The sound of the door opening woke me up. Reiner entered with a cup of hot tea, walking towards me.
"Mam.. I apologize for earlier.", he said, handing over the steaming mug. A sigh escaped my lips as the warm bitter liquid made contact with them. Braun seemed sincere in his words, standing almost in attention, as if waiting for dismissal.
"Let's not make a habit of it. Go help the captain.", I brushed off the incident, signaling him to leave.
"No hard feelings then...?", his eyebrows raised slightly and a faint smile pulled up the corners of his mouth.
"Don't push it. Off you go, now." from the sun's position outside a few hours had passed. We should be leaving within the hour.
Outside, Levi looked at the district map, eyes fixed on a particular spot. A small furrow was barely noticeable between his thin eyebrows, an expression he hardly ever showed. Not that the captain ever expressed much emotion on a daily basis but he looked worried about something.
"Levi, something bothering you?", my voice seemed to surprise him. "Is the map incorrect or what?"
"Nothing, Martha.", he relaxed, tearing his gaze away from the paper and turning his head to me. "We'll be leaving soon, start readying things."
"Right away, sir."
After a few minor preparations, we left the house the girls had fixed for us and headed towards the district gate. Night had just settled in, with people still treading about on the streets but already lessening in numbers.
"I'll speak.", Levi told us.
"Understood."
"Woah there, fellah.", the guard called when the captain tried to pass through. He kept his head low, avoiding eye contact with the other. Could it be that they still remembered Levi? "I can't let you guys in, sorry."
"Show them the letter.", Levi ordered in a low tone, not looking back at me.
"Certainly sir.", pulling out the envelope, I handed it to the guard. He opened the lacquer and read through the scribbled letter, nodding.
"Oh... I see. Very well, then. Don't know who'd want to get into a shit hole like that anyways so... Whatever."
Easy enough to get in, but the real work would start from there on. Levi lead us quickly through the slums and into a back alley, climbing some stairs and pulling out a black metal key. The door opened with a creak and we got inside, closing it behind us. The place was a mess. Dusty, the little furniture that was left scattered over the floor and let's not talk about the amount of roaches that almost made the floor disappear. Signaling over to Reiner, the captain nodded at him.
"You know what to do.", the boy grumbled slightly but complied.
Levi and I pitched in with the cleaning as well, finishing it after almost an hour. Afterwards, we sat around the table, looking at the map.
"So, what now, sir?", I questioned. Not even I knew exactly what we'd be doing here.
"We wait."
"What do you mean, we wait?", Reiner asked. "What are we doing here then?"
"We came here to get money for the Corps.", I answered him. There wasn't any point in keeping him in the dark anymore.
"Exactly.", the captain added. "Martha, stay here with the brat and keep an eye out. I need to go somewhere.", he left the main room and entered a side one, where one of the beds was. I followed him, confused as to what was his plan.
"Sir, what exactly is the plan here?"
"I need to go see if they're here already."
"'They'? Who are 'they'?", he passed through me, not bothering to look.
"We don't have time for this. I'll be back soon."
Several hours had passed. As the captain ordered, Reiner and I kept watch by the window, trying to not draw attention to ourselves. Nothing much happened on the streets in front of Levi's old house, and people mostly kept to themselves, heads down and walking fast.
Something felt wrong about that, but I wasn't really used to that atmosphere that lingered in the Underground, the damp air clinging to the skin and leaving a disgusting sensation in its place. Finally, the familiar raven haired man appeared around the corner, looking to either side, as if making sure he wasn't being followed.
"So, did you-", Reiner tried to speak from the window but I quickly pulled him inside by his sweater.
"Silence! We don't want the whole town knowing what we're doing here, you moron!", Levi's footsteps entering the house mixed in with my scolding words. "Any luck, sir?"
"We're good, they're not here yet."
"Who's 'they'?", Braun asked, sitting down on the ground, munching on some bread. Before the captain could speak, I closed the window and drew the curtains. The last thing we wanted was to make our presence known in there.
"Some shitbags who owe me money."
"So, you said they weren't here 'yet'. When are they coming then?", I asked. Our time down there wasn't very long and we desperately needed that money.
