"Austin don't you do this to me!"

"She's bleeding out."

"Please don't make me do this again!"

"Lost a pulse."

"Austin I can't lose you. Please don't go!"

"Starting compressions."

"Don't you dare do this! The kids need you Austin. You have to fight. You have to fight harder than you ever have."

"Charge to 200. Clear!"

"You don't get to go first."

"250. Clear!"

"You promised me!"

"300. Clear!"

"Please, please. We can't lose you. You'll miss so much."

"300 again. Clear!"

"Please don't go."

"350. Clear!"

"I love you. Don't leave me here Austin."

"She's lost too much blood, we're shredding her heart."

"Austin."

"She's gone."

Lindsay shot straight up in bed, breath screeching back into her lungs as she tried to get her bearings. She didn't know for certain if she'd dreamt a memory or a terror and she tried to scramble out of the blankets, but felt two strong hands pulling her back.

"Babe, it's okay. She's fine."

"Nightmare."

"I know. Austin's fine, babe. She's stable and probably sleeping right now."

"But… I just…"

"Danny's with her."

"I need to go. I have to make sure."

"Linds-"

"I need to, Adam. I can't just sit here."

He sighed and sat up, keeping his hands on her shoulders so she wouldn't suddenly leap off the bed like she normally did when a nightmare made her doubt reality. He pulled her gently back towards him, running his hands up and down her arms while the last shivers from the nightmare wore off.

"Lindsay, I know you're worried and I know this was horrible. But right now you have to remember that any kind of stress is going to be ten times worse for her. You two always feed off of each other's emotions and she can't have that right now."

"I know."

"I understand why you want and need to run down there right now and check on her but you can't."

She pulled in a deep breath and he settled them back against the pillows, tucking her hair behind her ear and gauging how warm she was. Often her nightmares sent her into a fever, especially when she'd recently been sick. She seemed okay for now and he tugged the blankets up a little, more for safety than warmth.

"Babe, why don't you talk it out? Just let me in."

She was quiet for a while, skittering her fingers across the back of his hand and trying to control herself enough that she could speak.

"I watched her dying, Adam. I can't get that out of my head. I watched as her heart and breathing stopped, I watched them shock her back. I watched her entire body seize up and slam back down on that gurney three times in a row and I didn't think they would ever get her back. I need to see her well so I can get all that out of my head."

"I get that, sweetie. After Colton was born and you lost all that blood, even for weeks after I would have moments of panic that something was going to happen."

"But?"

"But nothing. I completely understand your fear."

"I know that she's alright, she's stable, she's patched up and nothing is going to happen. But I can't stop the thoughts."

"It's hard. Eventually you won't worry anymore but this little while that she's in the hospital is going to be hard. Once she's home it will be easier."

"Okay."

"You're not going to go back to sleep, are you?"

"Probably not."

"I'll sit up with you."

"No, you need sleep."

"So do you. Lay down, we'll get you so comfortable that you can't help but get some shut-eye."

"Can't I please just go to the hospital and… please?"

"They're not going to let you in."

"I don't care. I'll stand outside her room and look through the window. I just need to see her, okay?"

He sighed and nodded, knowing that he couldn't argue with her about this and expect to win. She was going, it was just a matter of keeping her here until a better hour or letting her go now for a while and come back in time to get some sleep.

"Just don't stay too long okay?"

She nodded and stood from the bed, changing clothes in the dark while he lay in bed, wishing he could figure out how to make this a little easier.

"I'll be back in an hour," she promised, leaning over to kiss him.

"Drive safe. And please don't get upset if they won't let you in."

"I won't."

He tugged on her hand and pulled her back to the bed, wrapping his arms tightly around her and holding her for a long time.

"I'm sorry this happened, babe. But I'm going to be here to help you through all of it, alright?"

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

No one ever spoke of what happened after the tragedy was past. Not a word was spoken about the immediate after effects, no one prepared you for getting through the next few days when the terror was still so close, yet so far. Lindsay stood in the doorway of the hospital room, wondering why there had been no warning about how horrible it felt to see her best friend laying in a bed, IV lines and a nasal cannula as new accessories.

She stepped carefully into the room not wanting to wake Danny who was asleep in one of the chairs. Slowly she sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Austin's hand in hers and threading their fingers together.

"I thought I lost you. I can't even say it really. I love you and I need you to be okay. Besides, you won that bet earlier, I have to pay you back."

