A/N: I recently took on a second, super-part-time, make my own hours, job and between that and my actual full time job, I pretty much have no free time during the week, so my two days off will be all the time I have for writing. Such is life.

"Let's go for a drive."

Hannah looked up from the boxes she was packing and frowned at Adam, wondering why he'd shown up unannounced.

"What?"

"Finals are done, right?"

"Yeah but-"

"I'll help you pack later. Let's go for a drive."

She sighed, knowing she wasn't going to win this one, and followed him out of the dorms. He opened the door for her and she slid inside, buckling her seatbelt and trying not to think about the last time he'd had to pick her up. One week ago at another frat house. She'd been so stressed about finals that her friends suggestion about drinking it off had been easy to give in to. One drink turned into a handful, one drag on a joint had morphed into trying something new. As far as she knew her brother didn't know about the extras, but she wouldn't be surprised if he guessed.

"Where are we going?"

"Thought we'd head to the beach."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to spend some time with you before you go back to Phoenix for the summer."

"Oh, okay."

"I just figured… I was worried that if I called you'd have an excuse to get out of it. I know things between us haven't been the same lately."

"I disappoint you," she whispered, turning to look out the window.

"Sometimes," he admitted, pushing the sun visor over, then taking her hand. "But I love you anyway."

They were silent for the rest of the trip until they were on the beach, feet squeaking through the warm sand.

"Hannah I know you don't want to talk to me about this and I know you think that I'll be upset with you or that I'll love you less. But I won't. I love you and I want you to be okay."

"I know that. It's just… Adam, I don't even know who I am anymore."

He nodded and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to kiss the top of her head.

"Hannah, do you like how your life is going?"

"Not at all. I lost my scholarships. I didn't want to tell you, but my GPA is too low and I lost them all. I can't come back next year."

He stopped walking and hugged her tightly, having been certain that this was going to happen at some point.

"I have to tell dad," she said finally, pulling back and wiping her eyes. "Adam he's going to be so mad."

"Yeah, he will."

"He can't pay for college. I can't ask him to especially since I was the one who screwed up. What am I going to do?"

"Hannah, there's a lot you need to work through before you can worry about school."

"Like what?"

He stopped walking and sat down, tugging her down next to him.

"Okay, I want you to just listen for a minute and really think about this before you get upset."

She nodded and he took her hand, mostly so she couldn't run away.

"Hannah, I'm worried about you. It has nothing to do with your grades and not much to do with the people you're hanging around, it's because what's happening with you can be a big deal if you let it get out of control. It's not just drinking anymore. I'm not stupid."

"I'm so sorry."

"I know. What I don't know is why. Why is this an option for you?"

"I don't know. I don't even remember when it started happening. I don't like it, Adam. I swear I don't. I don't like being out of control, I don't like not remembering what happens. I don't like looking back on who I was and seeing who I am now and knowing I've just gone downhill."

"I miss mom too."

Her nose twitched in an effort to keep the tears at bay but it didn't work and she fell into his arms, crying harder than she ever had before.

"I want her back!" she sobbed, tears wetting his shirt. "It's not fair."

"No, it's not. I know."

"It wasn't time. And she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me she was sick. Why would she just-"

"I don't know either."

"How long was she fighting it on her own?"

"A while, I think."

"It's not fair. She's going to miss everything. I graduated and she wasn't there. I started college and she wasn't there, I had a huge break-up and she wasn't there. I didn't have my mom for that and everyone else did. She was always there, Adam. Always. And then all the sudden she wasn't. She's not going get to be there for anything else. She's not going to see the rest of my life or yours. She won't see the kids growing up and they don't get their grandma either. It's just not fair."

"I know, Han."

"Sometimes I just want to pretend that I'm like everyone else. That everything is the way it should be. And maybe that's why I do this. But I don't want to anymore. She'd be so mad. Oh can you imagine?"

"She'd yell at you and tell you that you're being stupid and then she'd hug you and make you cookies and make you tell her how you were going to change it."

"I miss her."

"I know."

"How do I fix this?"

He was quiet, he knew he didn't have the answers for her but there was no way he could ask Lindsay for help. They'd both been so busy lately, getting Avery through the last few weeks of school, making sure the boys were getting to sports practices, not to mention work and other household things, they'd barely spoken in two days. Not that their conversations of late had had much substance anyway.

"How would you feel about coming home, and you and Lindsay and I can talk about this, figure out what to do?"

"Please."

He pulled her into his lap like when she was a little girl, and rocked her back and forth until the crying stopped. It killed him to see her like this.

"Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"No. Can we please go home?"

"Of course."

"Auntie Hannah!" Avery squealed, jumping off the bottom step and into her arms. "Are you here to read me a story before bed?"

