Saturday night and early Sunday morning meant lots of tossing and turning, sleeping for scant minutes and waking up confused and uncomfortable. When the sun finally came up Avery stretched and opened her eyes, well rested and happy.

"Hi mama."

"Mornin' sweetie."

"I got ick breath," Avery sighed, rubbing her eyes and hugging her pillow. "Mama, you miss daddy?"

"I miss daddy a lot."

"You have dreams. I hear you. You wanted daddy."

"I must have been talking in my sleep."

"Yeah. You say daddy's name lots."

"I had a hard time sleeping last night. I don't sleep good without daddy sometimes."

"Daddy hug you an' make you feel better."

"Yes he does."

Avery nodded and sat up, shaking her hair out of her face and looking outside.

"It a most beautiful day," she said after a moment. "I hear granna make food. I go downstairs. You come too?"

"I'm going to try and get some more rest. You go ahead downstairs."

Avery got up from the bed and stretched then sighed and looked back at Lindsay.

"Want you come with me."

"I'll be down in a bit. Go see if you can get some snuggles from papa."

"Okay."

Avery toddled out of the room and Lindsay stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying to settle her stomach. She always went to church with her parents when she was in town and she didn't hate it, actually she mostly enjoyed it. But going to church also meant being right by the cemetery, feeling the pull to visit, the guilt when she tried to talk herself out of it. It had been three and a half years since her last visit, and the desire to stay in bed and ignore it wasn't going away. She knew without a doubt that if she didn't visit, went home and never walked up that hill to those graves, she would regret the cowardly actions and lose even more sleep over it.

Reaching over to the side table, she grabbed her phone and called Adam, yawning as she waited for him to answer.

"Hey honey."

"Hi."

"You're up early."

"Didn't sleep, really. Then the sun came up and… well, Avery."

"You okay? Why didn't you sleep?"

"Thinking about the girls. Missing you."

"I miss you too."

"Talk to me for a little bit. I don't want to get up yet."

"Okay. Well, I took the boys to a hockey game last night."

"How did they like that?"

"Colton didn't want me to explain anything, he wanted to figure it out himself. Ben was pretty disinterested until there was a fight and he jumped up on his chair and screamed "You gotta hug it out!" three or four times until he realized that the players couldn't hear him but everyone around us could, and he sat down and watched the rest of the game through his fingers. And Junior was jumping up and down, screaming at the top of his lungs most of the time."

"Sounds about right. Did Junior sleep over?"

"Yeah, they slept in front of the TV in a fort. I haven't heard them yet so I think they're still asleep."

"What are you guys going to do today?"

"I think when they wake up we'll go for donuts and after that I'm not sure. Wish you girls were here though."

"Me too. When Avery and I went to bed last night she rattled on for almost an hour about how much she loves the boys and misses them and wants to play with them."

"Does she love me and miss me and want to play with me too?"

"You were mentioned briefly."

"How 'bout you? Love me, miss me, want to play with me?"

She giggled and spun her wedding ring around her finger letting a few cheeky answers run through her mind.

"Yes, very much, and I'll see you tomorrow, so be prepared."

"I will be."

"I should get up now. I'd much rather lay here and talk to you for the next five hours though."

"That's okay, I just heard the TV go on really loud."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Call me later."

They hung up and she stretched, yawning and craving a cup of coffee and a few hours of sleep, maybe not in that order. There was a soft knock on the door and she looked up, finding her mom in the doorway, already dressed for church.

"Honey, do you want breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm coming. Just a slow start this morning."

Anne nodded and walked across the room, sitting down on the bed and giving Lindsay a worried look.

"Mom?"

"You don't have to go today."

"I want to."

"I know it's hard."

"Sometimes. I stopped going and believing because I was mad. I was mad and I wanted to blame God because it's so much easier to think He's some grand puppet master than it is to understand free-will and mercy and grace in the same structure. I still haven't gotten that down, but I accept the fact that I may never get it. Sometimes it's hard to go, but it's not really because of what happened. Mostly it's because I grew up and I left it behind and now I don't know where it goes anymore. I'm not proud of that."

Anne didn't say anything for a while and they sat in silence, staring out the window.

"I think that's the most personal thing you've ever told me."

"Maybe so."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Come downstairs before your dad and daughter eat everything."

