Shelly had called them before with bad news. Of course she never called it bad news, she usually said they'd hit a snag or had a surprise, in reference to a signature that was missing or a document that wasn't correct. But to bluntly say it was bad news was not her style.

"What kind of bad news?" Adam asked warily, reaching over for Lindsay's hand.

"Have you watched the news today?"

"No, we haven't had a chance. Why, what's going on?"

"Remember at the beginning of this process when we'd talked about the possibility of Rebecca's country closing to international adoption, the way Russia did a while back?"

"Yes, but we haven't heard anything since then. Did something happen?"

"They officially put a ban on all international adoptions. We know they aren't accepting any new applications for adoptive parents, but we don't know if they're going to grandfather in those who have already been approved."

"So what happens? What do we do?" Lindsay asked, wanting to get up and pace.

"Right now, we wait. We have to get in touch with our in-country liaisons to see what the law actually states and if your adoption will still go through."

"What if it doesn't?"

"The official stance of the country is that their reason for closing to international adoption is so that their citizens will step up and take in these orphans. And that's a good thing, in theory, so what we hope is that children will start to be adopted."

"You're saying that Rebecca may never leave then. We may never bring her home."

"That's been a possibility from the beginning," Shelly agreed, hating giving this news. "But yes, this is another large roadblock that we're going to have to navigate."

"Is there anything at all we can do right now?" Adam asked, cracking his knuckles. "More money? More paperwork?"

"We don't know. Everything has just happened so I don't have a lot of information. As soon as I know anything, you'll know."

A silence fell and Lindsay sniffled a little, trying to figure out what to do. It was the most helpless feeling in the world.

"Listen, we still have almost 6 months until she ages out into an institution. There's still time and once we figure out exactly what's going on, there might still be something we can do."

"Okay. Thanks Shelly. Just um… give us a call when you hear anything else."

"I will. Sylvie is here if there's anything you or the kids need to talk over, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

They ended the call and Adam sat back on the couch, palms scrubbing at his eyes. Everything was so perfectly in place, all they had left to do was wait. And now, now they may never bring their little girl home. And even if the intention of the country was good, and he couldn't argue that, it didn't guarantee that Rebecca would have a home any sooner in her own country than she would with them.

"Hey babe," he started, sitting up. But Lindsay was already up from the couch, deftly wiping her tears away.

"There's nothing we can do about it right now," she declared. "No use crying over it. I need to go feed the kids."

"Hey, wait a minute. Don't you want to talk about this?"

"Later okay? I can't right now."

"Later, you promise?"

"I'll try, it's just… can you wait? Is that alright?"

"Babe that's fine, but you can't crawl into your little safe place and not let me in."

"I'm not doing that. I need to process, that's all."

He stood up from the couch and crossed to her, knowing the harshness of her words was borne of frustration and sadness rather than anger towards him.

"Okay. You have some space, but not for too long."

"It's not fair to you."

"It's fair enough. We take care of each other and this is me taking care of you."

She didn't say anything else, nodding gently and heading upstairs. He needed to talk about this, to come up with some kind of plan for every scenario and if she had enough information, she would have wanted that too. But right now he couldn't push her or she would push harder, push away. All he could do was let her go.

"Aren't we having dinner daddy?" Avery asked from the doorway, eyes large in question.

"Sure, Tink. You wanted salad right?"

"Yes, an' could we have chicken too? Because of chickenpox?"

He chuckled.

"Sure, let's see what we can scrounge up."

He swung her up into his arms and held her tightly, finding in some way that his worries were evening out, but in other ways, they were getting worse. Being with his children always eased whatever was going on, but right now seeing them happy and home just brought to light even more starkly the fact that Rebecca was still all alone.

"I love you so, so most, daddy. All the most of the most in the world."

"I love you too, Averylin. Even more than most."

"Oh wow! I am a lucky little girl."

He'd ordered the beer with no intention of drinking it at all and had mostly swiped his fingers through the condensation on the glass as he sat at the bar. Once the kids had been put the bed for the night and Lindsay was either asleep, or skillfully pretending to be, Adam had called Danny to meet him for a drink. He wasn't sure who else to talk to, as Lindsay needed more space than he'd thought, he obviously couldn't talk to his wife.

"That's heavy, buddy," Danny said, letting a low sigh escape his lips before taking a long drag of the beer he'd ordered. "What's going to happen?"

"No idea. For now, we wait."

"How's Linds takin' it?"

"Honestly? I don't really know. She said she needed space and we'd talk later. I thought once the kids went to bed, but she went to sleep."

Danny nodded and took another drink and cleared his throat.

"You think she'd say anything if you went home and woke her up now?"

"Besides trying to bite me for disturbing her sleep? Nah. Once she turns off, she's off for a while. She's gotta be the one to get started again."

"Life's a waitin' game then."

"Seems to be."

