Chapter 20: A shocking discovery.
The trial against Hans went smoothly, since there was a ton of evidence against him, like Elsa's blood on his clothes and clasp-knife, his handprints on my destroyed cell-phone, and of course mine and Elsa's injuries. Besides, there were five witnesses, including myself, Elsa, Ariel, Cinderella and Aurora, the last three having declared that Hans told them he'd do something bad to me that day, but they didn't know what… only Snow, who had to pay a fair amount of money as compensation to avoid landing in jail for complicity. Her stepmother was furious though, and I heard she'll be sending her far away to live with her seven uncles as punishment. Serves her well.
Hans, on the other hand, will be spending at least 24 years in prison for attempted rape and murder with aggravated assault, which is good news… for me, of course, not for him. Even if I had to tell the full story (including how he used to force me to kiss him and touch him and other things in school) in front of the court and my parents for the judge to put such a high sentence on him. It was hard, I cried like a little girl and felt utterly ashamed and dirty as I narrated the events… but whatever, at least Elsa and my parents were there to comfort me and assure me they didn't think any less of me after what I'd narrated.
However, it's all in the past now, and I'm willing to move on and forget this traumatic experience as I happily live my life with my family and my girlfriend.
We just got out of the trial and we're exhausted, so my parents are taking the rest of the day off today, even if their plan was originally to return to work after the trial. Father still went to the lab to put in an order for some things though, but he should be back in an hour or so, while mother is taking us home in her car (she insisted that Elsa stayed for lunch) and talking with my girlfriend about school stuff, but I'm honestly too tired to engage in the conversation, so I just sit there and doze off until we arrive at my house.
We all exit the car and get in before my mother tells me:
"I'll just buy a pizza, is that alright?" I nod, as well as Elsa, as she continues. "I'll order your favorite."
"Thanks mom." I smile at her before taking Elsa's hand and leading her upstairs to my room. As soon as we arrive, I practically launch myself to the bed and sigh as the soft mattress helps me relax my tense muscles. I then eye at Elsa, who is still at the doorframe and pat the bed at my side to silently ask her to lay beside me. She approaches and sits at my bed, but doesn't lie down, instead staring at me with concern. "What?" I ask confused, I thought everything was just fine.
"Was what you said true? The things Hans forced you to do?" She asks, her voice trembling slightly.
"Well… I wouldn't say that he forced me..." I start, sitting up and trying not to dwell to deep in my memories of those times. "More like coerced me. But hey, it's in the past." I laugh to brush it off and talk of happiest things, but apparently Elsa isn't about to let it go easily.
"It's the same!" She practically yells. "He made you do something you didn't want to and you still let him continue until things went too far."
"So what? Now it's my fault that he tried to rape me?" I retort, a little exasperated at the tone Elsa used on me.
"No, that's not…" She pauses, probably trying to calm down. "I just… don't you care about yourself?" The sad and worried look she gives me is enough to pull me out of my defensive state, and I understand she is just trying to help me, even if I want to avoid the memories like the plague.
"I… Elsa look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I really want to leave all in the past." When she remains as impassive as always, I make puppy-dog eyes and pout. "Please? Forget about it and let's just make out." I see her bit her lip as she struggles to stay firm, and I'm thinking I've already won when she closes her eyes and speaks again.
"Look, I'll tell you what." She says, opening her eyes but wisely avoiding looking at my pout. "If you talk to me about that, we'll make out."
"Ugh, fine." I sigh, knowing there's no way out this time. "What do you want to know? I already narrated it all to the court."
And I don't plan on repeating any of it.
"I don't want to know the facts… obviously. I want to know…" She pauses, thinking. "What made you submit yourself to that? What was happening in your head when you agreed to do everything Hans said even if you didn't want to?"
"Well…" I swallow, closing my eyes and attempting to remember the facts without remember the feelings, as I did (or rather tried) in the trial (and I still cried my lungs out), but the problem is that Elsa asked me about my feelings, so there's really no escape now. "At first it was because… I really thought he loved me, and he was so handsome and nice that I just… I guess I tried to force myself to love him, hoping he'd someday love me back and… m-make me his girlfriend." I admit, desperately trying not to cry, but losing the battle miserably, if the tears rolling down my cheeks were any indication.
