A/n: contains a scene of sexual nature. reader discretion is advised

Another week passed on pretty quickly and we finally managed to schedule the match between me and Mathias.

"So, are you excited?", he asked me, while we were walking towards our section of the Wall.

"Eh...", I shrugged. "I'm gonna lose so... not too excited. Seriously.. how can you stand on those things' head? The only time I tried, I almost got eaten."

"Well... that's a secret.", he winked playfully, before yawning. The dark circles around his eyes hinted at the amount of extra work he'd been doing.

"Are you sure you're good to do this? You seem pretty spent already.", he dismissed my concerns with a wide smile, walking a bit faster. He seemed eager to face the titans and admit it, who wouldn't want to receive so much money from just doing what he did? Sure, it was dangerous but he made it seem so easy, he just looked like he floated on the creatures.

"Well then, now that we're all gathered here and I've been assured Strauss won't be surveiling this side for the day, we can start.", Ray began, talking to the small audience gathered round. "Competitors, you both are not new to this, so no need to explain the rules, right?"

"Yes.", we answered and I felt my whole body wind up like a spring, bursting at the seems with anticipation. Mat looked calm as usual, smiling kindly at everyone.

"So, let's begin. First one down there and last to come up wins all.", she said.

Someone who's voice I didn't know began the countdown as we stood a top of the outer ledge. It seemed higher now than it had ever been and the moving figures bellow clawed at the stone from time to time, sounds echoing their way up to my ears.

A cold shiver ran down my spine and my pulse began to race even more than it was already. I didn't want to do this. Why did I even agree to be the challenger? Well.. it's too late to back down now, I guess.

'Go', sounded more like a gunshot than a word and we were off. Off the ledge and falling to the abyss.

Looking to the side, Mat looked focused, fixating on a particular titan that looked a bit slower than the others, he seemed to be getting ready to activate his gear. Facing forward, the choice rested on which monster to land on; couldn't be too tall of short nor too active or too lethargic. The few things one could learn from watching these 'drops', as Ray called them, rested on learning how to predict a titan's behaviour through their size and activity rate.

Not that my brain was working at full capacity at the time, falling at high speed against the ever closer ground happened to cloud one's judgement. So, picking a titan close to were I was, it was easily settled. My position there was not to win. Ray asked for a competitor, I delivered one.

Cables were launched and held on to thick skin, swinging down and around the titan and launching me on top of it's head. Mat was already in position, waving at me happily. How could he be so calm?! My legs were a shaking mess from the force of impact the fall had on the harness, my titan's head was slippery as heck and it smelled so bad that my nose almost went numb.

Looking over again, he was yawning. Again. His titan started moving quicker and crashed it's head against the wall, throwing Mat off balance. His reflexes must've been dulled by the lack of sleep since he failed to launch the cables in time to reach Maria.

He was now on the ground, half stunned but luckily, no creature seemed to have noticed his presence thus far. Jumping towards him, I landed right beside him, looking francticly around us for signs of threat.

"Mat, are you okay? Can you walk?"

"I'm fine... That thing just startled me, don't worry too much." he smiled, rubbing his shoulder. Upon trying to get up, he discovered he couldn't stand on one leg. ".. Shit... I'm sorry for this Martha."

"Let's go back up... Hey! Watch out!", my scream echoed through the area surrounding us, as an abnormal ran up to where we were. Holding on tightly to Mat, I used my gear to latch us on to another titan, and afterwards the wall.

Took us a while to get back up there and, when we climbed the ledge, three men were waiting for us. My heart sank, my stomach churned and I've never wished so much that I didn't exist. Even Mat's blood seemed to freeze at the sight.

Strauss and two other high rank officials were staring at us. We'd been busted.

"I knew you maggots were up to something... I just had that gut feeling, 'ya know?", he commented, pacing back and forth. "She already told us everything we needed to know.", he added, pointing at Ray with his head.

"You're coming with us.", one of the officials said to Mat, picking him up.

"Hey, be careful, his leg is broken.", I tried to warn but Strauss simply scoffed.

"Shut up, brat. Serves him right for breaking the rules."

"But-", my words were cut short by fingernails digging into my arm. Ray had sneaked her way behind me, whispering softly.

"Don't say anything else, unless you want to get kicked out."

