Chapter 15: The museum.
Things have been getting a lot better these past few days… at least in terms of Elsa's condition (nothing has really changed about my personal life). She's a lot more willing to talk, she changes her clothes daily, often waits for me in the living room, either watching TV or reading a book… in summary, she's almost a functioning human being now.
Of course, this took a while. After our excursion to the park, she slowly started smiling more, talking more, stopped thinking about death all the time, etc. But there were a couple of break downs the first few days in which she would cry desperately and hurt herself with whatever was close by, say she hated everything and then lay down on her bed with that hopeless stare that she had before. I'm not gonna lie; the two times I saw her like this, it scared me to no end and I wished I could only erase all the pain and sorrow that were undoubtedly crushing her heart, making her go back to the depression she'd fought so hard to come out from.
I was worried. Still am. Because I fear the day those negative emotions will crush all her hope and desire to live, leaving only a girl who wouldn't be Elsa anymore, but a living corpse that only wishes to die once and for all.
I've been having pretty dark thoughts, I know. But that kinda happens when your friend and crush is almost always talking about depressing subjects (unless you cheer her up), and in her eyes you detect a shadow of pain and sadness even when she's smiling…
Anyways. Enough of that. Today is Saturday and early this morning (round midday, when I woke up) I checked my phone only to notice that I had several missed calls from Elsa's home. Worried, I came to her house even though I had homework, and now here I am, hoping Elsa is okay.
As I knock the door, I'm surprised when Gerda doesn't come to attend, but Elsa. I stare at her for a moment before smiling and pulling her in for an embrace, which she reciprocates.
Great, she's in good mood. Maybe we can do something.
As I pull back and stare at her eyes, she smiles and greets me.
"Hi." She says. "I thought you wouldn't come."
"I can leave if you want." I joke.
"No!" She exclaims fervently, startling me. "Please, don't leave me." She adds vulnerably, almost at the edge of tears, and now I don't know if she's fine or not. She seems to be okay, but just beneath the surface the negative emotions are about to take over.
"It's aleight." I assure her, taking her hands, worried that she might break down any minute. "I was kidding." She swallows and nods, but she still looks a little down casted. I take a look behind Elsa, at the inside of her house and see no one, and can't help having a bad feeling. "Where's Gerda?" I ask, and Elsa's posture seems to slump down a little more.
"She and Kai went to see their son…" She sighs and her gaze becomes melancholic. "Apparently he came to visit them and is only here for today."
"… that was irresponsible." I say without thinking.
"I'm fine being alone." She retorts, suddenly with that Ice Queen voice and an offended expression on her face. "And they deserve to live their lives." But as she says this, I see resentment and pain in her eyes, and I know it's not directed towards me.
"Right." I decide to change the subject before something bad happens. "Well, then I guess we have the rest of the day for ourselves." I try to give my voice a cheery tone, but it's quite difficult when deep inside I'm worried. It still seems to work just fine.
"Do you have something in mind?" She asks giving me a little smile.
Gosh, it's like she's one person this moment, and another completely different one the next.
"Well… I was hoping you would come with me to the museum." I admit. "It's not very large, and I thought you may be interested?" Besides, I have to write an essay for Monday, so I don't really have an option. "And then we could go to have dinner in a restaurant nearby." She seems to think for a moment, before nodding.
"Sounds good." She says with an unreadable expression. "Let me go find my sweater."
I stay at the door as she runs upstairs and descends a few minutes later with her usual attire. She quickly closes the door and follows me through the street.
The museum isn't big or pretty, and it doesn't contain as much information as other museums, but it's near our school, placed inside an ancient building (the oldest one in Arendelle), that has its own garden. The garden is very pretty, but as much as I'd like to stay there with Elsa holding hands and talking, I know I have to get in.
It's a history museum, containing several objects that date from before the Middle Ages (Greeks, Romans, etc.) to present day. I deicide to look at them in chronological order.
