A/N: I didn't expect this chapter to end the way it did, but I'm glad the characters took it there. Really glad. Things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better. And excuse me but when did Ben grow up?

"I don't feel like going anywhere."

Ben looked up from his shoe and pushed his glasses up tipping his head to the side and waiting for further explanation from his brother.

"Why not?"

"Because," Colton sighed, sitting down on the side of his bed. "Didn't yesterday feel weird to you?"

Ben nodded, surprised that someone else felt it.

"It didn't feel like Thanksgiving. It felt like… like everyone wanted to laugh and have fun like we always do but they were afraid it would hurt our feelings."

"Yeah. They would start telling jokes and then stop."

"And Jo-Jo didn't even say very much. Usually you can't shut her up."

Colton nodded, feeling a desperate urge to chew on his finger. He hadn't done that in a long time, but he felt like he needed some kind of stress relief and that was all he could think of.

"Let's talk to daddy about it. Maybe he will have a solution. He always does."

"Okay."

The boys left their bedroom in search of their dad, finding him starting a load of laundry.

"Daddy, we have to talk to you about something."

"What's going on?"

Ben wavered a little and looked up at Colton, glad his brother could take over in times like this.

"Ben and I, we don't want to go today."

"How come?" Adam inquired, trying to be patient. "I thought you would be excited to look for a Christmas tree with everyone."

"They treat us different daddy!" Ben exclaimed finally. "It feels so weird! And sissy, she cries all the sudden so much and it embarrasses her when she does that. I don't think she needs the pressure."

"Everyone is walking on eggshells around us daddy," Colton sighed, sliding his arm around Ben's shoulders.

"I know," Adam agreed, ushering them into the other room so they could sit on the couch. "I promise you guys, all this stuff is going to gradually feel better and normal again. Right now we've just got to push through. We need to be strong for mama and Avery. It's okay for us to have fun even if we're sad and upset. It would probably help a lot if we laughed."

"Even if I don't feel like laughing?"

"Especially if you don't feel like laughing."

"How do we do that?"

Adam shrugged.

"Think about farting."

It took a second but both boys unwillingly broke into grins. Bathroom humor would get them every time.

"See, it feels a little better doesn't it?"

"A teeny very small bit," Ben agreed with a nod. "Maybe it's a good piece of advice after all. Have you laughed yet daddy?"

"No, not really."

"Let's make this into a deal with the three of us," Colton suggested. "Let's make a deal that all three of us need to laugh at least one time today, and have a good time."

Adam agreed and so did Ben, after a moment of reluctance.

"I'll do it for mama and sissy," he said finally. "Where are those precious ladies anyway?"

"Probably trying to fit Aves into her clothes from last winter. I think she grew two inches, mama said."

Ben nodded and started up the stairs, taking his glasses off to wipe his eyes, then peeking into the bedroom. Avery and Lindsay were sitting in the rocking chair together, rocking slowly back and forth while Thomas sat on the bed and watched them. Ben leaned against the doorjamb and listened to the song his mama was singing, finding a small comfort in her voice.

"Ben, you want to come rock?" Avery invited after a moment. "Mama gots enough room."

"That's okay sissy," he assured, walking over to brush her hair back from her face.

"Are you guys ready to go?"

"Yeah, we're ready when you are mama. We're going to have fun today, okay?"

"Even while we are sad?"

"Sissy, so many people we love will be there. Our best friends in the world! Let's play a game today while we're hunting for trees. Let's find the best Charlie Brown tree we can. Want to do that?"

"Hmm, okay."

He took her hand and helped her to her feet, then hugged her as hard as she would allow.

"I love you a lot, Averylin Grace."

"I love you too, Ben. Oh so very most."

Lindsay watched the two of them in that moment, forcing herself to focus on the love they had for each other, just as it was, without thinking about Rebecca.

"Let's go, kiddos. Don't want to keep Mac waiting."