"Oh, Anna." Elsa pulls me towards her and hugs me tightly.
"And then…" I continue, unable to hold my words back now that there's a little opening in the walls around my heart. "Then he started calling me a whore and some other n-n-nasty things." I clench my teeth, trembling in anger and despair, and Elsa starts softly caressing my back, trying to calm me down. "And I…!" I start, but I paused, unable to let the next words leave my mouth, but at the same time fighting to let them out. I know they'll hurt me if I say them, but I also know they are already hurting me more trapped inside my mind, so I keep trying until I finally succeed. "I believed them!" I scream. "I believed them and I thought no one would ever want someone as filthy as me, so I-I just…" I clench my hands, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets until my knuckles turn white. "I-I just thought I should as well d-d-do as Hans told me, as he was the only one who wanted me."
"Anna…" Elsa starts to say, but I cut her as I kiss her intently on her lips, so hard and messy that our teeth end up clashing, but I don't care and I practically push her into the mattress and lay on top of her, attacking her mouth with kisses. I'm not even enjoying it as much as I usually do, since this came out more from desperation than from love and Elsa isn't even reciprocating, but I don't care, I need this.
"Tell me that you want me, Elsa! Tell me that…" I don't even finish my sentence when Elsa pushes me away from her and stares at me worriedly.
"Anna, listen…" She starts, but I don't want to hear it. I just need reassurance, and she isn't giving it to me. She's rejecting me.
"Do you want me or not?!" I yell histerically. "Am I not pretty enough? Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of being your girlfriend?!"
"Of course I want you!" Elsa yells, grabbing me by my shoulders and making me look at her. This actually pulls me back into a conscious state and makes me realize what exactly I am doing. Sensing me relax, Elsa speaks again. "I want you, Anna." She repeats. "And I also love you. I'm your girlfriend." She places a hand on my cheek and makes me look at her eyes, but I shut my eyelids, ashamed of what I just did. It was impulsive and stupid; Elsa is my girlfriend, of course she wants me! But I let Hans words get to me and make me doubt. Why did I ever listened to him?
I collapse above Elsa, sobbing pathetically and whimpering as she rubs soothing circles in my back, the warmth of her body helping me relax. Then she starts whispering things to my ear.
"Shhh… It's alright. I understand where you were coming from." She says. "Sometimes it's very easy to believe what others tell us, and I'm sorry to have made you remember it. I-I thought it'd help you."
"It did." I assure her, because at least now I'm aware of Hans words being inside my mind, so next time they appear I'm going to crush them before they start making me doubt of myself.
"Good. But it still hurt to see how much his words still affect you."
"I know." I mumble nuzzling in her neck. "Even when he's in prison he still hurts me."
"He won't anymore." She assures me. "As you said, he's in prison now, and we're here, alive and together, with all our lives ahead of us." She sounds optimistic, which is rare, since I'm usually the positive one, so I know she's doing it for me and I try to relax for her, enjoying the wonderful sensation of our bodies making full contact with one another, our heat melding and thawing us in each other's arms… I sigh in content and try to get even closer to Elsa, my lips touching her neck in the process and compelling me to kiss her.
Maybe it's too soon. Maybe I just had a break down literally a minute ago… but I can't help it, her smell is intoxicating, and the soft curves of her body are so enticing, and she herself is so tempting… besides, it'd help me feel better and put all this Hans thing in the past, where it belongs. Plus, she said she that wants me and she loves me, and I'm her girlfriend, so I don't see what harm it'd do.
