Back inside the prison, my gut was wrenching. Watching them, especially Daryl, drive away... It made me feel vulnerable. Or more as if our whole group was vulnerable. I trusted that we could take care of ourselves individually, but we needed everyone together to keep each other safe. But, there was no going back from this, it had to be done. This talk was either going to solve the issues or add fuel to the fire. I was hoping issues would be solved.
Everyone was quiet, as we stood around the table in the big room, loading and securing our weapons. Every gun needed to be ready to shoot when picked up, there would be no room for mistakes, no time for hesitation if Phillip came here. If he sent people here. It would mean an all out battle to protect the prison, and all of the people inside.
"Carl," Glenn's voice made me look up, "come here... You stash these at the loading dock, all right?" He turned away from Carl. "Beth, put more up on the cat walk. If anyone gets pinned down, we need to make sure that they have plenty of ammo.. I'll go work on the cage outside."
"What we should be doin', is loadin' some of this fire power in a truck." Merle said, standing by the cage. "An' payin' a visit to the Governor. We know where he is right now."
"You suggesting that we just go in and kill him?" Glenn had stopped, turning towards Dixon.
"Yea, I am." Daryl's brother said surely.
"Nah, uh. Let the guys handle it for now." I said, and Merle glanced over at me, shooting a glare. "Look, I want him dead, too. Just not with our people out there."
"We told Rick and Daryl that we'd stay put." Michonne agreed, and I gave her a thankful look for backing me up.
"I changed my mind, sweet hearts." Merle said, but his voice was serious, barely any teasing laced in his tone. "Bein' on the sideline with my brother out there.. Ain't sittin' right with me."
"How you think I feel?" I huffed, loading the shotgun in my hand.
"Three of them are right in the middle of it." Glenn was trying to keep his cool, I could tell. "No idea we're coming, they could get taken hostage or killed. A thousand things could go wrong."
"An' they will." Merle kept on.
"My dad can take care of himself." Carl argued, annoyance in his voice.
"Sorry, son, but your dad's head could be on a pipe real soon." Dixon said quietly.
"Don't say that to him." Maggie's voice was slightly sad. Merle held up a hand, showing he wasn't trying to be mean or cruel.
"It's not the right move." Glenn said surely. "Not now. Can't take the risk of putting them in the crossfire. That's my decision, it's final." He walked away, heading for the outside gates. I kept helping Michonne and Maggie load up weapons. After we had finished, I walked over to the wall by the cage, and slid down it into a sitting position. I wished that Daryl and the others would hurry back. I worried for all of them. My brother, my boyfriend..
"Maybe we should take some guns into the cell block..." Maggie looked at Michonne and then to me. I shrugged.
"Couldn't hurt." I mumbled, feeling empty and tired. Michonne walked over to me and knelt down beside me.
"They're going to be fine." She said, and I nodded.
"Yea, I know.. Just worry about 'em. That's all." I explained.
"If you're so worried, come with me." Merle spoke up, grabbing a bag.
"Didn't we just discuss this?" I pushed myself up the wall, back to my feet. Michonne was standing as well, both of us watching him.
"I ain't gotta listen to that Asi-Korean shit." Merle argued.
"It's not a good idea!" Maggie tried, but Merle ignored her, setting his bag on the table. I heard the doors open and close, and Glenn walked in, looking at Merle.
"Hey, you're not going!" Glenn exclaimed, shutting the cell door behind him.
"I don't need permission." Dixon said, without looking over at him.
"I can't let you."
"You can't stop me." Merle shot back.
"If you're gonna live here with us, it's gonna be on our terms." Maggie cut in, looking at him. He ignored her, grabbing up his bag. "If Michonne can do it, why can't you?"
"'Cause it's my brother out there, that's why!" Merle argued, looking at her. "S'the matter with you all?" He walked up the steps toward Glenn.
"I'm not gonna let you put them in danger." Glenn held his ground.
"Nut up already, boy! This guy cops a feel of your woman, an' you pussy out like this? Git outta my way." Merle hissed.
"No." The next thing I knew, Merle grabbed Glenn, and the two began wrestling each other. They tumbled down the stairs, Merle on top of Glenn, his knife inches from his face.
"Get off!" Maggie jumped onto Merle's back, grabbing him in a choke hold. Michonne grabbed his arm, and I started forward to grab his other one, when a gun shot rang out. Turning quickly, I saw Beth standing there, arm in the air with a pistol in hand. Everything was quiet for a moment, before Merle began struggling to get free.
