Chapter One:

If you think she's a looker now, just wait till you see her all dolled up in evil

Or

A lesson in why the grass is not always greener on the evil side

You may be completely forgiven for anything you do in that first moment.

That horrifying, terrible, somewhat hallucinatory first moment. That moment when you realize, not only do you not wish a vile ending to a perpetually do-gooding thorn in your side, you actually would do anything to prevent it. And all because you have…feelings, but unfortunately not evil feelings, for said do-gooding thorn.

Any half descent villain would be driven to, how shall we say, previously unimaginable extremes.

If such a moment hasn't happened to you already, then may I suggest when it does, you sit somewhere comfortable, take a few deep breaths, and allow your most trusted minion to talk you down from the ledge.

Otherwise you might end up doing something so bad even you regret it.

Allow me to offer my own experience as a parable for what can happen when you to hastily decide you cannot allow yourself to love a non-villain….

"Thank you so much Mr. Cedric! You're the most ah-mazing, sensational sorcerer on earth!"

For someone who'd technically passed into adulthood, Princess Sofia managed to retain an innocent almost childlike aura I found fascinating and irritating by turns.

At the moment it irritated me to the point of wanting to wring someone's neck, unfortunately not hers though. For some reason never hers.

I had put my plans to acquire the Amulet of Avalor on indefinite hold. But that did not mean I wasn't still trying to take over the kingdom.

After all I deserved to be king!

Which was how I ended up transforming myself into an abominable snow beast on our court visit/ ski vacation to Arendelle, and fighting Sofia, Princess Anna, her grating snowman sidekick, and the reign deer for the mythical Ice Scepter of Freezia.

A bolt from the scepter during the fight turned me back into my human form. But luckily I had ducked behind a large rock just as I was hit.

Still, it effectively ended the battle. I had no choice but to pretend I'd followed them up the mountain to help fight the snow beast, whom I'd just defeated. Behind the rock where no one could see. (You see how I did that…skills).

It turned out to be lucky for the little thorn in my side, since no sooner did I appear from behind the rock but she attempted to run to me and ended up falling into a six foot deep hole which had been covered by the snow.

After floating her up, wet, snow caked, and practically blue from the cold, she threw her frozen arms around me in a suffocating hug.

The next hour proved… interesting as Princess Anna insisted Sofia and I ride on her antlered mule. Sofia because she was too cold to walk, and me because she needed someone to keep her warm. Since she was already clinging to me I would have to do!

The girl spent the entire ride looking up into my face with worshipful eyes and telling me how, as she put it, ah-mazing I was. It wasn't as good as acquiring the scepter, but it was a passable consolation prize. Especially when she would shiver a little and then rub her cheek into my chest.

And then…then…just as we came in sight of the castle, Sofia leaned up and pressed her icicle lips to mine.

"Thank you Mr. Cedric! I would have been a princess popsicle if it weren't for you!"

With that she was pulled from my embrace and rushed into the castle by King Rolland, Queen Miranda and Queen Elsa.

And I remained sitting on the funky looking donkey wondering what that strange feeling in my chest was.

Eventually the peasant turned Prince walked up to us, wanting his best buddy back.

"I think he likes her!" The prince said, as though he were speaking for the reign deer instead of to it.

The part of my brain not still focusing on how cold and perfect and freezing and soft Sofia's lips were wondered idly if Princess Anna was aware her husband was seriously mentally disturbed. Schizophrenia perhaps inbreeding, I couldn't be sure which.

"Merlin's mushrooms," giving both the funky looking donkeys the most exasperated look I could muster, I made my way back into the castle.

There were no dank, ill lit, drafty towers in this castle. So I had been relegated to a perfectly cozy corner parlor to use as my makeshift quarters/workshop.

Slamming and bolting the door behind me, I sat down, utterly uncaring of whatever Wormwood was squawking about.

My lips were still tingling, my chest was still constricting, and somehow, despite the subzero temperatures, I'd begun to sweat.

Dear God, I must be dying!

Had I contracted some strange disease from this frozen hellhole? I wracked my brain trying to think what I could have come down with, when the mentally challenged prince peasant's words echoed back to me.

I think he likes her!

"NO!" I screeched to no one. "It's not possible!"

It couldn't be.

Yes, I had an embarrassing soft spot for the youngest princess. But that was only because she was my friend. The only one I had!

And yes, I had given up my pursuit of the amulet, for now, because the thought of hurting her made me…uncomfortable.

And I had continued to teach her magic long after she stopped coming to me for homework help. But that was merely because I wanted company. Villain or no I was human! Everyone gets lonely once in a while. And she was a good companion, adoring, easy to please, and forever complimentary.

She was bright too.

She learned quickly and had a natural talent for magic.

And she made good conversation.

Every once and a while she would let me glimpse a truly wicked, cutting sense of humor. And I would admit I attempted to bring out her acerbic side more often than was probably fitting.

