A/N: I am sorry this story is so long. I never meant for this to happen...
The room was quiet and Lindsay let her gaze move from her hands to the wall to the floor to the clock and then out the window before she sighed and picked up the sentence where she'd left off.
"Is there something wrong with me?"
"No."
She let out a sigh of relief and sat up a little straighter, sure that she would get some answers and help now.
"Lindsay, there is nothing wrong with you," Emily reiterated, giving her a pointed look. "But there is something wrong with what is happening."
"Is it part of the depression I've suffered before?"
"I can't say definitively just from what you've told me, but I can say that this isn't something that I think will last. It's something you're going through, and you're going to get to the end of it."
"Okay."
"Right this minute, are you worried about Avery?"
"Yes."
"And what is it that worries you?"
"She's not with me and I'm afraid that something will happen to her. I know she's safe but all I can think about is that we always think we're safe."
"What does it take for you to leave her somewhere without you?"
"I have to start convincing myself well before I leave her. I have to think about how much she needs to have her own time, how statistically improbable it is that anything would happen. I have to remind myself of all the safety precautions her school has, all the things we've taught her. It's like I have to convince myself every time. And then when I drop her off I hug her and kiss her goodbye and then I get in the car and I cry because I don't know what else to do."
"How many times have you sat in the parking lot until school was over?"
"Every time I've taken her, except for today."
"How many times have you slept in her bed, before or after nightmares?"
"I'm not sure. I haven't in the last week though. Adam told me I can check on her but I can't stay down there."
"How often do the worrisome thoughts pop into your head at work?"
"Not all that often. If I'm busy I can stay on track and I don't think about much, but if I'm just doing mindless tasks I start to worry."
"Why do you suspect you don't worry about the boys?"
"I think a lot of it is just because of the bond I have with Avery. A mother-daughter relationship is special, and I think it's because I see so much of myself in her that I worry she'll have the same problems and experiences I've had. I don't worry about that with the boys because they're so much like Adam, and I know they won't go through what he did. It doesn't make sense really but I think that's most of the reason."
"Are you afraid of Avery experiencing the same tragedy you did, or just her safety in general?"
"Mostly just in general. It's normal worries like her choking on food or falling down the stairs or suddenly getting a horrible disease. I don't want to think about these things but I do and I can't let them go. Finally I tire myself out and fall asleep, but then there's the nightmares."
"It's becoming a cycle isn't it? You manage to get through the day and then you have nightmares, and that just fuels your worry during the next day. I am sensing that you feel like there's no way out."
"Sometimes I think that, yeah. It's like I'm running on this treadmill and I know there's a way to stop it, I just don't know what that is."
"When you think about everything being okay again, what do you picture?"
"I see sleeping through the night and going about life like a normal person. I see the kids happy and playful and not worried about anything. I see Adam not watching me out of the corner of his eye all the time wondering if I'm okay. I want Avery to have a full life and I don't want to hold her back from experiences because I was scared of what might happen in a one in a million shot. I don't want her to be scared of life. Caution and knowledge are good, but I would hate it if she never did anything because she was worried."
"Does she seem scared of things right now?"
"Normal kid stuff, but no, nothing excessive. We always say that life isn't big enough for Avery. She can't get enough of living or something. But she copies a lot of what I do and I don't want her to suddenly start copying my bad habits and thoughts too."
"You want to be better for her. Better than your mother was for you?"
"Yeah."
"We always want more for our kids than what we had. Even if our childhoods were perfect, we want our kids to have it even better. There's nothing wrong with wanting that."
"I know. I just have to get to the point where I remember that what I want for my kids has little to do with what I had. It's like my life has been one fluid thing, every event has flowed into another, but I can't let everything in the past dictate what I do now."
"You can learn from it, but you can't control what you have left to learn."
"Yeah."