"Avery always eats my bacon. Every time there is bacon in the house she eats hers and then she eats mine."

"But no one else's?"

"Nope."

Familiar words and music flooded her mind all morning, keeping away the thoughts of the past, the thoughts of the hillside across the street, the thoughts of anything that had once made her stomach lurch. Sitting there in the pew next to her mom, holding her daughter in her arms, everything seemed so right and peaceful and she closed her eyes, letting it all sweep over her, brushing away the cobwebs in her mind that still held her back, that hid themselves so far in the crevices that she didn't even remember they were there. It was impossible to banish them completely, but the victory was in being able to clear them away a little, having even that much power over it.

A small hand slid over hers, tracing the lines carefully, over and over again, soft and soothing. After a few minutes she opened her eyes and smiled down at Avery who was looking at her quizzically. Neither one of them said anything, just shared a quiet moment, hands clasped together and living in one memory.

"Mama, I love you," Avery whispered after a while, wrapping her arms around Lindsay's neck and sighing softly.

"I love you too Averylin."

They sat like that for the rest of the service and when it was over, noise broke over them, startling them both out of the calm they'd surrendered to. Avery sat up and rubbed her eyes, giving Lindsay a big smile and wiggling around a little.

"Mama, lunch?"

"We'll have lunch when we get back to granna and papa's. I need to go do something before that though."

"Oh. I go with you."

"Not today sweetie. You can go back to the house and help granna make lunch. If you ask really nice, she'll let you be her taste tester."

"Ooh, I do that! I be good at it."

They nodded together and stood up from the pew, noticing that the rain which had started suddenly this morning had slowed into a gentle drizzle.

"Hey mom, I'm going to stay behind and-"

"Lindsay?"

It was a voice from the past, familiar and new at the same time and Lindsay turned slowly, bracing herself for something she could only imagine.

"Kristina."

It was like looking back over twenty years at Kelly, but seeing so far into the future at the same time. Kristina had been six years younger but always looked so much like Kelly, and as she stood here now, the resemblance was even more striking. It stopped Lindsay's breath in her throat for just a second before she recovered, trying to smile and feel out the situation.

"I didn't know you were in town."

"I… just for the weekend."

There was another moment where neither of them knew what to say.

"Hi! I Avery Grace Ross! What your name, lady?"

Kristina chuckled and took Avery's offered hand.

"I'm Kristina. Your mommy and I knew each other a long time ago."

"Oh. You not old?"

The tension broke and they both laughed while Avery shrugged her shoulders in confusion.

"I know your family does a big lunch after church but I was wondering if you would come over to mom and dad's later and have dessert with us," Kristina rushed, stopping to take a breath. "I mean if you can't that's fine, but we just thought… we haven't seen you in so long."

Lindsay's heart sped up at the prospect, wondering if there was a legitimate excuse to get out of this. She hadn't been to that house again once the girls were gone, she'd never spent time with Kelly's family after that, despite their house being her second home for so many years. She may have felt peaceful and strong twenty minutes ago, but at the moment she felt weak and conflicted and scared.

"What time?" she asked finally.

"About seven. Do you want to come too, miss Avery Grace Ross?"

"Oh yes. I go with my mama. She mine. We together."

"Alright. If you guys can't come, your mom has my number. Just give me a call."

"Um… okay. Thanks."

And just as quickly as she'd appeared, Kristina was gone. Lindsay stood rooted to the spot, taking deep breaths and wondering if she'd made the right decision in agreeing to do this.

"Honey? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Could you guys take Avery home? I'll meet you there in a while."

Anne frowned but took Avery from her.

"We can wait here for you while you go up and-"

"No, I'm going to need to walk afterwards," she said, pulling her jacket on and making sure her phone was in her pocket just in case.

"It's three miles."

"I know. I'll be fine."

Anne didn't argue but did make sure her face of disapproval was seen.

"You be good for granna, okay baby?"

"But mama, we together!"

"I know. I need to go do somethin' by myself for a bit. It's really important, okay?"

"Well okay. Snuggles later?"

"Absolutely, baby. Gimme a kiss."

"It be sloppy," Avery warned before kissing her. "An' spitty. Sorry."

"That's okay honey. I'll be back later."

