"Maybe it's time to think about talking to someone."

It had been three days since their last brief talk on the situation, and Lindsay had been very determined to avoid it altogether. She would busy herself with other things, go to sleep early, make sure that every time Adam tried to talk about it she found some way to change the conversation. They were both aware of what she was doing and the more she avoided, the more frustrated Adam became. Now as they lay quietly in bed, her pretending to be asleep, he found himself giving up and wanting to turn it over to someone else. There was no way he could help her if she wouldn't let him.

"I don't need to do that Adam."

"Well I can't help you then."

"I don't need help because nothing is wrong."

He sighed angrily, standing up from the bed and pulling his pillow with him.

"If you think what's going on is normal and healthy then fine, go for it. But I'm not going to be a part of it. You're on your own."

She sat up and watched him stalk out of the room, her stomach filling with dark dread as she realized how far her behavior had gotten. The nightmares were one thing, she couldn't really help that. But her near-obsession with the safety of the kids was becoming worse than she'd bargained for. She'd taken one sick day already to stay home with Avery just because she'd had a bad feeling, and the day she'd managed to go to work she'd come home early, taken her daughter in her arms and not let Avery out of her sight for hours. This wasn't just parental worry anymore, this was starting to affect their entire lives.

She got out of bed and went downstairs, where Adam was trying to get comfortable on the couch.

"I'm sorry," she stated bluntly. "I need you."

"Linds, what you're doing isn't healthy and I have to stand up for the kids. It's not right. If you want to keep doing this, that's your thing, but I can't support something that's so detrimental to our family. If you want to get better then I'm there and I'll support you, but if you refuse to do that, I can't help you."

She sat down on the other couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them, letting just a few tears fall. There was no way she could do anything without his support, one way or the other. And he was right, he was glaringly right with what he said about her struggle affecting the family. Ben especially was starting to read her, getting scared before he went to bed and worrying about things like car accidents and falling down the stairs. The knot in her stomach tightened as her mind fast forwarded through images of the kids, too cautious to ever really live.

"I need your help," she whispered finally. "But I'm scared and I don't know what to do."

"The first thing you need to do is let me back in and remember that I'm on your side."

"I know you are."

He sat up and moved to the end of the couch, reaching over to take her hand.

"Talk to me Linds."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why this is happening. I've never felt anxious like this before and I don't know what to do about it. I've never been anxious like this before. And I don't want to go to counseling. I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because when we start the adoption process they're going to look back at our histories and they're going to find that I've struggled within the last few years, and then we're not going to qualify. And it will be my fault."

"Let's cross that bridge if we come to it. Right now you have to do what's best. If that means we hold off on other things for a while, that's what it means."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you in the beginning, okay? Let's move on from here."

She nodded and he squeezed her hand tightly.

"Lindsay, are you going to go talk to someone?"

She sniffled and nodded her head slowly.

"Yes."

"Okay, good. Now what can we do tonight to help you?"

She shook her head and wiped at her tears until he came over to her side, pulling her into his arms warmly and stroking her hair back from her face.

"I don't know."

"I love you. I promise, I love you."

"I know."

"Can you tell me… Linds, how did this start?"

"It was after her birthday, right before Christmas. I was leaving for work and she was begging me not to go. "Mama don't leave me, mama I love you, mama I miss you, mama I need you." I had to walk out the door while she cried. I know now that it was because she was getting a cold and didn't feel well, but all day I couldn't get that out of my head. She wanted me and I walked away. Once I got home I tried to let it go. And maybe I did for a few days, but I just kept seeing myself in her. The things she said and things she did. I couldn't help it, I just felt like I was little again. Listening to my dad explain that my mom wasn't coming home for a while and she needed some time away. I didn't understand and I was angry and I felt like she'd left me. Not my brothers and not my dad, but me. She did it to hurt me or teach me a lesson. And I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail Avery. Like someday she's going to look back and be hurt by something I've done. That just snowballed into her being me and having to deal with everything the same way I did. I can't let go of that. I can't just trust that she'll be fine."

