsa's state and suggesting him to take her back to Norway, as we'd done many times before, but he just answered that, if we were worried about the rent, we should just throw Elsa to the streets."

At this, she breaks down crying and I can't help doing the same. It's all just so unfair. Elsa didn't deserve that. How could his own father do her so much wrong. I mean… she's his daughter. He's supposed to protect her, to love her… I never imagined someone could be this cruel to their own child.

"Why?" I whine. "Why does he hate her so much?"

"It is said that she killed her own brother when she was eight." Gerda answers between sobs. I gasp. It has to be a lie; Elsa is such a good girl. I bet she couldn't kill anyone even if she tried.

"But that's impossible!" I protest.

"I know. But apparently her father believed it, even though Jack's death affected Elsa greatly; she still screams his name sometimes while sleeping."

"Wait." I take a breath trying to process what she just said. "Jack was Elsa's brother?!" She nods. FUCK! I got jealous and hurt Elsa over nothing. I am a terrible human being. And a terrible friend. If I really had tried to know Elsa maybe none of that would've happened. Now I feel guilty and stupid.

"Anna, are you okay?" Gerda asks worried and I look down to see that I have my fists clenched so tightly that my knuckles have turned white and my nails are piercing my skin. I try to relax them, but it's nearly impossible. "Anna?" She touches my shoulder concerned. I shake my head.

"No."2 I am barely able to say through my sore throat as I start shaking. "I… I was so, so stupid."

"Don't be so harsh with yourself dear." She tries to comfort me. "There's no way you could've known all this before."

"True. Because I never even tried. I never asked Elsa about her personal life, about her feelings, about…"

"She wouldn't have answered you even if you had. She's very reserved."

"But I should have asked anyways!" I scream. "At least that would've showed her that I care, but… I am just a very, very bad friend. A very bad person." I start sobbing uncontrollably for the third time this day (that must be some kind of record) and Gerda hugs me trying to give me some comfort. It's strange for me to be held by a stranger, but I can't even utter a word of protest due to my shaking.

"I'm sure that's not true." She says. "I've never seen Elsa happier than when she went to your house during winter break, and the fact that you are crying right now only means that you care a lot about Elsa."

"Not enough it seems." I answer. She's already told me the truth about Elsa, I should as well tell her the truth about myself. "I hurt her. That's why she got worse this school year." I confess feeling like a disgusting cockroach.

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"It was. I bullied her every day. Even after I promised I'd change and try to be her friend." I cry even harder. But, unlike what I thought, she hugs me tighter.

"She did say she was having problems with a friend of hers, but she also said you were very kind when she went to your house. Everyone makes mistakes, and Elsa is not an easy person to treat. What is important is that you're here when she needs you most, doing your best to help her and worrying about her. That speaks a lot about how you feel for her."

"It's not enough." I protest. "I'm not good enough for Elsa."

"Yes, you are. You came back, even after she hurt you, and believe me, I know how hurtful she can be in this state."

"I had no chioce. She needs me."

"Yes, she does. "

"I'm not gonna let her down." I promise, not only to her, but also to myself. "I will change."

"I'm glad."

And we stay like that until my sobs finally stop (which was a very large time), and I know it's time to face Elsa again.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly push open the door and get in. Again, I find Elsa lying on the bed, but this time she actually turns to look at me… with such fury that I want to run away, but I force myself to stay.

"You again? I thought I had finally gotten rid of you."

"S-sorry, not yet." I laugh nervously trying to lighten her mood, but she just eyes me with a cold expression.

"What the fuck do I have to do to make you leave? Beat you, perhaps?" She spats with a very threatening gaze. I swallow. Shit she really is intimidating when she's angry. Wait. Angry? No. She's not just angry. Now that I look more carefully, there's also sadness in her eyes, deep suffering and terror. She's like a scared animal, she's just trying to protect herself because she's truly vulnerable.

Oh, Elsa… you don't have to be afraid of me. Not this time.

"Look, I came in peace…" I start.

"As if I were going to believe that." She interrupts me, but I ignore her.

"I want to help you. I'm sorry I ran out like that earlier, but I've returned and that's what matter. I was a coward for running away and I was a cowards all this time. But no more, I promise."

"People can't change that quickly." She looks to the side with a sour expression.

"True, but they can try. And that's a start."

"Only if they have a good reason. And you don't." I sigh. She really doesn't have any faith on me, does she?

