"Mama, daddy, get yourselves ready!" Ben hollered down the stairs. "It's almost time."

"Time for what?" Adam shouted back, confused.

"We're putting on a show!" Avery said as she came down the stairs in a dress and tiara. "One just for you!"

"Okay. A couple minutes?"

"Yes. You have time to go potty an' get a snack."

"We'll be there."

She nodded and headed back upstairs while Adam finished with the e-mail he was writing and went into the kitchen.

"Hey Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Gonna come out with me?"

"Yeah, I need to finish putting the dishes away."

He nodded and reached over to help her, glad when she didn't rebuff him in any way. Things had been strained and uncomfortable, but they were at least getting along while they worked through things. Neither one of them were happy with the lack of progress, but they were at least aware of where they stood.

"I went ahead and scheduled a meeting with Shelly for tomorrow afternoon to talk about the money we have still in the adoption account. Is that still a good time for you?"

"Yeah, that works."

"You know I'm trying right?"

"I know. I wish you would let me help you, that's all."

"I can't lay that on you-"

"Adam, we're going through the same thing and I think it would help us both to do it together, but you're not comfortable with that and you don't want me to ask you about it so I'm just leaving it alone like you asked."

She was on the verge of anger again and he reached for her hand, pulling her into his arms.

"Babe, I'm sorry. I know that's not enough but that's all I have."

"I'm really mad at you and just saying you're sorry isn't going to fix everything. I need you to trust me and let me in but you can't or won't and I'm not going to sit around and wait for you anymore."

"Oh yeah, I know you're not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He just shook his head and stepped away, wiping down the counter.

"I don't know what it means, forget about it."

"Whatever."

There was a bit of silence while they both calmed themselves down.

"We can't do this in front of the kids."

"I know. Let's forget about it for now and go in there."

They sat next to each other on the couch, but he didn't put his arm around her, nor did she lean into him. Yes, it was going to take a lot of time.

"Bum-bum-bum-bum!" Ben hummed, coming into the room, wearing all green. "And now it is time for today's story."

He crouched down and hopped to the other side of the room as Avery came downstairs.

"Once upon a time there was a princess named Avery," Colton started, more amused and playing into the younger kids antics than enjoying his role as narrator. "She was the princess of the land of cheese."

Adam and Lindsay both held back laughs at the look he shot them.

"I am Princess Avery and I rule the land of cheese," Avery started dramatically. "Also of puppies."

Ben covered his mouth to hide his laugh.

"Princess Avery was very good at her job. She knew all different types of cheese."

"Gouda an' cheddar, mozzarella, swiss, bleu, and Roquefort!"

"And she threw lots of parties for the peasants."

"There shall be cheesecake for all!"

"But Princess Avery held a deep secret, for she was very lonely."

"Cheese is for eating but not friendship."

"One day Princess Avery went for a walk deep in the woods. She came to a pond that was full of fish. Sitting in the middle of the pond on a lily pad was a big fat toad named Mike."

"Ribbit. I'm Mike," Ben said in a robotic voice.

"Hello Mike. I am Princess Avery. I rule the land of cheese and puppies."

"Ribbit. That is impressive. I don't like cheese. I am a toad."

"Well Mike, what do you like to eat?"

"Ribbit. I am a ninja. I can catch flies in my mouth. Watch!"

Colton tossed a chocolate chip in his direction and Ben caught it in his mouth, but barely.

"Ribbit. I think I need more practice."

"Seems like you are doing okay. You know, because you are a fatty."

"Ribbit. This young princess speaks the truth."

"Mike, I think this is the start of a wonderful friendship. Would you like to live with me forever?"

"Ribbit. I like my home in the pond very much."

"Maybe you should call your fairy godmother and she will turn you into a people."

"Oh yes! My fairy godmother Thomas. Thomas! Oh Thomas!"

Thomas ran into the room, skidding around a corner and coming to a stop by them, her wagging tail attached to a magic wand.

"Fairy godmother Thomas, will you please turn me into a people, so I can be best friends with Princess Avery and help her to rule the land of cheese?"

"Now sit, Thomas," Avery whispered. The dog obeyed. "And shake Ben's hand."

"Ribbit. Ribbit. Human speak! I am a people!" Ben shouted, jumping up. "Thank you Thomas!"

