He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting outside. After the initial information had sunk in, he'd retreated to the only place he could think of that might give him a little space. The back porch was small and uncomfortable, nothing more than some concrete steps from the house to the driveway. He didn't mind the numbness in his body, rather he wouldn't have minded if it had even registered. As it was he didn't notice much of anything right now.

He'd just spoken to his mom earlier in the day, confirming plans for their visit at the end of May. He'd been looking forward to spending some time with her and was hoping that they would get to spend a morning bird-watching, as they had done when he was younger and money and freedom were scarce. The older he got, especially now with the kids growing up, the more he was aware just how much his mom had sacrificed for him. Even when she'd made mistakes, she'd done everything she could to make his life as wonderful as possible. That first year after escaping his father had been amazing. Exhilarated with freedom and safety, they'd been a little reckless for a while. Nothing dangerous of course, but having ice-cream for dinner or staying up all night to watch movies had become something they shared. Money was tight but they were together, unbruised, never cowering in a corner or jumping at raised voices. It was like a rebirth for them both and he'd always looked on that time as a turning point in his life. Hearing music from that year took him right back to those days, driving late into the night with the radio on because the car had windows that could be rolled down for cooler air and their little apartment didn't. Those days were far away but right now they seemed close and he wanted to be sitting next to her in the old AMC Pacer as they drove looking at the sky.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up, finding Austin coming to sit next to him. He gave her a questioning look, wondering why she or Danny would without fail show up in times like this. He and Lindsay would do the same thing of course but sometimes it took him by surprise how the four of them could be so loyal to each other.

"Linds called," she said by way of explanation.

"And you came? It's after midnight."

She shrugged and drew a pack of Marlboros out of her pocket, taking one out and lighting it. He looked at her for a moment, realizing that he'd never seen her with a cigarette before but he knew she used them very occasionally when she was stressed. After taking the first draw she handed it to him and he realized she wasn't doing it for herself. He held it lightly in his fingers for a moment, looking at it intently and remembering the last time he'd had one. He was fifteen, experimenting because he could and while he hadn't choked on it, he didn't find much use in it. Tonight he took a large draw anyway dismissing everything that told him it was a stupid way to cope.

"She's upstairs packing," Austin continued. "Tip-toeing around so she doesn't wake the kids. Said she doesn't know what to say so she's doing something practical because at least it's something."

"Sounds right," he said, taking another draw, then stubbing the cigarette out on the step. "I don't know what to say either."

"Do you know what happened?"

"I didn't really- couldn't really ask."

She nodded, playing with the lighter absentmindedly for a moment before shuffling her feet against the lower step, taking a deep breath of the night air.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I wish this wasn't happening."

She didn't say anything, just leaned back on her elbows, turning her face to the sky in such a serene way he wondered for a moment if it was actually Austin Messer sitting next to him and not someone from an alternate universe.

"I don't know much Adam but I know your mom was proud of you. The man you became and the father you are. All the hard things she went through were worth it because of you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm not stupid."

He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair.

"I didn't realize how much of my life I spent being angry with her without knowing it. Up until a few years ago, I was so mad at her for not getting out sooner. So mad that I couldn't fully appreciate everything she'd done to try and keep me safe. I wish I'd figured that out sooner. Wish I'd spent more time just being her son, you know? I should have visited or called more. I don't know why I didn't."

"Because you're human. We don't know what's going to happen in the future. We can't shift our lives accordingly. Everyone has regrets at the end."

"She's the only one who knows exactly what it was like. I guess I've always thought that my father would pass away before she did. He's in prison I know, but somewhere inside me that little nine-year-old kid is wondering why she's left me here with him."

He didn't know he was crying until he stopped talking. Austin's arm went around him tightly and he leaned into her, grateful for her silence. She may not understand specifically but she got it. He would have liked to speak more but he knew the things he wanted to share were things he'd rather discuss with Lindsay. Not that he didn't appreciate Austin, but there were times when a wife needed to trump a friend and this was one of those times.

"I'm sorry, Adam," she said after a moment.

"Thanks."

"Are you good out here?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Okay. I'm going to go help Linds pack. Come inside when you're ready."

He nodded and sighed as the screen door shut behind her. He only needed a few more minutes.

"How are we going to tell the kids?"

The question took Lindsay by surprise because he'd been silent for the last hour. They'd been sitting on the front porch together, watching the sun come up and sipping coffee slowly. Neither one of them had been back to bed and wouldn't have been able to sleep if they'd tried.