"Lindsay, we're going to get there. Everything that you're imagining that you want, we're going to work to get that for you. You don't have to worry that this doesn't have an end, because it does. You may not be at peace, but you are mentally sound and fit for duty as it were. It might take some work but we're going to figure it out together, and hopefully soon, you won't need to be here anymore. I need you to commit to this. Are you going to see it out to the end?"
"Yes."
"Alright. Let's get started."
"Hey daddy! When we're shoppin' for this car, do we gotta put it in a shoppin' cart?" Ben asked, leaning forward as much as he could. Colton rolled his eyes but chuckled at the question while Avery roared with laughter.
"Yeah we do. I'll need you to push the cart so I can check out all the other cars, okay?"
"Okay daddy. I will push that cart for ya, but if we get on a hill and it takes me away and I hold on with one hand and fly in the air like a kite, remember to take a picture. I got show and tell next week."
"Hey Ben?"
"Yeah Cole?"
"You're really weird."
"I know. Hey mama, don't you think it would be funny if I was in the air like a kite?"
"I think it would be hilarious. We could take a video and it would become viral and then you would be famous and they would give you a name like "Ben the Kite Boy" and we would all go on talk shows and then we would be rich!"
Ben sat back in his seat and laughed, trying to come up with some other fantastic thing to add to the story.
"And then when we was rich, we could shop for lots of cars. And I would buy sissy a pink motorcycle what had a sidecar for Thomas!"
"What would you buy me, Ben?" Colton asked, suddenly interested in what his little brother would come up with.
"A submarine! I think it would be a place where you could go and be quiet while sissy and me were wild. You could get away from it all. Plus you could drive it places, like to Hawaii or Nebraska!"
"Sometime I would take you with me and we could go on a trip like Cory and Eric did on Boy Meets World."
"Could we go see the biggest yarn ball in the universe?"
"Sure!"
"I wanna go too!" Avery shouted, pounding on the armrest of her carseat.
"Okay Aves, you can come sometime and we'll go to Australia."
"I love kangaroos!" she confirmed with a nod. "This is so silly."
"Hey kids, not to be a downer, but we need to go over some rules before we get to the car lot okay?"
All three kids sighed and looked at each other knowingly. Having rules before they got somewhere always meant there was going to be a lot of temptation to break those rules and the high possibility of at least one of them ending up with a punishment.
"You need to stay close," Lindsay started, glancing back to make sure the kids were listening.
"Inside voices, even if we're outside," Adam added.
"No running."
"No whining."
"Remember that the cars are not a playground."
"Benjamin and Averylin, if we put Colton in charge, you two need to listen to him, okay?"
"Okay daddy," they all chorused, Avery a little louder than the other two just because she wasn't sure how to be quiet.
"You can go back to your silliness now."
They erupted back into chatter and Adam glanced over at Lindsay, enjoying the amused smile that was playing on her lips. It had been so long since he'd seen it come easily like this and he left his eyes off the road for a second longer than was safe, just to look at her.
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too. Thanks for being there."
"I wouldn't go anywhere else. You look good today honey. You slept all night."
"Yeah, no nightmares. It's a nice change."
He nodded, having slept better as well with her by his side all night. He could let go of some of the worry now, which meant he was better able to help her gently rather than confrontationally as before.
"Is this the place where we're gettin' a new car?" Ben asked after a while. "I never really looked at a car store before! How'd they get those cars inside the place? Did they have to drive 'em in a window? That is hilarious!"
"They probably have garage doors in the back, Ben," Colton reasoned. "Or maybe they take the roof off and drop them in with a crane."
"Now that would be ridiculous Cole."
"Well of course it would!"
"Lookit that thing!" Avery shouted, pointing at the string of balloons that ran from the roof high into the sky. "Want that in my room!"
"It would make our house float away, sissy. Like in that movie."
"Oh no, I not want that now. Daddy, you buy that car there! It's pretty!"
"Sorry sweetie, I don't look good in gold."
"Everyone looks good in gold daddy. For it's the color of rich."
Lindsay snickered and then tried to cover it up, throwing her hand over her mouth and closing her eyes, laughing silently at Ben's proclamation.
