Chapter 22: The trial (part 1).
The long awaited summer break is finally (FINALLY!) here. No more studying until midnight for the exams, no more homework or school projects, no more expositions, no more responsibilities. Life is beautiful! Everything is perfect… or will be, as soon as we're over with Elsa's upcoming trial against her father.
My dad insisted that we should wait until classes were over to go to Norway, arguing that we'd already skipped too much as it was and needed to improve our grades. (Well, only I had to do that because for some reason Elsa's grades, though not perfect, were still acceptable). At the end, after weeks and weeks of hard work, I managed to finish the school year with an overall mean of 87, which is reasonable considering how many classes I skipped.
There were also some others reasons because of which my parents insisted on waiting. One being that we didn't know even a word in Norwegian and I'm proud to say that now, after studying quite a lot with Elsa, I know… four words: hallo, ha det, ja and nei, meaning hello, goodbye, yes and no respectively. It's not much, but it's something considering I learned them between mind-blowing make out sessions with the most beautiful girl in the entire planet.
Anyways, so the other reason why the trial would have to wait so much is that my dad first needed to hire a lawyer. So after months of talking to everyone he could find, he finally found one he was satisfied with. He's kind of young, compared to the others (he's like 40), but I like him; he seems nice. After hiring him, Kai, Gerda, Elsa and I started practicing the responses to the questions that'll be made at the trial (we're witnesses), both the ones our lawyer and Elsa's father's lawyer will probably be asking us. At first Elsa stuttered a lot and seemed uncomfortable narrating her story, but she's improved, and I'm proud of her.
But even though I know this is an important moment in her life and that she's under a lot of stress, there's something that I want to do with her but that she isn't quite ready for yet. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about *wink wink*. No? Well… it's sex.
Yeah, we haven't done that yet. Sometimes it's because we're interrupted, for example, by Gerda or Kai arriving home, but other times it's Elsa who stops it from happening. She always makes up an excuse, like the fact that my parents forbid us from doing it in my house, or that she's tired, or it's her time of the month… but sometimes I think she doesn't want to have sex with me at all. I mean, I know that knowing you'll have to confront your abusive father in a few months doesn't exactly get you in the mood, but jeez it's been way too long! I just hope she doesn't make me wait much longer, because then I may end up ravishing her against the wall… okay maybe not, but I do have needs, you know?
Anyways, yesterday we arrived to Norway, after a very long flight during which Elsa grew more and more anxious as we got close to her native country, even though I did my best to calm her down. After that we went to the hotel (not before almost freezing to death outside because of the cold temperatures) and my parents suggested we should see the city, but of course Elsa didn't want to and of course I stayed with her watching Netflix.
It's not like I didn't want to go with my parents, but she seemed even worse than on the plane, and I didn't want to risk her having another bout of depression (it sometimes happen, though fortunately they haven't been so bad) and hurting herself. But yeah, then we went to sleep (in separate beds, of course) and got up early this morning to attend the trial.
Elsa has black circles under her eyes and looks like shit (a very gorgeous shit, but still), and when we arrive to the trial she's shaking so much I have to practically carry her out of the car and drag her inside the building, because she actually tries to run away. Then we greet Kai, Gerda (they stayed in another hotel) and the lawyer and sit in our respective places, waiting for Elsa's father to arrive.
Elsa is awfully nervous; like literally trembling uncontrollably, and her mind seems to be somewhere else since she doesn't answer when I try telling her comforting words and rubbing circles on her back. She just keeps staring ahead, almost with a crazed expression, completely unresponsive of the things around her… until a man dressed with an expensive-looking suit enters and a terrified look appears on her eyes.
He's tall and fair, with snow-white hair and beard, grey eyes and equally grey skin. He probably was handsome in his youth, and to be fair he's still good looking, despite his age. But there's a coldness about him, and a harshness in his gestures that just makes you shiver and want to cower behind the nearest thing… which is exactly what Elsa does, hiding herself behind me and covering her face with her hands.
"Is that your father?" I ask curious and concerned, but all I get from Elsa is an almost imperceptible nod. "Wow. He does look scary." I giggle, thinking that joking would maybe make this easier for my girlfriend, but she doesn't answer and instead she just keeps trembling. "Hey." I say, trying to touch her shoulder and sighing when she flinches as if my hand burned her. "Look… he's just a man, and after today you won't have to see him ever again if you don't want to, but right now you have to be brave. Okay?" I say, trying to sound reassuring, but this only seems to distress my girlfriend even more. "Please, Elsa, do it for you. Don't let him win, don't let him see how much he's hurt you." I insist, this time taking her hands and removing them from her face, all this to try and make her look me in the eye, hoping this way I can actually contact with her. "Please, just… just look at him, okay? Look at him and show him you're not afraid."
