A/N: Yes another update already! I have actually had this chapter mostly written for over a year. Sometimes I write into the future a lot. Anyways, enjoy... or something...
Austin lay on the ground and Lindsay rushed to her, stomach lurching at the blood that was already spreading. Mr. Addison was lying in the same place he had stood while Jess knelt over him, checking for vital signs and calling for an ambulance.
"Aust, you alright?" Lindsay asked, hoping it wasn't as bad as it looked.
"Fine. Fine," Austin said, breathing deeply. Upon further inspection Lindsay could see that there was blood nearly gushing from Austin's shoulder and she couldn't tell if the wound was just in her shoulder or if it was lower. Peeling her coat off, she balled it up and placed it under Austin's head, then used her hands to try and stop the blood flow. It gushed between her fingers and she knew that there was no way she was going to be able to slow it down, much less stop it. She couldn't even be sure that the bullet hadn't nicked her heart.
"Austin, you need to keep your eyes open for me."
"Can't."
"Yes you can. I've got you Aust, you're going to be okay."
The tone of her voice belied what she was saying and Austin started to breathe faster as the pain got more intense and the blood loss became more evident.
"Tell Danny… kids… I love them."
"Stop it. Don't talk like that."
"Make sure… okay."
"Austin you're just fine. Keep looking at me. Don't close your eyes."
She was trying, but it felt like she needed to sleep, like everything would be better if she could just close her eyes for a minute. Even a second would help.
"Austin don't you dare leave me," Lindsay said, not caring that she was crying or that her clothes were irrevocably stained with her best friend's blood. "You promised me you'd never leave. I'm not ready to let you go. Don't you dare. If you do this to me I will never forgive you."
"Love you."
"Austin, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me!"
Austin's eyes stayed closed and Lindsay's hands started to shake as she tried to think of what to do next. Jess had been frantically calling for a bus this entire time and there were sirens in the distance but they just weren't close enough.
"Come on, Austin. Please. I love you, you're okay, but you aren't ready to go yet. You're going to be fine, you need to wake up."
She repeated the words over and over again, checking Austin's pulse occasionally, finding it thready and weak.
"Linds, they're here," Jess said softly. "You need to let the paramedics take over."
"I can't leave her!"
"You're not leaving her," Jess assured, trying to pull her away to make room for the EMT's who couldn't do much with Lindsay in the way.
"No!"
She couldn't describe the feeling of desperation and protectiveness that surged through her and while she knew that the paramedics needed to take over, she couldn't help but feel almost guilty at moving away. She stayed on the ground at Austin's feet, watching as the paramedics worked frantically to stop the blood flow enough so they could transport her.
Back up had arrived by then, a few cops that Lindsay would have recognized if she'd been paying attention, but the EMT's were getting ready to move Austin into the back of the ambulance and she was afraid they weren't going to let her ride along. They rolled her onto a backboard and then onto a gurney and Lindsay stuck with them as they got into the ambulance. It was a long and bumpy ride to the hospital, but she wasn't really paying attention to that. Her hands were caked with blood and she'd wiped them off on her pants as best she could, then sat there holding Austin's hand, praying that the blood would stop flowing so heavily. She wasn't sure how much had been lost, but it felt like all of it, and as she watched the vital signs out of the corner of her eye, it became increasingly evident that they needed to get to the hospital very soon.
"Her pressure's dropping!"
Lindsay snapped to attention at that, glancing at the paramedic and feeling panic rise within her chest. They were too far away from the hospital, they would never get there in time, she was about to lose her best friend.
"Austin," she started, leaning down close to her ear, pushing the dark, matted curls away. "You need to hold on. Please. We can't be without you. We love you too much."
There was no response and Lindsay took a deep breath realizing that this could be the last time she could say anything to her best friend. It almost rendered her speechless, but she pushed through, knowing she had to say it.
"It's okay if you have to go, Austin. I'll take care of the kids and Danny. They'll know how much you love them. I won't fail you, I promise. I love you, I love you, I love you."
They were the most difficult words she'd ever had to speak but she knew if she didn't say them and the worst happened, she would never be able to help Danny or the kids.
It seemed like desperate years before they arrived at the hospital and the ambulance doors swung open, chaos and noise coming in. Before she could keep up, they were whisking Austin inside the hospital and Lindsay leapt out of the ambulance to follow. They shut her out of the trauma room and she stood at the door, adrenaline and fear surging through her as she watched the doctors work. Austin looked so helpless and Lindsay couldn't think of a time she'd ever looked helpless before.
"Lindsay?"
Tearing her eyes away from the door for a split second, she found Flack and Jess at her side.