They sat in silence for a bit, Danny swirling the beer in the bottle a few times while he thought.

"You guys aren't always the best at talkin' things out when you need to," he said finally, pushing his glasses up. "That hasn't been a good thing in the past."

"We've done better the last few years. This is just more… sensitive I assume."

"Space is one thing, but if there's one thing our wives got in common, it's that need to run away from whatever they don't want to deal with. And you can't let her run, buddy."

"I know."

"Then you'd better get home and make sure she doesn't. Make sure she knows that you need her too."

"Yeah."

"Does she even know you're here?"

"I left her a note."

"Buddy," Danny chuckled, shaking his head. "You're a brave man."

"Shut up," Adam said with a wry grin, shaking his head.

"You'd better get home. I got the tab."

Adam nodded and left his now warm beer on the counter, checking to make sure he had his wallet before heading home. The streets were quiet as he walked, trying to figure out how he was going to approach his wife about this. He knew she wasn't ready to talk but he was more than ready and he'd given her space. It was time for compromise. It made him a little angry that she wasn't willing to open up before, and he tried to get rid of that feeling, or it would make things a whole lot worse.

Unlocking the front door, he toed his shoes of and went upstairs, peeking in on the kids. Everyone was sleeping soundly and as much as he wanted to hug and kiss all three of them, he didn't want to wake them up either. Carefully, he went upstairs, slowly opening the bedroom door. He changed his clothes then slowly pulled back the covers, as to not bother her with a rush of cold air. As soon as he lay down she sleepily scooted back towards him, needing him then even if she wouldn't admit it awake. His arms circled around her and he dropped a kiss to her hair, still mulling over what he was going to do.

"I'm afraid we're going to lose her," she whispered after a moment. "We're never going to bring her home."

"We might."

"We might not. And I'm going to have to start letting go of her just in case but I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up."

"We won't."

"I don't know what to do, Adam. She's not here. I can't hold her and tell her it will be okay. I can't go there, I can't stay here. When any of the other kids need me, I can be right there. But I can't do that for her."

"I know. It's hard to feel like we're loving her enough when she's not here to feel it."

Her breath hitched in her throat and she let herself cry, turning over to wrap herself around him because as much as she needed comfort, she had to give it too. His fingers swooped through her hair and he kept her close, crying his own tears for a while until she finally spoke.

"Thanks for letting me have space. I won't take as much next time, I promise."

"It's okay."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Always will, no matter what happens, okay?"

"Okay."

"Let's try and get some sleep. Maybe Shelly will have more information in the morning."

"Mom?"

"Lindsay? Hey sweetie. How are the kids doing?"

"Oh. They're fine. Not a lot of itching, not much bickering either. They like hanging out together so it's not so bad. The boys are teaching Averylin how to play Mario Kart."

"Something seems to be on your mind."

Lindsay sighed and continued to pace the hallway, popping her toes against the floor. She hadn't said anything out loud yet, she'd even avoided a call from Austin so she wouldn't have to talk about it. Normally she would never call her mom for something like this until it was resolved but this time that seemed to be all she needed.

"Mom, we might not get to bring Rebecca home."

There's a silence and then a long sigh from the other end of the line and Lindsay slid down the wall, playing with the locket around her neck and sniffling gently to herself.

"Oh honey. What happened?"

Lindsay explained it as best she could, trying to keep her voice even and making it almost to the end before her emotions showed through.

"All we can do is wait and see what happens, mom. And I hate that. There's nothing I can do and I've felt helpless through this whole thing but I always assumed she'd eventually come home."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do. Should we prepare the kids? Do we take down her bed? Should we just give up and move on?"

"Lindsay if you were pregnant and the doctor told you that you might not carry the baby to term, would you terminate the pregnancy? Stop dreaming about your child?"

"No, of course not."

"I know this isn't the same, but she's your child, legal or not."

"I… mom, I don't even know if I feel that."

"What do you mean?"

Lindsay bit her lip and ran her free hand through her hair. She hadn't confronted this particular feeling yet and normally she wouldn't ruminate on it with her mom, but suddenly it felt like she was talking to the only person who would listen.

"We've been concentrating so hard on getting her here and how life will change then that I haven't really felt like her mother. I can't care for her the way I do with the other kids. I don't know anything about her. I don't know about her birth parents, I don't know her medical history, I don't know the sounds she makes when she's tired or sad, I don't know what it feels like to hold her…"

She trailed off and started to cry, resting her forehead against her knees in shame. She'd committed to being Rebecca's mother and she knew that biology and law didn't matter as much as heart, but despite that she felt as if she wasn't doing all she could. She felt more like a social worker than a mother.

"Sweetheart, listen to me."

"Mom, what if I don't love her?"

"Lindsay, you love her. It's not going to be the same as it is with the other kids. Bonding with her is going to be harder, especially since you can't see her and be with her and she doesn't know you. That doesn't mean you love her any less."