"What the fuck did you tell them?!", while my rage was silent in the Captain's presence, after he'd taken Mat, it came out as an angry scream.

"Nothing special. I'll tell you later.", she answered, nonchalantly.

"Tell me now!"

"You're making a scene, Martha. Right now, there's nothing you can do."

"Hey, you! Get back to your posts!", a senior official passing by shouted at us and we had no chance but to obey the order.

The wait until I got home seemed like an eternity. Mat didn't show up for the rest of the day and nothing was lit up inside his house so there was not way to know how he was or what had happened with Strauss.

"You gonna tell me what the hell you told Strauss back there?", I spat, as soon as I got home.

"Wow, someone's in a bad mood...", Ray jestered, raising her eyebrows. "Not even a 'Oh hi, Ray, thanks for saving my ass back there..'? Not even that? I'm hurt, Martha..."

"Save my ass? So what..? Wait...", did she really..? No way.. "Did you tell them it was all Mat? The person who ran everything was Mat?! Did you tell them that?!"

"Got you off the hook, didn't it? You should be thankful..", my anger increased with each word coming from her mouth. How could she?! How did she even.. what the fuck?!

"Thankful?! Mat works his fucking ass off to raise his sisters and you screw him over like that?! What the hell is wrong with you?!", step by step, we got closer. She was just in arms reach and enraging me so fucking much... My teeth gritted loudly whenever I was listening to her, knuckles white from clenching the fists. A full cup ready to tip over.

"I told you, Martha. I won't sacrifice my well being for others.", how could she be so calm?! So cold?! What kind of sick person would just not care and do that?!

"Again with that fucking talk Ray! So what? You're just gonna take advantage of people and then fuck them over when you don't need them anymore?!", with a swift movement, my hand caught hold of her shirt's collar, pulling her even closer.

But she was fast and quickly freed herself, hitting my ribcage with a jab, making me wince at the pain.

"I'd advise you to not try and fight me, Martha. We're on totally different levels...", she noted, with a calm expression. But I didn't care. I wanted her to admit she'd been a bitch and did it to save her skin.

"Oh please! Oh look at me, I'm Ray and I can't spend an entire day without showing off how much better I am than everyone else! Fuck you!", caught her on the stomach with my knee, throwing her back against the table and, before I could do anything else, she jumped back over it, looking at me with a slightly amused expression.

"Must be nice to come from the perfect house with a family. I'm a survivor, Martha. I do what I have to."

"What you have to? Give me a break! Did you have to run the bets? To create the drops?!"

"They already existed... I just made them better and made a profit with it. Since you're so worked up about it, why didn't you tell Strauss it was all your idea?"

I froze. Mat didn't deserve to be punished but... I also didn't want to take the blame... That bitch, trying to confuse me with fake arguments...!

"Fuck you!", launching at her again, we exchanged punches and kicks. Blinded by rage and guilt, I wanted her to take all the blame, it was her fault. What would even happen to Mat? Would he be arrested? Expelled? Who knew...

"Of course, miss Martha didn't want to take the blame and go back to her mom and dad.. you wouldn't bear the shame, would you?", she grinned.

"At least my parents didn't abandon me in some hell hole... Even Feng sent you here... He was probably tired of you so he found a clever way of getting rid of you.", something in her eyes sparked and I knew I'd fucked up big time. Her calm demeanor changed into anger and the incessant amount of jabs and punches I received was far too much to even be numbered.

"Don't EVER talk about Feng, you stupid bitch! Or my family!", she yelled. Seeing that I couldn't fight back anymore, she opened the door and stood there waiting. "Get out."

"What...? But I pay rent!", my swollen cheek make it hard to talk.

"Get the fuck OUT OF MY HOUSE. NOW.", she spat. "Don't make me throw you out!"

Tasting sour defeat and nearly crawling, I made my way into the night, hearing the door banging behind me.

I didn't talk to Ray for the following weeks. Upon entering our shared house after that night, she didn't throw me back out. Instead, we just pretended the other wasn't there, going about our daily lives in separate. Everyday after my shift, my legs would unconsciously wander about the town, searching for Mathias.

Although.. was it okay for me to want to know about him, even after being unable to go to the seniors and confess part of my guilt?... Probably not but.. maybe he'd forgive me for not standing up for him.. Would he? What kind of friend was I even...?