"He is very excited about our whole big huge family doing this," Avery said with a nod. "On the day when we was over there, he taked me with him to get his saw an' ax sharpened. He telled me all 'bout when he was a youngster like us an' how his daddy taked him to get the tree. He said he wanted to get the most biggest one they got."

"Mac does get pretty excited about Christmas," Lindsay mused. She was glad everyone would be together today, especially at Mac and Jo's because it always felt like home there and she really needed that lately.

"This will be a great day," Avery decided, pulling her coat off the hook by the door. "I will not even feel sad and cry today. Is there hot chocolate at this place?"

"There might be," Lindsay answered with a smile, determined to have a good day and enjoy the now. "But I think Mac is taking us to the actual woods. Jo will probably bring some hot chocolate anyway."

"Good! You and me can share the chocolateiest cup!"

"It's a plan."

The five of them headed out to the car, buckling in and shivering for a bit before the heater kicked on. Avery was chattering about the names they'd picked off the angel tree at the precinct earlier in the week, telling the boys what she was planning to get. They all looked forward to this part of Christmas every year, probably more than they looked forward to getting presents for each other.

"Hey daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Could we send something to Becca where she is?"

A silence fell over the car and Avery squirmed in her seat, realizing too late that she'd said the wrong thing.

"We'll talk about it later, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

"What do you think Linds? Does it look okay?" Adam asked, walking in a circle around a full Douglas fir. He preferred the look of a good spruce, but she liked the smell of a Douglas and he wanted to make her happy.

"Looks good. Any bad spots?"

"Just one, we can turn it to the wall."

"Okay."

"Want this one or do you want to keep looking?"

She shrugged and surveyed the tree closely, reaching in to shake it a little.

"Put a marker on it, maybe we'll come back to it."

He smiled and nodded, glad she was getting into this instead of just going through the motions. They'd both been so quiet and numb recently, it had been hard to connect to each other, much less the experience of life.

Sliding his gloved hand into hers, he gave her a little squeeze, smiling when she squeezed back. They continued on through the woods, keeping ears and eyes out for the kids, who were having more fun exploring the muddy woods than looking for a tree.

"This one looks good," Lindsay said after a moment, pointing at another tree. It was a little shorter than the other but looked sturdier and Adam got down on the ground to check the trunk.

"Does it look straight to you?"

"I think so," she answered, eyeballing it. "Hey Mac!"

Mac approached them with a level in hand- he was nothing if not serious about the perfect Christmas tree.

"Looks good to me," he commented after inspecting it. "Think you two can drag it all the way back to the car?"

They both gave him incredulous looks and he chuckled, moving away to help Flack and Jess decide on their own tree. Adam returned to the ground and began to saw away at the tree, cursing when the branches got in his face.

"Let me try," Lindsay suggested after a moment, maneuvering so she was laying differently. She did some swearing of her own but managed to get the tree down just as Avery approached, twigs tangled in her hair and looking for all the world like she'd been raised by wolves.

"Is that our tree? Brothers! Come here!"

"You like it, Tink?" Adam asked, picking her up and wiping the dirt off her cheek.

"Yep, you and mama done well. I could put the angel on the top?"

"I think so. I can't lift either one of the boys that high."

Avery giggled and pulled a leaf out of her hair.

"Hey mama lookit what I catched!"

"Very good sweetie," Lindsay grinned, reaching up to pull the remaining earth from the red curls.

"Danny an' Austin tired to get a bigger tree than Mac did," she reported, sliding her glove across her nose. "Then Danny accidentally cutted it too short. He said a bad word an' Jo laughed and laughed."

"Poor Danny."

"Yep. Come, let's get this tree on the road!"

She laughed at her own joke, happily holding onto the top of the tree as everyone began to migrate the trail back to the big van Mac had rented for the occasion, securing their trees in the trailer.

"I found something, I found something!" Liam shouted suddenly, jumping up and down. "I think it's alive!"

The kids all rushed to where he was standing at the foot of a large tree, squealing at what they saw.