"Seeing you in this state has opened my eyes." I walk towards her bed and kneel I front of her, searching for her gaze, but she avoids me. "This is not who you are Elsa, you are sweet and loving and… a-and the most amazing person I've ever known." I swallow to get rid of the knot hat suddenly appeared on my throat.

"You don't know me." She actually seems upset at my kind words, as if I had offended her. "Deep inside I've always been a monster. I just used to hide it; all this anger, aggression, sad…" She cuts herself, but I'm pretty sure she was going to say sadness. "But no more. I'm tired of hiding my true self."

Maybe, before hearing all what Gerda told me, I would've given up on her in that instant, after all, if she believes she's a monster, what can I do, right? Wrong. If I pay attention closely I can see how much these words affect her, how, with very one o them, she sinks in depression a little further… and I wonder how many times she has told herself that… how many times he others have told her that? Enough for her to believe them, that's for sure. How long? Maybe all her life, after all, for what I've heard, her father isn't a loving one. What I'm sure though, is that this is not Elsa.

The Ice Queen was always a mask, that much was obvious, and it's true it used to hide her aggression and the rest of her negative emotions… but it also hid the good ones, like happiness, playfulness, excitement… and Love. And I've seen all of them in her, and they weren't a farce, I'm sure. So no; this is not Elsa. It's just another mask, one that hides her positive emotions even from herself so she can't feel any hope and, therefore, she won't be disappointed. She won't get hurt. Because she's been hurt so much that she just couldn't bear it one more time.

"Y-you really think you are a monster?" I sob as tears fall from my eyes. My heart is breaking for her. I can't even imagine how much pain she must be feeling right now.

"Stop crying." She says upset, but I can't hold back my tears. "Stop pitying me!" She shouts as she gets up from her lying position, so now she's looking down at me with those scary eyes. And I don't say it because they are threatening to me, but because they are almost devoid of any life. "I'm fine being a monster; it's better than being that pathetic excuse of human being I was. Always crying, always wishing for a better life. I can't cry anymore, and I only wish for death."

"Feelings aren't weakness." I try to contradict her. "Not even sadness or pain, and definitely not happiness and love. They make us human, they make us who we are. And without them, we are not even alive."

"Good." She spats. "I'm already death inside. I just need to be so outside too."

"No." I whine as I shake my head and take her unnaturally cold hand. She tries to pull it away, of course, but I'm not letting her go. She needs me, even if she doesn't know it. "I know you can still feel, you're just… you are afraid of it, and I don't blame you." This time our gazes finally connect and hers is utterly cold, but I know it's not real. "Your life has been so unfair." I continue, taking her other hand. "Your brother died, your father blamed you, you ended up here, in a strange country with no one to fall back on, a-and your classmates bullied you with no mercy." I stop to catch my breath, since at this point my sobs have become overwhelming. Recounting Elsa's life is just too sad. "A-and when you t-thought you had finally found a friend… you discovered it was all fake." I look down in shame. I wasn't good enough or you and I'm sorry for any harm my stupidity and selfishness provoked on you. I-If I could take it all back or-or make it up for you, I would, but I know there's nothing I could do or say to just wipe my actions from our past." I finally look up, gathering the courage to finally make a promise I am sure to fulfil, as it's made with my heart. "I'm not asking for forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it; I am here, now, asking you for yet one more chance to be in your life. As friend, as an acquaintance, as a slave, as… as anything you want me to be… as long as I'm here to help you."

Elsa deviates her gaze and for a moment I fear she's gonna push me away again, but after a few moments of agonizing silence, she speaks again, this time without aggressiveness.

"Why are you doing this?" She barely whispers, and I'm not sure if she's truly asking me or rather asking herself. "After I told you I'm a monster, after you've seen it yourself… Why still bother with me?" 2She looks at my eyes again, desperately searching for an answer.

"Because I know you're not a monster." I quickly answer, squishing reassuringly her hands. "You are just hurt and scared, and in this moment not even you can see the good in yourself, but I know it is there, and I'm going to help you be your old self again." At this, she pulls her hands out of mine and clenches the mattress with them, so tightly that her knuckles turn wither than usual. She also starts shaking and her eyes become red, as if she were about to cry but had no more tears.

"N-no." She shakes her head. "No, I can't… I won't g-go through that again." Her gaze is lost, like the one of a crazy person. "I prefer to die!" She screams utterly terrified, and I know she's not longer here with me… I don't know what horrors she's living, but seeing her like this makes me really sad. I have to help her. Without thinking, I take her shoulders and shake her, trying to get her to look at me, but she's in some kind of trance. "Get away!" She pushes me and I fall on my rear, but I'm not giving up.