"In two days."
So, two days to set up a fail proof plan to get what we went there for. That also meant that we'd mostly be idle, waiting for those guys to show up.
"Go make us dinner, brat.", Levi ordered, leaning over the table and examining the map.
"So, what are those people like? What should we expect?"
"Nothing special.", he muttered absentmindedly. "We might need to cut off some heads."
"What...?"
"Did you think we'd come here prancing, take some money and leave like nothing happened?", he raised his gaze at me, sighing when he saw my startled expression."Lieutenant, are you sure you're in the right profession?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You seem to be under the false assumption that life is 'fair'.", what the hell does he mean by that? When did I say that life was fair?! When was life fucking fair to me?!
"I never said that, sir. I just... don't see killing people as a light matter. In no way I think that life is fair or that things will always do according to plan. You've mistaken my words."
"Is that so...?"
"I don't think it's right to go around murdering people but I'll do what it takes to keep the Corps on its feet.". Silence fell between us, the air too thick for any sort of conversation to arise. He looked aggravated by something which I didn't gather enough courage to ask about, as he seemed to unleash his frustrations on Reiner, who cleaned relentlessly the apartment.
Levi marked the house we needed to cover for the transaction, it being vaguely secluded from the rest. The following day, I wanted to search the other houses beside the marked one, to set up advantage points and escape routes we could take if we got overrun by the others.
Tired by all the cleaning and orders coming from the captain, Braun collapsed on the floor, half hugging the mop and, feeling sorry for the poor kid, I carried him to one of the rooms, allowing him to sleep the full night.
"I don't know what kind of things your parents taught you, Krieger but life isn't all fairy tales." Levi casually commented, sitting by the map, scribbling on some blank paper. Holy hell, that man was starting to get on my nerves. What did he know about my family?
"What would you even know about my family?! Or families for that matter?!", fuck, I'm yelling at him... This is bad, I need to stop but I.. I can't.. "My family taught me life isn't happy and hard work doesn't fucking pay off! I'm so sorry if I don't take killing people as lightly as you! I'm not a murderer, Levi, I think it's wrong and disgusting and I don't understand why you keep poking around and taking jabs at my family life when you know I have no fucking family left! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Haven't I proven enough that I'm loyal to the Corps and will do whatever it takes to see that we succeed?! You think I can just stand around and treat people like titans?! Because I fucking can't and I hate that. I hate feeling like this. I-I.. " I wanted to yell that I enjoyed killing that man, that I felt satisfied when I saw his face shrivel with pain and despair but I couldn't. My voice died in my throat and, before I could receive the punishment I'd certainly get from the captain, I left the room and climbed up to the roof. Yes, it was childish. Looking back now, it was like a tantrum kids throw when they're tired and I was tired. Levi didn't come after me and didn't call me to come down. And so, I stayed there for a couple of hours, cigarette between fingers and face swelled up from crying.
Levi hadn't intended for that to happen. Sure, he wanted the lieutenant to understand that the possible sacrifice of human lives could mean the continuation of the Corps but he didn't mean for it to go this far. She was now on the roof, probably crying because of him. He knew her family had died in Wall Maria five years prior, he knew she'd given everything for the Corps, having also saved him from Jaeger. The more time he spent with her, the closer they became and that was something that couldn't happen.
Not to him, not in that team. She hadn't grieved those kids properly yet and was still unstable emotionally wise and he couldn't afford to start developing whatever kinds of feelings he was having for her. So this was the easiest way out. Being rough with her, poking where he knew would hurt the most. She'd eventually get over it, maybe resent him a bit for saying what he'd said but would still fight for them and keep on her research. But she'd stop blushing whenever he looked at her with something more behind his gaze and wouldn't make him worry that he'd suddenly lose the ability to restrain himself.
He'd never have to worry about that again. That is, if he could successfully push her far away enough that she'd never try to get near. And if he could stop himself from seeking her as well.