"You need to realize that Avery needs a mama who is present. Not one who is wrapped up in the past or worried about the future, but one who is there right now. That's what you need to learn to do Linds. You have to be there in the moment or you're going to miss everything and you will always see her under a veil of your own hurts. That's not fair."

"No, it's not."

"You are the best mama that I could have ever imagined for my kids. They are so lucky to have you. They know how much you love them and they know that you will always be here for them. I don't want you to always question if you're good enough because when you start questioning it is when things go bad. It's one thing to always want to be better, but it's another to think you're never good enough."

"I understand."

"What can I do right now to make tonight better?"

"Just hold me."

"That's all?"

"Yeah."

"You are the most frustrating, complicated, multi-faceted person I have ever known and I love the snot out of you. Know that?"

She chuckled and buried her face in his chest, wanting nothing but to hear those words over and over again. You're a challenge but without you I can't live. You make me crazy but you're all I want. You always have one more piece of baggage to unload but I will always be there to help you carry it.

"I know. I'm trying to be better, I really am."

"I love you with everything I have in me. And I'm starting to get love handles, so I've got more in me than I used to."

"Oh yeah? You want to let me see those love handles? Or handle 'em?"

There was a twinkle in her eye and he smiled, pulling her off the couch. They'd conversed enough for now, the groundwork and they could set it aside for other things, without the worry that it would never be discussed again.

He took her hand and led her upstairs, shutting the bedroom door behind them.

"But I want to go too!" Ben hollered, throwing his arms up in the air dramatically. "I like coffee!"

Lindsay chuckled and leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"You hate coffee, Benjamin. I'll only be gone for an hour or two."

"But I want to see Austin! And she could bring Dunner and me and him could have coffee too!"

"Honey, you and Junior just had a sleepover last weekend, and we're having family dinner tomorrow so you can see him then too."

"I just like to do special things," he sighed, adjusting his glasses. "You and daddy always get to do special stuffs."

"I'm sorry. Why don't you go play with Avery and Thomas?"

"Sissy thinks I hate Thomas on account of I laughed when Thomas tripped on the steps yesterday. She won't let me in the room and she yells at me if I try to play with Thomas."

"Well why don't you play with Colton?"

"He's reading a book and then he is going to do homework and then his chores and then him and daddy are going to play chess."

"They why don't you do something with daddy until then?"

"Because daddy is trying to fix our clubhouse!" he wailed, rushing forward and clinging to her. "I'm a middle child!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lindsay asked, trying to keep from laughing.

"Means I get overlooked and leaved out! That's what Sarah says how she feels sometimes!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way honey. I would like to talk to you about it and make you feel better. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"While I'm gone can you think about the ways you feel left out and how daddy and I can work to fix that? When I get home we'll all talk about it and come up with a solution."

"You'd do that for little old me?"

"Of course. Right now I have to go but as soon as I get home you have my undivided attention."

"Okay! I will make a list for you! See ya soon mama!"

"Go tell daddy that I left and that I love him."

"Will do! Be safe. You're my most prized possession after all."

"I'll be safe buddy. See you later."

She left the house and started to walk down the street, towards the little coffee shop that was halfway between her house and Austin's. They hadn't seen much of each other in the last few weeks, just a hurried hello while exchanging children or passing information on a case. It wasn't as if they were arguing or anything but it did feel like they were falling out of touch. The distance was affecting both of them and it wasn't until their well-meaning and observant husbands had given them no choice in the matter that they carved out some time for each other.

The bell on the door rang as she walked in, slowing her steps and enjoying the quietness of the small shop. Austin wasn't there yet so she ordered two melittas with vanilla and took a spot on the overstuffed couch, toeing her shoes off and settling in. After a moment she grabbed a book off the shelf next to her and started to read, getting through the first chapter before Austin showed, plopping down next to her with a grin.

"Sorry, Daniel had a little meltdown about not getting to do something fun. He said he could come and you could have brought his Binyin and they could have had cocoa while we had coffee."