"I don't know."

"I don't want to do it," he said, shaking his head. "I don't think I can."

"I know. I'll do it."

"What are you going to say?"

She sighed and glanced down into her coffee mug.

"I have no idea, but I think sooner is better than later."

"What time does our flight leave?"

"Nine. Which means we need to wake them up and feed them pretty soon."

He nodded and she stood up, turning around and leaning back down to kiss him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Thank you for telling me all those things."

He smiled, the first one he'd managed in hours, and nodded. He'd talked for so long, everything he was feeling bubbling out of him so easily that he hadn't wanted to stop. He'd shared things with her that he'd never expressed before, and he'd cried more in the last few hours than he probably had in the last twenty years. Through it all he'd been reminded why he married this woman, why he trusted her with his heart so soon and why that love and devotion had only grown over the years.

"Need me to do anything while you talk to the kids?"

"Everything's taken care of."

"Everything?"

"The bags are packed, I bought the tickets and printed the boarding passes. Checked the fridge for anything that will expire when we're gone. Made sure I had a bag of stuff for the kids to do on the plane. I called Jo about our schedules. I think I got everything. You just go shower, get dressed. Don't worry about anything else."

"What about the dog and cat?"

"Austin's checking on them while we're gone."

"How are we getting to the airport?"

"Danny."

"Is there more coffee in there?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

She gave him a smile and went in the house, steeling herself before going upstairs to the boys rooms. They were all just waking up, Avery seemingly slightly confused by her surroundings but soon remembering that she'd slept on the floor.

"Good morning mama! For the second time!" Ben said, rolling off his bed, tripping over his sister and fighting his way out of the blanket fort to get to her. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay. Kids, I have something to talk to you about."

Colton rubbed at his eyes and scooted over, giving her a place to sit while Ben and Avery climbed into the bed too.

"Mama, you look real sad. What happened?"

She didn't know what to say and the kids leaned against her, knowing the answer would come soon.

"I don't really know how to tell you guys this but your Gigi was very sick."

"She was? Was she throwing up a lot?"

"I make her better," Avery decided with a nod. "Make her chicken soup."

"She won't get better, will she mama?" Colton asked, his voice wavering perceptions on high alert. "Gigi died, didn't she?"

"Yeah sweetie, she did."

Tears dribbled down his face immediately and he tried to wipe them away, but they were coming too fast. Ben and Avery didn't seem to understand right away but Lindsay knew she could explain better in a moment, first she needed to make sure Colton was okay.

"I didn't even talk to her on the phone yesterday. I was playing."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay. It makes me sad. Where's daddy?"

"He's out on the front porch."

"I'm going to go talk with him."

He climbed off of the bed and went downstairs while Ben and Avery stared confusedly after him.

"Mama, what happened?" Ben asked, rubbing at his eyes. "Die is what happens in movies."

"No baby. People can die in real life."

"But why? What happened?"

"She was sick honey. They don't know exactly what happened yet but they're going to find out."

"Where did Gigi go?" Avery asked. "She go bye for a long time?"

"Yeah."

"But where to mama? Could we visit her there?"

"No we can't visit honey."

"But where is it? I want to know."

All the science in the world couldn't sufficiently answer this question for two kids and she found herself wondering why the most basic truth of death really had no good answers, and neither did she.

"I don't know Ben. I wish I knew."

"We will never talk to Gigi again? Not even on the phone?"

"No, we won't be able to do that."

"But she's our Gigi! Did she go to be a Gigi for someone else?"

"No baby."

"Then she has to belong to us!" Ben shouted, swiping at his eyes. "Me and her are buddies! She likes when I read to her on Skype! I need to go check if she is there."

"Ben-"

He didn't hear her, just ran downstairs while Avery cried.

"Mama, I am so sad. I miss Gigi."

"I know."

"Daddy says she's gonna visit soon! An' now hers not coming?"

"No."

"Oh mama!"

She began to sob, her little body shaking with the emotion and Lindsay rocked them back and forth as best she could, hoping to calm her down a little. Eventually Thomas jumped up onto the bed, licking at Avery's tears which made her half laugh, half cry.

"Mama, I want to see Gigi."

"We can't honey."

"I want to see grampa an' Hannah."

"We're going to see them later today."

"Okay. Let us go see daddy now. He needs a Avery-hug."