And she was lovely.

"There I said it!" I yelled at my reflection in a mirror hung on the far wall of the room.

"Sofia is graceful and beautiful and sweet and kind and gorgeous and brilliant and beautiful! Is it a crime to notice such things? If she doesn't want people to think she's perfect she should stop being perfect! Do something selfish, grow a nose wart. She knows enough magic to transform herself into an old hag. But does she? NOOO, so how's that my fault? Hmmm?"

I was reaching soprano levels of screeching when I realized I was in far more serious trouble than I had ever imagined.

Standing up I moved to the mirror.

"Dear god old boy you don't actually…love her?"

Wormwood made a squawk which I had no need of the amulet or its powers to know was a threat to disown me.

"Oh, no, no, no, NO!" I scrubbed my hands through my hair and rubbed them over my face. "No, you have to do something about this now!"

Turning I noticed the two identical beakers on my temporary work table. Identical except for the purple liquid in one and the pink liquid in the other, and it came to me. The perfect answer to my problem, my salvation from a life of shameful longing for a sickeningly innocent ray of sunshine.

"Yes! Wormwood I have it!

"I'll resurrect Sofia's evil doppelganger.

She's Sofia only evil, which means she's better than perfect! I'll have an evil apprentice to pass on all my evil knowledge too and an evil companion to spend my days with. And if I love Sofia so much, then I'm bound to be head over heels for her copy!"

Of course the thought struck me that even if I loved Sofia there was absolutely no reason on earth why Sofia should ever love me back. I was almost two decades older than her, skinny, unattractive, and awkward.

But if I liberated her copy from hell…well that should count for something shouldn't it? Perhaps in time she'd grow to feel the same for me as I felt for Sofia.

It was worth a try. It was certainly better than pining for my virtuous, completely unattainable princess until I withered away and died from it.

Rushing to my books, I flipped through the stack until I found the resurrection spell.

"Doppler princessin resurectus!"

There was a puff of pink smoke and then there she was, sitting seductively on the worktable in a pink sorcerer's robe and nothing else. Her bare legs were crossed at the knees, one foot, with a perfect candy pink pedicure, inching its way under my robe and up my leg. She was beautiful, captivating, scintillatingly malevolent, and mine for the taking.

"You summoned me…master." She licked her lips and appraised me with bold eyes.

"Um..oh…yes, I guess I did didn't I?"

She rolled her eyes and let out a puff of breath that lifted her bangs momentarily, as though she were already bored with me.

"Was there something you wanted?"

"Indeed," I said a little more commandingly. "I have need of an evil apprentice and a companion, and I thought…"

"And you thought if you busted me out of jail I'd be sooo grateful I'd be willing to hang around your creepy old ass for the next… however long?"

"Sofia…." She held up her hand.

"First things first, she's Sofia.

I've been watching you all this whole time, Mr. Cedric, so I know the deal. You've got a hard on for sweetest little princess in all the land and I'm here to fulfill all your perverted dreams. Fine, it's better than burning in a lake of fire indefinitely… I guess.

But you aren't going to be blubbering her name in my face every time you get off… which I'm betting will be way too quickly.

I want a name of my own."

Perhaps I hadn't quite thought this through as much as I should have.

"And just what would you like to be called?"

She looked up at the ceiling for a moment as though deep in thought.

"Sofia is such a goody-goody name, and I'm soooo not good. I want a baaaad name!"

Crossing my arms, I let out my own bored breath.

"What about Delilah, they don't get much worse than that."

"You might not be as much of a chore as I thought Cedikins. Delilah it is! So are we just going to sit around or are we going to wreak some havoc all up in here?"

The newly christened Delilah jumped off my worktable and strutted her way over to me, all swinging hips, bouncing auburn curls, and icy blue eyes. Sofia really was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen.

"Umm, yes, well not at the moment. It's dinner time, even the wicked need to eat. Stay here and I'll get us something."

With that I fled the room.

You did the right thing, you did the right thing, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

I gave myself a pep talk all the way to the kitchen and back.

But when I walked through the door it became completely clear I had done the very worst wrong thing I could possibly have done.

There was Delilah, just finishing the knot on the bindings which tied Sofia to a chair, a gag in her mouth and a completely incredulous look in her eyes.

"You were gone so long I decided to get this party started on my own! Party planning one-o-one: there isn't room for two guests of honor. So let's kick this off on the right foot, Mr. Cedric. Come and help me kill Sofia!"

"What are you… Odin's Icicles girl let her go."

Delilah just laughed.

"Why on earth would I do that?" Her fingers closed around the Amulet at Sofia's neck and with a wrenching pull the clasp on the necklace broke.

Sofia cried out and I could see a trickle of blood on her neck where the chain had cut into her flesh before giving way.

"I knew you were going to be difficult about this." Delilah huffed, rolling her eyes yet again. "Come on Cedric, how long have you been after this amulet?"