As we are in the Greek room, I can't help thinking that they were pretty obsessed with human beauty, given how sexy all the sculptures are… however, a certain blonde next to me is even sexier than all of them. I bet if they'd known her, they'd represent Aphrodite like her… though she would probably be Athena in what concerns knowledge. It's almost unfair.
"What are you thinking?" She asks when she notices that I've been looking at a miniature model of the Parthenon for a while.
"N-nothing." I say as I turn to her and her bright blue eyes almost leave me speechless… however my mouth was never one to keep shut. "I was just thinking how amazing you are." I blush a my words and, when I see her confused face, I wish for the earth to swallow me. "I-I didn't… mean… that." I try to save myself from embarrassment, but when her gaze suddenly turns sad I know that came out wrong. "I mean… I did, but…"
"I'm not amazing, I know." She cuts me off with an expression that can only be described as bittersweet. "You couldn't have meant that." As much as she tries to say it like it's not a big deal, I can see through it and notice the slight tremble on her voice. She's hurting herself again.
"I did." I assure her, trying to take her hand, but she pulls it away.
"No… you didn't." Now her hands and shoulders are also trembling. She's seconds away from crying.
"Yes, I did." I answer more firmly.
"No, you didn't!" She screams, and her voice echoes trough the room, startling me and the single guard that's at the other end of the hall. As I suspected, just after that, tears start falling from her eyes and she starts sobbing uncontrollably. It's a good thing the museum is almost empty today.
Not wanting to witness another break down (this time in public, no less), because it almost physically hurts to see her like that, I take her shoulders and make her face me.
"Elsa, look at me." I command and luckily she does as I say without protesting. It's a good sign; when she's really bad, she never even listens. "I didn't mean to say out loud that you are amazing, but I do think so." Trying to keep strong even though those beautiful sad blue eyes, I continue. "I mean… you are as beautiful as Aphrodite, as wise as Athena, as strong as Hercules and as gentle as…" Now I'm out of comparisons. As far as I know, every Greek god and goddess did at least one pretty awful thing, but I still try to save it. "As gentle as… uh… yourself?" Luckily it seems like it was the right thing to say because an slightly amused expression fights to take over Elsa's sorrowful features, and I mentally high five myself for it. "The point is…" I continue with a smile. "That I really think you're awesome, I've never met someone as perfect as you, and I feel honored to be right now by your side."
"But… I'm not perfect." She protests trying to wipe her tears with her sleeve. "My skin is too pale, my hair is too white and my eyes are… unnatural." Her gaze saddens after this and I know her own words affect her more than she'd be willing to admit.
"Well yes, but I like those parts of you." I retort. "Your looks are certainly different, but they're a good different." I smile, hoping this will reassure her.
"And I'm not as smart as you say." She keeps protesting. "I'm doing poorly at school."
"Only because you are depressed." I sigh. "As far as I know, you only ever got perfect grades before this year."
Before I came and ruined your already hard life.
She seems to think for a minute before she sighs.
"… Alright." She says. "Let's assume I'm beautiful and smart for a moment, even though I'm not…" I roll my eyes. "I'm still depressed, broken, complicated… I-I even tried to kill you. You can't argue with that." Now her voice seems to be even sadder, if that's possible, and a new wave of sobs comes out.
"Yes. That's true." I admit. "But you know what?" When I look into her eyes again, I notice she's hoping that I contradict her, that I make her feel like she's worth something. I'm not gonna disappoint her. "You had every right to feel sad, to feel like there's no hope, to feel angry, frustrated… and yet here you are." I run my eyes over her to prove my point. "Trying to get better, to be better, even though a lot of people would've given up a long time ago." I pause to give her a smile. "You're strong. That's what I admire of you."
Suddenly a torrent of tears start coming from her eyes and I fear I said something wrong, but she suddenly hugs me and starts sobbing into my shoulder like there's no tomorrow. I don't know what's happening right now, but I do the only thing I can do; hold her.