"He probably does. C'mon Thomas, we're going downstairs."

They made it all the way to the bottom step before they heard Ben crying. He was laying on the couch with tears streaming down his red face and Thomas trotted over, trying to comfort him.

"You were right and she was not there! Mama I need a hug."

"I do too."

She sat down with him and he held on tight while Avery reached over to pat his cheek.

"Ben, we need to make daddy feel okay. After we get our cries out, we need to hug daddy."

"Yeah we do sissy. This is the worstest day of my life what I ever lived. But I think it is the worstest, worstester day for daddy because Gigi is his mama."

He scrubbed his eyes and wiped his nose on Lindsay's shirt before standing up.

"C'mon sissy. Cole's already out there making daddy feel better. We should go help him. Daddy needs us."

"Tell to us a story mama," Avery requested, coloring on the airsick bag. "To make us feel happy."

"I don't know if I can think of one," Lindsay answered, adjusting Ben in her lap. "What kind of story do you want?"

"One what's happy," Ben requested. "Something what will make us laugh."

Lindsay sighed and glanced across the airplane where Adam and Colton were deep in conversation, watching out the window. She was worried about her husband but she knew there was nothing she could do for him right now. He needed to mourn in his own way.

"I can't think of a funny story right now kiddos. Why don't you tell me one instead?"

"Okay. Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a frog. Sissy, your turn."

"The frog was purple an' had big toes. Ben's turn."

"The frog was named Phillip and he lived in the pond outside a great castle. One day the frog was eating some leaves and stuff and he accidentally eated a tree seed!"

"Oh Ben this is gonna be hilarious."

"And that little seed went down in the frog and then his tummy got rumbly. Then that frog began to think to himself "Hey Phillip! It seems like you need to go have some time in the bathroom!" So Phillip hopped off into the bathroom all happy-like. But once he got there, he didn't make it to the toilet. On account of his big toes had started to grow even bigger. He lookeded at them in shock!"

"And then what happened to Phillip, Ben?"

"Well then Phillip understanded that a tree was growing inside of him! And he didn't know what to do! So he hopped up to the castle, growing by the minute. And he banged on the door and ribbetted "Oh King, you must help me, a poor lowly pond frog! Named Phillip!" And then the door swinged open and out came the king. And when he was told what had happened he maked a great ruling. He holded up his scepter and speaked to all the land. And he said "Oh my loyal subjects, today we learn an important lesson. You are what you eat!""

Avery let out a loud guffaw and Ben giggled at his cleverness.

"I like that story Ben! You can remember it and tell me again later!"

"Okay sissy. Did you like it mama?"

"Yes it was very creative."

"How much longer until we get to Arizona?"

"We'll be landing in a little bit. Which means that you need to sit in your own seat."

"I liked sittin' in your lap while it lasted, mama," he said, climbing back into his seat. "When we get down there what are we going to do?"

"We're going to go to grandpa's house. After that I don't know for sure."

"I think I will like to hug grandpa and Auntie Hannah a lot. Because they're so sad. I just wish we coulda hugged Gigi one last time."

"Me too buddy."

He sighed and glanced over at Adam and Colton, wishing for a moment that he was in on their conversation. He was a boy after all, and a pretty grown up one at that.

"Could I go sit over there?"

"No sweetie, you need to stay in your seat."

"That's disappointing. On the trip back could I sit with daddy?"

"Probably."

He nodded, the motion of it reminding her how badly he needed a haircut.

"When we get there, could I call Dunner?"

"Maybe. How come?"

"He's my best buddy. And he will know just what to say to make me feel better. That's the kind of thing we do for each other."

"If we have time, you can call him."

"Time for me to rest," Avery announced, pushing the seat-back tray up, discarding her drawing on the floor and pulling her blanket around herself. "Lemme snuggle your arm mama."

"Okay baby."

The plane began to make its descent a few moments later and Ben watched out the window happily, entranced.

"Arizona is much differenter than Yew Nork, huh mama?"

"New York, Ben. And yes it is."

"I like that this is the place were daddy did all his growin' up. I wish we were here for a better reason, like just a vacation."

"I know. Sit back in your seat honey, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

He nodded and the plane landed without more conversation. It wasn't until everyone else had left the aisles that they stood up, gathering their small bags from the overhead compartment. Adam reached over and picked Avery up, cuddling her close while Lindsay finagled the bags and convinced the boys to hold hands and stay together. They didn't want to but they knew it wasn't a good time to argue, so they held hands anyway and stepped carefully off the plane.

