There was a gentle knock on the door and Colton looked up from his book to see his parents stepping into the room.

"Can we talk to you, buddy?"

"I'm reading."

"Can you stop reading for just a little bit?"

He sighed and closed the book, setting it on his bedside table. He didn't want to talk about things until he'd figured it out in his head, but he wasn't really keen on spending time doing that either.

"You want to tell us what's bothering you?"

"I don't want to talk about it, daddy."

"Sometimes it helps."

Colton bit the inside of his cheek but had to blink back the tears anyway. It was so much easier to ignore it all, bury his nose in a book and leave things to deal with later. Why wouldn't they just leave him to it? Why were they both right here, leaving him nowhere to escape to?"

"Listen buddy, we know Isa was upset today too. And we would never ask her what's going on with you like that, but if it's hurting both of you then we need to know."

"Something bad happened," he whispered after a moment, wishing he had something to hide behind.

"What is it honey?"

They sat down on either side of him and he leaned into Lindsay, feeling like he was a little boy again, but wishing he could handle this like a man.

"Remember my friend Oliver?"

"From kindergarten? Yeah."

"Doesn't he go to a different school now?"

"Yeah. Sometimes we skype but we haven't seen him really in a long time. And remember how our friend Samantha was friends with him too? Well they still see each other sometimes because their moms are friends."

"Okay."

"Today at school, Samantha told Isa that Oliver… she said that he… well his family was in a car accident. And Oliver and his little brother, they both died."

A silence descended on the room and despite not wanting to give into his emotions, Colton began to cry, crawling into Lindsay's lap and letting her rock him gently back and forth.

"I'm so sorry honey."

"I didn't think it could really happen," he sniffled, calming a little as Adam rubbed his back. "Kids aren't supposed to die."

"No, they're not."

"I know it happens, but it shouldn't. And now I have to think about it. I have to remember that it happens. What if something happens to Ben or Aves? What if it happens to Rebecca? Or any of the other kids? What if I can't protect them?"

No one had an answer for him so they stayed quiet for a long time, until he'd cried out his frustrations. He took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes, unsure of what to say, much less what to feel.

"I don't know how to feel better."

"You can't make yourself feel better, honey," Lindsay assured, lifting his head so she could look at him. "You're going to feel horrible for a while, but every day it gets a little easier."

"How come I always have to learn about the world like this?" he finally shouted. "I didn't want to know any of this!"

"I know."

"It's not fair! I'm supposed to be just a kid!"

"I know, Colton. I know you are."

"I hate this and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Can I please just read my book again?"

"Colton, you can't just forget it. That makes it worse."

"I don't care, mama. You don't understand why this happens so why should I even try?"

"No one will understand why this happens, ever. And no one is saying you have to figure that out. But you can't just pretend it didn't happen."

"Can I please talk to Isa?"

"Honey-"

"Mama, please? Can you take me over there or something?"

She sighed and stroked her fingers through his hair, wishing she could fix it for him herself, but knowing that he needed to talk it over with someone who was feeling the same hurt.

"Okay. I'll take you over."

"Thanks mama."

They sat on her bed together, legs crossed and hands joined between them, the same way they always sat when discussing something important. They were sure Sarah was just outside the door trying to listen in, but that didn't matter very much. Right now they just needed each other.

"Colt, I've never felt this sad before," Isa started. "Usually when I get sad I also get angry but today I'm not angry. I just want to cry."

"Me too. I keep getting worried about everyone. My stomach hurts a lot too."

"What would you do if something like that happened to me?"

Colton gulped and shook his head.

"Don't talk about that, Isa."

"But what would you do?"

"I don't know."

"If it was you Colt, I'd want to die too."

"Don't talk like that, Isa. Please."

She nodded and he reached up to push her dark hair out of her face.

"Colt?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to go to California."

"What? Why?"

"Because what if something happens while I'm gone? What if my ma gets hurt again? What if one of the kids does? What if I never see someone again?"

A tear slid down her cheek and he leaned forward to wipe it away, then moved so he was next to her, pulling her into a hug.

"You have to go. If you don't go, if you stay here because you're scared, then you're telling yourself that your fear is the boss of you. And nothing has ever been the boss of you, Isa Messer."

She cracked a little smile at that and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Sometimes I worry about my mama and daddy," he admitted. "Even though when they say goodbye they always promise to be safe, I know that those words aren't powerful enough to keep danger away. So that's why I try so hard to make sure they know I love them. Because if something happens, at least you have no regrets."

"I don't like thinking about these things, Colt. I'm not mature enough for this."

"Me neither. At least we have each other."

She nodded and turned closer to him, tossing her arms around his waist and snuggling into his side while he kept a tight hold on her.

"I wonder what it was like," she said after a while. "If Oliver was in pain. Or what if he was awake the whole time. Did he know he was dying?"

"That's morbid, Is."

"That's real, Colt."

He sighed and nodded, knowing that she was right. What was it so much easier to hear it coming from her than it was to think it in his own head?