"A-Anna…" She says with trembling voice, as she shakes her head in fear. "P-please…"
"No, Elsa, you have to do it." I say firmly and, without warning I disappear from her vision field so she can gaze at his father and realize he's not really a threat anymore (yes, I'm that sure we'll win the trial). For a moment she looks like she's going to start hyperventilating at any moment, but then her look is… almost hopeful, and longing. I feel a pang of pain in my heart as I realize she still loves his father, still wishes for his approval… even after all he's done to her.
Suddenly, Elsa gets up with a crazy expression in her face and hastily says:
"I can't… I-I'm sorry, I j-just…" But before she can take even three steps I reach out and stop her, taking her hand firmly and making her turn to look at me.
"Yes, Elsa, you can." I say, determined. I know she's scared and that this situation is anything but easy for her, but I also know we've come too far to give up now. I won't let her quit and keep living in fear for the rest of her life. "You can and you're going to do it." At my words, Elsa's expression gradually turns from plain terror to fear with a tinge of understanding. "You're the same girl… no, the same woman that stood up for me when Hans was trying to rape me, the same one who overcame severe depression and kept going even after a suicide attempt, and I'm not going to stand here and watch you quit now. This is your final step towards happiness. Don't run away from it." I plead, my voice trembling slightly because of the emotion. It really pains me to see my girlfriend so distressed.
"Anna…" She says as a single tear falls from her eye and I promptly catch it with my thumb. "I-I'm sorry…" She chokes out, closing her eyes. "I-I can be such a coward, a-and I just…"
"Shhhh." I say as I wrap my arms around her, since it usually helps her calm down. "I understand, you're afraid, but you're not a coward, you are a fighter, Elsa. And you're going to get through this; you're going to win this trial."
"B-but… I don't know how." She protests weakly. "I-I can't…"
"Of course you can. I know you can." I interrupt her and squeeze her tightly in a reassuring gesture. "He's the one being judged here, not you." I remind her as I pull away slightly to look her in the eye. "You don't have to be nervous; you're just trying to get what's yours."
Finally, Elsa seems to come to her mind fully (not immediately of course, but quickly enough for me to know that she probably just buried her feelings). I know this isn't ideal, but it's the only way Elsa knows to solve her problems, so when she gives me a nod to indicate she's ready, I just smile and hope her strategy will work.
"Come on, the trial should be starting soon." I say as I sit down and gesture for Elsa to do the same.
"You can do this, Elsa." My father, who obviously heard all the conversation, whispers, making my girlfriend turn to see him.
"We believe in you." My mother adds with a nod, and Kai and Gerda just give her encouraging smiles, and now I truly see some of the fear in Elsa's face disappearing and actually being replaced with hope and determination. I'm glad they all came with her.
Suddenly, the sound of a hammer startles us and we turn to the front, noticing the judge has already arrived and is in his respective seat. Elsa's face loses all it's composure at the sight.
The judge says something with his powerful voice and everyone quiets down in that moment, then he apparently calls our lawyer to the front, because he gets up and says something before the other lawyer is called as well; after that, only Mr. Gunnarson (our lawyer) stays standing.
First, he calls Elsa, as planned, but she tenses up anyways. Still, she somewhat manages to get up on shaky legs and walk to the "victim's place", sitting down and nervously chewing her lower lip, her eyes as fearful as ever.
I don't understand the first question, because it's obviously made in Norwegian, but I remember it from the times we've practiced; it's about her father keeping the knowledge of her mother's death from her. Elsa answers with a shaky voice and is definitely ten times more nervous than during our practice sessions. I just wish I could be there holding her hand to make things easier.
However, as the questions keep going, Elsa starts to calm down, and soon she's as confident as in math class, like this is not a big deal… though she hasn't even glanced at her father this whole time. And the most difficult question of all, the one that never fails to make her spill at least one or two tears, hasn't come yet. It's the last one.
Suddenly, I hear the name of my natal country spoken in Norwegian and see Elsa tense so much that her knuckles turn impossibly white. It's the final question, the one about her father sending her to the other end of the world.
Come on Elsa, you can do this.
But she stutters and closes her eyes, not being able to respond without pausing and taking deep breathes as the lawyer prompts her. She just nods when he makes another question, and soon she's crying and trembling, trying to contain her sobs… but she can't and soon her whimpers don't let her continue. I only want to go there and hug her, but I can't so I just wait (thankfully only a few moments) for her to be allowed to return at my side. As soon as she's back I hug her as tightly as I can while she leans her head into the crook of my neck so her tears soak my skin.
I sigh, by now knowing I can only dull the pain in her heart and not make it disappear as I'd want to, and while Kai testifies about what he saw the time Elsa was living with him (with the help of an interpreter), I glare at Elsa's father, the one responsible of her tears.