"What? Mama why are you laughin' at me?"
"Because you crack me up."
"I'm not even tryin'! I'm just bein' plain ol' Ben! Am I really that funny? Maybe I should be a clown!"
"We could call you Bozo," Colton laughed.
"No thanks, I think I will be Ronald McDon- hey daddy could we have McDonalds French fries for lunch?"
"We'll see, buddy. If we buy a new car we might not be able to afford French fries."
"Oh dag-nabbit."
"A playground!" Avery hollered while Adam parked the car. "We could play?"
"We'll see, honey."
"I love slides so very most. Ben, you go on it with me?"
"If mama and daddy say okay then I will! We could go in a train but don't slide down a'fore me or I might cry."
"Oh, okay Ben. I not do that. An' swings! Oh Thomas loves swings! Her likes the baby swing an' I push her gentle on it!"
"Sissy, you really put Thomas in the baby swings?"
"Yep. I done it an' me an' daddy laughed and laughed again! Thomas was so happy, hers smiled a lot. Hers can't laugh, just bark."
"Wouldn't it be funny if she could laugh? What do you think it would sound like?"
"Hmm, I not sure," she answered contemplatively, tapping her chin while Adam unbuckled her from her seat. "I think 'bout it."
"Mama, could I take the kids to play on that playground?" Colton asked. "It's all fenced in."
"Maybe after we find someone to talk to about a car."
"Alright. Aves, hold my hand so we don't get separated."
"Okay. Daddy needs a pink car. Or orange!"
"Let's just see what's available, okay?"
Avery nodded and trotted along next to Colton as they made their way into the building. She could feel herself getting bored already, her hand twitched as she longed to reach out and touch one of the shiny cars, a good indication that she was going to need some form of entertainment, and fast.
She spied the candy dish almost immediately and ran for it, digging her hand in with gusto and coming up with a dozen Skittles. Her eyes widened in happiness and the candy was almost all the way to her mouth when she couldn't move it anymore. Looking up she saw Lindsay, who seemed slightly upset about something.
"Averylin."
"Oh. Lookit mama, I gots candies!"
"Did someone tell you that you could have those?"
"Well… no, but they's free!"
"Avery, you can't just grab things even if they're sitting out. Throw them in that garbage can."
"But mama!"
"You heard me."
"Oh fine. I could spin in a chair like Ben?"
Lindsay whipped around at the same time that Adam noticed the boys and rushed to them, pulling Colton away from the chair and catching Ben just before he fell out of it.
"What are you two doing?"
"Daddy, you can't expect us to see a spinny chair and not spin in it!" Colton defended, trying to appeal to his fathers' childish side.
"Wow, everything is movin'!" Ben exclaimed. "Looks like the world is spinnin' and I'm not!"
"Boys, you can't do things like that when… and… maybe we should send you to that playground," Adam sighed, running his hands through his hair as a salesman approached. "Go ahead and go outside but stick together and only play on the playground."
"Okay! Come on guys!"
Ben and Avery were happy to grab Colton's hands and run outside the office to the playground which seemed to exist solely for the entertainment of children who unfortunately had to accompany their parents to the car dealer.
"Let's play pirates! Sissy you can be the captain."
"Arr! Walk that plate!"
"It's called a plank, my captain."
"Yes, the plate. Walk on it."
She pointed up at the top of the monkey bars, clearly insistent that Ben walk across them. He balked at her directions, shaking his head slowly.
"Um, I think it is Cole's turn to be the captain!"
"No! I am! I is the captain Ben. Walk the plate!"
"Well… then… show me how!"
Avery nodded and climbed up the play structure, her tongue sticking determinedly out of her mouth as she tried to figure out how to go about this. Finally she jumped and grabbed the first rung, swinging there for a moment, deciding that she needed to get her legs around the next rung so she could pull herself up. The boys watched with bated breath as she swung back and forth, gaining momentum until she could toss her legs up over the other rung. It took a few tries but she finally managed to do it, then hung there for a while, figuring out her next move.