"Let me go! LEMME GO!" He growled, wrenching free from them.
"Come on, outside." I growled, grabbing his arm.
"Don't touch me!" He growled again, trying to jerk away.
"Merle Dixon!" I yelled, and he stopped struggling against my grasp, looking up at me with narrowed eyes. "Let's go out and talk. You need to cool down." I mumbled through gritted teeth, pulling him across the prison room.
"Spencer, you shouldn't go out-" Maggie started, but I cut her off.
"Got my gun, we'll be fine." I called, not looking back as I pulled Merle towards the doors.
"Not him I'm worried about." I heard Maggie mumble, as I opened the doors. I let Merle go, once he exited the prison.
"I know you're worried about Daryl, so am I." I said quietly, as I walked toward the exercise yard.
"Why'd ya bring me out here?" He fussed, looking around the yard for any sign of anything.
"Safe enough, plus figured if you're anything like Daryl, draggin' you outside and talkin' might calm your stubborn ass down." I replied, stopping by the bench. "If we could've planned this out from the get go, I would've been with you all the way. But... Merle, come on.. Daryl's out there, my brother's out there too, you know. Anything could go wrong. What if one of 'em got caught up in the spray of bullets? Can't risk my brother, can't risk Daryl. Your brother's out there?" I scoffed. "My boyfriend and my brother's out there. You ain't the only one worried."
"Boyfriend.." Merle snorted out a laugh. "Think you're the only reason my baby brother fought so hard to come back.."
"Nah," I shook my head, "he's close with everyone. Despite what you think, this group cares about him.. Know you hate Rick.. But when Daryl was wantin' to go back into the city, to try and find you, Rick volunteered without a second thought. Glenn went, T went... I went."
"I know." Merle nodded.
"Been through so much shit, man. So much shit. It ain't ever gonna stop. One big circle of shit, just keeps goin' and goin'." I mumbled, and Merle chuckled.
"Why do you love my baby brother?" He asked suddenly, and I looked over at him.
"He... When the world first went to shit, nothin' was more important to me than that little girl and Shay. They were my main priority from then on out, from the day we left our apartment. After the roof... Things started changin'.. Daryl started changin'. We had our share of arguments, he'd shut me and the rest of the world out at times. But no matter what, he fought for me, fought for Cheyenne. And I fought for him, too. It wasn't just Chy and Shay no more. It was Daryl, too. Knew it was more than just survival. The farm gave us room to grow closer, and I fell in love with him." I shrugged. "He's my savin' grace, I guess. You ought to be proud, he's a good man."
"Guess he is, jus' ain't like he used to be." Merle said, looking at me. "Better that way, huh?"
"You ain't always gotta be like that, Merle. You can let go of it all, just be free from all the bullshit of your past. Be good, for a change." I gave him a light smile. "But that ain't your style, huh?"
"Nope, girly. Not me at all." He looked back toward the doors. "I'm goin' back in. You should come on inside."
"Can take care of myself." I snapped playfully, raising an eyebrow.
"Daryl wouldn't want ya out here alone." Merle said seriously, and I looked back out at the field of walkers.
"Well, Daryl ain't here. Nothin's happened yet, just gonna stay out here a few minutes... I'll be fine." I waved him off with my hand. "Go on."
Merle chuckled as he walked away, and I worried for everyone. I worried for the guys who were still gone. I worried for the others who were inside. I worried for Merle, because I never knew what to expect from one moment to the next. Everything was always so complicated, and when he acted reckless and foolish, it didn't help at all.
"Spencer, what are you doin' out here?" The voice made my hairs stand up on my arms. It was like nails on a chalkboard, and I wanted to yell for Merle to wait up, not to leave me out here alone with her.
"Sittin'." I mumbled, hoping she'd just go away.
"It's dangerous, you know." Katherine sat down on the bench with me, and I scooted to the far end. "Geez, I'm not gonna bite." I didn't say anything, and was on the verge of getting up, when she spoke again. "My baby's out there.. Sam's out there.."
"He's gonna be fine." I said surely, trying to believe my own words.
"Fine? You really think that? You don't, do you, Spencer? No, I can see it, you're worried about them. Or rather, you're worried about Daryl." The way she said his name, as if he were disgusting, angered me.
"I'm worried about Sam, too!" I growled, not in the mood for games. I could feel her looking over at me, her eyes hateful.
"You know who I miss? Your father. He might've not been the best father, but he was... The love of my life." She cooed, and I looked over at her as if she were crazy.