Sofia let out an incredulous cry and looked at me with eyes that were both shocked and wounded.

"Let's see, Sofia and I are seventeen, so that's almost ten years. Jeeze you really are bad at this whole villain thing aren't you. I mean wouldn't the laws of probability dictate that eventually you just sort of fall and land on the thing?"

"Delilah let her go!"

"No, I don't think so. Relationships are all about reciprocity. I do for you and you do for me. So I get the necklace for you and you open the gate back to hell and toss Ms. Goody Goody in, making me the one and only Sofia on this plane. After all, if you want me to be…pliant to your will, you're going to have to do better than offering me substandard accommodations and old man cock. The thought of that may get her all hot and bothered but not me."

Yes, this was a completely horrible idea. What in god's name had made me think resurrecting this harridan simply because she wore my angel's was a good idea?

"G…G…Give me the amulet," I stammered, holding out my hand.

Delilah looked down at the amulet and then back up at me with a sinister smile.

"Open the gate to hell."

Pulling my wand out I walked over to her.

She smiled up at me seductively and wound her arms around my neck.

"Maybe I was wrong. I think you and I are going to work out wonderfully!" She giggled before pressing her lips to mine.

I rested my hands on her hips and let her kiss me, but inside I felt as though a knife was sinking itself between my ribs.

It wasn't the same.

She was tangling her fingers in the ends of my hair, running her tongue over my teeth, pressing every inch of Sofia's perfect body against me. I should have been a puddle of barely contained desire, but instead I was miserable.

There was no tingle in my lips, no constriction in my heart.

She wasn't Sofia.

She wasn't Sofia because she wasn't good. And if she wasn't Sofia I couldn't love her.

Delilah finally pulled away, handing me the amulet.

She walked behind Sofia's chair so she could give it a shove when I opened the gate.

Sighing at my utter failure (on so many levels) I chose to look at Sofia while I uttered the words.

"Doppler Domincus."

Delilah let out a cry of indignant rage before poofing into nothing.

Sofia was staring at me now, a look of complete disbelief painting her beautiful features.

I looked away, preferring not to meet her eyes as I began untying her.

After removing the gag, I put my wand to her cut and healed it before replacing the amulet where it belonged…around that perfect throat.

Sofia clasped the amulet in her hands, seeming as though she couldn't quite fit all the pieces of the last half hour together.

Finally she looked up at me again.

"Mr. Cedric how could you?" Tears were forming at the corners of her eyes and I felt my chest start to hurt.

Oh dear god, she was going to cry. She couldn't cry. I hated it when she cried. It made me feel things I hated feeling. Things like sympathy and a desire to comfort, and at this particular moment, a healthy dose of guilt too.

"I…I…I had too," I stammered, feeling about five inches tall under the glare of her wounded disappointment.

"How on earth could you have had to resurrect my evil copy? Why would you even do something like that?"

Suddenly I felt unbelievable mad. How dare she?

"How dare you!

How dare you stand there judging me?

You're good and beautiful and innocent and full of light. Anyone would want you, everyone wants you. You even managed to make me want you, to make me fall in love with you!

But ohh no, evil, ugly, bungling, worthless Cedric doesn't deserve love, or happiness. He should just accept the fact he's going to die alone and slink away to his fate without bothering any of us!"

I was huffing and out of breath from my little outburst, so I never noticed her getting closer to me.

"You love me? Really?" There was a strange emotion in her voice… disbelief…but not quite, surprise… but something more…HOPE!

"Of course I love you. How could I not love you? You're everything I said you are and you're my only friend, even though I've never been a very good friend in return. You're… you're everything."

She was barely an inch from me now and her hands came up, cupping my cheeks.

"Why didn't you just tell me how you felt?"

I scoffed at that, giving her my very best sneer, even though I didn't move away.

"How could I do that? Even if I'd realized before today what I was feeling, I have nothing to offer you. Even if you're too sweet to laugh in my face like anyone else in your position would, I can't bear to hear you thank me and tell me how you'll always be my friend but….

I thought your copy being wicked…like me, I thought we would suit each other. I thought she could take your place. I thought….I don't know what I thought, obviously it was all a farcical mistake. Cedric the so-so bungles it again."

Her hands tightened ever so slightly on my face, making me look at her instead of the floor, where my eyes had gravitated during my humiliating confession.

"You're not ugly or worthless or a bungler. I admit I might have misjudged the evil part, all things considered but…but somehow that doesn't matter nearly as much as it should. You should have just told me you love me…so I could tell you I love you too."

And then she was kissing me. Sofia, my Sofia, the real Sofia, kissing me with her soft, sweet, perfect lips and wrapping her arms around me. ME!

And there it was… the tingle in my lips and the constricting in my heart….

So you see, you get that first moment, when you realize you love a hero, for free. But learn from my example because every moment after that counts!