The calendar was full of color coded appointments, times and reminders, all lined up neatly in the correct boxes, days past crossed through with a thin black line. Each child had a color indicating their own activities, one word and a time in the appropriate box, with an A or an L next to it to indicate which parent would be responsible for transportation. It all fit, it worked, it was organized and predictable. Colton's science club after school, Avery's gymnastics class, Ben's basketball practice. These things were on the calendar, they had to happen. They were controlled. They were safe. So much had gone unplanned in the last few months, that the calendar in the kitchen became something of a hub of clarity. Feeling sorry for themselves, letting things get in the way of life, that was not on the calendar. There simply was no room for it.

"All three have dentist appointments this afternoon," Lindsay said quietly, buttering three slices of toast and setting them next to bowls of oatmeal. "You can still take them when you get off work?"

"Yeah. You have court at noon?"

"That's when I have to be there. I have no idea when they'll actually call me up. There's dinner in the freezer just in case."

"Think I can't make dinner?"

"I know you can, I just think it's easier to have something ready after you've been running around all- Oh. You were joking."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just thinking about this case and maybe over-anticipating questions or something."

"What are you going to do this morning?"

"I need to go grocery shopping and then over the files one more time."

Adam shook his head and reached over to cross groceries off of the calendar.

"The kids and I will do that after the dentist. Take a couple hours, go out to breakfast, look over the case and breathe a little."

"But-"

"You made me go out and play hockey three times this week, there's no reason that you shouldn't be able to take a break too."

"You don't have time to do drop off before you go to work."

"You drop them off then go do your thing, okay?"

"You really want to tackle grocery shopping with all three of them?"

He shrugged.

"They're getting old enough, maybe I'll let them stay home together for an hour."

"That freaks me out. But it's probably time."

"One hour."

"Yeah, okay I think they can do that."

"C'mere honey."

She stepped into his arms and nuzzled against his shoulder. Seeing the kids going through all they had was giving her new trust in their abilities and rather than wanting to put walls of protection around them, she was pushing them to try new things more often. The boys had stepped into everything enthusiastically and while Avery had been given the option of a second activity, she'd been determined to stick to gymnastics. Sarah, after all, only did dance and Avery wanted to be just like her best friend.

"You okay?"

"I'm good. You?"

"Ditto. I've gotta go get dressed and head out, but I'll see you tonight."

"Okay. I think we need a date soon," she suggested before he went around the corner.

"Stick it on the calendar."

She smiled and turned back to the three breakfasts, putting a spoonful of fruit on top of the oatmeal before taking them to the table.

"Good morning mama," Avery greeted, sliding into her seat. "Brought my brush. Can you tame my hair?"

"Sure. Would you like it up?"

"Yes please. Up in a ponytail. I don't like it in my face all the time."

"Should we cut it?"

"No. I like it to look at."

"Okay."

Avery ate lazily while Lindsay fought with her hair, finally successful at putting it up.

"Hello boys! Mama made us oatmeal. It is brain food you know."

"Oatmeal makes me full after one bite," Ben noted. "I have to make it into a game. Go treasure hunting for all the fruit."

"That's silly!" Avery giggled, burying the fruit and then trying to find it. "And fun!"

"We've got fifteen minutes until we leave for school so eat up."

The kids began to shovel it in while Lindsay rolled her eyes and gathered their backpacks, checking to make sure everything was inside.

"That was good mama, what's for lunch?"

Lindsay laughed and crouched down to wipe the oatmeal off of Avery's chin.

"Are you still hungry or do you just want something to look forward to?"

"Well I do love lunchtime," she said, tipping her head to the side. "Get to see the kids 'cross the cafeteria. Me and Sarah wave and do hand signals a lot. It's fun. And you make me cheese sandwiches."

"Ah, you guessed it. But I would like you to eat your veggies this time, and the whole sandwich, not just the cheese."

"Oh alright. What did the boys get?"

"Ben got his normal peanut butter and jelly and Colton has leftovers from last night."

"Yeah, because the big kids can use the microwave. And Coley likes leftovers."

"That's true. Go get your shoes so we can leave."

She'd been trying to concentrate on her notes for over an hour but was seemingly more interested in watching the tepid coffee swirl in the cup as the wooden stick thunked against the side. Her thoughts flitted around the case she needed to testify for, occasionally jumping to the kids or Adam. Clearly this method for taking a breather wasn't working. Checking her phone, she started to gather her notes when the chair next to her pulled out and someone sat down.

"You look awful."

Lindsay looked up at Jo and half smiled.

"It's just been one of those… weeks I suppose. What are you doing here?"

"I have to meet Sid for some autopsy findings, thought I'd bring him some coffee. Are you sure you're okay?"

Lindsay bit the inside of her cheek and shook her head, realizing how little she'd confided in her friends recently.

"It's hard, finding that new normal. Making sure the kids are dealing with everything."