She headed out of the small church building and put the hood of her jacket up, bracing herself against the wind as she walked across the road and up the hill, taking her time before walking to the space she had visited so many times before. For a moment she wished that she had a chair, but found that the roots of the old oak tree remained dry, so she sat down on them, shoving her hands into her pockets and taking a deep breath before she started speaking, a very uncharacteristic act that had always come so naturally to her.

"Hi guys. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've been out here. Life has gotten crazy. I have a little girl now. She's almost three and a half and she is crazy. You guys would love her. Everybody says she's just like me but I think she's even weirder. The boys are getting so big. Ben is so funny, even though he decided to stop talking so much, he still makes me laugh with the things he says. His hugs could cure anything, I swear. And Colton… he's been through so much in the last few years and he's grown up so much. He's so smart and sometimes I still wonder how I got so lucky with him. He's just like his daddy."

She fell into silence for a few minutes, looking up through the tree leaves at the sky and breathing gently.

"I wish you guys were here. I wish you could see life and the world and everything you missed out on. I hate that I get all that and you guys didn't. You didn't even get a chance. I'm so sorry. Life is amazing. Even when things go wrong and you fight with your husband and your kids are wild and the car breaks down and your best friend is busy and you never see her and work has been kicking your butt and you just want to scream about how much life sucks, even then it still really is amazing. There are so many little things that happen that you don't even realize until you think about it in reverse. All these moments that you noticed but didn't appreciate at the time. Remember I told you about Jo? She says we've got to stop pressing our noses against the glass of life and step back and look at the picture. You can appreciate the little things more when you see how they work in the big stuff. I try to do that. Especially for you guys. I don't want to take anything for granted.

"Guys, I'm scared. I know it's ridiculous, but what happened to us, I worry it's going to happen to Avery. I know it's not but as she gets older the feeling gets worse. Maybe I'm just afraid of the things she'll go through in life, the normal things, you know? It's so hard to explain to anyone else. No one else went through any of this except you guys and you can't talk back."

A lump formed in her throat and she sniffled, looking down at her hands to try and stop the tears.

"I need you guys. I wish you were here."

She let the tears flow then, tears that usually stayed in close check while she was here because she never felt worthy to visit these graves, much less weep at them. Shame and guilt pounded down on her and she stood up, unable to even say goodbye, knowing she needed to get out.

Her feet moved quickly down the hill and to the main road where she slowed slightly, jamming her hands into her pockets and crying as she walked, feeling like the emotions of this trip were so big and conflicting that she couldn't muddle through them on her own. Home was comfort, but home was also the past and all she wanted now was to be in her own home, one that didn't hold memories of this time, didn't cause her to dream of bloodstains and screaming and loss.

She wasn't sure how long she'd walked or how far, or even if she was going the right direction, when she heard someone coming down the road. Glancing up, she stopped walking, breathing heavily as her dad pulled the truck up beside her.

"It's freezing out here little girl. C'mon, get inside."

She didn't argue but walked around and slid into the truck, pulling the door shut behind her and not bothering to put her seatbelt on as Dale pulled over to the side of the road and turned the truck off.

"Daddy."

He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid halfway across the seat to her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head while she cried.

"You're safe, Lindsay. Everyone is safe. It's okay."

"When does it get easier?"

"It doesn't. You just get stronger."

"I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of hurting and being afraid."

"You're not afraid, Lindsay."

"Yes I am. I'm scared for the kids, especially Avery and-"

"Do you think that no other parent looks at this world and worries for their kids?"

She was quiet, knowing that he was right in essence but that there was a much more deep seated fear to her worries.

"I know you can't just stop worrying and I would never ask you to. But what you're worried about is your worries becoming so much that you hold the kids back from life."

"Yeah."

"Well don't do it then."

His answer seemed so simple, not like he was ignoring the problem, but letting her know it was something she was going to have to battle with more and more.

"Let's go home."

She nodded and buckled her seatbelt, wiping her eyes, wishing this day was over.

Conversation over dessert that night was light and happy, almost as if they were all old friends catching up, rather than old friends bonded eternally together by the tragedy of loss. It was like being a kid again to some degree, sitting around this table with people she'd known most of her life, teasing and joking. What she'd had with Kelly's family was similar to what her own kids had with the Messers and a little part of her longed to have it back for herself.

"Mama!" Avery said breathlessly, running over to the table with Kristina's little boy hot on her heels. "Me an' Travis havin' fun!"

