NOTE: Sorry for the late update; I was attending a social activity (I guess people still have those, lol). Home now, and hoping nobody minds that I couldn't get this one posted before midnight!

~ Chapter Thirty-two ~

Instead of having dinner out as they had planned over brunch, the three of them ordered a pizza and enjoyed some light conversation while waiting for it to arrive. Most of that was filling in Esmé on the vaguest details of what they had talked about while loitering at Es Vedra and during the ride home. She drank in all of it like a fine wine, smirking so much that Elsa kept having to look away, and Anna rolled her eyes so often they began to ache.

"Two little gaylets, right under my nose," she teased at last as the TV blared in the background. "With Anna, I pretty well called it… but now all the things I'd been wondering about Elsa kinda add up. Crazy how life works out."

" Crazy, how?" Elsa asked suspiciously. She had been on edge for a lot of the evening, considering she was the one whose sexual identity had been called into question. Anna trying to cuddle close to her had only made her more nervous in another way, though Elsa did keep quietly squeezing her back.

"Just… I know you never said it or anything, but…" Esmé shrugged, sipping at her margarita and staring at the movie they had forgotten all about paying any real attention to long ago. "Most of us assumed you didn't want to be part of SEEK. Like, that you saw it as a means to an end; that down the road, you'd pull a Ginger Spice and fuck off."

"What? No, I… I like performing with you all. It's just… after the show ends, I don't know what to do with myself, or with you. We've worked out a comfortable pattern of avoidance, I guess, but that isn't what I'd prefer — not at all."

"No, no, it's okay, I get it. You're gay and it's a little weird hanging out with us for you."

At that, Elsa blinked rapidly. "I'm- wait, you really think that's why? I mean… honestly, I didn't even know I might be anything but straight until… well, today. Literally today, Ez."

The older girl blinked over at her, completely unimpressed. "You don't think it contributed to how we all got along? Under the surface? Like, 'in the closet' or whatever you guys say?"

"Hey," Anna put in, noticing how much more tense Elsa was getting. "Listen… it's not always that simple. I think she just…" Taking a breath, she leaned over to whisper to Elsa, "You mind if I tell her about you in school? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable bringing up stuff."

"You can," Elsa whispered back. "I'd rather you tell her so I don't have to, if you think it's important.."

"'Kay." Turning to Esmé, she said, "Elsa got moved when she was little, and lost her mom. Went to a super strict school. That's stuff you probably knew, but… it made it hard for her to want to open up to people. And after a while, she forgot how, I think. Not completely, but it became so hard that she eventually just stopped trying. It's not that she didn't like you, she just didn't get you, and could feel you not getting her, and it made her want to hide."

"Not 'hide'," Elsa corrected hastily, staring at the coffee table. "Just… decline to engage. I never hid."

"Sorry," Anna breathed. But Elsa shook her head and flashed her a smile to tell her she didn't need to apologise. "But does that make some sense, kinda?"

Esmé was nodding. "Sure, whatever you say."

"Don't do that," Elsa snapped. "Don't… invalidate me that way, I hate it!"

"I wasn't," she sighed, setting her glass down on the table and turning to face them. "This is one of those things that pisses me off; I just don't care very much one way or the other. But you're sitting there thinking I like, don't believe you. Whether you're super gay or just bad at making friends, it means you were an awkward turtle, and I never disliked you for it; just didn't want to push so much that it made you hate me even more."

"But I don't!"

Frowning, the taller woman sighed and looked down. "Look. You're not good at small talk, and maintaining friendships, and all that. I'm not good at… feels. Mooshy gooshy stuff. Opening up that much, and letting other people open up to me that much…" She bit her lip.

"Say it," Anna prodded. "Whatever you were about to say, just do it. We're not gonna judge; I mean, with all that's happened this week?"

"It scares me," she finally admitted, though her tone was defiant, as if just waiting for either of them to laugh at her. "Because it's when you let people handle your heart that they might drop it, let it shatter. If they never have that chance, then you're safe. So it's better to keep things simple, keep it light and never dig too deep. That's pretty easy to understand, isn't it? Am I crazy?"

"No. But that's… really sad." Glancing at Elsa, she patted her on the shoulder, as if to ask if she would be alright. When Elsa shrugged, mystified, she stood up and crossed to sit right next to Esmé.