"Mom, this whole thing just feels like something we're doing. Like some goal to achieve. She doesn't feel like my little girl, as much as I love her, she doesn't feel like mine."

"I know that's not true. Sweetie right now you're scared and frustrated and you're trying not to let yourself get attached in case something happens. Self-preservation is okay. It's normal. But it makes you feel terrible."

"I do feel terrible."

"It doesn't mean you are terrible. This isn't a typical path to having a child, it only holds that your feelings to it and to her aren't going to be typical."

"I think you're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm your mother."

Lindsay laughed a little and wiped at her eyes, taking a second to listen for the kids, just to make sure they were okay.

"I'm scared she's going to be stuck there forever. She's not healthy, mom. If she ages out and goes into an institution she's not coming out. She's barely got a hold on life right now and I'm so scared that we'll be told we can't have her and she'll be sent out of the orphanage and then she'll… I don't want her to die. If I had just started this earlier, if we had committed to it earlier, she might be home now."

"You can't do that, honey. You can't blame yourself for the deplorable conditions she's lived in and you can't take the blame for the fact that humans are cruel."

"I don't know how to do that. I should have been there. Something in me should have known about her and should have gotten to her before. I should have been more connected to her. I'm her… I'm her mother."

"Yes, you are."

"This is hard."

"No one said it would be easy."

"I know. I hear a fight breaking out, I'd better go."

"I love you honey."

"I love you too mom. Thanks for the talk."

They hung up and Lindsay took a moment to wipe her eyes and control her breathing before she went downstairs. Avery had thrown herself on the floor and was crying, face red and fists balled up at her sides. Ben was trying to reason with her while Colton sighed and put the video game away.

"Mama, she's going crazy and she won't stop!" Ben announced, his hands flying into the air in frustration.

"Averylin, sit up and tell me what happened?"

"Ben shrinked me and I losed!" she wailed, scrubbing at her eyes. "I falled down the jump!"

"I said I was sorry, sissy. I didn't know you were there."

"I am not mad at you!" she shrieked. "I am mad at losing!"

"Baby please lower your voice and talk to me like a big kid."

Avery shuddered a breath and tried to calm herself.

"I am frustrated," she said finally. "Because Ben done a accident and I did not get to finish my race because I was upset. I do not want to play anymore. I would like to take a nap."

"You know what? I feel like I need a nap too."

"Will you snuggle with me?"

"Of course."

"Okay. Ben and Coley, thanks for teaching me to play. Someday when I am not crazy, we will try again."

"It's okay Aves. Even mama and daddy fight over Mario Kart."

"You do, mama?"

"All the time."

"Okay."

"Boys, you think you need a rest too?"

They both gave her incredulous looks and she giggled, helping Avery to her feet.

"We'll be upstairs, you two be good."

"We will, mama."

The girls headed upstairs, Avery yawning and in need of a change of clothes. Lindsay found the more the kids changed their clothes, the less they tended to itch.

"Thomas!" Avery hollered, crossing her room. "You cannot lay on Becca's bed!"

Thomas looked at her lazily, then dropped her head back to her paws.

"Hey you stinker. Get down. Mama, get her down."

Lindsay smiled and picked the dog up off the small bed, setting her on the floor instead.

"It's okay if Thomas hops up there sweetie. We'll was the blankets again before Rebecca comes home."

"I know. But it is Becca's bed an' she did not give Thomas permission. That is all."

"Oh, okay."

Avery changed into pajamas while Lindsay picked up the discarded clothes and tossed them in the hamper, then they both lay down on Avery's bed together.

"Mama, are you sad today? Your eyes look weird."

"It's been a rough couple days. It'll get better. Nothing some snuggles with my girl can't fix."

"How about snuggles with me too?" Ben asked from the doorway. "Cole started reading and I figured I might come up here and share in the cuddling with my favorite ladies."

"Sure buddy, come on over."

They all rearranged until they were comfortable, one child on either side of their mother.

"This is the best," Ben said with a sigh. "Hey, when do I get too old for this?"

"Eventually you'll feel too old for it, but promise me when you do, I'll still get lots of hugs."

"Okay mama. And kisses too, just not in front of the guys. Well, 'cept for Junior, he knows I'm a mama's boy. He is too."

"I'm a mama's girl an' a daddy's girl," Avery nodded with a yawn. "I like it that way. Ben is you a daddy's boy?"

"Well sure! I love our daddy. He's the best. Someday I will be just like him. Will you be like mama, Aves?"

"Oh yes. When I have kids they will be most happy such as we are."

"My kids will be too. Wow, thanks for being so great, mama!"

"You're welcome."

"Someday, if enough people have as much love as we have in our family, maybe someday then the world will be a really great place. We gotta keep that love going. It could change all the bad into good. And that would be an awesome thing."