"You wanted to see me, sir?"
"Yes, close the door. Sit.", he sounded dry, staring behind his desk, hands laced together, in front of his pursed lips.
"Is something wrong?", he looked more stern than usual, but maybe the fact that he'd caught me in the shower made me hyper aware of his eyes raking over my body.
"Erwin talked to me about the Corps' money problem. He asked me to find a quick solution, until he could talk to them again."
"And...?"
"I heard you have friends in the Military Police."
"I do, sir. But what about it-?"
"We are going to Underground. Write them and make up whatever you want, as long as it gets us inside."
"Hm... okay, understood. Who else knows?"
"You, Erwin and I. Tomorrow I'll pick a cadet to help out. Don't mention this to anyone, got it?"
"Yes, sir. I'll send the letter first thing in the morning; the post has probably closed by now. Is that all you had to tell me, sir?", he paused for a second, eying me up slowly.
"Bring tea to my room.", ugh. Still under the punishment from that day, when would it end...?
"Sure... sir.", heavy sigh escaped my lips as I got up, walking towards the door.
"How are your ribs?", the question stopped me from turning the knob all the way.
"My ribs, sir? They're... better, I guess.. Why do you ask?", the sudden realization that he'd seen the purple and yellow bruises just a few minutes before, drew blood up to my face. Was he asking because of that?!...
"Get a move on, lieutenant.", he answered, cutting off the conversation short. That was weird... that captain asking about her? Well, it was a nice change from his usually blunt and uninterested self. I certainly wasn't complaining. Brewing the tea took an unexpectedly long time, so my mind was already prepared to receive his scolding.
"Sir...?", I asked, knocking on the wooden door. No answer came from the inside. He said to go to his room, right? Well... there'd be no problem if I'd just left the tray on his desk and went back to my quarters... "Coming in, sir.", my decided voice announced as the knob turned in sync with my hand.
Despite all those years and the night peeking I'd done whenever his light was on late at night, it was only the second time I'd actually been inside his room. In almost all aspects it wasn't any different from mine. It had a bed, a chair, and not much more but the floor was spent far beyond any other I'd seen in the building – probably from all his night cleaning habit.
The smell of pine came from a small bottle and a deep inhale of it made my spine perk up with a shiver. The door leading to the bathroom was closed and only then did I realize that maybe the captain was taking a shower. If it had been someone else surprising me in my own bathtub, this would be the perfect time for revenge but, who knows what sort of wicked punishment he'd come up with if I were to take a peek at him bathing...
Setting the tray on the small table beside his bed, I turned to the bookshelf that had little to no books whatsoever, reading through the titles. Nothing really stood out, some were about gear and terrain features but, on the far end of the shelf was a small thin book. Taking it into my hands carefully, the title wrote 'Icarus' in worn out ink.
From the pictures and lack of much text, it was clear that it was meant for kids but why would the captain have something like that? A boy with raven hair was on the front page, soaring with wings through clouds. The binding was a disgrace, half undone, and the pages were yellow and half torn. Such a shame to see a book in a condition like that but new books or people who knew how to repair them were hard to find and we didn't have money to waste on things like that.
Besides, what use would a children's book be of to the Corps?
"Who gave you permission to touch that?", a cold, harsh voice made me jump, almost letting the book fall to the floor.
"Um.. I.. Sorry, sir... I-I~"
"Give me that.", he extended his hand towards me, waiting for it. Small water droplets still clung to his skin, and without noticing, my eyes had been raking over his semi naked body. The only thing covering him up was a towel, tied around his waist. Muscles perfectly defined from years of training, damp hair softened back as he himself kept staring at the title cover of the book. Once I noticed how my sight had betrayed me, heat rushed up to my cheeks and, with a nod, I excused myself.
"Your tea is on the tray, sir. If you don't need me anymore, I'll be going now. Good night.", my back was already turned, as I paced towards the door.
"Didn't take you for the 'shy kind', lieutenant.", he noted, the clattering sound indicating he'd picked up the teacup. "This looks better than those mugs, at least. You can go."
Closing the door behind me and knowing there was a physical barrier between me and him brought an instant relief to the heart thumping in my chest. There I was, sitting in the hallway, against the cold stone, trying to stop whatever was going on inside me that had triggered such a reaction. Not like I'd never seen him shirtless but... that scent and the water and just... who even cares, right? He's a superior officer, a captain and that meant basically 'off limits'. But he did have a good body...
It was sort of weird... that he had that book.. did he bring it from the Underground? Maybe Erwin would know... Why did I even want to know that? Focus, he's just another man with a nice scent
That night, my dreams were filled with memories of Nathan and I, before the attack.
"What? You taught the captain how to read? No way, Erwin, you're kidding...", first thing in the morning, I'd gone and see Erwin, not only because of the whole secret mission issue but on a personal note about that 'Icarus' book.
"I'm telling you, Martha. His reading skills weren't all that unusual, he'd been in there his whole life, no one would expect him to even know how to read. He could do so with simple words, I just helped him get better at it."
"Hm.. I see. And what about that kids' book? Was it his?"
"No, I had it here. He picked it up randomly and asked me if he could keep it. I didn't see a reason not to give it to him. Why?"
"Nothing... just wondering what the captain was doing with a children's book... I don't even know what it's about."
"Neither do I, to be honest. Anyway, you're not here to only discuss books, I assume."
"Indeed, I'm not. The letter to my friends. Here it is.", a carefully sealed envelope was set on the commander's desk.
"Thank you. It's a great advantage to have friends in the police. Keep them."
"I will. They were my best friends, after all."
"Weren't they at the trial?"
"Yeah, they looked mortified... I imagine I looked like complete shit as well."
