"So what, are you knocked up again?" Austin asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Well…"
"It all fits. You've been cranky and tired, you're eating a ton and I caught you looking at baby clothes today, don't even tell me you weren't."
"I'm not pregnant," Lindsay sighed, shaking her head. "Good guess though."
"Well then what?"
"We're going to have a baby," Adam started.
"Not a baby. A small human… we didn't practice this. Let's start at the beginning."
"Or the middle?" Adam suggested.
"Or how 'bout you just spit it out?" Austin said, unable to keep up with them and getting frustrated with not knowing.
"Okay, um… we're going to need… well see, we have to go…" Lindsay started, suffering from the problem Adam usually suffered from. "This isn't working."
"C'mon guys, is this somethin' bad?"
"No, it's not bad," Adam assured with a shake of his head. "You guys probably know that we've thought about adoption in the past. Timing never seemed right."
"Seems right now?"
"Yeah. We officially started the process about two months ago."
"Well that's good right? Why do you guys look like it's not good?"
"It's going to be a really long process. I'm not actually sure how it happened, but we found a little girl in Eastern Europe who needs a family before her next birthday. She has Down Syndrome, and in a lot of places, kids with any kind of medical condition will be sent from their orphanages to mental institutions when they reach a certain age. She has to be formally declared before her fifth birthday or she'll be unadoptable."
"The problem is that being in another country, there's about a million hoops to jump through, not to mention the cost. It can take a whole year, often longer than that to get everything in order and have the adoption completed."
"That's why I've been tired and cranky and eating everything in sight; I've been stressed out," Lindsay explained. "There's so much we had to get together, the kids birth certificates, our marriage license, a copy of the deed to the house, copy of the mortgage contract, background checks, a letter from the insurance company stating that we can add another child to our health care plan, proof of income, all sorts of things that took forever to track down and get notarized. Yesterday we finally had it all together and it was sent over to her country. Now we wait while it's translated. If anything gets messed up in the translation, if even one word is off, it gets sent back and we have to get it corrected. It could take months. Even after it's all done there's still a lot to do, a lot of waiting. We could be denied adoption approval, they could want more paperwork. We could make it all the way over there and have the judge tell us no. It's just really up in the air and there's a lot of big deadlines."
"No wonder you're stressed."
"It's a good thing and we're excited but we have to be realistic about the fact that it might not happen. And right now while we wait, that's all that either one of us can think about."
"What can we do?" Austin asked, head swimming with all the information.
"Right now, nothing. We just have to wait. Eventually we're going to have to make a trip or two over there and we'll need you guys to take the kids for a week or so."
"This sounds expensive," Danny remarked, already thinking about finding the checkbook. "You guys got a handle on that?"
"She had a lot of money in a donation based grant and that's helping out with most of it. We had some saved up and we'll be able to pay for the rest over time."
"Is she healthy, being taken care of?"
"No," Lindsay said softly, shaking her head and looking down at her hands. "The orphanage doesn't have a lot of resources and the culture doesn't really value the life of a lot of those kids. We take everything that they tell us with a grain of salt. We know for sure that she can't walk, can't talk, doesn't sit up well on her own."
"And she's four?" Austin asked, stunned. She'd never known a four year old to be so neglected that they weren't capable of the basic physical milestones of a one year old. Sure, there were some ailments and other conditions that could contribute, but she'd never known Down Syndrome to have limitations in that way.
"It's not entirely uncommon in a lot of places. It's going to take a lot of work to get her healthy and strong again. She may never do any of those things and she might never live on her own. And that's okay."
"How do the kids feel about it?"
"Varying stages of excitement. Ben's going to take some convincing."
"Only because he doesn't want to give up any time with his mama."
"That's probably true. We'll just keep talking about it, make sure they know that it's okay to be concerned."
"Do you have a picture?"
Lindsay nodded and stood up, crossing the room to pull a small framed picture off of the desk, handing it to Austin who wasn't really prepared for what she saw.
A tiny girl lay in a crib, eyes half closed, blonde hair short and patchy. She was wearing pajamas which were dirty, and looked to be swimming in them, severely malnourished. Her hands were red, nose runny, tongue peeking out between full pink lips. There were small scratches on her cheeks and Austin felt her heart plunge as she realized part of the reason the small girl hadn't achieved any gross motor skills.