"I'm glad sweetie."

"We take him home with us?"

"We can't do that. Don't you think he'd miss his mama?"

"Well yes," she answered, pondering that for a moment. "How 'bout he come visit? Oh… he not wanna play with me an' Sarah. Too many girls. We come back to Montana lots?"

"Maybe we can do that."

"Okay!"

They ran off again and Lindsay shook her head, wishing she could bottle up some of Avery's energy and use little bits of it throughout the day.

"There is no doubt that child is yours."

"Wait until she really gets going. We found her in the backyard the other day making mud pies. Which would have been fairly normal except that she was peeing in order to make the mud."

"That is disgusting."

"Girlfriend got a really long bath after that."

"Now wait a minute, didn't I once find you girls making mud pies in the backyard with my morning pot of coffee?"

"That was for flavor!" Lindsay laughed, suddenly remembering the incident. "And if I recall correctly, we were making those pies for your birthday."

"Apple don't fall far from the tree," Kristina decided as the kids rushed back into the room. Avery's eyes wide.

"Mama, I need… I need go… um… I need use the toilet!" she announced in a shy whisper, looking around the table out of the corner of her eye to make sure no one had heard what she said. They all feigned ignorance as she tugged on Lindsay's hand and pulled her to her feet.

"We'll be right back," Lindsay said, excusing herself from the table and taking Avery upstairs to the bathroom.

"Do you need help or do you want privacy?"

"Privacy mama. But I yell if I need ya!"

Lindsay chuckled and shut the door most of the way, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes, managing to make it ten seconds before she had to look across the hall at Kelly's room. The door was shut but not latched and she felt her feet moving towards it, while her heart hung back, not wanting to go.

She pressed on the door with the tips of her fingers, listening as it creaked open, hearing her feet on the carpet, crossing the threshold into the room. Her eyes flew open and her breath caught in her throat.

Blanketed in chilly grey light from the window and the ever darkening sky outside, she could imagine light and warmth streaming in, Kelly sitting at the vanity putting make-up on while she herself danced about the room to Brooks and Dunn's My Maria, crooning along and making a fool of herself without fear of rejection. Kelly giggled and stared at two tubes of lipstick, almost exactly the same color, wondering which one to pick. Sixteen-year-old Lindsay crossed the room and swiped one of the tubes, using it on herself and forcing Kelly to choose the other. They laughed together, nary a word passing between them as Kelly stood up to change her outfit one last time. A young Kristina burst into the room and begged to go with them, trying to pay her way with everything in her piggy bank. Her frown and whine earned her a shove out of the room and the door closed in her face, as such antics usually did. They heard her pouting on the other side of the door for a moment before Kelly reached over and turned the radio up, using her hairbrush to sing along to Beaches of Cheyenne for a moment before sitting back down to do battle with her hair. Lindsay walked across the room and took over, humming along with the music and brushing through Kelly's hair a few times before taming it with a clip and a liberal amount of hairspray. Kelly gave a nod of approval then stood up and motioned for Lindsay to sit down so she could return the favor.

Soon jean jackets were being pulled on, boots traded and clunked against the floor, faces and outfits checked one last time, the radio turned down but not off as they headed out of the room.

"You shouldn't be in here."

She turned slowly at the voice, snapping back to the present. The radio was still running, must have been since that night. Nothing in the room had changed. The make-up and hair brush were still on the vanity, Lindsay's own clothes were folded on the end of the bed as she'd borrowed some of Kelly's that night. The only thing in the room that wasn't still stuck on that night was the music. It wasn't brand new, but still relevant and Lindsay closed her eyes again, holding onto to now. Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies…put them in my lamp to light my world…All dressed up in a tux and bowtie…. Hand delivered to a lonely girl…

"Lindsay I don't want you in here."

"I'm sorry Connie, I just… I needed to see…"

"Get out."

"But-"

"Leave."

Taken aback by the sudden change, Lindsay looked up, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to find something to say.

"She was my best friend," she whispered finally. "I loved her so much, Connie."

"You think I don't know that? You think it's easy to see you now, with the life my daughter should have had? Do you think I really wanted you here today?"

"But… you saved me! You were the one that shook me awake and made me stop being so reckless-"

"I did that for Kelly, not for you. I wouldn't have cared one way or the other but I knew she wouldn't have wanted to see you like that. I had to do it for her, as much as I didn't care, as much as I hated you."

