Dinner at the hall was always loud. Amongst the clanking mugs made when touching the wooden tables and the bursts of laughter from cadets, conversations carried on lightly between us officials.
"So, I heard you and Petra went out and got shitfaced yesterday..", Eld started, grinning at our embarrassment.
"Yeah, the commander scolded us thoroughly...", she answered, stuffing her mouth with bread so no one would ask any questions.
"Speaking of the commander...-", my voice trailed off as he was nowhere to be found in the large hall. Had he not come to eat? "Where is he?"
"Beats me...", Gunther answered.
"Haven't seen him either...", Oluo added. Having practically finished my own meal, I excused myself from the table and picked up a new tray of food, heading towards Erwin's office.
"Commander...?", I asked, upon knocking.
"Come in.", a voice ordered from inside. "Oh, lieutenant, it's you."
"I brought dinner, sir. Skipping meals is bad for your health.", he was drowned in papers and letters and more papers. He had a frustrated look on his face, eyes dashing from a sheet to another.
"My health is in excellent condition.", he noted. "What's that you got there? Stew?"
"Yup. Good 'ol pork and potato stew.", the disgust in my voice was noticeable, but hey, food was food and in times likes those, being picky wasn't an option. Taking the bowl to him, my eyes fell on the excessive amount of letters from nobles and members of the other military branches.
"Thanks, Martha. You're always looking after me.", he smiled, lifting the spoon to his lips.
"Hardly.", my hand ruffled his combed hair slightly, light smile on my mouth. "Listen, about yesterday... I'm really sorry. Things got out of hand and I didn't realize how much I actually had to drink and-"
"I've already said what I wanted to say. Don't think a little chit chat is going to get you off stable duty.", he raised an eyebrow at me.
"No, no I'll clean the horses... I just wanted to apologize... We went there to try and gather intel on the intruders but... well, you know the rest."
"God, this stew is terrible...", he cursed under his breath while eating another spoon full.
"So, what's with all this paperwork anyways?". He drew a deep breath followed by a heavy sigh and raised his hand so massage his left temple.
"People who want us to stop going outside, for the most part. This morning there was a meeting and I had hopes that you could've gone with me as well. Darius is starting to doubt us, Martha..."
So that's why he was so angry earlier.. Because of funding cuts.. fuck, I should've gone with him..
"Right now, we don't have enough money to fund another expedition. I suspect that in a couple of months we can do one but if we keep on like this.. I don't know.", seeing him so worried, made me feel worried as well, not just for him but for the future of the Corps and all of the work we'd done. How could those idiots throw away years and years of precious research?! The whole thought make my insides churn in disgust. Those rich lords, living large with big houses while the people outside Sina suffered from hunger and disease... How could they be so indifferent?...
"We'll find a way, Erwin.", leaning over his desk, I reached for a couple of opened letters. "Can I?"
"Sure, go ahead. I'd be glad if you'd help me organize things here. It's chaotic."
Sitting on the floor next to him, he passed me a series of paper sheets. While he read unopened letters, I separated them in supporting faction and opposing faction. Of course, the opposing was the majority but the others deserved credit for believing in what the Corps was doing.
Sadly, the money donations the support group could offer were scarce and what more could we ask of simple farmers and lowly merchants? They'd felt what it was like to be hungry and cold and without a home, specially those who used to live in Maria and any chance of getting back they're homes, even if it was slim was something they'd willingly spend all they could on.
His hand fell on my head and his fingers gently petted the hair, distractedly. I used to do that to Fred when we were kids; when we weren't fighting of course. A light smile flourished on my lips when I thought about those quiet times. Before the Colossal Titan, before the Garrison, before things started to get complicated.
"I don't think I've ever asked you Erwin, but do you have any siblings?"
"Hn? Siblings? Hum... no, not really. I had a dog, he was like a brother. At least, my parents insisted on calling him 'son' as well.", he laughed. "Why do you ask?"
"Because being like this reminded me of my brother... I used to be the one petting him.", I replied, looking up at him. A feathery tear crept into my eye but refused to fall over.
"Oh, sorry.. I didn't mean to bring back sad memories."
"No, no, you didn't.", a finger of mine dried the rogue droplet. "They're happy. I really want to help these people who send us these donations.", reading through the pile of papers, eyes caught hold of a different looking letter. Picking it up, a devious grin lit up my complexion. "Well, well... Mister Commander... what do we have here..."
"What? What's.. give me that!", he tried to take me the lightly perfumed sheet of paper but my arm was too fast in recoiling.
"Mixing business with pleasure, are we...? Oh, it's from... Evelyn...! 'My dearest Erwin-"
"Stop, Martha, come on!", he pleaded, embarrassment reddening his face. Feeling bad for him, I handed the letter over, which he promptly stored in a drawer. "Must've gotten mixed up with the rest by accident..."
"I didn't read it but... That's the woman you always go meet when we get back, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"You love her?", the question fell casually from my lips as my eyes avoided his and searched the upper bookshelves, reading through familiar volumes.
"I... hum.. Yes. I believe so."
"So... you'd like to get married and have little Erwins and Evelyns?", my playful smile had vanished. How I wanted a family back then, with Nate. I wanted to marry him and have kids and take care of them and feel that pride when they grew up to be whatever they wanted. A desire so bitter and deep within me, it started eating its way ever since Nathaniel had died. I'd never let myself fall into another childish trap like that.