"Princess Avery and Mike fell in love and got married very soon. They had lots of cheese at their wedding and they lived happily ever after."

The kids took a bow, Avery with much passion, dipping so low her hair dragged on the floor.

"That was most fun," she said once the clapping had died down. "Thanks for doing that with me, brothers. I know it is not something you love to do."

"It was fun, Aves. Besides, you wrote the whole thing yourself."

"Well I think I seen most of it somewhere before," she sighed, taking the wand off the dogs tail. "You did most well, Ben. I really liked the extra ribbits you threw in there."

"Yeah, that's what they call acting off the cuff."

"Oh shucky-darn," Avery huffed. "Why didn't I think of this before? We shoulda called Thomas the fairy DOGmother!"

"You can do that next time," Adam assured. "If you want, tomorrow I'll help you write it all down so you don't forget."

"That would be fabulous daddy!"

"I think we should keep the narrator," Ben mused.

"Yeah, originally Aves had written me as the fairy godmother," Colton said with a laugh. "But unfortunately none of her dresses fit me, so we had to have a last minute recasting."

"I think it turned out great," Lindsay giggled as the dog jumped onto the couch. "Do you think Thomas has any magical powers leftover?"

"Oh mama you are so silly! Of course she don't, I gots her wand!"

"I am so foolish."

"An' with this wand I will turn back the clock so it is not bedtime!"

"I don't think it's that powerful, Tink," Adam laughed, pulling her into his arms. "Even princesses of the land of cheese need their beauty sleep."

"Oh okay, but because I done such a wonderful job being a princess, I need the king and queen to tuck me in," she giggled. "That's you an' mama."

"Alright, hop upstairs and get ready, we'll be up in a minute."

The kids picked up their props and made their way upstairs while Adam and Lindsay remained on the couch, neither wanting to break the family magic of the last five minutes by getting up. Slowly he slid his arm around her and she allowed herself to be pulled closer, even if she didn't really want this right now. She knew that touch was his way of connecting, it was how he communicated when he didn't know what to say, and she couldn't deny him that no matter how upset she was.

"Can you please tell me one thing?" she asked after a moment. "Why won't you let me help you with your sister?"

He let out a long sigh and she tugged his free hand closer around her, wanting so badly to feel like everything was alright.

"Linds, I don't know. For some reason I feel like this is something I need to do."

"I understand that part. I know that you feel like she's your responsibility while she's here and I love you for that. If you want to take care of it on your own, that's fine. But why won't you at least talk to me about it? I've been where she's at."

"I know."

He didn't say more and she nodded in recognition.

"That's why you don't want me around her, you think that she'll start thinking it's okay because I did it and it turned out alright."

He didn't want to admit it, but he did.

"She's not an idiot, Adam. She wouldn't ever think that, but she would use it as an excuse so you wouldn't come down as hard on her."

"You really think she would manipulate like that?"

"I think that when you're grieving, especially delayed grieving, you're in survival mode and you're not yourself."

Her tone was even but he knew exactly what she meant and he was in the middle of being torn between and defensive statement and agreement when Avery called that she was ready to be tucked in.

"We'll be right up," Lindsay hollered back.

"Linds, I'll get there. I will get to the point where I can grieve for our daughter but right now this thing with Hannah…"

"It's kind of time sensitive. I get it, I really do. I just need to figure out how to do this without you."

"Not entirely without me."

"I don't know what we're doing anymore."

"I don't either."

"Alright, we'd better go put princess cheese to bed."

She stood quickly from the couch and made her way to the stairs, choking back tears. He wasn't trying to hurt her and he was so confused with his own emotions that he wasn't aware of how badly his distance was hurting her. She could understand that and she could even lift some of the blame off of him, for she was had slung enough verbal arrows at him it was no wonder he didn't trust her right now. But that didn't mean she could believe that none of it was personal, that "without you" wasn't a knife to her heart, even as she'd said it.

His steps were gentle behind her and she breathed deeply, pressing on. If she expected him to be able to come to her, then she was going to have to be strong enough to be there for him when he was ready. They both needed help, but she wasn't going to wait any longer to get it.