"Austin mentioned something about that."

"They're doing better than they were. They all see a counselor once a week and it helps a lot. They seem like my kids again."

"What about you and Adam?"

"We're okay."

"You don't sound convinced about that."

"I'm not."

"What's going on?"

"I don't know. We just don't talk about it much. I don't know why really. I think we're just focused on the kids and moving on. But it's… I don't know, it's hard."

"You should probably talk about it."

"I know. I don't want to bring it up if we both feel okay. It's like we're teetering between normal and mourning and I don't want to topple back."

Jo was quiet for a bit, nodding gently and reaching over for Lindsay's hand.

"Sweetie, you and Adam are wonderful parents. You're doing the best thing for your kids by helping them figure this out and giving them resources to deal with it. But it's time to focus on you."

"I know."

"Distance can creep up on you. One day you're fine and suddenly it feels like you haven't connected in months. It's important to head that off at the pass; it's really hard to go back and fix it later."

"I know."

"Have you talked to your mama?"

"Yeah. She's helped a lot."

"Good. You just keep talking, Linds. You and Adam both have lots of people there for you, but you need to rely on each other too."

"We will."

"I gotta go meet Sid, but you let me know if you need anything okay?"

"I will. Thanks Jo."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"Love you too."

Jo gave her hand a little squeeze before taking the two to-go cups from the counter and heading back out into the rain. Lindsay chewed on her lip, knowing that Jo's advice was coming from a place of experience. She never talked about her marriage to Russ but it was clear that a slow forming rift had been the root of the problem that lead to their divorce.

She shook her head and quickly sent Adam an I Love You text, not at all surprised when he replied in kind less than a minute later. It made her feel much better and she went back to her case notes, starting at the beginning and reading through, pausing every once in a while to remember specific moments during the case and imagine what the defense attorney might throw her way. It was probably the most nerve-wracking part of the job; one turn of phrase, a certain word used, even a tone of voice could give the defense attorney a foothold to twist facts and make assumptions, leading the jury to find reasonable doubt on a conviction. She couldn't afford to mess up. No one could.

"Have you noticed that Ben gets harder and harder to say goodnight to every time?" Adam asked, tossing his shirt into the hamper and reaching down to take his socks off.

"You mean his new "just one last thing" then ends up being way more than that?"

"I told him he could tell me one thing and Colton rolled his eyes and held up three fingers, like he was warning me."

"I don't know how we ended up with Ben but I'm glad we did. Everything go okay at the dentist?"

Adam nodded and slid under the covers with her, adjusting his pillows and laying on his side.

"No cavities. Avery bawled her head off when they started scraping her teeth."

"She told me she had fun."

"They had to give her a little goofy juice."

"Not surprised."

"I decided to take her with me to the store and let the boys stay home."

"And?"

"They did their homework and chores and when we got home they were playing chess."

"Wow."

"I'm almost disappointed in their lack of creativity."

Lindsay smirked.

"Anyway, did court go alright?"

"It was fine. They didn't even call me up until after five, then didn't call recess for the night until almost eight."

"You have to go back tomorrow?"

"No, they're done with me, at least for now."

"Good, that means I can get started with you."

She chuckled as he moved over her pressing his lips to hers warmly, his free hand stroking through her hair. She wanted to get lost in it like normal but Jo's words from this morning were ringing in her ears.

"Babe," she started finally, knowing sooner was more possible than later. "Can we talk?"

"Of course."

"No, I mean like really talk."

"I am nothing if not an excellent multi-tasker."

"Babe, seriously, we need to talk."

He stopped what he was doing and rested his forehead against hers.

"This has better be good."

"I promise to make up for it later."

"Alright, what's up?"

His hands were still on her and she grabbed his wrist, putting some space between them and threading their fingers together.

"I just need to know. Are you alright?"

"I think so. Why do you ask?"

"Because I haven't asked. We don't talk about it."

He sighed and moved off of her, keeping their hands together. Not talking about it was so much easier than unearthing feelings that he couldn't even give a name to. He knew it was important but at the same time, he also knew it wasn't time yet.

"Do you need to talk about it?" he asked finally, thumb and forefinger pressing against his temple.

"I don't know, I'm just saying, we don't talk about it. Whether we need to or not."

"But if we don't need to, why should we?"

"Are you really asking me that question?"

He was about to reply when his phone rang. Neither one would admit it but they were both grateful for the distraction.

"It's my sister," he commented before answering. Lindsay sighed to herself and lay against the pillows, wishing she'd never said a word. They could have been well on their way to something a lot happier right now if she'd just waited to talk to him.

"Babe, I gotta go, something's wrong."

"What? Is Hannah okay?"

"She's at a party, she sounds bad," he replied getting up and pulling his clothes back on. "I'm going to bring her back here, is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course."