"Colt, I promise that if something bad ever happens to me, I will still love you. Even when I'm dead."

"I'll love you too, Is. You're my heart."

"You're mine."

They sat like that for a little while longer, just being quiet and grateful that they still had each other.

"Let's go up to the roof," Isa said after a while, grabbing his hand. "Come on, the stars are almost out."

Not sure they should be doing this but unable to tell her no, he followed her out the window and up the fire escape to the roof of the building.

"I come up here a lot," she confessed, sitting down on a flannel blanket. "At night when ma and daddy think I'm asleep. I listen to the city and watch all the lights flickering in the distance. It's nice up here."

Colton nodded and joined her on the blanket, laying down and throwing his arms behind his head.

"Hey Isa?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you going to do when you grow up?"

"I think I'll travel. I don't know what I'll do for work, but that's what I'll do for fun. Want to come with me?"

"Yep."

"I think I'll go to Europe first, on a backpacking trip. I want to sleep in a hostel."

"What's that?"

"It's like a huge building with lots of beds that travelers sleep in. Almost a hotel, but one big room, really."

"That sounds terrible."

"It's an adventure, Colt. And think of all the people you would meet. Plus you can do it on the cheap."

"Not my style. But I'll go with you anyway."

"Okay. Then we'll do something you want to do after that. Unless it's a museum, I don't know why you like those so much."

Colton chuckled.

"They're fun."

"They're quiet."

He smiled and took her hand, threading their fingers together and giving her a squeeze.

"Isa, I'm really gonna miss you when you go to California."

"I'll miss you too, Colt."

"Think we can skype?"

"Yeah, we can. Maybe even call each other."

"I'm going to crush-hug you when you get back."

"Thanks for being my best friend, Colt. I love you a lot."

"Love you lots too, Is."

"No Thomas, that's my princess underpants!" Avery hollered, running out of her room and following the dog down the stairs. Ben backed up against the wall as they passed, smiling to himself at his sister's predicament, but not being deterred from his mission.

He found Colton in their bedroom, changing out of his nice clothes and into jeans and a t-shirt, a small frown on his face.

"Hey Cole."

"Hey."

"So… how was it?"

"It wasn't fun, Ben."

"I know that. While you were gone daddy told me that funerals are a good way of saying goodbye to someone we cared about. Did it work?"

Colton nodded gently.

"I think so. I feel a little better. Me and Isa and Samantha sat together and at the end we all went and hugged Oliver's mom. She cried pretty hard but she hugged us back and said she was glad we were there. So I guess that makes it a good thing, that we helped her to feel okay."

"Does your heart feel alright?"

"It feels better than this morning."

"Good. Mama said you were planning on getting the garden ready to plant this afternoon. I was hoping I could help you."

"Really?"

"Yep. It's something you like to do and I want to join you. That's what brothers do."

Colton grinned and threw his arm around Ben's shoulders.

"I'm glad you're my brother, Ben. I don't think there's a better one in the world."

"Really? Thanks Cole! I try my best to be a good brother. Of course sissy makes that difficult sometimes."

"Aves makes a lot of things difficult."

Sharing a laugh they headed out to the backyard, finding the ground in their patch of garden mostly turned already.

"Daddy did that while you were gone. He said it's really hard work and we'd be out here all day if he didn't start it."

Colton nodded and picked up a shovel, turning the dirt just a little more, while Ben got down on his hands and knees, pulling a few weeds up from the perimeter of the garden. They worked in silence for a long while, both lost in their own thoughts but focused on the work ahead of them.

Once Colton had turned the dirt and carved out rows for the seeds, he handed Ben a Sharpie and several wooden stakes.

"What are these for?"

"I'll tell you what I'm planting in each row and you write it on the stake and shove it in the ground. This way I know where everything is, and what needs extra water."

"Wow, you're smart Cole! That's great. What are you planting first?"

"Corn. It grows the tallest so it will give shade to some of the other stuff that needs it."

"That's a good plan. I'll write corn on this one."

They worked like that for a while, Colton planting the seeds while Ben diligently wrote their names on the wooden stakes.

"How do you spell zucchini, Cole? I sounded it out but it looks like a swear."

Colton walked over to inspect, laughing at the zookeenee he found written.

"Hey sissy!" Ben called to Avery, who was playing with Thomas on the other side of the yard. "How would you spell zucchini?"

"With a Z, Ben! Duh!"

Ben rolled his eyes and reached for the packet of seeds that Colton handed him.

"Oh wow. Is zucchini a different language?"

"Could be. Want to help me cover all the seeds up now?"

"Yep! Boy, this is fun and dirty work."

"The best part is when everything starts to grow and your hard work pays off. See, that's why hard work is worth it. That's why we go to school so in the future we can have good jobs. It's why mama and daddy give us chores and consequences, so they can shape us into good people. It's why we're going to go get Rebecca and help her to grow because someday she might change the world."

Ben nodded as they continued to work, but across the yard, Adam and Lindsay snuggled together on a lawn chair and listened to the conversation the boys were having. Colton was right, all the hard stuff, the tears and frustrations and fights, all of that was worth this moment.