"Her pressure dropped," she said softly, blinking a few times to make the images of blood go away. "I don't know anything else."
"Let's go get you cleaned up."
"No. I can't leave her."
"I'll stay right here," Flack said with a nod. "Go with Jess."
"I can't."
"Lindsay, you need to walk away for a second and take a breath."
"Okay."
She let herself be led away from the door and down the hallway to a small bathroom.
"I can't go in there."
"Lindsay, it's okay, we'll be right out."
"No, you don't understand."
"You're right, I don't. But right now you need to get cleaned up because if Danny gets here and sees you covered in blood he's going to freak out, and you don't need to keep looking at it."
She started to breathe heavily and slid down the wall feeling like she was going to pass out. Blood. Gunshot wound. Cold linoleum floor. It was too much, way too much.
"Lindsay, look at me and breathe."
"I'm… I'm… scared."
"I know. But she needs you to be strong right now, okay?"
"Okay."
They went into the bathroom and Lindsay washed her hands and face, finally looking down at the mess on her clothes. She wanted nothing more than to take these clothes off and burn them.
"Here. Austin left her trench coat in the back of my car, you could put it on until we can find you a change of clothes."
Lindsay nodded and slid into the coat, then led the way out of the bathroom and back down the hall. Her hands were shaky and it felt like her legs were going to give out beneath her but she knew she couldn't give in to that right now. There would be time to be scared later. She needed to be strong and clearheaded until everything was okay again.
"They took her up to surgery," Flack reported as they came back. His tone said there was more to the story but Lindsay wasn't in the right state of mind to notice. If they had taken Austin up to surgery then her blood pressure had stabilized at least a little, and the blood flow probably wasn't so bad. There were risks of course, but if the doctors had the confidence that she was stable enough for surgery, then that was a good sign.
Still though, the images haunted her, loud inside her head and she desperately wanted to go into a dark room and rock back and forth for a while, telling herself it would be okay.
"Did someone call Danny?"
"I did," Jess answered softly. "He's on his way. Come on, let's go upstairs. You need to sit down."
Lindsay nodded and the three of them got into the elevator, headed up to the fifth floor. She wanted to sit down so badly but she really couldn't right now, so she settled for leaning against the wall. In moments where everything was too much and her mind was getting the best of her, she usually wanted Adam to come and hold her and whisper to her and calm her down. But this time, all she wanted was her best friend. She needed the assurance that she would be okay, that life was not about to change so tragically.
"Linds, why don't you sit down and call Adam."
"Okay," she said softly, watching Flack pace across the floor. Austin may have been her best friend, but she was also Flack's partner and they'd lived a lot of their lives together. He was worried too.
She pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Adam. His voice nearly sent her to tears and she sucked in a deep breath before she spoke.
"Adam. I need you."
"I just heard. The kids are with the neighbor until Hannah gets here and I'm on my way right now."
"I'm…"
"I know. Just breathe, I'll be right there."
"Please hurry."
"Sweetie, this isn't the same. Austin's going to be just fine. So are you. It's okay."
"But what if-"
"No what if's, Lindsay. You don't get to think like that. You just hold on and make sure you're strong enough to see her when she wakes up."
"Okay."
"I love you. I'm stuck in traffic but I'll be there as soon as I can."
She hung up the phone and sat quietly until Danny came into the room, frantic, but not as bad as she had been.
"Have you heard anything yet?" he asked, trying to stay calm.
"Not yet. They just took her into surgery about twenty minutes ago."
Twenty minutes. Had it really been that long that they were sitting there? She stayed silent as Danny and Flack talked, watching them out of the corner of her eye and pulling the trench coat tighter around her. There was something in the pocket and she reached in to see what it was. Austin's keys. The horseshoe keychain that she'd bestowed on her best friend so many, many birthdays ago was still hanging there, roughed up from the years, but still with the same intent behind it.
Oh Austin, you would forgo the vest and forget the keychain on the same day, wouldn't you?
She could almost see the smirk Austin would give her for that comment and she ran her hands over the cool metal, feeling like this was the deepest connection she could forge at the moment. A set of keys, something so personal, something no one else in the world could ever have exactly the same. She looked them all over carefully, counting house keys, car keys, miscellaneous keys that were probably old, and some that had maybe just been found and collected, pleasing to her eye and important at the time she'd joined them up with her collection. She let her mind wonder about them, but the more she wondered, the more she wanted to ask, and the more her heart pounded in her ears with the thought that she may not ever get to.
