He just doesn't understand it. He doesn't know how hard it is. He doesn't care, he just thinks he's right. He doesn't want to bother with me anymore. I'm too much trouble and he's tired of trying to understand. I can't really blame him can I? I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm really not. And with everything he's forced to deal with because of me… it's not fair for me to be upset with him, is it really?

Lindsay rolled over in bed and sighed, glancing over at Adam who was sleeping peacefully, despite their fight earlier. Looking at him, she remembered the words he'd spoken in frustration but at the moment she was lost as to why they'd hurt her so much. She'd just been trying to make him understand, but it was so hard to convey her emotions without getting emotional and he thought it was high time for her to take her fears by the horns as it were. Clearly, they weren't seeing eye to eye or being very supportive of each other lately.

Carefully she reached over and took his hand, an act of apology because she couldn't make her mouth say the words adequately when he was awake. At least not now. Even if the exact words didn't sting, the fight still did. His hand squeezed hers gently and quelled the fire of regret burning in her belly, but she still wasn't keen on staying in bed with him, tossing and turning all night. She brushed her lips over his knuckles and slid out of bed, making her way downstairs.

The boys were both snoring, Colton more so than Ben, and she tucked the blankets around each of them, smiling at their month old Christmas pajamas that were already too small. She leaned down and kissed Colton's cheek and he smiled sleepily, muttering something before turning over. Ben was a far lighter sleeper so she didn't dare kiss him but she did watch him for a moment, wondering what kinds of strange things he was dreaming about. After a few moments she pulled herself from them and walked across the hall to Avery's room. There were dog toys all over the floor and she moved them aside with her foot as she made her way to the bed. Her little girl was sleeping heavily, spread out over most of the large bed while the dog snoozed at her side, chin propped up on paws. Carefully Lindsay climbed onto the bed and lay down with Avery, dropping several kisses to her plump cheeks before finding the quiet she needed to turn her thoughts off.

"I'm sorry mama's like this, baby," she whispered, stroking Avery's hair back from her face. "I'm okay I promise. I just worry about you. I'm doing my best. I don't want to hold you back."

"Mama," Avery muttered in her sleep, rolling over towards her.

"I love you sweetheart."

They lay there for a while in the dark, Lindsay listening to the sound of the water rushing through the boiler system to heat the house. She wondered briefly if Adam had noticed she was missing or if he was sleeping too deeply for it to register. All the other times she'd slipped downstairs to sleep in Avery's room, he'd woken up within minutes and went looking for her. Maybe he'd had enough.

Emotionally she was fine, at least she felt fine. She wasn't depressed as she'd been in the past, she wasn't just floating through life, didn't find herself staring blankly into space. But she couldn't shake the nightmares and the brief moments of panic through the day that something horrible was happening or was going to happen to Avery. She wasn't sure why exactly it had started but she had a sneaking suspicion that it really had very little to do with Avery and everything to do with herself.

Watching her daughter grow up in these last few months had driven an ache into her chest that wasn't going away. No matter how many years it had been, how many times she'd dealt with the emotions or how much forgiving had been done, occasionally she'd look down at Avery and see herself at that same age, without her mother. It always struck her violently and she had to close her eyes and remember this wasn't the same. She wasn't her mother, Avery wasn't her, and nothing like that would ever happen again. But it still crept in. Worries about Avery's self-esteem (especially how she always called herself chubby), worries about her safety at preschool, worries about how she'd deal with heartbreak, friendship drama, difficulties academically. She supposed they were things all mothers worried about, and in the brief moment she'd had to ask Austin's opinion, her fears of being irrational had been assuaged.

Once night fell, once her eyes closed, the nightmares came. It was never herself in danger anymore. It was always Avery in that diner or Avery on the wrong side of a gun or Avery in a car accident that left her motionless on the side of the road somewhere. The only way to get some relief was to sleep next to her daughter. It had been a few weeks of her sleeping with Avery, or Avery sleeping with them, but Adam had made clear tonight that Lindsay needed to figure something else out, because no one was sleeping well as it was.

She supposed he was tired, knew he was unable to help her through it, which made him feel like he'd failed her. She could excuse the tone of his voice and most of the words he'd said, but the truth of the matter was that he still felt like she was losing it. That part hurt quite a lot and sometimes she thought about how many years they had left together and how she'd already burned him out and very soon he would close off to her, they would become distant and she would be forced to deal with everything entirely on her own again. Her stomach lurched at the thought and she shook her head, pushing it away. She had to stop doing this. It was killing her.

"Mama, I finally got it!" Ben announced jumping down the last two steps. "I finally got all the money for my Big Mouth Billy Bass!"

"I still don't know why you want that, honey."

"Because it would be fun! I wanna hang it up over the toilet so I can have somethin' to look at while I go pee!"

"That's weird, Ben."

"Okay. But that is what I wanna do."