"Oy, whatcha thinking about?", a familiar voice rang in my ears. Looking up, Nate was balancing himself on the edge of the bench I'd sat on. We talked more often now, since Mat had gone missing and Ray.. well, she was still pissed at me and likewise.

"Nothing much...", a tired sigh escaped my lips. It was late; too late to be just sitting on a bench, wallowing in guilt, shame and self-pity. "I should be getting home."

"Mathias?", another sigh answered that. "I'm sure he's fine."

"How do you know?"

"Strauss wouldn't do anything really bad; Aberdeen wouldn't allow it. Mat was probably suspended or something."

"But he's never at home and I can't find him anywhere...", I mumbled. "I just feel so guilty, Nate... I shouldn't have let him get all the blame. How did they even believe it was only him?"

"They needed an escape goat and he drew the short straw, I guess.. Come on Martha, beating yourself up won't solve anything, will it?"

"I know... but it doesn't make me feel any better."

"You really care about Mat, don't you?", he noted, voice lowering as he sat by me. "You like him?"

"Not like that... Mat is like... a great friend. He's so honest and a hard worker and a great friend..."

"You said great friend twice.", he laughed.

"Well, cause he is! I wish I could be more like him in certain things..", there was silence between us for a couple of moments, before Nate jumped up and looked at me, offering a hand.

"Enough with all this sadness! I wanna show you something."

"What?"

"You'll see. Eld, my brother, used to take me there a lot whenever I got sad about our dad's passing."

"Tiny Nate? Awww..", he shut me up with a playfull jab to the ribs, before leading me through the streets. Took me a while to realize that it had been something like a 'date'.

Walking home one night, loud grunts could be heard coming from the corner up ahead. Intrigued, I decided to slowly approach it, peering over to find out the sound's origin. Some man was violently thrusting into another's mouth. The whole scene was dimly lit by a lamppost on the other side of the street.

Immediately thrown off balance by surprise, I staggered and took a step back, decided on ignoring the scene and pretending like it'd never happened. Facing away, the journey home continued until my ears picked up on something that made my blood curdle.

"Beg for it, bitch!", one of the man shouted. Walking slightly faster, there wasn't enough distance between us and the echo of his voice caught up to me easily.

"Please... give it to me... all of it..", the other pleaded. That voice... so familiar. Please let me be wrong it can't be him.

"Good, don't let it spill..." the first man added. What was happening...? "You like sucking dicks, don't you? Fucking faggot!", a loud thud resonated through the street. Was he hitting him?! Peering over again, I saw one of them on the ground, not moving. "Fucking disgusting...", the first man spat, throwing a few coins and leaving, fumbling to tied his pants.

Why couldn't I move back there?... My legs moved for me, when the other man left and I ran over to the limp figure, kneeling beside him.

"Mat...?", a soft whisper caught his attention and he slowly sat up and proceeded to vomit to the side, spasms rushing through his body.

"I'm sorry you had to witness this, Martha...", he mumbled, cleaning his mouth with the shirt's sleeve. He smiled at me, just like he used to. His apologetic expression, whenever he felt like he'd done something wrong and my arms encompassed him, pulling his shivering body tightly against my warm one, a hand caressing his disheveled hair.

"Why are you sorry? I was so worried... I'm the one who's sorry for not standing up for you...", he chuckled at my weepy voice. How could he be so calm after that?

"Aw jeez... you're such a cry baby! I'm fine. Sometimes I just get rougher clients but I'm never in any real danger. I mean.. have you seen these guns?", he laughed, flexing his biceps.

"But.. you got hit pretty bad... look there, your face is swelling up.."

"Come on, stop worrying! And stop crying, or I'll end up crying as well.", he smiled, and only then did I realize the wet trail on my cheeks. "Come on, let's go back to my place, I'll treat you to some tea, deal?", he sounded so light hearted... how? He was doing disgusting things with strangers, he'd just gotten beaten up.. How much of a liar could he be?

Everything had gone pitch black and suddenly, Mat wasn't there anymore. My body felt sore and there was an incessant pounding in my head. Where am I...?