"Well I didn't plan on it, but I could if you want."

"Oh yes! Could you do it like mama does? She reads a bit and then leaves out a word and I gotta read along to fill it in."

"Sure. Are you ready for bed right now?"

"Yep. I shall ask the boys if they would like to read too. Come on!"

Hannah was pulled upstairs and Adam went into the living room where Lindsay was just finishing picking up the few little messes that remained from the day.

"Hey."

"Hey. Is everything alright?"

Adam nodded and crossed the room to her, urging her over to the couch with him.

"I know that we're not doing so good right now, and I know this thing with Hannah is part of that, but I really need your help right now and-"

"Adam, stop. What's going on with us sucks and we need to deal with it, but that doesn't mean I won't help."

"Okay."

"What's been going on?"

"What do you know?"

"I know that she's always hungover after you leave in the middle of the night to pick her up. I know it happens a lot and I know that she's probably doing other things she shouldn't be. I know this isn't just some becoming an adult thing, and that it probably has a lot to do with your mom not being here."

"Basically. She misses mom a lot, I don't think she ever really accepted what happened. She's still angry, still working through a lot of that grief."

"It must run in the family."

"Yeah, I think it does. And I don't want this for her. I don't want her to deal with things the way I do."

"I don't want her to deal with things the way I did either," Lindsay confessed, her mind filled with memories of parties she should never have been at with people who had no intention of having her back.

"She needs help Linds."

"We'll find some."

The desire to push herself into his arms was overwhelming but she didn't budge. If they were going to start making things better, it had to come on their own terms, it couldn't be aided along by circumstance. So they sat quietly next to each other until Hannah came downstairs, a long sigh escaping her lips as she sat down on the other couch. She pulled her feet up underneath her body, not meeting their eyes for a moment.

"I don't remember what I took the other night," she finally started, her voice low. "I was so stoned already that I don't even know what color it was. All I remember is taking a pill. I'm not sure if I blacked out or I just don't remember. I don't even know if anything happened to me."

"Is there any reason to think that something might have?" Lindsay asked, heart sinking.

"No. But it's not impossible."

"Would you like to go in for a check-up?"

"I did. Everything was fine.

"Okay. What can we do to help you?"

She opened her mouth to speak but in seconds the tears were pouring down her face. She hated herself, she hated what she was doing, and she hated the fact that she didn't know how to stop. The misery of losing her mother had not eased over the last two years and through her actions it had probably gotten worse. It seemed that there was no way out, that she would feel lost in a limbo forever.

"I've messed it up too much," she finally choked out, scrubbing the back of her hand against her eyes and suddenly feeling the same way she did at eight years old, not placing in her very first riding competition. "There's nothing to do about it."

"Hannah, of course there is," Lindsay assured, moving to join her on the couch. "There's a lot that can be done, but you're going to have to really want it."

"We're here for whatever you need," Adam added. "If you want counseling, we'll help you find someone, if you need some other kind of treatment, we'll figure it out. The only thing we can't offer you is a place to live, unless you don't mind bunking with Avery."

Hannah gave a little smile at that and nodded.

"I don't know what I need. Just please, please don't tell dad."

"I won't tell him, Hannah. But you will."

She nodded and took a few deep breaths, scrubbing at her eyes again before she spoke.

"Adam, um… could I talk to Lindsay alone? Please?"

As much as he didn't want to leave her, as much as he wanted to be the hero, he nodded and stood up from the couch, walking over to press a kiss to the top of her head.

"I'll be upstairs."

They waited until his footsteps on the stairs stopped and the bedroom door closed before either one of them said anything.

"What happened, Hannah?"

"I didn't want to say it in front of Adam. He'd freak out."

"Well he's not here so you can tell me."

"You won't think I'm stupid?"

"No I won't."

"The last party I was at, after I took… well, whatever it was. I… uh… some guy, I don't really remember a whole lot, but he took me in this room. I didn't say no. I don't think I could. Or maybe I did and I don't remember."

"Hannah, are you telling me-"

"Oh! No, no, he didn't do that. I think he probably would have if he wasn't so drunk. He must have passed out, somehow I got away and called Adam to come get me. Did anything like that ever happen to you? Back then?"

"No," Lindsay replied quietly after a moment. "There were close calls, guys getting a little too handsy on the dance floor and trying to pull me somewhere, but that usually sobered me up pretty quick. Of course, I was only fighting alcohol, not pot and unknown pharmaceuticals."

Hannah took the slight jab with a nod if her head, knowing that Lindsay was right. She was placing herself into situations that she couldn't handle, and she wasn't all the scared about it. Was she apathetic? Used to it? Had she just figured that this is how it would be?

"Hannah, how much have you been drinking?"

"Are you going to tell Adam?"