"I don't think you can do this, sissy."
"I can Ben! Watch!"
But almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth she lost her hold and slipped, hanging by her legs for a moment before falling straight to the ground. She lay there motionless as the boys rushed over in a panic.
"Breathe sissy, breathe!" Ben shrieked, shaking her shoulder.
"I think she just got the wind knocked out of her," Colton reassured, helping her to sit up. "She fell right on her back and whoosh!"
Avery sat up dizzily and sucked in a huge breath, her eyes going wide at the lingering pain from the fall.
"You alright Aves?"
"No!" she wailed, bursting into noisy tears. Ben hugged her tightly and kissed her cheeks while Colton tried to shush her. He didn't want anyone to think he wasn't capable of keeping the kids safe.
"Aves, it's okay. Don't cry! You're not hurt, just scared. Me and Ben will hug you and you'll feel better okay?"
"I want mama!"
"No Aves, we can't bother them. Come on, we'll go down the slide together okay?"
She wiped her eyes and nodded, allowing him to pull her across the playground to the slide. It took her a little while to get her bearings back but soon she was happy again, running around laughing while Colton chased her.
"Hey look at me, I done it!" Ben shouted from his spot atop the monkey bars. "I'm the king of the world!"
"Ben! Get down from there! You're going to crack your head open!"
"It's okay, I got balance. Now I will walk the plank!"
He started towards the end of the monkey bars carefully, jumping off the end when he finally reached it.
"There! Now don't tell mama and daddy that I did that. They will freak."
Avery giggled and gave him a thumbs up.
"That was scary of you Ben. I wanna tell Thomas an' Sarah!"
"Okay! I will tell Dunner when we get home. He will think I am radical!"
Colton sighed and shook his head, suddenly feeling a little more grown up than he was supposed to be.
"Hey Cole, look at this! There's a bunch of worms and junk under this rock! Come help me lift it."
Colton rushed to the edge of the playground and helped Ben lift the rock up so they could inspect the treasures below.
"Wow look how big that worm is Cole! I bet it's a mile long!"
"Not that long Ben but it is pretty big."
"I like that rollie-pollie bug what's all rolled up! Those things are neat. If I was a bug, that is what kind I would be. No one wants to die those kind."
"That one over there is an earwig. They are disgusting. Mama hates them a lot."
"She does?"
"Yep. She hates them more than daddy hates spiders."
"Oh wow that's a lot of hatin'! Daddy is so scared of spiders. Last time he pushed me into the bathroom to kill one what was in there. I cried and then sissy picked it up and threw it in the toilet. Without no paper or gloves or nothin'. Just picked it right up like a champ."
"Aves is weird. How many ants you think are living here Ben?"
"A bazillion maybe? Look that one is red!"
"Don't touch it, those things sting and bite. Daddy told me that one time when he was a kid he was somewhere and he stepped on an ant hill and it had red ants in it and his foot got all bit."
"That's gross! I wonder if they leaved teeth marks."
Colton laughed.
"That would be so funny to see ants with big old chompers! I wonder if ants have dentists."
"Cole, even I know that would be weird. Did daddy have to go to the hospital when he got bited?"
"Nah, he said that Gigi took care of it at home but it was really stingy and it left a scar in one spot."
"That's quite a story. I wonder why he never telled me 'bout it!"
"I dunno. I bet daddy's told you lots of stories that he hasn't told me."
"Maybe so. He telled me that one time he hided under the table because he didn't want to eat his tomato soup and he wanted to run away but Gigi finded him and said she would be heartbroken if he left her and then he got a cookie."
"That's what mama would say to me and you too, if we were hiding under the table."
"Yeah, we got a mama what loves us a lot. And she even loves sissy, though sissy is kinda gross a lot."
"I caught her eating boogers yesterday. It was so gross I almost threw up. I made her brush her teeth."
"That is so sick! Hey sissy! Wait… Cole where's sissy?"