And so I start softly kissing her neck, hearing a surprised gasp from Elsa but not further protests, and then I open my mouth and let my tongue taste her tender skin, not helping myself as I moan at the wonderful feeling. I feel Elsa tightening her hold around my waist and, encouraged by this, I nip softly at the side of her throat. She whimpers slightly, but it's more from pleasure than pain, so I decide to bite a little harder and suck at her skin, hearing her soft whimpers until I finally release her with a 'pop' before leaning back to staring at her now bruising skin, realizing I just gave her her first hickey and smirking at this. Then I turn to see her half-lidded eyes having darkened with lust as she eyes my lips hungrily before claiming them with her own, kissing me passionately and even daring to use her tongue to explore my mouth (it's usually me who does that) until we both realize we need to breathe and we separate.
Her cheeks are bright red, probably just like mine, and her breath is ragged, like her brain momentarily forgot about everything except the desire she feels for me, just as strong as the one I feel for her. I groan at the sight, my arousal increasing with the knowledge that I made Elsa feel like this, before attacking her lips again but not remaining too much in them this time, instead slowly making my way down her jaw, until I reach again her neck and then her ear, biting it slightly until Elsa is trembling from arousal beneath me.
I try to reach up with my hand to the bottoms of her shirt, but then I realize that one of my hands is still broken and immobilized in a cast, so I reluctantly pull away straddling her and take the first bottom of her shirt with my left hand, undoing it and continuing with the other… until Elsa's voice stops me.
"W-wait." She says, her voice trembling slightly. I look up at her face and it shows nervousness, so I pause. "W-what are you doing?"
"Uh… undressing you?" I say more like a question than a sentence.
"But… you want…?" She gulps, looking at me with wide eyes, and I just smile at her and nod. "Now?!" She asks in disbelief, and I nod again as she gulps before smiling nervously. "D-do you at least know how?"
"Pffft, it can't be that difficult." I brush it off. "I mean, I've never done it before, but…" I pause, eyeing at her to make sure she's fine with us doing it, and after a few tense moments of silence my expression falls and I'm thinking to apologize for my sudden request, when she nods.
"Alright… we'll learn together." She says, and I don't think it twice before quickly unbuttoning the rest of her shirt and open it to reveal… a freaking bloody gauze pad.
Damn! I forgot about that. I don't think either of us is in condition to indulge ourselves in… ehem… exerting activities. More so when me lying over her already caused her wound to open slightly. Plus, the blood kinda kills the mood… even if her deliciously full breasts are very distracting. Wait what?
However, before I can decide whether I want to have sex with my girlfriend in this moment or not, the room door opens and me mother comes in.
"Girls, the pizza is…" She pauses, seeing us in that compromising position, before Elsa quickly tries to cover her body and I just stay there like a deer caught in headlights. I see my mother's expression harden a little before continuing with an authoritarian voice. "Downstairs. Now." That said, she leaves the room. I sigh, thinking I really don't want to confront my mother right now before noticing Elsa's already buttoned up her shirt and is getting out of bed, with a scared expression and her face pale like a ghost.
"Relax." I try to calm her down, placing my good hand on her shoulder. "She's not going to kill us." I chuckle.
"Well… she seemed pretty mad to me." She answers, her voice shaking.
"That's because you haven't seen her really mad." I declare before taking her hand and starting walking out of the room. "Come on, let's go before she comes and drags us downstairs."
Elsa is literally shaking when we sit at the table in front of my parents, and the more I tighten my hold on her hand, the more nervous she gets, so I decide to let go of her for now, and at this she finally relaxes a little. This is weird, to say the least, what? Does she think they'll be mad at us and kick me out of the house? And suddenly I realize that, yes, she's afraid that'll happen, I mean it happened to her, so…
But my parents wouldn't kick me out for being a lesbian, right? Well, at least I hope so, even if the stern look they're giving us is not very comforting. Fuck, why did I never ask them if they were homophobic? That way I'd have an idea of what to expect.
"So…" Father begins. "Your mother told me she found you in a very… compromising position." I gulp at how he says 'compromising' and think on something to say, but Elsa speaks first.
"Please don't be mad at Anna." She pleads with a slightly desperate tone. "It was my fault, I-I…"
"Really?" My mom raises an eyebrow at her. "Because to me it seemed like she was trying to ravish you."
"Mom!" I protest, my cheeks burning bright red.