The door to the waiting room opened and they all snapped to attention, none of them realizing just how long they'd been sitting there. She listened more to the tone of voice than the actual words, not because she couldn't concentrate, but because she was so afraid of what she might hear that she needed to steel herself against it.
She watched the reaction, sighs of relief it seemed, after the doctor left the room. It wasn't bad at least, and she could feel her body relax just a little while Danny crossed the room and tipped her chin up. He couldn't go and care for his wife at the moment, but he could channel some of that into making sure Lindsay was alright. He knew how hard this had to have hit her and as his initial fear and shock wore off, he was able to see that hers hadn't.
"Montana, you breathin'?"
His voice was different than she had ever heard it, as if he was barely hanging onto sanity. She nodded and he stared deep into her eyes for a moment, wanting her to tell him what was going on in her head.
"She's going to be fine, Linds. Her pressure is back to normal, the bullet didn't hit anything that can't be fixed. She'll probably have to be in a sling, but that's her own fault."
Lindsay gave him the barest of smiles and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"You going to be okay?"
"Yeah."
"Swear?"
"Yes."
He hugged her tightly and she wanted to let go of the fear and pain and just cry it out, but she couldn't make herself do it. She felt like holding it in was akin to holding vigil, and she needed to keep doing that until it was all over.
The door opened again and Adam came in, immediately asking how Austin was before he crossed the room and pulled Lindsay into his arms. She went limp against him and closed her eyes, letting it sink in that Austin was going to be just fine.
Adam finally convinced her to go home and get cleaned up, and as she hadn't seen Austin yet, she'd been refusing for over an hour. Eventually she got tired of arguing, tired of looking down and seeing blood on her clothes, tired of sitting there and doing nothing.
The hot water poured over her and swirled down the drain and for a moment she was reminded of that first shower in the hospital after the girls had died. She remembered the dull sound of the water, pelting her like small white hot bullets. She remembered the sight of the pink tinged water circling down the drain, the sight of her painted toenails, seemingly so silly in light of what had just happened.
Now it wasn't much different, though the pain of loss wasn't thrumming within her chest this time. She still harbored fear, she still shook with adrenaline and when she closed her eyes, everything was still red, red, red. Her vision shifted, focusing in closer while everything further than an arms reach became blurry. It was almost as if she was a mime in a box, unable to see beyond or to interact with anything outside the box. She recognized the feeling well and as desperately as she rejected it, she felt a slight comfort in it, for it was well known.
"Babe, you okay in there?"
"Yeah, almost done."
"Danny just called. Austin's awake."
"Okay."
She could tell he hadn't moved away from the door, was standing there waiting for her, worrying about her, so she shut the water off and stepped out of the shower, toweling herself off before sliding into the robe she'd brought in with her and opening the door. Adam tried to act like he wasn't waiting for her, but she wasn't fooled as he held his hand out to her. She took it and they stood there for a moment watching each other before he tugged on her hand and led her upstairs.
"You need something warm to wear," he said, opening the closet while she sat down on the bed. "Do you trust me to pick something out?"
She nodded and he rifled through her side of the closet, making disapproving clucks as he tried to put outfits together. It would have been amusing if she was in the mood to be amused. He finally picked out a light gray turtleneck and a navy blue thermal cardigan, an outfit he always liked her in. It took him longer to find pants, but he soon settled for a pair of dark wash jeans and handed them to her, then grabbed some underthings out of the drawer. She sat for a moment, staring at the cloth in her hands before pulling it all on. Adam watched her as she moved, not to see her bare, but because he needed to read her movements and make sure she was okay. He could feel her slipping back into the past, he knew what the memories could do to her and he was worried that even though their reality was okay now, tonight when she closed her eyes, the terrors of the past would come flooding back. He couldn't feel what she felt, but the darkest of the thoughts he wanted to head off at the pass.
"Honey, come here," he said after a moment. She stood up and walked to him, resting against him as he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Sweetie, I want you to remember that this isn't then. I know it's hard to stop thinking about it, but Austin is just fine, she's safe, and nothing is going to get her. All of us are safe."
"I always worry about it. I don't know if it's something I can ever learn to not think about."
"I have no answer for that babe. I don't know if it's wrong for you to think about it or if it's something you need to work through. All I know is that right now it's not happening."
She closed her eyes and kept close to him for a moment, the beating of his heart slowing down the racing of her own.
"I need to go see her."
"I know. I'll take you as soon as Danny says you can see her."
"Can you hold my hand really, really tight?"
He nodded and dropped a kiss to her forehead.
"It's going to be okay. She probably needs to see you as much as you need to see her."
"Can we go now? Even if we just wait at the hospital?"
"Yeah, let's get out of here."