"Ben said the exact same thing but he said coffee not cocoa."

"I love those boys."

"Me too."

"How are you doing, Lin?"

"I'm alright. A little mixed up but not too bad. You?"

"About the same," Austin sighed, tracing her finger around the top of her coffee cup.

"Something going on?"

"I don't know. Just feel kind of off lately. Need a vacation or something."

"Sounds like it. We can take the kids if you want to escape for a while. They're getting easier to handle in mass quantities."

Austin chuckled and nodded.

"Maybe we'll take you up on that. I bet there's somewhere we could go that wouldn't be ridiculously expensive."

"You definitely need to get out," Lindsay mused. "I can see it in your eyes. You're restless and headed for crazy."

"I need that on a t-shirt. But you're right. I'll talk to Danny, see if he can get some time off too. You really don't mind taking the kids?"

"Have I ever minded?"

"Okay. Now, what's up with you, Anxiety Annie?"

"I'm getting better," Lindsay sighed, looking down into the half-finished coffee and avoiding her best friends' eyes. "Adam and I have talked a lot the last few days and the nightmares have slowed a little."

"But?"

"But I think I need to go to counseling, even if it's just once or twice. I need to unload."

"Lin, you can always unload to me," Austin whispered, squeezing her hand. "I wish you would."

"I know. But this time I just feel like I need someone non-biased. And I don't like putting so much on you. It's not fair."

"Lin, I'm your best friend. It's what I'm here for."

"I know that."

"I don't want you to be relying on a stranger if I can help you."

"I understand that, but this time is different and I need to go about it differently than I have before. It's not that I don't trust you or that I don't want to tell you things, I promise."

"I guess I just miss you. We hardly ever see each other anymore and it kind of feels like we're not what we used to be."

"Maybe we should both use that get out of town free card."

"Think the guys would be up for doing dad duty for a few days?"

"I bet. We could take the girls and spend a few nights in Boston or Philly or something."

"They would love that. Let's do it over spring break. Can you get the time off?"

"Yeah, we'll just pick a definite date and I'll make sure that's when my weekend falls."

Austin nodded, her smile growing larger the more she thought about escaping the city.

"Think you can pry Avery away from Thomas for two nights?"

"I'll work on it. She will more than likely tell me that Thomas is a girl and should go with us and not have to stay with smelly boys."

"It's crazy how much she loves that dog."

"I know. Last night I called her down for dinner and she said she couldn't eat because she was playing with Thomas. She never ended up having dinner and fell asleep with Thomas in the dog bed."

"Remember when she was born and she was so quiet and sweet and now she's kind of insane."

"Maybe but we like her that way."

"She's the perfect last piece to our weird little family."

"That she is," Lindsay agreed softly, her gaze sliding out the window as she sighed.

"Lin?"

"Sorry. I just miss her a little."

"You just saw her before you left the house right?"

"Yeah. I know it sounds silly but I really do miss her when I'm not with her. I wonder what she's doing and what I'm missing and I think that's normal but I shouldn't be getting sad when I can't be with her. That's not okay and that's what I need to fix. Part of it at least."

"You're going to be okay Lin."

"I know."

"For now, want to go shopping? I actually clipped coupons."

"Oh, this I can't wait to see."

"Mama, tell me 'bout when you was little," Avery requested, rolling up on her tip-toes to see what was cooking on the stove.

"When I was little? What do you want to know?"

"You live on the farm in Montana. With papa and granna. Um, you was a nice girl?"

"I had my moments but I think I was."

"You liked to play?"

"I loved to play. Outside, all day long. That was my favorite. But when it was too cold I liked to play inside with my brothers."

"Oh, what your brothers an' you play?"

"Lots of things. We liked to do treasure hunts a lot and we would play games where we tried to scare each other."

"Sounds most fun," Avery grinned, reaching her arms up. "I wanna see our dinner."

Lindsay lifted her up so she could look down at the soup on the stove.