"Well.. one day maybe. But with our work, I don't see it happening. For now, we just enjoy each other's company."
"So you won't leave to start a family elsewhere, will you?", my words sounded selfish, like a spoiled kid trying to blackmail its parents. But it's not like it was intentional. Seeing Erwin leave our cause to have children felt incredibly more selfish on his part than my desire for it not to happen.
"No.. what's wrong?", before he delved into deeper waters and reminded me of more unpleasant things, my hand dismissed the issue.
"Nothing, I'm just being a spoiled brat. What would we do without our brave commander?", a light smile, the widest I could muster at the time, thinking about Erwin as a proud father. "Besides, aren't you a bit too old to get married? Look at this saggy neck!", pinching the underside of his jaw playfully, a soft chuckle escaped my lips. It wasn't saggy at all, but teasing him was fun.
"Please, I'm in my prime, Martha.", his expression turned solemn, pretending to be a statue. "Can't you tell?"
"Oh, quite indeed, sir. You look stunning. If you're hair was longer, I'd mistake you for the walking bust of Wall Rose.", we both laughed at the terrible joke.
"Come here.", he pulled me into a soft hug. "Only you to cheer me up, Martha. Thank you for bringing dinner. But you're still on horse duty."
"Ah, damn! And I thought all my sucking up had worked...", was my toothy smiled reply. The door crept open and a raven haired man entered.
"Erwin."
"Oh, Levi.", the commander and I were too close. Instinctively, I backed up a bit, picking up the dinner tray and circling around them to leave.
"Glad I could be of help, sir.", I added before disappearing in the dark corridor.
Heading back towards my own office, which still needed to be cleaned, shadows in the courtyard caught my attention. Through a window, in the edge of the lit area bellow, figures seemed to be speaking. It was curious, because at that time, no one should be wandering about outside.
Rushing out, heavy steps brought me around the corner and then silently, my head peering around it, eyes adjusting poorly to the darkness. It seemed like a cadet was talking to someone but that someone was hidden amongst the trees. Walking slowly, I reached him and planted a heavy palm on his shoulder, startling him.
"So, Reiner! What exactly are you doing around here at this hour?"
"I was just taking a walk, mam.", he answered, face cold like stone.
"Just a walk? You know you can't be here. I suggest you tell me the real reason you came here.", reluctantly, he pulled out a metal case and handed it over to me. Opening it revealed a few cigarettes and a metal lighter.
"I know it's not allowed for us cadets but I really needed a smoke."
"Indeed it's not. I'll let you off with a warning. And I'll keep these. Here, have the lighter.", he tucked it into his pants. "Now scram. Don't let me catch you out here again, understood?"
"Yes mam."
"Good, now leave.", as he walked back, I had a weird feeling like something had slipped past me. But I was tired so, maybe it was all my impression.
Reaching my office, a match was struck and lit the cigarette pressed between my lips. The burning and the coughing came after; I hadn't smoked in ages. Drawing in a deep breath, my hands picked up a letter from my desk. That's new... it came from Katherine and Elizabeth.. Those precious little angels, Mat's sisters... I missed him a lot and the girls did so as well, but now, living with Mrs Lavender, they were better than if I'd taken them.
The Corps' rules didn't allow kids to live there, not that they were little kids anymore, Elizabeth, the older one had even enrolled in the Trainee Corps, wanting to be like her 'big sister'. Lately, there hadn't been any chance to go visit them so we exchanged letters to keep in touch. The girls were to sweet and had been so strong, after Mat.. disappeared during the fall of Maria.
After an hour or so, the office was looking more presentable and didn't have as many scrap paper as it used to. My father's letters laid on the desk as I was unable to decide whether or not to throw them out. Not; was always my decision.
My own stench caught up to me and the smoke smell made me wince. I needed a shower, fast. In my room, a match easily lit up the water heater and I began undressing slowly, inspecting my naked body in the mirror. Purple and yellow splotches marked where recent injuries were still healing and the bruising on my ribs was extensive. The cut in my hand had healed a lot in the last few days and the one on my jaw had healed completely thanks to Hange's weird creams.
Entering the tub, I doused myself with a jar, wetting the cigarette smelling skin before lathering up some soap and beginning to wash my body.
"You and Erwin seem close.", a cool voice broke my low humming. Turning pale, my eyes darted to the raven haired man in the bathroom's entrance.
"Levi, what the fuck?!", a scream came from my lungs, as I hurried to cover myself with myself and sat on the tub, hugging my knees. "What the fuck are you doing here?! Can't you KNOCK?"
"The door was open. And I had shit to tell you. You didn't seem so uncomfortable yesterday with that woman on your lap...", oh, so he did notice it. My cheeks burned from embarrassment. "Maybe you prefer messing around with women..?"
"Fuck sake, captain! I'm not into women or Erwin, what does that even matter?! I'm not used to be seen naked, you of all people! Get out now!", why must he prolong my suffering?
"Fine, I'll leave you to your shit. Go to my office when you're done. That red suits you.", he added before leaving. For fuck sake, did he have to comment on my embarrassed face?! God, idiot captain Levi...
Finally, after showering and dressing myself, I followed his request to meet at his office.