He was halfway to the door but paused and turned around, his face holding an expression she couldn't read.

"We'll talk Linds. Just give it time."

"Yeah. Okay."

He crossed back to her and kissed her softly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She watched him go, then took a deep breath and pulled his pillow under her head. It would be okay. This was just bad timing. They would sit and talk and get back on track. They always did, didn't they? There was no reason this would be different.

"Hannah, are you drunk?"

"Hmm what?"

"You are!"

"No, I'm not drunk," she protested as he pulled her out of the frat house. "I just had a little bit."

"Where's your other shoe?"

"What other shoe?" she asked, stumbling on the sidewalk until he caught her.

"Never mind. I'm taking you home."

Hannah sobered up at that a little and got into the car, rolling the window down and leaning her head halfway out.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't feel good."

He groaned lightly at that, he should have thought to bring a plastic bag or something. It hadn't really occurred to him that his little sister would be this drunk and possibly high, though he couldn't really tell for sure. He was having second thoughts about taking her home; he didn't want the kids to see her like this or to think it was okay. For propriety's sake he should take her back to her dorm, but for her safety, the couch in the living room seemed like a better idea.

"Hannah, what happened? This isn't you."

"Isn't me," she scoffed, pulling her head back inside the car for a moment. "Like you would know."

"Don't pull this crap right now. We're talking about what's going on with you."

"Nothing! It was just a party, it got rowdier than normal, that's all. Geez, I expect the judgment from dad, not you."

"Rowdier than normal? So this wasn't just a random thing, you're out partying at places like that all the time?"

"Not all the time," she said with an eye roll. "Just the weekends."

"Hannah, you're underage."

"So what are you going to do? Call your cop friends to break up the party?"

"Yes," he answered pulling out his phone. She watched in horror as he made the report, then dropped his phone into the cup holder.

"I can't believe you just did that."

"You can't? Why wouldn't I? You're lucky I came myself and didn't send some "cop friends" in there after you. Hannah, don't you know what can happen-"

"Oh shut up!" she hollered, stomach roiling with nausea as she turned to look at him. "I'm not an idiot, I keep myself safe, I never do anything I don't want to do."

"Not that you remember at least. And if you're so smart and if you can stay safe, why did you have to call me tonight?"

"Because they'd started cage fighting in the living room! It wasn't because of me it was because I didn't want to be there anymore and my ride was nowhere to be found and I knew it would be stupid to walk the streets at night so I did what you told me to do, I called you. And you're mad at me for it!"

"Hannah I'm not mad that you called me, I just don't know how you ended up needing to. Parties aren't you. They never have been. You never get yourself into trouble, you never drink, you never smoke pot, which you've done tonight judging by your eyes. What's going on with you?"

"Adam, nothing! This is college, it's what people do."

He cursed softly unsure of what to say or do or think. When he looked at her he still saw his baby sister, he couldn't fathom her putting her lips to an amber bottle with a joint balanced between her fingers.

"Look, just take me back to my dorm, you don't have to take care of me and I won't ever call you again okay?"

"No way. You're coming home with me and you're sleeping this off and we'll talk about it in the morning."
"I'd rather talk to Lindsay if you don't mind."

"What? Why?"

"Because she used to do the same thing. She knows it's not that big of a deal."

"You think she thinks it wasn't a big deal? Why do you think she locked herself in her bedroom for a week and made herself stop? Why do you think we never have alcohol in the house? Hannah why do you think she gave you pepper spray and took you to get on birth control and made you take self defense classes? Because it is a big deal. You're right, she's been there and she knows how dangerous it can be."

"She doesn't treat me like a little kid."

"Okay so she doesn't jump down your throat for doing something stupid, I get that. But maybe a kick in the butt is what you need."

Hannah groaned and slammed her head back against the seat, fighting the tears that pooled in her eyes.

"Don't tell dad."

"He has enough to deal with, he doesn't need to know this."

"Good."

Angrily, Adam pulled the car into the driveway and turned it off before speaking.

"Is this about mom?"

Hannah didn't reply, just fought out of her seat and up to the front door, twisting the knob in her hand, hoping it would open. Unfortunately she had to wait for him to get out of the car and join her, but once the door was open she wasted no time rushing to the bathroom to get sick. She'd shut the door behind her and he pressed his hand to it before going to the linen closet and pulling out blankets to make up the couch.

"Is everything okay?" Lindsay whispered from the doorway, having been woken from her light sleep by the commotion.

"No."

"Did someone hurt her?"

"No, not as far as I can tell. She just… she's drunk. Stoned. Angry."

"Oh no."

"I'll deal with it. Go back to bed."

"You don't want my help?"

"No I don't want your help. She's my sister, I'll fix it."

"But-"

"Linds, just go."

It was a rejection of the worst kind and she wrapped her robe tighter around herself as she made her way back upstairs. How in the world had everything so quickly turned upside down?