"Hmm, looks yummy. Mama, you is a great cooker."

"Thanks baby."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"So most?"

"So, so most."

"Oh good! I love my Thomas so, so most. Hers the bestest."

"Speaking of Thomas, where is she?"

"Takin' a nap. I not wanted to bother her. She had a long day."

"Oh she did?"

"Mm-hmm. We played in the yard for very long an' she runned and runned. I chase her but she gots too much energy. I haved to sit."

"Sounds like you had fun."

"Yep!"

"What else did you do while I was gone?"

"Well, I haved a fit. I was so sorry to daddy. Got sended to my bedroom for most long time. An' Ben gotta play with Thomas when I was in trouble. I did not like that."

"That's too bad. Maybe it will help you to remember not to have fits though."

"I do my best, mama. Promise."

"I know you try."

"I put plates on the table? I will help you mama. I put on plates and forks!"

"How about bowls and spoons."

"Oh for soup!" Avery laughed, slapping her hand against her forehead. "Silly me."

"Hey baby how would you like to go on a trip with me?"

"Me an' you to Montana 'gain?"

"Nope. You and me are going to Boston with Austin and Isa and Sarah."

"Oh boy!" Avery laughed happily. "It will be most, most fun! When?"

"Not for a while, but tomorrow you and I can make a count down so we'll know when it's getting close."

"Okay! Could Thomas come too? I don't wanna leave her with all the boys!"

"I thought you might say that. We'll see if we can figure it out, okay?"

"Okay! I am most excited!"

"Me too."

Avery grinned and hugged her tightly, absolutely delighted at the prospect of spending the weekend like a big girl. She loved her brothers very much and she would rather play with them than do almost anything else in the world. But she was the baby of the family and they always treated her as such. With Sarah, she never felt like a baby, though maybe slightly coddled. Isa never made her feel coddled or like a baby at all. Isa made her feel important and wanted. It would be nice to feel that way for a while. By the time they came back home, she would probably be missing her brothers so much that she wouldn't mind being held like a baby and told she was precious.

"Mama, I gotta tell Thomas! Be right back!"

She sped out of the room just as Adam came in, having to step out of her way to avoid a collision.

"Looks like someone's happy," he commented, chuckling as he watched her run up the stairs.

"Yeah, but really, does it take much to thrill her?"

"Not usually."

"You're really okay with being left here to take care of the boys?"

"Babe, you're asking me if I am okay with being the dad. I think I have established that I am more than okay with it."

"I know that, I just feel like I get to take a trip and you don't and it's kind of not fair."

"I already decided to take those days off too. The boys and I are going to hit every arcade in town, see some movies, build blanket forts and eat junk. It will be a vacation for us too."

"Alright."

"And hopefully we will be having these adventures from a Jeep, not a Camry?"

She grinned and nodded. Having given up his Jeep years ago for a more economical car, he'd been hoping to someday do another trade in. They were planning to go car shopping soon and hopefully they could find a fair trade-in. Lindsay had always felt bad that he had given up a car he loved so much, but it had been all his own doing and she hadn't been able to talk him out of it. He'd always wanted what was best for his family, even if it wasn't something that was easy for him.

"We'll go next weekend. Maybe we can find you something in neon orange."

"You're funny."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning into his chest and sighing deeply.

"I made an appointment with Emily for Wednesday morning when Avery's at preschool."

"Good. Is that what you want?"

"Yes."

"Nervous?"

"No, not really. I guess I just figured I would never need this again. Not that it's anything to be ashamed of, but I thought I had learned enough that I could fix myself."

"I love you but sometimes you're very naïve."

"Oh hush."

He smiled and dropped a kiss into her hair, then took her hand and spun her gently away from him, then back again.

"I'm proud of you honey. And I know you'll work to make this better and soon things will be okay again."

"I'll do my best."

"You always do. Dance with me, hmm?"

She nodded and relaxed into the simple steps, letting her mind take a breather and remind her that everyone was here, safe in the warmth of home.