"I didn't think you had enough money yet."

"Oh I do! Daddy found a cheaper one on the computer. It's only thirty dollars! And Cole gived me the last three bucks with the promise that I would stop talkin' 'bout the thing! I can't wait to get it mama!"

"I'm glad you're so happy about it."

"I am glad that you're glad! It does my heart good to see you smilin' and 'specially when I was the one what made it happen! I'm gonna go tell sissy, she's been lookin' forward to this too! Hey sissy and Thomas guess what!?"

He ran upstairs and Lindsay turned back to the sink, scrubbing down the frying pan and ignoring the fact that Adam had slipped in and was watching her from the doorway. She wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, even if he was forgiven. She was more concerned with how he was feeling about her right now. She could feel him moving towards her and she tensed up, though not of her own accord.

"Linds," he started softly, his arms going around her from behind. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm okay."

"I know that's a lie, but that's alright."

"Don't give me a free pass, Adam. I'm fine."

"You're not."

"Let go of me, okay?"

"Okay, whatever."

She didn't want him to walk away, not really, but he did, going out to the other room while she finished up the cleaning and made sure the kids' lunches were packed. She hated this distance and the coldness but there was really nothing she could make herself do to fix it.

By the time the kitchen was cleaned up she found herself staring at the early part of her window to get the boys out of the house and to school before she had to work. They were both ready to go, jackets on, teeth brushed and shoes on feet but not tied. She reprimanded them a little more harshly than she would have normally, then gave them apologetic looks for the severity of her words.

"Bye mama! Me an' daddy is takin' Thomas to the park so hers can run! I will miss you so most!" Avery announced, skipping around the room.

"I'll miss you too, baby," Lindsay chuckled, grabbing Avery in her arms and kissing her. "When I get home from work, could we have a tea party?"

"Oh yes! With Thomas too?"

"Sure, with Thomas too."

Avery laughed and rushed over to tell the dog all about it while the boys trooped out to the car.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Be safe okay? I love you."

"I love you too. Avery, be a good girl for daddy."

"Okay mama, I shall. C'mon daddy, play monsters with me an' Thomas!"

Lindsay left the house feeling slightly deflated with a side order of exhaustion. It was with a heavy sigh that she got into the car, crossing her fingers that there would be no murders today, that she could spend her time in the lab, looking at trace evidence and not worrying about emotions.

"Hey mama, could I have money for chocolate milk?" Colton asked as they started down the street.

"I don't have any cash on me, honey."

"Oh. Well next week could we remember?"

"Sure."

"Are you alright?"

"She's distressed, Cole. I can tell. Because by her eyes is wrinkly."

"That's how you can tell?"

"Yep! Also because her hugs she gives us when she's distressed are much harder. Like she's tryin' real hard to squeeze some good stuff outta us for herself. If she hugs us tight enough, then she will feel happy. Don't you know that's why mama and daddy had so many kids?"

"Is that true mama?"

"I never thought about it that way but I suppose so."

"Are you really distressed? About what? Maybe me and Ben could help!"

"Yeah mama, let us help! We could be detectives what search to find your happiness again! That would be a great job for us. Also we could do funny things to make you laugh."

"What kinds of things?"

"Like a burping concert! You always think that is funny when you're not afraid we're gonna puke!"

"Maybe you can come up with something else. I'm just having a rough patch but I'll be better in a while. Maybe if we had a family movie night, that would cheer me up."

"Yes! Me and Cole will pick a movie, right Cole? A old one what was around when mama and daddy were kids."

"Okay. Let's think about it at school today. We'll exchange lists at recess."

"Awesome! Who's pickin' us up today mama? You or daddy? Or Mac! Could it be Mac? I really miss that guy!"

"You guys will ride the bus home and daddy will meet you there."

"Messers comin' over today?"

"No, not today, so make sure you all get on the right busses, okay?"

"Okay. What are we havin' for dinner?"

"Whatever daddy decides to make. There will be no complaining."

They both sighed. Adam was a good cook but when he was the only parent home all day he tended to go for something quick and easy. The boys were likely, at the end of the day, to want something that included a little bit from all the food groups, rather than just macaroni and cheese.

"Okay boys, be good today. I love you."

"Love you too mama," they responded in unison, both kissing her quickly as they slid out of the car and out to the playground where the Messer kids and a few other friends were gathered, waiting for the bell to ring. Lindsay stayed for just a moment, making sure the teacher had taken note of the boys' arrival, then headed out of the drop off area and to work.

The traffic did nothing for her mood and by the time she got to work she was ready to crawl back into bed and try to start the day over. Unfortunately, fate had other plans and just as she stepped off the elevator, she was handed her kit and directed to get back on.

"A scene before 8 am on a Friday? Jo, I don't remember signing up for this kind of treatment."