"It does sound like Anna." My father laughs, and my mother joins him, much to my dismay.
Well, at least now I know they aren't mad.
"You are not… mad?" Elsa voices my thoughts. At this, my parents suddenly turn serious again, and I feel my stomach turning; I know that look, they're going to scold me. And in front of Elsa, no less.
"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't have… ehem… intimate relations in this house." My father speaks, but it's more an order than a request. I quickly nod to assure him we won't, but in that moment, Elsa speaks.
"No, I meant…" She pauses, taking a deep breath probably to calm herself down. "Are you really okay with us being… well… women?" She's worried and afraid, I can tell, even if for me it's quite obvious they don't care about that in the slightest. My parents also seem to notice this, so they faces show confusion before turning understanding.
"We're not homophobic, if that's what worries you." My mother answers with a soft voice, and Elsa lets out the breath she was holding, finally relaxing a little her tense shoulders.
"Though I must admit I was surprised at first." My father adds. "I always thought Anna liked boys, I mean, after all she was always dreaming about princes in shining armor and all that stuff."
"I'm bisexual." I interfere. "… I think." My father nods, as if all suddenly made sense.
"However, I'm a little hurt that you didn't tell us sooner. "My mother says." Specially since we met her that time before Christmas when you brought her home. It's been a few months.
"What? Oh, no, no, no! We weren't girlfriends at that time." I quickly correct her.
"Y-you weren't?" She asks, truly surprised.
"We've just been dating for couple of weeks or so." I answer.
"And you were already going to have sex?!" My father practically yells, making Elsa flinch.
"No, we…" She starts, but I cut her off.
"It wasn't planned." I assure him. "It was in the heat of the moment, you know? "I chuckle. "But hey, at least neither of us can get pregnant." My parents just stare at me unamused and I sigh. "Okay, I'm sorry. I admit it wasn't the best time to do it, alright? Let's just eat, the pizza is getting cold."
"You're right." My mother agrees with me. "Just promise you'll wait a little more before you... uhm… have sex." She's clearly uncomfortable about the topic, and I get that, I mean, I'm her 'baby' and we're talking about me having sexual intercourse in the near future, but jeez!
"And that it won't happen in this house." My father adds and they both stare at us waiting for an answer.
"I promise." I say.
"I promise too." Elsa seconds me.
"Very well, now let's eat." My father says satisfied, before opening the pizza box and getting out an slice, before I do the same and quickly start to devour it, while Elsa and my mom also get out one for themselves, but not as desperately.
We keep munching on the pepperoni pizza (mine with a lot of ketchup) for a while until my father finishes his first slice and decides to break the silence.
"So…" He starts, looking at Elsa, and I instantly know this will be an interrogatory. I sigh, but I let him continue. "What do your parents do for living?" Elsa swallows the food she had in her mouth, takes a gulp of water and carefully cleans her lips with a napkin before answering.
"M-my father…" She starts, but I notice her hesitation to talk about him, and I take her hand under the table, knowing it's a sore topic for her. "H-he is the CEO of a Norwegian enterprise."
"You're from Norway?" My father asks raising an eyebrow, obviously surprised when Elsa answers with a nod. "How long have you been living here?"
"A little more than three years."
"Oh." He blinks, confused. "But if he's the CEO of an enterprise, then how can he leave his country for so long?"
"He didn't. He sent me here alone." She says, and I can tell she's fighting hard to avoid getting too sentimental about this.
"And what about your mother?" My own mother asks concerned.
"She left when I was little. I never met her." She says curtly, and now it's obvious, even to my parents that this is too painful for her, so they drop the topic.
"I-I'm sorry to hear that." My mom says and Elsa just nods as answer before quickly taking another slice of pizza and distracting herself with the food. My parents seem to get the message because they don't ask her more personal questions during the rest of the time we are eating.