"Thank you." She says, and I know I'm finally doing something right.
After Elsa calmed down and assured me that she was fine and we didn't have to go back to her house, we kept walking. Actually she almost seemed like her normal self, looking at everything with interest and sometimes even commenting. Her eyes were still red and her posture kinda hunched, which revealed she wasn't completely alright, but at least she was trying.
Before long, we arrive to the Modern period exposition, where there are lots of portraits of important people that were made during that period, and my are eyes almost immediately drawn to one of a regal-looking woman with a teal dress, magenta cape and blue gloves, wearing a golden tiara that signaled her as queen. What is so special about it, you say? She is almost identical to Elsa.
She has to see this!
"Hey Elsa." I call the girl who was currently admiring with awe some sketches from Leonardo Da Vinci that are a little behind us, in the Renaissance room. She turns around to look at me. "You have to see this." I point to the portrait and she looks up to it, then she approaches and reads out loud the inscription beneath it.
"Queen Astrid Olafsdottir. Norway. 1819-1878." She puts a thoughtful expression before turning to look at me. "What about her?" She asks confused.
"Don't you see it?" I ask in disbelief. "She's identical to you!"
"Anna… she's from Norway; even at that time, it wasn't rare to find blonde, blue-eyed people in my native country." I raise an eyebrow at the regal voice in which she said it and how her posture is almost an exact replica of that of the queen. Then, she covers her mouth to stifle a giggle. "Alright." She says smiling, and it's the most joyful smile I've seen her make this whole day. "You caught me. I'm a queen from the XIX century who somehow managed to travel in time just to meet you."
The sweet, yet playful, tone in which she says it almost makes my heart stop, it's just like that time when she went to my house before Christmas.
Gosh, she looks really good when she's not depressed…
Great. Now I'm blushing.
"Oh, really? And what's so special about me?" I say approaching to her. "Your majesty?" I add touching lightly her arm. She looks to my hand and gulps, but I don't know how to read her expression. Is she uncomfortable? Did I went too far?
"Uh… I-I…" She steps back clumsily before resuming her regal posture and looking at me with a serious expression. She clears her throat and continues. "I was sent to find the lost princess." She says almost in a hurry, but still keeping her queen-like voice.
"Oh." I take a moment to process this information. "So we're like… sisters?"
"Exactly." She smirks and I frown. "You don't seem to be very happy about it." She comments.
"Uhm… No." I make a face of disgust. "I don't want to be your sister."
"Oh." Her expression seems to be a little casted down, but she soon hides it. "But then you wouldn't be princess."
"I can be princess consort." I retort, giving her a flirtatious smile, but she just stares at me like I just said that I could be an alien with reindeer antlers who poops gold for what feels like an eternity, and this time I know I really screwed it up. I mean, I know she's recovering from depression and that she's probably not interested in these things at the moment, but I can't help flirting a little with her, it comes natural! I mean, I do like her.
Her wonderful (yet scared) voice interrupts my thoughts.
"P-princess consort?" She exclaims.
"Yeah, you know… the consort of the quee…" I interrupt myself. I shouldn't let Elsa know about how I feel about her right now. This is clearly not the right moment. "The consort of the prince!" I correct. "Yep, your younger brother. I bet he'd be as gorgeous as you." I put my hands on my mouth and blush. I shouldn't have said that last part.
Earth, please, swallow me.
Fortunately, Elsa just laughs, and this time is not a discrete laugh, but a loud one, actually full of amusement. I can't help joining her (Even though I don't know why she's even laughing), and we both laugh until our lungs hurt and I'm literally lying on the floor and bending over.
Just when I think I'm going to get out of air and never be able to breathe again, Elsa speaks, still trying to control her giggles.