"I didn't either but duty calls. It's in University Heights," she said, punching the appropriate elevator button. "Which means you have time to tell my why you're sporting that look on your face today."

"Great."

Lindsay vowed to hold her tongue as long as she could but she was already talking by the time the car had started and before they even hit the road. She ran through the whole thing, explaining about her mothers' escape from the family, her fears for Avery, fears for herself, the way she felt Adam was responding to the whole thing. She finished with a big sigh, glancing over at Jo, who seemed to be focused on the road.

"Am I totally crazy?"

"No," Jo said definitively with a shake of her head. "I think that with everything you've been through, this is a totally normal reaction."

"But?"

"But I think you're spending a lot of time wondering if you're crazy. I think you need to learn to let go."

"Don't you ever worry, Jo?"

"About what?"

"Well about… anything?"

"Of course I do. I worry about Ellie ending up like her birth mother. I wonder if it's genetic, like she's predisposed to addiction. But I know that I've taught her the right things, and at this point I have to trust her."

"It's the world I don't trust."

"No, you don't trust yourself."

A silence fell over the car for almost a mile, and Lindsay couldn't help but shift uncomfortably in her seat. Leave it to Jo to loudly call attention to the thing that Lindsay was most worried about in herself. It wasn't done maliciously, it was done in a spirit of constructive criticism, an ability which Jo had earned by her mothering actions and self-sacrifice over the years. The words hurt a little, but only because they carried so much truth. Lindsay wasn't quite sure how to respond to it so she sat quietly for a while, staring out the window and resisting the urge to call Adam and make sure Avery was alright.

"I don't know how to let things go and leave them in the past and how to not worry about every little thing I do as if it's going to cause some chain reaction and everything will end up falling apart."

"You have to train yourself to stop. What happened to you is not going to happen to Avery. It's statistically improbable that anything even close to that will ever happen again in your family. As for being a good mother to her and guiding her properly, you're already doing that. She's happy, she's well adjusted, she thinks she's fabulous, and she knows you will never leave her. Sure, you've had some rough patches in parenting her and she's put you guys through the wringer on more than one occasion, but you dealt with it and it's over now. She's growing up and she's learning and while she may be extraordinarily weird, that's nothing to be ashamed of. She's herself. She's very aware that she's different and that's okay. You taught her that, Linds. It's not something she just picked up at the playground."

"Maybe that's true."

"I think what's happening is that there are a lot of feelings inside you about your mother leaving, feelings you didn't even know you had. And now you look down at Avery and you see yourself and everything comes bubbling back up. You were so little when it happened, you couldn't really distill all the information and emotions and I think you just hid them away in your head. But now it's all coming out. Part of you feels horrible for even thinking it because you and your mom have made peace with it all. You've talked, you've forgiven her, and you rarely think about it. So to now be struggling with it a little is making you feel guilty. You don't do well with guilt, and the heaviness of it reminds you of what happened in that diner. Every emotion and hurt that you've put away is creeping back out and you're channeling it into concern for Avery, rather than steps you need to take to care for yourself."

"But how do I stop it? How do I stop the nightmares and the panic that runs through me when I realize I haven't seen her for four hours. Even though I'm at work and she's with Adam and I know she's fine, I can't help feeling sick over it. I hate taking her to preschool and just leaving her there so most mornings I just sit in the parking lot the entire three hours because I'm so afraid something will happen."

"Have you thought about going back to see your counselor?"

"I'm not doing that."

"Lindsay."

"Look, this isn't depression. Her time needs to be spent with someone who really needs her."

"When are you going to stop putting everyone before yourself? You need help, Lindsay and you have a resource to get it."

"I know, I get that. I know that what I'm doing isn't healthy. But I feel like if I stop worrying then…" she trailed off, staring down at her hands.

"Then what, Linds."

"Then…"

"Then it will happen?"

"Yeah, and… if I stop worrying, maybe I don't love her enough."

At the confession she was expecting a soft "you know that's not true," or a short shake of the head or some other genteel, Southern assurance that she could never not love her daughter. What she got was very different.

"You know you love your daughter Lindsay. Everyone knows it, no one would ever question it. I know you're trained to put everything under a microscope, but stop doing it to yourself. You're only teaching Avery to be her own harshest critic and I know you don't want that for her. Stop questioning yourself because you know what the truth is. You're never going to be okay if you keep holding yourself back. You're a good mother, one of the best, and I don't understand why you always feel the need to question that. Knock it off. Stop being so blind and stubborn."

The words felt like pelting rain on her heart, but that was just as well. She wasn't above knowing she needed to hear them. She was being stubborn and she was being blind, and even if she couldn't stop the nightmares or the panic, she could stop her reactions to them. She could teach herself to slow down and not run the mental race of what ifs. And she needed to do that for Avery, and for the boys.