"Elsa, it's me!" I try to call for her as I push myself off the ground.

"N-no, not again." She says with anger, trying to mask the fear. "No… No more, please…" She then begs with true vulnerability that contrasts deeply with her previous attitude. "No more." She closes her eyes and hangs her head low, as if accepting defeat… and it breaks my heart more than anything. What the heck did she live to be in this state? Whatever it was, it scarred her deeply, so much that the wounds haven't healed on the slightest.

"Oh, Elsa…" I sob, approaching to her and doing the first thing that comes to my mind: hugging her. I hug her as tightly as I can, hoping to give her all the comfort that I am able to. At first she flinches, clearly not expecting the contact, but then she returns to her defeated state, not moving, accepting my actions because she has no other option. This makes me cry even harder and the tears that I would usually have cried in the course of a year come from my eyes in a matter of minutes.

I don't know how long we stayed like this, me hugging her and crying desperately and Elsa just remaining unmoving, but after several minutes, Elsa finally speaks again.

"Anna?" She asks with a weak voice, muffled by my shoulder and devoid of its previous aggressiveness, or any other emotion for that matter.

"Y-yes?" I ask between sobs.

"Why are you crying?" I stop my sobs a little at her words. Isn't it obvious?

"I-I'm crying f-for you."

"Then why are you still here?"

"I-I'm crying for you. N-not b-because of you. I'm crying b-because it p-pains me to know you went t-through such t-terrible things, to know y-you a-are still s-suffering because of that, and to k-know some of that pain… I-I inflicted to you." I pause and swallow. "I wished I c-could feel if for you, t-to spare you from it." Honestly I don't know if my words make any sense, but that's how I feel.

"Why are you hugging me?

"Because a warm hug can somewhat mend a broken heart." I whisper. That's something my father used to tell me every time I felt sad, and it always worked. "Two, sometimes."

"Really?" She asks, and I detect some kind of hope in her voice… but I could be imagining it. I just nod.

Suddenly, something unexpected happens. She leans her had on my shoulder. True, she's not hugging me, but she's still searching for more physical contact, and it makes my heart flutter with joy. I feel a warm sensation so wonderful that I just want to stay like this forever. Elsa didn't push me away this time; I actually made some progress.

Don't worry Elsa, this won't be in vain. It will be a long path, but I'll come here every day… until I can heal you.

After at least one hour (or what for me seemed like an hour), I hear soft snores at my ear, and I pull back just enough to see that Elsa has fallen asleep. I don't know if I should be glad or not, because she fell asleep on me, which could have meant she trusted me enough to let the slumber take her, or that she was so emotionally exhausted that she couldn't keep awake anymore… either way sleeping in this position can't be comfortable, so I carefully lower her down on bed taking care that her head is resting on the pillow.

I have never seen Elsa sleeping before, but now that I am, I just want to lie down at her side, hold her and never let go. She seems so fragile, like the tiniest shake would break her. Also, she doesn't seem peaceful, like not even in her dreams she's happy, and I feel tears coming to my eyes again, but I push them back. I've already cried too much for one day.

Instead, I softly caress her pale cheeks, putting all the love I can in that action, before leaning down and kissing her forehead, lingering for several seconds before I can finally force myself to pull back. As I do, I notice her bandaged arms, a few spots of blood contrasting with the white color of the cloth.

"Please be here when I come back." I choke out a sob. I really don't want to lose her, but what can I do? Until tomorrow that I return she'll be here on her own, well, maybe with Gerda, but still, I don't want to take any chances.

Suddenly, I have an idea.

I search around the room and spot Elsa's backpack, so I pull out a pencil and her notebook, opening it in some random page. My heart literally stops. There, displayed in full glory, is a sketch of me, dressed as I was during our meeting at winter break, twin braids and all, but she was somehow able to portray my emotions with the utmost accuracy. As I see the drawing, I just want to beam myself, reflecting the image that's on the paper… even if I have nothing to smile for right now.

I carefully place the drawing back to its original place and, instead, take another paper sheet for me, pulling it out of her notebook and hoping she won't mind. I quickly write a little note for her when she wakes up, telling her that life is worth living and that I will be coming back to help her being on her feet again. I re-read them a couple of times and change somethings but, at the end, when I'm truly satisfied, I leave it in her pillow, at the side of her head, so it'll be the first thing she sees when she wakes up.

After that and, sparing her just one more longing glance, I open the door and get out.