The sun had already set when they got in the car, and the drive to the hospital took a lot less time than it had taken him earlier in the day. He held her hand all the way there, knowing how hard it was going to be to see Austin like this.
"You call me when you're ready to come home and we'll come get you."
"Okay."
"She'll be okay, hon. Give her a hug for me."
"I will. Love you."
"Love you too."
She got out of the car and went into the hospital, checking her phone for the room number Danny had sent her, then stepping onto the elevator and hitting the button for the appropriate floor.
She had to keep reminding herself that this wasn't at all the same. This time she wasn't going to a grave site to say goodbye, she was going to a hospital room and saying hello. Quietly she opened the door and poked her head inside, finding Austin in bed, looking disheveled and exhausted, and Danny sitting next to her, holding her hand.
"Hey, Montana," Danny said softly, waving her in.
"Hi. How is she?"
"Tired. You want to sit with her for a bit? I need to call my mom and check on the kids."
"Yeah, of course."
He kissed his wife's hand then stood up, leaving the chair for Lindsay. She crossed the room to take it but he stopped her partway there hugging her tightly for just a second.
"I'm glad you were there for her."
She nodded and he let her go, stepping out of the room so they could have a few minutes.
"Hey Lin," Austin greeted, her voice croaky.
"Hey Goose," Lindsay replied softly, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore and tired."
"Did you at least get some good drugs?"
"Oh yeah, me and Sylvester are great buds."
"It makes me feel better that you've named your I.V. stand."
"What, were you worried about me?"
Lindsay's gaze dropped to the bed sheets and she took a deep breath before she spoke.
"No, not at all."
"I'm okay, Lin."
"I know. But it wasn't very long ago that you weren't."
Austin was quiet as she reached over and took Lindsay's hand.
"I wish you hadn't been there," she said. "I know how hard that was for you."
"It doesn't matter how hard it was, Austin. I would have hated to have been anywhere else."
"I was scared."
"I know. You started to talk like you weren't going to make it."
"I did? I don't remember."
"I didn't think you would."
They sat quietly for a few minutes and Lindsay could tell that Austin was drifting in and out of sleep. There was something about sitting there in the silence that seemed to calm her and she ran her free hand gently up and down Austin's arm.
"Are you cold?" she asked, suddenly needing something to do.
"Yeah."
Lindsay stood up and retrieved the extra blanket off the end of the bed, tucking it around Austin and being careful to avoid her bad arm and shoulder.
"Thanks Lin."
"You're welcome. Can I do anything else?"
"Just stay for a bit."
"Alright."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, don't worry about me, Austin. I'm fine."
"Okay."
"Do you know how much I love you?"
Austin gave a sleepy smile and nodded.
"Love you too Lin."
"Get some sleep, okay?"
"Can you check on the kids later?"
"Danny's mom is with them."
"I know. I just need you to check. Isa will need you."
"I'll make sure to see them before they go to bed."
"Thank you."
"Go to sleep, Austin. I'll stay until Danny gets back."
"Thank you."
"Oh Lindsay, I'm so glad you're here," Grace Messer breathed, wringing her hands. "I don't know what to tell the kids. Sarah won't stop crying. I think they need you."
"Where's Isa?"
"In her room. She shut the door, wasn't even going to eat until Daniel begged her to."
"I'll start with him, see if I can get him to go to sleep."
"Thank you. How's Austin?"
"Out of the woods. It's going to be a hard recovery. The second bullet… they had to repair her heart. I don't know how long it's going to be before she's up and around. She'll be in the hospital for a while."
"What can I do?"
"Just be here with the kids so she doesn't have to worry."
Grace nodded and took a deep breath, sinking back into the couch to silently worry about her daughter-in-law while Lindsay made her way to Junior's bedroom. She smiled at the toys on the floor and the distinct boy smell that permeated everything.
"Hey guy."
"Aunt Lin!"
He jumped out of bed and stumbled across the room to hug her, burying his face in her stomach.
"How's my ma?" he asked after a moment, when she lifted him up into her arms.
"She's just fine. Sassy as ever. It's going to be a while before she's up and running and she's really tired but she's just fine."
"Will she have cool scars?"
"Probably."
"That's okay then."
"She wanted to give you a big fat kiss but I guess I'll have to do it for her."
He laughed as she peppered his face with kisses, breathing him in and holding him close.
"Could you tuck me in like my ma does?" he asked, keeping his arms around her neck.
"I can try. What's first?"
"Well first you tuck me in real tight like a straight jacket," he started, sliding down from her arms. "Then you kiss me and tell me you love me more'n a grass stained Yanks jersey. And then you kiss me again and turn out the light. How do you tuck in Ben?"