"Well, I'm sorry." She extends her hand to me and I take it, and then she helps me up. I look at her and she still has that bright smile and her cheeks flushed. It must be illegal to be this perfect. "I don't have a younger brother, so you can't be princess consort." She gives me what apparently is an apologetic look.
"Well, then I guess I'll be a knight in shining armor. Saving princesses, slaying ferocious beasts and protecting my beautiful Queen." I smile and wink; now that the mood is way lighter than just moment earlier, I feel it's safe to play a little with fire. However, when Elsa's smile disappear and she lowers her gaze, I fear I said something wrong.
"Even from herself?" She asks, and I instantly know what she's doing. She's asking for help. For real, not only as part of our little game.
"Specially from herself." I answer taking her hands between mine and giving her a reassuring smile that she hesitantly returns. "I'll be here for you, don't worry." I assure her. "Until you don't need me anymore."
I don't know why I said that. Maybe I needed her to tell me that she'd always need me, that she'd still want my company even after she's come out of depression… That we are friends. But her reaction isn't a good one.
"Let's continue." She curtly says letting go of my hands and walking away, not sparing me a second glance.
My heart breaks as I see her retreating form.
We keep quiet the rest of the time we're in the museum, and it's rather awkward and depressing. I mean, I know there's something going on in Elsa's head, something dark, but unfortunately I can't get into her mind and stop it.
Once we've seen all the rooms and looked at every old object, I decide to take her to the garden, hoping this will distract her from whatever she's thinking. And that it'll also distract me; I haven't forgotten her reaction to my kind words.
So we stroll down the garden, admiring the flowers (Though Elsa just keeps looking at the ground), until we reach a little bench in front of a small fountain that's actually very pretty. Since my feet are killing me, I go and sit down on it, hoping Elsa will do the same. She does, but she keeps quiet and avoiding my gaze.
"So…" I try to break the silence. "What did you think?"
"Nothing." She shrugs. "It was like every other museum."
I open my mouth to argue, but I can't. She's right; it's like every other museum. I better change the topic.
"Uhm… the weather is very nice, right?" I comment but internally wince.
The weather? Seriously? Couldn't I have picked something more interesting?
"… I guess." She says curtly, and it's clear to me that she really has no intention to speak, for whatever reason.
I sigh and look around, hoping to find something to distract me from the complicated girl beside me, when the strangest thing happens; I see something brown and fluffy disappear behind a bush. As the natural adventurous girl I am, I follow it, not caring if it's a bear cub or a horrendous big rat. I just have to know what it is. And to get away from Elsa for a minute.
When I take a look behind the bush, however, the little fur ball disappears behind another one, and this time I don't hesitate to jump over it, almost breaking the brush and getting a few scratches in my arms. It tries to get away, but I have it firmly clutched between my hands. However, it won't be long before it escapes if I don't get up quickly, so after a minute of struggling with the furry animal, I'm finally able to get on my feet and take a look at it.
I wasn't expecting to have a little German shepherd puppy in my hands.
He is so cute! And once it realizes I'm not a monster or whatever he thought I was, he starts licking my face adorably. I giggle at this and try to get him off my face, and while I do this, I remember my Elsa problem and think this little guy could be the solution. Wherever he came from.
"Hey Elsa!" I call her getting out of the bushes and walking towards the fountain. She just eyes me with an unamused expression. "Look what I found." I say, trying not to feel discouraged because of her lack of enthusiasm.
"A… dog?" She looks at me with surprise, but mostly bored. Then she frowns. "What is a dog doing here?"
"He must be lost." I shrug and then check for a name plate or something, but it only has a collar. "What do you think we should do with him?" I ask smiling and rubbing affectionately his head. However, Elsa's next words wipe every trace of happiness from my face, and a shudder runs down my spine.
"Kill him." She says with an expressionless face.
"W-what?" I ask with wide eyes and hoping that I misheard what she said.