Eventually, I'd calmed down enough to leave the roof. I still wasn't ready to meet the captain's cold gaze inside so I stayed out, on the balcony, drawing short breaths on a new cigarette. I shouldn't smoke but I needed to relax and clear my head. Think objectively about the issue. It was more than obvious that I'd overreacted to Levi's words and a wave of shame made me wince at the thought of it. I must've sounded so much like a spoiled brat. 'Oh, I'm so unappreciated...'.. I could only hope that the punishment wouldn't be too severe. I checked the bandage in my arm and it was a bit damp for whatever reason, I'd have to change it soon or it could get infected.
Rustling came from inside the house but, knowing it was probably the captain, I didn't bother to turn and look at him. His steps were silent, reaching the ledge of the balcony and looking at the empty street. I should apologize for yelling but it was late and honestly, I was still feeling as if I'd start another rant if I spoke, so my lips remained sealed. If the captain wanted to talk, he could do so alone.
It took me all this time to realize he was shirtless, semi damp skin glistening under the lampost light coming from the other side of the street. It was nothing special; just skin. Well, that was what I tried to convince myself with but the truth was that, although I was still very much irritated, the heat that radiated from his exposed skin was reaching my arm and that made me very aware of the whole situation.
Yes, I know. Ridiculous, right? I kept telling myself that, focusing on the few people walking the street bellow and, as I became sleepier, my worries were soothed by a half numbness in my whole body. Levi hadn't said a word or made a sound since he'd got there. He didn't even make a snarly comment about the stench coming from the cigarette but, glancing covertly to get a full picture of his exposed torso, his eyes were lost in the permanent Underground night, half lidded, thinking of unknown things and his hand curled back slightly, when he spoke.
"Give it here." at first, I didn't realize what he was talking about but when I took the cigarette to my lips, I felt his calloused hands pressing against my lips and removing it, smoke dragging through the air until it reached his own. He drew a short breath, flicking the ash onto the ground bellow. "Listen... What I said.."
"I got the message, sir. You don't need to say anything.", neither of us was looking at each other. My eyes were fixed in the buildings where people entered and left, their expressions changing, the sounds coming from their talks. Levi didn't talk loudly, just loud enough that it left me anticipating each word, engulfing all sound that existed around us.
"It was excessive. I apologize.", he exhaled a cloud of smoke slowly and fell silent again for a moment.
"I thought you hated this smell.", I noted, turning my face just so I could see his expression.
"And I do. It's shit.", he passed it to me. "Reminds me of home."
"My parents didn't smoke...", in fact, if mother knew I'd ever smoked, she would've left me starving until I quit... Sometimes I missed her a lot. "About you not knowing about families... I didn't mean it. I was angry, I'm sorry."
"You're not wrong. I didn't have much of a family. My mother was never around much, I didn't know my father and my uncle... he wasn't a very kind man."
"Must've been hard being a kid here...", I wasn't talking to him, more like a loud thought but it seemed to amuse him since he exhaled sharply, almost like a chuckle. "What did your mother do?"
"She was a whore. The few memories I have from her are filled with strange men but honestly, I don't resent her for what she did. I had a house and food; I was better off than most kids here are these days. Don't apologize for asking, you didn't know."
"Hm...", I didn't know what to say, actually. In a way I felt like the captain must've considered me someone he could trust, to tell me about his family, or just maybe he was sharing it just for the sake of it. Either way, I stood there and kept looking at him, starting to enjoy that brief moment. "My mother was... kind. She worked all day so my brother could go to school... I admired her a lot."
"Your father didn't work?", his voice had a hint of surprise.
"That's... complicated... He was a priest. Always on and on about the Great Architect... He nearly damned me to Hell when he found out I was in the Garrison."
"Wall Maria, huh... You were stationed in Shiganshina. Must've been chaotic when shit hit the fan."
"It was... Everything happened so fast, people were screaming, they started pouring in... I-I..", his hand on my shoulder grounded me for a few seconds. My pulse had unknowingly started to race and, a dragged in another gulp of smoky air, relaxing again. "It was a horror show. I can't even imagine what it was like for those kids, to have seen those things eating people at such a young age... You had any siblings, Levi?"
"Not that I know of... But then again, I don't know if my mother had any other kids or not. She just disappeared one day, probably died in some shit hole."