"Usually I hug and kiss him and he holds my hand and we talk for a few minutes before he goes to sleep."
"That's good, but can we try my ma's way first?"
She smiled and obeyed his instructions, giving him a few extra hugs and kisses before turning off the light.
"I love you guy. Get some rest."
She closed his door most of the way and crept into Sarah's room, finding it neat as a pin with its owner crying against the lacy pillows on the bed.
"Oh Sarahlove, it's okay," she started, pulling the little girl into her arms.
"But she's hurt, auntie."
"Yes, she's hurt but she's doing alright. I just left there and she's sleeping and she doesn't have any pain. She's holding your daddy's hand and she's just fine."
"Are you telling me the truth?"
"Yes I am. Your ma is okay, Sarah. It's going to take her some time to get back to normal, but she'll get there."
"I just cannot stop crying."
"I know, it's really hard to catch your breath and you can't stop thinking about it."
"I really wish Averylin was here. A girl needs her best friend at a time like this."
"I totally agree."
"Could you rock me please? I just need to feel safe and calm."
They moved over to the rocking chair which had stood in the same place since the height of Sarah's baby doll days and Lindsay rocked back and forth for a few minutes, humming softly.
"I'm getting too big for your lap," Sarah whispered, tugging lightly on Lindsay's locket and flipping it open to look at the pictures inside, something all six kids seemed to do when they needed a little comfort.
"Never. We'll always fit you in. Just like Tetris."
"I love you."
"I love you too Sarah."
"When can we see my ma?"
"Maybe in a couple days? I don't know for sure. The doctor will tell us all more in the morning."
"If ma was not okay, you would tell me, right?"
"I will always tell you the truth, Sarah Claire."
"You won't let anyone know that I needed my baby blanket and stuff, right?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Could I see Averylin soon?"
"Probably tomorrow. Go to sleep honey."
"I just need one of her hugs," she explained on a yawn. "Makes me feel good inside."
"Me too."
"You love my ma the same way I love Averylin, right?"
"Yeah."
"If Averylin was hurt I would cry so much. She listens to all my secrets and she cheers me up when my feelings get hurt. If I didn't have Averylin it wouldn't be the same. Is that how you feel about my ma?"
"Yeah. I don't know what I would do without her."
"It's good that you don't have to try and figure that out."
"I agree."
They rocked in the chair for a while longer before Sarah's mumblings finally petered out and Lindsay tucked her in. Making sure the window was locked and the nightlight was on, she stepped out of the room, finding Isa in the hallway, her face puffy and red.
"I heard you talking to Sarah. I need you. Indy, I know I'm kind of too old but… could you maybe give me a cuddle for just a few minutes?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I would just feel better if… just a few minutes?"
Lindsay nodded and followed Isa into her messy bedroom. Kicking clothes out of the way they both stretched out on the bed and Isa snuggled beneath the blankets with a yawn.
"Indy?"
"Yeah?"
"If my ma died today, would she know that I love her?"
"Isa, don't think like that."
"Would she?"
"Yes, she would. She will always know."
"Even if me and her had a fight this morning?"
"Even then."
"Okay. I just want her to know. I get afraid sometimes when she's at work. I'm afraid that she'll get hurt or die."
Lindsay was quiet, knowing that it was a real possibility, because she'd worried about it herself. There was nothing honest to say that could make Isa feel better, so she didn't say anything at all.
"Daddy said that you were there when my ma got shot."
"Yeah, I was."
"Where did she get shot? How many times?"
"Two times. In the shoulder. It damaged her heart a little but they already took care of that."
"Were you scared?"
"Yeah. I was really, really scared."
"Are you scared now?"
"No. She's fine, my girl. You have nothing to worry about and neither do I."
"Okay. Can you stay here until I fall asleep?"
"Sure sweetie."
Isa smiled and reached up to touch Lindsay's hair, the same way she did with her mom.
"I love you Indy."
"I love you too Isa."
They lay quietly together for several minutes until Isa's breathing evened and she fell asleep. Lindsay couldn't hold it in any longer and she wrapped her arms tighter around the young girl and finally let the tears fall, almost silent as she purged all the fear and worry out of her system. She couldn't make this like last time. Austin needed her to be strong, and strong she would be. She was not going to have nightmares, she was not going to flashback, and she was not going to see blood in places where there wasn't any. Austin was going to have a long recovery but she would make it through and everything would be fine. What happened in the ambulance would never happen again, what happened in the alley would soon just be the story of another scar, and what had happened in the diner had absolutely no bearing on today.