"She's drugged isn't she?"
"We think so. They probably think it's better for the kids to just sleep."
"How long do you think until you bring her home?"
"Realistically no earlier than this fall. It could be a year and a half. We're doing everything as fast as we can, but it's going to be a lot of waiting."
"We'll be here waiting with you."
They talked for a while longer, until the guys became aware of the emotions in the discussion and got up to wrangle the kids into helping prepare dessert.
"Lin, how are you even doing this?" Austin asked, still holding the picture and switching couches to sit next to her best friend.
"What do you mean?"
"How do you get through the day knowing your daughter is there and you're here and there's nothing you can do?"
"Spend a lot of time with the other three," Lindsay started with a shrug. "I've been keeping a journal about all this so I can share it with her someday, so she knows how much we love and want her. I've been talking to a lot of other adoptive mothers about what to expect, getting Avery's room set up with another bed. I try not to think too much about the reality of it but when I'm laying in bed at night and it's quiet, all I can think about is what she's going through, if she's even aware of what's going on around her. I worry about her diaper and clothes being changed. I worry that she'll get sick. I worry that this isn't going to work out. I worry that we're not enough for her. It's not easy. I wouldn't say that we're really making it but it's a day at a time kind of thing."
"I can't wait until she comes home," Austin said softly, pulling Lindsay into a tight hug. "Anything you need, you let us know. No matter what it is."
"Just be there like you always are."
"Absolutely."
"Hey mama, we need the picture," Colton said, holding his hand out. "The other kids want to see her."
Apparently the kids had taken it upon themselves to inform their counterparts of the new addition to their little family.
"Mama, I telled Sarah that sister cannot walk or stand. An' she said she will learn to walk an' stand an' dance all at the same time! I think that is a wonderful idea!"
"I think so too, baby," Lindsay agreed, as the kids crowded around the picture Colton held.
"Oh she looks sad," Isa started. "But she's so cute! It's a good thing she's coming into this family. She needs a lot of hugs and we're full of them around here."
"Hey, that's what I thought too Isa!" Ben laughed. "My favorite thing about her is how her little tongue sticks out. Mama says it's because she has what's called low muscle tone. I think it makes her look like she's up to mischief."
"It does!" Junior agreed. "She'll fit in well with our gang if she likes mischief."
"Auntie, what will her name be?" Sarah asked, sliding into Lindsay's lap.
"We don't know yet. In the orphanage they call her Rebecca, but that might not be her real name. We won't know for a while."
"Us kids think of her as Becca, just for now," Colton said. "It goes good with the rest of our names."
"I love to have a sister named Becca," Avery nodded. "Thomas agrees."
Ben snickered and shook his head.
"I bet she will love Thomas, sissy. Remember what we read in your dog book, that dogs are helpful to people that are sick?"
"Yep! It is a good thing that we getted Thomas when we did."
"You're gonna be a good big sister, Aves," Junior said, dropping his arm around her shoulder. "How will it feel to not be the baby anymore?"
"Most confusing, Dan-yo," she sighed. "But I will get used to it for Becca."
"It looks like this is going to work out just fine, Lin."
"Mama, I had a real good talk with Junior tonight, about our new sister."
"Oh you did?"
"Yup. You know how I was worried 'bout you and daddy stretching your time to cover four kids? Well he explained it to me real good with math. See, before I came along you just had Cole. And then when I came, that was double the kids. And it worked just fine then because you always have time for me and Cole. So then sissy came and she was one more. But it wasn't double what you already have. And so Becca will not be double either. And that's okay. Because you made time for double once and that turned out just fine, so adding another kid will be okay too."
"I'm glad you're feeling better about this," Lindsay said, sliding his glasses off and placing them on the side table. "Daddy and I were worried."
"Nah, you don't have to be worried. You know I just need some time for adjusting and all."
"Yeah, I know that now," she chuckled while he pulled his arms behind his head.
"I just wanted to reassure you, mama. I don't want to give you another worry. I just want you to know that I would really like to still have special time with you and daddy."
"We'll do our best."
"Okay. I really love you mama. You're the greatest."
"I really love you too, Benjamin."
She leaned down to kiss him, smiling when he wrapped his arms around her neck and held on for a few minutes.