"I used to hate my father... He was a stern man... He kicked me out of the house for joining the 'wall defiling' Garrison. In the end... he didn't even let me help him...", there was no point in talking more but I was so far down the rabbit hole that I might as well continue. "I left my post to get him and mom and he refused to leave. 'I will atone for your sins', he said."
"But you got your mother out."
"She died.", my eyes began swelling up as I remembered the scene. Mother, thin in my arms, still in horror about what was happening. I didn't want to talk about it... no, it was a lie. I wanted to talk, I needed to tell someone, I felt so guilty, so disgusted with myself for what had happened.
"You don't need to tell me anymore, Martha.", the captain seemed to notice my nearly shaking state.
"I killed her, Levi. I loved her so much and I killed her.", and there was silence. The street continued its nocturnal sounds but between the corporal and I, there was nothing. The cigarette burned too fast and reached my fingertips, drawing a yelp from my lips and forcing me to clench the swollen digits.
He was just standing there, silent. He looked at me but I couldn't make out his expression from behind thick tears. I'd never told anyone that. I'd kept that secret with me for five whole years and intended on carrying it with me to the grave but... in that moment, I felt like it was too heavy to bear, too much to not tell it to anyone. Might as well tell it to the person I'd said I'd die for, right? He was just there, convenient, an ear to listen. Wasn't he?
I'd said too much. It wasn't his place to serve as a therapist to issues I'd obviously still needed do deal with on my own. Lowering my head, my heels turned to face the house; the bandage had to be replaced.
"It's not your fault, Martha.", I heard him say. "Whatever happened, I doubt it was your fault.", without uttering another word, I entered the house, and closed the bathroom door behind me, unable to shake dark thoughts off my mind.
"You weren't there, Levi…", was what I kept thinking over and over.
After replacing the damp cloth with a fresh one, I composed my swollen face in the mirror. We were on mission, there wasn't any time to waste feeling sorry for myself. Outside, Levi still hung out on the balcony, having raised his voice just enough so that I could hear him order me to sleep the rest of the night.
I must admit; despite the old smelling bed and sheets, I slept well enough that when I woke up I'd nearly forgotten where we were. Levi greeted me as I left the room and advised to scout a bit of information, careful to not draw attention to myself.
"Very well sir. And.. about last night~"
"Some other time, lieutenant. Just go.", he cut the conversation short. Well, at least he didn't sound angry about the ordeal so that was a plus.
The heavy air felt less damp in the morning and almost left a rather smell lingering as one inhaled. It was as if a weight had partially been lifted off my shoulders after finally opening up to someone about what had happened but enough of that, I had to focus on the task at hand.
A quick walk to where the captain had mark the house, and I was done with searching and mentally planning escape routes within the hour. It was still fairly early and, while I was there, maybe it was a good idea to scout the area around, for research of course. There was a small running river a few minutes' distance of the house, and above a stretch of it there was a large hole that let in sunlight. I was marveled to see such a wonderful sight in a horrid place like the Underground.
Instantly, the thought of if the captain knew about that sight came to mind and I wondered whether he'd like to see it or not. He'd most likely be angry that I'd wasted time in such trivialities rather than work… and to be fair, it felt rather childish of me to be even considering that, due to the circumstances.
Then a familiar tuned came to ear. A light feathery voice sang happily in the vicinity, a tune which I hadn't heard since I'd left Shiganshina. Maybe a survivor from there…? But oddly enough the voice sounded like that of a child... who'd leave a child unattended in the middle of the street? Cocking my head to hear better, I caught a glimpse of curly brown locks around the corner of the street and, unable to contain my own curiosity, I followed whoever it was.
It was a little girl, holding a small stuffed rabbit, humming as she made her way to wherever she was going.
"Hey there, little miss. Where did you learn that tune?", I asked, surprised that such a young child was alone and singing something from before she was born.
"I don't talk to strangers.", she answered firmly.
"I understand… but you just had such a lovely voice that I couldn't help but wonder.", she was adorable, hardly up to my waist, with olive skin and pale brown eyes, holding the stuffed rabbit under her arm and a coin purse on the other hand.