"Sissy's not gonna wanna wake up when you put her in the car," Ben sighed as they pulled the car seats off the luggage carousel.

"I know but she's going to have to cooperate. Maybe you can be a good brother and help her to be in a better mood."

"I'll try."

The kids were patient while a car was rented and they made their way out of the airport, Avery waking up just long enough to complain that she was too hot before she was buckled into her seat.

"It's okay little sissy. We will see grandpa soon," Ben assured, reaching over to brush her curls off of her forehead.

"It's most hot here," she yawned. "I wanna swim."

"Maybe later at grandpa's house," Colton suggested. "We'll have to wait and see Aves."

"I want to sit by daddy!" she said suddenly, her eyes filling with tired tears.

"I'm driving right now, Tink."

"But I want you!"

"I know. Why don't you rest your eyes and I'll get you out of the car as soon as we get to grandpa's house."

"Okay daddy," she sniffled.

"I think we're all just outta sorts," Ben sighed, looking out the window. "We wasn't prepared for all this."

Once they arrived at the house, Lindsay realized that the brunt of the funeral planning was going to fall to her. Not that she minded in the least. Dave was unable to sit still, moving from room to room, looking at small objects intently for a moment before wandering off somewhere else. Hannah had barely said a word to anyone, not because she didn't want to but because she was having a hard time figuring out what to say. Neither of them were very functional at the moment and Lindsay tried to tick down the list of things they needed to do so she'd at least have somewhere to start.

Colton wandered off with Dave, not saying much, but joining him in his scattered wanderings through the house. Ben had decided to take care of Hannah, and was currently perched on the side of her bed, rubbing her back while she cried and telling her that he was there for her and she could cry on his shoulder "even if it is kind of a small one." Avery had jumped in to help too, preferring to sit with Adam and tell him stories. She obviously wasn't well versed in this kind of thing, but she was doing all she could to make her daddy feel okay again.

"Can I help you mama?" Colton asked, poking his head in the kitchen door. "Grandpa went out to the garage to work on his car. But I think it was to cry so I thought I would leave him to it. I'll help you make lunch instead."

"Thanks buddy."

"Oh, grilled cheese and tomato soup. That will make everyone feel a little better," he sighed stirring the soup with a worried look on his face.

"What are you thinking about honey?"

He sighed and stood there quietly for a moment and it wasn't until she lifted his chin up to look at him that she saw he was trying hard to blink back tears. Turning the stove lower, she led him over to the table and sat down, pulling him into her lap.

"I don't want you to die, mama," he announced finally, throwing his arms around her. "I couldn't take it, I would die too!"

Her heart seemed to screech to a halt as she held him, rocking back and forth while he sobbed for all he was worth. It was several minutes before he was done and even then he still hiccupped and sniffled while she wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Colton, I can't promise that everything will always be okay. I wish I could but I can't because I don't know. All I can promise is that daddy and I both do everything we can to make sure we're with you kids for a long, long time."

"You guys got too much left to teach us. I want you to be there when I become a doctor someday and when I get married and have my own kids I want you to see that. Please don't die, mama."

"I love you buddy. I will always love you, whether we're together or apart or someday when it's time for me to go. I'll love you no matter what. You can always take that with you."

"What would happen to me and Ben and Aves if you and daddy died?"

"You would either live with Austin and Danny or Mac and Jo. It would depend on who was able to give you guys everything you needed."

"We wouldn't be orphans then?"

"Of course not. Daddy and I have a will just in case anything happens. You kids are taken care of very well. You wouldn't have to worry. You would be with people who love you very much, no matter what."

"Okay."

"Do you have any more questions?"

"How can I make grandpa feel better?"

"You can't, honey. All any of us can do is just be there for him and listen when he wants to talk. Same for Hannah and same for daddy."

"Okay. I love you mama."

"I love you too Colton. Everything will be okay, you'll see."

"I'm going to go check on Ben and Aves and make sure they're okay."

"Thank you sweetie."

"And then I think I'll go check on grandpa again. Just to make sure he's doing okay. And then I think I'm going to go sit outside for a while and think things over."

"You let me know if you want to talk more, okay?"

"I will mama. Thanks."

She kissed him gently and he slid off her lap then squeezed her hand before trotting off to the other room, leaving her wondering how in the world he'd grown up so fast.