"It wasn't my fault! I would have given anything to have died with them Connie! Don't you understand that? I didn't want to be alive without them!"

"I don't care what you wanted. I lost my daughter. Compared to that, you didn't lose anything."

"This room was the last safe place," Lindsay muttered, more to herself than to Connie. "I just needed to see it again. I'm sorry."

"Please just leave. Don't come back."

Lindsay nodded and went out to the hallway where Avery was standing with tears streaming down her cheeks, her fingers in her mouth, trying to keep quiet.

"Mama."

"It's okay baby. Time to go."

"Mama, you cry, you yell."

"I'm sorry. Let's go home now."

"But Travis."

"We need to leave, Averylin."

Quickly she went down the stairs, grabbing their coats and not even bothering to make excuses to Kristina and Bill as they headed out the door and to the car. Avery sniffled and wiped at her eyes and Lindsay wanted to reassure her that everything was okay, but she didn't want to take the time for that, she needed to get out.

They drove for quite a while in silence, radio tuned to the same station that had been playing for over twenty years in Kelly's room; rain beat against the car in competition with the music and before long she had to pull over into a parking lot because she couldn't see through the tears anymore. Turning the car off she rested her arms on the steering wheel and leaned forward, dropping her head and crying hard while Avery whimpered in the back seat. She couldn't catch her breath long enough to explain, so she stopped trying, sitting there for several minutes before finally gaining a little control and finding her phone in the depths of her coat pocket. Shaking fingers punched a few buttons and she held it up to her ear with one hand, using the other to reach into the backseat and take Avery's foot, establishing a connection that seemed to calm both of them for the moment.

"Hey Lin, what's up?"

The four simple words, her best friends voice and the fact that somewhere life was normal again all made her shake with sobs, so hard she couldn't breathe.

"Lin, calm down. Talk to me, what happened? Take a deep breath, it's okay. C'mon, you're alright. Talk to me Lin."

"I want to come home. I don't ever want to come back here."

"Lindsay please talk to me."

She managed to spit the story out in fits and starts, taking deep breaths to try and stop the stuttering.

"Lindsay, what she said doesn't matter."

"It does."

"No it doesn't. She is still grieving, she always will be. You know grief, you know that it creates anger. Seeing you reminds her that it could have been her daughter that survived but it wasn't. Seeing you makes her grieve again Lindsay. But it's not because of you yourself. It's because you remind her of what she once had."

"It's not my fault!" she protested, gripping Avery's foot a little tighter.

"I know. Lindsay, it's not your fault that it happened and it's not your fault that you survived when no one else did, and no one should hate you for that. You should be allowed to hurt just like everyone else. You don't have to regret that you lived, just to satisfy everyone else. You lived for something much bigger. It doesn't matter what anyone says. You are worth just as much as they are."

"She hates me."

"No she doesn't. She just has not let herself grieve. She's still mad."

Lindsay breathed heavily as Avery finally managed to wiggle enough to reach forward to hold her hand.

"Mama."

"Lin, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah."

"Where are you?"

"I pulled over. Not sure where."

"Are you safe?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to take a deep breath and then drive back to your parents house, okay? Let me know when you get there."

"Okay."

"I love you. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you."

"I love you Lindsay."

"I love you too."

"You be safe okay? I'll see you tomorrow night and we'll talk some more."

"Thank you. Please don't tell Adam any of this."

"Why?"

"He'll just worry. I'll tell him when I get home, just don't call him or anything."

"I won't. Promise me you'll tell him."

"I'll tell him."

"Okay. You good to drive?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"I'll talk to you a little later."

"Bye Aust."

She hung up the phone and leaned back in the seat, rubbing at her eyes.

"Mama, you okay?"

"I'm okay baby."

"I want hug you."

"I know. Let's go back to papa and granna's and we can climb in bed and get cozy and I'll tell you what happened today."

"Okay mama. Love you so most."

"I love you too."

They got back on the road and drove for a while until they reached the house. Avery was very sleepy by that point, and Lindsay took her carefully from the car, holding her close and kissing her a few times.

"Mama, I tired. We go sleep."

"I know. We'll pile up lots of blankies and get nice and warm and listen to the rain."

"I happy you my mama."