Colton looked up from the dirt and scanned the small playground, panic rising in his chest. He'd lost his baby sister.
"Aves! AVERY!" he shouted, standing up and running to the gate, hoping she hadn't wandered far. "Averylin come out right now!"
"Sissy! Sissy! Where are you?"
Avery hadn't gotten that far after all, but she was basically inaccessible. Happily, she had climbed into one of the cars on the lot and locked herself in, and was now sitting in the front seat, singing and pretending to drive. She waved at the boys as they pulled on the door and tried to get in, both of them getting more and more upset.
"Cole, I think we need to get mama and daddy."
"No we don't," Colton sighed. "Here they come."
"Averylin Grace, what are you doing?" Lindsay asked while the salesman fumbled with his keys and tried to open the door.
"Hi mama! I go on 'cation!"
The door was finally opened and she slid out of the seat, unaware that she had done something wrong.
"I drived to a ocean! Pretended Thomas was a'side me! We haved such fun."
"What do you think you were doing getting in a car like that?"
"But mama-"
"You know better than that, Averylin."
"I was just-"
"When we get home you are going straight to your room."
"Mama it was my fault!" Colton said, stepping in between them. "I wasn't watching like I was supposed to! Don't be mad at Aves!"
"Yeah mama, we don't wanna see sissy cry! And Cole was teachin' me 'bout red ants, so he couldn't 'zactly watch sissy super close."
"Boys, I know you want to stick up for your sister but she is four years old and that is old enough for her to know that if daddy tells her to stay on the playground, that's what she should do."
Avery's bottom lip quivered in shame and fear. She'd had her fair share of consequences, but it had been a long time since she'd needed a punishment and she didn't like the way it made her feel at all.
"I so most sorry mama."
"I know you are. Let's go sit in the car we actually own until daddy finishes up."
The kids followed along behind her and climbed into their seats unhappily. None of them liked disappointing their mama so much and they sat silently, exchanging looks with each other, wondering how to make this up to her.
"Are you getting a car daddy?" Ben asked hesitantly once Adam joined them.
"Not today. We'll have to come back sometime later."
"Is it because of us?"
Adam was quiet and they all knew the answer before he said anything.
"I think that mama and I should have gone alone."
"I'm sorry daddy. For spinnin' in the chair and for not bein' a good example to sissy."
"Me too daddy, I'm sorry for the same things."
"And me daddy! Sorry I goed for a drive!" Avery added with a sniffle.
"I think we need to have a little review of the family rules when we get home."
"We're all real sorry daddy. Do you forgive us?"
"Of course I forgive you, but that doesn't mean we're not going to talk about it."
"But what about your car?"
"Mama and I will go back later."
Disappointment ran heavy as they made their way back home, no one saying very much. The kids had the sinking feeling that this family meeting wasn't going to be very fun, and Adam and Lindsay were both wondering how they had let so much coldness creep into their voices. The kids were just being kids, and while their actions had been wrong, it wasn't like they had set out to sabotage the day. It felt like they had all failed a little bit.
"Thomas! Thomas, here girl!" Avery shouted, standing on the back porch. "It's time for bed! Here girl!"
Thomas came running out of the bushes in the back, giving a happy bark as she trotted up the steps and was scooped clumsily into Avery's arms.
"That's my girl. Let's go upstairs and go to sleep."
The door slammed behind her and she struggled into the house, holding the dog as best she could.
"Averylin, it's bedtime."
"I'm comin' mama! Just had to get Thomas. She was playin' outside still!"
"Maybe you should put her down so you can get up the stairs."
Avery nodded and plopped Thomas on the floor, then ran up the steps to her room. Thomas hesitated, putting one paw on the bottom step and whimpering. She hated the stairs and did everything she could to avoid them, as slipping off of them one too many times had started to take its toll.
"Thomas, come upstairs," Lindsay coached, patting the floor.
"Yeah Thomas, c'mere! We cleaned my bed today, it's nice and warm and snuggly!"