"He beat Sam, me.. You. He tried to rape me! How can you say he's the love of your life?" I glared at her in question, and she glared back.
"He beat the two of you, 'cause you both were little shits! And he only hit me a few times, when I deserved it. You on the other hand, dressin' like a little whore.. You needed to be taught a lesson." Katherine stared at me with cold eyes.
"You're fuckin' sick." I muttered, standing from the bench.
"You know, you got your father's eyes..." She grinned wickedly at me. "And you talk just like him. Sam's a little more like me. But not you, baby. You take straight after your daddy."
"I ain't nothin' like that sick fuck." I spat, and she stood from the bench.
"You can go runnin' into Daryl's arms each time he returns, but is that gonna save you forever? Hm? He's just as good as gone. He'll leave again, eventually. Or die. But he don't want you, no one wants a girl like you. No one would ever want a girl like you. That's why you'll always be alone, Spencer. Sam loves you, of course. Only because he's your brother. I love you, no matter what, because you're my child. But no one else is ever goin' to love you. Your father didn't. He said you were too free spirited, and he was right. You needed to be broken. This world will break you one day. Once you realize you have nothin', Sam and I will still be here. You're nothin' without me." My mother sat back down on the bench, an evil smile spread across her face.
"I'm better off without you! You're fuckin' sick, you ain't no mother. Don't say you're my mother, don't ever say you're my mother, 'cause you ain't." I growled, turning away.
"I know his kind." She said quietly, and I stopped, waiting for her to speak again. "Your father was a lot like Daryl when we met.. He acts like he loves you now, but he'll change once he realizes he's got you. He's gonna show you I was right, when he beats the shit outta you..or rapes you."
"He's nothin' like that coward you call my father." I said, feeling near tears. "You're crazy, you're fuckin' crazy and sick.. Just leave me the hell alone." I trudged toward the prison, trying to erase the encounter with her from my head. How can she say those awful things to me? She ain't no mother, mothers don't say those kinda things... I ain't nothin' like that man... I got some of his features, but I ain't like him.. I ain't!
I stormed inside of the prison, ignoring the eyes of Michonne and Merle. Jogging up the stairs, I walked past the perch, and into our little cell. Sitting on the bed, I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to think straight. Nothing was okay in that moment, nothing she had said to me was okay. I just needed Daryl to be there, to be back home. They had been gone for too long, far too long.
The cell bed smelled like him, and I knew it'd drive me crazy to just sit there, waiting for him to return. I needed to do something, anything, to keep me occupied while I waited for his return. Jumping up from the bed, I left the cell. Back down the steps, I saw Carl heading toward the doors. He walked out, and I jogged across the prison to try and catch up with him.
"Carl!" I called quietly to him as I stepped outside. He turned and looked at me. "Mind if I tag along?"
"I don't mind." Carl waited for me to jog the few steps to him, before we walked out toward the exercise yard. Luckily, Katherine was no longer on the bench. "I think Dad's doin' the right thing. Don't you?"
"Sure thing, kid." I agreed. "Sometimes fightin' ain't always the answer. Sometimes talkin' helps."
"You think talkin' with the Governor is goin' to help us?" He asked, and I looked out at the field as we reached the fence.
"We probably shouldn't be out here alone." I half whispered, glancing at the dirt road leading up to the prison.
"You didn't answer my question." Carl said, and I looked at him, then down at my boots.
"Dunno, really. Time'll tell..." I trailed off as the distant sound of an engine drifted through my ears.
"That might be them." Carl began walking over to the gates.
"It better be, get ready to run for the prison, just in case... No, that's definitely Daryl's bike." I grinned, and Carl smiled. Carol came over as Daryl's bike pulled up, and she helped Carl and I open the gates. Rick's vehicle drove past, and I saw Sam in the back seat. Feeling relieved, I helped close the gates, before jogging over to the bike. He was climbing off of it, his face tired.
"Daryl." I breathed his name, throwing my arms around his neck. He hugged me back, before letting his arm fall to rest around me, his hand clutching my hip as we walked toward the others.
"Let's get inside." Rick ordered, and I glanced at Daryl questioningly. He said nothing, just held onto me as we walked inside the prison. Daryl leaned against the wall, his hand still on my hip, his arm around me. I leaned into him, watching as everyone filed into the room. Katherine caught my eye from where she was standing by the stairs, and she gave a small shake of the head, looking at Daryl in disgust.
"So, I met this Governor." Rick announced, and I ignored her, looking over at him. "Sat with him for quite a while."