Austin continued to sleep and Lindsay sighed, not sure what to do with herself. She couldn't believe that in the space of six months Adam had lost his mother and she'd almost lost her best friend. The realization made her breath hitch in her throat as tears slid down her cheeks, landing somewhere on the bed. She couldn't lose it here, not in a public place and not where it may wake someone. She took a deep breath and instead concentrated on the monitors that Austin was hooked up to. Neon lines and quiet blips belied what had almost happened, insuring instead that it had not.

"Linds?"

"Hey."

"Are you a drug induced mirage?"

"No," Lindsay chuckled, giving Austin's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm really here. Did I wake you?"

"I don't know. I hurt."

"Want me to get a nurse?"

"No. Jus' hold my hand."

"You got it, dude."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"You sound terrible."

"So do you."

"I got shot," Austin said with a wry grin. "What's your excuse?"

"You got shot."

"Fair enough. You havin' nightmares? Is that why you're here at what I can guess is about 2 in the morning?"

"Your internal clock appears undamaged. And yes. Snuck past the nurse."

"Atta girl."

They regarded each other for a moment in the darkness, years of friendship negating the need for actually seeing each other. Austin let out a grunt of pain after a moment and Lindsay leaned closer, using her free hand to brush Austin's curls back.

"You okay?"

"Could you hit the nurse button?"

Lindsay nodded and found the device, hitting the button once and giving Austin's hand a squeeze.

"Just a few minutes."

"Lin?"

"Hmm?"

"How bad was it?"

"We'll talk about it later."

"That bad, huh?"

"Later, Aust."

Austin was going to protest but the nurse came in, seeing Lindsay but not saying anything as she flipped on the dim light over the bed to check the chart.

"Pain huh? I'll have to check and see if we can up your dosage. How's the pain on the 1-10 scale?"

"About a seven. The incisions are bad but my chest hurts worse."

Lindsay grimaced; the chest pain was probably from the CPR and defibrillation.

"More ice-chips and a wet cloth on the order as well. Anything else I can do for you sweetie?"

"No thanks."

"Alright. I'll be back in a bit."

She shuffled silently out of the room and Austin shifted in the bed, awake enough from the pain now that she wanted to sit up and move around a little, maybe try to take a few deep breaths.

"How are the kids?" she asked finally, when moving proved to be nearly impossible.

"They're alright. Junior is mostly concerned that your scars will look cool. Sarah is more worried but I think I got her calmed down."

"And Isabeth?"

"I laid in bed with her for a while and she fell asleep but she kept waking up and asking me why she couldn't see you. I think she needs to come visit and see how bad it is but that you're okay. She's terrified that something's going to happen still."

"They won't let her in here."

"They might. I'll sneak her if I have to. She really needs to see you."

"Alright."

The nurse returned and changed the IV bag, then delivered the ice chips and wet rag before leaving.

"I'd better let you get some sleep."

"Please don't leave yet. Wait until I succumb to the miracles of modern chemistry?"

"I think you already have."

Austin chuckled and yawned, then groaned at the pain it caused her.

"Tell me something good. But don't make me laugh too much."

"Something good. Hmm. Well the kids made get well cards for you. Colton wrote a bunch in his but wouldn't let anyone read it. Ben drew you pictures of coffee and baseball, and Avery found my chocolate and used it to color the entire front of the card. When Adam asked her why she said "If her cannot eat chocolate in the hospital, she can smell it and feel happy all the same." I figure I can sacrifice some chocolate for that."

"I can't wait to get those cards."

"I'll bring them by in the morning."

"Hey, what happened with Addison?"

"He's dead."

"Sophie?"

"She's going to be fine. We've got her set up with a counselor and some job programs and other things to get her on her feet. I think the problem is that she's never been away from home. He pulled her out of school when she was ten. There had to be abuse before then. I think he broke her like you said. I don't know what's going to happen."

Austin nodded, drifting slowly in and out of sleep, not catching the entire explanation, but enough that she would remember in the morning.

"Hey Aust, I'm going to go. I want you to get some sleep, alright?"

"M'kay."

"I love you Goose."

"I love you too Linny."

Lindsay smiled and gave Austin's hand another squeeze before slipping out of the room, feet almost silent on the floor.

"I feel little."

Lindsay looked down at Isa quizzically while they stepped through the hospital doors later that day.

"What do you mean honey?"

"I feel little. I don't know why, I just do."

They stepped into the elevator and Lindsay crouched down to look Isa in the eye.

"Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"You want me to tell you what you're going to see?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. There's a few tubes that are running into her arm giving her some pain medicine. They don't hurt her though. She might still have oxygen too, but maybe not."