"Hey... Martha, wake up...", a distant voice called. Opening my eyes slowly, Petra was sitting on the edge of the bed, hands holding her head. We were in an unfamiliar room, on the same bed.

"What happened?...", my voice sounded hoarse and no memory of the previous night came to mind. Well, after those few drinks Becca had brought us anyway.

"You passed out.", she groaned. "Fuck... my head hurts so much..."

I'd passed out? On duty? The captain was going to murder me and feed my dismembered body to the titans for having done that... Did I drink that much?

"Where is he?", was the natural question, upon not seeing him inside the room.

"I don't know.. He must've gone back this morning."

"This morning?! What time is it?!", sitting up so suddenly proved to be a terrible idea as my consciousness seem to flee me for a few seconds and all went pitch black. Luckily, I managed to hold myself up, fight through the gnarling pounding on my head and the throbbing on my ribs.

"It's late... Martha, we are so dead... Can you stand up? We should really go back now.", she was already up and washing her face, wincing whenever a loud noise thumped outside.

"I think so... Let's get back."

"Just how irresponsible can you get?!", Erwin was furious at us for drinking on duty. Pointless to say that we'd be cleaning horses for the next month if we were lucky.

"I've told you it was my fault, Erwin.", the captain intervened. It was likely the third time he was taking responsibility for our stupidity.

"We're in high alert, you can't just leave to get drinks like that!", clearly something had tipped his cup earlier. Even with a situation like that, the commander was usually more of the stern type and didn't get enraged easily.

"Sir, we went on a-", my attempt at an explanation didn't work, as he just interrupted me.

"Silence! Don't speak out of term. You are no longer to leave the premises without my knowledge, understood? As for you, Martha and Petra, stables. For the next month. Dismissed.", although my concern for his well being was trying to overtake the control for my body, the rational side won and I decided against staying and asking what had made him so anxious that he was shouting all over the place.

"Captain, the commander-"

"Seemed stressed. Yes, I know.", he killed the conversation there, walking ahead of us. No orders had been issued to our squad so I was heading to my office. Although.. maybe I should apologize to the captain first..

Petra left the procession to meet Eld and the others on the common room and I followed the captain until we'd reached his office.

"Hum.. sir?"

"What?"

"I wanted to apologize.. for yesterday.", his eyes seemed to show a glint of expression but quickly as it came, it disappeared.

"I'm listening."

"Sorry for having passed out. It was irresponsible, and I should've taken more care in the amount I was drinking. It won't happen again."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, I think so..", why did he seem disappointed.. was I meant to say anything else? God, this pounding is messing my head up, now I'm imagining things.

"Fine then, apology accepted. I have work to do now, so leave."

"Certainly, sir.". Having the day off for now gave me a chance to clean the office and eventually I wandered outside the building to sit in front of the wall of the fallen comrades and talk to the kids. Grief wasn't foreign to me but even when I thought I'd finally know how to accept death, reality slapped me hard across the face and no, I didn't know how to deal with it. Not when Fred died, not when mom and dad died, Nate, Mat, Ray, and now the kids.

"You look stuck, Martha.", someone commented from behind me.

"Oh, Hange! It's you... You startled me. What do you mean?"

"I mean that you look like you keep dwelling on the past too much. Keeping so firmly attached to it is worse than just letting go."

"But.. I can't simply forget the people I lost..."

"Of course not, but beating yourself up about it will make you go insane."

"Sometimes you can be really sensible, 'ya know? One might mistake you for a titan loving crazy woman.", a light chuckled rumbled in the back of my throat.

"My love for titans will never die!", she mused, all starry eyed. Maybe she was right.. maybe it was time to let go of what happened and leave those ghosts to rest.

"Oy!", a voice from above shouted.

"Captain?", so his office was just above the wall? What a coincidence...

"Come up here, I got work for you!", right... my punishment from the other day hadn't finished yet so, after saying goodbye to Hange, I went inside and to his office.

"So, you had work for me, sir?"

"Clean everything. The dust is distracting me.", he replied, eyes glued to sheets of paper. "Don't speak."

Very well then... a deep sigh escaped from my lips. It was better than cleaning Oluo's room again. Ugh.. just thinking about those weird tapeworms made my insides turn and my body itch. Besides, the captain's office had a pleasant smell of pine which made it not so bad.