"Well… If you must know, lady it was my sister who taught me. She sings it to me every night."
"How lovely, your sister must love you very much. What does she look like?", keeping a slow pace, we walked together.
"She doesn't want me to talk about her to strangers..."
"Oh, of course, I understand. Mind if I join you? It seems were going the same way.", of course the path to Levi's house wasn't exactly in that direction but I felt very uneasy, leaving a such a small girl go around town alone.
"I guess not.", she was getting chattier as the conversation went on "I'm going to the market to get carrots for the soup. See? I even brought Nini with me.", she chirped, showing me the stuffed rabbit. "Nini loves to go on walks but I only get to leave the house when big sister lets me..."
"I'm sure she's just concerned about you... What's your name? I'm Martha.", I said, with a smile.
"I'm Marina. Where are you going?"
"Meeting some friends.", well, it wasn't a lie and I couldn't tell a little girl about a secret mission to steal money now, could I?
"Oh... but if you're with me, won't your friends miss you?", she asked in a concerned tone. Every moment spent with this girl melted my heart, it was nearly unbearable how adorable she was.
"No dear, they can wait a bit for me. Besides, I can't leave you and Nini all by yourselves, I'll help you bring the carrots home."
"You're really nice, miss Martha. You're just like big sis.", she noted. We approached the marked and soon enough the groceries were on their way home. I walked Marina home, with the paper bag on my hands and waited as she unlocked the door with her tiny hands. "Big sis said she had to leave for a bit but she'll be home in no time. She made cookies, you want one?"
"Well, don't mind if I do.", the house was modest, with little to no furniture but I wasn't really surprised by it since the Underground was the place of very poor people, and even Levi's house was lacking severely in the furniture department. Marina handed me a large biscuit and bit down on the one she was holding, smiling as she tasted it.
The doorknob turned and the metal hinges screeched as someone entered the house. Looking up I recognized immediately her face, the waitress from the bar a couple of nights prior, Rebecca. Marina rushed to hug her, extending her small arms, waiting to be picked up.
"Hello there, sweety how was your trip? Did you get all I asked?", she smiled at the little girl, seemingly unaware of my presence.
"Yeah! It was so much fun! And Elli, I made a new friend!", Marina chirped "It's that lady, Martha!", she joyfully pointed at me. Elli...? Weird... Rebecca had a wide smile on her face as she turned to to see where her sister was pointing but when she saw me that same smile immediately faded into a closed off expression, her stance changing into defense.
"How did you find me?", her voice was low and controlled.
"Elli... what's going on...?", Marina whined, obviously scared. The woman let her onto the ground slowly, never peeling her eyes off me for a second. "I'm scared... What's happening.."
"Marina I want you to go to aunt's house and lock the doors, okay? Can you do that?", she barely whispered. I had no idea what was going on but the whole situation was severely suspicious. Why was Marina calling her 'Elli'? Why was she instantly on alert mode as soon as she saw me?
"Yeah... I guess so... Can I go get Nini?"
"No, don't get near this woman, she'd dangerous.", Rebecca nearly growled at the little girl, causing her to whimper and leave the house immediately.
"Dangerous? What's going on here...?"
"I'll ask again. How did you find me? Was it her?", she asked again, more insistently.
"'Her'? Who's 'her'? What the hell are you talking about? Listen I don't know who you think I am but I'll be going now...", as I tried to leave, she reached for her purse, pulling out two small knives and swinging them my way. Although surprised, I was able to dodge them and reached the kitchen counter, pulling open a drawer and grabbing whatever I could to defend myself.
I barely turned on time to block another attack with the forks I'd just picked up. Rebecca was surprisingly strong for someone so thin and, after I repelled the knives, I managed to kick her lower abdomen, causing her to fall. Jumping onto her, I took the daggers away and pinned her for a few seconds.
"Who the hell are you?", I panted, arms tensed to prevent her from moving.
"Like I'd tell you!", without being able to counter, she kicked me off and fled through the front door. I had to understand what was going on so, picking up the daggers to serve as weapons, I ran after her.