Avery joined the boys after a few minutes, helping them push all the dirt back into place over the seeds before finding her Ariel watering can in the sandbox and handing it to Colton to fill. He laughed and took it to the spigot anyway, filling it for her before filling two larger watering cans for him and Ben to use. They worked together to get everything watered and pretty soon they were standing back admiring their handiwork.

"Coley, could you grow me some cheese?" Avery asked curiously, twisting her hair around her finger.

"Cheese don't grow in the ground sissy!" Ben laughed.

"Well then where do it come from Smarty-Face?"

He hooted even louder, doubling over and holding his sides while she scowled.

"Aves, cheese comes from milk. That comes from cows. Remember, you helped papa milk cows before."

"So how does the cheese come out? An' why is it different colors?"

"Well it's just made with milk Aves."

"Mama!" she shouted excitedly. "We could get a cow? Let's name her Bessie!"

She took off running towards them, jumping onto the chair they were sharing. It groaned, lurched to the side, then fell completely apart, depositing them on the ground with a loud thump.

Colton fell to his knees with laughter while Ben rolled around on the ground, unable to catch his breath. Avery whimpered in embarrassment or pain, they weren't sure and around their own laughter, Adam and Lindsay tried to make sure she was okay.

"I didn't mean to break the chair!" she sniffled, rubbing at her eyes. "Am I real fat?"

"No honey. Daddy and I were giving the chair a run for its money already. You just helped it along."

"Oh. So you and daddy are fat."

"Hey! I've been working out."

"Oh whatever daddy."

"You'd better believe it, kid," Adam laughed, picking her up and holding her over his head.

"Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Boys, lookit me!"

"I can see your underpants, Aves."

"Daddy, put me down! You're making me flash the boys."

He laughed and settled her on the ground again.

"Well kids, what should we do tonight?"

"Something fun!" Ben suggested, jumping up from the ground. "Let's go out for burgers and milkshakes, and after that let's see a movie! And later after that, we could go to the store and each pick out a prize."

"Slow your roll, little man. Such a night is not in the budget."

"Even the milkshakes?"

"Don't you think mama and I have dinner already worked out?"

"No."

"He's onto us!"

"Cole, they're crazy," he sighed, looking up at his brother. "Real ridiculous."

"Yep. Let's go inside and get washed up and then think of ideas for things to do tonight."

Ben nodded and followed him into the house while Avery trailed behind shouting out her opinions on the matter.

"So what are you planning for dinner then?" Lindsay asked, standing up and gathering up the chair pieces to throw away.

"I bought pizza stuff when I went out this morning. Figured it could be for tonight or whenever."

"You're a good man Charlie Brown."

"Think Colton's going to be okay?" he asked, leading her into the house.

"I think if we're there for him and pay attention to his cues, we'll at least be able to help him if he's not."

"I wish we were better prepared for stuff like this."

"I do too. But he knows we're doing our best."

He locked the back door behind them and they found the kids already laying on the living room floor, with a large roll of parchment paper in front of them.

"Pull up a crayon guys! We're drawing our favorite things!"

"We thought we could hang this in the stairs so we can all see it every day," Colton explained, tearing the wrapper off of a crayon before handing it to Avery. "And we're going in age order so you guys go over there."

"I get to be the caboose!" Avery giggled, underlining her preschool scrawl of "Avery's Favorite Things" that Ben had helped her to spell. "We agreed that our most favorite thing for all of us is our family, so the boys drawed that at the very end. See, all us and the Messers, then Mac and Jo, and Flack and Jess and the kids! It was a lot of stick people to draw."

"Count 'em up, sissy!"

Carefully she touched each person and counted, smiling when she reached sixteen.

"Yep, and we leaved a space to draw Becca when she comes because we did not know really how to draw her just yet. But that will be one more people. How many Ben?"

"That will be seventeen people. Seventeen that we love with all our hearts."

"Yep, that's a lot. Daddy, what are you drawing for your favorite thing?"

"I haven't decided yet. There's too many things I love."

"Oh. How about you mama?"

"I'm still thinking too."

"I drew books, Aves," Colton said. "And a chalkboard because I like learning. How about you Ben?"

"Is that man throwing up?" Avery asked, looking at Ben's drawing of a man with something coming out of his mouth.

"No sissy, don't be silly. Those are lines of laughter. Because that is my favorite thing. Laughter and being joyful."

"I drawed Thomas," Avery supplied. "But that is no surprise to anyone. Oh daddy, are you drawing our house?"

"Yeah. My favorite thing is all of us being home together."

"That's good. I like that a lot too."

"And mama's favorite thing must be love because she's drawing a heart! Boy, this thing sure makes me feel like a happy fella. It was a great idea, Cole. I'm glad we will get to see this when we wake up in the morning and before we go to bed at night. It's the greatest."

"I agree whole-heartedly, Ben," Avery said, tossing her arm around his shoulders. "It is most wonderful."