"You are my beautiful. Thanks for being my mama."
"Thanks for being my Ben."
She kissed him again then tucked the blankets tightly around him, breathing in the little boy scent that was so Benjamin.
"Alright mister, time to go to sleep," she said, moving over to Colton's bed.
"One more chapter?"
"No sir. Morning comes early and you're as cranky as a cat in water when we have to wake you up."
"Oh alright."
He put the book down and slid under the covers, letting Lindsay tuck him in, even though they both knew he was too old for that.
"I love you mama."
"I love you too, Colton Matthew. I'm so glad you're my first baby. I don't think anyone could be a better big brother than you are."
"I do work pretty hard at it," he countered, a twinkle in his eye. "Raise in my allowance?"
"You're pushing it, bud."
He chuckled and she brushed his hair off of his forehead, noting the scar from four years ago, astonished that so much time had passed. He seemed to understand what she was thinking and he reached up to hold her hand.
"Mama, you've still got seven years before I move out of the house and go to college. Don't be sad just yet."
"Promise to hug and kiss me every day?"
"I think you'd hunt me down if I didn't."
"So much like your daddy. Sleep good, alright?"
"I will. See you in the morning. I love you."
"I love you too."
She wanted to stay there and watch them fall asleep like she had when they were babies, but if they knew she was there, they would want to talk all night long, so she had to leave.
Closing the door most of the way behind her, she peeked into Avery's bedroom, listening in on the conversation she and Adam were having. Adam was kneeling by the bed, propped up on his elbows while Avery lay on her side, talking to him seriously between yawns.
"Daddy, will I still be your Tink when Becca comes?"
"Of course."
"An' I will be your girl?"
"You'll be one of my girls."
She nodded and reached up to rub his arm.
"Daddy, I love you so most."
"I love you so most too, Averylin."
"I love you moster than you love me."
"Not possible, baby."
"Yes huh. I love you so huge an' big daddy, so very huge an' big until my heart feels very thumpy inside me an' I just smile so much from lovin' you."
"Averylin Grace, I love you even more than that."
"Oh my. That is a lot of love you got, daddy. I am glad. I like our family. I will be happy when Becca is here an' she shares my room an' my Thomas. She will like that. An' she will become healthy an' strong from all the love we give to her. She will be happy. I like that plan daddy."
"I like that plan too. You're going to be a very good big sister."
"I am? Oh good! I really hope so. Really, really. I shall ask the girls, the Sarah and Isa girls how to be a big sister. They are the only ones I know."
"That's a good idea. We all need our family to help us sometimes."
She nodded and yawned again while he leaned over to kiss her cheek.
"Goodnight Tink."
"Night, daddy. I hope you have mega-wonderful dreams."
"You too sweetie."
"Oh goodnight mama. Come kiss me quickly."
Lindsay smiled and obeyed, her mind jumping ahead to the time when she would be kissing two giggling girls goodnight.
"Sleep good sweetie. We'll see you in the morning."
"I will wake you up like normal," she promised, snuggling into her bed and closing her eyes.
They left her room and went up to the third floor, changing clothes and sliding into bed after a long day. Adam was quiet and Lindsay scooted over to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly.
"You okay honey?"
"Yeah, just tired. I feel like we've been running for weeks and we're finally at a resting point."
"Gotta get up and run again soon."
"Yeah."
"I wish she was home."
"Me too."
She nuzzled into his chest and sighed deeply, emotionally spent from the day.
"I'm glad we're doing this, no matter how exhausting it is."
"Me too. She's worth it."
"Absolutely," she yawned. "But to be honest, there's been a few days where I've wondered what we're getting ourselves into."
"I have too."
"Think that's normal?"
"Probably."
"Can I confess to you how scared I am that this might not work out? That we're going to get stuck jumping through one of those hoops, or the country will close to adoptions again or any number of things… I don't want that to happen."
"I don't want it to either. And I hate that there's nothing we can do to ensure those things don't happen."
"This is stressful."
"Eventually, it will be a better kind of stressful. Eventually she'll be home."
"You really believe that?"
"I have to or I would lose it."
"I'm still glad we're doing this, no matter how hard it is."
"Me too. We should sleep. And remember tomorrow is one day closer."