"It's a squirrel!" Avery hollered excitedly. "It is hurt!"

She crouched down to pick it up but was stopped by Jo.

"Wait sweetie, if it's hurt, it's probably scared and it might bite you."

The kids all took a collective step back while Jo pulled her winter hat off, expertly cradling the shivering animal in it.

"It does look hurt," she assessed. "We'll take it home and see if we can help it."

"I spotted it," Liam reminded all of them. "So I should name it something."

"Think of a good name," Avery coached, jumping up and down to try and see the animal in Jo's arms.

"I will."

"Jo, you know how to care for this little guy?"

"Oh sweetie, I patched up my fair share of animals in my time. That's country life, after all."

Avery nodded seriously, her heart pattering in her chest. She wanted to take care of this squirrel more than anything. Just seeing it safe was already making her feel so happy. If she couldn't take care of her sister, she needed to take care of something else, badly.

Junior crept down the stairs and glanced into the living room, looking for Ben. The kids had been playing in the big open room upstairs that Mac and Jo kept full of toys and things for them to do. No one had noticed where Ben went or when he'd left but suddenly Junior was without his counterpart.

Ben wasn't in the living room or the kitchen where the adults had congregated, nor was he in any of the bathrooms. Wrinkling his nose, Junior tip-toed to the back of the house, down the darkened hallway to Mac's office. The kids weren't necessarily not allowed in, but they all respected it as a grown up space and only ventured inside when invited.

He pushed the door open, breathing in the scent of cedar and leather. The room was fairly dark when compared to the rest of the house, dark woods and deep greens seemed to be the theme of the room- that is, if Mac was the type to decorate. Junior recognized the portrait of Reagan, a few snapshots from Mac's days in the Marines, various photos of the family on the desk and bookcases.

Ben was curled up in the chair behind the desk, his eyes red as he scrubbed at his face.

"Hey, Ben?"

"Go away."

"What's the matter?"

"I said go away! I want to be alone!"

"Ben, I'm your best friend! I won't even say a word, I'll just sit here with you."

"No, I said I want to be alone!" Ben shouted, hopping up from the seat and pushing Junior towards the door. "Get out!"

"Stop it!" Junior shouted, pushing him back. "I'm just trying to help you!"

"I don't need help okay?"

"Yes you do!"

"Leave me alone!"

"But you're sad."

"I want to be sad alone, Junior! Leave me alone. Get out!"

The door swung open and Mac stood there, taking in the position both boys were in, pushing at each other and neither gaining any ground. They both stopped when he stepped through the door, closing it behind him.

"What's going on in here?"

"I just wanted to be alone!" Ben exploded. "We're supposed to try to be happy today and I wanted to be sad for a while but he won't leave me alone Mac! Make him get out of here!"

Mac raised his eyebrows at Ben's shouting; it was so uncharacteristic of him and he wondered how much Adam and Lindsay were talking to their kids about recent events. Part of him was upset that it seemed that they weren't handling this right, but the other part of him realized that sometimes there was only so much one could do.

"Daniel, why don't you go join the rest of the kids-"

"No. Ben's my best friend and I need to be here for him."

Mac nodded and glanced over at Ben, who was curled up on the couch, arms crossed over his chest.

"Ben, you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Look, daddy said that we have to try to have a good day and try to be happy for mama and sissy, okay? I was just trying to do what he said but I got sad about Rebecca because she's missing all this. And I needed to come and cry in private. But that's all."

"Okay," Mac started. "I understand that your dad wanted you to be strong and there's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with needing to cry in private. I don't think he meant you couldn't feel however you felt, he just needed you to try to feel happy too. Crying is okay."

"So I gotta respect Ben's space?" Junior asked with a sigh.

"It's okay, you can stay, Junior. I think I got the mad out."

"Now," Mac started, sitting down on the couch and putting his arm around Ben's shoulders. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Could you tell me something Mac? When will it stop making my heart hurt?"

Mac sighed as Junior tucked under his other arm, not sure he could explain this to the boys the way they needed.