"Look," Jo started, a little softer as she parked the car across the street from the crime scene. "You are always going to struggle with these things, Linds. What it comes down to is how much power you give it. I know you, and I know that you refuse to become a doormat for anything. You're going to have to choose to stand up to this too."

"I know."

"Maybe that takes a while. Maybe everything won't be okay in the next two days, and maybe it means you have a rough time for a month or two. But as long as there's progress, you're okay."

"I don't want it to always be like this."

"It won't always be, Linds. You're going to be just fine. You're just going to have to work at it. And if there's anything I know about you it's that you don't give up."

"Thanks for believing in me because I sure don't."

"You will."

"An' today me an' daddy haved a dance party!" Avery said with a giggle, pouring fake tea into Lindsay's cup. "Twas most funny. Daddy can't dance."

"He can do the Macarena if you ask nicely."

"I'll 'member that next time. Thomas did not dance. Hers just sitted and watched us."

"Dancin's not your thing, huh Thomas?" Lindsay asked, ruffling the dogs ears. "That's okay, this family has been cursed with two left feet and the inability to accept that."

"Mama, you haved a good day at work?"

"It was a long day. I just wanted to come home to you."

Avery giggled and sat down, adjusting her hat and taking a sip from her empty cup.

"I like when you're home. I love bein' with daddy too, but you're my mama most. Oh! Ben haved a bad, bad day! Ben! C'mere an' tell mama 'bout your day!"

A few moments later Ben padded into the room, his head bowed slightly.

"What happened honey?"

"Well, 'member this morning when I haved no clean pants and I had to wear Cole's on account of you had not done the laundry?"

"Yes."

"And how I also have no underwear that was clean? And I had to wear sissy's?"

"Yes."

"I not like Ben wearin' my princesses," Avery grumped, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well at recess we were playin' soccer," he started, while Adam and Colton edged into the doorway to hear the story Ben had refused to tell before. "And just as I was goin' for the goal, outta nowhere, my belt breaked. And my pants falled down. And everyone seen that I was wearin' girl underpants!"

"Oh Ben, I'm so sorry!"

"Some of the kids maked fun of me but Dunner, he just telled them alls fair on laundry day and if anyone had anything to say 'bout my underpants then they could tell him all about it. After that I managed to get my pants up, and my teacher put a safety pin in there to keep them up until it was time to go home. But mama, you really gotta do the laundry! I don't want another catastrophe!"

"I'll do the laundry as soon as our tea party is over, I promise. And I'll make sure to do your pants and underwear first."

"That's all I ask," he sighed, shaking his head. "And maybe it's time for me to get some new clothes too?"

"I think maybe you're right. Adam stop laughing."

"That's not nice daddy! Don't laugh at me!"

"Ben, I'm only laughing because it's so funny that your pants happened to fall down on the same day you were wearing girl underwear. I'm not laughing at you."

"Well you ain't laughin' with me on account of I'm not chucklin'."

"I just have one question," Colton started, holding back his own laughter. "Did you score a goal?"

"Yes I did but… it was into the wrong goal."

"Most bad stuffs happen to my Ben," Avery sighed, walking over to hug him. "Don't be sad Ben. I love you."

"Thanks for not laughin' at me, sissy."

"Okay, on account of Ben having a bad day and on account of me forgetting about the time, I think we should go out to dinner," Adam suggested, swinging Avery up into his arms and kissing her cheek. "What do you think about that kiddo?"

"No way! We will have to leave my precious Thomas!"

"Only for a little while sweetie. I'm sure she will enjoy some time to herself."

"Thomas, you'd be okay without me? Not upset? Okay daddy, Thomas will be good. Let's go!"

He put her down and the kids ran down the stairs to get their coats while Adam reached out for Lindsay's hand to help her up from the child sized folding chair. She took it but let go as soon as she was up, not lingering there as his words from last night seemed to linger in her mind. He frowned at her but she moved past him, heading for the door.

"Babe, come on," he whispered almost desperately. "Talk to me."

"I can't right now, okay?"

"Not about anything?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands, her wedding ring glittering in the light. Of course it would seem to be particularly shiny right at this moment.

Love, honor, and cherish.
Sickness and health.
Joy and sorrow.
Anger and laughter.
Growth and opposition.
For all eternity.

"I just don't really know, Adam."

"That's okay."

"No it's not."

"Come here."

"I don't want to come there," she replied, a whisper of teasing in her voice.

"Then I'm coming over there," he decided, taking a step and wrapping her tightly in his arms. "Linds, I love you."

"I love you too."

"Even when you don't want to talk to me, I love you then too."

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty."

"I'm not honey. I promise. I just want to make things better."

"Then I need you to understand me and understand that I can't talk about things right now."

"Okay. But tonight after the kids are in bed we're talking about it."

"Alright."

He held her for just one moment longer then smiled and let her go, knowing that right now there was nothing he could do.