"Just the two of ya?" Merle asked, and Rick nodded.
"Should've gone when we had the chance, bro." Merle muttered, brushing past Glenn and Maggie.
"He wants the prison." Rick said, and I looked over at Sam, who was standing beside Hershel. "He wants us gone. Dead.. He wants us dead. For what we did to Woodbury... We're goin' to war." And with that, he walked away. Feeling trapped and enclosed, I left Daryl's side, walking back out to the yard.
"Spencer?" Sam's voice made me stop, and I turned to look at him.
"What do we do now?" I asked, the air chilly around me. Despite having on a long sleeved shirt, I felt cold.
"Fight." Sam replied, walking over to me.
"You willin' to die for this place?" I asked, looking up at the prison.
"Willin' to die for these people." Sam said surely.
"Me, too." I sat down on the bench, watching the sun set in the sky.
"Everything's gonna be okay." Sam said, turning to walk away. "Always is." I said nothing, just sat on the bench, watching the colors of the sky change. The air grew colder as the sun set lower, and I began to shake, but I couldn't go inside. I couldn't look at that woman.
"Hey, girl." Daryl's voice was like music to my ears, and I felt his presence like a warm blanket. His arms wrapped around me from behind, and then he let me go. "You're shakin'."
"It's a little cold." I whispered, and before I could protest, he had his jacket off. That warm angel winged jacket vest that smelled just like him, was draped over my shoulders. It warmed me to the core, but I still tensed up when he sat beside me.
"You all right?" He asked, and I nodded.
"Fine." I said, trying to fake a smile.
"No you ain't.. Merle do somethin'?" Daryl asked, and I huffed out a laugh.
"Naw, we had a little talk, but he was good.. For the most part. It's... Her." I said the word "Her" through gritted teeth.
"Your mother?" He asked, and I looked over at him.
"She ain't my mother." I said harshly. "She's sick, disgustin'... Crazy bitch."
"Spence?" Dixon looked at me with questioning eyes.
"I... I was sittin' out here with Merle, and then he went inside, tried to tell me to come on in...but you know how I am.. She walks up, takes a seat beside me, starts goin' on about how everything that happened to me and Sam was our faults. How she liked the way my father treated her. She... She said Sam was more like her, but me... I-I'm more like him. Said my eyes, and the way I talk. Said she misses him.. And..." I couldn't get the words out.
"Wasn't either of y'alls fault, Spencer." Daryl put his arm around me, but I shrugged him off, scooting away.
"She said you'd leave me eventually, beat me, rape me.." I let out a little laugh. "What mother says that, Daryl? What mother tells her child that the man she loves, reminds her of her husband that beat her and tried to rape... Says it's my fault, calls me a whore. For dressin' in shorts and a spaghetti strap shirt... Just don't get it!"
"Don't shy 'way from me." Daryl said softly, though his voice gruff. "Ain't gonna leave you or hurt you. Never put my hands on you, unless I'm tryin' to grab you up in my arms. You ain't like your parents. Don't you think you scared the hell outta me? My father bein' a drunken bastard, beatin' me and Merle all our lives... Used to think, what if Imma be like that one day? But... You realize what you're gonna be is your choice. Don't let her get you thinkin' you're bad. Can't ever be bad." He leaned over, his arm draping over my shoulder, as he pressed a kiss on the side of my head.
I leaned into his lips, realizing that he was right. I needed that from him. "The Governor's gonna be comin' soon, ain't he?" I had to change the subject.
"Yea, I'm sure." Daryl pulled me closer, the night air nipping at our skin.
"We can't leave, gotta stay and fight." I said surely, watching the black envelope the sky.
"Ain't goin' nowhere." He said quietly, and I rested my head back against him.
"We're goin' to war.." I whispered, wishing that weren't true.
Okay so now things are going to go from bad to worse real quick. We all know what's coming, and we all know it ain't pretty. I hate what is going to happen in the next few chapters... IT SUCKS.
So I really wanna kill Katherine off. But then again, she's a nice pain in the ass villain to have on the inside of things. Sam knows she isn't the best mom, but she tries to play her cards right with Sam, to make him think she has changed. Even though he doesn't take her shit (like Spencer doesn't), he still doesn't think they should just kick her out of the group. Maybe that will change eventually...
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Thank you AGAIN and AGAIN for every READ/REVIEW/FAVORITE/FOLLOW ! Thank you to every single reader taking the time to read this story. And if you haven't read 'Torn', you might like it, too.
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~Kaila