"Yes."

"Then I don't want to tell you."

"If you want us to help you, you're going to have to be honest. I know it's hard but no one is going to love you any less."

Hannah weighed her options for a moment. She knew that spilling just how bad it was would have repercussions that she wasn't entirely sure she was ready to take on. Clamming up, moving back home, pretending that things were fine, sounded so much better.

"It's a lot," she said finally, decision made. "I don't keep track of how many drinks. It's usually just in my dorm, I try not to go out too much."

"How many fines have you gotten for having alcohol on campus?"

"I've been caught a few times."

"How many did you have today?"

"One. I was planning on more until Adam came."

"How often are you smoking?"

"Not all that much."

"And the pills?"

Hannah sighed; she should have known that Lindsay wouldn't buy her lie that this was the first time.

"Quite a bit. I never do it alone, but it happens more than it should."

"It shouldn't happen at all."

"What do you think I should do?"

"I think we need to let your dad know what's going on. I know you don't want to, but you have to."

"I really, really screwed up."

"And now we're really going to fix it. Okay?"

Hannah nodded and Lindsay hugged her for a moment before letting go.

"I'll go get Adam, he can come sit with you while you call your dad."

"You still awake?"

"Barely. Everything alright?"

Adam nodded and changed out of his clothes before sliding into bed.

"Hey Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you for everything. Whatever you two talked about, I think it helped her."

"Of course."

"I'm sorry I didn't ask for your help before."

"I know you are. And I kind of understand why you did it."

"Really? Because I don't."

She bit her lip and rolled over to face him, wanting to keep their communication open but knowing that she was about to say something that could close them off to each other entirely.

"Because you want to protect the people you love. And you couldn't protect Rebecca, you had to prove that you hadn't failed, so you've funneled that all into helping your sister."

"Wow."

"It's not a bad thing, not necessarily."

"It is when I push you away."

"Yeah, that part's not so good."

"I'm sorry, Linds."

"I know."

They lay in silence for a while before Lindsay sat up, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she thought.

"You know what, I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"For always making you feel like you have to protect me."

"What?"

"Part of the reason you haven't let me in on this is because you don't want to put that on me. And I appreciate that to some degree, but marriage is supposed to be a two way street. You aren't supposed to carry things on your own. And I'm sorry that I've made you."

"I never felt like you did," he said, sitting up to face her.

"Maybe you haven't resented it, but it's happened. And it shouldn't. If I want you to lean on me then I have to prove that I can stand on my own."

"Babe, I know you can. You did it for years."

"I know that but marrying you doesn't mean I stop."

"Part of marriage is taking care of each other."

"Yes, it is. But I should have been taking care of myself too."

"Okay, what are you saying here?"

"I'm just saying that we suck at this," she whispered before laying back down again. "I feel like we should be doing this together but at the same time I don't think we really know what we're doing at all. And we haven't even found enough footing to try and get help."

"We'll find it, whatever it is."

"I don't like living in limbo."

He nodded and scooted over to her, wrapping an arm around her for the first time in what seemed like months. She stiffened at first, then rolled towards him burying her face in his chest.

"I hate this, Adam. I hate it so much."

"We'll get through it. We always do. We're just going to have to start paying more attention to each other."

"I know it's not going to happen overnight and I think we've both wronged each other more than we really know. But for now, maybe we can focus on Hannah and try to figure out what in the world we're doing."

"I love you, Linds. I know I've screwed up and pushed you away, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"I know. I love you too."

He ran his hand up and down her back while she sighed, a little shuddering noise, indicating that she'd been waiting to talk about this for a while.

"I'll do better, I promise."

"I will too. Just don't shut me out."

"I won't Linds. I'm sorry."

"I haven't really relied on you much either."

"I haven't given you a reason to. I told you I wasn't ready to talk about it but I also turned you away."

"I still should have tried."

"We both messed up, Linds. Let's accept that and learn from it. I don't want to get hung up on what happened in the past and never be able to move beyond it."

"Adam, will you please talk to me about Rebecca? Not now, but at some point?"

"I'm getting there, I promise."

She sighed against him, knowing that there was a lot to work on, some that had nothing to do with recent events, things that had been laying dormant for a while. This was going to take work and time, but the fact that they were both willing made a lot of difference. At the very least, it didn't feel like they were going to crash and burn, though there might be a lot more ups and downs in the near future.

"Hey."

"Hmm?"

"Did you notice Avery's outfit today?"

"Your apron over her swimsuit?" Adam chuckled. "How could I not notice that?"

"Yeah, but did you see that she was also wearing Ben's suspenders?"

"She never fails to amuse me."

"Me neither."

"Well, what do you say to a fresh start tomorrow?"

"I say that sounds like a good idea."