After lunch Elsa and I hang out a little in my room (door opened, of course) as my parents watch the TV downstairs. We are playing Mario Kart in my Wii console, but I was never one to keep silent as I play (not even if that'll distract me further and I'll get my ass even more kicked by Elsa), especially when I'm curious about something Elsa said earlier, so I ask her:
"Hey, Els. Did you really never meet your mother?" I try to say it casually so Elsa doesn't feel like I'm interrogating her or anything and she also knows she's not obligated to answer, but she tenses up anyways.
"No, she left as soon as I was born. I told you that." She answers, slightly upset and uncomfortable. And defensive.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry." I apologize and try to just get my head on the race, but I can't and before we even finish that lap I ask again. "But seriously, have you never try to contact her?"
"No, Anna." She sighs, clearly not amused at my insistence. "She left me, she clearly didn't want anything to do with me, and so I don't see any reason to search for her. Plus, father said she's not a good person, so…"
"But your father has lied to you before. I mean, what if she wants to talk to you but she can't, or what if…?"
"Anna, enough." Elsa warns, teeth clenching, clearly fighting to hold back her anger. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"But…" I stubbornly continue. "Don't you even have a picture of her? Don't you at least know what she looks like?"
"Father burned all her pictures when she left, alright?" She answers curtly as, at the same time, puts a banana in my way that sends me down the fricking bridge. I curse under my breath and say nothing as I fight to get back on the second place, but of course it's impossible, so I keep insisting.
"Do you even know her name?" Elsa sighs as she hears my question and puts down the Wii remote, since the race is finally over anyways, before turning to look at me.
"You're not dropping the subject, are you?" She asks, clearly exasperated, but I just shake my head and she doesn't have any other option but to comply and give me the answers. "Father never wanted me to know her name, but my brother once told me." She pauses, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, before opening them and staring a t me with a mix of sadness and melancholy. "Idunn." She almost whispers. "Her name was Idunn."
"That's a beautiful name." I compliment.
"For a horrible person." She scrunches her nose as if she thought her mother was some horrible insect meant to be squashed at the first opportunity. I can't help but agree with her, I mean, who leaves their child in the hands of someone as bad as Elsa's father? But still, she's her mother, and maybe she had a reason to leave. And even if she didn't, she's still an important part of Elsa's history, one she has to know even if she doesn't want to.
"Would you mind if I search her picture on the internet?" I ask cautiously. "Just to see if you look like her at all." I see her tense up even more and stay silent, and for a moment I think she's going to tell me to mind my own business or something, but then she sighs and turns to me.
"I guess if you want to do it, I can't stop you. Just… know I don't want to know anything about her." I nod, relieved that she's not starting a fight with me because of this, but still a little disappointed that she doesn't want to face her past.
"I understand, but…"
"It's getting late." She cuts me off as she gets up from my bed. "I better get going."
"I could walk you to the bus station if you…"
"No. It's fine." She cuts me off again. "Goodbye Anna." At this she approaches me and quickly pecks me on the lips (though it doesn't feel as good as always, with this tense atmosphere and all) before heading to the door. "See you tomorrow." At this she exits and I sigh, mentally kicking myself for ruining this evening with my girlfriend. I just hope she doesn't keep being mad at me tomorrow.
As I hear her saying goodbye to my parents I lay on my bed, still reprimanding myself.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I should have dropped the subject when I noticed how mad it made her to talk about this. But no! I had to go and pry answers out of her to the point of driving her away. Well done, Anna, well done. It's a wonder she hasn't broken up with you because of your impertinence! Why did you have to be so curious about it? I mean, it's just her missing mom who she know nothing about, what's so intriguing about that?
Except it is intriguing, and before I can stop myself I'm tuning on my laptop and putting Elsa's mother's name in the google images search bar. Instantly, many pictures appear, but only a few resemble my girlfriend, with that blonde hair and distinctive ice-blue eyes. She is a woman in her early thirties, at most, and when I click the page where her image is, her name appears: Idunn Frost. Definitely Elsa's mother. However, the image is in some Norwegian newspaper online page, and I'm curious to see what it says, so I click on the translate option only to stare horrified at the head title: 'Recently divorced woman brutally murdered'.
I gasp and quickly reach for my cellphone; I have to tell Elsa about this.