"Oh, for the love of-"

"We probably don't have to do the whole 'you matter' thing, since we already did that earlier today," Anna said, with the patient tone of a schoolteacher. "But um, I think you should try harder to be more open with us. Even if you can't with other people."

"And what makes you so special, Carrot Top?"

"I'm nobody. Who cares if I end up hurting you? It'll be pretty easy for you to forget all about me if I do hurt you. But if I don't… if you can end up being a little more open with me and Elsa, maybe… I dunno, you won't be so…"

Esmé was more guarded than ever as she sat there, stiff as a board. "So what? What am I? Tell me everything about myself."

"Sad and afraid." When she blinked, Anna sighed. "You thought I was going to insult you. God, is everybody in SEEK like this? Do you all have walls built up all over the place?"

"Not Snow," Esmé scoffed. But her tone was mollified, as if she would give Anna's words some consideration. Later.

"Indeed," Elsa agreed with a bitter little smile. "She's such an open book. Really, she told me she didn't care that I knew she hooked up with a girl before; just that she didn't want the tabloids to know because they'd go after the girl herself."

Anna goggled. "Wait, that- the girl who's done some lesbianing in a club, that was SNOW?!"

"Oh… well, yes," Elsa said with an uncomfortable laugh. "I meant to keep that a secret, but I guess if there's anybody she wouldn't mind knowing, it would be a fellow LGBT."

"We don't really call ourselves 'LGBT', singular. 'Queer' would work, or 'an LGBT person'. I, um, guess this is stuff you need to start learning, too." Then she sat back. "Wow. I could have sworn it was Esmé you were talking about."

"What?!" the woman in question yelped. "Why?! I mean, do I give off that kind of vibe?"

"You asked me to pinch your ass."

"Hey, I have done way more than that with a woman before. It just wasn't by choice." When Anna turned to look at her, already looking outraged and ready to gasp, she headed her off by saying, "Wait, that didn't come out right. It was part of my job, I- no, fuck, that's not any better! Okay, um… I guess I should explain. But I'm really, really trusting you with this."

"You don't have to tell us more," Elsa tried to head her off, sounding quite nervous.

"Don't worry, gaylet; I won't be too graphic." She raised a hand to gesture, then paused, thinking over the story. Again, she raised a finger and opened her mouth - then stopped. Finally, she looked at Anna and said, "If I tell you, maybe you can gauge if the brand new lesbian can handle it."

With a shrug, Anna glanced over at Elsa's panicked face before answering, "Sure, we can try that."

"Right." Esmé leaned over, cupped her hand to cover her mouth, and began to whisper, "Strip club. Hot tub. Raining dollar bills while one of us drills." Anna went deathly silent. When there was no reaction, the taller girl forged ahead, though her voice sounded a little less confident. "I, um, was never on the receiving end; that was where I drew the line. No desire to be seen in that state in front of a live audience, no matter how well they paid. And I always talked to the other performer before we went on, made sure she was really okay with that being part of her job description. Most of the time, they were fine, but one girl was in tears while she told me she hated the idea of doing it and I gave our manager hell until he let somebody else sub in for her. Nobody was ever forced to do anything, if that's what you were freaking about."

For a long minute, Anna sat there, staring at the TV without really seeing it. Doing her best to process the story without truly focusing on any of its content; that would have destroyed her mentally. Finally, Elsa asked, "What? What is it?"

"Nope. No, uh-uh, that is… we'll tell you when you're older."

"I'm already older than you! What happened to Esmé - and why is your face redder than your hair?!"

"NOT TELLING!"

~ o ~

Anna rolled over when she heard the knock at the door. There weren't many people it could be, so she simply said, "Come in" before either of them could bother about their identity.

"H-hey."

"Hey. Um… what's up?"

"I promise I don't mean this how it sounds," Elsa rushed ahead, holding out the hand that wasn't clutching her pillow. "But… do you mind if I… share your bed again?"

Anna rolled her eyes, even though she felt her face growing warmer. "Good thing you threw out that disclaimer, since that does sound pretty… yeah." Then she glanced at the space beside her and back up at Elsa. "Well… I guess this isn't the first time. Or the second."

"We're really terrible," she agreed as she walked in and eased the door shut behind herself. For a moment, she stood there awkwardly in her simple black chemise, twisting up the pillow as if she could channel her anxiety into the action. "But… I don't have to stay if you're not comfortable. Please, just tell me."