"Ben, I won't lie to you. There is always going to be a little part of your heart that hurts. After a while it becomes a part of you. You learn how to live with it and more importantly you learn that being happy doesn't mean that the loss hurts worse."

"How do you know?"

Mac motioned to a small picture on the bookshelf and Junior got up to retrieve it.

"Hey, this is Claire! That's where Sarah got part of her name."

"Yeah, this is Claire," Mac affirmed, taking the picture. "Claire was my first wife."

"You were married before Jo-Jo?" Ben asked, pushing the remaining tears from his cheeks.

"Yeah, I was. I loved Claire so much. She made me laugh a lot. When I had hard days I would come home and she would be there. It always made me feel better, just seeing her."

"Where did she go?"

"She died."

Ben nodded solemnly and looked at the picture, his eyes filling up with tears.

"For a long time I didn't laugh. I didn't smile. I yelled at people. I hated that she was gone, that she'd left me. Stella helped a lot. She would remind me of funny stories about Claire and it made me feel better to know that Claire wasn't forgotten. Every day that passed got a little easier, but there are still some days when I miss Claire. You know, I see her favorite flower, or Jo and I are shopping and there's a dress in the window Claire would have liked. It makes me miss her."

"Mac, you still love Claire, huh?"

"Yes."

"And you love Jo-Jo too?"

"Yep. The way I see it, if I had to lose Claire, at least she was able to teach me how to love someone that much, so when Jo came along, I was ready for her. Claire's birthday was June fourth and on that day sometimes I need to be alone like you were, Ben. Sometimes I still want to cry a little, even though life is wonderful. And that's okay."

"I don't want to cry in front of mama and sissy, because it makes them cry," Ben sighed. "But it really is okay to do it in private?"

"Of course. And it's okay to be honest about how you feel. That's the most important part. Your parents love you so much, Ben. They want you to be okay, but they also want you to trust them to help you when you need it. And remember that in this family, there is always someone there to help us."

"That's why it's such a big family," Junior explained. "Because there are a lot of us kids and we all need grownups. You know how Isa needs your ma sometimes, Ben. Even though she has our ma, sometimes she just wants Aunt Lin. Or how my ma already has a ma, but she calls Stella a lot for advice."

"I just wanted our family to have Rebecca in it too," Ben sighed. "Because she needs a whole lot of love and we just have so much to give. And now she can't have it and we can't give it. And that's not fair."

"No Ben. It's really not."

Ben looked down at his hands, unsure of everything he was feeling. He couldn't put it all into words but he was glad he'd gotten out everything that he had.

"Boys, you both know how much I love you, right?"

They both nodded and he hugged them, placing quick kisses on the tops of their heads.

"And you know that you can come to me if you need anything right? Anything in the whole world and I will do my best to help you."

"Thanks, Mac."

"Yeah, thanks Papaw."

"You feel okay now, Ben?"

"Yeah, a lot better."

"Good. Why don't you guys go play?"

They nodded and got up off the couch, arms slung around each other's shoulders as they headed out of the room. Mac stayed for a moment, staring down at the picture of Claire for a while before settling it back on the shelf and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him.

He rejoined everyone in the living room and wanted to make a beeline for Jo, but stopped first to give Adam's shoulder a squeeze.

"You guys are doing alright?"

"Getting there," Adam admitted. "Slowly."

"Let me know if you need anything. And maybe take a few minutes for Ben tonight."

Adam nodded, knowing that if something was wrong, Mac would have pulled him aside. A short conversation like this was just a little familial advice, some that Adam was grateful for.

"Thanks."

"You're doing a good job with them. Both of you. Just remember we're here."

"I will."

He smiled and moved over to sit next to Jo, taking her hand and kissing the back of it. She quirked an eyebrow at him but didn't say anything, just squeezed his hand back in hers. Mac knew a thing or two about loss, that was for sure. But looking around at this family-by-choice that had amassed, he saw again that there could still be blessings in store.