I hate him for hurting Elsa. I hate him for making her live in fear, for extinguishing all her hopes of ever being loved. I hate him for blaming Elsa's brother's death on her (even though Elsa hasn't tell me how he died, I'm quite sure she could never murder anyone), as well as her mother's disappearance. I hate him for so much more, and I want to express all my anger in this stare, as I hold his broken daughter into my arms. I wish stares could kill, because then he'd be dead now.
Suddenly, the man turns to look at me and his cold gaze gives me chills. My first instinct is to lower my eyes… but I don't, I'm not a coward and so I stare defiantly into his grey orbs, so different from his daughter's, devoid of life, of emotions, of everything. That is, until he notices my glare and smirks, like it's funny that I'm shooting him daggers with my eyes. Then he deviates his gaze towards Elsa's shaking body in my arms and an expression of contempt appears on his calm face before it's gone again a moment later when he turns towards Kai and looks at him with a blank expression.
Oh, how I hate Elsa's father.
After Kai testified, it was Gerda's turn, though she said pretty much the same, and then Mr. Gunnarson presented some letters and printed e-mails from Elsa's father to back up their statements (that basically that Adgar Forst didn't care one bit about his daughter going to live on the streets, starving to death or attempting suicide), and then it was my turn. Thankfully by then Elsa had calmed down enough to let go of me.
The questions I answered were easy enough… except maybe when the lawyer asked why had Elsa attempted suicide, according to me. Because I pretty much took half of the blame, but as we had rehearsed, I mostly said it was because of the situation she was in, living in a foreign country far away from her only family, and with no one to turn to when they… we started bullying her. I also recounted how her recovery was and emphasized that she hasn't tried to hurt herself since that time and is taking care of herself.
Then I sit down and it's finally Elsa's father's turn to be questioned. He appears to be oddly confident and calm, like he already knows the outcome, and this unnerves me. I don't trust him. I bet he'd do anything to keep Elsa's inheritance firmly under his control.
As the questions start, he answers with a soft and composed voice, and adds a few chuckles here and there to appear charming. I can tell he's an expert at convincing people, and this makes me feel uneasy. It also has the same affect on Elsa, who at one point is clenching her teeth and looking at him with so much anger and hatred that it actually scares me a little.
Then the lawyer makes some other questions and my girlfriend is growing madder and madder, to the point that her hands are twitching and her feet are moving nervously like she wants to get up and punch his ugly face… but as much as I'd like to see that, I can't let her do it; it'd only prove to the court that she's mentally unstable. So I grasp her hand and make her turn to look at me, shaking my head when she does to indicate she can't do what she's thinking.
Elsa reluctantly complies with my silent request and just keeps looking at him with the most terrifying glare I've ever seen. I'm damn glad it's not directed at me, or else I'd be peeing my pants. However, her father doesn't even seem to notice, as he just keeps answering questions with his calm attitude… until he suddenly drops his façade for a moment and raises slightly his voice. Not that much, so he doesn't appear to be too mad, but enough for me to know he's angry about something.
I don't have time to ponder what could've made the man get angry because in that moment Elsa suddenly gets up and starts yelling:
"Slutt å lyve!" She says, trembling with rage as a torrent of tears fall from her now red eyes. "Slutte å være en løgner! Jeg er lei av at du lyver til meg hele mitt liv! Jeg er lei av å tro på løgn! Jeg er …!"
"Ms. Frost…" The judge tries to make her shut up, but she's clearly too lost in her own emotions to listen to anybody. Still, I do the first thing that comes to my mind to keep her from doing anything stupid; get up as well and hold her with all my strength, though I'm not sure if it's to calm her down or to physically keep her from going there and strangling her father.
"Du er bare en løgnaktig jævel det er alt du noen gang bli! JEG HATER DEG!" She screams at the top of her lungs. I recognize one word; hater. It means hate. It nearly makes me want to cry too as I notice all the emotions contained in that single word. I bet it must be painful to hate someone you loved, even more so if that person is the only family you have left.
"Jeg hater deg! Jeg hater deg! Jeg hater deg, Jeg hater deg …" She keeps repeating, each time quieter, and her tears keep falling from her eyes as she buries her face between her hands and crumbles into her seat completely (I don't let go of her at any moment). She leans into me for comfort, but her muscles are so tense and her shaking is becoming so hard it worries me. It's almost like she's having a panic attack. Wait… she can't be having a panic attack, can she? I hope not. That must be awful.
Oh, Elsa… please be strong. I know this is hurting, but we're right here with you. You don't have to be afraid anymore.
Still, whether she's or isn't having a panic attack, the judge grants us a break, since it's obvious the trial can't go on as long as the victim is in such an unstable state that she can't speak or even breathe properly due to the loud whimpers that escape her mouth.
As my father takes her in his arms and gently carries her to a chair outside in front of the concerned gazes of all of us, I just hope the next half of the trial will go better… and that Elsa is feeling well enough then. I know it's nearly impossible, but I really wish it'd come true.