"I want you here. I… well, if we had my trundle it might be less weird, but I'm okay with you being in the bed with me. I guess."

"You guess?" When Anna rolled down the covers on the vacant side of the bed and patted the mattress suggestively, waggling her eyebrows, Elsa threw the pillow at her. "You're such a ridiculous-"

"HEY!" They both laughed as Elsa crossed the room and climbed in. "I mean, I'm half-kidding, half-serious."

Elsa bit her lip as they raised the sheets, pulling them right up to their chins. "As am I. Well… I'm very serious about wanting to be here. Half-serious about…that… being a reason."

"Can you do something for me?"

"Name it. Anything."

The honesty and sincerity in those words surprised Anna for a moment. Then she whispered, "Can you tell me… what you've thought about me? Beyond just us being friends. I mean, just get it out there, out on the table and we can, um, discuss it. Because with it all being in your head-"

"No, I understand the merits," Elsa cut her off with a soft laugh. She still remained lying on her back, squirming and unsure of herself. "Sort of a theme lately, clearing the air. But it isn't fair. You haven't told me… I mean, for you…"

"I already told you that you were my idol. You know that much, right? I think you can guess."

"No, I can't. Or I could, but… only in general terms. Not for you." The time had come to discuss the elephant in the room that both of them had been mostly pretending didn't exist ever since Anna dragged her to Gerda's Diner. "What is it like… being that focused on me that you put my poster on your ceiling?"

"It's…" Anna rolled over to face her properly, and Elsa did the same out of reflex. That made it harder. "God, this is so weird saying this to your face, you being real and… and the same person I used to think this stuff about. Are you sure you care?"

Elsa nodded. "It's part of you. If we're going to be friends, or something else, then I think this is of the utmost importance. To be honest about who we are. Or were," she added fairly.

"I wanted to wake up and find you standing over me. And of course I would go, 'What are you doing here?' and you would…" Rolling her neck, she buried her face in the pillow. "UGHHH, I was so lame!"

"Yes, you were. Tell me." The tone was steady, gentle. Maybe bemused, as well, but it was the undercurrent and not the main feeling.

"It changed," came her muffled voice. "Sometimes you would just kiss me and there was no real reason, but sometimes you would say you heard I was sad or depressed and wanted to cheer me up. One time I invented this whole dumb thing where you were a secret agent, and I was the only one who could help you… with whatever you needed help with, I don't even remember now! All of it dumb, GOD!"

After a few seconds, Elsa cleared her throat gently. Despite her insistences, clearly it had made her at least vaguely uncomfortable. Even though she wasn't going anywhere. "Oh. That… there really were vivid, um… wow."

"And I'm not saying the fantasies didn't ever stray into R-rated territory. But honestly, not that often; a few times, when I was extra horny. Most of the time, I just wanted to get to know you better, feel what it was like to kiss those perfect lips…"

"I'm not perfect, Anna," she whispered softly, her cheeks filling with pinkness.

"Oh, I know. I kinda knew it then, and I definitely know it now." When Elsa harrumphed, she smiled. "In a good way. I like this Elsa way better and you know that, I told you I do. Still… Fantasy-Elsa was pretty hot, that's for sure."

Scooting a little closer, Elsa placed her hand on the side of Anna's head, petting as softly as she could manage. "And… would you still like the real Elsa if she told you… she liked every time she kissed your face? Far more than she should with a platonic friend? That she felt her heart skip a beat when she heard you moaning because of her sunblock-massage, or when she would notice you kissing her foot one sleepy morning?"

"You were awake for that," Anna observed with a little grimace of embarrassment. "God… kill me, but I thought your little freckle was cute."

"Guess you did." They both exchanged a little smile, and Elsa kissed her on the nose. It seemed to be all she could prompt herself to do thus far, now that the nature of their relationship was being called into question. "But enough about how ridiculous we've been around each other. You really made up daydreams about me?"

"A ton of them," Anna snorted. "Way more than is healthy, probably."

"Do a lot of people feel that way about me? I mean, I'm well aware I have fans, of course, but to that degree?"

"You mean you haven't seen the 'real person fiction'?"

"The WHAT?"

~ To Be Continued ~