"Is there blood?"

"None that you can see. It's hard for her to sit up and she might not be able to hug you, even if she wants to."

"Can I hug her?"

"Yes, if you're very careful."

"So basically all I can do is sit there?"

"You can talk to her, honey. She's probably not sleeping but she's tired."

"I don't know if I want to see her all hurt."

"I won't lie to you, Isa. It's not easy to see. But we have to be brave because seeing people she loves makes her better."

"Okay. I'm ready."

Lindsay gave her a hug and they stepped off the elevator, finding Danny coming down the hall with a cup of coffee.

"Daddy!"

He set the cup on a chair and caught her in his arms, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"Hey baby, you're just in time. Your ma's gettin' restless."

"She wants to see me?"

"Of course. Come on, I'll get you settled and you two can have some time."

They disappeared into the hospital room and Lindsay sat in one of the chairs across the hall, yawning and rubbing at her eyes. Returning home in the wee hours of the morning, she'd curled up on the couch and fallen into a fitful sleep; no nightmares, but lots of waking up. Once the sun rose she'd called it a wash and went into the kitchen, preparing a big breakfast because having something to do made her feel better.

"Aren't you going to drink that?"

She looked up at Danny confusedly as he gestured the coffee he'd put down a few minutes before.

"Huh?"

"I got that for you. Figured you might need it."

"Oh. Thanks."

She took the Styrofoam in her hands and he sat down next to her, elbows on his knees.

"You alright, Danny?"

He nodded and she reached over to squeeze his shoulder, wishing she knew what to say.

"How do I tell her I want her to stop?"

"Hmm?"

"How do I tell Austin that I don't want her doing this job anymore?"

"You tell her and then… you take cover."

"Linds, I need legitimate advice here."

"I'm giving you legitimate advice, Danny. You and I both know that you cannot tell her to do or not do something. You can tell her what you're worried about and you can tell her what you would like her to do but you cannot tell her to actually do it. She has to get there herself."

"I know that. I'm just afraid that it's going to take another incident like this for her to get there."

"I am too. And it's my first instinct to say that we should double team her on this but Danny, she's going to be out for a while, maybe long enough that she's going to start questioning this herself."

"Maybe."

"I'm worried too."

He sighed and sat back in his chair, rubbing at his eyes.

"Here, drink the rest," she offered, handing him the coffee cup. "I think you need it as bad as I do."

"It's cold now."

"It still works."

He nodded and drained the rest of the cup then crushed it in his hands while Lindsay studied the way he sat, wondering what she could do to help him.

"Hey Danny, you want us to take the kids tonight? Let you get some real sleep?"

"Nah, they need to be at home."

"Okay. Then do you want me to bring you dinner? You can't feed the kids pizza every night of the week. I'll just double what I'm making."

"Nah, it's not a big deal."

"Daniel Messer."

"Okay, fine. And maybe if the kids want to stay with you that would be alright."

"Don't say we're a family then get all upset when we all act like it."

He chuckled and shook his head, glancing up at the door across the hall.

"This is hard."

"I know."

"There's been a lot of times I thought I might lose her. Times we broke up and I worried I'd never see her again. I don't really… this time seems different."

"She's fine, Danny."

"I know that. I'm just going to be freaked out for a while."

"That's normal."

The door opened and Isa poked her head out, a smile across her face.

"Indy, come in. Ma wants to talk to you."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Probably," Isa teased. "But I don't think that's what she wants to talk to you about."

Lindsay chuckled and stood up, following Isa into the room. Austin was sitting up now, had a little more color in her cheeks and besides the fact that she wasn't really moving, she looked almost back to normal.

"Hey Goose. You summoned?"

Austin gave her a half grin and yawned.

"I have a favor to ask you."

"Ask away."

"I promised the girls last week that I would take them to get their ears pierced today after school. And now… I don't think I can take this entire bed up the escalator at the mall."

"And I told her that Sarah and I can wait because we're not preschoolers but she said that she promised and you know how stubborn she is, Indy."

"Yes, I know."

"Could you take them for me? I don't want to make them wait anymore and Danny gets queasy about that kind of stuff."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just take pictures."

"Austin."

"If you don't want to that's okay."

"No, I want to and I will… but I feel bad that you're missing it."

"I do too."

"The girls can wait."

"No. I promised."

"Okay."

Lindsay sighed and gave Austin's foot a squeeze.

"I'll send you pictures."

"Thanks Lin."