Thomas made her way carefully halfway up the steps, then stopped, looking up at them pleadingly.
"Okay, I'll come get you," Lindsay relented. "Big chicken dog."
Avery chuckled and ran ahead into her room, pulling the blankets back and climbing in.
"Chicken dog, that's funny mama. Thomas are you a chicken dog? Hers said yes mama, she is a chicken dog. Snuggle her down a'side me!"
Lindsay smiled and put the dog in the bed, then stretched out next to Avery, yawning and rubbing her eyes.
"Mama?"
"Yes baby?"
"I so most sorry 'bout today."
"I know. Daddy and I both forgive you and it's all over. We don't need to discuss it anymore."
"I feel sad."
"Why?"
"Dunno. You love me?"
"So much, Averylin Grace. You have no idea."
"Okay. Um, when you is mad, you not love us?"
"Sweetheart, I love you all the time. Every single second of every single day from the moment I knew about you until the end of time. I will never, ever stop loving you, no matter what you do."
"Well… hmm."
"That doesn't mean I want you to get into trouble. I still want you to be a good girl, but I will love you even when you make mistakes."
"Okay mama. I love you if you make mistakes too!"
"Do I make mistakes?"
"Uh-huh. No sugar on my cereal for breakfast! Big mistake. I still love you."
"You are the best little girl I could have ever asked for to be my daughter."
"I am?"
"Absolutely."
"Oh mama, I love you so, so, so most! Big as the ocean!"
"Right back at you kiddo. Sleep good and I'll see you in the morning."
Avery nodded and snuggled down into her blankets, one arm thrown around Thomas as she closed her eyes and let sleep take her. Lindsay crept across the hall to the boys room where Adam was finishing tucking them in and they were all laughing about something.
"What's so funny?"
"It's a boy thing, mama," Colton chuckled. "You would think it was gross."
"I tooted real loud," Ben explained. "It scared daddy, he thinked there was a animal in here."
"That is gross."
"Then we laughed and could not stop. Didja come to kiss us goodnight?"
"Yes I did but I don't know if I want to anymore."
"Why not? Are you afraid I will let out another one?"
The boys erupted into more laughter and Lindsay rolled her eyes, leaning down to kiss them quickly.
"I'll see you weirdos in the morning. Don't stay up too late talking okay?"
"Okay mama."
Adam bid them goodnight too and they left the room, closing the door behind them.
"So."
"So."
"How'd your appointment go?" he asked, taking her hand and pulling her upstairs.
"It was fine. I'm okay."
"Just okay?"
She sighed and climbed onto the bed, pulling a pillow under her head and lying there quietly for a few moments.
"She said it's normal and what's happened to me in the past makes it a lot harder to deal with, but it's not something that's going to take over our lives."
"Did she give you homework?"
"Yeah. I can't check on the kids in the middle of the night for a week."
"Not at all?"
"Well I can send you to do it, but she wants me to write down what scares me and why I feel like I need to check on them, instead of actually going down there."
"That might help."
"It's worth a try," she admitted, closing her eyes while he ran his fingers through her hair. "I just want it to get better, even if it's not easy."
"It's never easy when it's worth it."
"You keep saying that. Is that your way of telling me I'm difficult?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I tried to be difficult before you fell in love with me so you would know what you were getting into."
"I don't think it would have changed anything."
"Good, because I think I am going to get more difficult as I get older."
"Are you testing me?"
"Yeah."
"I love you babe."
"I love you too."
"Anything else you want to talk about?"
"Not really. You?"
"Nah, I think I'm good for now. Ready to go to sleep?"
"Yeah. I'm tired."
He nodded and pulled the blankets up over them reaching out for her hand and smiling.
"What?"
"Sometimes I just think about the fact that there was a time when we were just friends and there were no kids or bills or arguments or anything and I wonder what took us so long to get here. I wish we would have started day one."
"I think we kind of did."
"Maybe so. Goodnight babe. Sleep good."
"I think I will."