"At least you were alive.", he smiled.
"That's true. Oh, I almost forgot, do you have any maps of the Underground district? I know Levi knows the place, but I'd be more comfortable if I also knew the bare minimum about it."
"Sure. Let me look for it.", while he rummaged through the map filled bookcases, my mind wandered about how Levi's life must've been back there.
Did he live with parents? Had any siblings?... Ray never talked much about her life back there, so it must've been pretty bad although, she did talk about Feng and it was evident at the time that she loved him like a father. Well, he certainly acted more like a father than mine-
"Here you go.", Erwin's voice interrupted my train of thought. "Why the serious face?"
"Nothing, just thinking about my family."
"You miss them?"
"Sometimes... We weren't that 'happy' of a family... but I guess it wasn't half bad."
"Well, speaking of family, this letter came for you, it's from Marla Sanchez's parents.", my heart skipped a beat hearing her name and when my hands reached out to grab the letter, they were visibly shaking.
"I'll go, now. I have to supervise this morning's training session.", he knew I was probably lying but let it slip. Whatever insults Marla's family had to hurl at me in that letter didn't matter – it wouldn't bring her back. But still, the sharp sting in my chest when I thought about her hadn't gone away and probably wouldn't for a long time to come.
Turns out, it really was my turn to check on the kids and oversee the morning exercises, as Zackarias came to my office just as I was about to open the letter and probably wallow in misery for the following hour. I was glad to set the unopened envelope aside and go to the courtyard, where the cadets were already waiting for orders. Strangely, while scouting the rows of cadets, Jaeger was nowhere to be seen.
"Does anyone know where Eren is?"
"Major Hange said he wasn't going to train with us today, mam.", Armin answered.
"Hm, very well then, let's begin."
Finally, my shift was over. Closing the door of the office behind me, I was alone, looking at the letter I'd completely forgotten about. The envelope wasn't new and the wax used to seal it was merely dripped on it, without the usual pattern most nobles imprinted on it. With a deep breath, I read the first line, already waiting to be further insulted.
After the incident with Kayla's father, that had left me with a cut on my jawline, I still wanted to go and personally tell the others' parents what had happened. They deserved to know and, even thought Erwin advised me to take another official when traveling to their houses, I declined – it wasn't a matter of pride that kept me from asking another person to come with me... it was more.. I don't know, I wanted it to be personal. Me, as a person and dear friend of those kids, not only their superior.
We are sorry about what we did to you.
This was the first sentence in the letter. And then, I knew that they weren't going to insult me anymore, they weren't going to blame me for their daughter's death. Seeing so much kindness coming from people who lost their oldest daughter, their apologies written in poor paper and blurred ink, from where tears must've fallen had me unable to progress more than a couple of paragraphs at a time.
Anguish clawed up my throat, reading about how much she talked about the team at home, how she considered us her second family, and how happy she was that she'd get to do what she did. And tears started streaming, unable to be contained any further. I, hearing their insults with a calm and composed face, knowing that they were just grieving and needed someone to blame, to actually have these people tell me they were sure I'd never done anything other than try to protect Marla... it was simply too much.
After reading the two fully written pages, I covered my head with my hands and cried, face resting on the desk of the office, hoping that the pain stabbing my chest stopped and I could breathe again, that I could for once stop thinking about them and that they could just rest in peace.
A knock on the door made me realize how inappropriate of a state I was in. "Martha?", the person called.
"Just a minute!", hurrying to dry the tears and to cool the red and puffy face, I slowly walked towards the door, opening it and turning my back to the person outside. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, the captain was requesting our presence in the dungeon but he didn't say what for.", it was Petra. Her calm voice made me even more anxious – I didn't want her to see me like this.
"I see... I'll be there in a moment. Go on ahead without me.", I answered, trying to keep a level-toned voice.
"Martha, are you okay...? You seem anxious...", she said, her footsteps drawing near.
"I'm fine... just.. leave, Petra, okay? Please.", the tears pushed forward again and just... why couldn't she just leave already?!
"Hey, what's wrong?... What's-", she paused when she saw my red face, wet trails from where the drops had passed previously. Nostrils flared, teeth clamped up against each other, trying to keep that distressed sobbing sound in. "Why are you crying, what happened?"
And then I couldn't hold back any longer. My arms found her neck, and my face buried itself in her shoulder, shaking with each whimper.
"I miss them so much, Petra... I-I can't take this.. Why did they have to die?!", and other incoherences were babbled by my trembling lips, mixed with sobs and pained groans. She didn't ask what had happened or try to say anything. Instead, she hugged me tightly, hands gently petting my back and hair, letting her calm breath and heart beat ease my own and slowly sooth me, until I was too spent to cry anymore.
Placing a soft kiss on my head, she let me calm down completely before releasing me from the hug. "You don't need to carry on so much guilt, Martha... I know I was pretty harsh in the past but... this will pass and you won't feel like this forever."
"But I miss them so much..."
"I know... but it's our job and... nevermind. Let's meet the captain – he's waiting for us."
"What's the matter, sir?", I asked, as we got down the stairs.
"That brat has been trying to chew himself.", he answered.
"What...?", Petra inquired further.
"Take a look for yourselves.", the captain pointed at Eren's shackled arms, full of bite marks. He was sound asleep, probably due to Hange's sleeping medicine. It was weird, although... usually, his titan powers would heal him up pretty fast but, that must've meant that they couldn't be activated whenever he was hurt... Interesting, I wonder what Hange thought about it...
"This is horrible... What's gotten into him?", Petra had always cared for Eren, despite everything he did and so she acted a bit like his mother at times.
"I don't know. Shitty Glasses seems to be MIA at the moment, so we'll have to wait until she gets here to know."