As Isa said goodbye, Lindsay read Austin's body language and the look in her eyes. They weren't going to have to wait long for her to admit that maybe it was time for a change. Austin wasn't going to let herself miss any more.

"They're all so pretty. I don't know which one I want."

Sarah ran her fingers over the plastic case nervously and stepped a little closer to Lindsay.

"Which ones do you like, auntie?"

"I don't know. I think you should get something small. Less likely to get snagged on stuff."

"Hey Sarah, we could get matching ones," Isa suggested, pointing at the plain silver bobs.

"Oh, those are nice. What do you think, Averylin?"

Avery shrugged and looked at the bracelets. She'd been excited to come along to the mall but her interest was slowly waning.

"They are nice."

"It's too bad that you are not getting your ears pierced."

"No it is not," Avery countered. "I don't want them. Mama does not wear her earrings."

"Oh. Well maybe you could get some clip-on ones."

"No thank you, Sarah. I am going to look over here at something else."

She wandered to the other side of the small shop and Sarah sighed, turning back to the display case and choosing her earrings.

"Isa, will you go first?"

"Sure. Indy, does this hurt?"

"Well, it's been a long time since I had mine done," Lindsay chuckled, keeping one eye on Avery. "I don't really remember it. I do remember an ill-fated belly button piercing one time when I was 17 and… uh… well…"

"Drunk?" Isa asked with a smile.

"Yes. It was crooked and infected and I didn't even want it once I wasn't drunk anymore but I kept it for a long time to remind me what stupid decisions I could make when I was irresponsible."

"So this is a lesson for us too?"

"Yes. Don't ever get drunk."

Sarah giggled uncomfortably.

"Daddy's beer smells really bad. I don't think I will ever want to drink it."

"Okay, are you girls ready?"

Isa nodded and hopped into the chair, indicating the earrings she wanted in the case.

"Want me to hold your hand?" Lindsay asked, only half teasing.

"Uh, maybe."

Lindsay stood next to the chair and held Isa's hand while Avery peeked around the corner curiously, jumping when the earring gun popped.

"Did that hurt, Isa?"

"Not too bad. Ready Sarah?"

Sarah took a deep breath and climbed into the chair. She really wished she could have her ma there with her. She'd feel a little better about this whole thing, but she couldn't back out now either. She needed to be brave and once this was over she would feel better and have pretty earrings to show off to the girls in her class.

"Sweetheart, do you want us to do them at the same time?"

"Yes please."

Avery closed her eyes and held her breath, waiting for the pop this time but instead hearing Sarah's yelp of pain. Despite their recent and long-lasting friendship distance Avery hopped to attention and ran across the store stopping at Sarah's side and clutching her hand.

"Sarah, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Averylin."

"Does it hurt?"

"No, it's okay," she said, sliding down from the chair.

Sniffling, Avery pulled Sarah into a hug, crying softly.

"Averylin what's the matter?"

"I do not want you to be hurt! Oh mine Sarah I have missed you so most! Please can we be best friends again?"

Sarah nodded and crouched down to hug Avery back, holding back her own tears.

"I love you, Averylin. We will always be best friends, I promise."

"Okay Sarah."

"I'm sorry that I play different things than you do now. Maybe if we work together we can come up with things that we both like to do. I will try to do much better at being your friend Averylin."

"Me too. I am glad we are back together. And your ears are most beautiful and sparkly."

"Thanks!"

They held hands and waited patiently at the door while Lindsay paid and gathered all the girls supplies, before they all headed out into the mall. Avery and Sarah skipped ahead just a little bit, both full of chatter and giggles, as if they'd never been apart.

"Hey Indy?" Isa started, tucking herself under Lindsay's arm. "Thanks for taking us here and making this day not quite so horrible. I don't like to think about ma in the hospital."

"I don't either."

"When we get back to your house, could you distract the other kids so I can sneak into your room and have a good cry? I think I just need a few minutes. Let all the stress out."

"Of course, honey."

"I'm glad that if something happened to my ma, you would be there to help daddy take care of us. I know that ma is glad for that too."

"Well she and I promised each other that a long time ago."

"Thanks for making sure that us kids are always taken care of."

"That's what family is for."

Isa nodded and played with the zipper on her coat thoughtfully. This morning she had been so worried and upset and scared and while some of that still remained, she was feeling steadier and more at peace. Seeing her ma and knowing the truth of what had happened went a long way to assuage her fears, and she felt like getting a glimpse of that had made her freer to voice how she felt about everything. When it came down to it, maybe life wasn't so scary after all.