"We should kill him." She repeats louder, looking up into the puppy's eyes. "That way he won't have to suffer this… life." She says the last word as if it were something disgusting and then her eyes become red with contained tears. That's when I know something must be really wrong with her right now.
I sit down at her side and place the pup down, hoping he won't escape, but fortunately, he just stays nearby trying to catch a bee. Then, I face Elsa.
"Elsa… what are you talking about? Why do you say such terrible things? Life is worth living, it's…"
"No!" She suddenly screams startling me, and I unconsciously back away from her a little. She has that crazy expression on her face. "No, it is not! It must seem like it sometimes, but the happy days… are just there to tease us, to make the suffering much more unbearable since you now know there is something better." The tears are now running down her cheeks and her voice sounds hoarse, but I still don't dare to approach her. "But life is just suffering." She continues. "That puppy." She points at him. "He seems happy now, he surely has someone who takes care of him, who apparently loves him… But you know what?" She turns to look at me with an expression so full of sorrow and despair that all I want is to do is hug her tightly, but I know right now that'd be rather dangerous. "If he does something his owner doesn't like… o-or if his owner suddenly discovers he's something he shouldn't be… he'll be out on the streets all of a sudden, alone, at the mercy of bad people who don't care about him at all, who may try to hurt him just for fun, who'll watch him suffer and do nothing about it…" She suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably and my heart breaks. She's not talking about the puppy.
"That could happen." I admit carefully. "But even if it did, maybe he could find a home somewhere else, with people who actually love him and try to help him. They'll heal his injuries, help him forget his hurtful past… Take care of him."
"M-maybe." She says hesitantly, interrupting her sobs to answer. "But then they'd realize he's too damaged to be healed, that he's just a burden that's keeping them from living their lives, that he'll never be the perfect puppy he always has to be." A strong sob interrupts her, but she still tries to keep talking. "And when that happens, he'll be alone again, and he won't be able to go on anymore, because he loved them so much… and they left him again. And it wasn't even their fault. It was his. He wasn't good enough to be loved."
In that moment realization hits me like a truck; Elsa's pain, fear and insecurities hasn't diminished at all. Not even these past week. There were still there, full force, just concealed, as they had been before she tried to commit suicide. She has been trying to be better, to be happier, yes. But not for her; for Kai, for Gerda… for me. Because she thought we'd leave her if we knew she was still suffering. And she was so scared of being alone.
I can't help it when I suddenly break down crying, feeling immense pain inside my chest, knowing it is just a fraction of the pain Elsa is feeling.
Not caring if she freaks out, I hug her as I whisper to her ear:
"I don't care if you're not perfect. So what? Everyone's a bit of a fixer upper." I pause, trying to control my sobs. "Yes, you've been hurt, you're broken to the point that a full recovery doesn't seem possible… But I'll be there to help you get better. I'll heal the wounds I can heal, and comfort you when you suffer from the ones I can't. You'll be left with scars, a lot of scars that will mar your otherwise beautiful heart… a-and maybe sometimes it'll seem like it's too much, that you can't live like that anymore. But I'll be there… always. You won't be alone.
Elsa doesn't say anything. Not with words anyway. She just hugs me; she hugs me until almost every trace of air has been crushed out of my lungs. But I don't care. I don't care because the contact is so intimate, the warmth so intense, the feelings so real… that the entire world changes.
All fatigue leaves my body, the stress slowly fades away. The fear and anxiety that are always present in me suddenly disappear. All the problems about my grades, my fake friends, Hans, etc. just don't matter anymore. Nothing matters except this girl that's hugging me like her life depended on it. It's a wonderful feeling.
It feels natural when I suddenly pronounce the words that I said once before, to the same girl, but that weren't true then. Now, I know I'm being completely honest.
"I love you."
And suddenly my tears are tears of happiness, and when her sobs become a relieved laugh, I feel myself melting on her just as she melts on me.
And then slumber comes and we fall asleep into each other's arms.