Letting go was proving to be very hard. There was money left over in the adoption account and neither Adam nor Lindsay felt okay with just returning the money to their savings. Because the orphanage had closed to any kind of outside help, they couldn't earmark the money for Rebecca, and they both felt that they would like to be able to send it to a specific family. Shelly had worked with what they wanted and found a family in Los Angeles who were shortly headed to China to complete the adoption of their twin daughters, but needed some more money to finish a few things in-country. Adam and Lindsay didn't discuss it, just shared a look of agreement that this would be the family they would help.

Now as they signed the final papers, it was like they were officially saying goodbye to their daughter for good. If adoptions opened up in her country again, they would have to start from scratch. There was a bit of hesitation at the thought, but they both knew it was time to say goodbye to this particular dream. They would still be in the loop if there was any information, but it was likely that they would never hear about Rebecca again.

"I talked to the Pattersons yesterday," Shelly started, once she'd made sure all the paperwork was complete. "They'll return from China at the end of June with the girls. They would love to meet you."

"What?"

"They asked if I would pass along the message that they would love to invite you out to L.A. sometime in July to meet them and the girls. They want you to be able to see what the money has done."

Adam and Lindsay glanced at each other, unable to read the other's expression.

"We'll talk about it," Adam said finally, as Shelly handed them the contact information.

"I know it might be hard, but I think both of you would benefit from it, not to mention getting out of town for a while. I can see the strain both of you are under from this."

They nodded; it seemed to be clear to everyone that not all was right.

"Maybe so."

They said their goodbyes, knowing they wouldn't be back to this office in the foreseeable future. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

"You alright?" Adam asked, starting the car to head home.

"I'm okay. You?"

"It's not great but it's something. Home?"

"No, actually I have another appointment."

"Want me to drop you off?"

"Yeah. Emily's office."

He nodded, having already figured that she was going to seek help from Emily at some point or another, but he was surprised it was happening already. It was good though, that she recognized that she might need some help decoding her own emotions, and while he was proud of her for doing this on her own, he was somewhat jealous that she was to this point and he was so miserably not. It felt as if the gap between them was being forced more by their different rates of recovery than any animosity between them. He didn't know how he was going to catch up.

"Want me to come get you in an hour?"

"Actually, I was thinking I would walk, maybe pick the kids up from school and take them to the park on the way home. Meet us there?"

"I can pack a picnic dinner, it's pretty nice out."

"And we'll talk about California?"

"I'll bring a calendar."

She gave him a small smile as he stopped outside Emily's office, parking in a space but not shutting the car off.

"I'm going to call Hannah when I get home, try and convince her to spend the weekend with us. Hopefully she will and maybe it'll keep her from finding a party or… is that okay?"

"Of course. You know I love having her around. Am I allowed to talk to her though?"

Adam bristled at the words and she deflated a little.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded… actually, I probably did, I just didn't mean for…"

She sighed and shook her head.

"I gotta go, I'm going to be late."

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"Love you too. See you in a while."

She gave his hand a fast squeeze before she stepped out of the car and headed for the office. He watched her go, his heart sinking in his chest, though he couldn't begin to take a stab at the precise reason. One second things felt as if they were improving between them and the next second one of them would say or do something that set them back three steps. If he could pinpoint what was wrong with him personally right now, he could probably begin to work on what errors he was making in the marriage. He wasn't much for introspection and learning how to learn himself was slow work. He would figure it out, he would be able to be a better husband, but it was going to take a lot of time and patience.

"It's okay Aves," Colton assured, reading over the letter that had been placed in Avery's backpack by her teacher. "She just wants to talk with mama and daddy about how you've been doing in school."

"She will tell them that I am doing bad," Avery sighed, continuing to twist up the chains on the swing. "I am very stupid, Coley."

"Don't say that!" Colton said, reaching over to grab the swing so she couldn't move anymore. "You're not stupid Averylin. You're very smart, that's why they moved you up a grade."

"But I do bad at school!" she protested, wiping furiously at her tears. "No matter how much everyone helps me, I do not do this very well. Math is most hard an' sometimes I think I am reading another language!"

Colton took her hand and pulled her off of the swing, leading her over to the park bench and sitting next to her.

"Let me tell you something okay? A long time ago, when you were pretty little, something bad happened to me. I was away from home for a few days and it was really scary. When I got back home I felt better, but something changed inside me. For a long time it was really hard for me to laugh and have fun and be a kid. That's when I learned that when you're sad sometimes you get stressed out. And mama explained to me how sometimes stress leaks into other parts of your life. For me, it leaked into my mood and I would get angry over really little things. You have sadness and stress about Rebecca and it's leaking into your brain and it's making it hard for you to do school work and learn."

"It's not my fault?"

"No. We all know how hard you try, Aves. I've seen you doing your work and you try so hard. You listen when we help you and you do learn things. It's just that your brain is so full of things it's hard to cram it all in there. Your sadness and stress are shoving out the learning."

"How do I fix it? How do I make the sad and stress go away?"

"I don't know. It took a lot of time for me. But doing happy things helped a lot. Being with our family was good, and when we went to the beach with the Messers."

"I remember pictures of that! Me an' Sarah dancin' on the beach an' when all us kids got to have S'Mores. I was very little then."

"You were."

"Coley, do you think I need a 'cation?"

"Yeah. We all do. That's why mama and daddy said we're going to California this summer. It'll be really fun there, Aves. There's the beach and new places to see, plus daddy said he would take us to Disneyland!"

"That will be great! I would also like to go back to Montana and ride horses with Papa. It makes me feel wonderful and free."

"For right now, just relax about school. Keep trying hard but remember that if you don't do well we still love you a lot and we're here to help."

"Okay."

"Want me to go with you to give the note to mama and daddy?"

She nodded and they stood up from the bench, crossing the playground to the blanket that Adam and Lindsay were sitting on, having cleared the dinner remains away.

"Aves has something for y'all," Colton started as Avery handed the folded paper over.

"It is not because I done something bad," she insisted, watching as they read it together. "It is because I need help with school."

"What's going on with school honey?"

"It's just very hard! I was not ready for the first grade. I believe I needed all of kindergarten. And now I will have to go to the second grade and be most behind everyone! What will we do?"

She sunk to her knees as Ben ran over, on constant alert to his little sister's emotions.

"Sissy it'll be okay!" he assured, not even knowing what was wrong. "Because even when it is the worst thing in the whole entire world, you still got our family to lean on."

"Averylin, whatever is going on in school, daddy and I can help you. Let's just talk to your teacher and see what she thinks and we'll come up with a solution, okay?"

"I will not be a dummy forever?"

"Aves, I told you, you're not stupid or a dummy. Remember the stress?"

"I feel like a dummy. All the other kids in my class do well and I do not. Every day at school is like being in a war with learning."

"Oh Tink," Adam sighed, pulling her into his lap. "I know exactly how you feel."

"You do, daddy?"

"Yes. When I was in school I always felt stupid. I wasn't as fast as the other kids at learning new things and whenever the teacher called on me, I was so nervous that even if I did know the answer I couldn't say it."

"But daddy, you are so very most smart!"

"It got better. I had a few teachers who believed in me and knew that I would get it eventually. They helped me out a lot. And Gigi spent lots of time helping me too. I figured out new ways to learn things. It takes time and patience honey, but you'll be able to do it."

"Gigi was good at helping?"

"She was good at a lot of things."

"I miss her. How she used to call us on the computer and read books to us. And how she did the funny voices."

"Yeah, I miss that too."

"If Gigi helped you daddy, then you and mama could certainly help me right?"

"Right."

"So when you talk to my teacher you will tell her this plan?"

"We'll see how it goes okay?"

"Okay."

"Right now I think you need to run off and be a kid. We'll think about school and homework later."

"Thank you daddy and mama for helping me."

She jumped up and grabbed the boys hands, pulling them back down to the playground.

"One more thing," Lindsay sighed, laying back on the blanket and staring up at the sky.

"Looks like we're going to have to figure something out," Adam agreed. "School's out soon, I bet they're going to want to leave her back."

"Probably. Maybe we shouldn't have let her move up."

"Linds, we didn't know that things were going to happen this way. I think that she's having a hard time more because of what's going on in her life than failing to learn."

"Probably. It's still going to be a lot of work. Think we can do it?"

"I don't think we'll give up."

She nodded and he reached over to push her hair back, then leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I wish we could go back," she said quietly. "Change it all."

"So do I."

They remained quiet after that, watching the kids play and both worrying that nothing would ever be okay again.